For over seventy years, when he was Hydra’s puppet, he was so used to the same view every time he was unfrozen or putted in the cryostasis : his containment’s frozen glass reflecting the faces of his master that changes from time to time and the doctors among some Hydra’s agents. During his time as Hydra’s most precious weapon; those person’s faces change but the one thing that is common between them is their cold blood, the rough stares and the malicious smiles. He was a person with that description too with only one difference: unlike them, he didn’t became the famous cold assassin winter soldier willingly, before that, James Buchanan Barnes was a free young man with dreams, who liked to flirt, charm girls and to look out for his brother from another mother Steve Rogers who became known as Captain America.
Even when he was in that state, controlled by those snakes through some words and unable to remember anything or to make any decisions, deep down, he knew that he wanted something, wished some kind of a change. He never discovered the nature of that want until that new year’s Eve day when he met her ˝ Natalia Alianovna Romanova ̏, she was 16 years old presented to him as his mission: train her and make her the best in the Black Widow Program. The moment his eyes landed on her, she became his Red Rose as she was with her red hair, green eyes like his night light that brighten his dark life. As time passed on, he knew that what he wished for so long and really wanted now is simply her, to be at his side and to be his and his she became literally at the age of 17 and ironically on a new year’s Eve day when the responsibles of the red room offered her virginity to him for there was some kind of a sick tradition for trainers to take their students virginity, even for the winter soldier that was sick but at least in his case it was different because she gave him her first time willingly not by a twisted order and from that moment she became his salvation as he became hers.
They decided to run away and start over in some other place; they considered the United States especially after he remembered a lot of his past; the past before Hydra stitched her claws and destroyed him. They planned for everything, unfortunately, everything has an end and their happiness ended just when they were about to cross Spain’s borders. He was brainwashed again by that god forsaken machine but deep down in his brain, he knew something very important was a miss, the red color always affected him and felt like it was trying to awaken something like a memory in him to the point that it affected his missions and those doctors tried everything in their power to erase every flicker of memory that is related to his Natalia or the red color but it was in vain for the human brain is so complicated and it is impossible to understand it or the mechanism of work and his effects on the subconscious because that’s where some memories are stocked or stuck in some cases, so it was almost impossible to completely erase anyone’s memories and he was so thankful for that, for every time he was unfrozen after that and opened his eyes, he didn’t see his master’s face or those of Hydra’s agents but red hair and a beautiful set of green eyes that struck him each time with the look in them: pure affection, warmth and something else he couldn’t name. In those times that look was what gave him warmth and a flicker of happiness. He tried so hard to remember who that girl was but all he could know was that she was important to him and that was irritant but there was times when dreams of him embracing a red haired girl in his arms, making love and laughing, which he never did before as far as he can recall, invaded his sleep which helped him a lot during those time when his head was a total chaos and made him feel more human and less of a puppet or a killing machine and he was so grateful.
He finally remembered her- even if not entirely- after the battle in the German airport which gave him hope but after the doctors in Wakanda helped him regain control over himself, restored his memories and got rid of the effect of the trigger words, that hope was mixed a need and a fear. A need to have another chance in order to be with her, to have her in his arms again, to be able to realize their dreams and a fear of not being able to have that second chance because he’s a refuge, a wanted criminal or worst; that she doesn’t feel the same toward him anymore.
Fortunately, it seemed that fates were kind to him and decided to end his misery and gave him his second chance because here he is, lying in the bed, looking at his reason of life, the love of his life, his beautiful wife, his Natalia.