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The Tale of Captain Twrrwee

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Gather round, all you little ones, and yes, you not-so-little ones lingering back over there in the corner, pretending you don't care and aren't listening anyway. I'm not going to raise my voice just so you can pretend to be "keen" or whatever it is kids want to be these days.

Good. Thank you. Now it is the time I told you a tale, like you have never heard before, of cleverness and bravery and yes, Daughter-mine, even the Christmas spirit so we all have an excuse to talk of it now. It is time for the Tale of Captain Twrrwee.

Once upon a time, in a different universe, there was a world of power and magic, gods and monsters. And time had passed and worked its own magic, and there was great strife. Out of that chaos arose a great hero, a Plooff of such power and magic as had never been seen, before or since. Captain Twrrwee was a pirate before he was a hero, and had many adventures doing horrible things on the high seas – oh ho, now you older ones are interested, I see how it is. Stick around later, and get Gran some of the special drink from – alright, alright Daughter-mine, Tale of Captain Twrrwee! The Captain sailed the high seas, robbing ships and sinking some others, until one clear day his ship would not sail. In the middle of the ocean, it just stopped.

"What is this sorcery?!" Captain Twrrwee demanded. None of his crew had any answer, so the Captain, being the captain, dove overboard to discover what was going on.

He was brave, you see, but not always too clever.

It was a good thing he was so brave, because it turned out that their ship had sailed right across the grandmother of all krakens, who had decided the pirate ship was just right to be a tasty little treat for her afternoon tea, because her daughter was being most unkind and not letting her have her special tea, and so munching a pirate ship was just the right thing to do.

All grans have special tea, great-grandson, that's just how it goes.

So Captain Twrrwee bared his spikes and dove down deep, summoning all sorts of powerful companions to battle with him. While the kraken was busy swatting at all of those, he cast a very tricksy spell, capturing Grandmother Kraken herself!

Well. You can imagine how cranky she was, but at the same time this was rather more exciting than just sitting in the middle of the ocean waiting for the occasional pirate ship. So she agreed to go with Captain Twrrwee and explore the world.

Well! They had some truly spectacular adventures, and I honestly couldn't recount in mixed company how Grandmother Kraken learned the dark spells of the void, to curl her tentacles into an all consuming maw that ate and ate everything around until she burped. But I can tell you that this mighty spell, like all magics, has a moral – such a mighty cause of destruction had a cost, a balance towards creation. Every time she used this call to the void, she found for days and more days afterwards, her tentacles would drop blueberries of the most ripe and round and deep blue like the darkest parts of the wine dark seas, and the crew of Twrrwee's pirate ship did love the taste. So it wasn't such a bad thing in the end.

But Captain Twrrwee did take notice of Grandmother Kraken's great abilities, and he began a new quest. They searched all the land and stars around the great land Lythia, looking amongst monsters and mages to find the one... great... power. He knew with his mighty spines and mightier store of gold, and the call of the void – and even a few spare blueberries, things would be useless if it was blackberries that dropped from her tentacles instead – then they could create, through strange magics, a whole. New. World.

Dangit, young'n, stop singing! Yes, I can hear you, and I don't care a whippity snap why you're giggling, if you want the rest of the story then hush!

Hrumph. That's better. So where was I? Ah, yes, the Potato of Theory!

No, I don't know why they call it that, but that's how I always heard it so that's how I'm tellin' it. They searched and searched for years, poking under rocs peering through the seas, and finally, deep in a mythic wood, in a clearing surrounded by guardian dumpy nymphs, there was the potato.

Oh, what a battle! Grandmother Kraken could not use her call of the void, Twrrwee had to protect his gold, and the pirates just wanted to make friends, and the forest critters didn't want nothing to do with this.

They fought for weeks. And in the end, Captain Twrrwee and Grandmother Kraken were victorious. They took the Potato of Theory, and went to the great temple of the smith god, and there they entered the soul forge.

Let me tell you, the magic there was beyond belief. It – no, you're not being humorous, and no matter how many times you say you don't believe me, I won't be giving more details!!

Thank you Daughter-mine, I will take a drink. Ah, perfect! Now. So much power, from the potato, and Grandmother Kraken's Call of the Void, all reflected back and forth from the brilliance of Captain Twerwee's – gold, yes. His gold. The universe just exploded.

These things happen, you know.

And since they were the ones responsible, they continued to be responsible, as all young'ns should learn to be. They gathered up the stardust and atoms and hints of blueberries and created the universe you know and learn about in school, but since they were also kind and understood people, they made sure to create joy as well. They planned, and created, and made sure our world had seasons and a season for Christmas, because you see Twerwee loved presents best of all, and Grandmother Kraken made sure elves grew to deliver packages because she loved the taste of a good ship of elves best of all, and the potato wanted more than anything to be a pie.

Because in theory potato pie is tasty, that's why! But it was a kind and generous potato, so it made sure the elves delivered all sorts of pies of berries and chocolate and -

Ah! Dessert is ready, and here come the elves! Tale's over, littles and not-so-littles – let's eat, and celebrate!