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My Heart is the Hardest to Break

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“So you’ve tried some of that stuff, how has it gone?” Clarke is again attempting a rough sketch of her jawline, her eyes are studying her in that thoughtful way, she almost looks frustrated, but Lexa knows it only has to do with the fact that Clarke is so particular.

“I think it’s working?” She says a little unsure, shifting slightly on the bench. The night is a little warmer than the others, a stagnant breeze makes it easier for Clarke to not have to hold down her paper while she draws.

“You think?” Clarke’s fingertips reach up to touch her jawline briefly, it’s as light as a feather, as if Clarke needs to touch to imprint her jawline to memory and then it’s gone again, and she’s erasing Lexa’s jawline to re-draw it.

“She seems… flirty. But I think that’s just her personality.” Lexa answers honestly, tangling her fingers together as she allows her gaze to shift briefly between the sunset and Clarke. Her hair is up today, a messy bun with strands of blonde falling out. Lexa likes it when she wears her hair like that, even if her fingers itch to lean over and tuck the loose strands of hair behind her ear.

“Don’t do that, be a little more confident Lexa. You are damn beautiful, she’d be stupid to not flirt with you regardless of her personality.” Normally when Clarke says stuff like this she’s meeting her eyes, looking incredibly serious which is something she rarely ever looks like unless she’s getting lost in the thoughts in her head. Lexa thinks she does this on purpose, so that Lexa actually believes her.

The brunette blushes but Clarke misses it this time, too invested in the drawing below her. “What else should I do, if that stuff might be working?” Lexa decides to ask, wondering what else Clarke would have to say about this. If she’s honest, she isn’t sure she has the guts to incorporate any of the things Clarke might say, but maybe she would.

“Hmm, give me a second, I’ve almost got this.” Lexa nods and watches as Clarke very slowly moves her pencil across the paper before she speeds up, and she looks somewhat pleased with the results of what she’s seeing. “It’s not perfect but it’s so damn close.” She lets out a soft sigh of what seems like relief and Lexa can’t help the smile that forms on her lips. “I would get it perfect if this was a painting, I’m always so much better with paint.”

Clarke is so interesting about her art, so particular. She never gives up either and Lexa wonders how deep that quality runs, or if it’s just for her art. “If she’s suggesting interest, and your flirting is working or seems to be, maybe trying asking her out?”

Lexa feels her heart stop. “Ask her out?” She squeaks and Clarke eyes part from the drawing below her to turn her amused stare on Lexa.

“Yeah, but casually, maybe get close to her, you know, like if you’re standing just take a step closer than you would if you weren’t interested, make eye contact, and ask her out. But make it cool and collected, you know, in a way you can quickly recover if it seems like she’s going to say no.” Clarke talks like this is clearly something obvious to do but Lexa’s never actually asked a girl out before.

She isn’t sure she could actually do it, especially now. “How would that look?” Lexa asks nervous at the very thought, a furrow to her brow and Clarke’s eyes seem to gleam in the sunlight.

She shuts her notebook and sets it aside. She tugs on Lexa’s sleeve to pull her from the bench so she’s standing, and Clarke places her pencil behind her left ear. “Stand here.” Clarke backs up from her a few feet as Lexa watches her curiously, obvious question in her eyes. “It looks just like this,” Clarke takes a step forward but it’s not abrupt, it almost looks natural, like she’s meant to be standing in Lexa’s space all along. Her eyes are twinkling, she definitely looks brighter than any sun Lexa has ever seen.

She can barely breathe with Clarke so close. “You want to catch a movie tomorrow?”

Clarke is staring at her like she’s waiting for her to actually answer. She’s about to but then Clarke seems to continue, looking nonchalant and easy-going as she slides a hand into her hair to brush back those stray blonde locks loose from her bun and Lexa finds it slightly distracting, wishing she could do that. “A group of us are going, you should come, it’ll be fun.”

She licks at her lower lip in thought, knowing Clarke has a tendency to watch the action. She again isn’t sure if it’s because Clarke is at all interested or if it’s just her artist brain because her left-hand twitches whenever she does it. “Is that asking her out?”

The blonde shrugs. “Pretty much, the only way you get that mixed up is if you want to mix it up.” Clarke’s eyes sparkle into her own and Lexa feels tense, she’s still so close and Lexa can smell her so well, that perfect mix between cinnamon and vanilla.

“Stand just like this?” Lexa asks nervously.

Clarke chuckles. “Just make sure you’re giving her all your attention, so she knows where your interests are. The last thing you want is to confuse your intentions, that could make a mess.”

“Right,” Lexa furrows her eyebrows together. “Confuse my intentions how?”

“Lots of ways to do that, you don’t want to seem too uninterested because she will think you really are, but you don’t want to seem overly interested because it could come off as too much. You need that perfect balance, good body language but smooth words.” Clarke’s right hand slips into the pocket of her jeans, the sunlight is placing a certain kind of halo around her and Lexa again thinks, if she could draw like Clarke, she’d have her own notepad. Because out of the two of them, it’s Clarke that’s the art.

“I am good at neither of those things.” She chuckles briefly, but again she can hear the nerves in it. She wishes it was easier to hide her emotions around Clarke, but something about her makes this easy even as she fights it.

Clarke laughs. “Sure you are, look at you.” Clarke’s eyes glance briefly down her body. “Maybe your worried about the words but you don’t have to. It’s going to be okay, just go for it.” Clarke takes a step further.

“Go for it…” Lexa holds in a breath and Clarke is smiling too widely again.

She’s looking at her so curiously, tipping her head to the side slightly and studying her. She looks so pretty, and Lexa has the urge to tell her but thankfully, she’s capable of holding some things in around her. “Or maybe you want her to go for it?”

Lexa looks away from her, down at her feet. “I don’t know.” She mumbles quietly.

“Sure you do, because I can work with that too. You want her to ask you out, probably because your shy huh?” Clarke is tugging on her sleeve briefly, to pull her attention back up and Lexa tries to tamper down the nerves that have increased by Clarke’s close proximity.

She smells so good; how does she smell this good? “A little.”

“And your afraid she’s not going to like you.” Clarke’s eyes are twinkling, and bright blue and Lexa could get lost in them.

She doesn’t answer her question.

“She’d be absolutely insane not to, but we can work toward that anyway. Try doing this, because this, though somewhat bold, can still be passed off as not meaning anything. Do this and she’ll know you’re interested, and if she’s interested maybe she’ll bite.”

“Okay, so try this.” She gestures between them, the small amount of distance that’s left.

Clarke tugs at her sleeve, “right,” She leads Lexa back to the bench and they climb back up onto it, Clarke flipping the notebook back open to the page she had been drawing Lexa’s face on. The quiet settles between them again, Clarke becoming enthralled with her project and Lexa becoming enthralled with her.

 

 

Lexa does this thing, this obvious, obvious thing when her and Clarke are walking down from the hill together after the sun has set. She has a fresh drawing in her hands, or at least one that had been started the day before but she’s not exactly looking at it because she knows she’s going to spend a long time gazing at it by the time she gets back to her dorm. No, the one very obvious thing she does that she’s probably been doing since she met Clarke, is staring at her. But it’s different than her other stares.

It’s one she’s not afraid to be caught with, mostly because she wants Clarke to know she’s looking even though it makes her nervous that Clarke is going to one day ask why, and she can’t exactly answer that honestly… but than again maybe she could? It would be the boldest thing she’s said to her of the last five days that they’ve been meeting on this hill.

Clarke interrupts her thoughts just as they’re reaching the end of the hill. “Before you go, I can’t meet tomorrow.”

“Oh?” Lexa keeps her eyes on Clarke even now, not letting them part. Maybe she should watch where she’s stepping more, as she’s bound to fall on her face at any time for spending too much time looking at her and not where she’s going.

“I’ve got the evening shift at the 24-hour café down the block. Normally I only work early mornings but, I’m filling in for a friend.” Clarke shrugs as she meets Lexa’s gaze, her eyes are bluer than they should be in the dark with only street lamps lighting their way.

Lexa wonders how they can always be so mesmerizing, even more so than the sun itself, or a sunset could ever be. “Oh okay. I didn’t know you worked at a café, what’s it called?”

Clarke smiles at her slightly. “The Ark, it’s right across the street from the new club Grounders.” They come to a stop at the end of the hill finally, Clarke’s eyes not leaving her own and Lexa thinks her heart could not beat any faster than when Clarke is looking into her eyes.

She frowns briefly, “oh, I haven’t heard of it.”

Clarke looks shocked for a brief second. “Everyone on campus goes… oh wait, you know what. Anya hates that place; her group doesn’t set foot there.” Clarke shrugs, eyes still not parting from her own as the realization dawns on her face.

Lexa is more distracted with her own thoughts of how beautiful Clarke can manage to be even in the light of street lamps it takes her a moment to ask; “Why?”

Clarke shrugs again. “I work there.”

Lexa’s eyebrows furrow together as she tries to think that over. Her sister really isn’t the type to avoid a place just because someone she doesn’t like very much works there. Something about this goes deeper than Lexa thought, and she’s bound to find out why because really, what other option does she have?

She could ignore it, but that would never help Anya. And the more she gets to know Clarke, the more she thinks a peace treaty between the two groups would also be good for her. She doesn’t seem to really like it anyway, the small frown she gets every time Lexa brings it up is indication enough. “Do you also avoid places Anya goes?” She asks curiously, gazing at Clarke’s expression, hoping for once that it’ll give her some kind of answer.

Clarke shrugs as she kicks dirt at the bottom of the hill, normally they part here as they have to walk opposite direction to get home.

Lexa finds that she doesn’t really feel like going home, or parting. “You ever think about… making peace?”

Clarke is grinning widely at her after that, she almost looks like she wants to laugh, like Lexa is telling the funniest joke she’s ever heard, but she doesn’t laugh. She shakes her head. “Have you ever talked to your sister about… why I avoid her, and she hates me?” Clarke’s got that casual smirk on her face, with a questioning brow raised and Lexa’s eyes follow the shape of it a moment before resting back on Clarke’s eyes.

“You don’t hate her?” She asks curiously, trying to find some information without actually prying too much.

“Oh no, she’s my nemesis, but hate… don’t they always say that’s a strong word?” Clarke is doing that smirk again, that wide one that doesn’t touch her eyes. Almost as if it’s her wall to hide behind. She wonders what happened in Clarke’s life that made her build that wall in the first place, who first made her want to hide.

She’d probably punch that person if she ever met them. “I haven’t asked, I try to avoid topics that stress her out.” She says honestly.

Clarke chuckles, but Lexa is learning quickly that she has different laughs too. This isn’t one of her better lighter laughs, it’s a façade... it’s so obvious now, after spending some time with her. It’s not real. “Well… I’m sure she has her own version of the story. It’s really almost funny do you want to hear it?” Her eyes are twinkling despite her walls being up, and Lexa loses herself for a second to gaze at them.

She almost sighs. “Yes.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you than, Thursday.” She giggles than as Lexa frowns at her, crossing her arms along her chest in a near pout because she’d like to know now, and Clarke had to do that on purpose… get her curious just to snap the information away.

The only good thing about this is that Clarke seems more playful. “That’s two days away.” She pouts further, and Clarke just seems highly amused by her and so entertained. Normally Lexa would find it annoying to have someone sort of laughing at her, but it doesn’t feel like that with Clarke.

Clarke places a hand to her mouth. “Oops.” She feigns innocents, batting her pretty eyelashes and giggling cutely in front of her.

Lexa’s heart is soaring, just like a kite in the summer wind. “You’re kind of a dick.” She teases and watches as Clarke gasps at her, eyes still twinkling.

She recovers quickly. “And your kind of a nerd.” Clarke’s grin is so wide that it’s almost mesmerizing… it is mesmerizing when it touches her eyes like that. It’s real and genuine and Lexa is learning the difference between this and her smirk so well that she can identify them the second they happen.

Lexa isn’t sure why she steps closer to Clarke but it’s a noticeable step. She knows it’s noticeable because Clarke’s eyes widen a fraction of a second before they’re schooled back into this nonchalant glance. Perhaps Lexa would step even closer if she didn’t think that it freaked Clarke out. “Does that mean you have tomorrow morning off?” Lexa raises an eyebrow, meeting Clarke’s gaze and perhaps looking hopeful.

Clarke’s smile changes after that, but Lexa doesn’t quite know what this one means. She’s seen it a few times but is still unable to place it because there’s still so much about Clarke that she doesn’t know, so much she really wants to know. “Yes, it does.” Clarke tips her head to the side. “Can’t wait to see me again?” Her eyelashes flutter slightly, and Lexa is drawn to her, she could look into those eyes forever.

“Maybe.” Lexa grins at her. “Maybe I just like the way you draw me, boosts my confidence.” She answers playfully, hearing Clarke giggle and seeing the blue in her eyes sparkle even more.

She’s so pretty.

“Ah, now we get into the real reason you’re keeping me around, for my art.” Clarke pretends to be offended, head cocked to the right but the smile on her face won’t dissipate. For once Lexa thinks she’s managing to get a real smile stuck there, at least for the time being, and she’s not going to take that for granted.

She bats her own eyelashes, like Clarke has said to do. “You are very talented.” She compliments, voice lower than she expected it to be. It’s obvious what she’s doing, that’s what Clarke always says. It’ll be obvious.

Lexa thinks she sees the briefest sign of a blush on her cheeks before Clarke manages to make it disappear somehow. “Goodnight Lexa.” Clarke touches her sleeve, an action she’s been doing a lot since she’s received Lexa version of permission for it.

Lexa glances down as she does it, watches the tug and feels it as if Clarke is tugging at her heart. It’s an interesting feeling, one she’s not quite expecting in this moment and when she looks up and into Clarke’s eyes again she thinks maybe Clarke can see it too.

“Goodnight.”

 

***

 

Lexa really didn’t realize how addicted she was to her evening visits with Clarke on the hill until it was evening and she had no where else to be. She wasn’t the kind of person that always needed plans, she really did enjoy evenings in, but she finds that outside of watching the sunset, she misses the sounds of Clarke’s pencil against paper beside her. She misses her scent and her multitude of smiles that she’s still trying to decipher.

She thinks it’s kind of ridiculous because it’s one evening and she saw her the day before and yet here she is, feeling as if she’s completely lost because she knows if she goes to the hill Clarke won’t be there and she finds she doesn’t really want to be at the hill if Clarke’s not there which makes her question a lot.

Maybe she’s getting in too deep here. So far, it’s been almost one entire week since they started this… weird meeting thing and Lexa already spends most of her days thinking about her and she’s made absolutely no progress toward the peace treaty she has desired for her sister. In fact, she doesn’t even know how she’s supposed to get there.

She doesn’t even know the real story. She’s only heard rumor after rumor, exaggeration after exaggeration, lie after lie. She has no idea what is true and what is false and what’s a little bit of both when it comes to the situation. Her and Clarke barely talk about it, mostly because Clarke doesn’t really bring it up and Lexa doesn’t know how too without being incredibly awkward. She gets lost in other conversations she manages to have with the blonde.

Because talking to Clarke is the easiest thing in the world, despite her tendency to veer off into quiet. It’s all incredibly easy with her and Lexa has never experienced that before. Of all the things she’s heard about Clarke nothing has actually prepared her for who Clarke is really turning out to be.

Lexa is finding that she’s afraid of Clarke… but not for the many reasons that Anya has been shouting in her ear, or Anya’s friends have spit under their breath, or even some random girls in different classes who have seen them studying together has taken her aside to warn her about. They’re all wrong, at least, that’s what it feels like.

Lexa’s not afraid of Clarke because of her reputations. Lexa’s afraid of Clarke because she really does like her and she hadn’t exactly been expecting that feeling to grow or stay. She thought it would go away, because most of Lexa’s infatuations do after a while. Most of the time her crushes drain, and they turn up to be nothing, but she finds with Clarke that’s not happening. She keeps waiting for it, but all that happens is she seems to be crushing harder and she’s kind of afraid of it.

So, she’s been doing her best to distract herself from it. Studying overtly much, working out a little extra, dodging questions about crushes and relationships from her friends. She’s quite good at pretending really, it’s easy to pretend when Clarke isn’t there to remind her that she’s probably the most beautiful person Lexa has ever seen in her life.

Despite distracting herself, it doesn’t change how relieved she is when Thursday actually comes around. She gets to see Clarke again and perhaps she shouldn’t be so excited about that but who is she kidding, she is. She even lacked text messages, she wanted to see her, she was like a fix and Lexa was addicted.

“Hey Lex, you going to your study group?” Costia asks her as she swings the door open to their dorm room, coming in from her previous class. She looks tired but still flawless as she often does and Lexa admires the features of her face for a second before she tears her gaze away.

Lexa nods, finishing stuffing her bag and swinging it over her shoulder. “Yeah, I’ll be back late.” She tells her roommate softly, a gently smile gracing her features as Costia throws her own bag onto her bed.

“You’re normally back late, every night.” Costia chuckles.

Her eyes a warm brown, twinkling into Lexa’s when she meets their gaze. Lexa likes Costia’s eyes, they always look pretty no matter the lighting. “I like to watch the sunset.” She says instead of lying. It’s half the truth.

Costia chuckles. “I know. Hey maybe you can skip the study group tonight though? Come out with me?” Costia steps forward to stand beside her as she asks, close enough to nearly be touching her.

She frowns. She definitely doesn’t want to do that, she’s already somewhat late, she wonders if Clarke is waiting for her. “Uh, I can’t. I really should go.” She gestures toward the door but doesn’t make an effort to escape yet, watching Costia’s eyes shift into disappointment.

Costia sighs. “I doubt I’ll be able to convince you otherwise, nerd.” She teases with a beautifully wide smile, and Lexa rolls her eyes with her own soft grin in return. “If you change your mind, Anya and I are going down to that new club.” She touches Lexa’s arm very briefly and Lexa can’t help but watch as she does so, noticing the slight blush gracing Costia’s dark features as she seems to take notice of her actions.

She wonders what Costia is thinking about. “Grounders?” She asks instead.

“Yeah, just in case you want to come.” Costia touches her arm again, briefly, before turning back around to her side of the room to rummage through her things, possibly getting ready to leave.

Lexa takes in a breath but doesn’t let it out. “I’ll see you.” She offers as a goodbye, disappearing out of the door and making her way quickly to the exit of the hall. She can’t get to Clarke fast enough.

 

 

She arrives a few minutes late. Clarke is already there, set up at their normal table and staring at something quite intently. Lexa stops, just a bit away and takes in a deep breath, letting her eyes absorb the way that Clarke looks. Pretty as always, but it doesn’t stop Lexa’s heart from swelling up in her chest. She isn’t sure if it’s all nerves or just excitement at getting to spend time with her.

What she does know, is that she’s definitely getting worse.

Just as she’s about to walk forward Clarke checks her time and looks back at the door, as if looking for her. Maybe she was, Lexa would like to think that she’s not just worried about missing their study session anyways, and that it has more to do with Clarke wanting to see her as much as she always wants to see Clarke.

Once the blonde’s eyes land on her she smiles rather widely, and waves and Lexa can’t help the way her heart suddenly picks up in pace inside of her chest, slamming against her breastbone rather obnoxiously as she waves back and makes her way across the library to their normal table.

She takes a seat in her normal place as Clarke is greeting her. “Hey gorgeous, I was thinking, I’m feeling pretty prepped for class right now and was wondering if maybe you just want to go to the hill early?” When she glances to her side at Clarke her blue eyes are twinkling with hope that Lexa will agree.

Lexa has to bite her tongue from doing just that too eagerly. “You want to skip studying?” She feigns concern and hopes its convincing.

Clarke bites her bottom lip and Lexa’s stomach flips watching it, eyes moving to stare of their own accord. “Yes, I bought some new pencils and I want to try them out.” She says rather shyly, far shyer than she ever is. But again, pencils have to do with art and Clarke is always shy about her art.

Lexa lets a smirk grace her lips. “Aren’t you the one requesting you get more than a C?” She teases lightly, raising a skeptical brow as the blonde manages an eye roll.

Her blue eyes are still twinkling, and Lexa thinks she must be happy to see her too. “Shush, we can study later, come on.” Clarke’s hand touches Lexa’s wrist on the table, and the brunette has to swallow her emotions immediately at the touch.

She tries not to blush but she’s pretty much one hundred percent sure she fails. “I guess if you no longer care about your grade,” She goes to tease, hoping the wavier in her voice isn’t weird enough to distract Clarke from the mission she seems to be on to get them out of the library.

“Oh, shut up, you’re a big dork, let’s go.” She tugs at Lexa’s wrist before releasing it and stuffing the one singular notebook she had on the table back in her bag. She had been planning this.

Lexa smiled to herself and stood from her seat, following behind Clarke to briefly watch the way she sways her hips before catching up and walking beside her.

 

***

 

She paces for a second before she tells herself to stop because Costia is fast asleep, but she’s such a light sleeper that the movement of Lexa’s feet on the floorboards could wake her up. She’s overthinking the whole night, her heart racing in her chest unevenly like there’s something she’s forgetting to say but she can’t quite figure out what it is.

She clicks the button on her phone so the screen lights up but she’s only looking at her background, what is she waiting for? She lets out a soft sigh, cautious not to be so loud. Maybe this is dumb, could she get anymore obvious? If she keeps performing each action Clarke says to do right after she tells her to do them, won’t she figure it out?

Isn’t that the point?

She nearly groans but looks to Costia deciding against it. She sits down on her bed, stares at Costia’s sleeping figure for a long time, like at any moment the girl will pop up from the bed and accuse her of treachery, flirting with the enemy. That’s not Costia’s style at all. She knows that, and yet, she’s still fearing it.

She bites her lower lip too hard, hard enough to taste blood and pulls up Clarke’s contact in her phone.

“Woo, goodnight texts, you have her phone number?”

She shouldn’t, she should wait. After what Clarke has already told her, maybe this whole plan is absolutely useless… okay not totally. The main goal in the end was to get to know her, and she’s definitely doing that, and to bring peace between the groups and she’ll figure that out as she goes but this part, this flirting part, this was spontaneous, on the spot, not Lexa at all. She didn’t have the courage for this.

And yet, she was typing. Why was she doing this? Isn’t a goodnight text, despite what Clarke had told her, useless when they say goodnight at the bottom of the hill? Would this just come off weird? Should she say something else, something less obvious?

She doesn’t.

Lexa (11:32 P.M.): What time do you work?

Clarke (11:32 P.M.): From the way you were acting earlier, I expected you to be asleep.

Clarke (11:33 P.M.): 6am to 12:30

Lexa (11:33 P.M.): I’m going to bed now

Lexa (11:33 P.M.): What days do you work?

Clarke (11:34 P.M.): mon-tues, Thursday, every other Friday, sometimes Sundays but rarely. Any reasons ur asking?

Lexa (11:35 P.M.): Just curious.

Lexa (11:35 P.M.): Goodnight Clarke <3

Clarke (11:35 P.M.): Goodnight dork. :)

Lexa smiles at her phone before hooking it up on the charger and escaping into the bathroom with her change of clothes.

 

***

 

The day was dragging, and Lexa found she was struggling to focus. Luna’s bright idea to sit down next to her in the library and talk her ear off on Friday morning was not her favorite thing in the world but she didn’t protest. She was trying to mingle and make friends the best she could, and she knows Anya would appreciate if she makes the effort.

But Luna was breathing so loud and it was excessively irritating Lexa. Every few seconds she’d sigh and reposition in her chair, turning a page in the textbook Lexa’s sure she can’t be reading with how incredibly loud and obnoxious she’s being. She hasn’t been this annoyed since her brother Aden went through that screaming phase at three.

She’s actually contemplating proper excuses that would not constitute as a lie that could get her out of here when Luna decides to open up conversation rather than being silent because god forbid they just be quiet a while. “So, Lexa, anyone you fancy?”

She raises her eyebrow at Luna, glancing at her and hoping her eyes aren’t expressing how incredibly annoyed she is. “Did you really just say fancy?” She asks with a small amount of bite.

Luna doesn’t seem to notice it however. “I did, but really, you got anyone, because I’m painfully single right now and literally live vicariously through my friends dating lives.” She wiggles her eyebrows and leans her head on her arms, staring at Lexa, awaiting her answer.

She shifts uncomfortably under the stare. “You’re weird.” She says instead.

Luna snorts like it’s a joke. “No seriously, I know someone that’s kind of into you and if you aren’t seeing anyone maybe you could meet her?” She pulls her head up to prop her chin against her palm.

Lexa feels herself panic slightly. “Oh, oh no. I’m sorry. I actually… I mean it’s nothing but I’m kind of interested in someone.” She mumbles honestly, feeling the beginnings of a blush getting ready to take over her face, starting at the base of her neck.

She’s praying and begging Luna not to ask, but of course she does. “Woo, who?”

“No one.” Lexa shakes her head and tries to focus on the words in her book, but Luna is now glaring at her and she knows escaping this one isn’t going to be easy.

“Come on Lex, we’re friends, you can trust me.” Luna shoves her shoulder lightly, a friend touch perhaps, but it still makes Lexa want to put a good distance between them, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the interaction.

Anya would tell her to relax if she was here, and she knows her sister is probably right. “Why do you want to know?” She questions, letting her eyes glue to the book open on the table. Maybe if she doesn’t offer Luna much attention she’ll let the subject die.

“I just told you, we’re friends and I’m painfully single.” Luna sighs dramatically and lays her head on the table in her arms again.

Lexa lets out an annoyed sigh. “It doesn’t matter, you may be painfully single but I’m painfully bad at talking to girls. So it’s never going to happen.” She flips the page in her book, but has to flip it back realizing she hadn’t read a single word, or consumed any information, due to Luna not only being invasive beside her, but incredibly loud.

Luna pops out her lower lip like she’s pouting. “Awe, don’t say that. Tell me who it is, maybe I can help.” She touches her again and Lexa frowns at the interaction.

She shakes her head. “Oh no, that’s… I don’t need help.” She meets Luna’s eyes and hopes the girl will start to take her seriously, but it only seems to pique her interest more.

“Come on Lex,” She whines.

Lexa wants to bang her head against the table. “Who do you think it is?” She changes tactics.

“You want to play guessing games?” Luna rolls her eyes.

“Sure, why not.” Lexa shrugs and leans back slightly in her seat, thinking she’s stumped Luna enough to have her change the subject and finally leave her alone about this.

“Um… I don’t know.” Luna whines further and Lexa rolls her eyes, slamming her book shut. “Just tell me and I promise I’ll shut up after.” So perhaps she is catching onto the fact that Lexa would really like to enjoy her book in the quiet.

She searches her brain for a second, looking for an answer that will satisfy the loud girl beside her and finally allow her some peace. It’s only a small fib, as Clarke always seems to think it’s Costia anyways, so what would it hurt, as long as Luna doesn’t tell anyone? “It’s Costia.”

Costia!” Luna looks at her likes it’s a scandal in and of itself. “Your roommate.” She says like she’s just received the most interesting information that Lexa could possibly give her.

She can’t help the glare forming on her face. “Yep.” Lexa pops the “p” feeling the lie heavy on her tongue. “And I swear to god if you ever say anything to her I will hunt you down and cut out your tongue.” She’s fed up, thinking maybe she should have just went to The Ark to study and read this morning, as Clarke would be there and at least than she could see her if she wasn’t going to get any quiet.

“Alright, alright jeez.” Luna sighs softly. “It’s not impossible though, why don’t you ask her out? I mean outside of her being your roommate and all, it could work out.” Luna shrugs and Lexa has to bite her tongue to resist the urge to audibly groan out her annoyance.

“No, I really can’t be caught up in dating right now.” Lexa licks at her lower lip and opens her book again.

“Well okay, but I think you guys would be kind of cute together.” Lexa wants to tell her she really doesn’t care what she thinks but also reframes from doing so.

Lexa only shrugs, hoping Luna will let the topic die. Eventually, when Lexa gives her no verbal answer, Luna changes the subject, but she doesn’t stop talking like Lexa had hoped and eventually she excuses herself, escaping as quickly as possible before Luna can follow her.

She really doesn’t have time to go to The Ark. Even if she wants to see Clarke, even if she’s been meaning to check it out and knows she can’t go with her sister. She has to meet Anya in an hour to walk to class with her, she really doesn’t have time.

It doesn’t stop her. She walks anyway, down the street, stopping at the front door to look in and sees that it’s actually pretty busy, with plenty of people she’s seen around campus, and even some of Clarke’s friends. She shouldn’t go in. She shouldn’t while they’re there, they won’t leave her alone.

But than she catches Clarke, at the counter, smiling brightly at some customer and looking absolutely gorgeous and she’s opening the door before she even realizes it. “Baby Woods!” Raven shouts from the back of the café and immediately Clarke’s head whips up from where she had been looking down at the counter as she whipped it after the customer she had been talking to had left to take a seat.

She smiles immediately and Lexa’s stomach flips, feeling her heart leap into her mouth. “Hi,” Lexa says softly as she approaches the counter.

Clarke’s eyes twinkle. “Hi,” She’s grinning so big and genuine that Lexa wishes she had a camera, to capture the image of her forever. “How can I help you today?” Her voice is soft and warm and raspy as always and Lexa can’t help her own smile, gracing her lips.

“I heard from someone that everyone from campus comes here but I’ve never been before so I don’t know what to order.”

Clarke giggles, actually giggles. “Well, do you like coffee?”

“I’m more of a tea kind of girl, but sometimes.”

“We have tea, lots of it.”

“What do you recommend then?”

“My personal favorite is The Vampire Slayer.” Clarke wiggles her eyebrows and turns briefly to point at it up on the menu.

“I’ll have one of those then.” She grins widely and Clarke for some reason starts to blush but nods her head.

“Can I have your name?” She teases, wiggling her eyebrows.

Lexa’s about to make a quip related to Buffy, but Raven is popping up beside her, no doubt to be obnoxious. “Baby Woods doesn’t know the rules Clarke.”

“Knock it off Raven.” Clarke’s smile immediately is replaced by a look of annoyance and Clarke writes Lexa’s name onto the cup.

“Did you not inform her that she’s not allowed here.”

“She’s perfectly allowed here.” Clarke’s voice is sharp and annoyed, and this seems to set some kind of irritation off in Raven who immediately glares at her friend.

“What’s your problem today?”

“Nothing, just leave her alone. If you’ll excuse me, I have a Vampire Slayer to make.” She offers Lexa a soft grin that doesn’t touch her eyes before she turns around and gets to work.

Raven huffs beside her. “You’re not allowed here.”

Lexa just raises her eyebrow at Raven, preferring not to speak and avoid the confrontation she’s trying to cause.

“Did you hear me?” Raven seems annoyed, but Lexa doesn’t really think it has to do with her this time.

Lexa isn’t exactly understanding today however, already having her buttons pushed once she only glares at Raven. “Please back up.” She says sharply and Raven glares at her.

“Just because you’re new doesn’t mean you can just come in here and-”

“Raven, she said back up.” Clarke returns with Lexa’s drink a firm glare on her face as well.

Raven’s jaw works as she pushes off the counter and turns back around to Clarke’s group, sitting back down instead of instigating more conflict. “I’m sorry.” Clarke says softly, sliding the tea along the surface toward Lexa.

“It’s okay, you did kind of warn me, how much?”

“$3.25 but don’t worry, I’ve got it.” She smiles sweetly, and Lexa stops looking for her cash.

“No, it’s okay let me pay.”

“No. I’ve got it, it’s the least I can do for loud mouth over there. I’m sorry Lex.” Lexa’s heart swells at the abbreviation of her already abbreviated name.

“I have to be going I just…” Lexa licks at her lower lip briefly and decides, as Clarke would say, to be bold. “Wanted to see you.” She smiles softly and watches the brief blush cross Clarke’s delicate features.

“See you tonight.” Clarke touches her hand briefly and Lexa blushes as well as she picks up her drink and makes her way to the exit. She glances behind her to see Clarke watching her leave and feels her heart pick up in pace.

She smiles as she pulls the door open, exiting and walking slowly down the sidewalk back to the university. She sips the drink and winces as she takes in the contents, way too sweet. It was worth it though.

 

***

 

Lexa pulls her dorm room door open that she had just gotten back to in search of her book bag and Anya immediately thrusts an umbrella into her hands. “I bought you an umbrella because you have yet to get one.” She states matter-of-factly, waiting on Lexa to take the item before she pushes past her and into the room.

“It doesn’t really rain here.” She says, tossing the umbrella onto her bed as she pulls the door shut and walks around her sister to check over her book bag.

“It’s just started to rain now.” Lexa rolls her eyes and thoroughly goes through her bag, checking off items in her head realizing she’s missing a few things and stuffs a few books needed for her next class in the bag, pulling them from her nightstand where they had stacked up the night before, and extra for her study session by herself in the library after class. “Hey Lex,”

She glances at her sister before going over her bag again and making sure she has everything. “Hmm?”

“Where do you go every evening? I know Thursday you have the study thing for Indra, but what about all the other nights?” Anya’s voice is soft and curious as she studies her sister from beside her.

“Oh I,” Lexa can feel the panic rising, the guilt already inevitably building because she has to lie, and she hates lying, especially to her sister. Most importantly she doesn’t know what lie to tell, as she for some reason didn’t prepare herself for this moment. She clears her throat and shuffles through the many thoughts in her head to find the best excuse that’s the smallest lie she can muster. “I study best when the sun is going down.” It’s a lame excuse, but it’ll have to do.

Anya briefly looks unconvinced. “You’re telling me, every evening you go somewhere to study?” She corks a curious brow and Lexa can feel the blush surfacing on her face before she can stop it.

She doesn’t meet her sister’s eye, afraid she’ll be able to see the lie. “Yes.”

“You’re such a dork, you are in dire need of a break from all these books.” Lexa lets out a soft sigh of relief and shrugs as she slings her bag over her right shoulder and grabs her phone of her nightstand table, slipping it into the front pocket of her jeans.

“I like books.” She’s heading toward the bedroom door when Anya grabs her arm to stop her and for a moment she thinks her sister has figured it out, knows she’s lying, knows there’s far more to it and Lexa will have failed at not just her attempt to cause peace between rivaling groups, but to get to know Clarke.

“You’re umbrella.” She states simply, and Lexa’s heart slows down for a minute.

She furrows her brows. “What?”

“Umbrella Lexa, my god, you’d die without me.” Anya grabs it off of where she had set it on the bed and shoves it into Lexa’s left hand, rolling her eyes playfully before she spins around and pulls the dorm room door open for them.

“Oh no it’s you.” Anya frowns as she finds Raven passing by, looking maybe as if she’s heading in the direction of someone else’s dorm.

“It’s always lovely to see you too babe.” Raven winks and Lexa wants to laugh but she doesn’t, preferring to stand behind Anya, placing her hand to the small of her sister’s back to comfort her. And maybe if she stays in the back Raven will not notice her and they won’t repeat the events at The Ark.

“Oh right, I forgot, baby Woods lives in this hall.” Raven glares at her slightly and releases a small huff and she finds that she wants to actually tell Raven to “fuck off” but she doesn’t.

Instead she bites her tongue and focuses on her sister, a soft “don’t call me that” escaping as her only fight, tamping down her frustration because right now is definitely not the time for confrontation. Sometimes she wishes she could be the immature one, Raven really grinding on her already grinded gears.

“You don’t like it? Raven playfully pouts at her looking delighted to be getting on Lexa’s nerves but the brunette frowns further, breaking her gaze from the girl’s as she feels her sister tense beside her.

She has to focus on Anya, not letting her anger get the best of her. “Would you move out of the way, we have a class to get to. And leave her alone.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever, wouldn’t want a big nerd like Lexa to fail.”

Lexa grabs her sister’s arm as she nearly lurches forward, which only seems to amuse Raven further, eyes twinkling brightly. Lexa has nothing to do with this anymore. It’s for the full sake of pissing Anya off and a piece of that information slightly irks on Lexa’s nerves even more so. “See you,” Raven waves, guessing she’s done her damage and trots off like life is dandy.

Anya glares at her back until she can’t see her anymore.

Lexa moves to catch Anya’s attention and take it off of Raven. “Hey, everything is fine okay, she’s just trying to get to you. Remember?” She reminds her softly, rubbing her back lightly in a motion that she hopes is somewhat comforting.

Anya is frowning. “I wish she’d stop using you to do it.” She bites and Lexa smiles at her sympathetically.

“I’m okay, I can handle it. What’s important is that you’re okay.” She says honestly, trying to meet her sister’s eye.

“Lexa, you-”

“Hey.” She brushes a few strands of her sister’s hair behind her ear. “How about I hang out with you this evening? We haven’t got to do that Harry Potter marathon yet?” She offers softly, watching as her sister lets out a soft breath.

Anya relaxes a bit as she steps out of the room with Lexa, the brunette turning around to shut and lock the door. “I can’t tonight.” Her sister is frowning when she turns back around, something growing distant in her eyes and Lexa’s heart picks up a beat.

“That’s okay, tomorrow?” She offers, a soft smile on her face for her sister. Hoping to distract her from her own troubling thoughts.

“Okay.” Anya answers quietly.

“I promise, I’ll be there.” She touches her sister’s hand and squeezes it to get her eyes to lift and meet her own.

Lexa feels somewhat happy when a small dose of light is added back to them. “Thanks Lexa.”

“I love you.” She tells her and Anya smiles, briefly, not by much, but briefly.

“Ugh emotions, come on we have classes to get to.” She squeezes Lexa’s hand back though before they part and begin to walk down the hall toward the exit to the building.

 

***

 

Lexa’s normal habit of glancing at Clarke every few seconds is of course not broken on this day, she just thinks she’s managing to somehow be less noticeable about it this time. The soft breeze and slight chill in the air makes her sit closer than normal, but Lexa pretends not to notice that fact.

Clarke is so very focused on the shading of her drawing, and the color she’s adding, and Lexa doesn’t want to interrupt her, she hasn’t even glanced up very many times. Only very few to take her reference and damn is she beautiful when she’s so engrossed. Lexa could stare at her all day but she’s well aware that, that might be kind of creepy so she’s avoiding the urge.

Lexa’s not even sure how long they sit in silence, only Clarke’s pencils and the light breeze accompanying them to fill the silence, a detail Lexa’s getting used to whenever she comes to this hill with Clarke. She’s never been so content to sit in silence with someone the way that she is with Clarke, despite all her nerves and awkward conversation starters Clarke never makes her feel bizarre. Lexa doesn’t know what it is, she just knows that she loves it, not that she’d ever actually voice that out loud.

The sun is almost gone before Clarke even bothers speaking to her and Lexa has lost herself in thought, staring at the disappearing act the sun pulls every night. She doesn’t even hear her at first and it’s not until she feels Clarke’s touch on the palm of her hand that’s leaning against the wood of the table to hold herself up that she can even pull herself from her own quiet contemplations.

She jumps, and Clarke is grinning widely at her. “Some deep thinking you’re doing.” Her gaze is so soft and light, untroubled like they get when others are around, or how they normally seem to be, just on a regular day. Lexa wishes she knew what thoughts go through Clarke’s head that keep her so far hidden behind her walls.

Lexa blushes and sure enough that only makes Clarke grin wider. “Sorry.” She mumbles quietly.

“Don’t be sorry, what were you thinking about?” Clarke is flipping her notebook shut, the current pencil in between her fingers lifted and placed behind her left ear before she sets aside the notebook on the wood of the table and seems to scoot even closer to Lexa.

Her scent is clearer with her so close and Lexa looks away from her as she tries hard to tell herself to not noticeably breathe it in. The last thing she needs is to be caught sniffing her like a weirdo. Clarke seems to like her, she doesn’t want to ruin it. “Nothing um… interesting.” She mumbles softly, tangling her fingers together.

“That girl?” Clarke asks and Lexa’s heart leaps into her throat at her tone. It sounds different, questioning with something else hidden in it.

Lexa wonders if Clarke has thought about “that girl” a lot when it comes to Lexa. She wonders what she thinks when they talk about it. “What?” She swallows, and Clarke seems to find this kind of funny, a soft chuckle leaving her lips as she tips her head to the right to study Lexa.

“The girl you think you can’t get to fall in love with you without my help?” She seems amused as Lexa’s heart rate speeds up.

“Oh,” Lexa’s blush runs deeper. “Yes.” Because it’s not a lie, she was thinking about her.

It always feels a bit ironic when Clarke brings her up first. She’d love to ask Clarke how she feels on helping her with this situation, she’d love to insinuate a little bit more who she’s looking to impress, but she doesn’t. Instead she washes the urge back. “Tell me what you think about her, well I mean, more of what you think about her?” Clarke asks thoughtfully, she’s studying the side of her face as Lexa avoids looking at her, unsure that looking into her eyes while talking about this is a clever idea.

“What do you want to know?” She asks instead.

Clarke rolls her eyes, though her amused smirk remains. “You suck at answering questions… what’s she like?” She wonders if Clarke can see her sneaking glances from the corner of her eye.

“Um, I haven’t known her very long.” She mumbles quietly, her hands fiddling together as she stares at them, trying hard not to look at Clarke despite the urge.

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Okay, objectively what is she like?”

Lexa sighs and adjusts on the bench, parting her hands to reposition a little more comfortably as she looks back out at the sky before she’s bringing her hands back together and wringing her fingers with each other again, staring down at them. “Pretty.” She’s almost sure Clarke can’t hear her say it over the breeze. She can’t think of a better word to describe her, well, there’s probably plenty, metaphors and phrases and even similes that would work but for some reason it was the first one that came to mind and the first word to leave her lips.

Clarke laughs. “I guess that’s objective, but I mean, personality.” Clarke swings her left hand around as if she’s painting an image for an example, so Lexa understands her question.

But Lexa understood her question the moment she asked it, she nods. “Yeah she’s… so pretty. Her mind.” She offers honestly, finally meeting Clarke’s eyes with the fading sunlight glinting into the blue in front of them… so pretty.

Clarke looks at her very seriously for a second, contemplating what she’s said, and Lexa is almost scared she can see through her again, see the confession she hasn’t even spoken, written down in her eyes, maybe across her forehead. She feels so obvious, so damn open all the time because how do you look at Clarke Griffin and not feel like giving her the entire world? “Huh,” She says in deep thought and Lexa goes to ask “what” but she’s talking again before she gets the chance. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before.”

Lexa licks at her lower lip and is aware Clarke watches the action this time. “Can I ask you something?” She mumbles shyly, which seems to pique Clarke’s interests even more.

“Yes, of course you can.” She encourages softly with a slightly raised eyebrow.

“If the, asking her out thing that you had said earlier doesn’t work… what should I do?”

“If you mean rejection, you should move on because we all deserve to be with someone that wants to be with us.”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean if she doesn’t get it, if she thinks it’s a friend thing and I’ve chickened out and said it’s a friend thing, what do I do?” Her hands tighten together as she keeps Clarke’s gaze on her own.

Clarke bites her lip a minute before she adjusts in her seat, turning her full body to Lexa and placing her undivided attention on her. “Okay, so she thinks it a friend date, so either you can be bold and tell her that it’s not, or, if you’re afraid and you’d prefer she makes the move because you’re shy Lexa, so I highly doubt your going to be the bold one here, you can drop hints.” Clarke always seems so invested when she gives her advice, like she’s genuinely interested in whatever outcome Lexa could possibly end up having based on her advice.

She thinks it’s kind of sweet that Clarke genuinely wants to help her, despite having made a deal for it. “Hints?”

“You don’t just want to date her, you want to get close to her, you want her to trust you right?”

“Yes.” She answers almost timidly.

“Okay, so maybe while you’re on this friend date, do things that maybe friends wouldn’t do.” Clarke shrugs, her hands moving with her words again. Lexa watches them before she’s looking into her eyes again and she feels her stomach swoop when Clarke’s eyes seem to dip down to her lips, watching her lick them to wet them.

“What kind of things?” She asks, nearly hoping Clarke will demonstrate like she had the time before, even if she isn’t sure her heart could take something like that.

“You’re adorable when you don’t know what to do.” Clarke giggles, eyes twinkling and smile wide.

Lexa’s blush is immediate and persistent. “Shut up.” She whispers, looking away from Clarke long enough to will herself to gain some composure on the heart beginning to rapidly beat in her chest. Why does it always have to do that?

“Say something like that.” Clarke grins and Lexa is still blushing, licking at her lower lip again as she takes in her words.

“Call her adorable?” She asks unsure.

“Yeah, but casually.” Clarke slips closer to Lexa so that her knees are almost pressing to Lexa’s thigh. She pretends the proximity isn’t affecting her. “And any opportunity you have to get closer to her, do it.” Clarke encourages quietly, her smile drops a bit as she seems to gaze into Lexa’s eyes as if she’s trying to communicate something, but Lexa is unsure of exactly what she’s trying to say.

She shakes her head slightly. “What if she’s giving off vibes?”

“Make sure those vibes are real and not just in your pretty head.” Clarke taps her pointer finger to the center of Lexa’s temple and the brunette can’t help but giggle slightly.

Clarke’s grin grows wide and touches her eyes at the sound and it’s so beautiful. “You have a pretty smile.” She blurts, and Clarke seems taken aback by the compliment.

But she recovers quickly, her grin turning mischievous. “Sure, you can practice lines on me Lexa.” She teases.

Lexa’s heart sinks at that. The last thing she wants is for Clarke to think that the “lines” which is only just the thoughts in her head, are being used for the benefit of practice when really, she just can’t help but tell Clarke her thoughts. “No that’s wasn’t,” She goes to explain but Clarke cuts her off.

“Also, subtle touches.” Clarke reaches over and brushes the locks of Lexa’s hair behind her ear very lightly.

Lexa’s heart falters greatly inside of her chest, she thinks maybe it’s unnatural. “Touches…” She whispers. She thinks she sounds pathetic and wishes she could get some kind of grip. Clarke is too pretty, and Lexa is too gay for this.

“With consent to touch of course.” She smiles softly. “Kiss her on the cheek when you part, but closer to the lips, nearly the corner of her mouth.” Clarke taps Lexa’s cheek where she’s suggesting with the tip of her finger and the brunette finds she’s holding her breath.

“Really?” She asks, hesitant.

“Yes, if she’s not giving you those vibes you are worried about and she’s welcoming your touches, you can kiss her cheek.” Clarke’s amused highly by her lack of knowledge when it comes to this subject. That’s easy and clear to see but she doesn’t make fun of her, or even seem like she amused for the benefit of making fun of her.

Maybe Clarke really does think she’s adorable, that thought makes her belly swoop. “What do I do if she does all that stuff to me?”

Clarke’s smile is so gentle that Lexa wishes she could trace the edges of her lips with her fingertips. “Then maybe she’s as shy as you and one of you needs to get brave and ask to kiss the other.” She wiggles her eyebrows and Lexa almost laughs, would laugh if her brain didn’t shut down at that word.

Kiss, kiss,kiss…” She can feel the air leave her lungs as an image of leaning forward and pressing her lips to Clarke’s shuffles through her head. She tries to tamp it down, but the image is there, unwilling to leave her alone.

“Ask though,” Clarke holds up her finger as if they’re moving and she needs her to wait a moment. “I always think it’s necessary to ask a girl if you can kiss her before you do.” She nods her head after that, her right hand brushing strands of blonde hair behind her right ear, free of the pencil.

“Every time?”

Clarke laughs, loud and unrestrained, hand on her heart as she settles down. “My god you are adorable, it depends on the situation Lexa but if you’re kissing a girl a lot, you probably won’t have to ask every time.” She rolls her eyes playfully as Lexa’s heart falters on the word “adorable” yet again. The thought that Clarke really does think she’s adorable only makes her blush.

“Right,” Lexa blushes further, embarrassed.

There’s a brief bout of silence as Lexa lets her eyes travel back to the sunset, mind over analyzing Clarke’s interactions with her and trying to think about how she can properly incorporate the things Clarke has said to do without seeming weird. She gets lost awhile, until she feels Clarke touching her hands still tangled together to grab her attention again. “Have you ever had a girlfriend Lexa?” She asks her and Lexa’s heart speeds up with Clarke’s curiosity.

Why would she ask that? “Yes, one.” She answers honestly, blushing slightly because she knows it’s a rather oddly small number for a twenty-year-old. At least, that’s what Anya always says.

Clarke scoffs. “Are you kidding?” She sounds shocked and it just makes Lexa feel even more embarrassed because Clarke probably thinks she’s lame now.

Lexa shakes her head. “No.” She mumbles quietly, shy and unwilling to meet Clarke’s gaze now as it bores into the side of her head.

“One girlfriend? YOU!?” Clarke eyes are wide with the information when Lexa finally does look up at her, it makes Lexa crack a wide smile. “I can’t believe this; the entire world has been sleeping on you.” Clarke pushes her right hand through her hair again as if distressed and she can’t help the way her heart remains at a steady hard rhythm in her chest.

“Sleeping on me?” She asks with slight confusion.

“Not appreciating you.” Clarke’s head turns to the right slightly as she studies her, widely scrutinizing, something Lexa would blush about if she hadn’t gotten so used to Clarke always looking at her like she’s her own work of art. “You think I’m just being nice, don’t you?”

“I thought I was the nice one.” She teases, shoulders relaxing slightly.

Clarke laughs. “Yes, you are.” Lexa’s hair as fallen back into place and Clarke takes that opportunity to again, push her fingers through the side of Lexa’s hair, seemingly distracting herself from her own thoughts as she does so, watching the strands of hair like they’re paint colors.

Lexa’s heart feels like it might explode inside of her. “Clarke.” She mumbles nervously, and it seems to snap Clarke out of whatever mixed emotions are suddenly crossing her mind.

Her guard coming back up, Lexa can see it as it builds. “Yes?” She swallows, and Lexa feels suddenly nervous, like maybe this moment is holding some kind of tension filled opportunity and she should take it’s offering but she doesn’t know what to do with it.

She can only stare, for a long time, into pretty blue eyes as they look into her own. And Lexa really doesn’t know how much time goes by like that until the blonde is clearing her thoughts and breaking the silence. “Yes, Lexa?”

Lexa blinks a moment, trying to remember what she was about to say. She furrows her brows together in brief thought. “How many girlfriends have you had?” She’s sure the number is far more than hers. Whether or not Clarke’s reputation is true or not, it won’t be hard to beat her when it comes to experience.

Clarke blushes, really blushes and looks away from her. “Girlfriends… like dating?” Now she seems like she’s the quiet, shy one, and this really piques Lexa’s interests.

Why would she be shy about this? “Yeah.”

Clarke bites her bottom lip. “I um, I’ve never… had a girlfriend I’ve only… I don’t really do relationships.” She says honestly, that wall is built high now, her eyes losing that sparkle like she’s expecting Lexa to say something that she’s not going to like.

Lexa feels her heart falter. “Why?” She doesn’t mean to sound disappointed and hopes she’s masked it okay.

Clarke won’t meet her eyes now, but Lexa isn’t sure if it’s because she’s embarrassed as her blush seems to demonstrate or if it’s because of something a lot deeper than that. “Let’s just say, dating never works out for me.” She shrugs avoiding her gaze.

Lexa smiles slightly, almost sympathetically but she thinks better of it. “That’s okay.”

Clarke looks at her with a raised eyebrow. “What?”

“Dating isn’t for everybody.” She tries for nonchalant, even though her hope has managed to plummet an unusual amount in a small span of time.

Clarke smiles briefly. “No, it isn’t… are you sure you and Anya are related?”

“Adopted.” She answers with a chuckle.

“Still.”

Lexa lets out a soft sigh, feeling the need to explain and defend her sister a bit. “Anya she… she’s just got a way of thinking and she’s got her own… head to deal with.” She’s doing a terrible job at explaining, because mostly saying anything personal about Anya is off limits to Clarke. At the end of the day the two are still rivals.

Clarke chuckles. “So, you don’t… care?”

Lexa furrows her brows, the only thing she cares about is her lack of chance. “Why would I care who you date or don’t date?” Lexa doesn’t like the way it sounds when it leaves her mouth, it’s not quite what she means.

Clarke backs away from her slightly, she doesn’t like that either. “Right.” Clarke laughs but there’s nothing really in it, Lexa wishes she could rewind and find a better way to say what she had meant. “Normally people like sticking their nose in my business to be honest.” Clarke scoffs, seemingly a little annoyed with that fact. “Even my friends.”

“Why? It’s not like it’s weird, doing the… hook up thing.” She waves her hands around a bit, unsure of technically what else to say.

Clarke sighs heavily. “I don’t even sleep around that much though.” She says almost sounding annoyed.

Lexa frowns. “Have you never dated?”

Clarke chuckles a bit, but like her other laugh, this one lacks anything real. “No, I’ve dated before. I had a boyfriend in high school.” She doesn’t meet Lexa’s gaze as she says it, and Lexa knows by the highly built walls that she probably won’t be getting any information about that today.

“Did you stop dating after him?” She asks anyway.

“Yes, I stopped a lot of things after him actually.” Clarke smiles briefly but again it’s not touching her eyes. “Anyways enough of that, so how has it actually been going with this girl? We should make up a name for her if you don’t want me to know her real name.”

Lexa adjust on top of the picnic table. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Sure it is, do I just keep calling her “that girl” because that’s no fun.” Clarke’s smirk is back and her eyes are back on Lexa. They still lack that twinkle that Lexa loves urging out of her, but she decides she’ll let the topics that had caused Clarke to hide, die.

“Seems fine to me.” She shrugs.

“You are stubborn.” Lexa lets out a laugh, Clarke moves closer to her again, having adjusted so her thigh presses against Lexa’s thigh.

Lexa almost can’t breathe at the contact. “How about, you come up with something and I’ll say no if I hate it?”

“I feel like you’re just going to say no to everything.” She laughs, a real laugh this time.

“You should trust me more.” Lexa says without thinking, looking down at her fingers again that tangle together.

Clarke’s fingers are back in her hair, brushing back locks of brown hair. Lexa tries not to shiver to the brush of her fingertips on her ear. “Maybe I do.”

Lexa looks up from her hands to meet soft blue eyes again and her heart flutters in her chest unusually, a soft thud that gets heavier the longer Clarke’s fingers comb through her hair. This crush is getting so bad.

 

***

 

They leave the hill much later than normal, the sun very far gone, nearly midnight, far too late for Lexa to still be up yet again. She’s lucky she doesn’t have to work like Clarke does, she can’t imagine how Clarke must feel on so little sleep.

She’s aware of how close she’s walking to Clarke, her hand brushing Clarke’s every once in awhile like she’s waiting for some kind of move, she can’t tell if it’s an accident on her part or if she really just wants to hold her hand. Clarke doesn’t seem to be taking notice and even if she is, she doesn’t seem uncomfortable.

They’re both quiet again, as they make it to the bottom of the hill, brushing hands and shoulders every other step. Lexa’s heart is beating so hard she’s almost positively sure that the dead themselves can hear it.

When they stop at the bottom of the steps she thinks her heart rate only gets louder and she has no idea how to tame it, turning her attention to Clarke and stepping into her space. Clarke doesn’t look shocked this time, at Lexa’s abrupt closeness like she had the last time. She almost seems to welcome it, head tilting to the side as she studies Lexa’s face, as if she’s trying to read her mind.

She fears so much that Clarke already can. “Goodnight Clarke.” She says, her voice lower than she was expecting and she licks at her lower lip nervously. Clarke watches it, mouth parting briefly and her left-hand twitching. The furrow of her brow back as some thought is running deeply in her brain, taking over her for a second and Lexa thinks she sways closer to her.

She recovers after a moment but still looks a little lost. “Goodnight Lexa.”

Lexa goes in before she really has time to think about it, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss near the corner of Clarke’s mouth and a soft sound leaves the blonde that Lexa wishes she could hear forever.

It’s surprise but she’s not tense, in fact, she looks like she’s about to grab Lexa’s face and shove her against the nearest wall. The thought turns Lexa’s stomach pleasantly and she has to try her hardest to tamp it down, bury it so it doesn’t enter her supposedly expressive eyes.

Lexa thinks she’s too late though, by the way Clarke is looking at her. “Fuck,” Clarke grumbles and Lexa doesn’t get it at first but soon the blonde is backing up from her. “Gotta go, early morning tomorrow.” She briefly touches Lexa’s hand, as if to reassure her and then she’s taking off, retreating so fast that the flutter and loud pound of Lexa’s heart dulls immediately.

She frowns, and once Clarke is gone she thinks maybe she shouldn’t have done that. She’s nervous now, that she’s upset her and made her uncomfortable and she’s pulling out her phone to text her an apology when Lincoln shows up beside her making her jump briefly.

“Hey there Lex, so you and Clarke huh?” He’s grinning brightly at her.

She only feels even more panic. “Oh, no, we, uh, I,”

“Relax, I won’t tell anyone, I have a secret too.”

Lexa raises her eyebrow curiously. “Oh?”

“Follow me.” He nods his head in the direction of the gym and begins walking, Lexa follows him, unsure and still worried that she had messed up with Clarke.

 

***

 

“Linc, really I have to be getting to bed, it’s way too late and-”

“Just spend a moment Lex.”

“I really don’t feel like kicking anyone’s ass right now.”

Lincoln lets out an amused laugh. “No doubt you could, but no, you don’t have to, I just want you to meet someone… well re-meet someone.”

“Okay.” Lexa sighs heavily passing the threshold of the gym as Lincoln opens the door for her. She follows him down the stairs toward the locked door at the bottom, which he uses his keycard to open. This time, the room is full and loud. Lots of people talking amongst themselves and training with different equipment. There’s a lot more people than she had expected, and she spends a second just taking it in.

“Lincoln!” She snaps her head up and watches as a young woman jumps into Lincoln’s arms, smiling widely and kissing him gently to greet him. He laughs and looks happy. It’s only when he sets her down that Lexa recognizes her.

“Octavia?” She asks, mostly because she isn’t sure if that’s right.

“Hi Lexa, Lincoln’s been telling me he’s been trying to get you to come!” Octavia’s grin is wide and calm. She’s warm and welcoming and nothing at all like other members of Clarke’s group. She seems friendlier, perhaps that mostly has to do with Lincoln, but her pleasantness is welcome and refreshing compared to Lexa’s encounters she often has with Raven.

“Oh she’s not here to stay, just to check it out.” He’s smiling at his girlfriend before he glances at Lexa, communicating with her through his eyes that this is his secret too.

Her heart swells slightly. This must be the person Clarke helped Octavia with. That girl really is something else. “The only reason I trust him about you is because you look like you can kick my ass but I’m not afraid of you.” Octavia says with a teasing grin in her direction, a twinkle to soft eyes and a slight excitement she must feel to be in her element.

Lexa laughs. “Maybe we’ll see who’s better sometime?” She’s surprised at her own openness, but Octavia is making this easy.

“That would be great, Lincoln’s no longer a challenge.” She nudges her boyfriend teasingly with her elbow, grinning widely at him when playfully rolls his eyes at her.

“Hey.” Lincoln feigns offense and Octavia only smiles at him brightly, leaning up on tip-toes to kiss him briefly.

Someone calls Octavia from across the gym and she glances behind her fleetingly before letting off a sigh. “Well, I hope you decide you want to come back Lexa, I’d love to spare, see you.” She smiles kindly and jogs across the area to where the person had called her, Lexa watches her go before grinning slightly at Lincoln who is already grinning himself.

“How long?” She asks curiously.

Lincoln’s smile seems to stay. “A year.” He says it like it’s been the best year of his life and Lexa feels her heart swell with happiness for her friend.

“I won’t tell Anya.” She mumbles with a chuckle.

“I didn’t figure you would.” He laughs.

“I don’t think she’d care though.” And she really doesn’t. Octavia wasn’t the main source of discomfort from Clarke’s group and if she was always this nice than why would Anya be upset that her friend has found someone to be happy with? She knows this feud is weird and complicated in its own way when it comes to her sister, but she also knows her sister cares about her friends. She thinks she’d be happy for Lincoln.

“Maybe not, but Octavia and Clarke are very close.” Lincoln informs her, and Lexa can’t say he’s not right.

Even of the little amount of time she’s spent getting to know Clarke, she’s well aware that Clarke has a few friends she cares about, bringing them up in conversation quite often. “Yeah, I kind of know.” It’s hard to miss, if Clarke helped Octavia get with Lincoln, they must be close.

“How long for you?”

Lexa frowns briefly, goes to tell Lincoln their situations aren’t the same, but instead she just says. “The day we met.”

 

***

 

Lincoln walks her out, and she lets him. They don’t say much but just as Lexa is saying goodnight he says; “If you and Clarke would ever like to double date sometime-”

Lexa clears her throat. “I don’t think so, we’re not actually… dating.” She doesn’t look at him as she says it, figuring the way her heart skips at even the mere thought of dating Clarke Griffin would not allow her to conceal the emotion properly if Lincoln could see her eyes.

“Oh really? I mean I know Clarke doesn’t really date but it looked like you kissed her, and I just thought,”

“We’re not dating, we’re just friends.” She insists more firmly. Once she thinks she finally has control of her heart rate she looks up from the ground to meet her friend’s eyes.

“Just friends?” He looks highly amused at that one, corking an eyebrow with a twinkle in his gaze and Lexa doesn’t know why she wants to fight this but she nods her head.

“Yes, just friends. Secret friends because Anya would kick my ass.” It’s not a lie. They remain only friends, secret friends, whether Lexa wants or doesn’t want more than that with Clarke is irrelevant to the conversation.

He laughs. “No doubt about that, but… I don’t know. Maybe it would be different if you told her how you felt about Clarke and-”

She shakes her head, looking to shut this down and not be so transparent with her damn feelings. “I don’t feel anything, we’re friends.” Her voice is a lot more stern after that, showing that she’s not interested in where this conversation is going. Her mind wandering back to the kiss she had placed on Clarke’s cheek before the blonde had promptly run from her afterward.

Lincoln just gives her a look, like nothing she could say would ever convince him of what is so damn obvious.

She knows she can’t, but she can still try. “Really, we’re just friends.” She licks at her lower lip almost in frustration that Lincoln still looks greatly unconvinced.

“Okay, just friends. If you ever want to come out with us, it would be fun, think about it?” She touches her shoulder briefly to keep her attention, his gaze soft and friendly as he tries to encourage her to double date with him and Octavia. She has no doubt that it would be fun, she just doesn’t think that she’d ever actually get the chance.

“I guess, I don’t know that Clarke wants to do that.” She shrugs, trying to conceal her disappointment from appearing on her face at the thought that Clarke might never want to date her, whether that be just a friend date or not. She had runaway so fast. Lexa should have slowed down, after their conversation it was clear that Clarke must not be interested in anyone in that way. She’ll have to make up for it somehow.

“Right, ask your girlfriend first.” Lincoln grins widely as Lexa glares at him.

“Shut up, I’m going home now.” She rolls her eyes as she turns her back on her friend and begins to head back into the direction of her dorm.

“Goodnight Lexa, come back soon?” He calls after her.

She turns around, walking backward. “Maybe,” She waves to him and turns back around heading toward her destination as her thoughts head toward Clarke. It’s far too late, she can feel it in the way her eyes want to close even as she walks. She pulls her phone out to look at the time and her heart thuds briefly at Clarke’s name.

Clarke (12:32 A.M.): I dropped my favorite pencil :(

Lexa (2:05 A.M.): I’ll find it for you.

And she does, heading back to the end of the hill, scouring the ground. She finds it halfway up, the middle step where Lexa’s hand had brushed Clarke’s for the first time and she picks it up, noticing teeth marks at the edge of it. She smiles, her thumb trailing over it briefly before she starts heading back to her dorm, making sure to place the pencil in a safe place in her bag so she doesn’t forget about it or lose it herself.