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Those Obnoxious Relatives

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It was the first day of summer vacation, so for the Tendo and Saotome families that could mean only one thing: Beach time! The weather was glorious, the sun high in the clear blue sky. The clouds must have also taken a break, so why not follow their lead and head somewhere you can properly enjoy it?

"Ah, this is nice!" Nabiki said, stretching out as she tugged off her shirt. She was already wearing her swimsuit underneath, a dark purple one piece which she showed off with a twirl and a smirk. "Had to go on a diet to make sure I fit properly."

"Huh, really?" Ranma asked. In girl form, because for someone with a Jusenkyo curse the act of staying in regular non-cursed form was as futile a task as trying to teach Genma Saotome manners. "Wow, you girls really gotta give it your all don't you?"

This earned him three sets of annoyed stares, because Ranma was standing there wearing a bright blue one piece with the word "boy" across her chest. A trio of boys strolled by and not a one of them had eyes for Nabiki when there was a cute and busty redhead right there to stare at.

"Hey Ranma! Want to let me bury you in the sand?" Nabiki asked, wielding a bucket and shovel in the most menacing manner one can wield such tiny toys.

"Nabiki!" Akane warned. "Just because Ranma is an insensitive ass doesn't mean you can torment him."

"Yeah!" Ranma nodded. "That's her job."

A sharp elbow to the gut, and Akane was off. Ugh, honestly! Can't he just cut it with the insensitive comments and the snark? For a day. That might be nice. Oh well! On the plus side there was no sign of -


... Guh! Really? Akane rubbed her temple in dismay and beheld the sight of Happosai tormenting some poor girl in a tiger print -

"Pervert!" Zap. Akane finished the thought: Bikini. "I may not know a lot about earth customs, but I at least know that is highly inappropriate!"

The girl turned around and her green hair played off the sunlight. After a moment she caught sight of Akane, smiled, and floated over - yes, floated over to her, over the sand waving cheerfully at her. Those were fangs. Huh! Relative of Ryoga maybe? They didn't look lost...

"Hi there!" the girl said. "I'm a little lost, could you help me out?"

Appearances could be deceiving. But no, surely not. This girl couldn't possibly be related to -

"I'm looking to get to a place called the Tendo dojo, in a place called Furinkan. Do you know where it is?"

"Uh..." Akane quirked an eyebrow. "May I ask why you want to go there?"

"Oh, well... I'm visiting relatives."

Ladies and gentlemen, it may prove prudent to remind you all at this time that the time honoured favourite activity of all who live and dwell within the Furinkan area is "grabbing the wrong end of the stick." If it were possible for this to be an Olympic event, Furinkan would bring home the gold in perpetuity. It was a reflexive habit at this point. Compounding matters further is that by this time Akane has managed to do this so often thanks to Ranma's... Quirky behaviour and quirkier friends that her thought process went like this:

"So, that makes it sound like we're her relatives because she's trying to get to our place... But then again, I have made leaps to conclusions that weren't true quite often of late. Like that time Ranma stumbled into my room shirtless and with his bare chest glistening with oil. Or the time it sounded like Ryoga was trying to tell me he loved me, when he was actually really really hungry for some pork. Hm... I wonder what Kasumi brought for lunch. Probably sandwiches... I could have at least helped her make sandwiches, I don't mess those up! In fact I've been dying to try a combination rice cake and hot pepper sandwich, with a sprinkling of cinnamon...

"Oh right! This strange floating girl was wanting to visit the dojo! I bet she's looking for Ryoga. He hangs out more at our place than he does at his own, so that must be it!"

Aloud, she said "You had better come with us. My name is Akane, what's yours?"

"I'm Lum!" the girl said, flashing a big toothy grin. It would be beautiful if it didn't also look like she could bite your fool head off in a single go. "Ah, between you and me, I'm not actually human."

Akane looked at the horns on her head, then at the distance between feet and ground.

"You don't say..." she muttered, nonplussed. She'd seen weirder by now. At least this Lum was nice.

"I'm an Oni!" the girl continued. "Ah, and... Don't tell anyone, but we're planning to invade next week. I snuck off because I wanted to meet my cousins and uncle before we took over."

"Oh!" Akane's face fell. "That's... That's really nice."

Oh crap! She'd just learned that an alien force was coming to take over the planet! She glanced over Lum's shoulder. Happosai was still lying there on the ground, his hands reaching up and twitching. Guh! And they could take out someone like him so easily! That old man was one of the two strongest fighters she'd ever seen!

"S-Sooooft!" Happosai mumbled. Ah. His hands weren't twitching. They were groping. Which meant... "I must feel those again! Kukukuku!"

"Run!" Akane yelled, grabbing hold of Lum's hand and pulling her off down the beach while Happosai rose like the demon he truly was. She didn't look back. She didn't dare. She could feel his battle aura, and even that was making her want to stop in place. A single glance and the sheer mortal terror would grip her soul for the rest of the day.

"There's no escape!" Happosai's voice echoed across the beach.

Funny thing about Akane. Telling her she can't do something is the most assured way to make her attempt it. Trouble is that, well, have you tried to run quickly through sand? It doesn't go well. Your feet keep on sinking in, the ground's not that even, you have real trouble judging how much force you need to put in at any given step to maximise efficiency and - Oh, would you look at that, she was flying!

"Ooh, that old man is really scary," Lum observed, carrying Akane underarm as she flew upwards. "Also... Tcha, maybe consider losing weight?"

"It's muscle! Not fat!" Akane yelled upwards. "Muscle is heavier than fat!"

Lum shot her a look as if to say 'Yeah, sure.' But if she was about to make a comment it was interrupted by a loud "Hotcha!" and a small bundle of perversion leaping for Lum's chest. Akane's face went pale. She could see electricity arcing around Lum's body - while she was holding onto Akane! She had to think quickly. She had to think fast! Unfortunately the only tactic she had seen which ever worked against the old man was -

"Hey, isn't that Ranma rubbing suntan lotion on his girl form's chest?"

And the old man was gone. Sorry Ranma. She internally promised to make it up for him later on. Maybe a foot rub, or... Oh! Cupcakes! Yes, she could always treat him for putting up with that old pervert so much.

"Sorry about him," Akane sighed. Lum set her down on a nearby wall, and Akane set herself into a seated position staring out at the sea. "He's a real troublemaker. Nobody can control him. I doubt he can even control himself. Lousy stinking pervert..."

"That's alright," Lum said, setting herself down next to Akane. "I don't mind perverts if they're at least cute."

Oh, so this alien was one of those kind of girls was she? Akane sighed again. Poor Ryoga, having to deal with an alien like this for a relative. She really did feel sorry for that poor boy. Life kept on kicking him, it seemed.

Of course, she was still holding onto that stick by its wrong end like a championship contender. It absolutely refused to penetrate her skull that this girl was, in point of fact, her cousin on her mother's side.

There was something to be said for enjoying a picnic lunch. Refreshing drinks and chilled food, all served on a blanket surrounded by sand and surf!

WHAM! “Go drown you old freak!” Ranma finally managed to successfully boot the ancient and terrible evil into the ocean, where hopefully that octopus that was in love with him would find him again and keep the ancient evil pervert busy for a couple days at least.

“Oh darn. If Grandfather isn’t here then we’ll have too much food.” Kasumi said.

“That’s your concern?” Ranma asked, “No problem. I’ll just take the old freak’s share.”

“Or you can not be a pig today.” Akane said, popping up behind her. Ranma turned around to stick her tongue out at her fiancee and maybe start a fun bickering session when she noticed the floating girl in the bikini next to Akane.

“Oh wow, Earth food!” The girl said, she was floating, and had fangs… and horns. Huh.

“Huh? Where’s dad and Mr. Saotome?” Akane asked, sitting down on the blanket and opening a can of soda.

“Happosai dropped a ton of stolen swimsuits on them. They’re still running from the angry mob.” Nabiki opened on one of the lunchboxes provided. “Who’s the floating girl?”

“Hi! I’m Lum!” She said, sitting down to the left Akane. Ranma sat down at Akane’s to the right. Glancing over at the weird floating girl… wow there was this almost mirror image. Cut her hair, dye it blue, and cover up the horns and the two would look almost identical! Well there the weird fangs and-

“She’s Ryoga’s cousin or something.” Akane said.

Oh that made sense. It would explain the fangs.

“And the fangs? Horns?” Nabiki asked.

“Now Nabiki, don’t make fun of cosplay.” Kasumi said.

“..cosplay?” Lum said, “No way! They’re real. I’m an Oni.”

“Wait, like that annoying thing that possessed Kasumi awhile back?” Ranma asked.

“Oh no. Those things are actually called Ooounees. They just like to call themselves Oni when going to other planets to sound tough.” Lum said.

“Other planets?” Kasumi asked.

“Oh! Right… right.” She leaned forward, pulling the other three (and a half) girls around them. Her voice slipping to a conspiratorial tone. “You see, I’m an alien. My aunt married an earthling and had a family. I hear I can find them if I go to this “Tendo Dojo” place.”

“Good idea heading there.” Ranma said, “Ryoga’s so lost he spends more time at our house then his own!”

“So wait, are you trying to keep it a secret?” Nabiki said.

Lum nodded, “Yeah until next week when there’s the big announcement!”

Kasumi reached into the bag and pulled out a large straw hat, “Maybe keep this on until you find Ryoga OK?”

“Oh good idea.” Lum took the har.

“Wait, before you do how about some pictures?” Nabiki said, pulling a camera from… somewhere. “I’m a bit of a hobbiest.”

"That hobby is bilking people out of money." Ranma flatly said. “Word of advice Lum, don’t let her get her claws into or else you’ll have all your money sucked out of you.”

“Oh come on Ranma. She’s not that bad.” Akane huffed.

"You're right. She's worse." Ranma said, and in response Akane reached across from Lum and gave that cheek a right strong tug! “Ow you little!” Ranma lashed out and pinched Akane’s cheek, and the two kind of collapsed on Lum’s lap, pulling each other’s faces into stupid expressions.

“Oh wow, I had no idea Earth courtship was so interesting.” Lum said.

“What!?” Both shot up, faces reddening. “B-but we’re both girls!” Akane tried to protest.

“Hmm? But his outfit has “Boy” written on it?” Lum said, “Of course, I’ve never been to earth so I have no idea what sort of sexual dimorphism humans have.”

Nabiki pointed to some guys on the beach who had started ogling once two hot girls looked like they were about to start a fight. “Those are human men.”

“Ohh… not any different than Oni then.” Lum shrugged. “Actually there are a lot of species in the galaxy with this basic body type and gender distinction. Weird huh?”

Ranma considered the things he'd seen. "Not especially..."

“Plus Ranma is a boy.” Kasumi said, “He just turns into a girl when wet.”

“Oh so you’re a Andryonite? Wow no wonder you’re not surprised about aliens!”

“ I’m human.” Ranma said, “It’s a long story, OK!”

Eventually Nabiki managed to convince Lum to take some pictures. What followed was more like a model photoshoot than her usual voyeuristic candid shots.

“Hey Lum, if you’re an alien that can fly I bet you have some cool powers right?” Nabiki held up the camera again. Man she was so going to earn a mint off the UFO club at Furinkan.

“Of course!” Up into the air, “Watch this!” Lighting suddenly crackled beneath her fingers, and with a loud crack it was sent straight down into the ground! Unfortunately, Lum had been just a moment ago posing with Ranma and Akane, having dragged them into a shot.

Which meant...

“Oh dear.” Kasumi said, “Are you two OK?”

Twitch, “Never better.” Ranma slurred out. Her pigtail was standing up straight and the rest of her hair looked like it was trying its best to rush out in different directions away from her scalp.

“Ow… yeah. That hurt as much as I thought it would.” A few sparks flashed around Akane, her own hair frizzing out in a similar matter.

“Oops! Sorry! I was just…” Lum looked apologetic floating down.

“It’s OK, you got excited…” Akane jumped up, a little high considering she just got shocked but landed neatly. “We can take a little static right Ranma?”

Ranma stood up with a bit more effort. "I'll have static pie for lunch Kasumi thanks."

“I think that’s enough photos and showing off though.” Akane said, putting the hat over Lum’s horns. Just in time for a battered and beaten looking man, followed by a battered and beaten looking panda, came to the blanket. Trailing a bit behind them in a lovely two piece was lovely looking woman with a basket of desserts in one hand and a long wrapped up bundle in the other.

“Hello father.” Kasumi said. “So did you settle things with those ladies?”

They finally got tired of beating us. Genma’s sign said.

“Oh, Ranma!” Nodoka strolled past the two men, completely ignoring their injuries. “Are you OK son? It looks like you got struck by lightning!”

“Never better mom. Just a bit of static!” Ranma laughed off the twitching after effects.

Introductions of the new visitor and her destination was made, “Ah yes. Ryoga, he’s a good rival to my son.” Nodoka commented. “Very important for a man to have a good rival.”

Soun glanced over at Lum, something about her…

“Daddy are you gawking at her?” Nabiki asked pointedly.

“W-what no!” Soun said, “I just, something about her reminds me of-”

“Wow is he really trying that sort of line?” Ranma asked.

Akane and Kasumi were both giving Soun looks of Pure Disappointment now.

“Akane is your dad really trying to hit on me!?” Lum’s eyes bulged out, “That’s gross!”

“Mr. Tendo, I can understand you might be lonely but she’s too young for you.” Nodoka said.

Desperate for some support, he turned to Genma.

A bunch of kids were burying him into the sand. Sorry Tendo, busy.

At the edge of the water Akane stood. Every time the family went to the beach, she faced this trial.

Today she would swim! Fists clenched in determination, she tied the hachimaki around her head, ignored Ranma trailing behind her with a life preserver, closed her eyes and jumped in!

Cold! Cold! Why was the ocean so cold! She sunk down… down into the depths, but no, not this time! She swung her arms and legs wildly, and she felt herself rise up. Move forward, she was doing it! Akane was swimming! Breaking the surface, she let out her breath in a shout of triumph, taking another breath and swimming forward.

Wow this was really easy now that she had gotten through it. Sure there was this weird pressure building up in the back of her head, a little buzz that was kind of reminding her of being shocked but that was probably normal.

"Um... Akane!"

"Ranma! I'm doing it! I'm swimming."

"No, not exactly."

“Ranma, do not take this moment from me! I’m doing it! After all these years and near death experiences and gallons of water swallowed I’m swimming!”

“Akane please open your eyes!”

With an annoyed groan she opened her eyes. She could… wait. She looked down. Below her was Ranma, swimming underneath her. She was a full meter above her. “...what… the…”

That’s when the blinding headache came back with a fearsome vengeance. Her vision flashed black and whatever was holding her up vanished, in fact, Akane realized just as she hit the water she was about to pass out.


The next thing Akane thought was Is this what being hung over feels like? Because her head was pounding and she felt like it was going to explode. She silently resolved to never find out. No alcohol!

“Akane…?” Her eyes opened, and she saw Ranma leaning over her. “You OK?”

“Ranma…?” Akane groaned, sitting up, “Ugg… how long was I… ahgg..”

“Oh I’m sorry Akane, you missed the rest of the beach trip.” Kasumi said. "But Ranma sat by your side the entire time."

"Ah!" Ranma waved her arms around desperately. "Kasumi! I told you not to bring that up!"

"No... You told me not to bring up that you put a sleeping bag next to her and - Oh dear. I'm not very good at keeping secrets..."

Akane sat up, they were back in the hotel they were staying in. She was on her bed and…

“Akane!” In a flash her dad was there, sobbing in relief, “You’re OK! Please promise me you’ll stop trying to swimmmmmmmmm!!”

“D-dad!” Akane said, “I’m not going to give up on that because of… whatever that was.”

“Whatever it was? You were floating and have been just making weird noises for hours!” Ranma said.

Soun suddenly snapped up, “Wait, Akane was floating?”

“Err, yeah. She was hovering a bit over the water before passing out…”

Soun shook his head, “She said they wouldn’t… normally…”

“Wouldn’t normally what dad?” Akane said, “Dad do you know what’s happening-”

BAM! The door was kicked open, and standing in it, will in her bikini and hat, with a giant gun looking device, was Lum. “Is Akane awake!?”

“Miss Lum we’re in the middle of a family situation and what is that?” Soun’s eyes bugged out.

“Oh this? It’s a Genetic Analyzer, hearing about Akane floating like that I went back to my saucer to get this.” Lum said.

“...saucer?” Soun said.

Akane groaned, her headache was coming back. Loud. Why was everybody being so loud. She clutched her head, two pulsing points of pure pain were on her head! “Will you all please be quiet for a minute!” Akane shouted, and the room became a lot brighter.

Mostly from the explosion of electricity that came out of Akane’s body, hitting Ranma and Soun and causing them to hit the ground with a twitch.

“Oh my.” Kasumi said, who had of course not been touched.

Lum floated over the two twitching people, “Now then.” She held up the device, “Let’s see…” A beam of light shot out of the device, and a print-out came out of the back. “DNA scanned… yup! Like I thought!”

Akane, still clutching her head groaned, “Thought what…?”

Soun pulled himself up, “Miss… gggg you… please don’t tell…”

“You’re Half-Oni! I guess me zapping you a bit triggered the latent traits of our species.” Lum reached into her blouse and pulled out a photo and pushed it into Akane’s face. Akane forgot about the pain.

There were three women in the photo, two of them clearly Oni women like Lum. The third was so wrapped up in fire-fighting gear that Akane’s couldn’t place her species. The other was from the green hair and basic resemblance probably Lum’s mother. It was the third that made Akane’s jaw hang low. It was very clearly her own mother. Same blue hair, same gentle smile, except that there was a pair of Oni horns on her head and she was wearing what looked like a tiger-striped kimono-miniskirt combo.

“That’s my aunt. Mom tells me she went to earth and married some guy before I was born. This is your mother, right Akane? We’re cousins!”

“...wait. What the hell? I thought you said she was related to Ryoga?” Ranma said.

Soun shot up, “Akane, dear, I know this is a shock, but there’s a very… oh. Oh shit. Lum, you’re an Oni?”


Soun’s eyes widened, “So… that means that those fake scouting reports saying nothing worth doing on the planet your mother set up stopped getting sent?”

“Wait those were fake? Here we thought your species just evolved around the time Auntie showed up!” Lum said.

“How would that even work?” Ranma asked.

Lum shrugged.

“But if you’re here, doesn’t that mean that…”

Lum beamed. “Oh yeah.” She clasped Akane’s hands. “Great news Akane!”

“Err…” Akane found herself feeling like in the rush of the day she had forgotten something.

“Next week we’re taking over this planet, and Dad said if I found his sister-in-law’s family they could run it as a ‘Welcome back to the Family’ gift! You’re going to be Queen of the Earth by next week!”

There was a heavy silence in the room that was eventually broken when Akane coughed, spoke up and then lay back in bed. "Ranma. I'm still concussed. Pull up a sleeping bag."

”And there you have it ladies and gentlemen! Ataru Moroboshi has saved the Earth, earned himself a beautiful alien bride in the process and irritated his girlfriend all in a single instant!”

The Tendo and Saotome Families had been glued to the TV the past week, watching the fate of the world in the hands of a complete moron. Then by sheer luck he had won at the last minute.

“I’m glad Lum managed to find herself a boyfriend here on earth. He seems like a sweet boy. Very energetic and manly.” Nodoka said.

“Well, your majesty.” Ranma said, “I’m sure you’re broken up by this.”

Akane, who was still mostly bedridden because according to Lum it would be another few days before she could be stable, glared at Ranma. “Will you stop that! I didn’t want to be Queen of the Earth!” A few sparks passed through her fingers, and the bandage wrapped around her head barely covering the two points starting to stick out on the top of her head swelled up just a little more.

“Wow that’s pretty much how I met your mother.” Soun said. "History repeats.”

“Ah yes, I remember that.” Genma said in a reminiscent tone. “Her UFO crashed. She was a scouting party or something like that but had a run-in with the Master. He was drunk, and well one thing led to another…”

“Ended up playing Tag with her.” Soun laughed, ”Caught her by the horns, she didn’t expect me to be able to jump that high I think.”

“Ah the memories of our youth Tendo.” Genma said, and the two men laughed.

Akane’s hands hit the table, ”Wait, you knew the entire time about this Mr. Saotome!?”

“About your mom being a weird alien? Yeah. I mean, she didn’t exactly keep it a secret.” Genma shrugged.

“Don’t call my mom weird!” Akane said, and an involuntary bolt of lightning hit him. Twitching, Genma fell over, knocking over a glass. The static made a big panda colored puffball.