on top of momo, nayeon was nothing. no one, not an afterthought, absolutely translucent. nayeon hated how empty she felt every time.
and yet, for some reason, she always ended up above momo. always ended up dominating and taking and taking and taking.
"n-nayeon," momo whimpers from underneath her, her body squirming against the couch and her abs flexing against the contact of nayeon's hands, "don't be such a fucking tease. you know I hate it." yeah, and nayeon loathes all the time they spend together like this, but here they are.
nayeon's fingers are digging into momo's hips, the pads applying enough pressure to bruise, ensuring that momo won't be wearing anything low rise for a while. her teeth are sunken into the tender spot just underneath momo's collarbone near her shoulder and she groans. it's not much more than a hum against momo's sensitive honeyed skin and the girl underneath her squirms again, insistent on getting what she wants.
"oh, shut up." nayeon mutters, nipping at momo's earlobe and laughing dryly when she gasps.
eliciting a reaction from momo didn't do anything for nayeon anymore. not since the first 2 months where after every session, nayeon used momo's shower and got herself off, because she couldn't be bothered to give up control. if she lost diction of any situation, she'd lose it, especially now that she's recklessly fooling around with one of her closest friends and band mates. momo used to be the one always trying to get on top, to dominate nayeon because it would be so easy, but sana almost walked in on them one of those times and nayeon wouldn't live to see the day sana caught nayeon with anyone else but her. that's why they were currently at momo's dorm, fucking on her couch instead of nayeon's and sana's (thank god jeongyeon was never home).
not that Sana and her were exclusive, or even dating, or more than anything except highly affectionate friends. that didn't matter, though, because nayeon would sooner throw herself into a live volcano than have sana believe nayeon was into anyone other than her. she'd rather collapse or develop hanahaki disease than have that happen. she'd do anything. speaking of doing.
nayeon rakes her nails down momo's sides, faint red lines scrawling nonsense on her exposed skin, her shirt somewhere on the floor. nayeon's hands know exactly where to go and she hastily kisses momo when her nimble fingers flick against her, sloppy and quick like they'd always been. they couldn't be bothered to slow because neither one was sure enough of their relationship to be able to appreciate the other. momo couldn't care less, she needed someone to get her off and nayeon was always there. it's just sex. no strings attached.
except nayeon had strings sewed into her heart since their first encounter and she couldn't cut them, couldn't burn them. she couldn't do anything but wish that her feelings would disappear and her constant desire to be wanted and touched would satiate itself. if she couldn't be with sana, then she'd just buy out her time until her crush dissipated as well (it wouldn't). they were using each other and they both knew it. neither could get enough. it was an endless cycle of self destructiveness and they both fell right back into it every couple of days. it was getting worse.
momo cries out and nayeon marks the underside of her jaw, lips leaving a purple bite that contrasts against her skin so beautifully that nayeon's heart stings. anger flares up into her throat, like it always does, and she begins excessively marking her neck and jaw until the entirety of the skin there is marred. momo will kill her later, but for now, she's too busy contracting around nayeon's fingers and trying as hard as possible not to alert anyone next door.
when momo finishes, nayeon doesn't even bother to shower afterwards. she'd been thinking about sana and her heart was slamming itself against her rib cage. fuck.
she leaves a flustered momo half naked on the couch and heads back to her shared dorm with sana as fast as her legs will carry her, pulse pounding in her ear drums. she can't keep doing this. she can't. it's not fair and it's certainly not making anything better. nayeon considers the fact that she'll probably have to be the one to end it as she slams her door behind her. she's completely incapable of ending it when she's the one who keeps crawling back. she knows momo won't end it either, because she's the one who actually somewhat enjoys their meet-ups.
"goddammit." nayeon curses, throwing her back against the door. she groans when the contact reminds her of momo and she quickly retracts herself from the door and heads into the kitchen. she keeps sniffling and she can't figure out why until she remembers what she's wearing (just a tank top and shorts, no point in dressing up when she's out hoeing around, right?) and how chilly it is outside. she's probably going to catch a cold and she almost slams her head into the fridge door before sana peeks out from around the corner of the kitchen, unfamiliar worry lines coursing throughout her forehead.
"hey, whoa, you alright?" sana asks, her marble eyes drilling into nayeon's. they're so dark and deep that nayeon can't bring herself to do anything but stare for a minute. then she remembers who they're directed at and she sniffles again, unable to form words.
"shit, nayeon. how long were you outside for? it's near freezing. c'mon," sana instructs, tugging nayeon's hand carefully toward her bedroom, "don't fight me on this. just grab whatever looks warm out of my closet. I'm gonna make you hot tea." she places her hands on nayeon's shoulders, bare and iced over. sana kisses her cheek warmly and the imprint of her lips lingers on nayeon's skin.
nayeon's body couldn't have been warmer after that. the spot on her cheek where sana's lips had been burns, as if it's actually on fire, and it pulses with her own heartbeat as she switches out her tank top and shorts for one of sana's hoodies and a pair of sweatpants. everything she's wearing smells like sana, like sunshine and daisies and hot chocolate. nayeon feels both guilty and comforted by this, because somehow, anything with a semblance to sana manages to remind her of home, and with the safety of home comes trust and stability while nayeon's out fucking one of their closest friends.
she couldn't be a worse human being, she thinks, as she inhales and allows a field of daisies to wipe her mind.
sana's fist was clenched at her side. she was preparing the tea, trying to maintain her smile, but she wanted to scream at the world. she wanted to scream so loud that every single person heard it, could hear how torn and angry and absolutely furious she was. she could break 20 tables in succession if she wanted. and sana wasn't even a violent person.
her heart stung inside her chest, adrenaline pumping through it with the power of an army marching. if anyone got too close they could hear her heart thumping, creating earthquakes in her bones, because she couldn't handle seeing nayeon like that, so exhausted that she couldn't manage words.
sana knew something was wrong, but she couldn't push it, because she knew exactly where nayeon was before she came home and sana was going to lose her mind if she had to hear nayeon say a word about it. she wouldn't stand to listen to the truth. it would destroy her.
why did she have to know? couldn't she have gone on with her life, clueless and love struck? apparently god had other plans, plans that involved her being as jealous as her heart would let her be.
nayeon never came home without smelling of soap and sana first guessed that she was just going to the gym, showering there instead of at home. of course, sana was naive those first couple of times. tonight, however, she knew for sure where nayeon had been. maybe not where, but who she'd been with.
because tonight, all sana could detect on nayeon was peaches and sweat. sana bit her lip just thinking about the only girl she'd ever known to have the scent of peaches constantly drifting with her. she wanted to throw up, to bruise or break a bone, to not have to pretend that she was just nayeon's friend and no more. to not have to pretend that she was clueless about where nayeon disappeared to every couple of nights.
the cup of tea she's gripping tightly in her hands is trembling. sana sets it down on the kitchen counter, flushes her face with cold water from the sink, and wills her heart to keep it's cool for just a couple more hours.
they end up cuddling on the couch, nayeon's head resting on sana's chest above her heart, body sprawled between sana's toned legs. sana has her back halfway against the armrest, arms on either side of nayeon possessively. one hand hangs limp off the couch and the other is playing with the hair on nayeon's nape. sana knows it tickles and she laughs when nayeon buries herself further into sana to force her to stop.
there's something playing on the t.v, but neither of them are actually watching. they both stare at the show until nayeon becomes bored and begins tracing shapes into sana's thigh with her finger. nayeon knows she's pressing her luck, pressing the boundaries that have never been set. she can't help it, though, when she's this close to sana and every single one of her senses has become nothing but .
sana almost dies because nayeon's finger is really fucking high up on her thigh and she's already overwhelmed with contact. she inhales deeply instead and runs her hand through nayeon's hair again, distracting herself from the designs being lightly scratched into her skin. it kind of hurts, actually, not unlike the burning she usually feels around nayeon, but more of an insatiable ache. then sana remembers how close to her heart nayeon is and she can sense the earthquakes beginning to start up again, slow at first.
nayeon can feel the pulse of sana's heartbeat right on the shell of her ear and she almost melts. it's a grandfather clock in her chest, each beat rhythmic and thunderous. the constant pulse of it is comforting to her and she trails her finger along sana's thigh, waiting for a reaction or for sana to tell her to stop.
when sana says nothing, the only sound in the room her evident beating heart, nayeon's hand keeps traveling. it rakes up and over sana's shorts and toys with the hem of her shirt. her fingertips graze over sana's protruding hip bone and nayeon memorizes the hill there, the dip that comes when her hand sweeps over sana's stomach. she makes note of the hitch in sana's breath, nayeon's eyes trailing upwards to meet sana's, her dark eyes twinkling as they shift back to the television and away from nayeon.
thump. thump. thump. thump.
her other hand rests on sana's thigh, nails dragging lazily up and down the inside, absorbing every twitch and tremor that sana gave. the hand on sana's stomach slowly creeps upward into her shirt, resting for a second because if sana said no, nayeon would remove her hand in a heartbeat. the "stop" never comes and her thumb arcs across the skin on sana's stomach, sana's labored breaths obvious when her ribcage is erratically colliding with the palm of nayeon's hand. her traveling fingers come to fixate on the plateau of sana's abs as she outlines the curves.
thump, thump, thump, thump.
the hand on her thigh creeps up to the waistband of sana's shorts and snaps it against sana's waist at the same time her other hand begins edging the outskirt of sana's bra. her fingers splay flat on her stomach and her own heart begins to match the beat of sana's.
nayeon slides her head from sana's chest to her neck, right in the crook of it where she's directly below her ear.
"your heart is beating really fast," nayeon whispers, her hot breath blowing onto sana's earlobe and causing her to flinch out of her trance-like state.
"oh, yeah? didn't notice," she mutters, her pupils landing on nayeon's soft facial features and mentally mapping the fullness of her lips because god she's close, "you're feeling me up on our couch, nayeon. you couldn't have waited for us to be in bed?" sana's common sense is short-circuiting and it's the best retort she can muster when nayeon's electric fingers are still wandering underneath her shirt.
nayeon chokes at the thought of them in bed together and it gives sana the slight advantage she needs. she slips herself out from under nayeon and the hand in her shirt is forced out, sana crowding into nayeon's personal space and feeling far too much adrenaline pumping through her veins. one of her hands is sunk into the cushion right next to nayeon's head and the other comes up to caress nayeon's cheek. she needs to get a hold of herself and this is the only way she knows how.
"you can't see her anymore." sana says, her voice barely above a whisper. her face is contorted downward and she looks broken as the words leave her lips. nayeon can't help but wonder what happened to the moment they were having moments before because now her mind is reeling with the fact that sana's known the whole time.
"w-what?" nayeon's stuttering and she can't help the heat that tints her cheeks wine red. sana's only inches above her, her dark hair curtaining nayeon's face and blocking out everything else around her vision. if she wasn't already intently honed in on sana's presence, she was now.
"momo. you can't keep seeing her," she manages again, quiet but more persistent, "you can't toy with me like its nothing and then go off with her. it'll break me."
nayeon has tears stinging at the corners of her eyes and she wants so badly to tell sana that her whole heart is in her hands, to tell her that momo is nothing compared to her, but her tongue is tied. she can't even fathom how sana must be feeling, with her voice so small and her eyes dark as night. so with that, she collapses her arms around sana because there's nothing she'd rather be doing. her arms hold tightly to sana's body and they ache, they ache from grasping onto her so hard, scared of letting go.
and sana can't even bring words to her mouth or amount to anything but strangled sobs against nayeon's shaking chest. her face is buried in her neck, trying to hide from the outside world as her body empties itself of everything it's ever kept bottled up. she was so honest, so vulnerable and she can't imagine what she'll have to do if nayeon says nothing in return. especially if she keeps seeing momo. she hiccups against nayeon and the arms around her middle coil even tighter somehow, weighing her down like her body will float away otherwise.
"i promise." nayeon states loud and clear as she presses her lips to the top of sana's head. there's rivers running down her cheeks and she can't help her protectiveness even though she knows she's the one hurting the one she loves.
sana lifts her head, eyes meeting nayeon's for the first time in a while and they both forget what it means to breathe. they're both bare and honest and they haven't been this emotional in months. not since nayeon started seeing momo. never again.
"i'm not going anywhere. i'm sorry." nayeon repeats the last sentence like a mantra when sana suddenly springs back to life. she sits up, pulls nayeon with her until she can cup her face between her hands. nayeon's repetition of sorry's stops after sana's mouth closes on hers and she can't remember anything having a better feeling. it's the equivalent of having pure sunshine pour down on her, of having every drug at once injected into her heart, of having hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
sana pulls away first, smile bright despite the wet streaks on her cheeks. her eyes are whirlpools and nayeon finds herself drowning in them. she smiles back with her chest continuing to shake because she's happy and confused and sad and it's all extremely overwhelming. she can't help but cry. especially when sana kisses her forehead and stares at her with the most devilish, loving glare she's ever witnessed.
"you better be."
because underneath sana, nayeon is absolutely everything.