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Doctor Who and the Hodge-Podge

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Episode 1: Genre al Chaos


Through the chaos of the Space-Time vortex sped a police box that was not a police box at all, but a highly advanced craft called a TARDIS. Inside the impossibly large control room stood a tall man in loose, comfortable clothing of a vaguely Bohemian style, topped by an incredibly long scarf and a wide-brimmed floppy hat jammed onto his mop of curly brown hair. This was none other than that mysterious traveler in Time and Space known only as 'the Doctor'.

The Doctor operated a control on the central console. As the scanner screen activated, he turned and saw with astonishment that hordes and hordes of very small fuzzy bipeds had suddenly appeared in the control room, clinging to the tall oak hatstand, ravaging his coat pockets, devouring his jelly babies and yeeking quite belligerently at the befuddled Time Lord, who was beginning to doubt the warranty on his state of Temporal Grace. It was probably high time for an overhaul.

One of the Fuzzies yeeked happily as it noticed the Doctor, and launched itself at his knees. Another began to scurry up his scarf as its companions headed for the console, but they all stopped suddenly when a voice commanded imperiously, "Cease this unbounded savagery at once!"

"Ma-ee Po-pin, Ma-ee Po-pin!" the Fuzzies all exclaimed happily, swarming over to a woman who had appeared at the door. She was dressed in a long black skirt and carried a parrot-headed umbrella and an oversized carpetbag.

"Ah, Doctor, do forgive the antics of my charges. We have come here to inform you of the vast danger that threatens the entire Universe! All freedom shall vanish. Free will shall become a thing of the past – compassion, humanity, kindness, sex, love, jelly babies – all the good things in life – shall be devoured in a single instant! For the Dark, the Dark is Rising!"

From a corner of the control room, Meg Murray watched all this in growing horror. Charles Wallace had warned her that traveling with Mrs. Which would be strange and terrifying, but Meg had promised Mrs. Whatsit that she would stick with the Doctor and she didn't want to fruit out now! To add to her confusion, a short creature with large, hairy, green feet suddenly appeared out of nowhere and rasped, "I am Enas Yorl, and I am here to help. A friend of mine should be along soon."

Yorl made several mystic passes in the air, and a voluptuous three-breasted woman stepped out of a cloud of perfumed smoke. "Va-va-voom!" shouted the Fuzzies, for it was none other than Eccentrica Gallumbits. The Fuzzies swarmed over her as she urged them on with a sly wink. "I've always adored fur," she purred, stroking the head of one that was attempting to scale her magnificent chest. "Mmm, so silky, too."

"All right, that's enough!" snapped a militant voice as a man in uniform marched into the control room. "This is getting silly! This is definitely getting much too silly. You," he announced, pointing an accusing finger at Mary Poppins, "should keep a closer watch on your charges."

"Oh, very well," she replied, opening her carpetbag. "All of you, now, spit-spot into bed."

As the Fuzzies disappeared into the carpetbag, dragging a none too reluctant Eccentrica with them, the Doctor turned to the newest arrival. "Ah, Brigadier. How nice of you to drop in. This is a children's show, after all. By the way, have you noticed that there's a nasty-looking fellow standing behind you, pointing a curling iron at you?"

The Brigadier spun round and surveyed the newcomer. "I say. Terribly gauche. Black leather with silver studs? What dreadful taste."

"Oh, don't be too hard on Avon," the Doctor said. "After all – "

"Hey," said a mischievous voice from behind the Doctor, "this is one hell of a lockpick."

The Doctor turned to find a rather nondescript man in light blue standing beside him, holding the Doctor's sonic screwdriver.

"Well, yes, it does come in handy once in a while," the Doctor replied. "You must be Vila. I'll tell you what – you give me back my sonic screwdriver, my bag of jelly babies, and the yo-yo that you just took out of my pocket, and I'll give you back this pretty bracelet you were wearing." The Doctor held up Vila's teleport bracelet and smiled at his stunned expression.

"Out-conned, by God!" Vila murmured as he made the exchange.

"I don't think I like it here any more, Doctor," Meg Murray said in a plaintive voice. "This is too strange, even for me. I wanted interesting, not weird."

"Perhaps I can oblige," said Enas Yorl, stepping forward. While no-one was looking, he had changed into a tall young man with a curly beard, and Meg really noticed him now for the first time. Yes, this was much more interesting.

They walked away arm in arm. Just before they disappeared in a cloud of perfumed smoke, Yorl was heard to say, "You'll like it there. The storm season should be just beginning . . . "

"Now," said the Doctor. "Would someone mind explaining why – and how – all of you lot are here?"