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In Sync

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The lights on the stage came up and a sold-out Madison Square roared in anticipation. Jimmy Fallon and LL Cool J walked out and everyone got even louder. Jimmy grabbed the mic and announced, “HELLO EVERYONE AND WELCOME TO THE AVENGERS CHARITY LIP SYNC BATTLE!”

Six Months Earlier…

“Lip sync battle?” Cap said dubiously.

“Yeah,” Peter said eagerly. “Aw Cap, you’ve never seen it? It’s the best thing ever.”

Pepper had gathered the team together to discuss putting together a gala to help raise money for the Avengers Initiative; a tongue-in-cheek named charity that the Avengers put together to help people affected by any of their battles. It also offered scholarships and research funding, plus it was just good PR for the heroes especially in the aftermath of Thanos and Loki joining their side. Tony backed most of the organization however they did do fundraising from time to time. The team gladly helped out but the idea of yet another gala had them groaning dismally. The very last thing they wanted to do was stuff themselves into uncomfortable clothes and make barely polite conversation with the American elite. That’s when Spidey pitched his idea.

“It’s not a bad show,” Clint allowed. “Laura and I watch it sometimes. It’s good for a laugh.”

“I don’t get it,” Bucky frowned. “Why would anyone want to watch people pretend to sing?”

“It’s more about the performance,” Natasha explained. “And the contradiction. Guys can sing girl songs, normally macho dudes will sing Disney tunes, and they go all out. Lights, costumes, dancing, the works.”

“Sounds like quite spirited fun,” Thor said.

“Stupid more like,” Loki groused. “Though perhaps not as tedious as black tie.”

“Think about it,” Peter pressed. “It’s culturally relevant, popular, it will bring in a ton of money, and, this is important, it’s NOT a gala.” The other Avengers bobbed their heads slowly at that last point.

“I already know what I’d sing,” Tony declared.

“So do I,” Peter said.

“Me too,” T’Challa chipped in.

“I do recall one piece that I found appealing,” Loki said.

“I heard one recently that might work,” Thor pondered and there was a murmur around the table as everyone considered it.

“It would be great to get you guys out in public more,” Pepper reasoned. “Doing something that doesn’t include monsters or tuxedos and the one percent.”

“Wait, are we really doing this?” Scott asked.

Wanda levelled him a look, “Do you want to hold a gala?”

“Right,” Scott clapped. “Let’s get to lip syncing.”

Steve sighed, “Great, back to the chorus line.”

“It won’t be like that,” Sam assured him. “You and I can work together and blow these chumps out of the water.”

“Oh yeah,” Peter said. “One thing to remember, it’s a battle. Try not to reveal what your song is to everyone else. Half the fun will be our reactions to each other and seeing who can outdo who.” Now the team was really sparked, the idea of competition of any form was always welcome.

“I’ll contact the producers of the show immediately,” Pepper began making notes to herself. “It shouldn’t be too hard to convince them, they’ve reached out to us before but we’ve always been busy. After that, I’ll look into venues. We’ll also need costume designers, set designers, potentially pyrotechnics, choreographers, back up dancers, lighting technicians, promoters, and you’ll have to tell me your songs ASAP so we can the get rights to them.”

“Can me, Bruce, and Clint team up?” Natasha asked. “If so, I have the perfect song for us.”

“Fine by me.”

“Sure.”

“I’m with Viz,” Wanda grabbed his hand.

“Guess I’m by myself,” Bucky said. “I have no idea what to perform”

“I can help,” Pepper volunteered. “No way I’m getting on stage but I’ll make sure you have a kick ass piece.”

“Do you think we should do a group one?” Wanda supposed.

“Why not,” T’Challa shrugged.

Present…

Jimmy beamed at the audience, “Tonight the Avengers will go head to head in lip sync battle competition. This is for charity so remember to call or go to the website and DONATE! All proceeds from tonight’s tickets and donations will be given directly to the Avengers Initiative. Feel free to tweet at us using the hashtag AvengersSync.”

“It’s time to get down to business,” LL jumped in. “But first…” The pair walked off the stage at the same the lights dimmed and a group of people came on dressed in ragged period clothing, faces hidden in shadow. They arranged themselves in rows and stood still, waiting as a tinkling sound filled the air before the first note –

EVERYBODY!

The crowd roared in a recognition especially when the dancers raised their heads to reveal the first row to be all the heroes. 

ROCK YOUR BODY! They mouthed perfectly. EVERYBODY! ROCK YOUR BODY! BACKSTREET’S BACK, ALRIGHT! The audience came alive, jumping up and dancing as the team began to move in perfect coordination.

Peter came forward, Oh my god, we’re back again. Brothers, sisters, everybody sing.  

Nat bounded up, Gonna bring the flavor, show you how. Bruce put an arm around her shoulder, Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah.

Am I original? Thor lipped.

YEAH! The crowd chanted back.

Am I the only one? Cap held up a finger to the camera.

YEAH!

 Am I sexual? Tony rolled his hips to the words.

YEAH!

They came back together, Am I everything you need? You better rock your body now! They got into position and went into the iconic dance to the chorus. Everybody, yeah. Rock you body, yeah. Everybody…rock your body right. Backstreet’s back, ALRIGHT! The crowd was swaying with them, their friends and families in the front cheering them on.   

T’Challa ran to the edge of the stage, waving an arm. Now throw your hands up in the air! Wave them around like you just don’t care. He moved along the lip, working the crowd, If you wanna party let me hear you yell, cause we got it goin’ on again, yeah.

Am I original? Scott sang.

YEAH!

Am I the only one? Vision bobbed, albeit a bit awkwardly.

YEAH!

Am I sexual? Loki winked at the camera.

YEAH!

Am I everything you need? You better rock your body now. They spaced themselves along the front of the stage, grooving to the beat. Everybody, yeah. Rock you body, yeah. Everybody…rock your body right. Backstreet’s back, ALRIGHT!

Clint grabbed the camera, So everybody, everywhere, don’t be afraid, don’t have no fear. Sam took it from him, I’m gonna tell the world, make you understand. Wanda jumped in. As long as there’ll be music, we’ll be coming back again. The chorus hit again and crowd was loving it. Their enthusiasm fuelled the heroes who in turn danced that much harder. The atmosphere was so charged but in the best way possible. The audience began to clap in rhythm as the song hit its final climax before bursting into applause at the last note. The team struck a pose, laughing and thrilling at the sheer exhilaration of it all. Already they knew – Best. Night. Ever.   

  

 

Chapter Text

Jimmy and LL returned to centre as the dancers dispersed. “That was incredible,” Jimmy laughed. “Let’s hear for everyone!” The crowd cheered and the curtains on the stage closed so they could set up for the next number. “Just a reminder guys, I will be reading some of your tweets in between shows so if you want to get involved please use the hashtag AvengersSync. For example, @LokiGirl450 says, ‘Is this actually happening right now?’ Yes it is. @LadyNight, ‘I’m watching Thor dance to the Backstreet Boys, if this is a dream please don’t wake me up.’ Not a dream I promise you.”

LL jumped in, “Donations are already rolling in, keep it up guys. You will not be disappointed with the line up we have in store for you. In fact, I think it’s time for our first Avenger ready and waiting.”

“Let’s see who we got!” The crowd roared as the hosts left and the curtains parted. The other heroes were piled onto a large couch on a platform off to the right side. The stage had been decorated to look like a bedroom set up including a bed, a screen, a dresser with a stool, and a full length mirror. The lights were kept on low as the music began on a guitar riff but then it led into an upbeat melody and lights got brighter; suddenly Scott Lang jumped out of the bed wearing a blonde curly wig, a blue shirt and pantyhose.

Well, he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance He pointed at the audience shaking his head to the song. He took a second to wave at his teammates who were in various states of shock and awe. Tony clapped a hand over his mouth and Rhodey fell back into his seat with hysterics. He looked kinda nice and so I said I might take a chance He flamboyantly walked to the stool and pretended to spray himself with perfume. When he danced he held me tight, and when he walked me home that night He did a double kick in the air to get up and then grooved over to the screen where he spun and fell to his knees. All the stars were shining bright and then he kissed me. He revealed to the audience a black dress with a plaid skirt and twirled to go behind the screen.  

The lights from behind the screen illuminated the silhouette of him stripping off the shirt and putting on the dress, still in time to the music. Each time I saw him I couldn't wait to see him again, I wanted to let him know that he was more than a friend He slid out, now in the dress and pirouetted over to where the rest of the Avengers were. They had not been able to stop laughing the entire time and applauded him with huge grins. I didn't know just what to do so I whispered I love you Scott got down on his in front of to take hold of Clint’s hand. Hawkeye was crossed between hilarity and humiliation as Scott mouthed the words and sang, he said that he loved me too and then he kissed me. At first it looked Scott would have to steal one but at the last second, Clint gave Scott a quick peck and the audience erupted. The camera panned to Laura Barton who was wiping the tears from her eyes. The rest of the supers fell over themselves laughing and Scott ran off to finish his set.  

He ran on to the bed and grabbed one of the posters, swaying back and forth. He kissed me in a way that I've never been kissed before He sent a suggestive wink to Clint who buried his head in his arms. He kissed me in a way that I want to be kissed forever more. Scott jumped off the bed and gyrating and bobbing like his life depended on it. I knew that he was mine so I gave him all the love that I had. And one day he took me home to meet his mon and his dad. He grabbed the blanket off the bed and put it on his head like a wedding veil. He pretended to like a bride solemnly taking her walk down the aisle with hands together like a prayer. Then he asked me to be his bride and always be right by his side. I felt so happy I almost cried and then he kissed me.


He ran to far left of the stage blowing kissed to the people, and then he kissed me

He went to the far right doing the same thing, And then he kissed me

Finally he went to the centre, And then he kissed me! With one final kiss, he took a deep bow. The audience cheered their appreciation and love. Every Avenger was on their feet, clapping like maniacs. Jimmy and LL came out to meet him.

 

“Great job out there,” Jimmy held his shoulder. “How do you feel?”

 

“Like I’m about to be stood up by my worthless boyfriend,” Scott turned to the team. “I’m looking at you Barton.”

 

Clint got a mic, “Chicken pox, contagious, we’ll do the fancy French restaurant some other time.”

 

Everyone laughed and Jimmy moved on, “Well good work, you can rest now and the next victim is up next. Stay tuned to see who it is.”

Chapter Text

Scott waved cheerily as he made his exit and the curtains closed. The atmosphere was buoyant and the Garden was buzzing excitedly for the next performance. Jimmy beamed around with his cellphone in hand, “If you thought that was good, you haven’t seen anything yet. Let’s turn to Twitter quickly - @MadameMarvel says ‘When Antman looks better in pantyhose than you do -.-’.”

“Yeah I gotta agree with that one,” LL joked.

“You look good buddy,” Jimmy assured him. “@RolleignsChick says, ‘The reference gets better when you remember Thor was in the movie. He should have been in on this #MissedOpportunities’. I didn’t think of that. Oh well,” he pocketed the phone. “We have to move on and this one is guaranteed to be interesting.” The pair left and the curtains opened on a lone figure in a red cloak at a microphone stand. Blue lighting rose to a piano intro and Thor raised his head, throwing off the hood.

Some weeks ago…

“BROTHER!” Loki started and turned to Thor. “I am in need of your assistance,” the thunder god said.

“With what?” the Trickster asked warily.

“My performance,” Thor grinned. “I have no mind for illusions like you and I think this would benefit greatly from some of your delightful magic.”

“It’s never been called delightful before,” Loki commented.

“Come now, I’ve seen you do amazing feats,” Thor insisted. “Our mother was so fond of watching you perform. Don’t pretend you didn’t pull some small tricks for her amusement.”

“That was different…I was different,” Loki averted his gaze.

“Not in my eye,” Thor said and Loki cracked a smile.

“That was rather clever of you, I’m shocked.”

Thor chuckled then continued solemnly, “Loki, you are and always have been a son of Odin and Frigga. Whatever resentment you hold for our father I cannot begrudge you but our mother loved you until her last moment. And I will regard you as my brother until mine.”

The Trickster shook his head, “Flowery words for some simple parlour tricks.”

“Were I simply asking for your magic, I would not have bothered.” Thor’s simplicity cut through all pretense.

“I am here,” Loki reminded him. “I have enlisted with your band of merry men and now fight on the side of good.”

“Well then here is what I need your help with…”

Present…

Thor faux-crooned into the mic with the audience singing in perfect unison, word-for-word, with him. The snow glows white on the mountain tonight not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried. Loki bemusedly waved a hand and snow began to fall over the entire Garden. A cheer went up and the god beamed, throwing himself into the song. Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know!

Thor threw off the cloak to reveal a long-sleeved, satin dress just like from the movie and Bruce audibly busted up. Loki was in tears and turned bright red from the contained laughter but continued to focus on manipulating the snow per the song. Thor raised a hand, let it go and a snowburst erupted over the crowd. He raised the other hand, let it go and another one appeared just the same. Can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door. I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage on…The cold never bothered me anyway. He pointed at his brother and Loki rolled his eyes, conjuring a small platform next to Thor.

Thor jumped on and it took him over the people. Everyone stretched up to grab some part of him but he was always just out of reach. He did bend down to grasp some hands and give high-fives. It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small and the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free! He moved to hover over everyone seemingly conjuring a fireworks display of snow and soft crystals. Let it go! Let it go! I am one with the wind and sky! Suddenly a wind blew through, raising the snow, making it swirl like a snow globe. Let it go! Let it go! You'll never see me cry. Here I stand and here I stay. Let the storm rage on – The wind guided the snow into a beautiful haze that flew through the arena creating shaping and figures as it passed.

Thor returned to the stage, pretending to sing soulfully as one hand maintained his influence over the air currents. As song rose, he brought the snowflakes around and start circling him. Little by little until he was hidden by a whirl of snow and crystal. My power flurries through the air into the ground. My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around and one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I'm never going back, the past is in the past!


Let it go! Let it go!
The snow fell away to reveal Thor but instead of being in Elsa’s iconic outfit (like he’d intended), he was wearing a sparkly blue leather tube dress with an icy blue sheer train and white rhinestone encrusted dagger pumps. And I'll rise like the break of dawn. He kept singing but turned wide eyes at Loki who only shrugged and mockingly sang along. Let it go! Let it go! The team were arm in arm, swaying to the music. Natasha and Sam even held up lighters. Thor could only shake his head and keep singing. That perfect girl is gone. Here I stand in the light of day! Let the storm rage on! The people cheered at the high note. The cold never bothered me anyway. Everyone applauded and Thor took a modest bow or perhaps he was forced to since his shoes kept him several inches off the ground.

Jimmy came back and help him walk forward so the curtains shut again. “Well done man, you really went all out.” the host giggled.

 

“None of this would have been possible without my brother,” Thor said.

 

“YOUR WELCOME!” a voice called from the back.

 

“Don’t get too far ahead of yourself Loki.” Jimmy staggered as Thor leaned on him to take off the shoes. “Excuse me, I need to have a word with my little brother”  

 

“Let’s hear it for Thor!” Jimmy crowed and the people screamed their appreciation. “I wonder what can top that…”

Chapter Text

Jimmy waited for the applause to die down before speaking. “This has been great and we’re only in the second act. There is so much more in store for all of you!” He looked at his phone and giggled. “@DeathValleyDemon says there’s not enough therapy in the world to get that image of Thor out of my head. Lowkey glad about that. He is not wrong. It’s time for our next performers, Vision and Wanda!”

Some weeks ago…

Wanda was stretching on the balance bar before dance practice when Vision walked in. “Am I late?”

“No few more minutes,” Wanda shook her head. “I’m really looking forward to doing this with you. Thank you for going along with my idea.”

“It was a good one,” Vision sighed.

“Something wrong Viz?”

“I just spoke to Tony, he asked if I was going to use my cloaking for the performance.”

“You don’t have to,” Wanda said.

“I know I don’t. Just… I can’t tell which is worse, that sometimes I’m reminded that I’m not human or that sometimes I actually forget I’m not.”

“You’re not human but you are a man, a being, you feel, you think, you change.” Wanda rested her hand on his chest. “You made me feel human when all I felt like was a weapon.”

“Likewise,” Vision kissed her forehead.

“You know,” Wanda said impishly with a wink. “There are other scenes from the movie I was thinking of recreating.”

“Ms. Maximoff!” Vision pretended to be scandalised.

“Come on,” Wanda pulled him to centre of space. “Practice first, then you can sweep me off my feet.”

Present…

The curtains opened on a completely dark stage. The music started soft, tinkling gently as a deep male baritone voice sang. Now I've, had, the time of my life… No I never felt like this before. The lights gently brightened to reveal just Vision (uncloaked) in a tight black outfit with Wanda in a silky red dress. Vision held Wanda and bent her back and around The crowd hooted for them and the baritone continued to croon, Yes I swear, it's the truth. And I owe it all to you. Then Wanda moved to back Viz and he raised her hand up to his head and the cloaking shimmered into existence while the female sang, 'Cause I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you…

The music picked up and the Avengers led the clapping to the beat, swaying and grooving along. Vision and Wanda moved quite sinuously with precise twists and turns. I've been waiting for so long now I've finally found someone to stand by me. We saw the writing on the wall as we felt this magical fantasy. The dance began to pick with more complex twirls and spins. Tony and Peter catcalled loudly for each grand move. Tony cupped his hands around his mouth, “Shake it Viz!”

Vision pointed to him with a wink. Now with passion in our eyes, there's no way we could disguise it secretly. So we take each other's hand, 'cause we seem to understand the urgency. Just remember! The pair parted and broke into a synchronized routine, mouthing the words at each other.

You're the one thing, Wanda sang, extending a single finger out as she sinuously rolled from her shoulders to her waist.

I can't get enough of, Vision sang back.

So I'll tell you something… they came back together to spin and mouthed together, This could be love! Viz held their hips together to sway sensually. Because I've had the time of my life. No I never felt this way before, yes I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you!

With a cute twirl and kiss to her hand, Vision went to the back of centre stage where some back up dancers dressed in 80’s clothes assembled to dance flash mob style. The crowd leapt to their feet, clapping and swaying. Hey baby! With my body and soul I want you more than you'll ever know. He sang to his friends, beckoning them to come dance. So we'll just let it go, don't be afraid to lose control.

To no one’s surprise Tony was the first one to join him, singing exaggeratingly. Yes I know what's on your mind when you say stay with me tonight. The other heroes caved and met them onstage to do the famous aisle dance. Most just bobbed but Tony, Peter, and Scott were able to dance right along with the troupe. Just remember! You're the one thing I can't get enough of. So I'll tell you something – Vision nodded and Wanda ran to him for the iconic lift. This could be love! Because I've had the time of my life. The audience exploded with applause and cheers. No I never felt this way before. Yes I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you. 'Cause I've had the time of my life and I've searched through every open door. Till I've found, the truth, and I owe it all to you! Everyone danced freely while Viz gently lowered Wanda down onto her feet. The witch kept her arms around his neck as the tempo slowed at the dancers dispersed. The Avengers took the hint and returned to their seats.

Vision led his partner to front of the stage, the music flowing over them gently. Now I've had the time of my life. No I never felt this way before. Yes I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you. The music struck up again and Vision flung Wanda down for deep dip, holding the pose. The chorus went again and confetti rained from the ceiling, sparklers popped overhead. The noise in the Garden was deafening and didn’t let up even when the curtains closed on the pair.

They re-emerged a moment later, arm-in-arm, waving and beaming. Jimmy approached them clapping, “Guys that was amazing! How do you feel it went?”

“I genuinely had the time of my life,” Wanda joked.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to replicate this experience,” Vision said. “I want to thank everyone for their support. This is truly a one-of-a-kind moment for me.”

“Of course, of course,” Jimmy agreed. “I know you guys are probably dying to get back and relax. So we’ll let you go now, EVERYONE LET”S HEAR IT FOR WANDA AND VISION!”


Chapter Text

Jimmy beamed around, “I just want to tell everyone that we have officially hit the ten thousand dollar mark for donations, not counting ticket sales, so thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I have a feeling our next performer has got quite a few surprises for us. He is the King of Wakanda, T’CHALLA!”

Three months previously…

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Shuri questioned when her brother told her his plan. “You are not concerned about your image.”

“I am surprised you are,” T’Challa commented. “I thought you’d be thrilled.”

“Oh no I will be in the front row,” she assured him. “As will Nakia and Okoye. I just texted them. How did you convince mother and the elders of this?”

“It is harmless fun for charity,” he shrugged. “Furthermore, the Avengers Initiative is a key part of our global outreach. Being a part of the world is more than just attending meetings and giving press conferences. We must be seen.”

“Well the world will certainly see you,” Shuri snorted. “The King of Wakanda lip syncing a decades old song.”

“It is timeless in my opinion,” T’Challa defended.

“Yes I suppose,” Shuri looked down.

“What is the matter?”

“I just baba was here to see you, us, I miss him so much.”

“As do I,” T’Challa held her. “This performance will be in his honour.”

Present

The curtains rose to polite applause and the entire stage had been transformed into a prom-like set up. Sparkling ribbons of alternating blue and white hung all around with a banner reading ‘Enchantment Under The Sea’ hung in the centre. A small band had set up including a pianist, a bass player, a drummer, and saxophonist while a lone microphone stood front and centre. There was a murmur around the crowd, most people wondering where they had seen this before. Just then T’Challa walked out in a 50’s style suit and hair slicked into waves across his head and a guitar hung over his shoulder. 

He stepped to the mic, “This is dedicated to my beautiful Nakia and for all you lovers out there.” The band cued and the cameras cut to Nakia lowering her head bashfully in the audience with Shuri and Okoye on either side giggling. A slow tune began to play and T’Challa winked, faux crooning, Earth angel, earth angel. Will you be mine? My darling dear, love you all the time. I'm just a fool. A fool in love with you. The music trailed off and the people cheered, Nakia blew the tiniest of kisses up to the king. T’Challa held up a hand and the noise quieted some. “Now this is my father, the late king T’Chaka.” He pretended to strum the strings on his guitar as a new, faster riff hit.  A number of people ran out in poodle skirts and suits to swing to the music.

T’Challa grabbed as if he was really belting out, Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans, way back up in the woods among the evergreens. There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood where lived a country boy named Johnny B. Goode. Who never ever learned to read or write so well but he could play a guitar just like a-ringin' a bell. Go go! Go Johnny go go! Go Johnny go go! Go Johnny go go! Go Johnny go go!
Johnny B. Goode!

Shuri got up, jiving in the audience. Tony hauled Peter out to swing him around. The super soldiers followed suit, Bucky allowing Steve to lead. Everyone ate it up and thrived on the atmosphere. No one however was prepared for the appearance of Nick Fury, dressed to the nines, with his own guitar. He joined T’Challa at the mic, mouthing along perfectly, He used to carry his guitar in a gunny sack, go sit beneath the tree by the railroad track. Oh, the engineers would see him sitting in the shade strumming with the rhythm that the drivers made. People passing by, they would stop and say "Oh my that little country boy sure could play!" The two men sang together, Go go! Go Johnny go go! Johnny B. Goode!

Natasha and Clint practically fell over themselves. Tony and Scott pretended to swoon and fan themselves. The cheering increased tenfold. The two men traded lines in the last verse as all the heroes swayed to the beat. His mother told him "Someday you will be a man, and you will be the leader of a big old band. Many people coming from miles around. To hear you play your music when the sun go down. Maybe someday your name will be in lights, saying "Johnny B. Goode tonight"! Okoye and Shuri abandoned ceremony and began dancing in the aisle along with several other audience members. No one was sitting as the final chorus hit and when the song ended, the crowd roared for T’Challa.

“Excellent, really excellent,” Jimmy applauded coming onstage. “Your highness, that was amazing.”

“Thank you,” T’Challa said graciously. “And a huge thanks to my friend Nick Fury for his support.”

“Um Nick,” Tony cut in. “Can you sign my ‘Not Too Old After All’ shirt please?”

“You know Stark, you can kiss my motherfu-”

“Alright,” Jimmy hurried them along. “You know I think I saw the Hulk, Widow, and Hawkeye with hot pink spandex at the back. Let’s find out what’s that all about.”

 

Chapter Text

The stage cleared and the lights went out causing a roar of noise to rise and fall into silent anticipation. A few cameras flashed in the darkness as the audience waited with baited breath for the music to hit in the still silence. A few murmurs shimmered the air but were quickly cut off by the sound of heeled footsteps. Then a sharp, hot pink spotlight came on, backlighting a slim figure carrying presumably a microphone. A guitar plucked twice then the light immediately shifted to overhead and Widow wearing black tights, white crop top, blood red lipstick with her hair in a bob sang. Sure she got a body like an hourglass but I can give it to you all the time! The crowd lost their minds and noise got so loud that the song could barely be heard. Sure she got a booty like a Cadillac but I can send you into overdrive. You've been waiting for that. Step on up, swing your bat. Natasha strutted around the stage and strolled right up to her teammates with Jessie J vocals blaring her on. You see anybody could be bad to you.
You need a good girl to blow your mind, yeah!

The stage fully illuminated to reveal a set of scaffolds with dancers including Clint and Bruce on opposite sides rolling to chorus. Bang bang into the room! (I know you want it!) Clint had donned baby pink lycra pants and a burnt out black crew-neck vest. It molded perfectly to his frame and showed off each roll and sway of his body. Bang bang all over you (I’ll let you have it) Bruce sported a black leather jumpsuit, lined with hot pink. The chest zipper was opened all the way past his navel showing off a narrow line of skin that shone in the tinted light. Wait a minute let me take you there (ah). Wait a minute 'til you (ah, hey!) The chorus blared over them all, everyone bouncing on their feet or in their seats. The crew on the scaffold descended slowly, the dancers joining and blending seamlessly into the ones on stage’s routine whereas Bruce and Clint joined Nat at the front. Clint took the mic and Widow and Hulk fell back with the dancers.

Clint jumped off, weaving through the crowd and pointing at Laura. She might’ve let you hold her hand at school but I’mma show you how to graduate. The audience parted eagerly, allowing him to reach his wife and step up onto the armrests of her seat. No, I don’t need to hear you talk the talk. Just come and show me what your momma gave (oh yeah). He slithered down and back up, bumping and grinding to beat over his spouse. I heard you've gotta big baby, mouth but don’t say a thing. He leapt down and Laura grabbed him by the shirt and mouthed into the mic, see anybody could be good to you. You need a bad girl to blow your mind. She caught his bottom lip between her teeth, a long drawn out nip that sent the onlookers into a frenzy.  The chorus rolled again but that had become second priority. Even Bruce and Natasha broke and were nearly beside themselves with shock. Tony feigned falling over, Peter extended his hands out, bowing like a supplicant. Rhodey and Bucky whistled and everyone else clapped. Clint winked at his wife before running back to the stage, vaulting up easily and tossing Bruce the mic.

“Wait!” he called out and everything stopped; the dancers, the music, everyone. Bruce smirked, “I’ve got this one. It’s Miz Black Widow. It’s Hawk on the bottle. It’s Hulk full throttle, it’s oh, oh!” If the audience lost their minds before, they were practically in pieces over the Hulk rapping like Nicki Minaj. Bruce really got into it, spitting lyrics like he was born to do it. “Swimming in the grotto, we winning in the lotto. We dipping in the powder blue, four door.” He got down his knees, flexing sinuously, “Kitten so good, it’s dripping on wood. Get a ride in the engine that could. Ironman, robbin’ it, bang, bang, cockin’ it – the Avengers dominant, prominent!” The crowd gleefully showed their appreciation and Bruce strutted around the stage like he owned it. “It’s me, Hawkeye, and Nattie. If they test us, they sorry.” He pointed to Tony, “Ride his uh like a Harley then pull off in his Ferrari If he hanging, we banging, phone ringing, he slanging. It ain’t karaoke night but get the mic 'cause I'm singing –“ The song began again, the entire Garden singing along. B to the A to the N to the G to the uh - B to the A to the N to the G to the hey –

Natasha took it, See anybody could be good to you. You need a bad girl to blow your mind! (your mind!)

“Let us hear you!” Clint called and the trio pointed their microphones to the audience. Bang bang into the room! (I know you want it) Bang bang all over you! (I’ll let you have it). Wait a minute let me take you there! Wait a minute 'til you (Hey!)

The three sang together as hot pink spotlights swooped and swivelled overhead. Bang bang there goes your heart! (I know you want it!) The whole stage shook and rolled in time to the music. Back, back seat of my car! (I’ll let you have it!) Wait a minute let me take you there! Wait a minute 'til you! (Hey!)

The chorus rolled again and pink confetti and glitter rained from the ceiling. The noise was mixed cacophony of shouts, cheers, singing, clapping, and screaming. Clint went and pulled Laura up on stage to dance with them as well much to everyone’s joy. Soon the other friends and family including Pepper, Shuri, Okoye, Nakia, and Hope were dragged up as well. They coaxed Loki to come out front and centre to dance. The entire Avenger family swayed to the music, soaking in the genuine happiness of the moment. The last note hit and air cannons went off, spewing even more confetti while the crew onstage clapped and blew kisses to the crowd for their love and support.

 

Jimmy could just barely be heard, “We have to break for intermission but we’ll be back!”

Chapter Text

“Whoo” Scott exhaled once they all got backstage. “That was wild out there.” It was wild back there too; with all the costumes, set pieces, and the sheer number of stagehands racing about to keep the show moving.  The Avengers carefully made their way to their shared dressing room, most immediately crossing over to the cooler for something to drink. “It’s been insane hasn’t it?”

“You ain’t seen nothing yet,” Tony promised around a mouthful of water. “I’m gonna be performance of the night.”

“Oh sweetie,” Peter said beatifically, kissing his cheek. “I promise to share the honour with you.”

Clint scoffed, “Did you see us out there? I dare any of you chumps to beat that.”

“Everyone is already saying that Hulk, Hawk, and Widow won the night.” Natasha waved her phone smugly.

“Are we seriously going to ignore Viz and I going full Dirty Dancing out there?” Wanda said in mock offense.

“Not to worry,” Vision shrugged. “I’m sure the public has the sense to see who truly ruled the performances.”

“Oh please, I totally took the crown right from the start,” Scott sniffed.

“You do realise that there are still seven people left in this race,” Sam pointed out. “The throne is still up for grabs. Steve and I have something special planned for y’all.”

“Damn straight partner,” Cap bumped fists with him. “I dare any of you to top us.”

“None of you will have any claim to any throne once I’m finished,” Loki chipped in. “Not even you dear brother, no matter how fetching an ice queen you made. Although I should probably take credit for that too.”

“If you want the credit then you go out there in that dress and heels,” Thor countered. “My piece was the most unforgettable, clothes notwithstanding.”

“Oh no Point Break, clothes withstanding,” Tony assured him. “Speaking of which, honey bear and I need to start getting ready. Our stuff is a little…elaborate.”

“I’m scared for you James,” Clint made a face.

“I already know what it is and how he talked me it I’ll never understand,” Rhodey sighed.

“All you have to do is stand there and look pretty,” Tony patted his shoulder.

“I have to get changed too,” Bucky announced. “I’m after intermission.”

“Yes you are,” Pepper appeared with her tablet in hand. “So Barnes is next, then Steve and Sam, then Tony and Rhodes, then Loki, the Peter closes us out before the final big group number. You guys,” she beamed at them, “You have no idea how successful this has been. The social media response alone is phenomenal and donations are pouring in from around the world. We’re easily going to break a five hundred grand by the end of the night.”

“Regardless, make sure Stark doubles the pot,” Tony reminded her. “I thought I told you to take the night off?”

“I’m enjoying myself,” Pepper insisted. “It’s just that I can relax more knowing that everything is running well.”

“You planned it, how could it ever go wrong?” Steve commented to general assent and Pepper flushed a little under the praise.

“Thanks for the confidence,” the redhead said and pointed a warning finger at Bucky. “You got ten minutes Barnes, hop to it.”

“Yes ma’am,” Bucky saluted and set his water aside to make for the door. “The show must go on. You guys coming?”

“Yeah,” Tony signalled for Rhodey who nodded.  “And you,” he turned to Peter, “By the time I’m done, you’ll be getting set to do your thing. As they say, parting is such sweet sorrow so BEHAVE!”

“Never,” Peter pecked his lips. “Break a leg.”

“You too,” Tony wished him.

“Can I just say it?” Scott interjected. “This has been the greatest night ever and I don’t want it end.”

“All good things do,” Natasha said bittersweetly. “And this has been the best.”

“It really has,” Wanda concurred.

“There’ll be more nights, more events,” Steve supposed. “More galas to bear, more battles to fight. But if this is the last time we’re together like this then I think you should all know that I couldn’t have asked for better people to share it with.”

“Here, here brother,” Sam bobbed his head.

“Well not to break a tender moment but there’s a pair of short shorts calling my name,” Bucky blew Steve. “See you out there.”

Chapter Text

After a half hour intermission, the audience retook their seats, eager for the next performance. The programme had a short summary of the order and everyone was equal parts intrigued and excited to see what the reclusive Winter Soldier would do.

Some weeks earlier…

Steve found Bucky sitting on the roof of the Avengers compound just as the sun began to lower in the sky. He knew his partner liked to find solitude when things become too much but something seemed different this time. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Buck greeted without looking.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Bucky sighed. “Pepper and I had fun coming up with something for the show. It was great.”

“But…” Steve sat down next to him.

“Everything is so different,” the soldier rested his head on Steve’s shoulder. “If I didn’t have you I don’t know where I would belong in all of this.”

“But you do have me and that’s all that should matter,” Cap wrapped an arm around. “You belong here, in my arms, in my heart…not to mention my bed.”

Bucky burst out laughing, “Thanks for killing the moment doofus. Remember before? I used to be the hotshot. Worked at the shipyards all week, hit the dance halls all weekend. Hair slicked back, face clean shaven, dressed to the nines with nowhere to go.”

 “Fresh cigs in your back pocket in case some dame came along,” Steve nudged him playfully. “Stevie,” he did a piss poor impression of James’s old Brooklyn accent. “Let me tell ya pal, cigs only look good when you first light ‘em. Ladies enjoy watchin’ a fella light it up but they never stay around for the smell.”

“Yeah, yeah,” James countered with his worse version of young Steve. “Then you pitch it on ground real James Dean-like. Coulda paid rent three times over with the amount ash you’ve stomped on for a two-second go around.” 

“Now Steve doll,” Cap teased. “You know better than most it ain’t no two seconds and worth every penny.” The pair cracked up, laughter echoing through the air.

“Only way to shut you up was to make you blush.” James recalled fondly. “Worked every time.”

“Should’ve blacked your eye for that crap,” Steve wiped his face. “Too bad I was so far gone on you, actually put up with your nonsense.”

Bucky kissed his hand, “I love you too, always have, always will.”

Present…

The lights went on and the stage was decorated with hay bales and pick-ups and had a single red Dodge Charger in the middle. A guitar chord filled the air and dancers decked out in flannel and denim appeared. The charger door open and out walked Bucky in a full-on Daisy Duke outfit; red and black checked button-up tied right below his pecs to hint at cleavage, denim short shorts and brown, worn cowboy boots. Steve’s jaw dropped and James blew him a quick kiss while strutting over to the group, silver mic in hand. 

He sang right at them, I hopped off the plane at L.A.X with a dream and my cardigan. Welcome to the land of fame excess, am I gonna fit in? Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time, look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign. This is all so crazy! Everybody seems so famous!

He turned to the crown, My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick. Too much pressure and I'm nervous. That's when the taxi man turned on the radio and a Jay-Z song was on… Bucky made his way back to the Charger. And a Jay-Z song was on… He got onto the hood. And a Jay-Z song was on… SING WITH ME!

He raised his free hand and the entire crowd went with him. So I put my hands up, they're playing my song. The butterflies fly away! I'm noddin' my head like yeah, he bobbed his head. Movin' my hips like yeah. He swayed suggestively to the beat. I got my hands up, they're playin' my song. I know I'm gonna be OK. YEAH! It's a party in the USA! YEAH! It's a party in the USA! He took a moment to cheekily salute Cap before jumping into the next verse.

Get to the club in my taxi cab, everybody's looking at me now. Like, "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks? She gotta be from out of town." So hard with my girls not around me. It's definitely not a Nashville party. 'Cause all I see are stilettos, I guess I never got the memo. The audience is clapping to the beat and Bucky grins, raising his arms over his head to do it with them. My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick. Too much pressure and I'm nervous. That's when the DJ dropped my favorite tune and a Britney song was on… And a Britney song was on… And a Britney song was on!

“STOP!” Bucky shouted. The music went and the dancers paused looking at him. He stared around at the cheering fans all chanting ‘BUCKY! BUCKY! BUCKY!’ With a smile, he tosses the mic away and music abruptly starts again with entirely new beat and sound. The dancers form a line behind the Winter Solider and in unison began breaking down to new song.

You drive me crazy, baby! Excited, I'm in too deep, oh - oh, my, it feels alright. Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night! The crowd catches on and they scream-sing right along. You drive me crazy, I just can't sleep. I'm so excited, I'm in too deep. Oh, crazy, but it feels alright! Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night.

Somewhere in the back, Tony Stark’s very aura was vibrating with the indignation of missing James Buchanan Barnes dance to Britney Spears but that made all the more sweeter for Buck was seeing Steve laugh, the genuine look of pride on his face for him. To be fair, he was popping and dropping it like he was born to do it. You drive me crazy, but it feels alright! Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night!

One of the dancers returned the microphone and he began sing with his own voice acapella. Feel like hoppin' on a flight, back to my hometown tonight. Something stops me every time ­– he points at Steve and thumps a fist against his heart - the DJ plays my song and I feel alright. The song plays again for the chorus and confetti begins to rain down over them all. Bucky jogs up to Steve and to the tune of Miley’s final YEAH! It's a party in the USA!, they share a kiss. A one last cheer goes from the crowd and the curtains close.  

Chapter Text

Star Spangled Fuck You

The lights came up and old time chorus band struck up abruptly, a dozen or so patriotic pin-up girls walked out, singing in a high pitched tone, Who's strong and brave here to save the American Way?

That’s when Cap made his appearance in his old cloth uniform and stars and stripes shield, “Not all of us can storm a beach or drive a tank. But there’s still a way all of us can fight.” Bucky clapped a hand over his mouth. All the Avengers just knew that somewhere Phil Coulson was having an epic fanboy attack

Who's vows to fight like a man for what's right, night and day?

“Series E Defence Bonds. Each one you buy is a bullet in the barrel of your best guy’s gun.” Steve took a moment to shoot a wink at Buck before moving offstage and letting the girls do their routine.

Who will campaign door to door for America? Carry the flag shore to shore for America? From Hoboken to Spokane? The Star Spangled Man with a plan! The dancers struck their final pose and the music stopped. The audience clapped politely but were clearly nonplussed. Was that it?

Nope.

The lights dimmed, the girls left, and Cap came back onstage, this time in black jeans and a tight white t-shirt. A soft strumming and Steve looked, “Yo, man!” he fake-called out.

“Yo,” Sam ‘responded’ joining him. If the crowd caught on, they were too stunned to make much noise about it.  

“Open up, man.” Steve grasped his head like he was nervous.  

“Yeah, what do you want, man?” Sam mouthed.

“My girl just caught me,” Steve ‘admitted’ gesturing to Bucky.

“You let her catch you?” Sam pointed to Buck too.

“I don't know how I let this happen,” Cap shrugged helplessly.

“With who?”

“The girl next door, ya know?”

“Man, I don't know what to do.”

“Say it wasn't you.” Sam faux-suggested.

“Alright.” Honey came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door. Steve circled the edge of stage, singing directly at the front like a real rapper. Picture this we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there, she never took her eyes off me.

Sam caught Steve by the shoulder, pretending to chastise him while mouthing. How you can grant your woman access to your villa? Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow. You better watch your back before she turn into a killer. Let's review the situation that you're caught up inna. To be a true player you have to know how to play, if she say a night, convince her say a day. Steve made a show of being unconvinced and Sam ‘urged’ him. Never admit to a word when she say And if she claims ah you tell her baby no way

Steve rubbed his face, but she caught me on the counter…

It wasn't me, Sam shrugged.

Saw me bangin' on the sofa!

It wasn't me!

I even had her in the shower, Steve insisted.

Sam just crossed his arms, It wasn't me

She even caught me on camera, Steve ‘admitted’.

Sam knocked him upside the head, It wasn't me!

She saw the marks on my shoulder!

It wasn't me!

Heard the words that I told her!

It wasn't me!

Heard the screams get louder!

It wasn't me!

She stayed until it was over!

The pin-up girls returned having donned tight black shorts and camouflage shirts tied at the chest. They strutted onto the stage, bumping and grinding to the beat. Honey came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door. The girls dropped to ground and Steve joined them pumping his hips into the air. Picture this, we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor. I had tried to keep her from what she was about to see. Why should she believe me when I told her it wasn't me?

Sam jumped into sea of screaming fans, working the crowd while making his way up the aisle. Makes you know say that she really no right for vex. Ah never you she see yah make the gigolo flex, ah smaddy else a favor you inna di complex. Seein' is believin', so you better change your specs. You know she a go bring a whole heap a things up from the past. All the little evident, you betta know fe mask. Quick 'pon yuh hansa, know how fe talk. He stopped halfway up and turned around, pointing at Steve. But if she pack a gun, you know, you betta run fast. Everyone’s eyes flashed to Bucky who shook his head with a finger gun.

But she caught me on the counter? Steve turned his mic to the crowd.

It wasn't me! They chanted back.

Saw me bangin' on the sofa? He turned it back to them.  

It wasn't me!

I even had her in the shower!

It wasn't me!

She even caught me on camera!

It wasn't me!

She saw the marks on my shoulder!

Even the other Avengers joined, throwing it up and grinding to song. It wasn't me!

Heard the words that I told her!

It wasn't me!

Heard the screams get louder!

It wasn't me!

She stayed until it was over! “Sing with me!Steve and Sam waved their free arms widely, getting the crowd and the team to move with them. The entire arena sang every word, Honey came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door.
Picture this, we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there, she never took her eyes off me!

Steve signalled for the team to join him onstage. They came just as Steve sang, Gonna tell her that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused. I've been listening to your reasoning, it makes no sense at all. He took Bucky’s hand then looked to Sam, we should tell her that I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused. You may think that you're a player but you're completely lost. “ONE MORE TIME!”

Sam stayed in the crowd to dance with a few lucky fans while to the team grooved with each other and the pin-up girls for the final chorus. Bucky and Steve were front and centre, Steve with a shit-eating grin on his face. Definitely not the chorus line. Honey came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door. Picture this, we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there, she never took her eyes off me.

 

Later on it was discovered that Tony Stark had tweeted out, “Trust Cap to figure out how to politely flip off everyone who’d ever called him a cinnamon roll.”