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My Heart is the Hardest to Break

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Lexa lets out a heavy sigh, the sun peeking through the curtain Costia had left open after she left this morning. She pouted squinting her eyes open at it, annoyed that she had to get up to shut it. Her lack of sleep over the past few days was taking its toll on her finally, opting to skip out on a morning run and just sleep in.

She pushed herself out of her bed to close the curtain and flopped back down on the mattress with a sigh, closing her eyes only to be alerted by the vibrations of her phone on the charger placed on the nightstand table beside her bed.

She groans and rolls over onto her side, blindly snatching for her phone on the nightstand and pulling the device toward her, pushing the button so the screen lights up. She sits up as she reads Clarke’s name, her heart already setting off on that chase it loves to do for the blonde.

Clarke (7:01 A.M.): Good morning, wanna get breakfast?

Lexa nibbled at her own bottom lip as she stared at the message. An immediate “yes” had almost been the reply she sent but she erased it, not wanting to seem too eager.

Lexa (7:02 A.M.): It’s Saturday, my bed is comfy

Clarke (7:02 A.M.): Get breakfast with me :(

Lexa (7:03 A.M.): Are you pouting?

Clarke (7:03 A.M.): I’m hungry, I’m paying??

Lexa (7:04 A.M.): You don’t have to pay, I’ll come

Clarke (7:04 A.M.): I’ll wait for you, I may or may not already be outside your building.

Lexa (7:05 A.M.): Just couldn’t wait to see me again?

Clarke (7:05 A.M.): Ha ha funny, get your ass out of bed I’m starving

Lexa (7:06 A.M.): Snippy, maybe if you ask nicely.

Clarke (7:06 A.M.): Lexaaaa

Lexa (7:07 A.M.): Give me ten minutes

Lexa’s heart was racing through her entire morning routine, and it definitely took her more than ten minutes to get ready. Deciding between two different outfits and then eventually throwing them both away was a minor setback.

Was this a date? No, Clarke had told her she doesn’t date just the day before. This wouldn’t be a date to Clarke, this is most likely a friend thing… but Lexa can work with a friend thing. Clarke had told her a few things to do after all, and so far, the only time Clarke’s really reacted negatively is when she ran away last night… perhaps she should slow down. Clarke seems interested, but her not being into dating makes Lexa think she should take things slower, just a little bit. Less touching, more conversation… the thing she’s never been the best at.

At least for flirting that is.

It’s about thirty minutes that go by before she’s ready, her favorite jeans on that she knows make her butt look good and she’s skipping out of her dorm before she can manage to become indecisive about something else.

Clarke is leaning against a pillar to her right, staring at her phone when Lexa finally emerges from the building. The blonde greets her with a wide smile and pushes off the wall, but Lexa holds out Clarke’s favorite pencil before she says anything. “Believe you lost this?” She grins widely, teeth showing, eyes twinkling.

Clarke seems to admire her a moment. “I thought you’d make me beg for it.” Clarke teases, wiggling her eyebrows in a way that makes Lexa’s cheeks heat up in a slight pink tone before she’s snatching the pencil from the brunette. “Thank you.” She says softer, pushing the pencil in her hair and behind her left ear.

“Isn’t that how you lost it last time?” Lexa observes, still smiling as she takes in Clarke’s soft features in the morning. Her hair is in that bun again.

“Normally I know when it falls out. Ready?” Clarke tilts her head to the right as if quizzing her, that playful smirk on her face.

“Yes, where are we going?”

“It’s a place by the gym, I’m guessing you haven’t been there either.” She teases, nudging her with her elbow as they begin to walk away from the building, heading toward the street.

Lexa glances at Clarke but tries to keep her gaze contained. “Is it another territory place?”

“Territory?” Clarke’s eyebrow shoots up as she glances at Lexa, but she catches on quickly. “OH, you mean, no. It’s just small. I hardly ever see anyone from campus go there.” She waves her hand dismissively.

“That must be why we’re going there.”

Clarke scoffs. “Only partly, secret friendship and all, we can’t be caught eating together. But I really like it.” The blonde admits softly, smiling shyly at Lexa whenever the brunette braves a look in her direction.

“Okay.” Lexa shrugs and they walk in silence for a bit, Lexa keeping a proper amount of distance between them so as not to alarm Clarke with the same brushes of her hand that she had done the night before. She still doesn’t really know what happened, Clarke’s acting as if it didn’t happen at all, maybe that’s what she wants though Lexa has a strong urge to bring it up.

“Where did you find the pencil?” Clarke asks after a moment, clearing her throat like she wants to be saying something else.

“Halfway up the hill.” Lexa looks down at the sidewalk instead of at Clarke, ignoring the urge to ask Clarke why she had run away from her so quickly, maybe even apologize for having made her uncomfortable. She must have if she ran away like that.

“Thanks for going to find it for me.” Clarke says quietly, and Lexa isn’t aware that Clarke has moved closer to her until she feels the brush of Clarke’s fingertips against the top of her hand.

She nearly jumps, but manages not to, only glancing down briefly to see the end of the interaction. When she looks up at Clarke she’s expecting to see her twinkly blue gaze on her, but it’s not, instead just trained ahead of them. Lexa is confused and the question she has in her head is on the tip of her tongue but finds she can’t manage to voice it and instead looks back down at her feet. “It’s no problem.” She says instead.

“Lex,” Lexa’s heart tumbles when Clarke grabs her hand and pulls her to a stop, turning to look at her and meeting soft blue eyes. “Tell me who the girl is?” It’s phrased like a question, because Lexa can say “no” but by the soft look in caerulean eyes she knows Clarke really wants to know.

Maybe she would tell her if she knew how it would work out, but Lexa has no idea how Clarke would react based of her running away from her the night before. She breaks their gazes apart, pulls her hand from Clarke’s gentle grasp and immediately misses the warmth. “Can’t do that.” She states simply and begins to walk again.

“Why?” Clarke’s tone is almost whiny and child-like, which Lexa finds endearing and can’t help but smile at.

“Just can’t.” She shrugs.

Clarke lets out a soft sigh beside her, clearly pouting. “I understand, I won’t laugh or anything though, if that’s what you think. And if it’s Costia, I’m not going to give you a spiel about it being your roommate or something. I’m just here to help.” Clarke touches her upper arm briefly but the contact is fleeting, despite how Lexa craves it.

Lexa laughs. “It’s not Costia.” She always finds some amusement in Clarke believing that it’s her roommate. She supposes she can understand the logic, as Costia is gorgeous and Lexa would be lying if she didn’t find her incredibly attractive and quite interesting to be around. But attractive or not wasn’t exactly the case here. It definitely wasn’t Costia.

“No?” Clarke questions unconvincingly.

Lexa shakes her head. “No.”

“If it was, you still wouldn’t tell me though, would you?” The blonde accuses, crossing her arms along her chest, she’s still pouting. Lexa finds her adorable, so adorable she wants to tell her that, wants to urge the words out but she’s decided to bite her tongue on anything like that lately, until she can figure out a little bit more of what Clarke is thinking. If flirting makes her uncomfortable, she’s not going to do it.

Lexa after a long moment only shrugs.

This causes Clarke to huff loudly beside her and Lexa’s cracking a smirk on the verge of laughing. “Okay well… let’s make a deal.” Her voice is stern with determination, her eyebrows knitting together as she thinks through whatever is shuffling through her head, often the way she looks whenever she’s drawing Lexa.

It’s cute that she wants to know so bad, but Lexa wonders why she’s so curious about it. “A deal?”

Clarke pulls her to a stop again. “If I manage to guess who it is, you tell me if I’m right.”

Lexa thinks about it a moment, examining the features of Clarke’s face. She for some reasons finds it to be a low chance that Clarke will ever guess who it is, if she hasn’t already. As Clarke has always said, it only gets mixed up if you want to get it mixed up and if Clarke is mixing it up, perhaps that’s just the way she wants it to be. “Okay.” Lexa shrugs and turns around to continue walking.

Clarke takes a moment to catch up to her after taking in her reply. “Just like that you agree?” She sounds shocked and Lexa bites her cheek as to not laugh at her again.

“You’ll never guess it, so yeah.” She shrugs, pretty sure about this one.

“I’m pretty good at this kind of stuff you know, that’s why you came to me.” The blonde seems slightly offended that Lexa lacks belief in her guessing skills.

The brunette chuckles. “You’re good at flirting, that does not mean you’re good at guessing.”

Clarke groans, hands pressing to her face. “Why won’t you just tell me, it’s driving me crazy.” She whines, and she’s back to the little kid pout again.

She’s really quite adorable. “Is it really?”

“Well no, only when I think about it.” Clarke loops her arm into Lexa’s and the brunette tries not to blush at the contact. “But we’re friends, don’t you trust me?”

Lexa chuckles. “You can’t manipulate me into telling you, you made a deal, you have to stick to it.”

“Poo, and manipulate, such a strong, ugly word.” Lexa laughs and nearly swallows her own tongue when Clarke rests her head on her shoulder as they walk. “I’ll guess it and when I get it right, you’ll have to be honest.” The artist states with such determination that Lexa can’t help but grin, her heart thudding softly against her ribcage.

“That was the deal.” She mumbles, it’s nearly a whisper. She doesn’t know why it comes out like that, why it sounds like some shared secret or confession. She can only blame it on the lack of sleep and Clarke always being so damn beautiful.

“You really don’t think I’ll figure it out.” Clarke’s head leans up to look at her and Lexa’s breath hitches when she turns to meet her gaze, realizing just how close they suddenly are.

They stop at the doors to the small breakfast diner Clarke had been leading them too. “I know you won’t figure it out,” because you haven’t already.

 

***

 

“Lexa please stop texting for two minutes.” Anya snatches the phone from Lexa’s hands and the brunette frowns deeply, staring after it as the older sister tosses it onto her bed. “Listen to me and you can have it back.” Anya is pointing at her, nearly poking her finger into her chest.

“Fine,” Lexa sighed, shoving her hands into her pockets as her eyes moved from her sister to the phone now lying on her bed. She could just bolt for it, take it and run.

“Look at me and not at the dumb app device.” Anya’s voice is stern, and Lexa does as she’s told, meeting her sister’s eyeline.

Lexa frowns. “Stop. What?”

“You are coming to the club with us tonight. It’s Sunday, you need a break from all that ridiculous studying, so you’re coming.” It’s not a question, it’s a demand, one Lexa knew she’d be getting eventually. She’s still not prepared for it, as Lexa averagely dreads parties, mostly because it’s not quite her environment.

“I don’t have a fake ID.” She comments, knowing that excuse won’t work, but she’s only got a few months left to use it, so she might as well.

“Don’t worry about that, Costia knows a guy.” Anya waves her hand dismissively at Lexa’s excuse before crossing her arms along her chest and staring her sister down. She’s definitely not getting out of this one.

So, Lexa opts for putting it off as long as she can in hopes her sister may get bored of trying to convince her. That hardly ever works as well. She knows she’s going to agree eventually, if not for any other reason than to please her sister and spend time with her. “Who lets people in that shouldn’t be in?”

Anya only glares at her after that one. “You’re not getting out of this, you’re coming out and you’re going have fun.” She states matter-of-factly.

Lexa pouts even though she knows she’s already been defeated in this fight. “An, you know I hate crowded places with loud music.” She juts out her bottom lip and goes for her best pouty face, fluttering eyelashes and sad eyes, her last weapon.

“You had fun at the last party?” Anya tries to reason, suddenly avoiding her gaze as to not be affected.

She even drops her voice an octave, sounding more innocent. “Can’t we just go see a movie or something?”

Anya huffs, seeming resistant to Lexa’s pout, which normally isn’t the case. This is Lexa’s best weapon. “Lexa this is what everyone wants to do, and you have to admit, you always have fun when you come. It’s good for you, breaks you out of your shell a bit. Please come, for me? I’ll stay by your side all night.” Anya steps into her sister’s face and gives her a pleading look.

Lexa glares at her, a sigh escaping on it’s own. “Fine, but only for you and if I want to leave after an hour you have to let me.” She states in defeat, still pouting at having lost even though she knew she was going too.

“Okay, deal. I promise, I’ll let you leave after an hour.”

“Can I have my phone back?” She grumbles.

Anya rolls her eyes. “Fine, you know, you’ve been real annoying with that thing lately. Who are you texting all the time?” She presses the cellphone into her sister’s out reached palm and Lexa grips it tightly, almost protectively.

“No one.” She says levelly, feeling bad about again having to lie to her sister.

She hopes she’s able to manage some kind of truce in the future that will make it where she never has to lie again. “Luna said you had a crush on someone.”

Lexa’s jaw clenches. Fucking Luna. “That bitch, I told her-”

“She didn’t say who. She told me what you said.” Anya interrupts, curving over the damage before it’s properly done.

Lexa lets out a breath, the last thing she needs is Luna running around and telling everyone she has a crush on her roommate when that in fact is not true… well Costia is very pretty and she has a small crush on her, but it certainly not who she’s been talking too. Not to mention if it ever got back to Costia herself she’d probably request a room transfer, or get Lexa kicked out for being a creep.

“So, who is it?” Anya breaks into her thoughts and she blinks a moment.

“No one.” She says again.

“Lex, come on.”

The brunette shakes her head, pushing off the desk she had been leaning on in the room. “It doesn’t matter, it’s probably not going to happen.” She states simply, because really, that’s the truth. As little of a lie as she can tell as possible is for the best, and with light of recent information, Lexa’s pretty sure it isn’t going to happen.

“But you want it to?” Anya asks breaking into her thoughts again.

Lexa doesn’t meet her sister’s eye. “Yeah.” She mumbles quietly, shuffling on her feet and feeling her cheeks heat up with the confession, her heart going crazy like Clarke is standing right next to her.

“Then go for it, I know you get shy about this stuff but Lexa you’re wonderful, whoever it is, she probably sees that and if it’s who you’ve been texting non-stop I think it’s safe to say she might return a little of those feelings.” Her sister encourages with a kind smile, touching her sleeve to get Lexa too look at her.

She feels a flush of guilt, Anya would say none of this if she knew who it was and maybe Lexa is being a terrible sibling for having the crush that she has, despite not being able to control it much. “It’s complicated.” She says tightly, and her sister gives her another sympathetic look.

“Isn’t it always? You’re not going to tell me huh?” Anya chuckles because she knows Lexa well, better than anyone. That fact only makes Lexa feel guiltier for having a crush on someone that her sister may never approve of, despite the plan to form peace… even if she does form peace, her sister would probably still be resistant to the idea.

“Not right now, I will though.” She tells her honestly, because she knows at some point she will because keeping secrets and lying to her sister is something she does, isn’t something she likes doing. Even the simplest of white lies make her feel terrible. She just needs to hold out until she can begin to form the truce.

“When?” Anya asks.

“Just… later. I promise.” The brunette mutters not meeting her sister’s eyeline again, wishing she could tell her now, wishing things weren’t as messy for her sister, for Clarke.

“Okay.” Anya holds her hands up. “Want to help me pick out an outfit for the night?”

“Actually, I have to be somewhere before you drag be off to the club tonight, I’ll meet you back here around eight?” She looks to her sister again, shoving back her thoughts and feelings of guilt and focuses on the task at hand.

“Yeah, we’re leaving at eight thirty though.” Anya informs her.

“I know, I love you.” Lexa kisses her sister’s cheek and makes her way toward the exit to her sister’s dorm room.

“Lex,”

“Yeah?” The brunette turns to look at her sister.

Her gaze is soft and encouraging, the same backbone she’s always been for Lexa growing up, despite her own struggles. Lexa loves her, more than anyone. “I still think you should go for it.”

Lexa smiles at her sister. “Maybe I will.” She says before exiting her dorm room and quickly walks toward the exit of the building.

 

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says with a huff, dropping onto the table beside the blonde who’s buried in a textbook rather than her normal art supplies. She startles out of her reading, looking up to meet Lexa’s eyeline with a small curious cork to her brow. “I can’t stay long, only tell a bit after seven.”

“Why?” Clarke’s bottom lip juts out and Lexa’s heart flips… She wants her to stay.

“Anya’s dragging me to that new club.” Lexa wrinkles her nose up at the impending torture, the suffocating air, outrageous number of drunk people, too many bodies, music so loud it cracks her skull. She’ll probably never understand the appeal of clubs.

“Oh, I have a friend who works there!” The blonde says excitedly, lighting up like a firework. Lexa can’t help but smile at her briefly before shaking her head.

“Of course you do, you have friends everywhere.” Clarke chuckles as Lexa rolls her eyes and adjusts in her seat. “So if you want to draw, get started now.” She commands simply, making sure she’s comfortable enough to sit in the same position for a while.

“Yes ma’am.” Clarke mock salutes before she’s shoving a textbook back into her bag and pulling out her normal art supplies. “I’ve been thinking about some more flirting tactics for you to use, wanna hear?”

“Sure.”

“Well, you say you have trouble with words, but the thing is you’re really sweet Lexa. Just say whatever comes to your mind, even if you think it’s too much.” Clarke slides close to her, pressing up against her side as she lightly grips Lexa’s jawline to re-position it the way she wants it. Lexa thinks she stops breathing at the contact and hopes she isn’t blushing profusely, she’s getting more used to Clarke’s touches as she seems to be somewhat of an affectionate friend. “But also, I was thinking of all the hints you’ve been able to drop so far and I thought maybe you might want something more personal? As you really like this girl and if things aren’t working out there’s two issues… one, she’s not interested which means she’s certifiably insane, or two, she’s not picking up the hints. So maybe if we approach this with a more… personal touch, she’ll pick up?”

“Personal touch?” Lexa quirks an eyebrow curiously, fighting the urge to turn her head while Clarke is still studying her figure and figuring out how she’d like to draw her today. Lexa wonders when she’ll get tired of drawing her, as you can only spend so long on one subject before it becomes boring.

She dreads that day. “Yes, show her you’re interested by listening. Ask her questions and remember her answers so that you can bring them up later. Personal things, like if she has any siblings or what her favorite hobby is, incorporate it into you’re flirting. I think it might help.” The blonde shrugs.

“How?” Lexa furrows her brows together as she takes in Clarke’s words, trying to form an example in her own head of how that may go.

“Hmm, tell me something personal Lexa and I’ll try and show you.”

“Personal?” Lexa fidgets slightly, the briefest touch of panic entering her chest, her jaw clenching tightly. She doesn’t even realize she’s clenching it until Clarke’s fingers are touching at the base of her jaw lightly, caressing her features as if to try and relax her. “Not super personal, whatever you’re comfortable with telling me okay.” She mumbles softly and comfortingly, and Lexa’s heart is off on that high-speed chase again. She thinks maybe she’s forgotten how to breathe as well.

Lexa nods lightly, not looking at her and instead at her own hands. “Um… I came out at sixteen, my dad didn’t like it.”

“Fourteen, my mom pretends I’m not bisexual as much as possible. But she still tries to support me the best she can.” Lexa turns to look at Clarke who’s barely started to draw her, eyes solely and completely focused on her and she can feel the blush surfacing under the scrutiny.

“I have a little brother.” She whispers quietly, for some reason opening up feels harder than she thought it would. It’s easy to talk about Clarke, it’s easy to want to get to know Clarke… but for some reason talking about herself feels like trudging up a large mountain in a blizzard.

“How old is he?” Clarke asks, setting aside her art supplies and focusing on Lexa.

She’s gotten this amount of attention from the blonde before, but it never fails to make her begin to blush. “Nine, he’s biological to my parents though, miracle baby.” She mumbles softly, looking away from Clarke and down at her tangled hands.

Clarke’s hand comes to rest atop of her knee, and Lexa glances at it briefly. The touch surging a warmth in her body that makes her want to shudder. She staves it off. “Kind of a miracle that they got you too.” Clarke’s other hand combs through the side of her hair, brushing back wavy brown strands behind her ear, fingertips lightly grazing her earlobe and she nearly shivers, breath catching in her throat. “I’m an only child, must be nice to have sibling to look out for.” Clarke’s eyes are boring into her own when she looks into them. Lexa thinks she does shudder after that.

“Yeah,” Lexa breathes, entranced in deep blue eyes. “It is.”

“On behalf of all girls we’re pretty lucky you like girls.” Clarke’s head falls to the right slightly and Lexa thinks she’s can’t remember how to breathe properly because her chest is starting to ache and burn, her lungs needing oxygen. “Tell me something else, I like hearing about your life.” Clarke fingers still flitting through her hair softly, playing with the end of the strands, the hand on her knee squeezing slightly as if to comfort her but all it does is set Lexa on fire.

“This is personal flirting?” She chokes out after a moment of silence, lungs begging for air and the blush surfacing to take over her features obviously.

“It is, very effective, your blush is so cute.” Clarke’s fingertips lightly graze Lexa’s cheekbone. “You have the most gorgeous features.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa isn’t sure if Clarke’s affectionate touch is real or not, all she knows is she isn’t sure how much longer she can take of the proximity and attention before she does something stupid, like grab Clarke’s face and kiss very hard.

She wishes it to be real and not a lesson. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Sure you can, in a way, you already do it. You’re interested, so all the stuff you say is going to be true, it shows her you’re not playing games, in a way. I try to avoid the… personal approach, usually I don’t need to.” Clarke shrugs, her eyes are a shade darker than they normally are and Lexa wonders if she feels anything similar to what Lexa is feeling inside of her chest, her heart beating crazy and loud she’s sure Clarke can hear it.

“Isn’t the personal approach just kind of… the same as all the other stuff?” Lexa asks shakily, Clarke’s touch is still on her, still distracting and she’s trying hard to ignore it, but she can’t.

“It is, just, more intense.” Clarke’s touch vanishes from her as she lets a little space fall between them. “Almost always gets you a make out session though.” Lexa isn’t sure if she’s relieved or disappointed at the distance, perhaps it’s possible to feel both things at once.

“You know that’s not what I-”

“Yeah, yeah I know. You want to get to know her, blah, you’re so adorable it actually makes me sick.” Clarke giggles adorably, holding onto the edge of her notebook rather tightly when she looks back up at Lexa, eyes taking her in before she focuses back in on the drawing she had started.

Lexa thinks she may die of a gay heart attack before she ever manages to get anywhere with this truce.

 

***

 

“Hey Lex, so you’re coming with us?” Costia asks as Lexa comes through the door, her eyes light and a happy smile on her face.

“Yep, Anya begged me.” The brunette sighs, throwing her bag down on her bed and moving toward her dresser to sift through club appropriate clothing.

“It’s cute the way you two do almost everything for each other, if I had any siblings I’d want to have that kind of relationship with them.” Costia admits from her place behind Lexa and the brunette only nods in acknowledgement that she heard her as she pulls out a few clothes.

She glances over at Costia who’s applying lipstick in the mirror across the room. “Oh, you don’t have any siblings?” She asks and Costia pops her lips together before looking at her through the reflective glass.

“No, I used to have a brother, but he died a few years ago.” She says softly and Lexa’s heart plummets a little at the news.

She frowns sadly. “Oh, wow, I’m sorry.” She mutters sincerely, gripping her clothes and walking toward the bathroom.

“It’s okay. Anya tells me you both have a little brother.” Costia turns from the mirror to meet her gaze as Lexa is passing her and the brunette stops to finish their conversation before she throws herself into a routine to look somewhat presentable for a club she doesn’t want to go to.

Lexa nods. “Yep, Aden.”

“Are you close with him too?” Costia seems to step closer to her but Lexa doesn’t take much notice of it, eyes on the thread of the shirt in her hands as she fiddles with the hem of it.

She nods again. “Yes, we’re all very close. He’s only nine though, so we don’t get to see him as much and he misses us.” Lexa smiles slightly at the thought of her brother and decides that she will call him soon to make sure he’s doing okay.

“I bet he does. You both are pretty wonderful, I bet he’s wonderful too.” Costia is gazing at her in a way Lexa doesn’t really understand when she looks up, but she shakes the feeling off and takes a step backward toward the bathroom.

Lexa smiles. “He is.” She says softly before making her exit to the shared room, closing the door to get ready for the inevitable dreaded night of noise and dancing and alcohol.

 

 

The club is loud and full to the brim and Lexa hangs out in the booth that her group had chosen rather than dancing. She has been here forty-five minutes and she kept glancing at the clock on her phone, waiting tell she could leave. She thought about texting Clarke but decided she would wait until she could leave to ask her to meet at the hill again.

“You know, your hour will restart if you don’t actually try to have fun.” Anya slumps into the booth beside her sister, giving her a stern look that makes Lexa groan out loud, throwing her head back against the cushion.

“Why do I have to dance?” She whines in a child-like manner, her bottom lip jutting out as she begins to pout. She doesn’t exactly want to be here, her mind on the hill and what conversation her and Clarke would be having right now if she was there. She wonders what Clarke is doing right now, the urge to text her again surfacing and bubbling forcefully in her gut.

“You don’t, at least drink something?” Anya asks with pleading eyes again and Lexa frowns.

“I don’t want to, tomorrow’s Sunday and-”

“Exactly, the perfect time to let loose. You have no classes tomorrow, come on Lex.” Anya pushes a shot of something the others had been drinking toward her and she glared at it a moment.

She leaned forward and in a quick motion downed the liquid, letting the contents burn down her throat and make her eyes water. She wanted to cough, since she wasn’t that used to drinking but she managed to avoid the tickle. “That a girl, now drink the other one.” Anya pointed to the second one as well, leftover from the round that the group had bought, the shots Lexa had avoided up until now.

“Why-”

“We got two rounds and only yours are left, drink it.” Anya states softly, glancing at the small glass encouragingly. She wants her sister to let loose, Lexa knows that. She knows Anya just wants her to have fun with her, part of it is because Anya fears she leave, no matter how many times Lexa tells her she won’t. She’s still afraid of it.

“You’re supposed to be looking out for me, not getting me drunk.” She teases with a light smile gracing her lips slightly.

Her sister chuckles amusedly. “Getting you drunk is looking out for you. Come on, you’re with friends and me, you’re safe, I promise.” Anya squeezes her sister’s upper arm encouragingly and eggs her on with a big smile.

Lexa lets out a soft sigh and grabs the other shot glass, looking down at the bronze liquid a moment before shooting it back. This time she does cough, and Anya is smiling warmly at her. She doesn’t really do this very often, more focused on taking care of everyone else instead of being someone that must be taken care of.

As the alcohol is settling in her stomach the phone in her hand in her lap vibrates, and she pulls it toward her to look at it.

Clarke (9:15 P.M.): I see you :P

Lexa’s head shoots up from her phone as she glances around the club, looking for a flash of blonde hair just as Anya’s coming back from grabbing her another drink, not a shot this time, thank god. She grips it as Anya falls into the booth next to her again and her eyes roam.

They stop at the bar, Clarke is there, a very short and tight black dress on her body, talking to the bartender who must be the friend she had been talking about. He’s laughing at something she says, and she’s got a smile at the corner of her mouth from what Lexa can see and god she looks gorgeous.

“I know that look, where is she.” Anya chuckles, eyes suddenly roaming the area as if to search out the source of pretty girls that Lexa must have noticed. She knows her sister too well, and while Anya’s eyes roam Lexa fears that she will see Clarke at the bar, as it is Clarke sort of stands out, her beauty is bright like the sun and Lexa is drawn to her warmth, even across the room.

“What?” Lexa croaks, clearing her throat. She takes a drink but that helps none and she winces at the taste.

“Can’t you get something light?” She complains, pushing the glass away from her onto the circular table as her sister’s eyes move back to her, giving up on her search for whomever Lexa must have been looking at.

“So you can avoid getting even slightly drunk?”

“No, just tastes better.” Lexa crosses her arms along her chest in a pout.

Anya rolls her eyes. “I’ll go get you something else.” Anya snatches the drink from the table to steal a sip before bounding off back toward the bartenders. Somehow on the opposite side from where Clarke stands.

Lexa (9:21 P.M.): You look beautiful

She watches Clarke hold up her finger to the boy she’s talking too and look down at her phone, smiling but Lexa can’t exactly tell what smile it is from this faraway.

Clarke (9:22 P.M.): Thanks gorgeous, escape from your sister maybe we can dance?

Lexa bites her bottom lip and watches her head tilt up to talk to the boy again before she’s frowning slightly as the boy touches her hand, making her laugh. If Lexa were closer she could hear the sound of it. Suddenly she’s downing the strong liquid in the glass Anya had left until all that’s left is the ice.

“For someone who doesn’t like it, you sure drank that fast. Also mixing alcohol,” Anya wrinkles her nose for a second. “Try and stick to this drink for the rest of the night.” Anya gestures toward the glass full of something brightly colored in her hand.

“Can you get me more of this.” Lexa asks, clanking the ice in the glass.

“Lexa,” Anya’s about to protests but Lexa can feel the liquid edging into her consciousness. She feels warm and less stiff, though the loud music is still bothering her and pounding at her head. She flutters her eyelashes at Anya and her sister’s mouth shuts. “Fine.” She says softly, placing the glass of something that looks a bit fruity on the table.

Lexa avoids it and lets her eyes find Clarke again, she’s touching the guy’s arm this time and Lexa feels her jaw clench.

“Hey babe, wanna dance with me? You’ve been cooped up in the booth all night.” Costia is by her side suddenly and Lexa doesn’t know when she got there, but she smiles up at her roommate nonetheless, admiring how pretty she looks in her blue dress.

“Sure.” Lexa says immediately, gripping Costia’s hand just as Anya is coming back.

“You’re actually getting her up.” Anya looks incredibly shocked, staring at Costia with wide eyes.

The girl giggles brightly and the sound is lovely, she’s smiling from ear to ear, a slight blush on her cheeks, possibly from dancing, possibly from drinking. “I’m magical.” She winks and Lexa giggles at the sight.

“Gimmie.” Lexa reaches for the glass and Anya lets her take it, letting Lexa guzzle it down in front of her.

“Okay wait, slower Lexa. I said have fun, not get shit-faced.” Anya says cautiously, watching her little sister guzzle the liquid in front of her.

“It s’okay.” Lexa smiles brightly and grips Costia’s hand tighter, pulling her toward the dance floor. “You coming?” She shouts to her sister who shrugs and makes her way back to the dance floor as well.

 

 

Sometime later into the night, when Lexa is actually asking for water and she needs a break is she back at the booth, guzzling down on the bottle Costia had set in front of her before the girl is giggling and pulling it back slightly. “Not too fast.” She says sweetly and Lexa nods, listening to her pretty roommate. Tightening the lid on it before grabbing her phone.

Clarke (9:45 P.M.): No dance for me but a dance for Costia? :(

Clarke (9:57 P.M.): Lots of dancing for Costia

Clarke (10:01 P.M.): I’m glad ur having fun

Lexa (10:15 P.M.): Would have more fun with you

“Who you texting?” Costia asks curiously again, quirking a brow and trying to look.

Lexa clicks the power on her phone and giggles slightly. “The enemy. Where’s Anya?” She glances around the club for her sister but can’t find her, pouting slightly at that thought, the alcohol is warm and making her feel foggy and light.

“Over there, I’ll get her for you.” Costia moves to get up from the booth but Lexa grabs the girl’s wrist to stop her from leaving.

“Want more of this.” She gestures to the glass with the melted ice in it and Costia laughs.

“I can get that for you.” She pushes the water Lexa had been drinking more toward her. “Hydrate.” She winks again which makes Lexa giggle and hops up heading toward the bar. Lexa’s eyes follow her, examining her figure before glancing around the large room looking for Clarke again.

She frowns when she finds her, grinding on some girl she’s never seen before. The girl is whispering in her ear, tugging at her ear lobe and Lexa’s stomach flips with something that burns ugly in her chest. She frowns and Costia sets down the glass of alcohol she had requested in front of her, she guzzles most of it down.

“Let’s go back to dancing?” Lexa slightly begs, jutting out her bottom lip and fluttering her eyelashes at her pretty roommate, touching her hand.

Costia’s eyes look down at her palm, a small blush surfacing across dark skin and Lexa thinks she’s really so very pretty with all the flashing lights. Not the sun like Clarke, but maybe something as equally as powerful. “Sure thing,” Costia places her hand over Lexa’s and the brunette thinks maybe Costia is giving her a look of some kind, making a mental note to ask Clarke if you can tell if someone is into you based off one look.

She frowns when she thinks of Clarke again, glancing to her still dancing up on someone, Clarke’s lips are mingling with the girl’s now and Lexa could be sick. “Actually, you’re looking a little green, are you sure, maybe drink some more water.”

“No, more of this.” Lexa drinks the rest of the liquid in her glass and Costia lets out a soft chuckle.

“I’m definitely going to push aside my own hangover to take care of you in the morning.” She’s grinning from ear to ear when Lexa looks at her and it makes the brunette smile.

“Dance with me?” She flutters her eyelashes again and licks at her lower lip and Costia’s eyes drop to her mouth.

“Okay.” The girl says, gripping Lexa’s hand that is over and under her own tightly, tugging her up and back toward the dance floor where she dances a little closer than she had before. Lexa lets her, too drunk to care and too jealous to want her to stop.

 

 

Lexa is laughing as Costia’s unable to properly walk in her heels, tripping and nearly falling against the wall as Lexa catches her, very unsteady herself though she had opted for a less dressy outfit. “You’re kind of hot Lexa.” The drunk girl says as Lexa tries to keep herself and the other girl up.

Costia seems to try to be doing the same thing. “Hot.” Lexa clicks the “t” and watches as Costia’s eyes move to her mouth. They grow dark, studying it for a long time.

“Yeah.” She says breathlessly, and Lexa stomach turns pleasantly at the sound.

“No.” Lexa shakes her head. “My phone?” She panics slightly, patting at herself before Costia is laughing loudly in the dorm hallway, pulling out the key to their dorm room.

“Bag Lex,” She says, tugging at the strap that’s around Lexa’s shoulder.

“Oooh,” She laughs at herself and digs it out. The world is spinning enough and Costia’s unbalanced weight isn’t much help, but she wonders what Clarke is doing right now… that girl probably.

The thought makes her grimace.

Lexa (12:02 A.M.): Goodnight Clarke

She stares at her phone, stares as the message gets read, stares at it and stares at it until Costia is dragging her into the dorm room.

A message for her is not coming back and she suddenly only wants to sleep and maybe pee.

“Why the long face?” Costia slurs in front of her, turning around to grip her, hand reaching up to cup her cheek.

Lexa is frowning at her. “Crushes are stupid.”

Costia frowns, eyebrows knitting together as she tries to work through her own drunken thoughts to think about why Lexa would say something like that to her. “Why you say that?”

“They are.” Lexa huffs and drops her phone on the bed, breaking apart from Costia and making her way as wobbly as possible to the bathroom.

 

***

 

Why partying had sounded like a good idea to her sister and their friends was beyond Lexa’s knowledge, luckily, her own hangover wasn’t too bad despite how much she had drank the night before. Though the rest are under much less luck, except for Costia that is. As a result, they all planned an evening in that Lexa was just making an excuse to abandon.

They didn’t fight her much, having gone out with them the night before they let her go, and she was escaping to the hill, albeit a bit later than normal. But despite her being late Clarke was not there. She thought about texting her, but she hasn’t received a text all day, despite having sent one off asking how she was.

Clarke seemed to be ignoring her and she didn’t know why exactly. Perhaps she was mad because Lexa was unable to escape and dance with her? Though she seemed fine to the brunette, replacing her lack of a dance partner with someone else. Someone she more than likely slept with, or maybe she didn’t and Lexa’s being unfair, jumping to conclusions. Even if she did, it was none of Lexa’s business who Clarke sleeps with and who Clarke doesn’t sleep with.

She opts for the ground instead of the bench to sit on, without Clarke here it feels like a safer option and curls up, pulling her knees to her chest and placing her arms around herself, resting her chin on her knee to watch the sunset. It’s not the same without Clarke’s pencil scratching along paper beside her.

Maybe Clarke isn’t avoiding her, she was there last night so perhaps Clarke had only partied too much and has spent the day resting? Lexa could look at her socials, though she lacks following them, but she tries to avoid them, just in case. Plus, she’s sure that’s creepy stalker level and she’s not about to enter that zone.

She’s just learning how to flirt normally.

She lets out a soft sigh and lets her eyes flutter shut, hoping Clarke will show soon but eventually the sun is gone and Clarke has still not arrived. Leaving her alone on the hill.

She leaves early, feeling confused and a bit sad. Why didn’t Clarke tell her she wouldn’t be able to come? That seemed to be what they do? It’s daily unless they have a prior engagement and they tell each other if that’s the case… maybe Lexa only assumed that was the routine, maybe the importance of the hill and what it meant to Lexa had very little importance to Clarke. Or maybe she only viewed it differently.

Lexa isn’t sure what’s wrong, she only knows that she stumbles into her sister’s dorm room, making the excuse that she doesn’t feel good to snuggle up beside her in bed and turn on Harry Potter.

 

***

 

“Ah baby Woods,” Raven tuts, leaning against the counter in the room as Lexa enters. There’s no light on, except for the brightness of the machines and a lamp at the edge of the desk that’s so dim it doesn’t make much of a difference.

Lexa groans at hearing her, seeing her there, knowing that at three in the morning Raven really wasn’t someone she was interested in running into. She doesn’t even stay in this building so what was she doing here? “I’m really not in the mood for you right now.” She states coldly, voice hard and rough as she walks past her toward the vending machine.

“Makes two of us.” Raven fires back, voice equally as hard, though it’s not as sharp. Her tone is almost amused despite the hardness and all it serves to do is irk at Lexa’s nerves a bit more.

“What are you even doing in this hall all the time?” She snaps, turning away from the vending machine to meet the eyes of Latina. She’s definitely amused, soft brown orbs alight with mischief.

“I may or may not be hooking up with someone within your ranks.” At that Lexa quirks a brow curiously, eyebrow shooting up to her hairline.

Raven just giggles in amusement. “You annoy me so much.” She states after a moment, voice still hard and sharp as she turns away from the girl to stare at the vending machine options.

“Feisty,” Raven pulls herself up onto the counter, her braced leg hanging down while she folds the other one under her. “What are you doing up so late?” Raven asks after a moment of uncomfortable silence expands between the two of them.

“Can’t sleep.” Lexa lets her dollar get sucked up by the machine in front of her as she contemplates an option further.

“You seem upset.” The Latina observes curiously, studying her as if she’s something of interest.

“I’m fine.” Lexa bites unconvincingly, choosing a water and impatiently waiting for it to dispense. Once it does, she snatches it out almost aggressively and rips the lid off.

“Yes, you seem very fine and not destructive in the slightest.” Raven cackles, she’s so amused and Lexa grumpily doesn’t understand how she’s constantly in a state of amusement and humor.

“What do you want?” Lexa snaps crankily, tightening the lid back on the water and placing it on the counter, meeting Raven’s eye.

Raven frowns at her. “You know I don’t hate you right?”

“Funny way of showing it.” Lexa grumbles leaning against the counter on the opposite side of Raven and staring at her, eyes heavy and tired though she can’t seem to catch a wink of sleep.

“It’s all a big joke. Albeit, I was a little bit of a dick the other day at the coffee house but that didn’t really have anything to do with you… Clarke’s been…” She cuts off meeting Lexa’s eye and then looks down at her hands folded in her lap.

“Clarke’s been what?” She asks curiously, perking up at the sound of the blonde’s name automatically.

“No offense, but I can’t exactly tell Anya’s sister that.” The girls chuckle with further amusement and Lexa finds herself rolling her eyes.

“I don’t tell Anya everything… I’m here to keep her out of drama, not cause it.” Her voice is still hard despite wanting the information that Raven seems to have. She can’t seem to help her curiosity when it comes to Clarke, its always expanding and after being ignored all day, it would be nice to find some explanation.

“She’s just been weird, and she won’t talk to me. Gets on my nerves when she gets like that, we’ve been through a lot together. Hate it when she shuts me out. Does it to everyone though.” Raven huffs as she looks down at her shirt, her hands playing with the hem of it as if the threads of it are more interesting than anything else.

“Does she?” Lexa ask curiously.

Raven laughs. “How much do you know about Clarke? I’m guessing nothing outside of the things Anya’s mutters about her, which mostly is just ridiculous by the way.” Raven rolls her eyes at that and Lexa wants to fight her, insist that she knows Clarke a little bit more, she knows her as much as Clarke is letting her know. That she likes her, that she wants to continue to get to know her.

She says none of that. “How did it start?” She asks instead.

“The feud?” Raven questions obviously.

Lexa simply nods before muttering a soft “yeah” in reply.

“Anya and Clarke were roommates or… lived in the dorms next to each other or something, one was loud the other wasn’t. Anya got Clarke kicked out of her dorm after Clarke slept with this girl Anya was into, I guess it just spiraled from there.” Raven shrugs, seeming as if she either doesn’t know much or really never cared about it much.

That doesn’t exactly help Lexa, but it’s more than Lincoln knew. “Really?” Lexa huffs slightly, eyebrows furrowed as she tries to think it through. “That’s it?” She asks to make sure Raven has given her all the information she has or knows about the topic at hand.

The girl chuckles. “I don’t know the full story. I just know Clarke’s my best friend, and no matter how pretty the person is that’s being mean to her, I’ve got her back.” She states simply, her voice is sharper this time, determination and steel behind her words.

Lexa catches one thing in her statement that has her smirking at the girl across the room. “You think Anya’s pretty?” She teases lightly, feeling the grin get wider as Raven blushes.

“I think Anya’s very pretty.” Raven grins widely as well. “You can tell her that, I don’t care. I’ve told her that.” She shrugs and looks down at her shirt again, cheeks still flushed with the slight blush of embarrassment.

“She thinks you’re pretty too.” Lexa offers up softly and watches how it makes Raven perk up almost too eagerly.

“Oh, does she?” She nearly squeaks, and Lexa bites her tongue as too not laugh out loud.

“She has a hard time admitting it.” She informs her.

“Maybe I’ll remember that.” Raven hops off the counter. “You’re not so bad to talk to you know?” The Latina smiles brightly at her and Lexa feels her mood lift slightly at her words, for a reason unknown to her.

“I’ve been told.” She teases and watches Raven chuckle.

“See you around baby Woods.” She winks, and Lexa is frowning again.

“Please stop.” Raven cackles and disappears out of the room, down the hallway to whatever dorm room she was sleeping in. Lexa grabs her water and untightens the lid to take another gulp of it before chuckling to herself and making her way back to her dorm room.

 

***

 

Lexa isn’t even sure Clarke’s going to show up with how weird she’s been. And judging by her conversation with Raven last night, it’s not only Lexa she’s been weird with… so perhaps it has nothing to do with her at all. That thought only makes her worry slightly about the blonde, wondering what must have upset her recently that’s put her in such a distant and confusing mood.

Or maybe it is Lexa, Lexa advancing too strongly, Lexa hinting too much at her own feelings after Clarke has told her she’s not exactly into dating. Maybe this is all Lexa’s fault and she needs to just put an end to what she’s doing. Sure, it’s always been risky, but isn’t it worse now, knowing how Clarke feels on the subject?

Sure, she’s dated before, and she must have gotten hurt, Lexa has no idea what happened but whatever it was, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s most likely not interested, despite the signals and confusing touches. So, Lexa needs to take a softer approach, a less aggressive one. Kind words that ebb on their friendship rather than hinting at feelings that might involve something more, even if Clarke always makes her heart race, she can put that aside, especially if it’s impossible for Clarke to feel the same thing.

Perhaps her step back needs to be more like ten, even if Lexa doesn’t exactly want things to be that way. The more she’s gotten to know Clarke recently, the more she wants to know Clarke. No amount of information and time with Clarke is enough and she’s willing to place aside the original plan for something a lot simpler. If it’ll make Clarke more comfortable with her.

All day it’s been unanswered messages and avoiding eye contact through Indra’s class, so she must have done something. And Lexa can think of no other thing she’s done other than advancing too much, too fast. After all, what did Clarke tell her about seeming too interested… it can be overwhelming, and Lexa’s sure it’s nothing but for someone who doesn’t want to date at all.

Lexa lets out a long, exasperated sigh as she checks the time on her phone, guessing that half past five is long enough to wait, and shoves her textbooks into her bag before shutting down her laptop and getting ready to put that away.

A hand on her shoulder stops her, making her jump slightly and glance up at the person that’s the very center of her thoughts. “Hey, where are you going?” Clarke asks with an amused expression, one eyebrow quirking up.

Her touch falls away and Lexa swallows and glances away from her. “Didn’t think you were coming.” She says with a slight clench to her jaw, choosing not to look at Clarke just in case she can see her feelings expressed through her gaze. This situation requires a delicate approach and being upset that Clarke has now decided to show up is not the approach Lexa means to take.

Clarke sits beside her, she looks untroubled despite her pretty much ignoring her all day and Lexa wants to ask about it, wants to ask where Clarke’s been, what she must have done but she doesn’t. She bites her tongue because it’s not her place to ask, because it’s not right of her to make Clarke feel bad for not talking to her. It’s her own fault for assuming that her and Clarke meet on the daily, that her and Clarke talk daily. It’s her own fault for assuming those things, after all, Clarke has promised nothing. “Why wouldn’t I come? It’s Thursday and we have a deal remember.” The blonde has that smirk on her face, it’s not touching her eyes when she glances at her and Lexa bites her cheek to keep the questions at bay.

When she finally releases her cheek, she takes in a breath and looks away from Clarke again, who’s doing nothing but mainly staring at her. “You’re late.” Her voice is too hard, a bit strained from holding back the questions on the tip of her tongue.

“A little, got held up. I’m a bit worried for this project, you think Indra will want a group presentation? I hate group presentations.” Clarke must scoff at the thought as she rummages with her bag, pulling out a few items and getting distracted with setting up.

Lexa frowns and shrugs her shoulders, pulling things back out of her bag as well and re-booting her laptop.

“Lex?” Clarke’s touch is on her upper arm, and Lexa stops what she’s doing to turn and meet her gaze.

She’s looking at her in that unreadable way, almost like she’s begging for something, or asking for silent permission but Lexa doesn’t get it… she doesn’t understand what’s happening and any sane person would just ask but Lexa is too afraid to. To unsure of where she stands at all, already assuming she’s done something wrong, she’s not looking to cross anymore lines.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asks her, and Lexa almost laughs.

But she doesn’t. “Yeah, why?” She tries to offer her a small smile, but Clarke is looking at her with gentle concern and she doesn’t understand it. It’s almost as if it’s been Lexa acting weird all day, when the brunette has been certain it’s been the other way around.

“You seem quiet.” Clarke says gently, eyes soft and searching. She’s so pretty, even when Lexa’s slightly frustrated and confused.

Lexa rolls her eyes. “I’m always quiet.”

“Different quiet.” Clarke slides closer to her. “I’m sorry I was late.” Her touch filters through the side of Lexa’s hair and the brunette nearly melts as Clarke’s fingertips caress her earlobe. “I should have texted. I’ve just been busy.” Clarke’s voice is so gentle and soft and so close to her ear and Lexa is turning into a puddle.

She’s far too gay to handle this kind of affection. “It’s okay.” Lexa mumbles quietly. “I’m not mad.” She assures, and Clarke smiles softly at her, her blue eyes lighting up beautifully with it.

“Good, don’t think I could stand you being mad at me.” Clarke’s grinning widely, her touch still shuffling through Lexa’s hair lightly and Lexa is trying her hardest to not let her body react every time Clarke manages to skim her earlobe.

She thinks maybe she’s succeeding as Clarke hasn’t seemed to take notice.

Lexa smiles lightly, and glances down at the notebook she’s holding onto, she lets it fall onto the table. “Let’s study.” She says and hears Clarke groan beside her.

The blonde shakes her head before she lets it fall back like Lexa has just mentioned she’d like to drag her through a pit full of zombies for the evening. “Let’s skip, go to the hill.” She perks back up hopefully.

“Nope. We did that last week.” When she looks at Clarke the blonde is giving her that puppy dog look, her bottom lip jutting out as if trying to convince her, it’s adorable but it also makes Lexa laugh. “You aren’t getting out of it this time.” She confirms, and Clarke’s expression melts away into defeat, cute defeat.

“Boo, fine.” Clarke playfully huffs beside her and unpacks the rest of her things.

 

***

 

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Lexa says once they’re comfortably sat on the bench on the hill. Clarke’s normal sketchpad in her lap and half-done drawing on the paper.

“Sure.” Clarke mumbles and when Lexa looks at her she is briefly distracted watching the furrow of her brows as she draws. She’s fairly focused and Lexa thinks that maybe Clarke didn’t even hear her right.

“What happened with you and that Finn guy you mentioned?” Lexa’s voice is quiet as she asks it, somehow knowing that in a moment like this maybe Clarke will give into letting her in a bit more. But also she’s cautious as Clarke is no longer seemingly ignoring her.

“Phew, when you said personal you meant personal.” Clarke puffs out her cheeks and lets out a breath, though her eyes don’t remove from the drawing, her hands moving as she continues to create another picture of Lexa, bringing her to life in a way Lexa only wishes she could appear.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want, I was only asking. I understand if you aren’t comfortable.” The brunette bites her bottom lip, desperate as to not scare Clarke away again. She still isn’t quite sure what she had done to warrant her distance but she’s hanging onto the hop that maybe it wasn’t her and it had to do with something else and that maybe someday, Clarke would be willing to open up to her a bit more.

Clarke lets out a soft sigh. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago. Let’s just say, it’s been hard… connecting with people since him.” The blonde shakes her head, eyes still trained on the drawing in her lap. Lexa wonders if it’s because she’s in the zone or because she wants to avoid eye contact when sharing personal information with the brunette. She perhaps thinks it could be both.

“Did he hurt you?” She asks softly, feeling something hard and protective come over her, often in the way she gets with Anya or Aden, though it feels a bit differently. A piece of her can picture Clarke, young and in love and happy, and then she can see the opposite, sad and lonely and heart broken, and Lexa only wants to wrap her up and protect her from things that would harm her.

“You could say that, in a way.” The blonde huffs again.

“Why did you decide not to date after him?” Lexa knows she’s testing her luck, but she’s trying to learn as much as she can about Clarke in the limited spaces that Clarke will let her, and the blonde is letting her right now so she’s not about to waste the opportunity.

“Dating is hard, messy. Two people, lots of feelings, different emotions, personalities. It was always stressful with Finn, I guess I just associate dating with something that doesn’t make me happy.” Clarke shrugs and glances up from her drawing at last to meet Lexa’s soft and understanding gaze.

“You think that’s just because you haven’t dated someone that may be right for you.” She says bravely, watching as Clarke takes in her word, eyes shfting down to her mouth, back to her cheekbones, along the curve of her jaw and then her eyes again.

When Clarke is done looking at her, she laughs. “Maybe.” Her eyes are happy and glinting into Lexa’s own when she glances down and then back up from the drawing again and Lexa is pleased to not be shut out in this moment.

“Would you ever date again, you think?” She tries to not sound hopeful when she asks but she thinks her voice still cracks along the desire anyway.

“No.” Clarke says immediately, and Lexa tries to swallow the disappointment the best she can, only nodding briefly when Clarke looks up at her before she breaks their gazes apart to look out at the sun, fearing Clarke will read her too well if she can see her eyes. “Actually,” Clarke slides closer to her and Lexa looks at her. “I don’t know, I might.” She says softly, and Lexa’s voice gets caught in her throat.

Clarke is giving her that look again, she wishes she knew what that look meant. “You might?” She asks, and this time she can hear the hope in her voice. It’s unmistakable and she is incapable of masking it.

“Maybe. I guess saying I would never date again is a stretch. I think I might.” Clarke smiles softly at her and shudders her fingers through her hair again, grazing Lexa’s earlobe so she shivers slightly, unable to fight it this time.

She can tell Clarke notices, with the way her eyes are studying her, examining her features too closely, following her body movements. “Who would qualify to date the Clarke Griffin?” She manages to tease, despite the low octave of her voice.

Clarke’s eyes drop to her lips briefly and she wishes she had the courage and the permission to close the distance. “Stop being cute.” Clarke laughs. “I don’t know. Perhaps that’s information to be found in the future.” The blonde quirks and eyebrow at her and her touch falls away, gripping at her paper again.

“When you meet the person you’d date?” Lexa asks softly.

“Call me a romantic, but I kind of think I’m just looking for a soulmate. That way the messy, hard dating thing is just… I think easier when it’s someone that your meant to be with. I don’t know that’s probably stupid.” Clarke puffs out her cheeks yet again and blushes as she glances down and studies the unfinished drawing her lap.

Lexa frowns slightly. “No, it’s not.” Lexa lets out a soft breath. “That’s not stupid at all, never say that.” She doesn’t want Clarke to feel embarrassed. She thinks her view on it is kind of nice and she wants her to know that.

Clarke lets out a breath, a wide smile appearing on her face that touches her eyes. “There you go, being sweet again.” She leans into Lexa slightly to nudge her shoulder into Lexa’s and the brunette feels warm all over.

“It’s only natural.” She teases lightly, giggling slightly at Clarke’s delicate gaze.

“Thanks Lex,” She states simply.

“For?” She quirks a brow at her.

Clarke hand is on her knee, squeezing gently and Lexa feels her stomach flip and her pulse race at the contact. “Listening to me.” She nearly whispers, and Lexa has to swallow down her feelings, hoping Clarke can’t read her thoughts as she gazes into her eyes because looking away from her stare feels nearly impossible.

“Anytime.” Lexa places her hand on Clarke’s knee as well and squeezes slightly, the blonde’s breath catching briefly, and she thinks maybe Clarke will bolt away from her again, but then Clarke’s hand removes from her knee and is over hers, squeezing and Lexa’s heart is soaring in the air like a kite, she thinks maybe Clarke is the one guiding it in the wind.

 

***

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you; can you tell that someone likes you by just looking at you?” Lexa asks curiously as the descend down the hill, the thought popping up in her head as she remember her moment with Costia the other night.

“Did you get a look from “that” girl?” Clarke is grinning from ear to ear when she glances at her, but it isn’t touching her eyes. Lexa wonders why.

“Maybe.” She shrugs.

“What kind of look did she give you?” Clarke is gazing at her, where as it’s averagely Lexa staring at Clarke as they descend the hill, their roles seemed to have reversed for the evening, Clarke’s eyes have not left her, and Lexa has avoided meeting her gaze mainly to save herself from blushing like a fool.

“I don’t know, I’m asking for a reason.” She shrugs and kicks at a rock as they walk, watching it tumble down the hill faster than them.

“Well, I think so. There’s always a look. I mean, sometimes there might not be, but… there’s always a look eventually. Multiple kinds.” Clarke’s hand skims her and Lexa’s balls up into a fist to avoid reacting on impulse and just holding the blonde’s hand.

“How many?” She asks.

“Lots Lexa, humans are full of emotion and when it comes to hooking up and romance and all that junk, there’s always various looks fitting the mood and the emotions of that person.”

Lexa lets out a long sigh. “Not exactly helpful right now.”

Clarke laughs. “Stop,” She grabs Lexa’s arm, they’re halfway down the hill, the same spot where she had found Clarke’s pencil a couple nights before. Clarke’s blue eyes are glinting up at her in the streetlamps.

Lexa’s eyes drop to her mouth only briefly, but by Clarke’s eyes she thinks maybe she’s been caught anyway. “Describe the look to me that she gave you, try and sample it for me?” The blonde quirks her brow slightly, blue orbs running over Lexa’s features.

Lexa swallows and glances down as she tries to push through the foggy memories of the night before. Costia across the table from her, gripping her hand, she doesn’t remember the conversation. A look.

She glances up at Clarke and she stares at her for a long time, takes in the features of her face, the softness in her eyes, the gentleness of her small smile, the breeze pushing back her hair. Eyeliner smudged slightly in the corner of her right eye, maybe she had rubbed it on accident and has yet to look. Lips glossy but Lexa doesn’t know when she applied anything, she hadn’t seen it. That pencil behind her left ear, the point sticks out of her hair, the rest of it disappearing behind blonde strands.

She could look at Clarke forever, she’s so stunning and Lexa’s almost has the words on the tip of her tongue to explain that, but Clarke’s mouth is moving before she gets the chance. “Yeah, that’s a look.” Clarke chuckles in amusement.

“Hmm?” Lexa blinks, she had been more distracted looking at Clarke then trying to figure out how to explain what she saw the night before.

“If she’s looking at you like that, that’s a look.” Clarke states simply and Lexa can feel a blush take over her cheeks and consume her face.

“What kind of look?” Lexa wonders what Clarke sees when she looks at her, if it’s anything like what Lexa sees when she looks at Clarke.

“Like she wants to paint you.” Clarke tugs at her sleeve looking amused and light and happy, though there’s still something missing, something off with her smile in her eyes.

“Interesting example.”

“Shush, I live, eat, sleep, and breath art. It’s the best metaphor I got.” Clarke shrugs and glances down briefly at her shoes.

Clarke looks at her like that all the time… her heart skips. “What if she really does just want to paint me and nothing else?” Lexa quirks a curious brow, knowing the question is verging on very, very obvious territory. She hadn’t expected it to go this way, but she’s curious if Clarke will even notice.

“Is she an art student?” The blonde asks, kicking at the dirt below them instead of looking up, voice quiet than normal.

“Yeah.” Lexa admits, wondering if Clarke will get it this time.

“Of course she is. If she’s looking at you like that she wants to do more than paint you.” Clarke wiggles her eyebrows before breaking apart from her and she begins to descend the rest of the hill again.

“So that’s a good sign.” Lexa catches up, taking in a deep breath.

“Yes gorgeous, it’s a great sign. Don’t think you’ll be needing me much longer. Costia was all over you last night.” Clarke seems to say with a bite and Lexa is surprised, stopping Clarke as they’re almost at the edge of the hill.

“It’s not Costia.” She states with a hard tone, urging the blonde to believe her. She really doesn’t know how much more obvious she can be without blatantly saying it out loud. She wonders if even then Clarke would find some excuse… perhaps that just the way Clarke wants it.

“Come on Lexa, she’s an art student, she loves to paint. She’s always giving you those eyes I’ve seen it, and by the looks of the night before, you seem to want her too.” Clarke wrinkles her nose; her tone is louder than normal. That something in her eyes glinting and looking maybe irritated with her?

It makes Lexa’s stomach turn unpleasantly. “I told you I’d tell you if you guessed it right.” She says quietly, hoping to change the suddenly tense atmosphere back to what it had been before.

“Well I don’t believe you.” Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa doesn’t like how the mood has shifted at all, watching as Clarke begins to walk away from her and she feels like she’s missing something, like something needs to be said but she doesn’t know what to say and she doesn’t exactly know what she’s done to upset her. She just knows she wants to fix it.

“Wait,” Lexa stops her again, at the end of the hill. “I wouldn’t lie.” She tries to meet Clarke’s eyes, to silently convince her that she would never lie to her, that she’d tell her if it was Costia, but the fact of the matter is, it’s not Costia… it’s you.

“I guess I can understand why you want it to be private. I understand.” Clarke huffs slightly. “And Costia’s pretty I guess… I just…” Clarke looks at anything but her. “I don’t know.” She’s still upset, her eyebrows knitted together as she tries to think through the thoughts surfacing and running through her brain. She doesn’t know what she’s thinking but she wants to know.

So she pushes. “What?”

“It’s nothing, I’m sorry, I’m a bit tired.” Clarke deflates and looks down with a soft blush crossing her cheekbones. She’s embarrassed and whatever she’s feeling is running away with her.

“You’re not mad at me?” Lexa asks, willing her voice not to wobble slightly, wanting nothing more than to fix this.

“No.” Clarke says swallowing slightly. Lexa tries desperately to search for anything in her eyes and Clarke’s giving her that look again, that look that’s begging her to understand something, but she doesn’t know what it is and she can’t figure it out. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m getting a bit protective of you.” Clarke smiles but it looks sad. It’s missing in her eyes again, a mask going up that makes Lexa’s heart sink to her stomach.

She doesn’t want a mask. “Protective?”

“Yeah, we’ve… I feel like we’ve become pretty good friends and I just, want you to be with someone that respects you. I’m sure Costia does. I guess I just…”

“Clarke-”

“I’m a bit attached to you.” Lexa lets out a breath, Clarke’s eyes are so soft and sincere, and Lexa doesn’t know what it all means but she has lots of hope, hope that’s eating her up.

“Clarke the girl I like, she’s-”

“Forget it, you don’t have to tell me. It’s fine. I’m here to help you woo her, not know every detail of her life.” Clarke dismisses it, blinking her eyelids several times as if to will away whatever emotion had been unfurling in her chest.

“No, wait-”

“I’m in another art show next week, are you going to be there for class again?” Clarke interrupts her, eyes looking into her own again and there’s something there that tells Lexa she’d like her to let it go now, to move on and Lexa… not wanting to make things worse silently agrees. Nodding her head once and breaking her gaze away from Clarke’s.

Lexa smiles slightly, stepping into Clarke’s space and brushing blonde strands of hair behind the ear free of her pencil. “Wouldn’t miss it.” She says softly, looking into Clarke’s eyes as if trying to communicate and she can see a light blush surface on Clarke’s face, traveling across her cheeks. Deeper than before, staying despite her efforts to most likely get rid of it.

Clarke lets out a sigh. “I’ll see you there.” Clarke smiles brightly, the blush vanishing as she takes a step away from Lexa. “Goodnight,” She waves at her and starts walking off and Lexa watches her go, wondering what their conversation tonight even means.

What the hell is going through Clarke’s head? And when would even be a good time for Lexa to tell her? Would Clarke even want Lexa to tell her? Or maybe she doesn’t, maybe she already knows, and she fears it, maybe that’s what her eyes keep saying every time she gets that look… or maybe it really is something else entirely and Lexa is helpless to understand.

 

***

 

Clarke (11:15 P.M.): Goodnight gorgeous

Lexa stares at it for an unusual amount of time, curled up in her blankets and snuggling into all her pillows. She stares at it and feels her heart stutter going over the two simple words. She wonders if Clarke ever does this? It doesn’t seem like it’s something she would ever do, even if she was interested in dating.

With Lexa confused about the nights events she’s unsure of how to continue, only knowing that Clarke would date again is comforting. Knowing that Clarke maybe hasn’t washed it off the table and that maybe she even likes Lexa is comforting, though Lexa has her doubts. Clarke seems to be so complicated… maybe only because there are so many pieces of her that she doesn’t know yet and Lexa wants to know them all.

She thinks she’ll keep trying, she’ll continue with this ridiculous plan and see where it leads. See what she learns and discovers about Clarke since in the end that had been the main goal all along. She thinks she knows a lot more than she started out with. And even if it ends in Clarke telling her she’s not interested, at least from this she knows she’s developing a friendship she’d like to keep.

Even if friendship is often not on Lexa’s mind.

She hopes that it’s not exactly on Clarke’s either. She’s a bit confusing, but hadn’t she seemed a bit put out at the idea that it could be Costia? Isn’t that a sign of something? She sounded like Lexa felt the night before watching her make-out with some girl Lexa had never seen before. Or maybe it was all in Lexa’s head, maybe that was all only hope and she was only hearing what she wanted to hear?

She won’t exactly know until she works up the courage up to admit to Clarke who it is that she likes her and works up even more courage to ask if Clarke might like her too.

Lexa (11:32 P.M.): Goodnight Clarke <3