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Halloween Town My Ass

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A bell rang. 

Spike groaned as his head pulsed with a headache that only accompanied a hangover - the kind he was unfortunately intimately familiar with - and blinked the dryness from his eyes. He cursed his past self's stupidity for not tried to hydrate a little bit before passing out and let out another pathetic sound when he became aware of the foul taste in his mouth. Apparently, someone - most likely himself - had decided that his mouth made a suitable substitute for an ashtray.

The doorbell rang again, and Spike held onto the futile hope that one of his roommates would answer the door. It rang once more, this time the noise was drawn out, as the ringer grew impatient. Spike's head throbbed, and he turned over to get to his feet, but he fell to the floor instead as he rolled off the edge of the couch. 

"Fuck," he muttered, his face squished against the floor. Spike wished that someone would just come and put him out of his misery. No such luck. The doorbell rang again. With a monumental effort, Spike got to his feet and slouched to answer the door. 

"Yes?" He asked the man holding a clipboard. The man jumped to attention and gestured to the towering stack of cardboard boxes beside him.

"Hi, I-I have a delivery for a - erm - Jet Black?"

"Where do I sign?" Spike asked, deciding it would be too much of a hassle to get Jet to deal with this.

"You're Jet Black?" The deliveryman peered at Spike in disbelief before handing him a pen and holding out his notepad. Spike scribbled in overenthusiastic cursive to make the signature illegible, growing increasingly uncomfortable with the man's shameless staring. "I thought you'd be bigger because of the - you know," he trailed off at Spike's blank look.

Spike was tempted to take offence to that since he was tall, thank you very much. Just because he wasn't built like a tank like Jet didn't mean he was any weaker than him; his muscles were lean and more suitable for running.

"Because of what?" Spike leaned against the doorway, content to watch the man squirm.

"You look human is all I meant." The deliveryman hastened to correct himself. Human? What kind of shrooms had this guy eaten? Spike decided that it was too early for this shit, even though it was noon, and was about to dismiss the man when a loud thump followed by Ed's squealing did it for him. 

"Ah, have a nice day sir!" The deliveryman saluted, looking spooked, and scampered to his car.

"Spiiiiike~" Ed danced up to him with Ein at her heels, pawing at the front of his suit like a cat before vaulting up onto Jet's packages. She flopped down onto her back and gazed at Spike upside down. "What's inside?"

"I don't know. Jet ordered it." Spike pinched his nose and slid a hand into his pocket, grimacing when he found a half-smoked cigarette. He took it out and shrugged before pulling out a lighter and took a draw as he lit it again.

"Jetto-san, Jetto-san, hungry!" Ed sang, clawing at the tape and sniffing at it excitedly; the weirdo. Spike gave Ein a look to tell him to control his human before turning on his heels and went to get Jet. Humans - when had everyone in this godforsaken world lost their mind?

Spike knocked on Jet's door and jumped when a feral growl ripped through the air. When had Jet gotten a dog?

"What!" Jet snarled through the closed door, and Spike scratched the back of his head. He sure was cranky this morning.

"You're delivery is here. I'd hurry if I were you; Ed's opening it as we speak," he said and leapt back when the door slammed open. Jet towered over him; his beard bushier than usual and his eyes shone gold. There was no dog inside, and Spike blinked. "Nice contacts."

"Wha- I don't have time for this." Jet shook his head, and Spike heard his stomach growl when he shouldered past him. 

"Whatever, man." Spike sighed and trudged into the kitchen, stepping over a line of salt on the floor. He paused before deciding that he didn't want to know. His roommates were a superstitious bunch, and Spike couldn't be arsed to clean up their mess.

Faye was sitting on top of the counter, eating straight from a can with a spoon like a savage. Spike grimaced at the sight of the goopy pink-grey curdle she was so fond of, and it occurred to him that she'd been awake this whole time. That witch could have answered the door!

"What the hell are you looking at?" she frowned at him, and Spike was surprised to see that she appeared worse than he felt; she looked like she'd just risen from the grave.

"Nothing. Just had a bizarre morning," Spike said and threw himself into one of the chairs to slouch in misery.

"Oh, yeah? How so?" Faye didn't look remotely interested as she shovelled more food into her mouth; she was the epitome of decorum

"That delivery man was kooky as hell. He was surprised that I looked human. What is this? Halloween Town or something?" Spike said in vexation but felt too rotten to do anything more than sticking his cigarette back between his lips. Faye stared at him incredulously before bursting into laughter.

"You don't know! How can you not know?" She yelled between snorts of laughter and nearly upended her can of goo over her lap.

"Know what?" Spike asked resentfully.

"Oh, this is precious!" Faye kicked the cabinet with her feet. The racket she was making attracted the others, and Spike prepared himself for utter humiliation.

"Faaaaaaye!" Ed threw herself onto the ground and blew petulantly on the line of salt. It didn't budge. Ein broke through it with a lick of his tongue and Ed rolled inside with a laugh. Jet followed her, carrying in his boxes without breaking a sweat. He put them down in front of the fridge and started to stack wrapped packages of raw meat into it, slapping Ed's seeking hand away with a growl.

"Jet! Spike doesn't know!" Faye said, taking delight in Spike's bewilderment.

"Know what?" Jet asked with disinterest as he unwrapped a slice of meat and licked his fingers free of blood.

"He thinks we're human!" Faye pointed at Spike with a sharp grin.

"Stop messing with me! Of course, I think you guys are human!" Spike glared at Faye as she was nearly in tears now, cackling like a banshee.

"Ahahhaaa~" Ed pranced up to Faye but reeled back with a hiss when she brandished her spoon at her. "Faye, you meanie! I just want to taste." Ed pouted and rolled away, Ein barking when she planted her ass on his back.

"No wonder he's been so chill all this time," Jet said and tore into the raw meat with gusto. Spike felt queasy from watching Jet's attempt to sustain food poisoning and turned towards Faye again.

"Didn't you read our ad when you applied to become our roommate?" Faye asked him incredulously, her amusement fading away.

"No, I just saw how cheap the rent was and didn't bother to read any further," Spike said breezily.

"That explains so much," Faye sighed and pointed at herself, "I'm a seventy-seven-year-old zombie, Spike."

"You really are a hag," Spike muttered spitefully before he could help himself. He then backtracked when he realised that he'd agreed with her, "but I'm not an idiot so jokes on you."

"I'm a werewolf," Jet said, and Spike whipped around in disbelief that Jet was playing along. He blanched at the sight of Jet's blood covered teeth. No way. Spike wanted to stew in denial for a couple of more years, but he knew that Jet's aggressiveness peaked around the full moon and Faye's penchant for eating brain from a can.

"What's wrong with you?" Spike directed the question at Ed, but the girl was too busy hugging Ein to offer him an answer.

"She's a fae," Faye said with her hands on her hips and gestured at Ed, "Why do you think she refuses to use our cutlery? There's always a smidgen of iron in everything metal."

Spike resolved to buy Ed some chopsticks, but he suspected that she liked to eat with her hands like a wild animal.

"At least Ein's a normal corgi," Spike said but sighed when Jet shook his head.

"Einstein's a shapeshifter; he just likes being a dog," Jet said, and Spike looked into Ein's brown eyes with a profound sense of betrayal.

"Whatever, I don't care as long as I don't have to eat Faye's cooking again," Spike said after a moment and found that he didn't really mind; they were all a bunch of weirdos, but the rent was unbelievably cheap.

Spike crawled back onto the couch, intent on passing out again.


Halloween was going to be great this year.