Ben tried to just enjoy laying with Rey, to pull her close and not think about what he was sure was impending doom but he couldn't. He felt disconnected from himself and still so, so embarrassed. He couldn't believe he lost it like that in front of Rey.
She was just being polite, she was definitely going to leave him when they got back to California. Ben tried not to cry. He didn't want to look even more pathetic, but his breathing was coming fast and hard and suddenly Rey's hands were on his bare back again, tracing patterns.
"Baby," she whispered, kissing the knobs of his spine. "You're shaking."
Ben didn't know what to say. He felt inadequate. How could he have even deluded himself into thinking Rey would want to be with him? Whatever this thing was, it couldn't be permanent.
He wished, not for the first time, that he didn't just blindly believe the things people said. Maybe he had missed some clue, some piece of info showing him how done Rey really was. But all he could feel were her small dry hands on his skin, the rhythmic patterns she was tracing, and the occasional press of her lips against the back of his ribcage, the base of his spine, his neck.
"What's wrong?" She whispered.
Ben wasn't finding the words, and he felt himself start to shake more. Rey was tugging until he was facing her instead of away.
"I'm just waiting for you to leave me," Ben said.
Suddenly Rey's face crumpled and she sat up. She was in pajama pants and a tank top that was light and thin, he could see her little nipples and his eyes caught before moving back her face.
Was she crying?
"Rey?" He said softly, face scrunching in confusion.
"You think I'm gonna leave you?"
"I- I don't know. Rey I can't imagine why you're with me in the first place, and now... I mean now you know what I'm like..." Ben trailed off.
Rey was breathing fast, her eyes wet.
"I love you," she said. "That's why I'm with you, Ben, because I'm absolutely crazy about you. YOU, the real you, not the best version of you or one side of you, all of you, don't you... I mean I thought maybe you felt the same way about me even with my past-"
Ben was such an idiot. He cut her off with his mouth, pressing his lips to hers in an effort to get her to understand.
Rey loved him. She loved him.
"Rey," he whispered, pulling back and taking her face in his hands.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm an idiot."
"You're not," she said stubbornly. "You're not an idiot Ben Solo, you just need to listen to me when I tell you I'm not going anywhere, and that- that I love you. Ben I love you," she kept saying it, the words pulsing around him. No one had ever told him they loved him, not like this. His heart squeezed.
"I love you, too," he said, and his voice caught on the words, cracking.
She let out a watery little laugh and her hands were on his face and she was kissing him, smiling against his mouth.
"You don't have to say it yet if you don't want to," she whispered.
"I want to," he said, pulling her into his lap.
He loved her, of course he loved her, he had never loved anything more. From the first moment he saw her, had watched her dancing, had looked into her eyes, he had been lost. He loved Rey. So he said it again and let her kiss him and kiss him and kiss him.
Ben was glad that Rey didn't push further. He loved kissing her like this but he wasn't in any sort of headspace for sex. Her kisses weren't hungry and desperate like they were late at night, they were loving and easy and sweet.
Eventually they put on Netflix and Rey curled up next to him, close and warm.
"I feel bad that we're not out exploring the city," he said.
"I don't. It's freezing. And this is perfect, I just want to be with you."
He couldn't argue with her logic.
Ben felt his anxiety melting away slowly, with every little laugh from Rey and soft touch of her hands on his skin or her mouth on his. She was looking at him with bright, wild eyes and she looked in love, he could see it now. It was the same look that he gave her.
They ordered in, and after Rey spilled sauce on her shirt she got naked and he followed her, surprised when even that didn't turn into sex, just more cuddling and the feel of her soft body pressed against his.
He was very, very happy.
When Ben and Rey landed at SFO the next day she turned to him and asked if she could stay at his house before they had every deplaned.
"You don't need to go home?"
"I have clean clothes still and I just wanna be with you," she said, shrugging. She was looking at him with those giant green eyes and he was nodding, suddenly desperate to hold her which was impossible in the small space of the cabin.
"Yes," he said. God she could move in with him if she wanted, she should just be the his side all the time.
She smiled and took his hand.
He got them a car back to his apartment and as soon as Rey had thrown her things down in his room she was kissing him.
These kisses were hungrier.
"Hey! Do you wanna see what I've been working on? It's a new routine."
Fuck it felt like it had been forever since she danced for him. Ben nodded and went to sit on the couch.
The music was upbeat and melodic. Rey was in her yoga pants and a sports bra. She tugged her hair up on top of her head, smiling wide as the music began and she started to move.
She was spinning, pulling her leg up high, using the space of his apartment to push and pull her body in intricate and impressive ways.
Ben watched her face, flush with exertion. He was normally so caught up in the sway of her body, but tonight he couldn't stop watching her face. It wasn't that different than the way she looked when Ben had his fingers inside of her, or she was grinding against his body seeking release. Panting, wet lipped and rosy cheeked. He felt himself getting hard.
Another song came on.
He won't make love to me now
Not now, I've set the fee
He said it's too much in pounds
I guess I'm stuck with me
He told me I was so small
I told him "Water me
I promise I can grow tall
When making love is free
Rey stood still, letting just her arms move first as the music started, and then she was twisting and jerking. It was so dark and it was so hot. Ben didn't know how she pulled that off. Her eyes on him were dark and intense.
The words to the song were haunting, making him think of those first weeks days with Rey, handing her hundreds at the end of the night and the way her face would fall.
She loved him now.
Ben was mesmerized. Rey's hands came up and she slipped the sports bra off, letting it fall from her fingers.
She was moving quickly now, her lean body stretching and flush, a light sheen of sweat glistening on her chest and stomach. He wanted to lick it off.
He leaned forward, enraptured.
The music changed again and she was on the floor, her body in some state between liquid and solid and then she was crawling on all fours toward him, coming to rest between his legs.
The music had changed again and 3WW by alt-j started. Rey moved to the floor, twisting and stretching before crawling toward Ben.
One of the things she loved most about Ben was his inability to mask any of his emotions. It made reading his mood so much easier, and she knew those hooded eyes and flushed cheeks meant he wanted her.
Rey wanted to touch his dick, like, more than she had ever wanted anything. She told him she loved him. She did love him. She was dying to have him in her hands, in her mouth. She had learned that just saying what she wanted worked best with him, so she did.
"Ben I wanna touch you."
His breathing quickened, mouth opening wider.
"Uh," he said, and she could see his brain working frantically. She gave him time, swallowing thickly. She knew that he knew that she wasn't pressuring him, if he didn't want to do this he could tell her.
After an excruciating forty seconds, Ben nodded.
"You're sure?" She asked.
"Yes," he said, and his voice was so, so low.
Rey grinned wickedly, rising up to kiss him, settling herself between his legs. She took his bottom lip between hers and nibbled on it, moving to nip at his jawline and down his neck. Her hands were moving over his chest, tugging his shirt off. He pulled it over his head.
She sunk to her knees. She let her fingers dance along his skin, nails trailing between his pecs. She brought her face down to bring one of his nipples into her mouth. He jerked roughly against her and she pulled back.
"No?" She asked.
"Ah, no it's good, just a lot, sorry I-"
"Don't be sorry, please tell me if something isn't fun for you, okay, promise me?"
He nodded and she ducked her back back to his chest, slowly licking over a nipple, taking one of his hands in hers.
She had never been able to touch him like this. It was always his hands on her, distracting her. Now she had nothing but Ben, acres of skin like moonlight, all hers.
She let her teeth graze his nipple gently and felt his body quicken beneath her. She peppered kisses down his sternum, pushing her nose into the dark line of hair that started just below his belly button.
She let her breath fall hot along the hair there, kissing lower.
She moved her face back as her hands found the button on his jeans. She looked up at him and oh my god. How was it he could still surprise her with the depth of emotion playing across his face. He looked wrecked and she hadn't even touched him.
"Can I?" She asked.
"Yes," he said, so quickly she smiled, popping the button. She let the zipper fall slowly, the sound drowned out by the music but the reverberation electric between them.
She tucked her hands into his jeans and he lifted his hips so she could tug them, and his briefs, down. She moved so he could kick them off.
Rey took a moment to appreciate the absolute wonder that was Ben Solo naked. She let out a shaking little breath and snuck up to give him another kiss.
Fuck she loved him so much. She sunk back to her knees and let her fingers drag slowly over his cock.
He was big, she knew that, but it was another thing to have it in her hand. He was hard and dark red, a vein twisted along the underside of his shaft and she let her tongue run the length of it. She hummed at the taste of his skin.
She let her tongue wet him down, pooling saliva in her mouth to drip onto his dick and god, he was so breathless. Once he was wet she wrapped her hand around him again, bracing the other on his thigh as she started to pumping him.
Ben let out a breathy gasp as her hand tightened on him, working the skin upward and twisting just below the head.
"Has anyone ever done this to you?" She asked.
Ben shook his head.
"No- Ah. Just you baby," he said, eyes fluttering.
Rey's stomach tightened at the endearment, so unlike him.
"I'll make it good," she said, looking as wide eyes and innocent as she could muster with his dick in her hand, and she dipped her head to swallow him.
She had her hands on his hips and she was glad she did because Ben bucked up into her.
"Fuck sorry," he said, pulling back.
"Don't be, listen if my hands are tight don't push but once they loosen you can fuck my mouth," she said, so casually. She blushed.
Ben's cock twitched in her hands at her words and his mouth wasn't working but he nodded enthusiastically.
She took him again, her hand covering the part she didn't have in her mouth.
She let him slide down her throat, and then she sucked hard as she came back up, taking more of him each time, relaxing as she moved down.
Finally she had him almost totally down her throat, fuck he was big. She looked up at him, his head was thrown back, one hand in his hair, one gripping the couch for dear life. She loosened her hands on his hips and he didn't hesitate, his hips pushed up gently and she did her best to stay relaxed as he fucked her throat.
He wasn't being rough, but he was massive and eventually Rey did gag and the sound make his dick pulse tellingly before he pulled back, worried.
"It's okay, it happens, I'm fine keep going," and fuck her voice was so raspy and low, rough from his dick hitting the back of her throat.
Clearly Ben trusted her, because he didn't stay pulled back he pressed the purpling head of his cock against her mouth eagerly.
Rey felt herself get wet, wetter. She opened her mouth and let him set the pace, bringing her hand into her yoga pants to touch herself.
His taste, the weight of his cock, the unembarrassed string of wanton moans falling from his lips. His thighs were shaking. She moved a hand onto his hip and he slowed them, letting her set the pace again and she hollowed her cheeks to suck harder, letting her tongue find the weeping slit at the top of his dick.
Ben cried out, one of his massive hands coming to tangle in her hair and she let him push her head down, only gagging a little which didn't deter him now, thank god.
"I'm close," he grunted, and she pulled back, using her hand instead so she could really watch him, and wow.
Ben like this was almost indescribable, his eyes were wet, fuck he was crying, mouth wide and breath fast. His face was red and scrunched up and she jerked him faster.
Ben let out a delicious moan and Rey dipped her head again, swallowing him as deep as she could and then he was cumming. His hips lifted, but she angled herself so she wouldn't choke as she felt the first ropes of hot cum hit the back of her throat. She relaxed and pulled up a little she she could let it pool in her mouth. Normally she liked when guys shot way down her throat but she wanted to taste him, wanted to feel his seed hot and thick on her tongue.
She'd never heard him make that sound, so desperate and so wild. She rubbed her clit roughly and she was cumming too, swallowing down the last of his spunk.
She pulled off, breathless, and moved her eyes to his face. Ben was definitely crying.
She rushed next to him, bringing his head to her chest to hold him.
"Fuck I've wanted to do that since I first saw you," she said, pressing kisses into his damp hairline. He was shaking.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
"Fuck, yes, I'm so good I'm just- sorry," his voice cracked and he pressed his palms against his eyes and Rey pulled him closer, brushing her fingers through his damp curls.
"Hey you're okay, it's okay, I know, it's intense," she said.
Ben let out a shuddering little sob, and Rey let him fall so his head was in her lap.
"You did so good, thank you," she whispered.
He turned his eyes up to her, dark and glassy.
"I really love you," he said.
"Ben Solo," she said, "I really love you too."
They had real things to talk about, things she was just starting to put to words. What his mother said, what had happened with Hux, but it didn't feel important right now.
Rey held him, letting her fingers brush through his hair until his heart slowed and his breathing evened and one his hands found hers and held it tightly.