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Fate/Harem Antics

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“Kiri~”

The spirit of Kiritsugu Emiya turned his attention from the material world and back to the strange spiritual space that he now inhabited. How? Who cares, he was happy. Which was a rare enough state for him to be in as is. He wasn’t going to question it. “Iri,” he said with a soft smile. “Sorry, I was just checking on Shirou.”

His wife’s spirit smiled at him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Hmmm, so how is our handsome young man?”

Kiritsugu smiled. “You first. How’s Ilya doing?”

Irisviel pouted. “The old man is still pushing her too hard,” she said. “She only wants to go the Grail War so that she can meet her little brother. But he’s pushing her to claim the Grail for the Einzbern family. He keeps trying to convince her that it’s your fault that the Grail was lost last time.”

The former assassin scowled. “Iri, no offense, but I should have murdered Acht while I had the chance.”

His wife shook her head. “I don’t blame you,” she said. “He wants Ilya to summon her servant in two days.”

Kiritsugu’s eyes widened slightly. “But that’s…”

“I normally wouldn’t be able to support him for months. She would have to bear the burden all on her own.”

Kiritsugu actually growled. “That’s it. Iri, do you think you could manifest me when she tries to summon? I want to blow the old man’s head to pulp.”

She shook her head. “If I could, I would, but your spirit doesn’t have the same composition as a Heroic Spirit. You would just dematerialize and be drawn back here before you could do anything.”

Kiritsugu sighed. “Then… what if you sent her a servant that could protect her from him?”

Irisviel smiled. “I was just thinking something along those lines. Nothing says that I have to use the catalyst he provides. I can use anything in the room when the summoning takes place.” Her smile grew wider and Kiritsugu felt a drop of sweat forming on his neck. That smile was never a good thing. “Yes, I think I have an excellent idea who to send her.” She giggled happily and Kiritsugu felt a shiver run down his spine.

“Well, I suppose Acht is only getting what he deserves,” he said, trying to convince himself.

“Exactly!” Irisviel said happily. “Now, how has our other child been doing?”

“Shirou’s fine.” Kiritsugu couldn’t help feeling a little pride as he spoke. “He’s eating right and he’s still practicing him magic. Even if he’s not very good at it. He’s doing fairly well in school and he’s actually managed to get Taiga to be a little bit responsible on a good day.”

“A miracle in and of itself,” his wife agreed. “Oh, our boy is so manly! Putting all that work in at the café, and training, and school. If only he put aside a little time to meet some nice girls… Mama wants grandbabies!”

Kiritsugu knew better than to argue with his wife when she went on one of these tangents. “Well, the Matou girl is still coming around every day. And the Tohsaka one keeps watching him, even though he probably has no idea who she is. And there’s the archery girl, what’s her name…” He searched his memory for a moment, then gave up trying to remember.

“And how is Sakura doing?” Irisviel’s eyes hardened a bit.

“Well, Zouken is still an immortal, raping, murdering, worm, but Sakura is still hanging on.” He scowled again and pulled a cigarette from… somewhere. He’d long since stopped wondering where things came from in this place. He lit up and took a deep inhale before he continued. “He’s someone else that I should have killed when I had the chance. Sakura seems happy when she’s with Shirou though. So they’re still close.”

“I see…”

Kiritsugu felt his deep seated combat instincts stirring. “Iri, I know that look. Whatever you think is a good idea, please be careful. I know she’s going to be a master, but please don’t do something too crazy.”

“Oh don’t worry dear,” Irisviel said. “I know just who to send her. And just what to do about the older vampire.”

Kiritsugu’s finely tuned assassin’s instincts were screaming at him now. “If you’re sure…” He took another deep inhale, very glad that he could still feel the relaxation of the nicotine without feeling the effects of tar and smoke.

“Oh don’t be such a worrywart Kiri,” Irisviel said with an adorable pout that she only used when she wanted something. “I’m the all-powerful Holy Grail. I know exactly what I’m doing.” She pulled a pad and paper from… wherever and began to rapidly take notes. “Now let’s see… we’ll need Sakura of course. And Tohsaka. She just doesn’t realize that she’s in love with him yet. And we can use Ayako too. I’m sure I can work out how to get around the no magic circuits thing. And Ilya will be there too. Now who else should I…”

Kiritsugu elected not to ask and went back to checking on his son.