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Never Go Back

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Four walls of reinforced steel served as confinement for the only inmate of the cell. The magnetic seal with hundreds of numeric combinations kept the door shut. Inside the secluded room a bed protruded from the right wall and the opening in the ceiling allowed the insertion of a plasma lamp that illuminated him at low capacity. He didn’t care. In that sterile and empty surrounding the silence oppressed him, not the six square meters of space. Its presence should feel familiar. Months ago he would have laughed of his jailers, calling them foolish for thinking that they would achieve something by imprisoning him, yes, he would have told them that the security wouldn’t hold him back and that as soon as he escaped they would face him. A fight? Riots? Having to run away? Nothing he hadn’t been over. Before everything would have been so easy… but not anymore.

Yes, he got away from his family seeking power and, maybe, something else. Given the chance, he would do it again. Six months ago he would have dealt with his desertion from the First Order and the need to hide without problem. But six months ago he would have ran away by himself and didn’t care about anything. Things had changed to that extent.

When they brought her he knew to some extent. The girl and the ship crashed during an attack against one of his… the bases, the others had tried to help her, but his Stormtroopers got ahead. Come to think about it, maybe he should have let them rescue her, that way they both would have saved the trouble. He ended up empathising too much with her. What started like some courtesy visits to supervise that nobody harmed her, interrogate her to find out what the resistance plotted or seduce her to the Dark Side mutated into an unexpected and toxic complicity. His master wasn’t wrong, he had compassion for the girl. For Rey . Yes, as soon as they captured her again and he set his eyes on her, Kylo Ren knew that Rey would be the death of him.

Of course that the bond played on favour of their attachment, it didn’t come easy to resist someone when you can feel their emotions. As Rey went from hating to understanding him, he went from blocking her to let himself be convinced. Where had that taken them? Exactly, where? To consummate a relationship with codependence doomed to failure, because he didn’t keep control and fell in love with his greatest enemy. Out of all the people of the galaxy he could have run into, the Force decided to pair him with the only one that could cause his destruction. And he fell at her feet.

I don’t want to end up loving you, Rey. I’ve never been good at it. We’ll both lose ”. That’s what he’d told her back then, but, as always, she had to break into his mind with the strength of a hurricane. “ Pity. That way we might be even, I guess that makes you the winner ”. That was the first time Rey had, even, insinuated that she corresponded him. And, maybe, sensing the mess she had cause within him, she added: “ come with me ”.

He didn’t refuse when Rey introduced the coordinates of the resistance base, nor when the ship landed on that sewer, he wouldn’t have been able to, she felt happy for surviving and having “rescued him from the Dark Side” and he didn’t have it in him to erase her smile. When they got off, the only ones who didn’t welcome him with guns or shooting were his uncle and his mother. He still remembered with some embarrassment the tug he’d felt in his chest when Rey stood between the crowd and him, causing a general stupor. Nobody understood.

Rey told his mother about his supposedly reconversion to the light. She convinced a Leia willing to believe in stories of nights, nights where he sat by her side, looking out for her so no one hurt her while she slept. As if that or the conversations about his doubts, Snoke’s lies, or all of the holocrons with images of rain he had brought her, served as proof that he shouldn’t be executed.

Of course, her narration of the escape meant to persuade everyone. Rey spoke resolute about how he had taken a shot for her. At the meantime, he looked at his bandaged arm without giving it too much importance. He found it easier to handle his own pain than Rey’s. The girl told them that he constantly stood between her and the gunfire of the Stormtroopers when they fought side by side, until they reached the safety of the ship and lightspeed.

Nevertheless, Kylo knew that very few people would believe Rey.

As he expected, Rey’s enthusiasm and protective attitude hadn’t gained him any friends. Dameron and FN2187 hated him. He tried to keep calm for her sake, every time they gave him a glance or addressed him condescently he ignored it.

He wasn’t in the best possible situation with the high command of the resistance, who wished to get their hands on him to hang him, either. The fact that it didn’t happen was due to his mother’s influence and his uncle, who also understood the implications of the bond. By the time, Kylo walked through tightrope. The situation got on Rey’s nerves, he could feel her fear through the bond, it tore him to see her like this. He intended to calm her by projecting nice thoughts in her mind, images of rain, telling her that with her mother’s help there was nothing to worry about… if only he could start to believe it himself.