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I'm Broken But I'm Okay

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Hands. They were everywhere. Rough and callous, gripping tightly onto his jacket as he struggled to get away. He's not going to get away, not against a ghoul.

Said ghoul began to sniff at his neck, and he cringed when he felt a tongue licking at his skin.

"You smell delicious," He said. He would've said something, but the ghoul's hand was in the way. He could only stare, somewhat in panic, at the glowing red eye that was eyeing him back, a hunger that didn't seem too hungry for eating him. "Bet you taste delicious too," The ghoul purred, and the human groaned when the hand gripping him slid down, down to a place no one else should be touching. "I think I'm going to enjoy you...."

His back hit the ground, his clothes torn, and he was trembling, scared, as the ghoul lifted his legs. He wanted to speak out, to tell him to stop, but there was a throbbing organ being pressed against his rear, hot and ready, and tears starting to form in his eyes.

He screamed.

Hide gasped awake, sitting up on his bed, eyes wide. His breathing came to a slow as he looked around and realize he was in his apartment, not outside in the snow, not when he was cornered by the male ghoul. Gulping slightly, a trembling hand came across his neck, throat dried as sand.

It had only been a week since the incident, and he still wasn't over it. Of course, things like rape was never going to be over in a quick, flash, and a hurry, but the fact that memory still hold some power over him like this...

Hide curled up in himself, and laid on his side, eyes watering.

Maybe this is what he gets for trying to find Kaneki. The black haired ghoul had pulled away because he'd been afraid of what he was going to do to Hide, right? Why did he have to ruin that? He could've just stayed home and waited. He was sure Kaneki would never forget him, and once he'd felt safe, he'll come back to him.

He was wrong for thinking that.

Since the raid on Yamori, he hasn't seen nor hide of Kaneki. He thought he would've been back at Anteiku by now, but apparently, he was still gone. The human started to tremble even more.

Honestly, Hide, you're being a big baby, a voice pratted in his head. Kaneki had it worst then you. He was tortured, while your pain was done and over with. If Kaneki can come out on top, so can you. He hated this voice, he wanted it to go away. He wanted that memory to go away, to never be spoke about, and wish, god does he wish, to have Kaneki with him. To have him in his arms and tell Hide that everything is okay. But he doesn't have him; he doesn't have anyone, and now Hide was suffering alone.

He sniffled.

It hurts, make it stop, stop please, it hurts. Please, please, please, no more, I can't, please, don't-

"It hurts, Kaneki," He whispered into the empty room. "It really, really hurts."


Later that day, with the sun going down (Hide holding himself up in his room all day), the brown haired teen had open the door and made his way to the kitchen. He wasn't sure he could eat, but he was going to try, if not for himself, then for Kaneki.

He couldn't help but feel as though there were claws digging into his back as he walked passed.

Teeth digging into shoulder, grunts and groans mingling with his whimpers and cries, blood slipping down his thighs, and it hurts. It hurts so much, he wanted it to stop.

"Please," He muttered. "P-Please..."

"Please what? Please keep going?" The ghoul's grin widen as did the panic inside the human's chest, staring at his rapist in terror. "Okay!"

"NO!"

Hide shivered as he open the door to his fridge and then frowned. He didn't realize most of the things he had were spoiled over. Time to go outside, Hide, the same voice sneered. Time to face the big, bad world you've been hiding from. He bit his lip.

He hasn't left his apartment since the incident, too scared that it would occur again just by being outside. He often gotten calls from the CCG, since he was their delivery boy and all, and he had decided to tell them over the phone that he had quit. He wasn't going back there anymore. Get a hold of yourself, Nagachika. The worst thing that could happen is meeting that ghoul again.

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of," He muttered to himself, slipping on his coat and heading towards the door. It was getting late, and he knew it was stupid to be heading out when the ghouls are out, but Hide was hungry and he didn't....he didn't want to stay in his apartment forever. He still have to search for Kaneki. Do you even want to? After what has happened to you? Would Kaneki even care? He seems to care more about his ghoul friends than he does with you. "Please just...shut up."

He open the door, shivering when the wind blew past, before closing it behind him and heading out. He could always head out to Big Girl, but he needed something that would last for a while since Hide rarely comes outside anymore.

"Hideyoshi?" A voice called out, making Hide paused. He slowly turned around and realize it was that girl at the coffee shop, the one he thought Kaneki had a crush on. "I thought that was you. I haven't seen you since...well..." Touka didn't have to say anything else, he already knew what, or rather, whom, she was referring to. "You haven't dropped by Anteiku. Is...something a matter?"

"Ah! I-uh, um...." Hide had no excuse, not when his brain is currently shut down from the incident. "S-Sorry. I've been busy with stuff, and hadn't had the time to visit..."

Touka stared at him. For a while, he thought she could see right through him (maybe she did), but then she spoke: "Well, when you do find the time, stop by okay? We're kind of worried about you. Even if Asshole Glasses won't admit it."

Hide kind of smiled. "What about you?"

Touka blushed.

"I can admit that your absence is bothersome, unlike some people." She snorted, folding her arms and Hide, for once since the incident, chuckled.

"Right. I'll stop by soon, Touka. You don't have to worry about me!" He grinned. Before Touka could say anything, he was already waving goodbye and walking away from her. Her eyes soften.

"Idiot," She whispered. "I am worried about you."

She may not know what happened, but there was a certain smell hanging onto Hide that hadn't been there before. It was a smell of a ghoul, a nasty one too. She balled her hands into a fist.

If anything happened to Hide, Kaneki was not going to be happy about it, she knew for a fact.