I walk into Daniel’s quarters just as he’s walking out of them, planting myself solidly between him and the door.
“Jack?” Daniel queries, a little surprised.
He’s even more surprised when I take his shoulders and begin to ease him back from the door, which I kick shut. I reluctantly relinquish my grip on him for a second to fumble behind me at the lock.
“Jack?” Understandable hesitance this time, as Daniel steps back abruptly, clutching his books protectively to his chest, staring at me, unsure of what to do or say. I follow him and take advantage of his hands already being occupied to slip off his glasses and place them out of harm’s way. Then I gently tug the books from his arms, dropping them to the floor with a thud that makes him wince.
Or perhaps it’s my sudden proximity that makes him wince.
“God, you have no idea, do you?” I whisper as I gently pull him to me, morbidly aware of his confusion. “No idea how gorgeous you are.” Dangerously so. Daniel’s lips part sweetly as I wrap myself around him. The stunning eyes gazing into mine are growing ever wider as my hands cup his butt and draw him close enough to feel the heat and solidity of my arousal for the first time. A tremor of shock runs right through him when I rock my hips against his. Daniel tries to writhe away from the intimacy and freezes as he feels me react to the incredible friction, harden even more against him as my hands hold him clasped to me.
Locking my gaze with his, I stroke the satin-soft skin of his face with trembling fingers.
“Wh – what do you want, Jack?” Daniel whispers, eyes nervously tracking my caressing fingers.
“You,” I say simply. “I want you. I NEED you, have needed you for the longest time. I want to make love with you, Daniel, and not having you is driving me insane,” I explain softly. “Every time I see you I want more of you. It’s never enough. It won’t be enough until I’m buried inside you.” And I can keep you forever.
Daniel is trembling. “I didn’t know. I didn’t –“
“You didn’t lead me on, Daniel. This is about me,” I soothe his agitation. “I’ve had such dreams, Danny. You’ve no idea,” I see the soft flush that colours his cheeks, and laugh a little. “I know you’re a virgin, I know I’ll be your first.” Your last and your only.
“You want to have sex with me,” Daniel swallows his soft words convulsively.
“I want to make love with you,” I correct sternly as I lower my head and take his parted lips, my tongue slipping deep into the soft warmth of his mouth. I’m overwhelmed with sensations. Daniel’s tongue flutters uncertainly against my probing one as I stroke slowly against him, his eyes closing as I deepen the sensuous kiss. I’ve waited so long, denied this need for so long it’s killing me to rein in my passion for him now. Somehow I find the strength to do it as a tentative swipe of Daniel’s tongue against mine is mirrored by the delicate grasping of elegant, deceptively fragile fingers at my shoulders.
Ah, Christ. At last. At last he’s opening to me, lifting his face, changing the angle of the steadily deepening kiss as I turn him into the crook of my arm. I recognise how close I’ve brought him to me - possessively close - the weight and force of my passion steadily pushing him back over the rigid arm braced against his back. His nervous tremors are shocking through us both.
I’m going to love him as he deserves to be loved.
Joined with lips, exploring tongues and clutching fingers, Daniel leads me step by giddy step towards his bed. There’s no finesse as I tear away his clothes. I need my hands on him, no barriers between us or walls to hide behind. I tolerate the break in our kiss only for this. My clothes follow, shucked with a haste in stark contrast with the unhurried way I draw him back to me, where he belongs, and steal his breath from him again.
My hands are urgent on Daniel’s heated, silken skin; skimming over his butt and thighs, stroking the length of his spine, up abruptly to tangle in his hair, then massaging the nape of his neck. Never still, never at rest. I can wait for him to touch me. I’ve waited this long and it’s brought him this close to me.
Daniel moans helplessly as I rock compulsively against him to a deep steady beat that heats our skin, slicking us with sweat as our erections kiss and glide. Daniel’s arms lock around my neck as I groan my pleasure into his mouth, his eyes slumberous with desire, though he’s sorely troubled by the passion tearing through us both like wildfire.
I ease back from Daniel, snatching breathtaking kisses until I can bear to part with him. I cup his earnest, frightened face gently between rough, callused hands. Hands that kill and hurt. Hands that tremble now for him, as I surrender unconditionally.
“How did you do it?” I ask softly. “It took one kiss, Daniel. Just one.”
“I didn’t mean - ” Daniel stammers. His painful anxiety suddenly has him taut, resistant, unyielding against me.
“I’ve never wanted a man before. Never imagined I ever would, or even could. Yet with one kiss you OWNED me,” I muse.
Daniel’s eyes sheen with unshed tears. “And with one word I stopped you, Jack.”
The ache of longing and regret in Daniel’s voice cuts me to the bone.
“It’s not your fault,” I hurt for him, hurt for having put him through this anguish. “I don’t know why I came to you that night, Danny. I’ve thought about it so many times, and I still don’t know why. I just don’t know why.”
Daniel’s hands curl up and around my forearms. Stroking. Reassuring.
“You wanted to fuck me, Jack.”
I flinch away from the stony resolve of his words and my own condemnation.
“I misunderstood,” Daniel says steadily. “I thought you came to make love with me.”
I just went into his room that night to check on him. We hadn’t snatched a moment alone, and I wanted to thank him for being there for Teal’c and me, for having the guts to give us the quick death we deserved. Make sure he was okay with what had happened, that he understood I was proud of him, that he did the right thing. That was all it was.
Daniel was curled up on his bed, asleep. Restless. Troubled. I was standing by his bedside, stroking the sleep-rumpled hair back from his furrowed brow. All he did was stir sleepily under my hand and smile up at me as he murmured my name, so very tenderly, and the next moment I was sitting by him, snatching him up into a searing, passionate, endless kiss. At some point in all the madness I tumbled him down beneath me, heedless of his healing wound or where we were or who we were. All I knew was I wanted him, GOD how I wanted him, and he wanted me. I asked him for what I wanted, felt a fierce exultation surging through me when he said yes. And then he spoke the word that ended it before it began.
Let me make love is what I asked. Not what I meant.
Fuck you, Danny?
Yes, Jack, is what he said, voice shaking. Please.
Daniel said that too. Didn’t even have the dignity of getting all the words out. I couldn’t hear it. Wouldn’t. I wrenched away from his arms and his lips and his eyes. God, those eyes; his hurt and humiliation piercing through me in the moment before I turned my back on him and stormed out.
I love you, Jack.
I wouldn’t let him say it to my face, but that’s what HE meant. I never looked back when the soft, anguished words crashed into me.
Not your fault. Mine. S-sorry.
He had already accepted the futility of his feelings and absolved me of all blame for not returning them before I was even out of earshot.
Daniel’s fault I could have sex with him, but I couldn’t love him? Daniel’s fault I cut him dead until he was cleared for active duty and then shit all over him our first time out, in that totally fucked mission to Euronda? He learned the rest of his lesson on that one. Learned it well. I wasn’t going to love him back and I couldn’t go on the way we had. Still, he forgave me my self-serving, conscience-easing one size fits all apology.
Hell, I actually said sorry and I held his hand while I made it perfectly clear he didn’t get to have me. I fucked Danny over because I couldn’t just ‘fuck’ him, couldn’t have good, friendly, commitment free sex. Rounded out the mission by accidentally killing some people who probably didn’t deserve it and deliberately killing one man who more than had it coming.
Kinda killed our friendship too while I was in the neighbourhood.
Daniel is good at subtext. He’s good at maturity and warmth, kindness and empathy. I’m very good at going crazy with unsatisfied desire for him, at failing to withstand a constant need eating me alive. I was absolutely superb at blaming him for it, venting my frustration all over him at every opportunity, treating him like shit and my crowning iniquity, trying to make him jealous over Carter, which I recognise now pretty much had to be my equivalent of pissing on him to mark my territory. See, Danny? Look what I got. Got you too if I want you.
And yet, still I failed to bring him to heel. He kept the distance I required and drove me insane into the bargain. I was supposed to get over it. Things were supposed to get back to normal. He just had to forget he was in love with me and I just had to forget I wanted to be inside him twelve times a day. I wasn’t supposed to fantasise obsessively about white hot sex with Daniel to the point it was just about all I ‘remembered’ when we were memory imprinted in that hellhole power station on P3R-118. I was totally frigging embarrassed over what I was dreaming about this man, and took to following Carter around like a lost puppy ‘cause it was safer than being anywhere near HIM. To this day both she and Daniel think all my weird comments about dreams and feelings were about her. I’m the only one who knows they were about him.
And I’ve known for a while why I was so freaked out Daniel told me he loved me. I loved him too. The simplest lesson I’ve ever learned about myself, the hardest to admit to. I’ve been waiting for the perfect mission, the perfect time, for there to have been no anger or distance between us, to tell him and show him how I feel. Realised there wouldn’t be such a time unless I made one, and I wanted to come to him, here, in his quarters, because this is where I left him.
“Jack, please,” Daniel pleads, caressing his temple against mine.
I can see how badly Daniel wants to make love with me, I can feel the hard, heated length of him pushing insistently into me. He’s so close to throwing away his principles and just letting me take him. He loves me anyway, so what does it matter? It’s only him. Four years he’s been celibate, because it isn’t in him to be anything other than faithful to the one he loves. He was faithful to his wife, and he’s been faithful to me.
“You don’t do casual, Danny,” I tell him fondly. “Have you ever shared your bed with anybody you weren’t in love with?” he knows I mean situations – people – where he has a choice.
“But I- “ Daniel bites off the urgent words.
“Say it,” I urge.
“I’m in love with you, Jack,” he admits wearily. “I don’t want to be alone anymore. If there’s a choice. If you want me.”
“When have I ever been casual about you, Danny? When?” I ask. “Let me make love, Daniel,” I whisper.
A sigh wells out of the depths of him. “Yes, Jack,” his leaden voice is shaking pitiably.
“You know I do,” he murmurs.
So we’ve come full circle. Right back to the point where I cut out and left him high and dry. Alone.
“I mean I - LOVE - YOU,” I enunciate crisply. Daniel’s head snaps up, starkly white with the force of his disbelief. “It took me forever to get here, but here I’ll stay. If you’ll have me.” I decide it’s my right and privilege to assist in the decision-making, and urge my – “My lover,” I try it out. “Ni-ice,” I breathe. I urge my stunned, blushing and slightly tearful lover down to the bed, a deep groan wrenching from him as my weight settles over him.
“Oh, God. Oh, Jack. Love you. Love me?“
I opt to show, not tell.
“Oh, God. Oh, Jack. Love you. Love me?“ I can hardly believe it. Jack LOVES me. Jack loves ME. He’s here, with ME, loving me. Li-literally.
“Oh my, oh – OH – o-oh,” I whimper incoherently as Jack’s weight pins me flat to the bed beneath him. Jack’s naked, gloriously aroused weight. His hips begin thrusting powerfully against mine in perfect time with his tongue, thrusting so passionately, so deeply into my willing mouth. No rushing him, no holding him; no controlling him at all. Jack is kissing so Jack will kiss until he’s kissed his fill.
SO much I want to say, words boiling in my chest but Jack doesn’t like to talk. I want – oh. “Jack? S-something wrong?” Did I do something wrong? Already?
“Yes, I really DO love you, and yes, I really do want you. Likely to DIE if I don’t have you, SOON,” Jack singsongs like a child learning by rote.
“Because apart from the fact I’ve fallen in love with you – or maybe because of it - ever since the last time I came in here and got horizontal with you on this bed, I’ve had a raging hard-on every time you’ve been within ten feet of me,” Jack snarls.
“You have?” I ask breathlessly, blushing furiously. I had NO idea. “Why?”
“You’re absolutely gorgeous, that’s why. You NEVER look in a mirror?” Jack asks incredulously. His eyes are glittering. “I love you shy,” he growls against my lips, rocking his hips against mine, maddening, teasing; withdrawing as I arch into him. “God,” he groans, “Can’t tell you how often I’ve dreamed of being buried inside you.”
“I’m – um - inexperienced,” I confess. “Not completely!” I add hastily. If that’s what Jack wants, then I want it too. I’ve dreamed of our lovemaking too, though I’m beginning to suspect my dreams are likely to be a little too Disney for my - “My Jack?”
Jack’s face lights into a smile that dazzles. “Oh, quite definitely yours, kid. And you’d better talk. FAST. Define ‘not completely’.”
The growl is back in Jack’s voice, a wild, possessive note that makes me shiver. I don’t want Jack masterful, I want him reasonable and civilised. Really.
“This better not be recent experience or I’m gonna have to hurt people. You’re with ME now,” his grip tightens and I gasp involuntarily. “Davis,” Jack drawls menacingly. “’Paul’. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”
Reasonable? Civilised? I may have to settle for not actively homicidal. It’s not healthy to be possessive or jealous. It’s NOT exciting me at all that he feels so powerfully. Not all. Really.
Paul? How does he look at me? I haven’t seen anything. “Um, Jack?” I say weakly. “I think YOU need to redefine ‘inexperienced’.”
Jack looks blank.
I blush and mumble into the warm hollow on his shoulder.
“What?” Jack demands.
“I said I’ve kissed a man. Well, not a man. You. F-four times now,” I add, in case it helps. It doesn’t. Jack’s face freezes and he whines piteously into my shoulder. “What?” I ask, in case I didn’t hear correctly.
“I prayed to God to give me strength,” Jack says grimly.
“Oh.” I heard correctly. I gaze up into his beautiful velvety brown eyes, alight with rueful warmth and tenderness. “I’m willing, though,” I encourage him.
“There’s nothing easy about you, Daniel. Nothing at all.”
I see the smile Jack is striving unavailingly to hide from me.
“I shoulda known,” he sighs, eyeing my mouth hungrily before nibbling his way across my jaw and around to a spot on my throat that makes me whimper when he laps at it like a cat at a bowl of cream. I think he’s purring with satisfaction too.
Jack isn’t the only one with needs. I slide my hands along his flanks, gratified when Jack hisses his pleasure and arches into my touch. He’s lean, solid muscle, every part of him taut and flat. So strong. So solid and reassuringly heavy upon me. I wish he’d move against me again. He felt so good, and it’s been so long.
“Please?” I whisper, my hands and legs clutching at him urgently, begging him to love me. “Please, Jack?”
“I want to be inside you,” he remonstrates. “So let’s take it easy, huh?”
“I want you too. I’m not a child, Jack. I may not have loved this way, but I want to. With you,” I argue.
Jack considers this thoughtfully, searching my face for a very long time. Eventually he nods and leaps up to burrow frantically through his discarded clothing, emerging abruptly, flourishing a tube of something. Sunblock? Lubrication. O-oh.
Jack chuckles malevolently. “It’s absolutely ridiculous. How the hell did I wind up being seduced by you? You’re a virgin, for Chrissake. It’s not fair, you know. I won’t be able to blame you for leading me astray, ‘cause technically, I’m leading you astray. Any minute now.”
“Hand!” Jack’s hand is on my – on ME. “O-OH oh oh God.” Assured, stroking me confidently. Wonderful. He feels SO - “JACK! God,” I scream into my stifling hand, arching off the bed as Jack’s mouth replaces his hand. I struggle against the dizzying waves of pleasure to sit up, to see my colonel do this for me. It’s unbearably erotic, watching him and feeling him love me. Watching him open up to me, battering down every defence of his that kept us apart as he gently seduces me free of mine. I fight myself to quietude, want simply to feel Jack overwhelm my senses, even as he takes all of me into him, takes me beyond my control. Climax slams through me into him, Jack slowly drinking me in, as my vision and balance waver.
It’s quite a while before I come back to myself, shaking like a leaf in his arms; his firm, steady hands and voice soothing me.
“S-sorry,” I gasp. It was selfish to – he might not have wanted me – “I sh-should have warned you. It’s been so long.”
A firm hand tilts my chin and Jack’s tongue plunges into my mouth once more, a salt-bitter tang I gradually realise is me. When he releases me, Jack is smiling.
“Old dog. OLD trick.”
“You’re not old. You’re beautiful to me and I love you,” I sigh as I twine my fingers into his hair. “I want you.”
Jack gasps as I writhe suggestively against him. “Whoa! Where did THAT come from?”
I look innocent.
“Mmm. Shy,” Jack growls approvingly. “Is that normal?” Jack tugs gently on ‘that’. I thoroughly approve, and curl my hand over his encouragingly, which makes him chuckle.
“It’s – it’s you,” I confess. “The way I feel for you.”
Jack goes still. For once he seems a little uncertain. “I do this to you?”
“You just stopped!” I complain, nudging a tormenting hand back to what it was so pleasurably engaged on. “Oh, yes. Mmm.”
“Good?” Jack murmurs, as he thoroughly and confidently explores every inch of a part of me not touched in so long I’d almost given up on it, and quite a few new parts I didn’t realise I had. I’m moaning steadily now, which seems to fill Jack with quiet satisfaction. He in turn is electrifying me, thrills of ecstasy coursing through my veins with every caress, coming faster and faster until I’m falling for him, convulsing wildly, sobbing my release into his waiting mouth.
“Yeah, kid. I love you too,” he assures me over and over, calming me once more.
I’m a little embarrassed. I’m not usually like this. Um – insatiable. I’m sure when I get used to making love with him, I won’t be so, well, excitable. I’ll get used to how sexy and desirable Jack is, how good he makes me feel and I won’t be insisting he makes me feel this good every chance we get. Pretty sure I’ll calm down. It’s possible. Really.
“I seriously do this to you?” Jack is torn between smug and scared. “I’m forty five, you know.”
“I don’t like to be rushed,” I assure him, snuggling into some warm, spice scented skin and doing a little gentle nibbling myself.
“You’ve never done it before, so we’ll table a final decision until you’ve some first hand experience to draw on.” Jack clears his throat. “Sexy?” he queries with studied casualness. “Specifically?” he clearly invites constructive criticism.
“Amazing eyes. Um. Hair,” I’m pretty insistent on that one.
“Grey, and mostly YOUR fault,” he adds meanly.
“Distinguished.” That’s not entirely accurate. “Hot,” I confess, flushing. “Especially with the sunglasses.”
“Sunglasses,” Jack thoughtfully flags that information, hopefully to be used against me at the appropriate time.
I nod, guiltily. I’m a little obsessive on the subject. Jack’s sunglasses do terrible things to me. Wonderful things, now I can act on them. “Weren’t we supposed to be making love?” I prompt shamelessly.
“You’ve already got a two point lead, so let’s not get snippy. You said you didn’t like to be rushed.”
“I lied. I want you.”
“You’re going to be the death of me,” Jack groans.
“I still want you, and I promise I’ll send you off with a big smile.”
“I’m too OLD for this sort of sex life,” Jack complains unconvincingly as his hands roam possessively up and down the length of my body, making me quiver.
“I want you NOW.”
“I was MARRIED. We’re talking once or twice a week. In a good week.” Jack chooses to punctuate this by slipping a finger very gently inside me.
“You can kiss me if you like,” Jack offers graciously. “Take your mind off what’s coming,” he teases. “Pun intended. Not that my lips appear to make your top ten or anyth – Mmmph.”
I LIKE. I snatch him down to me and kiss him madly, banging our noses together quite painfully. My depth perception isn’t perfect when I’ve got my glasses off. Jack snorts with laughter then succumbs to some fairly resourceful suction on my part, apparently reassured his lips do indeed make the grade.
I’m more than aware of the finger inside me – fingers now – because every time I relax into the staggering sensations Jack is arousing inside me with those delicate thrusts, he scrapes a spot inside me that turns me to flame and has me clawing at his back until I stop shaking.
“If I gotta pull out all the stops every half hour or so, just to take the edge off for you,” Jack teases, “doesn’t leave much time for hockey.”
“Who cares! Not I! Jack. NOW!” I beg, plead, demand, command.
“Now,” Jack capitulates, rolling so I’m on top of him, then sitting us both up. I straddle Jack as he spreads his legs and gets balanced to take my weight. I wrap my arms around him, glad I can see him, hold him, kiss him. “Ready, Danny?” His eyes search mine until he’s sure I want this too, then he lifts me into position over his straining shaft. I slowly settle my weight onto him, feel his hands firm at my hips, steadying me as I take him into me and ease myself down. We’re both trembling, eyes wide and dazed as I sink slowly down upon him, until the solid depth and reality of his love fills me as completely as he fills me physically. Jack is flushed and sweat soaked, fingers dancing over my face, tangling in my hair; waiting, hanging on to the last shreds of his self-control until I’m ready for him. I stretch out my legs behind Jack and hook them around his back as he thrusts up into me. I clamp my lips to his, moaning as he seems to reach my heart, he’s so deep inside me. Shattering us and building us anew with every gentle rock and thrust we make together.
“Now I have you, I’ll never let you go,” I breathe into his mouth “You’re mine. Mine. MINE. JAAAAAAACK!” I slump against his chest, devastated by the intensity and generosity of his insistent possession. “Love – “
“Love – “ Jack echoes.
“I have to go,” Jack mourns, pulling me closer. “God, I hate to leave you but I can’t stay. Jacob will be here for the briefing and we gate out to the mothership directly after. God knows when we’ll be together like this again. They got no doors on Vorash.”
“I know,” I reassure him. “I understand. It’s okay, Jack. Really.” I understand the need for discretion; I want to protect his reputation. There have been many occasions when Jack has stayed in my room much later than this, but those were occasions when I wasn’t destruct testing his willpower.
“It’s not okay. I’m in love with you. Y’know?” Jack fearlessly confesses to the washbasin.
“Shy?” I ask innocently. “I LIKE shy.”
Jack’s soft eyes widen as I deliberately rock my hips against his. “You’re going to kill me,” he groans theatrically.
“I’m going to do my damndest,” I promise him gravely.
“What about ON the ship? I’m the ranking officer. I get the master bedroom. You wanna make –“
“You don’t even know what I was going to say,” Jack plays the wounded solider card, all sad eyes and bowed shoulders.
“I do. The answer is no. We are not having sex in Cronus’ bed.”
“You willing to put money on that?” Jack’s eyes are snapping with amusement and desire.
I shake my head, sadly. He’ll have his way, this man I love. I’ll have my hands full with him. I can’t wait.
“I love you, Jack.”
The first time I said those words to Jack, I drove him from my side. Now he can’t tear himself away from them or from me. It’s as if we had to come full circle before we could move on. Together.