The train left him at the station forty minutes ago, but his steps now depend not on him but on someone else. That's the only thing Yoongi truly hates from this world; depending on someone, not being able to act on his own, not being able to make his own decisions. In fact, he would do it now if it was not because his stupid cell phone died forty minutes ago. He has visited this city before, but has never been at Jimin's apartment, and the only way to find the place is wait for him at the station until he leaves from his work and can pick him up. At least if he had Jimin's phone number he could now call him to ask for the address and get a taxi, but, bingo! , of course his number is on his mobile's corpse. Yes, in that bio of Yoongi's blog can be read he's a vintage and traditional life lover. Ironic when it's written in a blog on the Internet. If he really believed the image he thinks he is now he would have a piece of paper with Jimin's and his mother's number in his pocket, and the one who would reflect on the window glass of the station would be a bohemian carefree man unworried for the cold world around him and not an asshole technology slave with his square ass waiting for more than forty minutes in there.
His huge suitcase and the guitar on his shoulder condition him not to move from there, not even to the cafe that is in front of him to be able to take an ice americano that wakes him up and reminds him why he has accepted Jimin's invitation in the first place. Because the cafe site is too small and there are too many people. Too scared of the shoves. He begins in a few days his entrance exams to the most important Music Conservatory in the capital. And it's not the most important just because its renown, but the enrollment is as expensive as the new car of his father. Yoongi has prepared himself since he finished his studies for these exams, even since before, because he clearly needs that scholarship if he wants to enter such a prestigious conservatory as that. He's sure he will do well though. Yoongi wouldn't be at that station if he was not sure about it.
Minutes later he opts to go to the restroom. It's a great train station, much more than that of his hometown, but he's used to big places so he's not that surprised. The restroom is at least empty, only the wheels of his suitcase are heard between the four walls, so he washes his hands and looks calm at the mirror, swollen face of the trip and the fucking waiting. Anyway, it's not today when he has to look good, but tomorrow; now to see Jimin he can wear the zombie look he wants.
"Gonna use the toilet?"
Yoongi is focused on putting his bangs in the best way when a guy asks him while coming through the door.
He is wearing a cap and a mask, but by his body and the way his cheeks crinkle above the black fabric he can assure he is handsome. In the capital station all the boys are like that, good looking and young, not bitter and old office workers as in his city. Here people travel for other reasons, for pleasure, and that's great. He doesn't know many people there, in fact the only one he knows is Jimin, in addition to his boyfriend. Jimin moved when he started studying there, and then he started to work and managed to rent an apartment. When Yoongi told Jimin he'd have his entrance exams, Jimin didn't hesitate to let him spend a few weeks there until he had time to rent his own apartment. Yoongi doesn't like living with people, much less in someone else's house, much less with a happy couple, but money is money, and now he's fucking broke for a hotel, and if that means having to put up with his friend having sex in the next room, he will buy the best earplugs. Yoongi leaves the restroom when he knows he is no longer alone and returns to his former place. Then he curses under his breath that his friend is so late. He wants a cigarette.
When he comes back inside the building he checks the time on his watch, it has only been ten minutes, but forty has seemed to him. This time however someone approaches him, without looking away, clearly indicating that Yoongi is where he is going. At first they exchange gazes, but after a few uncomfortable seconds of silent journey from the station door to his site, Yoongi looks down.
"Excuse me, are you Yoongi?"
He frowns. Under his mask the voice sounds a bit muffled, but he understands it perfectly. Yoongi looks him up and down in the most subtle way possible to verify that he is the boy he previously met in the bathroom.
The boy squints. He now carries a coffee in his hand and looks taller than before, but he is sure that he is the same guy.
"Oh" Yoongi starts again, "sorry, I didn't know you. You've been here for a long time?"
"Twenty minutes, maybe a bit more. Don't worry, Jimin just told me you were a serious short guy, and here are a lot of those. Well, he also told me you were wearing a grey beanie."
Yoongi is going to protest for the compliment, however his mind leads to the answer of why Jimin knew he is wearing a beanie today. Maybe because of the photo he uploaded to Instagram just when he got on the train. Technology really controls his life. Before answering he thinks it's a disrespect to remain seated while this guy talks to him from above, so he puts his coat on and stands up.
Yoongi is not a fool, and he can not avoid first impressions and his real thoughts, no matter how much he doesn't like them. Jimin had talked about his boyfriend before, of course, but he had hardly seen him in a photo. It's only that Yoongi didn't know he would be... like this. The first thing he thought when he knew Jimin had a boyfriend was that he would be a boy shorter than him, thin, with colored hair or some shit, and a smile on his face. Yoongi can not see his mouth, but he doubts that he's even smiling. In addition, his gaze disturbs him. As if he had no qualms about looking at him, like a curious cat, and Yoongi doesn't like to be looked at so directly. Nevertheless, even though he has never been an eyes-loving kind of guy, besides of being the only thing he can pay attention to, he is now sure to think that this boy has really cute eyes. Yoongi sighs, he didn't expect to meet Jimin's boyfriend like this, he doesn't usually meet people this way. This is a little awkward.
"And how do I know you're not one of those organ thieves? I can not leave my body to anyone so easily."
He shows a stupid forced smile on his face as a sympathy, maybe a little joke is the best thing to break the ice, but he realizes that is a lousy joke to break anything. He gives up instantly and thinks better not to keep the minimal future feigned relationship.
"To tell the truth, I'm going with whoever it is just to move my fucking ass from here" Yoongi adds.
Now is when Jimin's boyfriend squints.
"Jimin says you don't like to walk."
"The bastard's only talking shit about me."
At last one of them begins to move and the other follows. It's now afternoon, the whole morning has been raining, so the sky over the city is cloudy, yet bright, and the streets still wet. Yoongi walks as close to the wall as possible so no car will wet him when passing over a puddle. It's a city much bigger than his own, certainly not seen forward but up, the capital is full of skyscrapers and large shopping malls, looking wherever he looks everything is grey and shiny, the weather turning everything into the same color palette. He likes it, though. It's nothing vintage or traditional, but it's the best work environment. People walking straight, taxis and buses without delays, hard-working employees. Having everything under control is what makes Yoongi breathe calm. They both wait for the next taxi to pass by. The boy is next to Yoongi, not so tall actually, only a few centimeters, but has bigger build than him. Carefully he lowers his mask a little to take a sip of his coffee, and Yoongi only gets to see his profile, still insufficient to build a complete face in his mind. A taxi stops in front of them, and the two get into it. After a few minutes of trip and scenery through the window, Yoongi looks at the boy, who looks at his phone. This silence is even long for him.
Yes, he was sure of it. Of all the things that Jimin has told about him, his name is the only one he remembers.
"Jimin has told me little about you," he lies.
"He has told me a lot about you," Jeongguk says. "That you are childhood friends."
Yoongi nods and smiles to himself, satisfied, and stares at him as he takes another sip of his coffee. Now it's not that he has not seen him, it's that he wants to see his face for a longer time. He's going to live with him for a few weeks, he needs to know how his mouth moves when he talks, how he smiles, and what his angry face is.
"Well, if childhood starts at thirteen."
"He knows you more than me anyway."
The sound of a horn makes the two look forward but none of them are really interested in what is happening on the road. The taxi driver says nothing good between his teeth and Jeongguk looks away somewhat embarrassed and annoyed by the situation.
"And what are those exams Jimin told me about?"
"Conservatory of Music. Entrance exams."
"Oh, right, the guitar-”
"No, I play mainly the piano."
Jeongguk frowns and looks at the case of his guitar, asking in silence.
"You didn't think I was going to bring my piano to Jimin's, did you?"
Jeongguk raises his hand to lower the mask to his chin, and takes another sip of coffee. Now he doesn't raise the fabric again, though. Yoongi examines his face then, for brief seconds. Jeongguk's features are more manly than he seemed by his eyes, his jaw is square, and his chin has a dimple that Yoongi finds cute, however, he can assure the boy is younger than him. He looks away when he talks again.
"I'll do it when I rent my own apartment. I intend to live here. Now I have to focus on the exams, but in a few weeks I'll look for a job and finally try to be totally independent."
The interior of the taxi now smells like coffee, and Yoongi regrets not having taken one.
"Jimin works at fucking McDonald's."
It's true that Yoongi may have been working since time ago, as Jimin did, who at the end of his studies immediately found any work to continue living in the capital. However a job like that is too seedy for him. Yoongi doesn't consider himself a classy person, but is unwilling to get stained by grease and soda when he comes back home every night.
"Well, you can always play on the street and pick up some money"
Yoongi laughs through his nose sarcastically. He has practically devoted his childhood and adolescence to music, it's really an offense that someone tells him to play on the street like a bum. He has nothing against street performers, but he is aware that he deserves much more than that. Yoongi doesn't waste time on reproach him though, they barely know each other. Jeongguk finishes his coffee, tilting the paper cup as much as he can to swallow until the last drop. He does it calmly, being very careful not to stain himself but without appearing too fussy. Maybe it's just his aura, but Yoongi once again asks how is possible that boy is Jimin's boyfriend.
"So what do you do for living?"
"I live with Jimin.”
"Oh, that's good," Yoongi says ironically.
Jeongguk smiles and looks out the window. It has begun to rain again, now the window of the taxi is full of transparent drops, distorting the linear gray drawing of the buildings of the city.
"I'm still studying. My family pays my part of the rent."
Even though water is falling from the sky, Jeongguk opens the window a little and lets in the humid autumn cold. The smell is pleasant, and without caring he lets a few drops paint his cheeks like freckles, strands of his bangs beginning to ripple. It's a beautiful picture, Yoongi thinks. The naturalness of the city, despite being the rain the only real nature.
Jimin opens a beer and offers it to Yoongi, then opens another for him. He leaves the bottle caps on the kitchen counter and leans on it while he hears his friend's technical and boring story about his train trip. There is not much to talk about, the colder weather of the capital, the uncomfortable rain that they had from the taxi to the apartment door, the pretty much boring wait. Yoongi focuses especially on that. Jimin just smiles, though. He's only been working until an hour ago, but he's happy to see his friend after so long. With the heating on, the outside cold is only drops against the window, so even though Yoongi has not removed his sweater, Jimin has just put on a wide shirt after showering. Jimin takes a sip of his beer and looks to his right, then arches his eyebrows. The kitchen is attached to the living room, only a breakfast counter separates the two rooms, and from there he sees Jeongguk. The boy makes a gesture to let him know that he is going to take a shower.
"I'm really sorry," Jimin begins, "I know you don't like waiting. Either spend much time away from home, nor the cold. Nor the heat actually. You're a total complainer, huh?"
Yoongi looks at him from below and doesn't scare Jimin but makes him laugh instead. The first drink of the beer is too cold for the cold that Yoongi already is but also welcomed.
"I'm not gonna comment because I'm too tired and 'cause I haven't seen you for a long time."
"Oh, thank you Min, a big honor."
As a guest he looks around again, at all the furniture, at the expensive television, at the picture frames with cheesy couple selcas. The second drink warms him up.
"I see you live well."
"It's great to have someone to share the housekeeping with," Jimin smirks.
"Sure, when we lived in the dorm your room looked like a dump."
A drop of beer drops from Jimin's mouth when he tries to drink while laughing.
"Wait, I spent all the fucking day studying then. Plus Taehyung was not the cleanest guy on campus we can say."
Yoongi sighs and shakes weakly his head.
"You spent all day studying to end up working at McDonald's."
"It's a temporary job, asshole, and thanks to that temporary work I live this well."
Jimin gestures to his seemingly-expensive living room and smiles contentedly. Yoongi sighs again. Sweet and not so sweet memories have come to his mind when talking about their days in college. They remain silent, suddenly absorbed in the beauty of the breakfast counter's marble. The sound of falling water, the rain and Jeongguk's shower.
"And he?" Jimin asks.
Yoongi purses his lips and looks where Jimin is doing it.
"How about him?"
He says it in a normal tone of voice, and Yoongi assumes that nothing in the living room is heard from the bathroom.
"Yeah, cool. Pretty handsome. Like, I could say he's my type."
Jimin laughs silently with the top of the bottle pressed to his lips.
"Mine too I guess...?"
"Of course, it's a compliment, I mean you're very lucky. You both are doing good together, right?"
He looks away before Jimin nods. It's not an overly large apartment, but he has to admit it is nicely decorated, and all rooms smell of clean and fresh. It looks comfortable. He feels comfortable, for now.
"I'm glad to see you too," Jimin says in a low tone, "missed your shitty face. Nice to live with you again."
"Enjoy," Yoongi says, with something that was meant to be a wink.
Eventually they finish their drinks and Jimin shows him the room where he's going to sleep. In Jeongguk's. It's a small room where there's barely a bed, a bookcase, a desk and an empty easel, and it's across the hall, not necessarily near Jimin's room. They may live together, but Jeongguk and Jimin want to continue having their own spaces. More than enough, he only needs four walls and a roof to rest well before the tests. In fact he is a little worried; as it's obvious he could not bring his piano, so he can not practice, and although in a few days he will not improve what he already is, a week without playing more keys than his laptop is quite uncomfortable. Not that he is too perfectionist, he just doesn't like to leave things half done.
It's late when Yoongi goes to his temporary room to sleep, but not too late for him. Not his late. The only lights that work in Jeongguk's room are those of the bedside table and the desk's, however the street lights illuminate the place enough if he draws back the curtain. Yoongi wants his work space to be minimalist and well-lit, spacious, without absurd gadgets that prevent the free path to the imagination. His sleeping space is different. He likes cozy, warm and dark places. Clean, of course, and that's something he doesn't doubt when he sees Jeongguk's room. One of the walls is practically occupied by a window. The glass is fogged, outside it's still raining, so he only sees a cloud of black, orange and yellow spots, the street and its urban nature. It's nice. The house is silent despite sharing it with two other guys. It's the nicest hotel he can afford. He leaves his beanie on the desk and begins to undress. He has not yet unpacked his suitcase, he does not intend to do it, just grab the clothes as he needs them. It will only be a week, he doesn't want to leave a trace in a site that is not really his. He puts on his white pajama and looks one last time out the window. Yoongi likes to sleep with the room totally dark, peaceful, in peace of noise and light. But the smell of the place is too warm. The colors that enter through the window are warm despite being an autumn cold night, and the smell of Jeongguk’s sheets accompany that warmth. Yoongi falls asleep right away.
A peculiar light comes through the window that morning. Yoongi curses now not to have drawn the curtain, he didn't intend to get up so early, not before his alarm clock rang, but the light, despite coming from a sky occupied by thick clouds, is clear and bright. His footsteps sound on the parquet floor when he walks barefoot, the apartment too quiet; when he looked at the time it was just past 7am, and seems like his friend is still asleep. Yoongi looks for the bathroom in the dark hallway, maybe there is no one awake yet, but he doesn't want to walk around a house with his face swollen with sleep and his hair ruffled. From the kitchen, however, he hears something. The ding of the toaster. After a quick washing Yoongi puts on his best face and walks to that place. It smells like coffee. Like toasts and coffee, even sweeter. Jeongguk turns his back on him, working on the counter. Yoongi stays in the living room looking at him, tall, wearing a gray short-sleeved T-shirt and perfectly messy hair. At the slightest noise Jeongguk turns and smiles as a greeting, sweet as the smell that floods the kitchen, half breakfast half Jeongguk's shampoo. He has very delicate features for his complexion. Yoongi wonders what his naked body will look like, and a thousandths later he blames himself for being that sick so early in the morning.
"Where's Jimin?" Yoongi realizes that his voice is raspy, so he clears his throat.
"Sleeping, he went to bed late yesterday."
The toaster dings again, and Jeongguk turns to put the toast on a plate. Yoongi wonders why he slept late if the two of them sleep together.
"I made you breakfast."
His voice is also sweet. Yoongi begins to think that boy is the only sweet thing that doesn't tire him out.
"Well, it was not my first intention, but I heard you leaving the bedroom."
Jeongguk's way of speaking invites Yoongi to look at him. He shows his teeth as he speaks, to one side, as if words come out at the corner of his lips. It's strangely bright. Yoongi sighs and rolls up his sleeves. He doesn't like to live with people, but he wouldn't mind sharing an apartment with someone like him if he woke up in the morning to give him this calm. Yoongi is not going to say it, but that casual way of making him breakfast is far enough for him. Nobody has cooked for him before. Yeah, Jimin is fucking lucky.
"How do you take it?"
Yoongi enters the kitchen and lays his back and his elbows on the breakfast counter. It's nice to look at him.
"Black. No sugar."
Jeongguk arches his eyebrows, lips pressed together to hold back the beginning of a mischievous grin. It's nice to look at that expression.
They both hear the door to one of the rooms in the hallway. Jimin appears with puffy eyes and dark circles, like a Sunday hangover in front of them. Yoongi laughs and punches him on the shoulder.
"I don't want to be served a burger with that face."
"Lies, you’d beg for this face to serve you anything."
Jeongguk smiles and shows all his teeth, and Jimin approaches him to leave a kiss on his forehead and a light slap in his ass. Yoongi doesn't think about it, but unconsciously looks away when that happens. It's always uncomfortable to be with a couple doing couple things, in any way.
"You work at night today?" Jeongguk asks, returning to the counter to make Yoongi's coffee.
"Yep, from 11 to 7 in the morning."
"Fuck, that has to be exhausting," Yoongi adds.
Jimin takes one of the toasts Jeongguk had prepared and brings it to his mouth. Yoongi clenches a fist in his mind at the sight of one of his wonderful toasts being fucked.
"Not at all, it's the best time. At dawn not many people go to eat, and those who go are those who have gone out partying or weird people who have nothing better to do than take a McFlurry at 4am. But we have a glass window on the counter to avoid dangerous or uncomfortable situations. It's even funny, honestly."
With the bread still in his mouth Jimin goes down the hallway. The coffee maker stops sounding, Jeongguk picks up the cup with the black, no sugar coffee, and gives it to Yoongi. He's silent, but Jeongguk never stops looking straight into his eyes. And Yoongi can not afford to look away.
"It's hot," Jeongguk whispers. "Take it slow."
Yoongi nods. Every word that comes out at the corner of his mouth does it in a different way. He makes it warm. Teasing. Yoongi nods and swallows, and the more he looks at him the more he wants to tell himself that every time Jeongguk speaks he has a slightly lewd expression. It's like a movie, Yoongi thinks. The film where the protagonist has to live with his girlfriend's sexy cousin, which creates uncomfortable situations to get the protagonist in embarrassing scenarios in front of the others, in front of his girlfriend who sometimes doubts his fidelity. Until she realizes that everything he's done had been in order to prepare her the best anniversary gift of all. The most romantic and cheesy of Hollywood. Yoongi thinks as he looks at him, because Jeongguk won’t look away. For a moment he wants Jeongguk to be the hottie cousin. But real talk, he's not that cheap.
It's hot. Yoongi likes the summer of his hometown because it's never too hot, he prefers the sun to the cold and bad weather, however he hardly has light clothing. And now his scarf keeps him from breathing in that place. The conservatory heating is too high for his very winter clothes, and the wait in the waiting room becomes even more endless. There are some magazines and a coffee maker, but Yoongi has already had three coffees, and he has read them all. None too interesting despite being a classy site, though. He's been here for paperwork all morning, has eaten something in the cafeteria and now waits for them to call him to confirm his access to the piano exams. Next to him, in that place, there are more young people waiting for his call. Some have their own instruments, violins, saxophones, cellos; others like him go with nothing. The oxygen they all breathe is concentrated as carbon dioxide in the middle of the room and doesn't let Yoongi breathe. Everyone waits in silence, at least, but the simple company of strangers is already uncomfortable. However he isn’t annoyed. Neither it is that he should be, but it's true this kind of situation annoys him. Now, however, Yoongi remains passive. Somehow the breakfast this morning has been comforting. Not the fact that he had breakfast with his friends, nor exactly that Jeongguk made him coffee and toasts, but the fact that didn't bother him not doing it alone. The fact that seeing someone doing his stuff has not been uncomfortable at all. Yoongi doesn't like having breakfast with people, he's very practical and prefers something fast and quiet. This time was nice. Yoongi sighs and looks at the time. Little time left for the sun to set and he’s still listening names on the list that are not his.
The test goes well, though. It's difficult to enter that conservatory, very difficult, that is why the coaches have to see him before letting him access the entrance exams. It's a stupid and redundant theory; he can not enter if he doesn't pass the test, but he can not do exams if he doesn't fit the profile of the examiner. Yoongi leaves the test room not too satisfied, but enough so that all morning and afternoon waiting has been worth it. At least it's over.
Yoongi puts on his coat and leaves the building. The ground is damp, but it's not raining. It's Friday, the sun has already set and in a few minutes the night, the first of the weekend. The conservatory door leads directly to a large garden that acts as an entrance and parking lot, and then behind the black gate appears the street. That's where Yoongi looks, to the right side. Now he looks at him until he reaches him, but with an expression of bewilderment rather than interest. Frowning. Right now Yoongi doesn't want to see or have to talk to anyone. Jeongguk smiles though. Too much. The first thing Yoongi thinks is that it's clear the boy has not had to spend the day tied to a scarf and surrounded by ugly people waiting their turn to enter the office of the director of the conservatory, and that smile shows it all. The second thing he thinks is that Jeongguk has a sweet expression when he smiles, and acts as an analgesic. As if a part of him was resigned and unconsciously smiled with the boy. It's strangely reassuring. Yoongi stops in front of him and arches his eyebrows before giving a sigh that causes mist to come out from under his gray scarf. Nice people even in bad times should win a prize, he thinks. Although he mentally withdraws seconds later. Fuck the positivism.
"Didn't know you were going to study in such a snobbish place."
"It's not snobbish, it's classic. It's important. Not everyone can enter here."
"Oh yes? That important are you?"
There are more cars down the road than when Yoongi entered the conservatory this morning. He looks at the clock and realizes it's time to get off work. Then he gives a big sigh.
"Whatever. What are you doing here?"
Jeongguk stops looking around the building and gardens and looks straight into his face.
"Jimin is working."
"And you're gonna pick me up every time Jimin is working? I know how to come back home."
"You didn't let me finish."
"You didn't keep talking."
Jeongguk stops. Then gives a long sigh. Yoongi arches his eyebrows waiting for the reply, so he looks around again and gestures Yoongi to walk with him.
"Jimin told me to dine at McDonald's, he's doing the hours of a sick friend." The boy raises his hand and shakes his head when Yoongi puts on a disgusting face.
"Don’t tell me you dinner every night at that place just because Jimin works there."
Jeongguk laughs, and barely shakes his head. Yoongi presses his lips not too satisfied and the two set off toward the bus stop. He doesn't mind dinner hamburger, he likes all food, it's just that he hoped he could spend some time on Friday with his friend at other place.
The street is lonely because of the rain, but McDonald's is not. At this hour is when more people go there for dinner, and Yoongi expected it from the moment Jeongguk told him that they would dine there, but there was little he could do. Jimin is now at the counter picking up orders, and he won’t be free for half an hour. When at last they can sit down they do it at a table near to the large window. It's the quietest site of the place, if any McDonald's site can be considered quiet. Yoongi removes his damp coat and leaves it next to him, and Jeongguk raises his head with intent to look for Jimin. When he makes sure of his position he sits down with Yoongi. They wait sitting there for quite some time, talking about anything. Yoongi wonders if they really have come to dinner, although the conversation is nice, though. Jeongguk doesn't seem to like noisy places either, every time the boys at the next table laugh out loud, Jeongguk presses his lips together and waits for the dreadful noise to stop. Yoongi somehow appreciates that. It has been more than half an hour when Jimin reflects on the windowpane.
"I hope you two get along without me," he says, smiling.
Yoongi looks up at him, arching his eyebrows; his friend started working there a long time ago, but he had never stopped to think about what it would be like to see him dressed in red and yellow.
"Sure, why not?"
Jimin leaves a brown paper bag on the table and tousles Jeongguk's hair with a sweet smile.
"Yeah. I know you well enough and I think you two are quite alike, not on your good side. You can eat without me, gonna work hard tonight."
Jeongguk grunts and picks up the food bag to make sure his boyfriend has poured enough fat and sugar. Yoongi says nothing, just looks him up and down again, focusing on the stupid uniform the company make him wear. At least he doesn't have to dress as french fries. Jimin laughs and Yoongi thinks his face is not making up anything of what he is thinking.
"You know, a lot of people find McDonald's uniform as a kink." Jimin says.
Yoongi huffs and looks at Jeongguk, who has not been able to wait and is sucking the salt of his thumb for eating french fries. Yoongi looks down, wets his lips and shakes his head.
"If you want me to get alone with him better he's not one of those people."
Jeongguk just laughs.
The way home is simpler; it has stopped raining, and although it's kind of late at night they walk with big and rapid steps. A quiet path. It's strange to walk with Jeongguk. Yoongi thought that in big cities people never looked at you, you went unnoticed like everyone else, how extravagant or different your way of walking or dressing, but Yoongi has the feeling that many people look at Jeongguk. He has to admit that the boy stands out among the rest, he looks fresh and sweet at the same time, one of those people you look at on the bus or in the supermarket queue. Yoongi answers his own question. Even being watched, walking in silence with Jeongguk is not uncomfortable at all. The two of them are silent because they have nothing to say, and both know that it's not necessary to start a stupid chat just to say something. Thus Yoongi enjoys the nocturnal urban panorama of the capital, the blue, orange and red lights as small artificial bonfires in the landscape around him. It's cold, the street is noisy and Yoongi can barely see the sky by the height of the buildings, yet it's strangely comfortable. A thunder interrupts his thoughts. Not a drop has fallen yet, but Yoongi and Jeongguk look at each other and accelerate the steps in unison.
Jimin's apartment is warm when they enter. Jeongguk takes off his coat and puts it on the couch, and gestures to Yoongi to take the food out of the paper bag while he changes his clothes. Yoongi sighs and does so.
They eat calmly, the french fries already cold, nothing to demand from a restaurant like that though. Jeongguk talks about his studies at his university and his hometown, emphasizing that he has no intention of coming back home. The city offers too many advantages that he can not sacrifice. The living room is spacious, not a large space because one of the walls is occupied by the open-plan kitchen but the most minimalist decorated, making it seem larger. In addition to a picture window placed in the center of the front wall. The couch faces that direction instead of at the television, as if the landscape was entertaining enough to sit there and spend hours looking at the street. Yoongi doubts that either of them ever sit there. Living as a couple has its advantages, he thinks, the advantage of needing nothing more than a smooth and relatively comfortable surface to have a good time, any time of the day. Jeongguk guides Yoongi to sit on the carpet, in front of the couch, when they finish eating. Actually the only advantage you have when you live with your partner is the availability of sex any day of the week, he thinks.
"When do these exams begin?"
Jeongguk takes off his slippers and places them at his side, perfectly aligned. Despite having nothing better to do, neither proposes to turn on the television.
"Piano, I guess."
Jeongguk remains silent and looks at him. Yoongi looks at him too. Another strange thing about Jeongguk is how he stares. Looking straight into someone's eyes is not easy. It's not that Yoongi's embarrassed for something like that, but maintaining eye contact with someone for a considerable amount of time involves maintaining a connection. Like a conversation. Yoongi doesn't talk to everyone, obviously, he only has a conversation with whom he really thinks it is appropriate. Keeping eye contact this way is a second step. Jeongguk never turns his eyes away, and even though Yoongi wants to do so, there is something that prompts him to keep looking at Jeongguk.
"And why did you bring the guitar?"
"I like to have my things nearby."
A thunder sounds again, and Yoongi waits for the sound to disappear.
Yoongi doesn't deny it, he has always loved people asking him to play music. Normally no one likes to have to go back to their craft in their free time, and less for the fun of others, but Yoongi loves to prove that he is really good at what he does. Now he feels a small cramp in his arms though.
"Yeah, wait, I'll get it."
He doesn't really know how to do it. He feels that the expectation is too big right now, so much that he could fail, and he could not forgive that, not in front of somebody. Yoongi gets up and goes to Jeongguk's room to pick up his guitar. When he returns to the room Jeongguk is waiting impatiently, with a smile in his mouth when Yoongi sits back in front of him. He doesn't know what to play actually, at first he thinks of a known song so that Jeongguk realizes how good he does, however that has its drawback, if he fails the boy would notice it right away. At the end, he starts tapping one of those songs that are few visited on YouTube but musically excellent. His hands are sweating and they should not.
Seconds after starting, when he feels more confident, he raises his head from the guitar and looks at Jeongguk. He has turned his, doesn't stare at Yoongi as before, but at the window, the little rain that is falling through the glass. If he doesn't look directly at him playing it's not that uncomfortable. Yoongi continues playing satisfied but still cautious, and Jeongguk seems to enjoy it. For a moment he believes that he closes his eyes, and opens his mouth to say something. Jeongguk says nothing, just hears the vibration of each string and the squeal as the fingers fly over the frets. It's not a song expressly sad, only slow and sweet. Nostalgic perhaps. Happiness with bitter brushstrokes. Yoongi can not stop looking at Jeongguk, and although he is the quietest person he knows himself, he can swear that his heartbeats are accelerating. He cannot deny it, his friend's boyfriend is hot. But maybe hot in a different way. Jeongguk has something special, an appealing beauty, a charm he knows he can not fully appreciate but can not let go. Yoongi stares at him, now that Jeongguk doesn't look, getting lost in the image and forgetting that his fingers are moving on the instrument. He is so accustomed he doesn't need to know it. The strands of his dark hair are not perfectly smooth, they hang down over his closed eyes. His expression is unbelievably serene and warm, Yoongi can say for sure that he is enjoying, the corner of his lips somewhat tight, hiding an instinctive smile, his eyelashes shading his cheeks. His body moving calmly to the rhythm of his breathing. His wide T-shirt letting him see some of the skin on his neck as well. Yoongi tilts his head at the change of note and looks down to that spot. His skin is smooth and clean, made of porcelain, without a single freckle, just a few specific moles dotted around his body. One of them on one side of his neck, lonely in the middle of so much fair skin. Especially beautiful. Yoongi gets a fret wrong and looks down to fix the song. This is bad. Jeongguk frowns and lazily opens his eyes. Yes, he's more than appealing. He's annoying. So fucking annoying he has to stop playing.
"Uh, don't remember the song?" Jeongguk asks lazily, as yawning.
Yoongi shakes his head and thinks he doesn't even have a trace of self confidence now. Even less when the perfection of the song has been distorted by the static image of a person in silence with closed eyes.
"That was show enough."
He shouldn't be drooling over his friend's boyfriend, he's not a fucking child. Yoongi needs to smoke something.
He leaves the guitar on the floor with an ugly sound and gets up to pick up the packet from his coat. Jeongguk watches each of his movements in silence, still somewhat confused by the sudden stop. Yoongi puts a cigarette in his mouth and Jeongguk arches his eyebrows.
"Jimin doesn't like people to smoke here."
Yoongi slows down the process, instead of lighting the cigar he takes it out of his mouth. Jeongguk still looking.
"You're gonna keep the secret, right?"
The boy says nothing, but by his knowing smile Yoongi understands it's a yes.
Instead Jeongguk gets up and goes to the kitchen. Yoongi glances at him as he lights his cigarette, he opening one of the top cupboards in the kitchen to get a bottle of vodka. Yoongi takes a long drag and leans on the sofa.
"Wait, are you even legal?"
Jeongguk's look of disdain responds for him.
"It's Friday, I'd drink even if I weren't."
Yoongi sighs, and when the boy sits back on the carpet, with his back to him, he tightens his lips to hold a grin.
They spend more than they thought drinking. Yoongi had not been drinking for too long, locked up at home practicing, preparing for this crucial week, and honestly he had not missed the taste of free time and alcohol. It's a life that he doesn't really go with. Yoongi looks at Jeongguk, and the boy gives him a smile. The bottle is middle empty, and although the two would deny their intolerance to alcohol, now they already feel a little dizzy. Yoongi rests on his palms and nods.
"You always looking so fucking serious,"Jeongguk speaks after a reasonable amount of silence.
"Always? You've only known me for a few days."
Jeongguk narrows his eyes.
"Jimin told me a lot about you."
"Then you're conditioned by something," Yoongi replies, "that's not fair."
After another drink of vodka and a grimace of disgust Jeongguk shakes his head.
"I'm not conditioned, I just have a base of how you are, and so I can pay attention to other things and corroborate what Jimin said. You never fucking smile, that's what serious people do."
Yoongi snorts. Not that he's serious, it’s that he doesn't have the need to force a smile. Or rather, of looking stupidly weak in front of people. Jeongguk looks at him with the bottle in his hand, and raises an eyebrow. It's peculiar the way Jeongguk stares. Curious.
"I think I'm starting to get you."
"Oh, really. And what you got," Yoongi says ironically.
Jeongguk's mouth forms a smile that he never lets it be. It's not for what he is going to say, but for the little expectation. Yoongi raises his hand and gestures for him to pass the bottle.
"I said I'm starting, a detective never trusts the first clues."
Yoongi nods, squeezing the bottle cap.
"Smart boy. There's a long way to go until you entirely know me."
Jeongguk leans back and wets his lower lip, Yoongi still swallowing the transparent fire that the two of them are drinking and which no one wants to admit.
"So you want me to know you?"
Firstly Yoongi thinks it's an obvious question. He is Jimin's boyfriend, he has to be, tight spot, his friend, plus they are going to live a few days together now. Then he tenses and feels the question is a bit uncomfortable. Like Jeongguk's asking him to expose himself. As if it was even a little teasing. Then he rethinks again, returns to the obvious question, and internally curses the way in which Jeongguk's words sound. Finally he just chooses to shrug.
"And how did you meet Jimin?"
Yoongi hopes he doesn't think he's trying to change the subject, though that's exactly what he's doing. Jeongguk just purses his lips and looks thoughtful at the ceiling.
"Um, I met him through some friends actually. At a college party, you know. Jimin was very nice to me."
"Jimin is nice to everyone."
"Yeah, but he doesn't fuck everyone."
Yoongi takes another sip to the vodka bottle and squints when the liquid burns his throat. Although the image of Jeongguk naked and being fucked in his head would be something truly grateful to Yoongi he doesn't feel like imagining Jimin in the scene.
"I expected more love for your part."
Jeongguk laughs weakly.
"You know, it's not that I just want that from him. I like to share my time with a person who treats me well. It's nice to be loved," Jeongguk adds.
"I'm out of all that shit."
"You never had a girlfriend?"
Yoongi sighs, not sure if for the subject or for what it entails.
"In a relationship, that someone treats you well and loves you implies a reciprocity. It's not that I hate people, it's just that I don't want to live for anyone, I don't want anyone to tie me up. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you two are together, but spending the day with your ass stuck to another person is... it's just not my thing."
It's Jeongguk now who sips the vodka, like a Russian roulette. Yoongi grabs the bottle almost before the boy drops it on the carpet, a little uncomfortable to talk about this kind of intimacy.
"And no, I never had a boyfriend."
Jeongguk arches his eyebrows, though he tries not to be noticed. For a few seconds Yoongi feels this is going to be the beginning of an uncomfortable silence interrupted only by the sound of the rain. Jeongguk is encouraged to ask again.
"But you're not, like, a virgin, aren't you?"
"Fuck, no," he grunts, "love and sex are not related."
"Love and sex are pretty much related. Physically and mentally, what you feel in bed with that special person is not minimally comparable with the pleasure of making the person you love feel good, and vice versa."
Yoongi remains in silence until an ironic laugh escapes between his lips.
"Well, sorry, Romeo. I'm not gonna get into a discussion like this anyway. Lucky Jimin then."
Another drink, although his throat doesn't burn as before, something accustomed to the hard taste of vodka. There is no response though, so Yoongi tilts his head to stare the boy. Looking at the sleeves of his t-shirt. Thoughtful.
"Yeah, I guess."
Yoongi avoids frowning and nods instead, a weird, rather uncomfortable feeling. Yes, now a few really uncomfortable seconds. Jeongguk laughs in a sigh and takes a drink back from the bottle before it's his turn to doing anything to change the subject.
"Why didn't you finish the song before?"
His voice between curious and teasing, suddenly bright smile again. At another time Yoongi would argue perfectly the situation not to give up the slightest trace of imperfection, but now this is another issue. Yoongi swallows.
"I don't know, got tired."
"Really? I was enjoying it, your skills are not joke."
Yoongi holds a smile. He knows perfectly well that they are not, but he can not help feeling that childlike emotion when someone praises his music. Anyway no one has to know how he feels inside. Yoongi takes another sip. The bottle has already little amount of liquid, but the two still drinking without question it.
"I mean, could you play again?"
He looks at the guitar behind him and then into his eyes again. Yoongi sighs quietly, feeling his body light as he breathes in, a sign that it's not just a stupid dizziness, but he's drunk. Not too much, but enough for Jeongguk's proposition to make his lips tighten with a hidden excitement. He answers lazily.
Jeongguk huffs annoyed.
"You liked it?" Yoongi asks.
He wants to hear it again.
A feeling so powerful Yoongi has to bite his lip this time to properly hold the grin. He sits up a bit and sighs, half annoyed by the request half excited by the intention.
He reaches for the instrument with one hand and puts it over his lap. Now his state is not the best to play a song properly, but he does it anyway. He has never tried to play live drunk like many of his favorite artists, it doesn't have to be too difficult, not if it's something he has inside, a gift, not a job. Yoongi inhales and the air tastes like vodka. Then he starts to pluck. Jeongguk shows a sweet and thankful smile even though Yoongi has narrowed his eyes. It's a slow song, like the other one, although now he doesn't care if the boy knows it or not. Now Yoongi would have to make a big effort to find something that really worried him. Jeongguk hugs himself and leans forward, as protecting himself from the cold. The melody continues sounding as they both look everywhere but in the eyes of each one, Jeongguk getting closer to the guitar as if he could hear more this way. Yoongi knows that people enjoy listening to him, but actually no one asked him to play twice.
"Damn," Yoongi says before realizing that alcohol makes him too brave, "your eyes shine like in the movies."
Jeongguk looks up from the strings and Yoongi swears that he can feel the smile rising at the corner of his mouth, growing slowly. From the dark color of his cheeks he assumes Jeongguk is also intoxicated. Yoongi's keeping inside him many facial expressions he won't exteriorize in order not to betray himself, it's already difficult maintaining a stable posture with someone like Jeongguk in front of him. The boy has lowered his head somewhat embarrassed, the music still flying. For a moment the notes grow weaker as Jeongguk raises the bottom of his white t-shirt to scratch his belly. Yoongi grunts and looks away before losing the thread of the song, his abdomen firm and hard despite being sat in a weird position. The music now represents Yoongi state, a delicate song with abrupt and torn changes, dull and weak. Maybe alcohol was not a good idea. Yoongi waits to finish the song and then leaves the guitar on the floor.
"I think I should go."
Jeongguk's eyes open, sudden, they still glowing from the vodka and the situation.
"Wait, already? Why?"
Yoongi doesn't answer and gets up instead. Standing now he can feel for an instant his soul leaving his body to re-enter, dizziness. He stretches and waits until he feels fully prepared to start moving. Jeongguk receives no response but doesn't hesitate to stand beside him and take the steps he gives.
"Don't follow me."
"But why are you leaving?"
Yoongi looks back, stops, and Jeongguk collides with his back.
"Don't follow me, please?"
"You're going to my room."
"It's my room now, I have the right."
"You're taking the bottle with you."
Yoongi looks at his own hand to confirm that. Then he sighs.
"It's not polite not finish the food," he says, and heads again to the room.
Jeongguk rolls his eyes and snorts, and of course follows him again. The room is dark, but when Yoongi turns on the ceiling light the hell brightness blinds him in the worst way, so he turns it off again and chooses to guide himself with the weak street lights entering through the window and his hands. It's not difficult to find the bed, but with care not to spill the vodka and not throw to the floor the cushions that were over the eiderdown. Yoongi clicks his tongue when feels Jeongguk trying to settle on the other side of the mattress.
"It's a nice bedroom right," the boy says after a great sigh of comfort.
"It's fucking empty."
Jeongguk turns his head and blinks until he can see the shape of Yoongi's face.
"Well, actually I like the most ornate decoration for rooms."
Yoongi tilts the bottle and takes a quick sip before drops fall to the eiderdown.
"I don't, but this is too fucking empty."
Little by little they get used to the darkness and now realize that the room was not so dark as to even go groping. Jeongguk huffs, takes the bottle out of his hand and takes a sip more aggressively than he should. Then wipes the chin with his sleeve.
"You're never satisfied with anything."
Yoongi looks at him out of the corner of his eye and snorts, no matter what Jeongguk thinks of him. His interests and concerns are really something of his and no one else's. But sometimes it's okay to share some of that portion of dreams with someone. He's hardly his friend, but not a bad guy. Yoongi likes Jeongguk's way of thinking, the way he looks curious and carefree about everything at the same time. Yoongi gives himself an ethics lesson and rests a hand on his own chest. Then tilts his head thoughtfully.
"I do actually. I enjoy many things."
It has not sounded rude, rather deliberate. Jeongguk leaves the almost empty glass bottle on the nightstand and lies down on his side to watch him speak.
"What do you like?"
Yoongi turns his head to look at him, just for a second, to make sure he's there.
"This. The tranquility. I enjoy the quiet plans, the good company. I had not been drunk in bed for a while."
"That sounds like you're boring."
Yoongi sighs a weak laugh and turns to stay in Jeongguk's posture. Now that he looks closely Yoongi can fully appreciate the brightness of his eyes that has not yet faded.
"Music academy. When I was young I couldn't go out even if I wanted to if I wanted to get good grades, but this reminds me of that then. Sometimes we drank and smoked at friends' dorms, just like this."
Yoongi inhales. Jeongguk's room always smells good, like hotels, as if every time he walked in the cleaning service would have done its job already. It has stopped raining, now it's the cars which break the silence, but between the anesthesia of the vodka and the warm smell of the sheets, Yoongi can not help yawning.
"It's nice to remember again, I guess," Jeongguk replies.
"As long as you've had a nice life."
Yoongi sees Jeongguk smile. But it's not a teasing or fun smile this time. It's a sympathetic smile. A smile that says 'I know' without the need to nod or make any other gesture. Yoongi inhales again, this time a bubbly feeling rising up his chest. Jeongguk's eyes sparkle so brightly that he could feel his gaze on him even asleep.
"I like your eyes."
Neither of them says anything, and Yoongi thinks he's going to regret that right away. He doesn't. Jeongguk doesn't even blink, feeling the leading role.
Yoongi's chest pressure loosens with a nervous laugh, a little, sufficient to turn this conversation into something playful enough to be risky.
"I wanted to flatter you, don't answer with another compliment."
Jeongguk now laughs and bows his head for a moment before returning to his comfortable position on the pillow. Yoongi finds it especially cute.
"Okay, let's see, why you like my eyes."
There is no need to rush, so each word comes out slowly from their mouths. Not too loud, more music than a nuisance.
"You always keep the stare."
"Sure. 'Cause I like your eyes."
After a knowing smile there is no answer. Jeongguk's words keep sounding in his ears, he says nothing though, wanting to treasure that and not spoil it with some other joke. It should not be a priority, but Yoongi hopes Jeongguk to have told a truth. They continue looking at each other, as time goes by their eyelids fall. It's a sensation similar to getting into bed after the shower. Soothing soft sheets and good smell. He has had enough time, but every time Yoongi looks at Jeongguk he discovers a new thing. A new detail. He can not deny that the boy is really handsome. More than that, his face is beautiful. His aura is. Jeongguk's lips show the remains of the smile of a few minutes ago. Yoongi appreciates it, a playful and sweet smile although possibly provoked by the alcohol, his nose somewhat scrunched. Carefree Yoongi raises a hand and taps the tip of his nose. Jeongguk's eyes squeeze at the contact as he growls somehow annoyed and embarrassed. They stay that way until Yoongi can remember it, until he wakes up and realizes that he has fallen asleep. It's the movement of the bed that awakens him; Jeongguk leaving, and the sound of Jimin's keys inviting Jeongguk to leave. Yoongi just sleeps again, he'll think about it tomorrow.
Jeongguk hates many things, the same ones he likes. He hates everything he does when he doesn't want to, even if it's his favorite thing. Jeongguk likes to sleep with people, likes cuddling, likes Jimin to hold him until he falls asleep when it's cold. Now Jeongguk doesn't really want to; he hates it. He does not want to be in bed with Jimin right now, that's why he's hating it. Jeongguk gets up and silently goes to the living room, and sits down on the couch. He doesn't really know what to do. Doesn't want to be awake, it's too early to even think, but he's not going back to Jimin's bed. Jeongguk sits there on the beige faux-leather couch like an idiot until he decides to continue the day awake. Coffee. A black coffee. No sugar. Seeing someone now is not a possibility for him, he's horrible, morning shabby look, but he would not mind get himself ready if he knew Yoongi was coming to have breakfast with him. The excitement of something new. Jeongguk takes a sip to his mug and rests his back on the breakfast counter. Then thinks better and puts some sugar on his coffee. Yesterday was a bit weird, but somehow exciting.
He spends an hour with the sound of the early birds in the background until at last a door opening sounds in the hallway. Jimin comes out of the bathroom with damp face and messy hair, sleepy face but not an annoyed one. He never wakes up grumpy.
"It's early for you," Jeongguk says.
Jimin walks to the kitchen and looks at the empty, dry mug of coffee. Then frowns.
"Even earlier for you."
"I didn't go to sleep so late really, maybe three or four hours before you came," Jeongguk replies, leaving the cup in the dishwasher. Jimin takes his time to make himself a poor Saturday breakfast.
"Oh yeah? The bed was still made when I arrived."
Jeongguk walks over to the closet where Jimin tries to reach for a cookie box and grabs it with less difficulty. He's fine, totally fine, even though half a bottle of vodka is sure still running through his veins. Jeongguk leaves the cookie box on the counter and backhugs Jimin, his skin smelling like vanilla soap.
"I fell asleep on the couch."
He has that ability. Jeongguk has the ability to lie. To be so calm that everyone believes his words by his not-changing body expressions or the naturalness with which he says the things. Jimin looks at him, then smiles and raises his eyebrows.
"We have beds, you know," he says, patting his head behind him, "you can sleep in my bed even if I am not here. Don't be that doggo."
The boy sighs a smile and rests his face in the hollow of Jimin's neck, although with the movements of breakfast preparation Jeongguk can not say that it's actually a comfortable position. He does anyway.
"I see you guys had a good time last night." Jimin rolls his tongue to his upper lip and turns to face Jeongguk, the boy with the cheek slightly red for the rubbing. "You two have cleaned my vodka out."
Jeongguk snorts, holds back a mischievous smile and gets closer to Jimin's nose so both of the tips stroke.
"He was being boring."
Jimin bites his lips a bit and just leaves a little kiss on Jeongguk’s, the closeness a warm and silent farewell before Jeongguk lets Jimin calmly enjoy his breakfast. Today is damp and clear, the clouds blanket the sky white and condensing the water in the air like a hothouse. Jeongguk turns to wash his face and looks at the time. It's still early to wait for Yoongi to wake up. He decides to go out alone.
Yoongi wakes up with the sound of the door closing though. He wakes up but doesn't get out of bed, he has to check his social networks before and some emails from the direction of the conservatory. Rather spam. Eventually he feels prepared to pull the curtain and look directly at the sky, the sun not visible but still a blinding and annoying light for a lazy Saturday. He is even a little dizzy. Yoongi sighs and looks for his pajamas through the room while blaming the kid for having made him drink, and for having fallen asleep with street clothes without realizing it. Now he feels dirty. If it were not for the feeling that he smells like alcohol he wouldn't come out all day of the room.
Smells like coffee, the hallway, the whole house. For being an open kitchen the smell of everything that is cooked is distributed by almost all the rooms, thanks that seems neither Jeongguk or Jimin cook anything especially stinky. In fact it's nice to wake up like that, with the sweet aroma of breakfast. Yoongi styles his hair a bit before heading to the living to say hello. It's just Jimin anyway.
"Yeah, good afternoon better," Jimin replies.
"It's not that late."
"Enough to make me wait. I'm hungry."
Yoongi looks around to check twice that they are both alone.
"You can eat whenever you want, I'll look for some store around here."
"Don't be an idiot," Jimin interrupts, getting up from the couch, leaving the book he had in his hand and wasn't reading on the coffee table, "just go shower and when Jeonggukie comes back we have lunch together."
He nods. The thought of a cold shower right now the most comforting, although when he's behind the shower curtain only opens the tap of the hot water. Yoongi discards his clothes and lets himself be reassured by a shower a little longer than he should. He doesn't want to think about certain things because he actually knows that it's nothing, normal situations and feelings. Before he realizes, he's thinking already though. In how hot Jeongguk is, and there's no matter in that. Reality is reality, and he can not ask for his friend to have an ugly boyfriend just so he doesn't spend the time looking at him. Surely everyone looks at Jeongguk, he's just someone else. Someone who is not made of stone. Yoongi understands that yesterday was normal. Although perhaps to flirt with him as an dirty old man at the last moment was left over. Finally he thinks a big fuck off and closes his eyes under the hot pressurized water.
Jimin looks up at the biggest buildings and points them up. Jeongguk and Yoongi imitate him, nodding as if they knew what he means, Jeongguk just as naive as him in the eyes of Yoongi, despite having been living in that city during all his student years. They take advantage of the brightness of the sun behind the cloud-covered sky, taking advantage of the fact that the rain has stopped all day to look up towards the biggest buildings with Jimin. His friend explains the diplomatic function of this institution and the importance of the neighborhood where they are. It's cold and grey, like the rest of the city, all passers-by dressed in expensive suits and briefcases though. The two follow Jimin's steps, as if he were a tour guide, silent and approving everything he says. It's an odd path, Yoongi has not looked at Jeongguk while they ate, he has not had the need to talk to him, he has not had the obligation to do it, better said, and now doesn't really know how to start any conversation, despite the two are walking along the same sidewalk line. A tourist and exploration path, which Yoongi would enjoy if he were alone. Yoongi likes to discover, but only accompanied by his own criticisms and thoughts. Walking is not annoying if he doesn't have to follow anyone.
"So, where do you plan to rent?"
Jeongguk's voice is now directed at Yoongi, and unconsciously his muscles tense. Jimin doesn't even look up, still struggling to chop his beef, a conversation too colloquial to pay more attention than necessary.
"I'm not sure, I searched online and it turns out that the apartments closest to the conservatory are quite expensive, so..."
Jimin agrees with a gesture, chewing at last a great piece of well-deserved meat.
"You're going to study in a luxurious neighborhood, man, you'll have to get used to breakfast at home."
The sounds of Jeongguk's meal distracts him. The boy preparing all the food and sauces to have everything as close as possible and not having to move around the table during dinner. Jeongguk seems cautious for the most trivial things. Yoongi inhales and realizes he is not hungry at all. When Jeongguk looks at him this time he can not stand the look.
"Even so I still don't know if I'm gonna be accepted."
"Of course yes, idiot, you're the best amateur musician I've ever heard," Jimin protests as passively as possible.
"That's because you have not heard anyone else."
Yoongi starts to feel uncomfortable. He should eat, but doesn't want to chew while responding, and feels that he has to respond all the time. He's uncomfortable because he can't look at where Jeongguk is, the boy fixed on his own plate but Yoongi feels his eyes on him all the time. An illusion that although he knows is not real cannot help feeling. And feels it uncomfortable. And that he's uncomfortable makes him feel nervous. Yoongi sighs all that pain chain and watches Jimin say something to Jeongguk, about food or anything insignificant. They both smile. The really uncomfortable thing is to know that he's thus by a minimum sensation of guilt. Suddenly it's too hot in there. Feeling guilty because his friend's boyfriend is sinfully attractive. The situation is so stupid that Yoongi forces himself to eat even with his stomach already full of air.
Jimin has to work. Yoongi wonders daily whether it would be worth having a job with such a shitty schedule, but Jimin seems to enjoy it. Looks like he were a night artist, a striper or something. On second thought, it wouldn't hurt to have a boyfriend with a night time job. They would eat together, they could share their tasks, live the free time they had together, and then have all night for him alone, for his thoughts and his music. If relationships were so easy right now he would not be thinking about it like a fantasy. When they reach the door of the McDonald's where Jimin works a knot born in Yoongi's throat. He says goodbye with a smile, as always, and with a slap in Jeongguk ass, as always. Yoongi doesn't want to look, as always.
"Hey," Jeongguk starts, without even letting him get ready.
Yoongi turns his head and gives him a look of affirmation. They are still at the door of the restaurant, people coming out of there with the smell of fried chicken.
"Show you a cool place?"
The cool place doesn't seem so cool when Jeongguk says so, but Yoongi has to admit it's really cool. It needs more than a couple of realities to trust someone's judgment though. They walk along the riverbank, not too many words, just the right ones so Yoongi follow Jeongguk and make the path as uncomfortable as possible. They are coming to one end of the park, hardly traveled by the time it is, barely lit because two of the streetlamps are broken, basically. It's just below, next to the wall that separates the water meters above, there are small stairs with remains of an old gate that would lead to a port of rafts now in disuse. Yoongi doesn't touch the rusting handrail when they go downstairs. The place is strangely clean, at least from the human hand; there is no trash, bottles or food paper bags, as if it seemed a place so hidden that not even drug addicts go there. Jeongguk guides him to the river bank with a smile of excitement.
"How does it look?"
Yoongi takes time to answer. The river is not quiet, the wind is stopped by the bridge wall right next to them, but not in the water, so it creates a peculiar maritime sound. The smell of autumnal humidity is unpleasant but comforting, the scent of night and Jeongguk's clothes reaches his lungs like the smoke of a cigarette.
"Thought you were going to take me to a club."
His voice sounds convincing though what he least wants to do now is go to a club. He doesn't want to wake up again with the taste of vodka in his mouth, not a couple of days left from his first exam. Jeongguk leaves him behind, facing the river, and sits on a stone sheltered by the bridge.
"You said you like the tranquility."
Yoongi appreciates it. On his back he holds a smile and appreciates the boy kept him on mind. Yoongi looks around. He, the vintage and traditional life lover. He looks around and all he sees is water and stone lit vaguely by the park lights above them, behind the wall. The sound of the sudden movement of water. The damp air on his cheeks. The loneliness. Yoongi loves it.
Jeongguk rests his palms on the cold stone. Eventually Yoongi accompanies him.
The time they spend there sat quietly they don't know, but the two want to say many things.
"I didn't know you were like this."
Although he's more intrigued than he should Jeongguk doesn't turn his head to look at him, Yoongi does not either.
"So sensitive. Like, for the scenery."
They spend long seconds until Jeongguk lets his smile show. It's not that he intended to impress him or to appear to be a deeper, cooler person than he is. Jeongguk likes many things, as many as he hates, and what he likes, he likes a lot.
"Yeah, right? Long way to go until you entirely know me."
Yoongi snorts ironically for having revived his previous conversation. And this time something prevents him from putting his thoughts away, as he always does, to a drawer of his head. Yoongi lets his mind think of that conversation, yesterday, at night rather, in the strange company that Jeongguk provides. He glances at him, the boy submerged in the sight of the waves against the wall.
"I don't get you, honestly."
Jeongguk frowns, Yoongi making a gesture with his hand to try to explain something that doesn't come out of his mouth, words he doesn't know how to use.
"You stare like thinking. Always, you look with an intention that I can not understand." He tilts his head, Jeongguk not looking away from his expression. "It's hard for me to read your mind."
"Wait that's bad?" Jeongguk relaxes in a laugh and shrugs. "It makes no sense if you know what others think."
Of course not, Yoongi doesn't want to be almighty. But this is not the point.
"It's not that, just to have an idea for how to open myself. I need to control the situation, I want to know as accurately as possible how people think of me." He shakes his head, dissatisfied with his explanation. Trying to explain something that doesn't even know how to shape in his mind is complicated. "With you in my rifle there is no front or rear sight."
Jeongguk smiles by comparison, really high-flying if he admits it.
"It's not exciting? Like bungee jumping. Throw yourself and not knowing what will happen, with some safety shit of course."
The water hits so hard against the stone wall now it seems that it wants to answer. Yoongi grunts and denies again.
"I fucking hate bungee jumping."
Jeongguk scoffs, as if he was expecting that answer.
"Maybe that's why fucks you if you don't have everything under control, 'cause you don't jump the bridge, 'cause you don't let yourself go. Just fucking relax in front of the unpredictable, I will not do anything you don't like. It's not that I'm planning your death or anything. If you let me spoil: I'm a good person."
Yoongi's grunt is not one of disagreement. He knows exactly how he is himself, no one needs to be a teacher. Even less than someone who hardly knows him.
"I know, and what. You still make me nervous."
It would be a lie to say that Jeongguk doesn't have to press his fingers against the hard stone to hold his excitement. He even curls the toes inside the sneakers.
"You nervous for a twenty-year-old."
"Jimin manipulated you, didn't he? It's not that, shut up." Yoongi clicks his tongue and reaches into his coat to look for the pack of cigarettes. "It's not that kind of nerves."
The humid cold is a little suffocated by the heat of the smoke in his throat. After a long drag Yoongi sighs because Jeongguk is still looking at him annoyed, but the lack of response turns his intense gaze into a smile of surrender. The boy pats his shoulder and Yoongi's muscles tighten. After Jeongguk's laughter only the sound of the river remains; in the dark they see nothing in the water, as if there were a whale flapping in front of them, the wind moving the waves with force. Perhaps it's because of the echo that hits the wall. Or because in that corner of the bridge the sound is protected as in a greenhouse the heat. That's why they can be there at that time of night without losing their limbs by freezing.
"It reminds me of the beach," Jeongguk says.
"I fucking hate the beach."
A look would work to answer, but he's not satisfied with that.
"Don't say I fucking hate everything," Yoongi manages to say before the boy finishes the sentence.
Jeongguk's smile fades. Yoongi takes a quick drag on his cigarette before throwing it into the water. They see the red dot disappear in the dark.
"Sorry, didn't mean to be rude."
Jeongguk nods, and Yoongi feels stupidly guilty for taking away the slightest flash of light in a stupidly innocent conversation. Like throwing a cigar butt into the river. He's going to quit smoking anyway.
"I mean, it's not that I hate the beach," Yoongi snarls, trying to pick up the subject. "Just, it reminds me of thinks I don't want to remember."
"A love?" Jeongguk purses his lips and waits, risky.
There is a filing cabinet for the ugly side of the past in our minds that some cover easily with more papers. Yoongi can not help but keep it very in mind like everything else. He doesn't really want to open that folder of memories, not painful but uncomfortable. Tiresome.
"Something like that."
Yoongi turns his head and looks at Jeongguk's passive intention. Or whatever the boy is thinking, Yoongi doesn't know.
"They hurt you?"
"No." He doesn't have to clarify further for Jeongguk to stop asking. "I've never trusted anyone."
The place is melancholic and anesthetic at the same time. Jeongguk thinks that Yoongi's serious face is the same. He is looking forward, lost gaze. Jeongguk stops looking at him because he feels he's going to give himself away. In the silence however he decides to somehow lay his head on Yoongi's shoulder. He places it without warning, and receives no response, either negative or positive. Yoongi tenses at the touch, and clenches his teeth in an attempt to curse himself because it's the second time. Mechanically he tries to relax completely so that the boy is as comfortable as possible. However, although not physically, none of them is comfortable, because they both think the loud beats they hear are their owns. They both judge themselves in silence for trying to avoid thoughts they both know they should not have. Not pictures. Just tempting sensations.
"Can I tell you something?" Jeongguk says, interrupting a silence that Yoongi thought was not going to break.
Jeongguk scratches his nose and waits until the noise of the night disappears for a moment.
"You seem very trustworthy. Like, seriously. I barely know you, but you have that aura."
Yoongi would reply with something that would counterpose that argument, but really he has nothing to say against that. He looks at his shoulder, where Jeongguk's head rests, and holds back the beginnings of a grin.
"Yeah. Ironic, maybe."
A deep sigh fills Jeongguk's lungs with humidity. They have been sitting there for a long time, not really knowing why. The boy lifts his head and looks at Yoongi to speak again.
"At first I didn't know why you and Jimin were best friends, you guys are so different." Jeongguk shrugs. "Now I can understand why he appreciates you so much." Then, a half-shy half-sad smile forms on his tight lips. "I know you won’t," Jeongguk finishes, "but perhaps one day you can trust me too."
It's dark and hot. He wouldn't get out of bed if it was not necessary anyway, but he needs to go to the bathroom. In fact he would have done it already if there was not a drawback that in addition to him is double trouble. The apartment is dark, Yoongi doesn't know what time it is, maybe 1am, maybe later, and although he needs to sleep to rest as much as possible for his morning exam, his bladder and the noise from the next room don't let him. The choked voices, the two trying to speak as low as possible but not getting their rage to seep through the walls of Jimin's room. Yoongi has never heard Jimin arge, he has not even seen him angry, and now he doesn't know if it's pity or fear what he feels. Yoongi hates these situations. Yoongi hates everything is not provoked by his own will. Yoongi hates human stupidity.
After thinking about the quietest way to go to the bathroom to not get the attention of either of the two arguing the door of Jimin's room opens, and a few steps are directed to the living room. Yoongi sighs and thinks that everything has ended, at least, that Jimin has given up and has chosen to get the fuck out this night so each one will clear things up for themselves. He doesn't know why they argue, nor does he care to know, he just needs to go to the bathroom. Seconds of reflection after he's pulling aside the eiderdown and looking for his slippers with his feet on the floor. The door opens slowly, perhaps if he's very quiet Jimin doesn't realize that he is walking around the apartment, but it's useless; the bathroom is right next to the living room, Yoongi's ankles creak while walking, and the toilet cistern sounds so much that even the downstairs neighbor knows someone upstairs is having bladder problems. Finally he chooses to do everything as fast as possible, including the brief talk he will end up having with Jimin out of compassion. Friends have responsibilities anyway. Yoongi assumes that he'll probably be fucked, but Jimin also knows that it's very late and tomorrow is his first piano exam. A sigh of resignation and Yoongi heads to the bathroom. Two minutes at most, posed so washing hands is as slow as possible. Without warning he walks over to the beige faux-leather couch, without warning two tears fall down Jeongguk's cheeks that seem to have been waiting there held in his eyes until Yoongi gazed at the scene. Now he does feel uncomfortable.
"Sorry," Jeongguk whispers.
Jeongguk doesn't have to apologize, he's in his fucking house sitting on his fucking couch, he can cry wherever and whenever he wants, he wants to think. The one who feels out of place is Yoongi, in the middle of a fucking couple argument.
"Nah, I'm the one who's sorry, didn't want to make this uncomfortable."
"You don't," Jeongguk interrupts Yoongi's way back to his room. He had barely turned his body, but Jeongguk's voice rings as an invitation. "I mean, it's more uncomfortable if we make it as if nothing happened when it's obvious to the three of us that something did happen."
Yoongi now is forced to something he didn't want from the beginning, but it's true that it would have been uncomfortable to pretend tomorrow that he hasn't heard the voices of the next room, and quite intriguing if he admits, not knowing why it happened. Yoongi sighs and sits down next to him on the couch. It's the worst time to do it, he has his first test tomorrow, he has to get up early to be wide awake, he hates to get in the middle of an argument, and Jimin is his friend, he feels a bit betrayer.
"Then can I ask what happened?"
But he does it anyway. Jeongguk sighs a weak laugh and looks forward, lips pressed in an attempt to give the best answer, although he is resigned very soon. The only sound they hear is the ticking of the clock, and it's annoying for both of them.
"Not really. I'm sorry, it's kinda embarrassing for me."
"Oh," Yoongi says after an unexpected response. People usually like to tell their problems. People like to talk about everything as long as it's their own shit.
"You know, everything starts with a ridiculous thing that ends up being voices and words full of pride. And that's just why it's so ridiculous that it's embarrassing."
Yoongi nods. He knows it because that is one of the seven most human behaviors. Pride. Jeongguk sobs and wipes the tears that were still running slowly down his cheeks. Yoongi looks disappointed, for a moment he felt that he had never seen Jeongguk so beautiful, his face swollen and red, eyes bigger and brighter than ever. Painful expression. Painfully handsome.
"I'm fine, you don't have to look at me like that."
Yoongi nods again, then shakes his head. Actually he doesn't know what to do, tired of his mind walking two different paths in one situation. Worried about his condition, thankful for his beautiful face. Both things make him feel a bit protective.
"It doesn't seem so."
"I'm fine, Jimin and I, we both are fine. It's just that sometimes something is not going right and that fucks everything. Like Jenga." Jeongguk gives a deep sigh and covers his face with his hands, as if that could erase the irritation of his eyes. Then he turns to Yoongi and speaks directly into his eyes.
"Have you feel you've reached the limit of something you own and stop trying to look for something better?"
"You mean people?"
Although it's obvious that all this is said for Jimin Yoongi pretends it's a newborn conversation, trying that the other doesn't regret to have begun it. Jeongguk nods.
"You think you don't need to met new people because yours are good enough already. But maybe there's someone else out there who is even better for you, just for you, who is closer to what you really are, what you really like. And you never find them because you have already given up."
Yoongi finds himself pressing his fingers against the material of the couch, his heart stupidly accelerated. It's the presence of Jeongguk that makes him nervous, more in this state of weakness. Yoongi swallows and talks as neutrally as possible.
"Jimin is a surrender?"
"Jimin is the best person I've ever met, I swear," Jeongguk says, trying to excuse his own words. "I would never want to hurt him. It's just that- sometimes I wish he had not known me."
The saliva Yoongi swallows is bitter. He believes Jeongguk is speaking from the pain of having argued, but after all Yoongi is friends with Jimin, and he has known Jeongguk for only a few days. Yoongi is not going to tell Jimin anything, anyway. He doesn't want to hurt him either.
Jeongguk sighs, for crying now he becomes sleepy. Like a baby tantrum. He looks around and feels the material of the couch, the beige faux-leather couch, hard and taut like a mat. Jeongguk tilts his head with a sigh of discomfort and raises his eyes. Yoongi knows what he's going to ask before he does.
"Can I sleep with you?"
The two of them have already slept together, but this is different. Falling asleep in a bed next to each other as a result of a night of vodka shots is not the same as starting a night with a guy in bed.
"I have to get up fucking early."
"I'll get up with you. I can make you breakfast if you want."
Jeongguk's voice is more like a plea. Is not just that. Jeongguk is not just any guy, he's his friend's boyfriend. Not just that, Jeongguk is that boyfriend of his friend Yoongi cannot stop think about. Besides they have just argued, he has his first test tomorrow, he has to get up early to be wide awake, he hates to get in the middle of an argument, and Jimin is his friend. Besides, Yoongi fucking hates sleeping with people.
"It's fine I guess."
Jeongguk smiles, his cheeks and eyes still red. Yoongi's heart implodes. He doesn't really know if he wants this, but for a moment he has left his mind blank and his body has spoken for him. Technically is not a bad thing, if Yoongi forgets all his previous thoughts technically is not a bad thing. Not a good one either, they're just going to sleep, less space in the bed, another breath in his oxygen. Yoongi said okay.
It has to be a test of God or some shit. Sleeping next to him, like seeing an angel in his greatest state of peace. Pure and serene. It's just that, Jeongguk is an earth angel. Yoongi wants to curse how incredibly beautiful someone can be. The boy fell asleep a short time ago, after some thanks and really, really thanks while they prepared the bed for two. The small bed in which they have to sleep in a pretty uncomfortable way if Yoongi is not willing to rub any centimetre of him. Jeongguk is on his back, one hand on his chest, and his head turned slightly towards Yoongi's side so he can look at his face. In the dark, and so he can see the light he gives off. A fucking test of God. It's not that Yoongi is tempted to do something, to take some obviously wrong step, he is not that simple. He's not stupid, and he has principles. But it's difficult, very difficult to sleep watching Jeongguk's chest rise and fall calmly to the rhythm of his breathing. A comfort he had never found in other guy. Yoongi stares at Jeongguk's hands, fine wrists, smooth skin, and he wonders what it would be like to touch him. What it would be like to fuck him. Yoongi looks him in the face once more time, his lips parted that let the air of his sleep in and out calmly to look at his hands again. Yoongi would grab him by the wrists so he would not move beneath him. Yoongi's sure Jeongguk would do whatever he told him to do. He's athletic, playful, he sure wouldn't refuse to do anything in sex Yoongi asked for. But Yoongi doesn't really want that. He feels instinctively too protective of Jeongguk. Yoongi knows that he'd fuck Jeongguk if he had the chance, he knows it well, if Jeongguk was a guy in a club or even a friend. But now he wouldn't mind to stay with him in bed after the sex as well. Yoongi inhales and breathes the warm scent of Jeongguk's hair. Sweet. He would fuck him if and when he could cuddle him up and spend the night between lazy kisses until they fell asleep. Suddenly so much soppiness overwhelms him. Yoongi huffs and turns around, a position more uncomfortable yet less dangerous. It's stupid and incredibly unnecessary to think of something like this now.
Jeongguk opens his eyes and it's morning already. Shouldn't be. It takes him a few seconds of mental cleaning until he realizes he is alone in bed, that it's eleven in the morning and that he has fallen asleep.
Jeongguk says it loud enough to be able to fight himself. Without time to lose, although he doesn't know what he intend to do, he gets up from the bed and leaves the room to check that, yes, he's completely alone. The living room is empty and clean, the kitchen without breakfast remains. As if something had happened and he would have lost it by being asleep. Jeongguk breathes heavily and rubs his face with his hands. He is somehow sorry, last night he promised Yoongi that he would wake up with him and make him breakfast if he let him sleep in his bed, and in fact the only thing that Yoongi has gotten has been a crying baby with his ass so asleep he didn't noticed the noise of the other when waking up. Jeongguk bites his lip and returns to his room to find the cell phone that is surely lying somewhere on the side. On the carpet next to the bed foot, more exactly. He has no missed calls, no messages from Jimin. Jeongguk looks at the time and opens his chats. The test has started two hours ago, and as Yoongi told him it would be, he doesn't think it's too long to finish, if it's not already finished. Jeongguk bites his lip again, and after two unsuccessful attempts to type Jimin something to break the hard dark ice of last night's argument, he looks for Yoongi's phone contact instead.
The day is clear despite the low temperatures. Yoongi heated up walks out of the building and puts on his big maroon scarf, trying to keep all his folders and papers from falling to the ground. The day is so clear that Yoongi squints his eyes as he goes through the large wooden door, and clenches his teeth not to curse aloud for the temperature contrast. It doesn't take long for his nose and cheeks to turn red from the winter chill that lurks in the autumn months without warning. With a great sigh that quickly turns into mist he walks through the garden, between people entering and leaving the conservatory, teachers and students, nobodies like him. His phone vibrates a couple of times but he ignores it. Or that he intends at first, until he regrets having put it on vibration and not on silence mode. It vibrates again and again, someone is impatient. Yoongi growls and stops for a second to pull the annoying device out of his back pocket. He is not really in the mood for anyone, after the few hours of sleep and dissatisfaction with the exam -which went well, but could have gone better- he is somehow fucked. Fucked with the world, because he's safe if it's the world who is always to blame. However Yoongi can not ignore his phone, not in a city that is not his own, not living in an apartment that is not his own.
Unknown Number [11:07]:
i swear i wanted to wake up but
didn't know u were a fucking silent cat???
sorry i'm stupid
Yoongi didn't want to be in that situation. He didn't want it firstly because he thought the messages would be Jimin asking about his exam. He didn't want to because he already assumed that all of what happened yesterday were words born of a moment of survival. He didn't want it but yeah, he finds himself smiling at the screen like a fool, in the middle of a river of people entering and leaving the building, hands full of things and a scarf choking him.
i just left, gonna take a coffee
still need two more coffees to stay awake
He sighs the smile to turn it into his previous face of fuck the world and put back the phone in his pocket after saving the contact of Jeongguk with a quick finger movement, ready again to leave the place. He really thanks the kindness of the boy. After a shitty night, what he'd have liked most would have been to wake up with the smell of Jeongguk's coffee and toasts, not only in a dark room, awfully hot and dressing in the bathroom because a sudden guest occupied the other side of his bed. His phone vibrates again, and this time Yoongi picks it up right away.
can i treat you this one at least?
Yoongi replies nothing. Really no muscle in his body moves. All this is unnecessarily sweet. Maybe not for other people, but no one had ever treated him like this before, with that interest and that pretty face. Yoongi tightens his lips so he doesn't smile again and thinks a response with which he doesn't seem too rude but yet not too excited. Jeongguk types before he thinks anything.
i'm at your hogwarts conservatory in fifteen minutes
Yoongi scoffs. This time can be seen the white of his small teeth under the big maroon scarf though.
Coffee tastes better with Jeongguk. The worst coffee tastes just great if Yoongi takes it looking over the paper cup to meet Jeongguk's bright black eyes. It's sweet and comforting. It's a pretty scenario indeed. The tranquility of the site and the company. Yoongi thanks it and hums when Jeongguk asks for his exam. He doesn't want to ruin the moment, although what he always wants more is to talk about the things that fuck him. Another human characteristic, and he's a human after all. They are sitting in a coffee shop near the conservatory, not so close to be fancy enough to pay a fucking organ for a coffee, but the people who go there are workers and students, calm and quiet. The music is just soft chords. Jeongguk's mocha is still too hot, he has not touched it yet.
"How did you get my number?"
Jeongguk grins, and for a moment looks away, an unusual gesture.
"Jimin has a paper glued on the kitchen wall with our numbers. I see you don't notice the little things."
"I do," Yoongi says hastily, "I'm an artist. I just forget things that have no value to me."
Jeongguk laughs again, this time picking up his coffee carefully and checking if it's already drinkable.
"My phone number has no value to you?"
Yoongi looks at him from below and holds a nasty smile.
"I'd rather see you and talk to you in person."
The barista approaches and interrupts the conversation to leave a couple of freshly baked filled buns on the table. Yoongi then blames himself for the unnecessary flirting behavior he is having. But the words come out alone, as if Jeongguk looks at him the way Yoongi wants Jeongguk to look at him. Yoongi gives a deep sigh and when the barista goes back he gets his coffee and drinks a slow sip, two, waiting for Jeongguk to change the subject.
"By the way, last night-" Jeongguk starts.
"I don't know, he went out this morning before I woke up." Jeongguk bends over the table and breaks the filled bun in half, then talks while working on it. "I wanted to say you I won't tell him anything. I know it's silly, but it can be troublesome for Jimin to know that I slept in your bed with you, you know, as if you stand up for me. I don't want to fuck the things up anymore."
Yoongi nods in agreement and sighs, as if it'd have been inevitable. Like he was not stupid. Yoongi thinks better and feels like a child, excited to hide pranks, but this is all absurd. They are no longer children, and this, even subtle, is wrong.
"You guys have to talk."
"I know, I'm going to do it, I'm not that stubborn. But I prefer to do it in person," Jeongguk says, singing the last sentence. Yoongi looks to the side with a choked gasp. Guilty in some way.
By the time they change the subject nothing is doubtful. On the contrary. Yoongi takes his treated breakfast time to get to know Jeongguk better, and what strikes him most is that Jeongguk never stops showing his teeth. His neutral expression is pure and joyful, somehow reassuring, no fake positivism, no feigned laughter. Like a sunshine. Jeongguk is like that, natural, gentle, despite his jokes and rudeness. It's nice to talk to a person who never seems to judge. Jeongguk is telling his experiences at the college, his parties and his not-so-parties, and the attention he receives from Yoongi seems so satisfying that he trusts himself completely, leaving behind no detail as ridiculous or inappropriate as it may seem. Yoongi listens attentively, more to his voice than to his words, a pleasant sound after a hard examination morning. For a moment he forgets how to play the piano. Any instrument.
"It's the first time I see you smile like this."
Yoongi stops laughing but keeps smiling, really not knowing why he asks that, really not knowing what Jeongguk was saying so funny to find himself smiling like that. It's just the place, he thinks. Everything around him is so quiet and pleasant that Yoongi feels so happy to smile at anything. Jeongguk shakes his head, dismissing the matter. Again it's a moment that neither of them wants to ruin.
Yoongi's phone vibrates inside the pocket of his coat. It's the second time actually. Carefree he picks it up and sees Jimin's name on the screen. Now his smile fades a little.
"I have to take the call," he speaks for both of them.
For a moment he had forgotten the existence of his friend, although unintentionally his name has been present more than once in the conversation. Yoongi gets up and doesn't put on his coat to go out the door to talk. He doesn't touch the green tactile button, instead he waits for the call to end to call Jimin himself.
"Man, thought for a moment you'd still be on the exam and here I am calling you as a desperate girlfriend," Jimin's voice crackles.
"Nah, sorry, didn't hear the phone before. Everything has gone well, actually."
"Cool, glad to hear it, I already knew you'd do well anyway." Jimin speaks cheerfully, as if he was not angry with Jeongguk, the truth is Yoongi doubts Jimin could be angry with anyone. "I'm around the area, maybe you wanna have a coffee to talk about the test?"
Yoongi chokes in silence. He can hear the noise of cars and street people through the phone, and as an idiot looks around. Jimin is not there, the area is too big. So what, the world is too big and even so he has to be just with his friend's boyfriend in that coffee shop. Yoongi sighs the knot of his throat and looks through the window, toward where Jeongguk is sitting. Haunting gaze towards the wall, lost fingers stroking the locked screen of his phone. Thoughtful. Innocent next to his mocha coffee. Too beautiful in his navy blue sweater. Yoongi murmures a yes when Jimin asks him if he's still there.
"Yeah, sure, I'm actually doing nothing."
Jimin's smile can be noticed from the phone. Yoongi feels fucking guilty. And he is, because he's lying, and for no apparent reason. What keeps him from telling him the truth? Just a sorry, Jimin, I'm having a coffee with your boyfriend right now, with whom I slept yesterday after you both argued, so we better met another day. Well, he actually has an apparent reason. The reason of deep down all this is fucking weird. They both agree the meet and hang up the phone with a brief farewell. Yoongi touches the pocket of his nonexistent coat looking for his pack of cigarettes, and immediately he feels he's freezing to death when he realizes he has left the coat in his seat. Jeongguk still waiting for him in silence. When Yoongi enters again he doesn't even sit, promptly putting on his maroon scarf.
"We leaving? You didn't eat your bun."
Yoongi feels sorry for the way Jeongguk looks at him, somewhat disappointed by the wait and the sudden leave, but this is wrong, the person with whom he should be taking a coffee is Jimin.
"No, I am leaving."
After putting on his coat and picking up all his stuff he looks one last time at Jeongguk, a face of confusion Yoongi does not really want to leave behind.
"It's Jimin, just- listen, you don't have to tell him we've been here. I don't want him to feel out of place, okay? Next time better we three go out together."
Jeongguk fakes a smile. Yoongi wonders why he makes the effort of doing it even if it's clear he's faking it. Yoongi doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to get away from this moment, but he needs to delete the evidences. He arches his eyebrows, emphasizing the question.
"Sure," Jeongguk says. His mocha coffee still halfway. "The next time."
He spends more than twice as long as Yoongi had planned until he sees Jimin. He sees it from a distance, leaning against the wall that makes corner with the coffee shop that they agreed. Yoongi is not good at lying. Not that he doesn't, he is simply awful at that, he gets annoyed if someone asks him about the matter, as if the guilty was not him. Also, his mouth tastes like coffee. Jimin pats Yoongi's shoulder, his mouth tasting like the coffee he had with Jeongguk. They both sit in the cafe, too warm, too busy for Yoongi's taste. The plan is worse, but he is doing the right thing. Outside it has begun to rain so he doesn't escape.
"So the test okay? How was it been?"
Jimin sits in the opposite chair with two large coffees in his hands. Yoongi nods uneasily, trying to give an affirmative answer. He really doesn't feel like explaining anything now, quite exhausting already with the fucking strict tutors he had to be tested with.
"I still have two tests, this doesn't mean anything."
"I don't know a shit about music, but I know you're a fucking nerd."
Yoongi scoffs and takes a sip of his coffee. He doesn't intend to give that image of himself. His idols are not necessarily Mozart or Liszt, they are contemporary musicians, great artists living a miserable life, The 27 Club, he is not a classy ass playing in family celebrations. His stomach roars. Too much coffee and no food at all.
"When did you leave?" Jimin asks.
Almost two hours have passed.
"Oh yeah? And what have you been doing until now?"
Yoongi swallows. Saliva, not coffee.
"Waiting. Taking a walk, I don't know."
The moment is uncomfortable for one of the two. Jimin doesn't seem really concern, Yoongi is a fairly independent person, it's not uncommon for him to leave the conservatory and decide to just walk around the area to investigate his new neighborhood. But Yoongi, who knows the truth, suddenly doesn't know himself.
"Now, something I think is more important to you," he ventures to say. It's clear Jimin had a bad time, and he can not leave the subject buried as if it was nothing.
Jimin laughs, weak. Resigned.
"You heard us last night, didn't you?"
"You don't have to tell if you don't want to," Yoongi admits. False. Yoongi now dies wanting to know what the hell happened yesterday and why so much absurd mystery. This feeling of gossip girl embarrasses him.
Jimin clicks his tongue and tilts his head, not really knowing how to start, if he wants to start.
"Well, I don't think it's the best conversation, less talk about someone behind their backs. Bed stuff, you know."
He is a great person. Yoongi remains silent for a moment thinking about how Jimin is not going to tell anything because he respects Jeongguk, meanwhile Yoongi's hiding a chain of stupid things that if they had been told from the beginning now wouldn't be a problem. Yoongi bites his lip trying to appear neutral, a tray of sensations inside his body, within the range of guilt and curiosity.
"Honestly, this is not the first time it happens." Jimin seems downcast. He always has a calm and cheerful expression, but the slight dark circles in his eyes reveal that he is not really going through a good moment. "Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough for Jeongguk. I let myself being carried away, I turn my frustration into anger and-"
"You're the least angry person I know, I don't believe that's the main problem. Besides, it's normal that things that fuck us, well, do fuck us."
"I know, but Jeongguk is perfect. I have no reason to be minimally angry with him."
Yoongi nods, though that gesture has much more weight actually than Jimin thinks. Jeongguk is perfect. He really is. If he was not perfect right now his hands would not be sweating. It's fucking awkward talking about his boyfriend now, and not just because he feels out of place in a couple conversation. Yoongi sighs and looks away. This is his third coffee. Usually Yoongi would appreciate it, an extra dose of caffeine is never wrong, however this coffee doesn't taste good. This is more bitter than it should.
"Call him," Yoongi says, though he doesn't know if it is politeness or willing. He tries to think that it's the second option. "Time doesn't heal a shit, people do. Call him before it's too late for it to be violent to talk about it again."
Jimin sighs and nods, convinced that his friend is right. Just in a few seconds he takes the phone out of his pocket.
The advice goes well, and Yoongi is proud that sometimes people listen to him. Although he himself doesn't put into practice his own theories, they work for others. That night the mood is different, the atmosphere is cheerful, it shows the mood of the couple. Although it has nothing to do with him, the bad mood of others is uncomfortable for oneself. Yoongi is sitting on the beige faux-leather couch waiting for dinner. Waiting for the others to shower so they could dine together. It's comforting to come home after the city's autumn hustle, the rain that doesn't decide whether to stay or to leave, the cold of the street and the heat of the buses. Yoongi takes a deep breath and continues scrolling the Twitter timeline. He has not been aware of the news for days, his head too busy with other things, his bank account suffering in anticipation of the new rent. Yoongi hears a few steps behind him and doesn't bother turning his head. It's Jeongguk, already out of the shower, wearing sweatpants and a wide T-shirt, his hair still wet. The boy approaches with silent steps, not wanting to disturb the concentration of Yoongi on his phone. He looks at him like this for a while, serious, going from bottom to top all that news he pretends to care about. Then he comes a little closer. They hear Jimin opening the shower water tap.
Yoongi jumps when he feels something cold between the strands of his hair. Jeongguk grins and they exchange glances when Yoongi turns his head.
Yoongi hums and shakes weakly his head.
"No, I don't mind, it's just that I didn't expect it." He turns to look at his phone again.
Jeongguk smiles again, this time of satisfaction. His fingers are wrinkled from the warm water of the shower, sensitive to the touch; he entangles them in the locks of Yoongi's hair, fussy, kind of wavy for letting it dry by itself but still soft. Jeongguk tilts his head and goes deeper into his scalp, somehow warm, the warm skin of having showered just a little while ago. Yoongi doesn't like his hair to be touched, to ruin the poor hairstyle he does every morning. He leaves it now however, lets Jeongguk exploring between his locks like a curious puppy.
"Your hair is very soft," Jeongguk says.
Yoongi looks up without moving his head, though he doesn't see Jeongguk. He purses his lips to force seriousness when an excited smile attempts to break in without permission. Technically it's not a compliment. Hair can have that characteristic, curly, soft, fine, thick. He's not going to be so weak for some silly words.
Jeongguk makes a sound of affirmation.
"You're the first person to say that."
"Not that I touch everyone's hair either."
He receives no answer, Jeongguk chuckles by his own comment, imagining the picture if he had the habit of going around playing with hairs like a kink. Then the question is different, of how many will have touched the hair he touches now. How many boys will have run their hands through Yoongi's soft locks. Jeongguk squeezes his fingers with some force trying to reproduce an image in his mind that he should not.
"What shampoo you use?" Jeongguk asks.
"Elvive Extraordinary Oil?"
"Oh? The same as mine."
"It is yours," Yoongi snorts, "forgot to bring my gel and shampoo."
Jeongguk's fingers stop, but they don't leave his hair.
Actually everything but annoyed. Instead it gets him a little excited. Jeongguk retakes his massage, no longer curiosity but the urge to touch his hair. Yoongi inhales and is carried away by the sensation, the slight tickling each time Jeongguk changes the direction of his fingers.
"It works on you better than me anyway."
"I have very nice hair," Jeongguk is quick to say.
Yoongi nods, and Jeongguk feels it under his hands.
"That's so true."
There is a moment of silence where Jeongguk feels the same tickling as Yoongi, but all over his body. His eyes sparkles at the compliment. It could have been more, but it's rousing for him the slightest sign that Yoongi focuses on his hair. Or anywhere of him. Jeongguk bits his lower lip in a lazy smile and let his hands fall a little on the back of his neck, the hair shorter there, still soft. Yoongi feels his eyes close, but even though Jeongguk can not see it he doesn't. No longer scrolling the screen, he's no longer paying attention to the phone. The hands travel deliberately through the skin of the nape of his neck to the front, and it's obvious that the boy no longer intends to touch his hair. Though Jeongguk doesn't know in what he has become this, he doesn't stop, his breathing quickening from the sensation of discovery, from feeling something he has never felt under his fingertips. From his back Jeongguk runs the curve of his neck to Yoongi's Adam's apple, and encouraged by the silence of Yoongi, which doesn't mean a denial, lowers a little more, to that hollow between his clavicles. Yoongi try to controlling a stupidly fast breathing, and Jeongguk can feel it, he stifles a gasps and bites his lip more because he feels like Yoongi is as nervous as he is. The meaning of the situation is also odd to him. His leg trembles. He wants to stop, but Yoongi doesn't stop him. His fingers are no longer wrinkled, still he feels all the softness of the skin beneath them, thin against the outline of his bones. Jeongguk lowers until the tip of his fingers hide under the collar of his shirt. Yoongi grabs his hand. Jeongguk stops.
It's a moment that lasts seconds but for them it's more than a minute, when Yoongi lifts his head and looks at him from below. They don't know what to say. They don't know whether to put a name to this and that it's fucking uncomfortable or pretending that nothing happens, as if this were part of the common physical friends relationship. However deep down they are very aware of what this is. The water in Jimin's shower stops, and they both look at the bathroom as if he were going out the door. There is still enough left for that to happen, Jimin has to dry himself, dress, dry his hair, put his cream on. They take it as a warning though. As the necessary interruption they were waiting for they could break the moment of tension and shame. Jeongguk makes something like a smile and leaves. If one of the two pretends the other can also do it. If one of the two says nothing the other doesn't dare to ask what the hell just happened.
Jimin accompanies him to his door to say good night this time, and that seems even more scary after what comes next. They have had a nice dinner, Jeongguk without making any weird gesture, basically as if nothing had happened, and if he wants it so Yoongi will go along. After all, maybe it's he who is mixing up things. He doesn't know how affectionate Jeongguk is, he doesn't know to what extent Jimin knows what Jeongguk is doing. They are very happy now, that seems of course, and Yoongi is satisfied with that. This odd thinking is driving him crazy. Maybe after all this is one of those sexy cousin movies and all he has to do is stay out, because everything he thinks happens is actually pure coincidence.
That night he suffers. That night Yoongi suffers in a way he would never have imagined, because the situation should be funny. But it's not. At least for anyone else it would be, but all the factors were against him. That night Jimin accompanies him to his door to say good night, and that already seems strange. It only spends half an hour when Yoongi shouts a silent please , even knowing he's not praying to anyone. It's Jeongguk. At first it's just Jeongguk, his hectic breathing, something he has imagined before but he never thought he would really hear. Yoongi's body tenses as if the couple can hear him moving in the bed, as if they might discover that he's still awake and that was a crime. Yoongi turns on the bed carefully and hugs the pillow trying to muffle on his ears the sounds coming from the next room. It's really just that, a violent breathing that Jeongguk could do in any other situation of effort; well, if he pays attention also the blows of the bed, but Yoongi knows perfectly what is happening there and that is what he doesn't want to know. Not that he never heard a friend fuck, nor is it something that happens often. It's just that he feels worse now. Now it's not just an obstacle to sleep. Now it's the most annoying thing ever. Just a few hours ago Jeongguk and Jimin were mad at each other, just a few hours ago Jeongguk said that he wanted someone better than Jimin, and now he is being fucked by him.
Yoongi bites his lower lip and regrets in some way to think that. He can not be considered better than Jimin. He is not. The sound of the bed against the wall intensifies, and for a moment Jeongguk can not hold a moan, quickly muffled, as if Jimin or himself had covered his mouth. Yoongi squeezes hard his eyes. The chill that runs through his body is unavoidable. He doesn't want to hear this. He doesn't want to find himself half-hard for his friend fucking Jeongguk, least of all with this bitter feeling in the throat. He doesn't want to imagine them, he doesn't want to imagine Jimin over Jeongguk, touching him, sucking his skin, Jeongguk shivering and grabbing Jimin's shoulders, perhaps burying his fingers in there, perhaps with his head back on the pillow, eyes closed, lips parted trying to muffle sneaked moans. Yoongi gets up and gives a big sigh of annoyance. He shouldn't sexualize Jeongguk that way when he feels like shit. He doesn't know what he fucking wants anymore. Now he doesn't care if they listen to him being awake, now Yoongi would turn on the light and move the furniture just so they knew he was hearing their sex and they stopped. Yoongi gets up and looks in his backpack for the headphones. Now everything sounds messy, the blows against the wall louder in a non stop, Jeongguk's muffled groans have been joined by Jimin's choked breath. Yoongi feels sick. In a quick gesture he plugs in the headphones to his phone and plays the first song in his playlist. That song will now be as annoying as choosing your favorite song as an alarm clock.
It's a decent apartment. Spacious, not too big to not have to clean much, and most importantly: it only has one bed, which means no flatmate. Well, it's actually a decent apartment because they've already seen seven places and Yoongi is fed up. Jeongguk has been pursuing him all the time, stepping on the same steps as him. Jimin, meanwhile, examines every corner of the loft, accustomed in a way to know the common drawbacks of a seemingly correct aspect. He frowns, but says nothing. Yoongi sighs. Jeongguk looks at him from behind. The three of them have been silent for a while, maybe because they're working on it, maybe because they don't feel like talking. Yoongi, particularly. If he thinks about it, it's like a child angry at having heard his parents fuck. This is not too different. He never wanted to fuck his mother though.
Jimin's voice echoes through the walls. It's furnished, well, at least that's what the ad says, but the only furniture in there is the only one that a homeless would need to be able to live comfortably. Yoongi doesn't want more either.
"It's enough," Yoongi corrects.
"It's cheap," Jeongguk adds.
Something stirs inside Yoongi now every time he hears Jeongguk's voice. Not necessarily something negative. It's been two days since the incident that night, two days and two exams, and he still can not look at the boy for a long time, or have a conversation with him alone, although it seems that Jeongguk doesn't stop trying passively. It's not a broken heart. It's not jealousy. It's not envy. Yoongi dismisses those every day in his mind when he has to look at Jeongguk.
"You like it?" Jimin asks. After a lot of inspecting the empty walls of the place look at Yoongi. "You are the one who will live here after all."
Yoongi's voice doesn't sound very convincing, but really the minimum interest is enough for him.
"You can throw parties here."
"You really think I look like cleaning up the parties shit the next mornings."
"I meant a chill parties, just us. Maybe a couple of beers for the loft inauguration?"
Yoongi tenses and looks towards the door, where the owner of the apartment awaits with the contract and a pen already prepared. That man doesn't have to know about his future plans, much less those that are not propitiated by him. Yoongi sighs again. Finding a good flat is the biggest waste of time he has lived until now.
If Yoongi signs now he will have the loft in just a few days. It's a great trigger, to be able to depend only on him at last. From the stairs hallway of the building the owner of the apartment is heard talking on the telephone. Suddenly he's passively pressured to decide. There is a big space for the piano, that's great. And a large window through which comes a lot of light. Jeongguk approaches Jimin, Jimin passes his hand around his waist. Yoongi looks away. This place is perfect for him.
The train is familiar, the path; the landscape passes through the window like a deja vu. Actually he has taken this train only twice. Yoongi sighs and leaves his phone in the table of his seat. He is tired of social networks, tired now that he has spent the last half hour of travel stalking Jeongguk's Instagram account. And as if he were an unknown Yoongi has not even dared to follow him. Now he wonders how this Instagram account could have existed and he never knew it. Or he has never been interested. Yoongi sighs a curse as he realizes the lack of interest he has always had in Jimin's life without even realizing it. He is a awful friend. Yoongi picks up the phone again and types again Jeongguk's username in the app. The follow button is tempting, but he waits and takes another look at the latest photos. Unconsciously waiting for the boy to take the first step, as if that would change something. For him, many things change. The last pictures are almost all selcas or pictures of him reflected in the mirror showing his outfit. Yoongi usually doesn't like guys who have too many self-portraits, his own Instagram account is full of artistic photos. Now looking at Jeongguk's suddenly doesn't care about that at all. The boy knows how to look even more handsome in the photos, if that is possible. Yoongi opens the latest update. It's a kind of selca, only half face, his hand pointing to a street art sculpture on the river bank. It has been uploaded more than two weeks ago. The rest of the photos are the same, with a considerable difference in time between each upload. He looks at that particular picture. There is a hand in the other corner, Yoongi supposes Jimin's. Then he wonders how their life will be together. How they will do it every day. If they go out for coffee, if Jeongguk prepares breakfast for him in the morning. If they have hobbies in common. Yoongi moistens his lips and tries to put himself in Jimin's place. It's a strangely comforting feeling. He scrolls with his finger to read the comments, but his finger decides to press twice the screen instead of one, a red heart appearing in the middle of the photo. Yoongi's stomach shrinks. His mouth swears.
"Nothing" Yoongi hurries. He swears it's suddenly too hot.
Yoongi raises his head and tries to appear normal although nobody around him thinks that something is happening. After a deep sigh he looks at Taehyung, his friend in front of him already with his head fixed on his own phone. Taehyung wasn't going to come with him to the city at first, and Yoongi prefers to travel alone, with his music and his thoughts, but moving a whole routine requires more than two hands and two feet. Also, Taehyung can not say no to a weekend with Yoongi and Jimin again. This week has been overwhelming for Yoongi. After the two exams and a long train trip, a nice visit to his house, his family harassing him with questions about the city and the conservatory, as if what Yoongi told them on the phone was not enough. Yoongi hates to feel the minimal dependence on others. He gives a big sigh again and taps the follow button. Then closes the app, not wanting to stay longer at the crime scene. Better if Jeongguk thinks it has been a greeting like or anything less than he was stalking him. At least it is not the freaking first pic of the account. Taehyung is still focused on his phone, Yoongi believes that the right time to put on headphones and feel alone has arrived. The screen of his phone blinks, though.
Due to the low activity of the account Yoongi thinks that Jeongguk doesn't pay too much attention to Instagram, but that is not the case. His screen lights up with two notifications, an Instagram's one and a new chat. Yoongi's stomach really shrinks. His fingers can not unlock the phone at the first attempt. It may seem a bit more stupid than it is, and it is, but Yoongi almost didn't talk to Jeongguk from that weird moment on the couch. Much less after the sexual scene with Jimin that Yoongi had the excellent opportunity to listen. Yoongi opens the chat first, already knowing the follow back.
you're been late
Yoongi snorts, somehow nervous though.
didn't have the need to do it
people follow eo when they meet
i don't care how people do it
besides, you could have done it too
you liked my pic
surprise, it's how ig works
you like how i look?
that's not the real point
it's the point if i'm the one in the photo
Yoongi purses his lips. There has not been a single pause in the conversation and now that he has stopped is being noticeable, but he doesn't want to fall into a silly game of flirting, just like he was going to do. Yoongi wonders how fast Jeongguk will answer now. If he is waiting for his answer, there, looking expectantly at his phone, as when they have a conversation in real life. With big, unperturbed bright eyes waiting for him. Yoongi sighs, Taehyung looks at him and shrugs.
Yoongi sighs again, he's deflating.
you have better pics
Jeongguk takes a few more seconds to respond, and Yoongi worries during those seconds. It's a fucking lie. Jeongguk is perfect, Yoongi thinks that in all the photos he is, because his face always is, his hair, his expression, always beautifully perfect. Almost offensive. He's not going to admit it, though, although Yoongi doesn't want Jeongguk to believe that that pic is worse than others. They are those lies that although he himself wants people to know that they are not true, he will never admit them.
so you're been stalking my acc for what i see
Yoongi snorts calmly. Now he thinks that at least his slip has been worth it.
i bet you have stalking mine before
ofc i did
you almost don't have pictures of you
an ig acc full of selcas is not any better
just another typical account
then why the fuck you liked my pic
you’re bad with the front camera, huh?
this weekend we’re uploading a selca
who are we
you and me
imma do it whether you want to or not
you've been sleeping in my bed, i deserve a payback
Yoongi arches his eyebrows. Now he will not go back there to sleep, now he has his own apartment, and everything will be exciting, strange and unknown. Maybe horrible. Now at last the house will be empty when he wakes up. Although that means his kitchen doesn't going to smell like coffee in the morning. Before typing, Yoongi remembers the smell of Jeongguk's sheets for just one thousandth of a second. The day he had the chance to watch him sleep. Right away he tries to avoid it, his stomach fucking hurts.
you forgot how to read
i said no
i don't like selcas
then you better make me a song some day you artist
Yoongi rolls his eyes and looks away from the chat, as if Jeongguk could see him and understand that the conversation it's done. The sun has disappeared, so he looks out the window. Yoongi can not see the sun behind the dark clouds, but his own reflection. And a stupid smile that he didn't know he was sporting. Yoongi is grateful that Taehyung is too hooked on his game.
This time it's Jimin's chat that shows a notification on Yoongi's phone screen, he opens it with a quick gesture.
how are u doing
Yoongi realizes how little he uses the phone to chat to his friends when he sees that the last time he messaged Jimin was two days ago, when he arrived at his hometown.
good i guess
when you arrive?
An unread message from Jeongguk appears on the main screen when Yoongi closes Jimin's chat. Nice to know the boy doesn't want the conversation to die. Nice that Jeongguk does what Yoongi would not dare to do.
when you arrive???
beers tomorrow night?
boy you're missing me so bad
i arrive about 6
i guess you're picking me up again
Yoongi finds himself giving birth to the same smile as before at the corner of his lips. And it's when he realizes that his body feels a short circuit. Two completely opposite feelings entering at the same time. So opposite that Yoongi doesn't know what he really wants. What does his conscience really tell him, if he makes up what he thinks with what he would like to think. It's when he reads Jeongguk's messages.
i think jimin have to work till 6 so maybe
jimin told me you have company this time btw?
Yoongi reads the messages a couple of times and once again. Still not answering. His first impression is a slight pressure in the throat. Excited. He's not sure what that yes is answering, but, although it's unlikely, and even if it were it would be a joke, Yoongi squeezes his lips excited thinking that yes responds to the missing thing. Then for a moment Yoongi feels two completely opposite feelings coming in at once. So opposite that Yoongi doesn't know what he really wants. He now reads the conversation once again. A conversation that has started equally in two chats and that has ended in very different ways, because he has wanted it that way. The cold and apathetic conversation with Jimin and the instinctive smile that is born when he types Jeongguk's. Yoongi feels sick. He does it when he realizes that, even if it's harmless, he wouldn't show Jimin the chat with Jeongguk. Yoongi would prefer Jimin not to know that the two of them are talking right now in private.
thought jimin told you bout taehyung
"Have you followed Jeongguk?"
Yoongi looks up and meets his partner's gaze. The phone screen keeps showing the chat, Jeongguk answering.
"Instagram. I've seen you just followed Jeongguk."
"And why do you see that."
"Why not, that's what the option is for. I have been following him for a long time."
Now that it's getting dark it's harder to look inside the train. Yoongi grunts and turns his eyes towards the window, the orange landscape running fast next to the machine.
"So now you both are friends?"
He snorts and looks at his phone again, the answer of the boy present.
in fact i've talked a couple of times with him
Yoongi frowns and looks quickly at Taehyung before ending his conversation with Jeongguk. It's not uncommon for Jeongguk to meet Taehyung, in fact the strange thing is that it's Yoongi who didn't know him, who had not bothered to meet his friend's boyfriend. He looks back at Taehyung and wonders what was Jeongguk's first impression of him. If they have talked in private as well.
"What about him? These days at their house."
"Cool" Yoongi answers, still a couple of questions about Jeongguk in his mind. Taehyung is the kind of person who makes friends easily, who goes well with anyone, and right now that's tedious. He can already imagine a three-way conversation where Yoongi is the fourth one.
"And how is he in person? Handsome and all that?" Taehyung asks again.
"I mean, you watch out for those things, don’t you?."
"Shit Taehyung, I don't notice all the guys just for being gay."
"Oh no, no, I wanted to say, I mean, I pay attention myself too but maybe it's not something they ask me? And you, ugh, forget it, how unfriendly."
Yoongi rolls his eyes and fixes them again on the landscape of the window, although he can no longer concentrate on what he is seeing but on Taehyung's gaze still on him. The time would pass faster if they chat, but Yoongi doesn't want to talk about Jeongguk. It's weird. And much less about his beauty. Fuck, maybe Taehyung's question was stupid, but from the first time he saw Jeongguk he thinks about that and much more. He is an old pervert, and nobody deserves to know.
"Don't take me wrong. You know I'm more than fine with you guys being gays, I don't want you to misunderstand me at this point."
Yoongi snorts, and shakes his head to dismiss it. They don't talk very often, but Taehyung continues as usual. It was in college when Jimin confessed to Yoongi his sexuality. As if he didn't know. As if Jimin didn't know what Yoongi felt as well. He doesn't really like labels, however he needs to have his mind tidy. Even provisionally. Taehyung is playing with the phone between his fingers, Yoongi can hear certain nerves.
"You know what? I had something with Jimin during senior year."
Yoongi's eyes open in his direction, if they can, at the hasty way of his words. For a moment he doesn't know if he has really said it or just to get his attention.
"Well, it was not something, just sometimes. You know, when we were drunk and that. It's not that we fucked or something, we just made out. Like a game."
Yoongi chuckles somehow incredulous and rubs his forehead with his hand.
"That's called to be curious."
"Oh, not like that, I've never felt attracted to a man. Neither to Jimin. It was different, like overconfidence. He also kisses pretty well."
Yoongi grimaces to hide his embarrassment.
"You know, I don't care how Jimin kisses."
Taehyung laughs nervously, his cheeks blushed after the confession. Yoongi feels uncomfortable but at the same time feels some pity for Taehyung. He didn't need this confession for him to truly believe that he is okay with them being gay. Although it never hurts to know that your friends mess around behind you.
"We didn't do anything important, I swear. It's not like I liked him or anything. Although I think Jimin liked me a bit."
"Of course he liked you. That's cruel." Yoongi replies.
"Hey, I enjoyed it too. My way. It was stupid stuff, nothing painful anyway."
A short silence marks the end of the conversation. Yoongi looks undisturbed but inside he still finds it strange. Maybe Taehyung is extroverted and never rejects a plan, but he is not the type to get drunk and try new sexualities. Yoongi always thought that Jimin and Taehyung were like brothers. Like the two young twins in the family.
"I'm happy he has a boyfriend now," Taehyung says. "He deserves the best."
Yoongi taps the play button and the song starts buzzing in his ears. The sky is beautiful. It's almost night, that moment when the sun is gone but the sky still has light. Velvety light, in blue and purple tones. It's the best time of the day. Aesthetically. It's great to be able to enjoy these things alone, into his thoughts with such a spectacular view, even if he's surrounded by people. If you feel alone in the world it's not necessary that there is no one around you to enjoy it. Yoongi takes a long drag on his cigarette and takes out the phone. Only one photo with the light and color adjustment necessary for the moment to be reflected even more incredible on the screen. Then Yoongi opens the Instagram app. As a reflex, goes down the timeline a little to check that Jeongguk has not posted anything, and then select the photo that will appear in his stories. It's so perfect he doesn't need to add any filter. It's seen the avenue long, full of cars and people going back and forth from their works, and the faded velvet sky behind the buildings. Yoongi feels so stupidly proud of himself that he tightens his lips in an even more stupid smile. The gesture lasts little. The sky is beautiful, the moment is magical, the hustle and bustle of the people silenced by the music that plays on his headphones, he all alone loving his well-deserved rest. And even so, as if it were part of his nature, the first thing he thinks about is posting a snapshot so that everyone can see how much he cares about not being cared by anyone. It's ironic. And ridiculous. Yoongi sighs and decides to put the phone in his pocket again, giving himself a lesson in modern social ethics.
The cigarette is consuming and he has barely tasted it. Yoongi takes another drag and grimaces in disgust. Smoke tastes bad. Smells bad. All his clothes and his hair now contaminated by smoke. He would always love to smell like something soft, but intense, like coffee. Like Jeongguk. If he were here with Yoongi he would not feel the need to smoke, because he wouldn't want to spoil the moment. Annoyed, before trying to take another drag Yoongi throws the cigarette to the ground and steps on it with the sole of his sneaker. If Jeongguk were here with him now his fingers would not smell like ash.
The cold accentuates and he has to shrink the body to avoid shivering. He has been waiting more than twenty minutes on the corner of his street, when it opens onto the avenue. His loft oppresses him. At least now that he knows that his goal is not to lie down, but to wait for them to arrive. And even more so with Taehyung messing around. Jimin called him about an hour ago to confirm that they were going to leave their apartment. Yoongi gives a big sigh and again puts his hands in the big pockets of his coat. He had never felt so restless waiting for a visit. Yesterday they barely were together, Jeongguk appeared with Jimin at the train station to pick them up, and the four of them had a quick dinner at a cheap restaurant there. As soon as they looked at each other or had time to talk, Yoongi spent most of the time trying to find out what kind of relationship Jeongguk and Taehyung share, although it was nothing different from a conventional presentation. With some prior knowledge maybe. However he didn't talk to the boy, now even more uncomfortable after having done it for chat, but Yoongi believes that this is better. If in real life they don't have so much contact, it's not a problem, not after what each day passes through his mind. He still feels stupid every time he thinks that for a moment he thought he had a crush on his friend's boyfriend.
The song ends and his friends appear around the corner. They carry bags; snacks and drinks, an informal gathering of friends that Yoongi has not had in a long time. A nervous sigh and he puts the earphones in his coat pocket.
The dinner at the end is Chinese food. They ask for a large amount of food and even without hunger everything from the dishes is finished. The place is nice when the light is low, when the atmosphere is warm. In spite of the cold gray walls, the orange flash of the lit lamps is reflected. Yoongi leans back on the couch and entrelaces his fingers over his belly, the others immersed in a conversation that has started a long time ago and from which Yoongi has disconnected even longer time ago. He is sitting next to Taehyung on the couch, Jimin and Jeongguk in front of them, in two small poufs, separated. Yoongi wouldn't be the type to act as a couple all the time with his boyfriend, but still seeing them sitting there instead of on the couch catches his attention. He's not the type to have a boyfriend anyway.
Jeongguk looks up and meets his eyes. Yoongi is too comfortable to look away. The boy smiles at him and offers him another beer. Yoongi recognizes the blush of his cheeks, he looks cute. His eyes are a bit watery because of the drink, but he can not deny that that makes them even more beautiful. Appealing. Yoongi returns the smile and accepts the beer. Now Jimin and Taehyung are at the hype moment of the conversation and neither wants to interrupt them. As two twins they laugh at their own jokes and tell the anecdotes at the same time. Jeongguk joins the conversation quickly, but Yoongi doesn't even try. Now his mind is resting in a place between the numbness of alcohol and the flushed cheeks of Jeongguk. From that position he can observe him perfectly and nobody notices it. Because Yoongi doesn't have to be doing it. Although it's cold Jeongguk's shirt is short sleeved, so baggy that through the neckline Yoongi can see a little of the honey skin of his chest. And appreciate the mole that paints his neck. Yoongi sips his beer and confesses to himself that while he is drunk he will never be able to stop thinking about Jeongguk's body. Much less if he's real and is in front of him.
He gives a big sigh and feels his lungs floating in his chest. The atmosphere is a little charged even though they are only four in the room, even so that is enough as an excuse to go outside to smoke. The remembering of Taehyung and Jimin is giving him a headache.
As soon as he walks out the door he feels the freezing cold that awaits on the street. Yoongi goes down the stairs and shrink his body ready to go out. He doesn't wear a coat right now, just a green tight-fitting sweater. He was there to smoke, he doesn't get the pack of cigarettes though, still trying to trick himself and think that he's not there outside just for this beautiful annoyance.
Cars go across the avenue though it's quite late. Once outside his building everything is silent, no trace of the laughter of the boys, no scandalous conversation. Despite the cold Yoongi thanks it. His stomach shrinks when he hears footsteps down the stairs. First, a neighbor with his girlfriend, clearly dressed to some party. They leave. Then, Jeongguk.
"Something like that."
For a moment Yoongi feels that he has left his body to be able to look at himself while he responds, and he has looked ridiculous. With a sigh he takes his own reins again. This is not a children's game, they are both grown men. And their relationship is as normal as anyone's. Yoongi looks him up and down because Jeongguk is still in short sleeves.
"What are you? Don't you feel the cold? It's almost fucking November."
The boy grins and rubs his hands.
"I can stand such a weather."
"Alien" Yoongi prefers. Every time they speak, mist comes out of their mouths.
They spend a moment in silence, while a couple of cars crossing the road as if stabbing the asphalt. Beginning to notice the lack of degrees Jeongguk puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans and tenses. Yoongi looks at him leaning against the wall, his green sweater not doing much more than the thin shirt of Jeongguk but coming out victorious.
"Taehyung is great. He feels like he's my old friend," says Jeongguk suddenly.
Yoongi hums and nods. He still doesn't know too well why Taehyung and him are even friends if they barely have things in common. He assumes that this is how gangs work. Find what you lack in the personalities of others.
"Yeah. He's a very loving person."
"Right? He seems to get along very well with Jimin. He even gave me a hug when he saw me just for being his boyfriend, and I don't really know him at all."
"I was pretty in front of you" Yoongi answers, his eyes lost in the lights of the traffic lights in front of him.
Jeongguk speaks faster than normal, the ease of alcohol showed in a cute way.
"I mean, you just have to look at him to know he's a good guy. He seems a bit weirdo but it's great, I've never met someone like that."
Yoongi grunts and looks away, to where Jeongguk can not look. Not that it bothers him that Jeongguk talks about Taehyung, or that he needs Jeongguk not to pay too much attention to the new boy. Not that keeps hammering his head the question of what kind of relationship they would have before meeting each other in person. Yoongi rubs his eyes with one hand and remembers that Jimin exists and that this whole plate of stupid emotions makes no sense. Jeongguk is still rambling about Taehyung when he asks.
"What did you think the first time you met me?"
Yoongi would appreciate a drink of his beer now actually, or something stronger, but for a moment doesn't worry too much. Jimin exists, he thinks twice.
"Well, you didn't give me a hug, that changes the situations."
Yoongi turns and makes a gesture to look at Jeongguk.
"I don't go out there hugging people, but that's not the point. What did you think?" Yoongi insists.
"Don't you like to be hugged? Is that why you tense when I touch you?"
Yoongi snorts and shakes his head, he notices how Jeongguk tries to guide the subject by the path that interests him most, or by the one that least cares to walk. It's not hugs, it's just Jeongguk.
"There are people who have a harder time having physical contact," Yoongi chooses.
Jeongguk wet his lips and tilts his head a bit as he looks at him, thinking of something he does not know how to say.
"But, you know, even cats let be caressed if you do it delicately."
Yoongi inhales and returns his gaze to the comfort of the street lights. He doesn't know how to think of Jeongguk. He never fully gets him.
"My question?" Yoongi insists.
Jeongguk sighs a smile of surrender and looks at the dark sky, hands in his pockets, Yoongi bets that his arms are completely frozen and even then he doesn't goes back for a jacket. He lets him think, because he definitely wants to hear his answer. Jeongguk shrugs.
"I don't really know, I couldn't know how you were. You seemed not so nice but Jimin told me that you were so I just waited."
Yoongi hums half satisfied half disappointed by waiting for a better answer than that. That the boy next to him is trembling makes him nervous, his nose begins to redden in the darkness. Or worse, he can feel the skin on his arms bristling, from bottom to top, how the white short-sleeved T-shirt reveals the curve of his chest and his hardening nipples despite being baggy. Yoongi tightens his lips and keeps his gaze to the front, physical and mental protection.
"You still think that?"
Jeongguk looks at Yoongi with a quick movement and denies.
"I like how you are, honestly. Like I feel that you understand me? Actually I'd like to know you better." He lets out a smile in a gasp that turns to mist. His nose now completely red from the cold, his cheeks from alcohol, his eyes from shame. "But you don't let me."
Yoongi gives a big sigh and hides a smile of satisfaction that even he himself doesn't know why he is there.
"You should not trust people so fast."
"I don't trust people, I trust you."
Jeongguk thinks he's saying all this because he's drunk, but it's still true. And it's not even a little of what he really means. He knows that something special exists. Maybe not unique, but enough to want to treasure it. The boy rubs his nose and then his hands, his thermal resistance weakening as the seconds pass, even more so seeing Yoongi in the apparent comfort of his sweater.
"I mean, if Jimin does it, I want to do it too. I don't want to be Jeongguk, Jimin's boyfriend; I want to be Jeongguk, capital letters and period."
Yoongi looks at him with mocking eyes and bites his lips to not laugh too much, the alcohol facilitating stupid situations. Jeongguk is still shivering, Yoongi realizes that although he was on the verge of suffering from hypothermia he would not say it. Resigned by his stubbornness Yoongi clicks his tongue and puts a hand on his shoulder that begins to lightly rub the skin there in an attempt to warm him up.
"Now you. What did you think of me?" Jeongguk asks.
Yoongi arches a mocking eyebrow. That is an answer, along with a couple more, that he will never be able to confess, and it's even ironic that is Jeongguk who asks.
"That Jimin and you were an awful match."
Jeongguk lets out a laugh in the mist and leans down to laugh properly and be able to warm himself. Yoongi thinks that everything he does is cute. Too much. Yoongi purses his lips and notices after the seconds pass that he can not stop looking at Jeongguk. That the way he talks, the way he moves is too appealing. As if he were a piece of art, ready to be exposed, but much warmer. Yoongi shows a weak sad smile as he watches Jeongguk's teeth breaking the serenity of his lips. A smile too beautiful to be able to stand it.
"You said you did not want to hurt him, right?"
Jeongguk's smile disappears, he presses the corner of his mouth. If his face was not flushed by the low temperature and alcohol Yoongi could say that he had never seen him so serious before.
Yoongi looks at him for a long time after he answers. His hand still on Jeongguk's shoulder, lingering rubs over the skin covered by just the thin white short-sleeved T-shirt. He feels contemptible asking that. Making sure, because of his sudden weakness, that Jimin exists, that all this is a passing fantasy. But the human inside is rotten, the only thing he can do is not act in a bad way.
"What I thought when I saw you was that you were the typical heart-throb asshole."
Yoongi would like that to be true now. Jeongguk's expression changes again, loosening that which had tensed, now he can hold his laughter although he doesn't know whether to take that confession right or wrong. Now he shivers with cold and nerves. Yoongi's warm hand on his shoulder is insufficient for his incoming hypothermia. Jeongguk gets a bit closer.
"Hope that has changed."
Yoongi is mad at himself. He can see the reflection of the street lights in Jeongguk's porcelain skin, and tell himself that nothing of he feels, whatever it's called, is going to disappear. Then nods. Jeongguk writhes.
"I know you don't like it but can you give me a fucking hug once and for all."
"You’re cold as fuck, right?"
Jeongguk smiles as much as he can.
"For my friendliness?"
A horribly freezing breeze comes to Yoongi's bones, and just imagine the cold that has to be feeling Jeongguk hurts and makes him think that the boy is more than stupid. Yoongi clicks his tongue and before turning a little his face he makes a gesture for Jeongguk to approach. Yoongi can not see Jeongguk's playful smile but he imagines it. When the boy surrounds his neck Yoongi tenses up, thinking that he would be the one to put his arms on Jeongguk's shoulders and warm him in some way. He however doesn't dare to touch his body. Jeongguk tightens until Yoongi complains.
"Besides, you're small and cuddly."
"Fuck off!" Yoongi tries to grunt even though he's muffled against Jeongguk's shoulder.
The boy laughs and squeezes even more, Yoongi squirming into his arms without any success, and when Jeongguk's laughter ceases, he stops fighting. And after exhaling one more time and a mental defense against the remorse that tries to return to his head, Yoongi gets closer and surrounds the waist of Jeongguk with his arm. The boy sighs satisfied.
It only takes a few seconds for Yoongi to feel the warmth returning to Jeongguk's body. Like two naked bodies, the lack of layers allows body heat to be transferred quickly. But this is weird. They may be drunk, Jeongguk may want to be closer to Yoongi, but he is not hugging his friends' boyfriends just for the sake of it. Less if the fucking boyfriend of that fucking friend is the person that Yoongi has a crush on. Especially less if the fucking boyfriend of that fucking friend wears only a thin, short-sleeved T-shirt through which Yoongi can feel the whole fucking shape of his body against his, the curve of his firm chest, the small of his back under his hand. Jeongguk doesn't understand. Yoongi closes his eyes and tries to breathe as calmly as possible, the silence becoming more numbing than uncomfortable, shakes his head slightly and shrugs his stomach as he caresses with his nose half unwittingly half desiring it the thin skin of Jeongguk's neck. The boy whimper quietly over his own neck, and Yoongi bites his lower lip too hard because Jeongguk is not stupid and will notice the bulge that has begun to grow under his pants. For him it might be funny, but Yoongi can not take it anymore.
"Okay, that's enough," Yoongi tries to smile, breaking apart a little to be able to look at his face. "Let's go inside now."
Jeongguk also smiles, weak, by way of affirmation. And then, nothing. None of them moves, not even to breathe. Not even to look away. Suddenly, Yoongi feels his lips tremble, he knows that something is obviously not right. Jeongguk shivers and although he doesn't move he comes closer, his chest still stuck to Yoongi's. He looks down for a second to Jeongguk's lips and regrets not being able to raise the eyes again. Too tempting. And that the boy doesn't act does not get the situation any better. Yoongi wants to ask him what he intends. What Yoongi wants most at this moment is to ask him why is he doing all this. Why he doesn't stop him. Yoongi has to tighten his chest so that Jeongguk doesn't hear his breathing is shaking, they two like two stupid ones facing each other senselessly. For Yoongi it makes a lot of sense though. Jeongguk is the fucking sense. Jeongguk is the fucking trigger. Jimin exists, but that doesn't excuse the boy being in front of him forcing him to go crazy. The skin of Jeongguk bristles because of the cold and the proximity, Yoongi's imitates it. Jeongguk parts his lips and Yoongi looks him in the eyes, he can not stand to see this naked picture. But Jeongguk has told him that he's not going to hurt Jimin, and Yoongi trusts him. He is trying. Although now they find themselves in a way that Yoongi will never be able to explain why. He has to end this.
Yoongi inhales and with a smile makes a gesture with his head so that they enter the loft. And Jeongguk nods obediently. Maybe he does understand. Or that is what Yoongi wants to believe. From the inside of the building the voices of the other two continue. Unaware.
The next day has forty-eight hours for Yoongi. He spends it in bed. Normally there is nothing better than spending time in lying around, but not when one thought wears out so much that even the bed is not enough. Yoongi feels he doesn't belong anywhere. Right now he feels like a fucking child. The last day of Taehyung in the city and he has not left his loft. Taehyung did, of course, his three friends have been out all day, sightseeing, good restaurants, a walk at the riverbank, Yoongi believes all that shit. He excused himself saying he was not feeling well. He doesn't know if they believed it or they just let him be, as always, but now it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that he's finally alone, although it may not be the best.
Now he can only remember the night before, even if it's just what he doesn't want. Yoongi has already taken two showers. He likes the bathroom of his new apartment, not too big but spacious, not too minimalist but modern. The shower is large, and the glass wall that separates the shower from the rest of the room it's great to rest his head without any fineness and wish it to be crushed. He has been lying in bed for two hours since the last shower and is already thinking that maybe another one would be a good idea. As if the bad thoughts could be cleaned just with soap and water.
Yoongi takes as much air as he can when thinking of Jeongguk. Last night when they two came back with Jimin and Taehyung they didn't speak to each other anymore. Not because neither wanted. Not because Yoongi refused to look at Jeongguk, but because the boy didn't get a centimetre away of Jimin. Of his lap, more accurately. When the two of them returned to the apartment, Jimin had occupied Yoongi's old place on the couch next to Taehyung, and Jeongguk didn't think twice and sat on him. Yoongi turns on the bed and clicks his tongue, the thought gives him chills and he doesn't like to recognize it. Yoongi was again the stupid fourth one that looked at them from afar, this time not to the conversation, only to Jeongguk. Because the boy gave him reasons to do it. The stupid fourth one watching from that stupid pouf on the floor how Jeongguk kept caressing Jimin while he talked to Taehyung, just making the situation uncomfortable.
Yoongi doesn't know how to handle the situation. At that time Jeongguk was in control, and both knew it. His cheeks flushed against Jimin's neck, who barely perturbed, immersed in the conversation with Taehyung. His hand in Jeongguk's ass, though. As if they didn't have more space. Jeongguk stroking his hair and leaving small kisses behind Jimin's ear. As if they were alone in the room. And Yoongi like a stupid watching him from that stupid pouf on the floor. Yoongi is going to burn that pouf. Yoongi gets it. Jimin tells everyone that he owns Jeongguk. That he exists, that that pretty face wakes up with him every morning. Yoongi huffs and rubs his eyes violently. Jeongguk was just intending to tell him that Jimin is the only one who can fuck him. An ironic laugh sounds between the cold gray walls of the loft. Yoongi swallows a bitter taste and remorse. He perfectly recognizes the feeling that hurts him. He's fucking jealous. It's not Jimin who is stealing anything, it's not anyone who is profaning his treasure. Nothing belongs to him. Jeongguk doesn't belong to him in the least. Fuck Jeongguk. Angels like to keep control. He only comes to him; Jeongguk, pure innocence, and leaves him alone with his sins.
Now his friends will be drinking coffee in a coffee shop near the train station. They always laughing, Jeongguk makes everyone around him smile. Yoongi covers his face with his hands and wants to disappear. He shouldn't have noticed him, not from the first moment. He shouldn't have looked at him, he shouldn't have thought anything subjective about him because Jimin exists. Jeongguk is something stupid. It's like asking for the impossible. It's to love the moon.
Yoongi's hands are wet from his own breathing. He wants Jeongguk to disappear from his mind. Jeongguk's body, the relationship they have, all the shit that has happened and that has no explanation. His fucking temptation. But that doesn't work like that. Yoongi lose the interest when he forgets or feels disappointed. The previous night Jeongguk acting was awful, and even so he didn't disappoint him. Yoongi hated how he was doing it, he hated his face, he hated him being on top of Jimin, and yet he just wanted to get up from that ridiculous pouf, grab him by the wrist and force him to finish what he started at the street door. Yoongi only wishes Jeongguk didn't have to be his friend, so he could hate him and hurt him. He never claimed to be a saint.
Tears fall down to his chin and then fall to his black jeans. Some of them stay halfway between his cheek and his jaw and tickles him, but Yoongi doesn't wipe them, he feels he should look beautiful. At least Jeongguk would. He never cries, this moment is special, and even though it's the biggest shit in the world, he still pretends to look good. What an irony, but he is now on the street, and no matter how much anger he feels inside, he can not kick the shit out and convince himself that he doesn't care what people think. They are tears of rage, not grief though. Yoongi turns to a street and faces one of the main avenues, bites his lips and goes into the park. At least the place is inspiring for his tears. It's early morning, the river bank is only full of old people walking or people doing sports, empty playgrounds. Yoongi approaches one of them and sits on the red steel swing, without complain when he feels instantly that his ass freezes at the contact. He doesn't really know what to do. He doesn't know whether to call his parents, he doesn't know whether to tell anyone. He will have to do it someday, but now it's ridiculous and it hurts too much. He just doesn't feel like holding a phone call from his hometown.
It's been three days since the weekend. He has barely done more than eat, shower and sleep, the last day Yoongi took a walk around his neighborhood to get used to the new landscape and the key points of purchase. That has been everything. Only one day to get used to a new life. As if Yoongi knew that in reality that would not be his future. This Wednesday morning Yoongi had the exams results and registration for the year at the music conservatory. Yoongi takes a breath and his lungs hurt, remorse, because he's to blame and he knows it. They have not accepted him. His exams are not bad, technically, what teachers say is that Yoongi's music lacks depth. Intensity. Yoongi takes a breath and throws it in a sarcastic laugh. They have told him that his music is meaningless music. This is not a university registration, here the money doesn't buy a place. Not Yoongi's at least. The classes are limited, and it seems that fifteen people have managed to get in with their damn sentimental music. Yoongi shrinks, it's cold. He doesn't want to talk to anyone but what he needs most at this moment is company. A warm one. Yoongi takes the phone out of his pocket.
The first attempt falls on Jimin's contact. He shouldn't be doing anything now, maybe at home yet, having breakfast. Yoongi thinks for a second what Jeongguk will be doing. If he will be on one of his morning walks or will be with Jimin. Even if it's selfish now he would like to see Jeongguk. He wouldn't try to encourage him with hopeful words like Jimin, he wouldn't try to help him because Yoongi doesn't really want to be helped. He wants someone to listen to his words of hatred towards the world and his life. He sighs another sarcastic laugh. They haven't talked from that moment. Maybe Jeongguk now regrets what he did or tried to do. Maybe for Jeongguk it was nothing and he doesn't even remember. Yoongi squeezes the phone with his fingers and feels that the touch screen is going to crack. It's not necessary that Jeongguk say anything. All he needs is a warm company that makes him forget that right now he's feeling like shit.
He unlocks the phone and opens Jeongguk's chat. There are no messages because Yoongi has deleted them all. He takes a chance again.
are you alone rn
The minute that passes unanswered for Yoongi lasts more than an eternity. And when Jeongguk does he repents right away.
can you talk
Yoongi sighs for what he has already done and doesn't want to think about anything else. In his mind everything seems easier than it is, even if it's typing a few words. The one who said that via chat can not be shown the humanity of the speaker is a complete liar.
want to see you
Yoongi bites his lip and blocks the phone as if that protected him from what he has already said. It's stupid, he sitting in the middle of the playground with cold cheeks of having cried and now embarrassed by a message that he has decided to send. Jeongguk answers instantly, but Yoongi allows himself a few seconds of preparation before reading it.
where are you
Yoongi doesn't answer. He stares at the screen feeling that his heart is sending more blood to his body than usual. It's when the phone starts to vibrate with the boy's name on the screen that Yoongi reacts. He hangs up the call and opens wide his eyes. Right now he doesn't feel able to talk on the phone with Jeongguk. He is scared.
you okay? where are you
on a swing
you'll have to give me more details
at the river
Yoongi wants to roll his eyes at his own response. In the end, he decides to send him the exact location. He doesn't know what Jeongguk is doing, whether he is busy or accompanied, but the boy responds by telling him not to move from the place because he will arrive right away. Deep down Yoongi feels bad. Selfish. And even deeper his heart wants to explode with excitement.
It's actually twenty-two minutes, but all day long for Yoongi the time that Jeongguk takes to appear. While waiting for him he doesn't stop thinking about whether he has done well, if he should face these problems as an grown man and call Jimin, talk to his friends, let him go, find a temporary solution. Not this. Not wait while sitting on the red steel swing of a playground to have his friend's boyfriend come to satisfy his selfish desires. Jeongguk is not to blame for anything. Much less Jimin.
When Yoongi sees him appear on the path between some trees, next to the railing that separates the asphalt from the water, suddenly his nerves don't know a reason. For a moment he doesn't feel concern but a childish excitement that he tries to bury by biting his lip until they bleed. Yoongi gives a sigh and looks down, although he knows that Jeongguk has seen him, although he knows that Jeongguk knows he has seen him. The boy approaches without expression in his face, slow steps towards the swing, neither he knows how to start nor Yoongi really knows what to do. Now his mind is chaos. During the two minutes it takes for Jeongguk to completely get close to where he is sitting, many things go through his mind, for his body many emotions, and finally, when he can see between his bangs Jeongguk's shabby sneakers. Yoongi organizes his feelings and he can check that everything tastes like shit.
Jeongguk waits in silence, with his hands tucked into the pockets of his denim jacket, Yoongi without making any noise. He would have thought it a ridiculous situation if he had been with any other person. Yoongi inhales and lets out the air in a resigned laugh. Jeongguk accompanies him and comes a bit closer, until Yoongi raises his head a little, at least to be able to verify that another saline drop has come out from between his eyelashes. It's hellish cold Jeongguk squirms under his jacket. Yoongi opens his mouth to speak and fills his lungs with air one more time.
"I have not been accepted."
Jeongguk arches his eyebrows. Yoongi has said it in a high pitched voice, broken by enduring tears that only he thinks are ridiculous. He understands it perfectly. It's not just losing the place in a good music center. It's a whole base. The rent, the move, the nonexistent alternative study options. A whole year of preparation and illusions. A dream. Jeongguk doesn't know what to say, nor if that is what Yoongi wants. He only approaches when he notices how Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut before bursting into tears of shame, and without permission surrounds Yoongi's neck with his arms, pressing his head against his chest. Yoongi doesn't complain. Yoongi lets out the quietest crying on Jeongguk's sweater. He doesn't even know anymore why he cries. Jeongguk smells too good. Jeongguk smells like home, the only thing that he can feel like home in that city, and it's not his. Yoongi clenches his teeth and wraps his arms around Jeongguk's waist to draw him even closer to him. It's selfish that he needs Jeongguk now above all things, but Yoongi is already tired of fighting against himself. Fuck off everything, fuck off his principles. That Jeongguk consoles him in this way is what he needs above all things. Yoongi sniffs and tries to calm down, his cheeks pressed against the curve of Jeongguk's chest. Jeongguk's breathing is not calm. Yoongi would like to be able to calm down with his steady breathing, as when he was sleeping, but the beating of his heart now hits as hard as his own.
Yoongi looks up and Jeongguk is gazing at him. And his chest hurts. Now, however, it is not a reassuring gaze. It's not a gaze of understanding, but of pain. Jeongguk part his lips and inhales in a broken way, as if he was about to cry as well. Yoongi wants it. Yoongi wants to see him with his eyes full of tears. At any moment he could do it, because Jeongguk is incredibly nervous. Yoongi digs his fingers into his waist. Jeongguk cups Yoongi's face with both hands.
Yoongi blames himself. He is responsible for his own acts. And of those that he doesn't avoid. Yoongi blames himself but it's too late, and it feels too good to put an end.
Jeongguk bites his lip and before either of them can say anything, if they were going to say anything, he strokes his nose with Yoongi's and kisses him when they both close their eyes. Both waiting for it. Yoongi doesn't question it at that moment, he just lets himself being carried away, right now it's just what he needs most. The softness of Jeongguk's lips, his slow movements, his doubtful tongue that fears to spoil the intentions. When Yoongi thought about what it would be like to kiss Jeongguk he imagined a sweet breakfast. Coffee, cinnamon, vanilla. Yoongi breaks apart to little just for breathing, and this time he holds Jeongguk's waist harder to stick him completely to his body. Yoongi was right. Jeongguk's mouth is way too gentle. Jeongguk whimpers and clings more to him, leaving aside the concern he slides his tongue inside and the feeling becomes even warmer, as if their mouths were made for each other. Yoongi chokes a moan as their tongues roll slowly against each other, even if it's a languid pace his head begins to cloud, his body feels too soft, the smell of Jeongguk floods him, the softness of his mouth now warm on the touch. They kiss deeply, as if the contact were familiar, Jeongguk's shy fingers running from Yoongi's cheeks, his throat, until he reaches the back of his neck. Yoongi feels like he's out of breath. He bites Jeongguk's lower lip and moves away in the slightest to be able to breathe and clear his mind, his eyes still closed by the feeling of dizziness. Jeongguk tries to take the air in the slowest way possible, but he can not. When Yoongi looks at him the boy continues with his eyes closed, pressing his lips to keep them from trembling. It's a beautiful sight, Yoongi would never tire of seeing him this way. His cheeks flushed, his lips in a deep shade of red by the kiss. Jeongguk lowers his hands and takes Yoongi's to guide them to his chest, silently, without even opening his eyes. He wants Yoongi to feel his heart. It's hitting so hard that simply talking would hurt for Jeongguk right now. His legs are shaking. Yoongi inhales frozen air and his lungs and head return to sanity.
Yoongi pushes Jeongguk off his front and gets up quickly, his thighs creaking frozen but he can not complain. Suddenly he feels he doesn't have air.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he yells, bothered and scared at the same time.
Jeongguk remains static on his site, holding his own hands and biting his lip with a startled expression that makes him look like a child. Yoongi only manages to look at him for a few seconds, but it hurts to think that he might be scared of him instead of because of the situation. Yoongi puts his hands against his head and grabs the strands of hair that fall down his forehead. He would like to cry now as he has done before, but he can not.
"Fuck, I'm a fucking- asshole."
Jeongguk doesn't say anything and that worries him even more. For a moment, he looks around, in case Jimin is looking, just in case all this is a hidden camera. Yoongi knows that it's not. Yoongi knows that what he has said is completely true. He clenches his teeth to stop swearing and pulls the phone out of his pocket, movements clumsy with nerves and the cold he feels right now. Yoongi puts the phone in his ear. Before the first beep sounds, Jeongguk opens his wide eyes and pulls his arm to hang up the call.
"Are you fucking insane?!"
"Kook, please, give me the phone."
"You think you're an asshole for what happened and the first thing you come up with is to call Jimin? Don't need you to answer, you are fucking insane."
Jeongguk keeps the device in the inside pocket of his denim jacket and moves away as if he were carrying a treasure, an old couple passes by him and look at them with bewilderment at the sudden loud voices. Yoongi looks at the ground and gives a calm sigh trying to calm down, although it does not help.
"Kook, give me the damn phone. It's not what it seems, I just want to talk to him."
"No, I won't, you wanna ruin my life?"
Yoongi laughs ironically, although it's more an annoyance than any speck of laughter.
"It's you who have a boyfriend and going kissing people around."
Jeongguk's expression becomes cold. Quietly he looks at Yoongi, the mist coming out of his mouth as he breathes frantically in anger. Jeongguk shakes his head steady. Disappointed.
"I'm not kissing people out there. That just was you. And if I did it was because I thought you felt the same." He presses his lips and turns around with intention to leave the place. Not even when he hears Yoongi's footsteps approaching his back does he stop. "Yeah, you're a fucking asshole."
"Wait," Yoongi approaches and puts his hand on his shoulder, inviting him to turn around. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Just, give me the phone, I feel very guilty right now and I want to see Jimin. I don't mean to tell him anything, I'm not so honest, I wish I was."
This time Yoongi's sigh has a more sincere sound, and Jeongguk stops his steps.
"I kissed his boyfriend and I shouldn't have done it," he continues. "I just want to talk to him, meet him, to at least face him now, because if I wait another second I swear I'd never be able to look him in the face. I'm not gonna tell him anything about this, I promise."
Jeongguk nods, looking at his shabby sneakers. He is also scared of himself. With a bitter sigh the boy gives him the phone. Yoongi tries to appear as calm as possible, although inside he is paralyzed with fear.
"Neither of us wanted to hurt Jimin, and that can still be fixed."
"I've seen jerks with better faces. And believe me, at McDonald's in the late night, only the big jerks enter."
Jimin tries to smile with his own comment but none of the other two follows him. He sighs and orders three more beers. It's time to have lunch and the only thing they have ingested has been alcohol. Jimin supports the situation even though at night he has to work, his friend is feeling bad and he doesn't want him to sink into the shit alone. Jeongguk has not yet looked up from his fingers playing with the hem of his sweater.
"And what's wrong with you now?" Jimin sighs.
"Empathy," Jeongguk answers.
Jimin puts his hand on Jeongguk's knee and pats him. Maybe it's not the empathy he thinks, but after all the two feel the same inside. A terrible guilt. Jeongguk chews the inside of his cheek and thinks that, at least, if he didn't feel guilty he would be a real demon. Repent is wise. If all this has any wisdom.
Yoongi has not spoken in all the time that they have been sitting there, just a quick summary on the phone about why he wanted to see Jimin. He doesn't want to go into details now, music without talent, without depth. Future plans. Now all that seems more tedious than painful. Now he has a compelling reason to be hurt and stings even more. Yoongi looks up a little and meets Jeongguk's gaze. The boy has eyes so bright that he does not know if he is excited or about to cry.
"And where have you met?"
Jeongguk postponed breakfast with Jimin for a sudden and refreshing morning walk. It's the poorest excuse he has been able to invent. If he had thought better, he would have simply put on a sports outfit and said he would go running. Jeongguk coughs.
"On the river bank."
"In a playground," Yoongi adds. His voice broken for the lack of use.
"So far did you go for a walk?"
The waiter brings his three bottles of beer and Jeongguk coughs again uncomfortably. Now he doesn't feel with the ability to lie.
"I don't feel good," he says.
Jimin looks at him worried, because his face is really not the best.
"Mind if I go home?"
Yoongi shakes his head and grabs one of the beers. He is not well either, he feels horrible now, but he knows that the best thing is confront a little and face a situation that they are going to have to repeat more than once. Jimin touches Jeongguk's forehead in an attempt to check if he is sick. Jeongguk pushes his hand away and smiles, making sure his discomfort is not physical. Jimin nods unconvinced. Yoongi leaves his beer in half on the table and grabs Jeongguk's. He has frozen hands. They both watch Jeongguk approach the door and leave them alone.
The color of his apartment reminds him of those days in his hometown almost decades ago, when the storm was so strong that the electric system of the neighborhood didn't work and they had to spend the afternoon with candles. Deaf light entering through the window. The little illumination of the sun between the gray opaque clouds. Now there is not exactly a storm, just a very strong and dense rain, and it has the same effect. The dark and hot room.
Days have passed. Yoongi doesn't know exactly how many because right now he's not living properly. Days since he was denied access to the conservatory. Days without contacting his parents because that means giving explanations and finding a solution. Apathy. Everything sounds too tedious. Time has not stopped. And although it continues, although they say that time heals everything, he can not bear the guilt. Every time Jimin talks to him, every time Yoongi has to answer with an emoticon as if nothing happened.
Yoongi gives a big sigh and raises his arm to look for a cigarette in one of the two packs of the nightstand. Both are empty. It's been too long since he went out of home. He hears the walls creak though the apartment is new. He hears himself creaking. The chest full of air and remorse. Yoongi clenches his teeth and thinks about Jeongguk. At least he doesn't have to face Jimin every day as him. He does not have to contain the sin every day after his tongue.
Footsteps sound going up the stairs of the building. Yoongi curses the paper walls of that place. The steps are heard more and more clearly, closer, until stopping before his door. He's surprised when someone knocks on the door though. It's not necessary for him to look through the peephole to feel that it's Jeongguk. With his hair and coat wet from the rain. Yoongi doesn't open, he just sighs again, trying to get Jeongguk to hear him.
Jeongguk looks up, from the other side of the door, as if he had been caught stealing. Yoongi's eyes sting.
"No, we have to talk."
"Go away, please," Yoongi insists.
"I'm not moving from here."
"I'm not going to open the door."
"I can sleep on the doormat."
"Don't be stupid."
Now he closes his eyes and rests his forehead on the door. It's a piece of compact wood, but it feels warm now that Jeongguk is on the other side expectantly. A door of the first floor opens; someone is leaving house. Yoongi clicks his tongue annoyed, sure his neighbors are enjoying this meaningless conversation. At last he deflates the tension in his chest, he exhales hard and unlocks the door. Jeongguk place his bangs with a quick nod, getting ready. Yoongi is scared.
And he is because, as much as he hates it, he can not avoid that thought. Jeongguk is too beautiful. The boy enters looking at the floor, with his clothes wet from walking in the rain without an umbrella, maybe just taking refuge on the external roofs of the buildings. His face blushed by the cold. Yoongi thinks that right away he'll get warm and that calms him down. Yoongi thinks that Jimin must believe that Jeongguk is somewhere else and that hurts in his lungs. The door closes behind him.
"Jeongguk, listen," Yoongi starts before the other says anything, "just, don't make it harder. Shit, understand that I don't want to see you anymore."
Jeongguk makes no move. He didn't expect the conversation to be pleasant, but at least he is being brave and is looking at him in the face, not like Yoongi. He swallows hard and suddenly feels very nervous.
"But I do want to see you."
"Fuck, Jeongguk, can you think for a moment that you have a boyfriend? My fucking friend to be exact?"
Yoongi says it with his eyes open, expression of disbelief despite being the one who is asking. He can not stand this, the pressure of lying on people he loves. Jeongguk squeezes his fingers. He knows he is doing wrong, but he is tired of waiting.
"If you didn't want then why did you kiss me back in the first place?"
"I didn't," Yoongi hurries.
Jeongguk snorts ironically, the hem of his coat wetting the parquet flooring drop by drop.
"Yes, you did."
"Don't- twist the fucking things," Yoongi chews. The sentence starts higher than it should, so he corrects himself before scaring Jeongguk. "I was just fucked up."
Jeongguk denies sarcastic, he is trembling from cold or nerves.
"You did," he repeats, "You grabbed me by the waist, you attracted me to you, you fucking kissed me back 'cos you fucking wanted to."
"Shut the fuck up, I'm tired of this shit," Yoongi grunts, he feels a chill all over his body upon hearing those words.
It's different to act to see your own acting. And although it was not silly for him, although he perfectly remembers everything that happened at that moment, and in what way, Yoongi hoped that Jeongguk wouldn't do it. He walks to the bed to get away from the place, closes his eyes and clenches his teeth; he can not lie, he has already shown himself. There is a silence between the two. When Yoongi opens his eyes he can still hear Jeongguk's silence, waiting for him. Yoongi's hands move nervously. He turns around and Jeongguk's pupils shine as if they were going to explode. The boy shakes his head.
"Please, tell me it's true."
At that time, Yoongi wants Jimin not to exist. For a moment, if only for a few hours, that Jimin has never existed and that none of this hurts. Yoongi takes a step forward. Jeongguk doesn't even blink because he knows it would wet his cheeks.
"This is stupid. None of us wants to hurt Jimin," Yoongi tries.
"Tell me I'm not wrong," Jeongguk says again.
Yoongi would love to see Jeongguk cry. He thinks it freely because it's a real statement. His black eyes shining like precious gems, swollen, his lips reddened, his cheeks soft of smooth ceramic. His skin shines even though the place is dark. Yoongi takes another step and stands in front of him, he really doesn't know what he is doing, because he doesn't know what is right and what is wrong. He is not going to lie anymore, he is already lying a lot. Carefully, and feeling ridiculous because although he wants to show confidence he is shaking, Yoongi raises a hand and cups Jeongguk's face. His thumb cleans the tear that has not held between his eyelids, the saline water dampening the circles under his eyes. Yoongi detests people being a crybaby, but loves to see Jeongguk cry. He snorts wryly.
"You make me a horrible person."
Jeongguk breathes out. Jimin doesn't exist between those four walls. Not for this afternoon at least. Yoongi tightens a grimace on his lips and bends over Jeongguk's. The boy trembles at the contact, nervous or because of the anxious anticipation. Yoongi squeezes his eyes, deep down on his chest he doesn't want to do what he is doing, but he does anyway. Yoongi no longer knows himself. The moment Jeongguk's lips part to let out a whimper for the sensation Yoongi doesn't know anymore. Instantly he grabs Jeongguk's waist and draws him to himself so as not to waste a second of that stolen time. Jeongguk soon tilts his head to deepen the kiss, and hums contently, a gesture too soft for how nervous Yoongi's lungs work at that moment. It's when Jeongguk raises his hands to caress the back of his neck when Yoongi suddenly finds himself elsewhere. Now he doesn't think about anything anymore, only the warmth of the boy's tongue sliding with his with such a sensual delicacy that Yoongi feels his body melt.
The kiss becomes more intense, now the sound of the rain is accompanied by the accelerated breaths of both of them, stupidly desperate. Yoongi gently pushes Jeongguk against the pillar in the middle of the room and leans against him as much as possible, trying to feel his body what so many layers of clothing allow. It's enough to make him tremble, though, the thought of being able to feel Jeongguk's body somehow makes him dizzy. Yoongi feels helpless and bites Jeongguk's lower lip before breaking apart a little, his foreheads pressed against each other to breathe, but only lasts a few seconds, Jeongguk can not stop himself from leaning in again and capturing Yoongi's lips with his own.
"Don't stop yourself," Jeongguk breathes out over his mouth.
"I don't intend to do it," Yoongi replies.
At other time Yoongi would have worried about not appearing too needy or weak, but now he just can not. It's not that Jeongguk does not look like it. He looks into his eyes only for a few thousandths, his cheeks as flushed as his lips by the kiss. Yoongi raises his hands and lowers the wet coat over Jeongguk's shoulders, still too many layers, he intends to get rid of them all. The boy lets the garment fall to the floor and lets Yoongi take off his sweater too. Yoongi can not stand the gaze, his face is the most beautiful. Jeongguk tangles his fingers in the strands of Yoongi's hair, the kiss becomes deeper, impossibly, his legs shaking because neither of them is really going to stop. Yoongi's mouth goes down his chin, his jawline, until he finds his way to his neck. Yoongi nips the fine skin there, and Jeongguk responds with a choked moan. Every sound that Jeongguk makes sends an electric shiver down Yoongi's spine, every reaction, now that he can have it for him alone. Yoongi feels that his body is way too much.
Jeongguk grinds his hips instinctively against Yoongi's, eyes closed and parted lips while Yoongi works his neck and his collar bones with damp kisses. Now Jimin doesn't exist. Now it's just Yoongi in front of Jeongguk's body. He doesn't know how far Jeongguk wants to go, but Yoongi has said that he doesn't intend to stop. Yoongi grabs him by the arm and takes him to the bed in silence, their bodies glued so that the situation is not uncomfortable, that none of them see from an external side what is happening. There they lie down, Jeongguk grabs the neck of Yoongi's shirt so he doesn't break the kiss. His legs are trembling with nerves, as if it were the first time, but he feels completely confident, and Yoongi can feel it. He also feels nervous, though.
The room seems to light up when Jeongguk's shirt falls to the floor. Yoongi raises his hands under the fabric of his shirt and slides it up, Jeongguk helping him to take it off. Yoongi tries to stifle the moan. Jeongguk's body is beautiful. He knew it, he had always adored his body although he had never seen it, however now that he has Jeongguk in front of him Yoongi can not help but be amazed by his figure. Jeongguk's body is unimaginably beautiful.
He stands transfixed looking at him; Jeongguk chews his lip, his chest stupidly warm as he realizes the way Yoongi's staring. His emotions are very intense right now, he truly believes Yoongi is the one he was waiting for. The boy leans up and grabs Yoongi's jaw to kiss him again, this time rougher, as if they didn't have time, and little by little moves Yoongi on the bed to straddle him. Yoongi looks at him from above and gasps when the kiss breaks to allow Jeongguk to kiss Yoongi's throat instead, slow and wet, his teeth digging slightly into the thin skin of his chest, down, until Yoongi places his hand on his head when the boy slides his tongue through one of his nipples.
Jeongguk looks up then, his lips red from the touch; Yoongi can not believe that it is Jeongguk who is there with him at that moment. He can not believe that it's Jeongguk who is watching him from below, bright black eyes, his tentative tongue causing Yoongi's breathing to have a broken and accelerated rhythm. Yoongi can not believe that this is not a vision. He raises his other hand and with both of them he touches Jeongguk's cheeks, warm, he runs his thumb down his wet, lower lip, he checks that Jeongguk is real. Jeongguk's breath is hot. He looks at Yoongi panting and raises his head slightly when his thumb caresses his lower lip. Jeongguk can not hold a pleased gaze. He turns his head to facilitate Yoongi's movement, then he slides his tongue along the top of his thumb to instantly insert it into his mouth. Yoongi feels a throb in his crotch that causes his body to shrink, the boy working with his mouth on his finger and Yoongi biting his lip to avoid looking too weak. He is. Yoongi licks his lips and pulls his thumb out of Jeongguk's mouth to insert his index and middle finger instead, encouraging him to sucking them. The boy hums satisfied, the vibrations having a painful effect on Yoongi's lower belly. It's when he begins to enter and pull out his fingers slowly when Jeongguk opens his eyes, a bit watery from the excitement and the action, and Yoongi thinks he was wrong when he thought that a few minutes ago he contemplated the most beautiful scene in the world.
"Fuck, you look so beautiful," he manages to say, realizing that he sounds as worked up as he really is even when his words are soft.
Maybe he didn't want to say it. Maybe Yoongi doesn't want Jeongguk to think that he is overreacting, but at that moment he feels unable to take it. He's drunk. He has a cloudy mind. Jeongguk whines for the comment, his mouth filled by his fingers, his cheeks swollen, his lips and eyes damp. Yoongi increases the speed until he feels this is not enough, it's not necessary to say anything when he takes his fingers out of Jeongguk's mouth. Automatically the boy goes down to kiss his waist, below his navel, and Yoongi chokes a curse and closes the eyes in anticipation.
He doesn't hear but feels the zipper of his jeans lower. With great effort Yoongi swallows and helps Jeongguk to take off his pants, discarding them on the floor. Jeongguk begins to leave gentle kisses over the elastic band of his boxers. Yoongi's body trembles, although he is taking his time. Eventually he also discards the underwear and kisses him again, not teasing but trying to drag the situation, although he does not want to think about it Jeongguk is not sure if this will happen again. Yoongi impatiently huffs and puts his hand on Jeongguk's head, not to force him, with the intention of him noticing his need. Jeongguk looks at him once more from below and Yoongi looks away because he can not stand it.
Jeongguk starts by simply sliding his tongue over the head, a light gesture but enough for Yoongi to raise his arm and cover his mouth with the outer side of his wrist. It's ridiculously too much. Yoongi stifles a moan when Jeongguk opens his mouth and puts in all his cock, the sensation is ridiculously too much, and he has been so long willing to this moment that now he doesn't know how to handle it. Yoongi doesn't want to look weak, but the way the boy works with his tongue on his length, sliding up and down before put it in again to start bobbing his head in a faster pace, warm and wet, his cheeks flushed and his dark bangs falling down to the skin of Yoongi's lower belly, Yoongi really feels it like hell.
He places a hand on Jeongguk's jaw to try to control the pace and thus drag the situation, although noticing beneath his own fingers the boy's head going up and down on his cock has the opposite effect. Yoongi swallows hard and tries not to look at him directly even though he is dying to do it. He can not help it, Jeongguk feels the pressure of Yoongi's fingers on his face, silently asking him to slow down, and he feels somewhat proud of having built that painful arousal on him.
"God, Jeongguk," he says, voice cracked up.
Yoongi moves his other hand away from his mouth, making his gasps now real. His body is weak, consumed for the moment, he kissing his friend's boyfriend, he touching him, he being sucking off by those lips they now share. It's not the excitement of doing something naughty, it's the drunkenness of having let himself be carried away by his desires. Yoongi feels that he has reached his limit, the muscles of his legs tense, and before spoil the moment he leans forward and asks Jeongguk to stop. The boy looks at him from below with bright eyes, as always, he goes up to Yoongi and kisses him, the kiss messy and wet, no longer matter that it's refined. Yoongi grabs Jeongguk's waist to draw him closer, their mouths without separating from each other. Jeongguk tastes like vanilla, but feels like alcohol.
"You wanna fuck me?" Jeongguk breathes out, breaking the kiss.
Yoongi buries his fingers on his hip and bites Jeongguk's lip. He nods, eagerly, breathless. He wanted to fuck him since the day they met. Now that question seems unreal to Yoongi. With a meaningless delicacy Yoongi places himself on top of him, both mouths without breaking apart, until Jeongguk is comfortably lying on the sheets, still with the bottom of his clothes on. Jeongguk rushes to take off his jeans, Yoongi holds his hands and does the work for him. Jeongguk stares at him when Yoongi strips him naked, when he throws the clothes on the floor next to his and looks at him again as if it were an art masterpiece. Jeongguk stares at Yoongi's astonished face and his chest aches. Yoongi takes his time and puts a hand on Jeongguk's chest to gently slide it up to his navel, trying to draw the moment though his cock throbs just from hearing the shaky breath coming from Jeongguk's mouth. It's such a natural vision. It's the purity of Jeongguk in his most obscene image. The boy squirms under his touch, and Yoongi lowers his hand even more to wrap with his fingers his cock. Jeongguk lets out a weak moan of relief and Yoongi thinks he is beautiful. All of him. His thin skin, his firm torso. His hands on the sheets, his perfectly messy hair, his little moles, his strong thighs, his flushed cock between his fingers. Yoongi thinks that he is so beautiful that he must pay a price. He is damn nervous.
Eventually Yoongi bites his lip and leaves no more time, he just leans forward to reach the nightstand and pulls a bottle of lube from the drawer. Yoongi felt weird when he kept it there weeks ago. Yoongi felt uncomfortable thinking about fucking someone else. Jeongguk's body tenses when he notices. Instinctively he leans on his elbows.
"On my hands and knees?" Jeongguk asks, unsteady.
Yoongi denies serious with his head. Hardly the light from outside enters because of the bad weather and even so Jeongguk's eyes shine in an almost celestial way.
"No," he sentences, "I want to kiss you. I want to see your face while I do it."
I want to see you cry, he thinks. He prays. Jeongguk is too beautiful and he needs to see him in this moment the most. For a moment he wonders how Jimin fucks Jeongguk. It's not the best time to do it, but the thought appears in his head like a flash. Maybe sex with Yoongi is not good enough for Jeongguk. Yoongi has spoken firmly but now his legs begin to tremble. The boy doesn't stop staring at him from below, how he pops the bottle of transparent liquid, trembling hands coating his fingers; Yoongi feels more nervous than ever. Annoyed by this discomfort. Jeongguk's face is still the most innocent, the most pleased, and even now he can not help feeling insecure.
Yoongi exhales half of his demons and leans toward Jeongguk to kiss him. So there is a distraction that allows Yoongi to act. The kiss catches him by surprise though. His lips are cold from tension and nerves, however Jeongguk's collide warm against his, a contrast that makes Yoongi's skin bristle. It's a slow kiss despite the situation, but both thank it. Jeongguk stifles a satisfied moan and surrounds Yoongi's neck to get him closer, deepening in the kiss. Yoongi grabs Jeongguk's waist with his clean hand, Jeongguk's legs surround Yoongi's body, suddenly they want to be totally glued. Yoongi can not stop, Jeongguk's tongue slides sweet along his own, a movement so soft and sensual that Yoongi thinks he could spend his life kissing him. When he rests his other arm on the pillow next to Jeongguk's head he remembers why he is kissing him and what he really wanted to do, and in a gentle gesture Yoongi lowers his hand to place it between his legs, and he spreads the cheeks just a little to allow one of his fingers to enter. Yoongi loses most of his nerves when Jeongguk parts his lips in the kiss to let out a beautiful shaky moan. He goes slow and thorough. He may not be the best, Yoongi may not be better than Jimin, but he will do everything possible to make Jeongguk feel like he deserves.
When Yoongi believes that Jeongguk has adjusted to his finger he tries to thrust him faster, then he introduces a second finger, scissoring him so that the future intrusion is as comfortable as possible. They do not stop kissing. Not an erotic kiss but something more warm, maybe not as the moment requires, but now it's what he needs most. Jeongguk's soft panting and the way he grabs the strands of his hair encourage him to fuck him harder with his fingers.
"Feels good?" Yoongi whispers in a high-pitched tone.
Jeongguk nods eagerly.
"Yeah," he exhales. He wants to answer, but doesn't want to stop kissing him. "Don't stop please."
Yoongi can not believe it's real. His voice is the most beautiful covered with arousal. His cock throbs painfully, his lungs aches deep down his chest. This is not as simple as he had imagined it. It's not just the excitement of fucking someone like Jeongguk. It's each one of his gorgeous reactions. It's his delicate response. Yoongi doesn't complain. He is quite nervous, and to notice that Jeongguk is enjoying is what encourages him not to doubt. It lets him know that he is doing well. He would not stop if he could, right now Yoongi would reconsider his position to listen to him and not stop, but first of all Jeongguk said he would not stop himself, and now his body and mind don't want to just stay here. Yoongi wonders for a few thousandths if they will have another moment where he can prove to Jeongguk that he can make him feel good just by receiving his beautiful reaction in return.
Yoongi introduces another finger and Jeongguk instantly reclines his head back in a stifled moan. Yoongi gasps on his neck as if it was he who was feeling that pleasure. He wouldn't stop if he could but now it's a need. Yoongi continues rocking him with his fingers like that until Jeongguk is squirming under him, trembling in pleasure, Yoongi's cock aching just for the image of weakness, hot and messy. Then carefully he slides his fingers out and Jeongguk whines in a way dazed, squinting eyes looks down and Yoongi responds by covering his own cock with the lube. Maybe he's doing it right, but now it's not easy to stare into Jeongguk's eyes that never look away.
This is a moral step. Perhaps they have already made the mistake. Perhaps nothing can solve the fact that they have kissed, that they are doing things they should not. Perhaps no one would accept what has happened so far as a valid step. But now Yoongi feels morally on the edge. And the only thing he wonders is if he will do as well as Jimin does. If Jeongguk is going to compare them. If he's going to regret it. Yoongi looks at his body completely once more. This doesn't belong to him. He doesn't even know if it will ever be his.
Jeongguk leans forward because of Yoongi's sudden lack of movement, practically sitting on the bed, and raises a hand to touch his cheek. Their bodies are hot although the place now seems cold.
"You okay?" his voice still shaky.
Yoongi nods weakly.
Jeongguk's eyes are red. He remains silent for a few seconds, the necessary for them to remember that the rain is strong out there. Jeongguk brings his face closer to Yoongi's chest, violent breathing and heart despite remaining static. It's soft. His cheek. The boy lets his fingers drift across Yoongi's chest, tracing large slow circles, curious fingers going down the line of his abdomen and stop just as they reach Yoongi's hand still surrounding his own cock. Yoongi contemplates it. Jeongguk wraps his hand and gently he moves it up, Yoongi staring at him as if he were doing something incredible. Then he moves down. It's a languid, barely perceptible movement, his own hand controlled by Jeongguk's, yet inexplicably sends a warm and painful sensation to his lower belly. Yoongi part his lips and looks down when Jeongguk looks up, his cheek still against his chest. Jeongguk's movements too gentle.
"I want this, Yoongi."
Yoongi wants to smile but actually he could cry. The strength of the two contradictory feelings pressing against his chest is too intense. He closes his eyes for a moment and feels dizzy. Yoongi releases the hand of his cock a little and feels the full warmth of Jeongguk's fingers around the thin skin. Jeongguk's breath begins to moisten his chest. With his other hand Yoongi raises Jeongguk's chin and pushes them to a wet kiss, now he has decided completely, now he could not do anything else even if he wanted to. His tongue curling round Jeongguk's as gently pushes Jeongguk towards the mattress when he whimpers, his hand still stroking him up and down delicately. Yoongi stands between his legs and breaks apart for a moment to look at him once more. He lines himself up. The kiss becomes inevitably rougher when Yoongi slides into Jeongguk, his arms wrap around his back. Yoongi allowing him a few seconds to adjust.
Eventually he begins to thrust into him slowly, languid pace, indulging himself the satisfaction of the kiss that Jeongguk can not control due to his agitated panting. He has to bite a loud moan at the feeling of Yoongi moving so deeply inside of him, his hand stroking clumsily through Yoongi’s strands of hair. He rolls his hips up into Jeongguk, this time harder, not too much but he can not stand a slow pace now. Jeongguk's eyes shut as his head tips back against the pillow to breathe, Yoongi clings more to the boy's body and finds the way to his neck with sloppy kisses. Jeongguk starts to move his hips down, drawing out a low moan from both of them.
"Fuck," Yoongi breathes out, his teeth digging into the thin skin of Jeongguk's neck.
He opens his eyes and leans up to place his elbows on either side of Jeongguk's body, grabbing his shoulders and rocking his own hips up into Jeongguk harder and faster. Jeongguk groans to the change of pace and Yoongi bites his lip until it hurts. This is not a matter of getting off, it's just an instinctive action. Yoongi’s hands hold even tighter, bringing him down more firmly against him. Jeongguk meets his lips and grabs his face to force him to kiss him, wet and messy but much more than satisfying, his breaths broken directly from their throats. Yoongi's hand grips Jeongguk's hip hard and he hits the right angle, the kiss breaks sharply. Jeongguk’s body arching up into Yoongi as he moves inside him, loud and shaky breathing with every deep, deliberate thrust into Jeongguk.
"Fuck, yes," Jeongguk pants, and Yoongi still can not believe it.
Yoongi remembers perfectly every time he has had some kind of sex. Some guy in his dorm after a campus party, some quick blowjob in the college restrooms between class hours. This feels different. It's not to seek his own pleasure in the hands of someone he likes, it's trying to find Jeongguk's ecstasy. It's feeling the need to see Jeongguk cumming. Jeongguk feels like he's drowning in it, sinking into the sensations of Yoongi fucking him deep and thoroughly even if he can not hold his erratic loud breathing. He doesn't take long until he feels the inevitable need to let himself being carried away. He is going to come too soon, but this feeling is overwhelming for him and, fuck , he just can not help it. Yoongi bends over just a little and swallows hard to be able to speak.
"Are you close?"
Jeongguk tries to answer but his voice is interrupted by a sharp moan when Yoongi grabs his cock and starts stroking fast as he keep hitting the spot that forces Jeongguk to keep his eyes closed.
"Fuck- I" he groans, "pretty much."
If Yoongi thought he was close now he is on the edge of a fucking cliff. He gasps a laugh half ironic half of relief. At first Yoongi wanted to see the image of Jeongguk squirming under him for his orgasm, but now that he feels he is going to cum he leans down to kiss him. He needs to kiss him. They are not even kissing properly, lips simply pressed together, any sound muffled against each other mouths. Jeongguk squeezes both hands, one on Yoongi's hair, another on his side, when he comes hard, just seconds before Yoongi does, hot on his abdomens by the proximity and friction. Yoongi hits him slowing his pace until he feels oversensitive and stops to breathe.
Yoongi exhales hard and breaks apart, stroking his fingers through Jeongguk's hair, brushing the strands away to be able to appreciate his whole face. He looks too beautiful, still trying to catch his breath, like Yoongi, but he is sure that no one else can look so beautiful in such a exhausting state. Yoongi could be dreaming. He's drunk. Silently the two stare at each other for a long moment. When they fully recover the state they don't know what to say. They can not say anything now. Jeongguk presses his lips and Yoongi gets up from the bed with a sigh. The little sunlight that was left in the sky is gone, so the room is almost completely dark, however he doesn't turn on the light.
Yoongi goes to the breakfast bar and picks up a napkin, then carefully wipes his still sticky belly. Jeongguk leans on the bed and looks at him from afar. Yoongi's expression right now doesn't feel good. He is immersed in bitter thoughts. Everything that has happened, everything that he has not avoided. Yoongi clenches his teeth not to curse aloud. He has no control over his own life, and that makes him feel like a loser. He should have simply left things as they were, a paltry kiss doesn't mean anything if they both bury him completely in the past, a couple of tense situations should not spoil a relationship already strongly built. Yoongi bites his lower lip and tries to order his thoughts. Now none of this has a solution. He promised that he would fix the stupid kiss on the swing, and the only thing he's done is fucking Jeongguk, just throw more shit on top of it.
"Sorry," Jeongguk mutters from the bed.
Yoongi makes a ball with the napkin and throws it in the trash bin. Then he rests both hands on the counter and gives a big sigh again, as if that solved everything. He searches in his mind for the place on the floor where his clothes can be, even though the loft is warm he is naked and that doesn't help.
Yoongi's voice sounds husky. He looks to the side and sees Jeongguk sitting on the bed, a poor attempt to cover himself with the sheets. Still messy hair and chest stained with cum. With a painfully innocent face.
"For forcing you to do this."
The silence is broken by Yoongi's ironic laugh. He steps slowly to the bed and takes some sweatpants, then puts them on. For Jeongguk he doesn't get a rough napkin, Yoongi looks for a clean and soft towel instead. Jeongguk thanks him and cleans up his own mess. Yoongi sits next to him on the mattress.
"You have not forced me to anything, Jeongguk." He looks at him a little sideways and makes sure he is completely clean and calm. "If I did it it's because I wanted to."
Jeongguk's stomach clenches. He is holding back a shy smile, even though the situation is supposed to be not happy at all. Yoongi sighs again and lets himself go. Resigns everything. Jimin, the world around him. His instinct. He raises one hand and delicately caresses Jeongguk's bare shoulder. The boy appreciates the gesture and slowly bends over him until Yoongi surounds his shoulders with his arm and draws him to put his chin on his head. It has not stopped raining. Yoongi knows that this is not the end of anything, only the beginning. A beginning of something that is not healthy.
"Where is Jimin?" He asks.
Jeongguk closes his eyes and gives in to the warm sensation of Yoongi's fingers caressing his arm. He has almost forgotten it completely.
"We argued," Jeongguk admits. Yoongi doesn't say anything at the moment, but doesn't stop playing with his skin. "I didn't come here for that, it's just, I felt bad and I left home and needed to-"
"It's fine", Yoongi replies, firm and confident voice.
Jeongguk is not the selfish one. Not as much as him. Yoongi's chest fills with air and he looks at the sheets when he starts feeling cold.
"So you staying tonight?"
Jeonguk's smile can not be controlled now. He bites his lip embarrassed, although Yoongi can not see his expression but he feels much more relieved.
"Well," Yoongi says as he gets up to walk to the closet, "you can still sleep on the doormat if you want."
Jeongguk rolls his eyes and squeezes a wry smile on his lips. He is more than glad. Despite everything that exists outside those four walls right now he can not help feeling warm. Yoongi gives him the sweatpants and Jeongguk puts it on before going into bed. They don't know what time it is but it has already darkened. Yoongi places the sheets on them and lies right next to Jeongguk. The last time he found himself in a situation like that he thought about what it would be like to fuck Jeongguk. Yoongi closes his eyes and tries to avoid that thought. How he saw the boy as a beautiful body with which to enjoy. It was dangerous, and that moment he didn't think of it that way. Yoongi squeezes his eyes and thinks he's an idiot. Then he feels Jeongguk's hand caressing his cheek. He opens his eyes and meets his smile. It's a smile a bit forced. A smile of consolation. Yoongi clenches his teeth and feels that he can not compensate for all gratitude he is receiving. He's not alone. Yoongi pushes aside the sad smile that draws Jeongguk's lips and approaches to kiss him. Jeongguk whimpers at the contact, unexpecting it. Yoongi surrounds the boy's waist and presses him against his body. He just wants Jeongguk to be there with him. The kiss has hardly any movement, they simply hold their mouths together, their lips caressing the other's. It's a tranquility. Yoongi feels he is not alone and everything seems to be healing. Jeongguk is the only one with whom he can be honest after all.
He doesn't know if it's eleven or still five in the morning. He doesn't really care. His body feels rested, he doesn't need to sleep although practically they have not slept all night. Yoongi leans forward a little to suck on Jeongguk's shoulder. He bites him. Water running through the skin, causing the bite to be red marked more than it would be if the skin was dry. It's not a mark that's going to last a long time, and it should not, but Yoongi likes it. Yoongi likes the idea of Jeongguk's body being painted pink and purple by him. The hot water from the shower has been running for their bodies now for more than an hour. Jeongguk lets out a loud moan and collides his cheek against the tiles of the shower wall. He opens his eyes and tries to look back with no success. Yoongi makes sure to grab properly the sides of his hips when he thrust him again with force, firm and hard, and both groan for the sensation of depth. Yoongi doesn't get tired of that sound. The tiles are fogged by water vapor and Jeongguk's breath, the bottle of lube floating next to his feet. Between those four walls they lose the notion of time.
Yoongi circles Jeongguk's waist with one arm to facilitate his movement and with his free hand grabs his face to force Jeongguk to look at him. His face is beautiful. From Jeongguk's mouth, the most beautiful music never stops coming to Yoongi's ears.
"You like it like that?"
Although the pace is not accelerated, each thrust is deliberate and precise, just where Jeongguk needs it. Yoongi squeezes Jeongguk's face so the boy can keep looking at him. He just gasps, letting himself be carried away by the sensation, finding with a movement of hips Yoongi's thrusts as if he needed everything from him. Jeongguk digs his fingers on the hard tile and prays for his shaky legs to support him.
"Say it, you like the way I fuck you?" Yoongi groans.
"Yeah, I like- fuck", he tries to answer but his sentence is interrupted when one of his thrusts hits just at this right point, an intense feeling that begins to build in the pit of his stomach. "I like it, please, keep going."
Yoongi does it like that. The strands of wet hair from Jeongguk stuck to his forehead, the hot water pouring down in the form of glass drops through his porcelain skin now mutilated by the force in which Yoongi's fingers grip him. Yoongi controls the urge to bite him once more because he knows he can not leave any mark. Jeongguk is like a stolen treasure. They have hardly slept, spending the night in wet kisses, silent caresses, simply intense glances or unavoidable desires to make the other come. Yoongi doesn't remember the last time he had sex more than twice in the same night. Now he doesn't even remember how many times they both have done it exactly, yet he feels that he could spend that way all his life. Jeongguk is addictive. His forbidden body is like a drug. Now his thinking about Jimin has changed. Now he can not help feeling him an enemy. Now Yoongi only thinks about fucking Jeongguk in such a way, making him feel so good, that he forgets each and every time he has done it with Jimin. Yoongi clenches his teeth in rage, his fingers fiercely burying in Jeongguk's flushed skin, and Jeongguk has to press his arms on the wall because he feels Yoongi's going to break him.
"Oh my God, Yoongi, I'm gonna come."
Yoongi pants hard when he hears his name. It's just a stupid word but it reminds him that this is real. He lowers his hand down Jeongguk's chest to pay the needed attention to Jeongguk's aching cock, still fucking him with the same speed, his legs shaking and his heart beating hard from the difficulty of breathing. It only takes a few strokes to get Jeongguk to his limit, sperm painting white the tiles of the shower. Yoongi continues rocking his hips until he is coming inside, panting heavily, then he rests his forehead against the nape of Jeongguk's neck to catch his breath. The steam from the shower fills his lungs with moist air. They two resonating between the walls of the bathroom as if they had finished a marathon.
Jeongguk separates from the wall and turns to meet Yoongi. He doesn't waste time and entangles his wrinkled fingers in the wet strands of Yoongi's hair to kiss him as if he had not done it all day, although he still needs air to breathe. His lips are swollen and red from the shower and excitement, his eyes tired, his mind dizzy. Yoongi can now believe it, but he knows that this will have an end, and that end will be soon. He wraps around Jeongguk's waist and rests his head on his forehead to avoid the temptation to kiss him again. They must be very wrinkled from spending so much time under the burning water, but they don't really care. Jeongguk looks up and for a moment they stare at each other. Jeongguk's eyes shine black and bigger than ever, and although Yoongi doesn't know it, his own too.
Eventually they decide to get out of the shower. It's already sunny at least, the kitchen clock sounding but broken it doesn't mark the correct time. They put on their underwear and lie on the bed, their natural habitat since yesterday afternoon. It has become so home that now the outside world is scary. Jeongguk leans on his elbows and looks around him, at the loft, as if he had never seen it before, then at Yoongi, who is lying on his back with his eyes closed on the bed, still awake.
They have been listening to each other's voice all this time, and even then they have share only a few real words.
"Can I get some food?"
Jeongguk looks doubtfully at the refrigerator next to the breakfast bar, as if he knew that there is hardly anything to bring to his mouth.
"There must be coffee and some cookies in the kitchen."
He nods though Yoongi's closed eyes don't see him and gets up from the bed to look for food. It's true that there are coffee and cookies, as well as some beer cans, three pieces of fruit and meat that should soon be cooked. Jeongguk suddenly worries about the state in which Yoongi has been living, no doubt because of him, and that makes him feel doubly guilty. He just picks up the cookies and turns on the coffee machine.
A while later Yoongi feels almost asleep, the soft sound of the machine and the boy handling kitchen utensils is the most relaxing, only when the smell of Jeongguk and the coffee approaches the bed does he open his eyes. He shows a radiant smile, even with his lips closed. Yoongi feels his chest warm. It's just as he imagined him. It's much better. Jeongguk is the best gift and Santa Claus just left it at the wrong house. There is not one mug but two, and the entire packet of cookies. Jeongguk carefully leaves them on the bedside table and sits down next to Yoongi, in his initial position. Under the sheets Yoongi has maintained the warmth, the smell of sex and shampoo. Jeongguk grabs one of the mugs of coffee and brings it to Yoongi, who bends to sit like him.
"No sugar," Jeongguk interrupts.
Yoongi shows a weak smile. Then bring his nose to the mug to smell the coffee. He doesn't remember the last time he ingested something with food properties. Jeongguk grabs his arm gently and pulls it back a bit before speaking.
"Take it slowly. It's burning like hell."
Yoongi looks up at him. Then leave the coffee on the bedside table. He is craving that coffee, but now it can wait. It's a weird moment. They are there just like that, sitting on his bed in the morning or whatever time is it, looking at each other, waiting for their coffee to be drinkable. Not talking about Jimin, like a taboo. Jeongguk yawns and his eyes become watery.
"When are you coming back?" Yoongi asks.
He wants Jeongguk to stay forever. He doesn't remember if he ever felt bad anymore. Jeongguk laughs in a sigh and rubs his face with his hands.
"I should talk to him as soon as possible."
He's right. Yoongi nods and places his hand on the sheets, close to Jeongguk's. Still not touching. He has already received a lot. He has already exhausted this opportunity to the fullest. If he keeps doing this, it will start to hurt.
"What happened yesterday?"
"The usual," Jeongguk almost interrupted with a sigh. He takes his coffee and takes a sip, checking that it's hot but not too hot.
"Yeah, but I don't know what the usual is," Yoongi replies.
Jeongguk smiles. He takes another sip and gestures at Yoongi with his head to try his coffee too. Yoongi obeys.
"The usual is embarrassing, you know it, and I'd rather not have to tell it."
He takes another sip to cover his face a little with the mug. Yoongi nods and drinks his coffee. He should not mind the problems of others relationships, but now it's something that concerns him. Yoongi feels a sudden knot in his stomach as he thinks about what's about to come. What could come.
"Yesterday you wanted to talk," Yoongi says.
Jeongguk leaves his half-empty coffee on the nightstand and moves closer to Yoongi.
Another bitter smile paints his face. It's not an easy thing of which he's sure of. Honestly, it's just a big shit.
"I like you, Yoongi."
The coffee trembles in his hand. Yoongi feels fucking stupid. After what happened, it's fucking obvious that Jeongguk likes Yoongi. It has even been implicit in some of their conversations. Yoongi feels fucking stupid because he feels a tingling in his chest that makes his lose the strength of his hands. Jeongguk takes the mug from him and puts it on the table next to his, although he does not notice Yoongi's nerves.
"And although all this has been wrong, like, more than wrong, deep down I'm not such a bad person. I want to break with Jimin up."
"You want to-"
"Yeah, break up. Finish our relationship."
Yoongi nods. When he has talks on the Internet everything is much simpler. His mind is organized more simply. His words come out of his fingers more easily. His oratory and metaphoric intelligence increases by twenty-five percent. Much more his sense of humor. Yoongi nods and doesn't know what the fuck to say because he hates living a situation that he has never lived before.
"I mean, it's not like I'm breaking up to be with you or something, you don’t have to worry about that," Jeongguk hurries, this time playing with his fingers on the mugs to keep his eyes entertained on something. "What I want to say is that I can not be with a person after doing this damage. Although Jimin doesn't know."
"You don't want to lie."
"I didn't want at the first moment. It's just that, shit, things have been screwed."
Yoongi gives a big sigh and tries to be the cold mind of the two. None of them want to hurt Jimin, and that is something he will never allow. Maybe they have hidden a kiss. Maybe now they have had a night that should never come to light. Maybe they played too much with him in the shadows. However, if they both want to, the lie can be hidden all of life. Not completely, that never works. But maybe over time the material breaks down and becomes just a tangle of scenes that don't have to hurt that much again. Just maybe.
"Just want you to know," Jeongguk continues, "because as you know, it's very difficult for me. I'm not doing it today, neither tomorrow. I'm just not ready."
Yoongi perceives anguish in Jeongguk's last words. He approaches him a little more, and remembers at that moment that this is not a love nest. Remember that Jeongguk is again someone else's. He stops himself.
"I understand. Honestly. I think it's brave what you're going to do, and I think it's right. Just, take your time." Yoongi lets out a bitter sigh and feigns a smile. "And don't keep fucking things up."
The hand that rests on the sheets next to Jeongguk's is back on Yoongi's lap. Jeongguk's expression goes from sadness to disgust. There is an awkward silence after those words.
"So this is a farewell, I guess," he whispers.
The grief is now more noticeable, and Yoongi can not help feeling bad. His saliva is bitter now. He shrugs and doesn't know what to say. Jeongguk shakes his head trying to push the worries away without real success.
"No, I also understand you," Jeongguk says. "This is my life, anyway, I have to accept my shit and try to fix things. And above all, make Jimin suffer as little as possible. He is my priority after all."
Yoongi nods, head down. He will regret this thought. He now hates Jimin. Uncomfortable and without really knowing what to do, he grabs his coffee and finishes it in one gulp. Jeongguk then understands that it's a literal farewell. In the silence the broken clock of the kitchen keeps ticking. Yoongi avoids Jeongguk's gaze although the boy does just the same. Gosh, this is the most uncomfortable thing he can live. He can not stop him. He can not force him to finish with Jimin by his own desires, he can not force him to keep seeing each other just for being a fucking caprice. This is all wrong and they both know it. Sink into the shit or detoxify with all its collateral damage. Jeongguk's breathing starts to accelerate and Yoongi notices. He blinks fast for a few seconds and gets up to look for his clothes, still lying on the floor.
He only takes a few minutes to collect all his things and stop in front of the door. He really doesn't know where to go. His place is on his apartment, with Jimin. His real place is here, with Yoongi. He wants to cry of impotence.
"Jeongguk," sounds from behind.
Yoongi has got up and looks at him doubtfully as he approaches him. Jeongguk wants anything he is going to tell him. His face reveals his uneasy state, it's impossible not to see it, and Yoongi really hates it. He bites his lip and approaches the boy before he can move. He wants to hug him but he fucking sucks at hugging. Yoongi simply puts his hand on the back of his neck and pulls him closer to him. He already missed his smell. Jeongguk raises an instinctive hand and grabs Yoongi's naked waist.
"Just do what you have to do. Don't put too much pressure on yourself," he whispers.
Jeongguk nods fast. He doesn't know what time it is but every second that passes is one step away from a less painful solution. Yoongi separates and Jeongguk presses a smile. Yoongi just looks at him like that. He leaves with a weak goodbye.