Seeing them rolling Sherlock into the operating theatre, I break.
I fall on one of the chairs and let the tears flow. This can't be true. I feverishly hope for it to be a nightmare.
He's in the OT. His heart had to be restarted... the bastard who said he didn't have one, had his heart restarted for the second time in less than a week and that to because of me.
I'm a doctor. It's my bloody job to keep people safe but why can’t I keep him safe? Why is it that he's always in danger because of me?
Less than a week ago a woman who once I believed to be my wife shot him... tried to kill him. But like the stubborn git he is he survived. Thank god for that.
But now a few days later - trying to save my marriage which I'm not even sure I want any longer! - he let himself bleed to death.
No. Not death, near death.
He can't die like this. It's too boring for him. This way of dying, in a hospital from internal bleeding is for the ordinary people and he's not ordinary.
Sherlock Holmes is anything but ordinary...
God let him live. I'll do anything that you want, I promise... I will come clear with him with... everything
You listened to me not once but twice. Seldom do people get their miracles, I asked for one, and got it twice but still couldn't respect it. I know I don't have any right, but I’ll ask again. One last time... please... I'm begging you. Just one more time and I will keep my promises. I'd respect it. This time, I will. I swear.
When I first came to know that he's alive that he's not dead, I panicked! The feelings suppressed inside me came out in full force and knocked my senses out. I couldn't reason out what I was doing and why.
The next morning when the situation had sunk into me and I came back to my senses I regretted my attitude so much. I wished I would have take him in my arms, pressed
him against my heart...
But then that women was wearing the ring. I didn't remember giving it to her but there she was wearing it.
I couldn't think of what to do!
Two years had passed ...things change in two years. Don’t they and I didn't even knew whether Sherlock wanted me in his life anymore or not. So I decided to go with the flow and do nothing like a coward.
Even Sherlock didn't seem to mind the idea of me getting married to that assassin, he would have surely known that something was off with Mary! So I didn't say anything, didn’t object.
I should have said something then, I shouldn't have been such a coward. I should have told him. But I waited and waited for the perfect moment that never came.
If not before, then at least during the wedding preparations... or when he was teaching me how to dance. I had realised by then that the man in front of me feels the same for me as I feel for him.
Still I waited, I wanted him to say something, to express his feelings. He's a consulting detective. He can tell people's history from just a glance at them so surely he'd be able to observe what I feel for him! No?
I should have know better. He’s not good at all this emotions stuff. I should have at least tried.
To be honest I did try during the stag night. But then that idiot client turned up and I... I couldn't do anything.
I know these are just excuses, that I wasted too many chances, too many opportunities.
But please, I just need one last chance.I'll do my best, I'll try my hardest. God, give me one last chance. One last chance to prove myself.
I know I’m not much of a religious man but if I’ve done any good in my life, being a doctor and all, just grant me one wish. Even if it’s the last wish for the rest of my life ... please god just let him live. Just give me one last chance to correct all my mistakes.
I'd tell him how I feel about him, that he's the most important person for me in the world. I'd tell him everything.
And then even if he rejects me, I'll not complain. I'd be happy and content just to see him alive and well. I'll stay with him as just a friend if it’s what he wants or move away from him ...far far away if that'd be what he wishes for.
But, for now God, please god just let him live.