It was a normal day in South Park, Colorado. The temperature was a comfortable 70, surprisingly. It was early September, and the residents of the small mountain town were expecting this nice weather for the rest of the week. People went about their day as normal, and in the school was no different. Kids chartered and wandered the halls, took notes, took naps, or just plainly messed around. It was no different for Mr. Wyland’s fifth grade class. The students were being rowdy as always, tossing balls of paper to each other or chatting in the back of the class. Mr. Wyland had learned over the years that the last half-hour before lunch was always the worst, and to just let the kids do what they want, otherwise there could be a riot. He was sitting at his desk, blissfully unaware of the insanity his students were causing while he read the newspaper.
Eric Cartman was, suspiciously, sitting quietly at his desk staring on a piece of paper. Kyle Broflovski paused in his conversation with his super best friend, Stan Marsh, and stared at Cartman. This was unusual behavior for the typically rowdy kid. What was he planning?
“Hey, Fatass, what’re you doing?” He demanded, leaning over to look at the paper on Cartman’s desk.
“Dudes, the new Red Racer video game is coming out this week!” Cartman said, seemingly unaffected by Kyle’s insult. “There’s gonna be vampires and pirates and the apocalypse! It’s gonna be epic!”
Kyle, despite despising Cartman for the past few years, eagerly leaned over for a closer look at the ad. This sounded awesome! Sure enough, the cover art for the video game did look amazing. The main character of the hit show, Red Racer, was standing in front of his famous race car in the midst of a fiery wasteland surrounded by legions of vampires, while in the distance in the ocean huge pirate ships were docked. Red Racer had a look of determination on his scarred face as he has his left arm raised, brandishing a holy gun. It looked pretty fucking cool. But what wiped the smile off of Kyle’s face was in the bottom corner.
“Dude, that’s nearly 300 dollars!” Stan exclaimed, who was looking over Kyle’s shoulder. “Where are you gonna get that kind of money?”
Cartman’s grin deepened, and Kyle couldn’t help but make the comparison to him and the Grinch. “I have an idea.”
“Oh my god. I don’t want any part of this.” Kyle stated, scooting back over to his desk. However Stan only leaned closer, staring at Cartman doubtfully, yet intrigued all the same.
“What’re you going to do?” He whispered. Kyle scoffed and rolled his eyes, glancing up at the clock. It was almost lunch time.
Cartman chuckled. “You’ll see at lunch.” He murmured, winking at Kenny, who was on Cartman’s other side, just as the bell rang.
“Ok kids, line up for lunch. Come on now, single file everyone.” Mr. Wyland ordered, setting the newspaper down as the kids eagerly lined up. Kyle stood between Stan and Kenny, never taking his eyes off of Cartman, who had stashed the video game ad in his backpack and was standing there, feigning an innocent expression. Kyle narrowed his eyes at the fat boy. What was he planning?
For lunch that day they had the choice of pizza or chicken drummies, with the side of either macaroni salad, tater tots, or green beans, with the dessert of the day; brownies. Once everyone had their food they all went to sit down at their table, along with Jimmy, Token, Craig, Tweek, Clyde, and Butters. Kyle couldn’t take his eyes off of Cartman, suspicion and weariness rising within him which causes him to tap his food nervously. Cartman was smiling innocently enough, and was eating his pizza with a relaxed expression. Kyle knew Cartman too well, however, and knew that Cartman was about to do something really dangerous or really stupid. Or possibly both.
Cartman finally cleared his throat loudly, gaining most of the table’s attention, except for Craig’s, who despite sitting with them every day never really talked to Cartman, Stan, or Kyle. Instead he was focused on eating his chicken, talking to Tweek while splitting the brownie between them. Cartman glared at Craig before clearing his throat again, this time gaining more attention from the surrounding tables. Craig still ignored him, but Tweek was staring at Cartman, twitching here and there while all in all practically hyperventilating on his seat. The kid drank too much coffee. Cartman was getting impatient, and coughed some more, now having the whole cafeteria’s attention.
“You choking or something?” Craig asked with little to no interest, yet he had glanced up from his food.
Cartman put on a sweet, manipulative smile and rested his chin on his folded hands. “Craig, Tweek, congratulations on your six month anniversary.” He said with a sickly sweet smile.
“Thanks.” Craig muttered, glancing at his boyfriend. It was true. It had been six months since Craig got back with Tweek, and now they were officially dating, much to the Asian girl’s pleasure.
“So… when’s the wedding?” Cartman asked.
At Cartman’s words, a deafening explosion of excited squeals erupted from the Asian girl’s table, while Craig dropped his chicken on the floor in shock, and Tweek’s eyes widened. “GAH! WHAT?!”
“We’re not engaged!” Craig exclaimed, anger lacing his eyes now as he frowned at Cartman.
Cartman gasped. “You’re not engaged yet? Then why is - oh my god is that Red Racer?” He suddenly asked, pointing to the wall behind Craig and Tweek. Tweek screamed and whipped around, which caused him to fall on the floor in his speedy moment. Craig leaned down to help his boyfriend, and while he wasn’t looking Cartman whipped out a plastic dollar store engagement ring and stuck it in the brownie, smirking as Craig and Tweek sat up. “As I was saying, if you’re not engaged, why has Craig places a very valuable and expensive engagement ring in the brownie you two are sharing?”
“OH MY GOD CRAIG, YES YOU DID!” Tweek exclaimed, pointing at the silver band with a blue gemstone sticking out of the brownie.
“I DIDN’T-” but it was too late. The Asian girls had seen, and so had the whole school. Several of the girls whipped out this sketchbooks and pencils and began drawing away, meanwhile the other students clapped in congratulations.
“Wow g-g-g-guys. Finally tie-tying the kn-kn-knot I see.” Jimmy said.
“Congratulations, man.” Token patted Craig on the shoulder.
“Wowsers! I’m happy for you fellas!” Butters exclaimed, clapping enthusiastically.
“Congrats.” Kenny’s muffled voice sounded enthused. It was obvious that he knew Cartman’s plan from the beginning.
“Holy shit, dudes.” Stan mumbled, clearly not expecting this to be the plan.
“Oh my god,” Kyle whispered, burying his face into his arms. Where the hell was Cartman going with this?
Chapter 2: Mr. and Ms. Wedding Planner
After lunch, privacy was nonexistent for the “newly engaged” couple. Tweek was freaking out as normal, and Craig was just straight up pissed. Over the past six months the hype of their relationship had died down and the town was really no longer interested in them. This had made Craig and Tweek happy, because now they could act like a normal couple and not be scrutinized by random strangers. The only people who had really kept bothering them were the Asian girls, but they merely admired from afar, happy that their “OTP” was “canon”. Whatever the hell that meant. Even then, however, they focused on other things too and not all of their attention was on Craig and Tweek. But now with the announcement that they were engaged and soon to be married, almost everyone in school was excited for them. Mostly the girls.
It was recess and Craig and Tweek were swarmed by the swingset. People kept crowding around them, asking a bunch of ridiculous questions like “what’s the theme?” or “what’s the cake going to look like?” or “who’s wearing the dress?” and, Craig’s least favorite, “when is it?”
While Craig handled it by flipping people off and telling them to get lost, Tweek was freaking out, squawking and yelling at every question. “I - GAH! - don’t know the theme!” “Um! Chocolate?” “DRESS?!” “I DON’T KNOW! AGH - WE HAVEN’T DECIDED ANYTHING!”
Meanwhile Stan’s gang were standing off to the side, watching the chaos unravel by the swing set. Kyle was merely shaking his head while Stan and Kenny stared in amazement at the chaos and Cartman was grinning evilly as his plan slowly unfolded itself in front of him. He then stuffed his hands into his pockets and made his way through the crowd, shoving people to the side to get to Craig and Tweek. Once he was standing by two couple he turned to everyone and cupped his hands over his mouth to use as a megaphone. “May I have your attention, please?” He yelled. The crowd hushed down a tad, most of the kids watching Cartman with anticipation while others, mainly Wendy Testaburger and Kyle, glared at him. “Thank you all for congratulating the newly engaged couple. As their wedding planner, It’s my great honor to announce that the wedding will be on Friday of next week!”
The crowd erupted in screams of excitement, dozens of kids clapping and squealing for the couple as people started chatting excitedly about the upcoming wedding. Craig and Tweek, however, were far less amused.
“FRIDAY?! THAT’S IN ONE WEEK!” Tweek exclaimed, pulling at his hair. Craig looked ready to punch Cartman in the face, when the fat kid continued.
“I’m sure you’re all just as excited for this wedding as I am - trust me, it’s going to be bigger than Kim Kardashian’s ass - but there is a small problem. A financial problem.”
Oh, here we go. Kyle thought.
“You see, Craig and Tweek here are poor. Like, poorer than Kenny-”
“-so they can’t have the wedding of their dreams.” Cartman continued, ignoring Kenny’s protest and looking sorrowful as he tried gaining sympathy from the audience. All of the Asian girls fell for Cartman’s trap and a few even started to cry. “So I ask you, please, make a donation to the Creek Wedding Foundation to help our sad, poor, homosexual classmates make their dream wedding possible.” Cartman pulled an old peanut butter jar with the letters “CWF” on it from out behind his back and opened it up. “Cash only. We do not take debit, credit, or checks.”
Almost instantly the Asian girl’s pushed to the front of the line, stuffing dollar bills into the jar and squealing, congratulating Craig and grabbing Tweek’s left hand, admiring the cheap ring that was wound around his ring finger (he HAD to! Everyone was staring!). Cartman thanked them softly, shaking hands with them as slowly every classmate made a donation. Every one of them except for Kyle. Once every kid had donated their change the jar was almost filled to the top. The Asian girls were still pestering Craig and Tweek, giggling and stuffing art into their faces while the rest of their classmates kept shouting questions at them. Cartman screwed the lid back onto the peanut butter jar with a smirk, stuffing it into his backpack as he turned around and started slipping away. There had to be over 300 dollars in that jar!
“Where are you going with Craig and Tweek’s money?” Wendy suddenly called, making everyone pause and turn to look st Cartman. Wendy had her arms crossed in front of her, her eyebrow raised as she waited for her answer. “They’re going to need it to get married.”
“Oh, well, my financial advisor and I need to count it so we can, um, know how much we have to work with.” Cartman quickly lied, grabbing Kenny by the elbow and dragging him into his side.
“Do you even know how to plan a wedding, Mr. Wedding Planner?” She demanded, taking a step closer to him.
“Y-yeah! I do!” Cartman spat.
“Oh yeah? What all do you need?”
“A cake, a, uh, ring, and um, a tuxedo and dress.” Cartman listed, smirking at Wendy.
“Oh so you don’t need a venue? What about catering? Decorations? Have you even talked to Craig and Tweek about what they want yet?” Wendy demanded, now standing directly in front of Cartman in a challenging way.
“We don’t want a wedding!” Tweek yelped, but it went unnoticed by everyone, who were focusing on Cartman and Wendy.
“Well I need to count the money before I can make any decisions, so ha!” Cartman laughed, crossing his arms in front of his fat gut.
“What’s going on here?” Mr. Mackey suddenly asked, walking up to Cartman and Wendy, who looked ready to rip each other’s throats out.
“Craig and Tweek are getting married! And Eric’s planning it!” Butters exclaimed.
“Oh, congratulations you two!” The counselor smiled, turning to the two boys. “But what’s the problem-”
“Eric might take their money!” Wendy protested, jabbing an accusing finger at Cartman.
“I would NEVER do that, you bitch-”
“Hey, hey, settle down now, m’kay? Now there seems to be a breach of trust from both parties. Now, Wendy, you think that Eric’s going to take Craig and Tweek’s wedding funds?”
“Yes Mr. Mackey.” Wendy testified, crossing her arms proudly.
“M’kay, and Eric, you’re just trying to help out Craig and Tweek?”
“M’kay, well I think I have a solution that both parties will agree to.” Mr. Mackey declared. “How about you both plan the wedding? Planning a wedding is difficult enough for the couple at hand, so the more people working on it, the easier it’ll be. As long as Craig and Tweek agree with it, m’kay?”
“We don’t!” Craig stated, but was once again ignored by everyone.
“Fine. I agree to this. Eric?” Wendy demanded, extending her right hand as a sort of peace offering.
Cartman grumbled under his breath, but reluctantly shook her hand. “Fine. Deal.”
“M’kay now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Mr. Mackey asked.
“No. It wasn’t.” Wendy said, still glaring at Cartman as she gripped his hand tightly. Even Cartman was surprised at her strength as it felt like she was about to snap a bone.
“M’kay. Well good luck, you two. I hope your wedding is everything you ever wanted.” Mr. Mackey congratulated Craig and Tweek, shaking their hands before sauntering back to the school, humming some sort of dumb tune.
Kyle sighed as he watched the crowd go back to harassing Craig and Tweek, and Wendy and Cartman were still locked in a vicious visual battle. Kyle shook his head and turned around, grabbing a basketball and starting to shoot hoops. This was going to end badly, he just knew it.
After school Craig and Tweek both agreed to cancel their date to the movies to see the latest hit, Asses of Fire 7: Flaming Hole. Tweek practically sprinted to his house, but Craig had other plans. He instead marched to Cartman’s house, closely being trailed by the girls. He ignored them, though. He had a score to settle.
Once he was in front of Eric Cartman’s door he pounded his fist on it until it started hurting, his rage bubbling dangerously close to the surface. So much so that his eyes started to sting, though not with tears. With something far worse.
Liane Cartman opened the door and glanced down at the seething Craig, who’s eyes appeared to glow. “Why, hello there. Are you looking for Eric?”
“Well he’s up in his room. Come in, would you like some-”
“No.” Craig was already halfway up the stairs with his hands balled into fists. This fatass went way too far this time.
Once he arrived at Cartman’s door it practically disintegrated before him, turning into a pile of black ash. Cartman and Kenny were in the room, sitting on the bed counting the money they’d gotten from Craig and Tweek. “Hey, Fatass!” Craig barked.
“Oh, hello Craig.” Cartman greeted him, writing something down in a notebook.
“Hey Craig-” Kenny’s muffled greeting was quickly cut off as he suddenly disappeared and instead a pile of ash replaced him. Craig didn’t care, though, since all of his focus was on Cartman.
“What the fuck are you planning, asshole?” He demanded, rolling up his sleeves.
“Your wedding, of course.” Cartman muttered, tallying something down as he placed a twenty in the small pile with the others.
“There’d better be 150 dollars in that stack, Eric!” Wendy’s shrill voice suddenly screeched from down the hall, followed by the bathroom door slamming shut and feet padding down the hall. Wendy Testaburger rounded the corner, pausing in slight surprise at the sight of Craig Tucker standing in the middle of Eric Cartman’s room, his normally blue eyes having a slight electric look to them. “Oh hey Craig!” She greeted cheerfully, wrapping her arms around the taller boy and giving him a congratulatory hug. “Congratulations on the engagement! So far we have gathered 150 dollars-”
“170, Wendy.” Cartman corrected her.
“Don’t interrupt me.” She snapped, glaring at Cartman before turning a friendly gaze to Craig. “We have gathered 170 dollars for the wedding! Now I have a few questions regarding the actual ceremony, is Tweek available?” She asked, walking over to Cartman’s desk and grabbing a bright purple notebook with the words “Creek Wedding Foundation” written on it as well as a pink sparkly gel pen.
“No, he’s not.” Craig growled, turning once again to face Cartman. “Fatass, why the hell are you doing this?”
“Because I want you and Tweek to be happy together. 175, Wendy.” Cartman lied, writing it down on the paper beside him. Craig couldn’t help but notice how much less enthused Cartman was now than when he had announced Craig and Tweek’s wedding.
“If you wanted that then why didn’t you just stay out of our business?” Craig demanded.
“Craig, I understand that weddings can be stressful, but there’s no need to be snappy.” Wendy said, trying to sound sympathetic.
Cartman sighed and set the pencil down, glancing up at Wendy. “Wendy, sweetheart, can you leave us guys alone for a few minutes? Let us have a guy chat?” He asked.
Wendy narrowed her eyes untrustingly at Cartman, but hopped down from the spinny desk chair and left the room quietly and heading downstairs. Once she was out of earshot, Cartman sighed and turned to Craig, folding his hands together and resting them on his lap. “Craig, I understand your frustration-”
“No you don’t.”
“-So I’ll come clean. You see, Kyle’s little brother, Ike, has AIDS. Because he’s Jewish and Canadian. I’m just trying to be a good friend and gain some money for his camo-therapy.”
Craig glared at Cartman, not believing a single word coming out of his mouth. “You’re an anti-semitic sociopath, dude.”
Cartman rolled his eyes in irritation. “Fine. There’s a new Red Racer game coming out next week and it costs 300 dollars. There, happy?”
“So you’re just capitalizing on me and Tweek’s relationship?” Craig demanded, feeling even more pissed off. Great. Was everyone just going to use him?
“If you’re not happy about it, call off the wedding.” Cartman dared, crossing his arms in front of each other. He already lost, he knew it. Now the Wendy was onto him he couldn’t do anything. Oh well. Not like there was enough money to get the game anyway, seeing as the only bills left were a few five’s and mostly one’s. That gave him, at most, 190 dollars, which wasn’t enough for the video game. Maybe he could beg his mom for the game instead.
Craig was about to agree, but he paused. He saw the annoyed, disappointed look on Cartman’s face, and realized that Cartman wanted out. He wanted Craig to let him give up. Craig smirked evilly as he stared at the fat bastard.
“No.” He said, crossing his arms. “You wanted to plan our wedding? Well that’s what you’re gonna do. Tweek and I are expecting an enormous wedding that’ll go down in history.” He declared, turning away and heading out the door. He headed down the stairs and saw Wendy sitting on the couch, staring at her notebook with her pen in her mouth. She glanced up at Craig as he stopped by her. “I’d like to schedule an appointment time for you, me, and Tweek so we can discuss the wedding more. Wanna come over to my house tonight at around 6?”
“Oh, um, yeah. I’ll bring Bebe, Red, Nichole, and Heidi.” Wendy stated, writing the information down with an excited smile plastered on her face.
“Good. You and Cartman are both in charge. Make sure he doesn’t fuck up my wedding.” Craig ordered.
“I will. I’ll see you two tonight, Craig!” Wendy called, smiling after the tall boy as he made his way down the sidewalk. The easy part was done, now all he had to do was convince Tweek to marry him. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?
I hope y’all are enjoying this so far. This is just gonna be something short and sweet.
Chapter 4: The Plan
Sorry for the long wait! Hope this is ok :3
Tweek slammed the door of his house with his heart racing a mile a minute. Oh god, oh GOD, OH GOD! THEY WERE GETTING MARRIED! He started pulling his hair out as he let out a loud scream. THEY WERE GETTING MARRIED IN A WEEK AND THEY WERE ONLY TEN!
“Tweek?” His father called from the kitchen, glancing at his son. “You're home early.”
“Dad!” He shrieked, throwing his backpack aside and shoving his left hand into his father's’ face. “Dad, Craig and I are getting married!”
Richard Tweak’s eyes widened as he took his sons’ hand, turning the plastic ring on his finger before glancing up at his wife, tears in his eyes. “Honey, our son is getting married.”
“What?” She asked, running over and snatching her sons’ hand, staring wide eyed at the ring. “To Craig?”
“To Craig!” Richard exclaimed, standing up and sweeping his wife into his arms. “Our gay son is getting married to his gay lover!”
“ACK!” Tweek squawked. They were happy?!
“Oh this is great for the coffee business!” Richard stated, giving his wife a brief kiss before turning to Tweek. “When’s the wedding?”
“GAH! Next week!” Tweek exclaimed, pulling his hair. “But I don’t want to-”
“Oh this is fantastic! We can cater, and we’ll invite all of our friends and who knows, maybe Aunt Marge will come! Oh this is going to be great! We could even cut prices in half that day and-”
“AGHHH!” Tweek screamed, running up to his room and slamming the door. Of course they were happy! He started pacing, scratching at his arms and pulling his hair. What was he going to do? What could he do? GAH! This was too much pressure! He let out another scream, and across the room on his perch, his parrot Kiwi-Mocha let out an equally loud squawk. Tweek screamed back, and soon enough the room was filled with violent screams and squawks. He needed a coffee.
Craig walked up to the Tweak house and knocked calmly. He was tossing ideas over in his mind of how to convince Tweek to actually go through with the wedding to make Cartman suffer, when Mr. Tweak answered the door.
“Craig!” He exclaimed, leaning down and pulling the boy into a tight hug. “Honey! It’s Craig!”
“Craig!” Mrs. Tweak squealed, and soon enough Craig was in the middle of a group hug, barely being able to breathe.
“Is - ngh - Tweek - hah - home?” He panted, squirming in their grip.
“Of course!” Mr. Tweak said, pulling away from his future son-in-law and gestured up the stairs. Craig could hear the sounds of Tweek’s stressed wails and the squawks from Kiwi-Mocha.
“Thanks.” Craig deadpanned, making his way up the steps to the second floor.
“Keep the door open! You don’t want to spoil your wedding night, do you?” Mr. Tweak called, making Craig’s blood run cold as he paused.
Oh fuck. Not this again. He thought as he proceeded up the stairs. Just how many people knew about this?
Craig opened the door to Tweek’s room, where he was in a yelling match with Kiwi-Mocha. Craig slammed the door shut, causing one last squeak to burst from Tweek before he whipped around to face Craig.
“GAH! CRAIG WHAT’RE WE GOING TO - NGH - DO?!” Tweek screamed, pulling at tufts of his hair.
Craig rushed over and gently grabbed Tweek’s wrists, pulling them down to his sides. “Don’t worry, honey. I have a plan.”
“Let me hear it!”
“Let's get married.” Craig monotoned.
Tweek was quiet for a second. “Really?!” He demanded. “That’s your plan?”
“Hear me out, honey. Cartman’s only doing this so he can get 300 dollars for a video game.” Craig explained.
Tweek’s eyes widened. “He is?! That fat bastard! I’m gonna - ah - beat him so fucking hard-”
“Hold on Tweek, let me finish. He only did this so he could get the money, but he doesn’t have enough money to get the game.”
“How is that our problem?!” Tweek demanded.
“Because he doesn’t want to plan the wedding anymore.”
“Then that’s a good thing!”
“Hold on. I was thinking we could do something better than just letting him off of the hook.” Craig countered, smirking a little as he got an evil look in his eyes.
“How would we do that?” Tweek asked wearily.
“Let’s let him plan our wedding, and at the end of it all, we’ll stage another break up.” Craig explained, a smirk on his lips as he stared at his “fiancé”.
Tweek noticeably brightened up, and he too smiled a bit. “So basically we - ngh - stress him out for a whole week for nothing?”
“Yeah. But this time, go easy on the acting, babe. You’re good, but a little too good.” Craig said.
Tweek let out a soft giggle. “Sorry. I just - ah - got too into the moment.”
Craig shrugged and extended his right hand. “Do you agree with this?” He asked.
Tweek smirked, and clasped Craig’s hand with an eager vigor. “Heck yeah! Let’s make that fatass pay!”