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It is the star to every wandering bark

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Unbeknownst to anyone but his family and his closest friends--who are the same people, because he has alienated basically everyone by the time he's run over by a truck full of ham--Artistic Director Han Solo's Last Will and Testament clearly states that his skull should be used in productions of Hamlet.

When Kaydel Ko Connix discovers this notarized desire, she starts crying all over again. It's not easy running the front office of a theater company on the best day.

This is far from the best day.

At least when she calls Leia and asks, "Do you know about the, the skull thing," Leia laughs and says she does, and that she'll take care of it for the old bastard.

Some days later, Leia cradles his skull in her hands and muses, “It’s lighter without the ego."

Leia got arrested for chaining herself to a theater. Somehow, this leads to her being the new artistic director of the theater. She preferred the jail cell.

Kylo Ben, who uses his grandfather's last name, is the evil corporate nonsense who just wants to shut down the theater to spite his mom.

Rey is not super-great at playing love interests, but boy, can she cartwheel. She's learning how to look wide-eyed with adoration from some coaching and "coaching" with Finn, Poe, and Rose.

Finn is the ingénu who is just so excited to understudy one of the main characters because he’s been doing only Corny Smacks commercials before he finally got the nerve to quit his former agent, Phasma, and be taken under the wing of big-time Hollywood actor Poe.

Poe is the dad to angry teensy smol genderfluid Bee-bee. Despite his connections, he wants the best for everyone, but sometimes he's a little pushy about the best way to go about things. It's not the best idea to remind Leia of her dad.

Chewie is directing Uncle Vanya and has no time to take on Hamlet.

Threepio is the manic and confused stage manager. He does not shout. Artoo shouts a lot.

Rose builds the sets. She can build you a thrust stage in a week. She can also be depended upon to make sheep bleat humorously. Her sister Paige is the only one who knows she always memorizes entire play, would be excellent understudy for any role ever. She's just a giant theater nerd and is so happy to help make the theater run.

Lando is one of the happily married guys who have been in the company forever who also knows everything about absolutely everything, including why Leia lost her marbles a while back--which might, potentially, have been because Han and Holdo slept together, or at least that's the explanation everybody's going with.

Holdo is the diva. She is very bitter. About everything. She hates Leia. She despises Luke. She’s glad Han is dead (or so she says). She is totally fucking Leia, eventually, again, when Leia isn’t screaming at Han’s ghost.

Han’s ghost keeps Leia up at night. ...They argue a lot, too.


Arguing seems to be a very popular pastime in the office, these days. “We dueled in university,” Leia says of Luke Skywalker, offhandedly, while Connix is trying to talk to her about directing Hamlet or talking to corporate wonks about Shakespeare.

“You dueled?” Connix asks.

“Lightsabers in the quadrangle at midnight. That’s how I got this scar.” Leia points to her cheek, where she does not have any visible scar, let alone one left by a lightsaber.

“Corporate at ten.” Connix clears her throat. “Don’t tell them that story.”


Luke has been to Germany. They understand his New Aesthetic there. He returns to the theater after some years away to do a post-modern take on Hello, Dolly! It is set in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. He refuses to admit to ever having watched WALL-E.

The list of people who know that Leia is Luke’s twin sister is vanishingly small, if you don’t count everyone in the front office (they don’t, because they are, at heart, actors, even though they're technically directors). Therefore, the people who know include: Connix, because she is the front office; Holdo, because she’s known Leia for a decade and at least once she said “my fucking brother” by mistake; Kylo Ben, perforce, who just wants his uncle to take over and run the theater like a business; Lando, because Lando knows everything; and Han, who’s no longer at liberty to tell anyone and was sworn to secrecy by a blood oath.

Luke doesn’t believe in ghosts.

Leia hasn’t spoken to their father, who directs giant blockbuster shlock in which everything blows up, since the phone call her last semester of college when he screamed, “That ‘shlock’ pays your tuition!”

She yelled back, “I’m changing my last name to Smithee!”

She changed it to Naberrie instead, determined to make her way on her own merits.

Luke was swept up in the romanticism of the gesture. He considered hyphenation. She told him if he ruined her incognito she would never speak to him again either. He kept Skywalker, but “didn’t use his connections.” Much. He’s only done arthouse films, anyway.


Obi-Wan comes to direct a play at Leia's invitation. He used to be one of Anakin's best friends and trained both Leia and Luke in Method Acting back in the day.

He also used to be a Scientologist, but he's getting better.