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Alone

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Steve had been alone on more than one occasion during his too long life.
He had been a very lonely child. Nobody wanting to be friends with him because he was too skinny, too small, too sick. Always too something.
But then Bucky had come along. And he saw something different in him. Saw his personality and not just all of his many flaws.
When Bucky had wanted to be his friends it had been the first time in his life that he didn’t feel so utterly and terribly alone.

Looking back at his life, these few year in his childhood had been the best and happiest years of his life.

But then came the war and he was truly alone again. The night when Bucky shipped out had been one of the worst nights of his life. S
ure there was the whole Erskine and serum thing going on but he had still felt alone. All on his own.
And when the serum had actually ended up working perfectly it got so much worse.
Suddenly there were all these people. Everyone had wanted a piece of him. Everyone had wanted a picture, a short conversation. Something.
He was Captain America now and suddenly the whole world had pretended to care about him.
And with every pretend smile and every handshake he had felt like he was giving them a little piece of him. Breaking away more and more of him until he was just a shell.

And when he had heard that Bucky’s unit had been captured and Bucky was presumed dead he had just refused to believe it.
Because there had been not enough of him left to survive Bucky actually being gone.
When he had found Bucky again he had thought that despite there being a war on, things might actually turn out alright.
At least he had his reason for fighting back at his side again.

But guess life had a different plan for him when it had ripped Steve’s everything back out of his life again.

The day that Bucky fell from that train will always be the most lonely and horrible day in Steve’s life. Nothing could leave him more broken, more ripped to pieces than this.

Turns out that this would turn out to be wrong. Because again, life had a different, more cruel plan for Steve.

When he had crashed that plane into the ocean he had been terrified and full of panic. But that had been more of an automatic reflex.
Because in his mind he was welcoming death. Finally he wouldn’t be so utterly alone anymore.
The nightmare would be over and if he was very lucky he would end up together with Bucky again, never having to feel alone ever again. It was a relieve.

But life’s terrible plan had let him survive. For over 70 years, trapped in the ice. Being woken up in 2012 had been pretty close to watching Bucky fall.
He was alone again, in a whole new century and suddenly everyone wanted to get a piece of the great and famous Captain America again.
Everyone wanted to hear his story and every time he had told it, his heart had ripped into a thousand new pieces.
After a while he had found ‘friends’. Or not really because they had been forced together by circumstance and none of them really cared about him.
They called him ‘Cap’ or ‘Grandpa’ or ‘old man’. Nobody even looked at him long enough to see through the mas that he had put on for the public, for everyone.

When he found out that Bucky had died for nothing and he had spent 70 years frozen for nothing it had shattered him completely.
It had torn his heart out of his chest and had ripped the already broken thing into a million little shreds.

But that had been nothing compared to finding out that Bucky was still alive, and that Bucky had been tortured for over 70 years and that Bucky couldn’t remember him.
And that it had all been his fault. He should’ve jumped after him.
If he wouldn't have been able to find and save Bucky it might’ve ended his useless fucked up life for real.

So now Steve is the most alone that he has ever been in his life. It is Christmas time, and everyone is spending time with their family. And he has lots of pretend friends and kinda friends but the only one he wants to spend Christmas with, the only family he has and the only person he truly loves is nowhere to be found. Probably doesn’t want to be found and might not even remember who Steve is.

Yeah, Steve knows a thing or two about loneliness and being alone.