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Last Christmas

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I. Last Christmas


Merry Christmas. It’s been an interesting three months, and I’m looking forward to many more.

Frank x



When you come back from breakfast tomorrow (yeah, I know it’ll be Boxing Day, couldn’t manage otherwise), look under the tree. xx



Official Complaint
Made by: Second Technician Rimmer, Arnold J


I was scandalised to discover a Polaroid photograph of Third Technician Lister, D, clad in nothing but strategically placed strands of tinsel. My interrogation of said Third Technician revealed that the photograph was taken in the quarters of First Officer Todhunter, whose appalling behaviour in this incident must be addressed forthwith. His offences include: fraternising with a subordinate; giving extravagant and/or inappropriate gifts (e.g., a red silk dressing gown with matching underwear) to said subordinate; cavorting naked with said subordinate---------------------------------RIMMER IS A SMEGHEAD


II. I gave you my heart

R: Have removed all tinsel from quarters as it offended eyes.

L: Still traumatised?
Don’t worry. Got more, can put up after film.

R: Traumatised? Don’t know what you mean.
More? Where?

L: Nice try, smeghead.

R: Aha
Tinsel against Space Corps Directive 29310
No decorations unless approved by senior officer.

L: Kryten says 29301
Anyway, don’t care.


III. I’ll give it to someone special

L: Merry Christmas xxx
See attachment

R: I am not embarking on your ridiculous scavenger hunt at this hour
Not even for that
Why can’t you be here in bed with with me on Christmas Eve like a normal person?

L: Normal is overrated.
Don’t tell me you’re too old and feeble to come and find me.

R: Fine
You’d better still be in that exact outfit and pose when I find you
And don’t drink all the champagne.
In fact, don’t do anything with the champagne until I get there.
Or the bottle
I don’t want it wasted.

L: Aye-aye Sir
Your Highness
Turns you on when I call you that doesn't it?
You should hurry though
There’s some mice down here who’d love a bite of the mistletoe.