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all that we are, and all that we'll ever be

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It was 2am (exactly, the clock did not lie) when a loud ringing filled Harry's quaint home, it was obvious he was not asleep by the movement and the sudden rustle of the sheets. It was of the usual as he couldn't sleep until the exhaustion consumed his, now, frail body whole which was a curse because, he knew why sleep was inevitable, it's just that it wasn't a topic anymore.

The now-obnoxious ring continued and at first he thought of ignoring the whole situation entirely as he tried to find a comfortable place to settle but the noise was relentless so with a loud huff and the swing of his feet, he was off his bed and followed the ring of the phone through his very lonely house. About a minute later, the sturdy device was to his ear, cold, shivering every bone in Harry's body.

"Hello?" The deep velvet voice belonged to no other but himself, it was a thing Harry was known for. It made the boy seem charismatic, some might say, even though he didn't see it that way, far from it actually. Day by day he saw less of himself, a mere waste of space in the world.

"Harry, hi. I hope I didn't wake you. M' called because I knew you were crazy enough to be awake at these irregular hours of the night and I have this big problem that I don't think I can solve on my ow-"
It didn't take much time for him to recognise the faint voice on the line. It had been a while since it was directed towards Harry but all the same. "Lou." As to shut up Louis, because yes he was rambling, and yes Harry couldn't wrap his mind around this. He was quite surprised, but he had not heard of his best friend, if he could still call him that, in forever. "What's the problem?" His rough sleepy accent changing to a soft almost cooing voice and as much as Harry resented the nurturing tone that always kicked in when Louis was in the equation, he couldn't help it. It was second nature to him, a part of his system. He never wanted to be the reason of Louis' pain even though Louis was the cause of his.
Within minutes of them recollecting thoughts and rejected memories, a loud series of broken sobs could be heard. Which filled Harry's body with shock. Louis was crying, odd because he never did, he was strong, more than anyone Harry's met. "I made a mistake Haz, a huge one, and I don't think I can fix it."
The voice was muffled with what seemed a pillow. And it seemed both knew it wasn't meant to come out so hopeless.
"What is it? I'm sure with a little work it could be fixed love bug."
Love bug, was something of a reassurance, Harry thought. He called Louis that plenty of times during the Take Me Home tour when he was feeling a bit low. So Harry made sure to add it to the conversation, hoping to perk up the older boy but only caused a continuum of wrecked sobs.
"No Haz, it cant. I don't love him and I- I don't think I ever did. It wasn't a good month for me, you know that Winter messed me up so bad, and I just wanted someone who understood me through all of it, Allan did so I thought it was love, fate even, but I was so wrong Harry, so wrong."
Many things passed through his head,
like that was the Winter Harry got his heart broken,
the Winter when Louis began to drift away from the world,
the Winter they got the news Louis would no longer be apart of the band.
It went all downhill that year and Harry remembers it so perfectly.
It took a moment for the words to sink in, of course, what would you think when you're best friend told you he didn't love his husband anymore? Though he should feel relief that Louis was saying this, not just because Harry didn't like Allan at all, but because Louis hadn't been acting himself at all the past years which drew a line between harryandlouis.
With that Harry didn't need a further explanation, to say the least he knew what louis was implying. He wanted to say that he understood him, he knew how Louis felt in December and he will for the rest of his life. But for some reason that didn't seem like the right thing to say. This was about his broken friend, not him.
"What're you trying to say?" The response was fast and felt a lot like sorrow.
"You know what I mean, I want a divorce. Or just something that will fix this, please help me." And in the years that these two boys had been best friends, soul mates,(although one did not see it that way), Louis hadn't admitted he was wrong to many things. He was so sure of himself, he was confident, and to see that he regretted the hugest decision of his life, the one that ended One Direction, was a lot to take in.
"If you told me you were pregnant and needed me to go to the doctors with you, I'd go. I'll be here for you always, always Lou, you know that."
And he did, with all the fibers in that boys being, Louis knew through all the years, but as of sudden he wasn't so sure. It wasn't Harrys fault, not their schedules, but himself, and it was an accident.
It hurt him more than he let show because no one needed to know just how much Harry meant to him, well, except Harry himself.
He let out a small giggle as he wiped the stream of tears from his face. "I do. Haz I promise I do, it's just that, um, you know what never mind. You'll come with me tomorrow err I mean today later on yeah?" It felt as like someone replaced his heart with one of a rabbits during the duration of the phone call. He could not control how fast it pumped through his body.
"Course I will Lou, I'll be at your flat at 13:00 and we'll go get some coffee before. S' alright, nothing to be panicked about."
That reassurance made Louis smiled a bit, which quickly wiped off with a reminder.
"I wish we could do that, but Allan has to come, to agree, with the you know. He's been staying at a hotel as of late."
Memories of late night fights flashed through Louis' head though as much he just wished it would stop replaying. It was impossible because this wasn't just a fairy tale gone rogue, this was real life, the life he chose for himself. The one story he thought he got right.
Harry's yawning interrupted his thoughts and Louis hadn't put into consideration that it was 2 am and maybe Harry was getting tired.
"Oh okay. Well then, I'll see you tomorrow okay Lou? Sleep well."
He wanted to keep Harry on the line until he was assured that there would be no more puddles of tears to fill his duvet but that would be bad on his part. Harry didn't have to suffer with him.
"Thank you Haz, so much, for helping me, you've always been good to me and I don't give you enough credit. Goodnight."
And with the click of the receiver and the toss of his phone, he felt just as alone as he did in winter, 3 years ago.
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