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Complete Guide on How to Survive Twilight (2010)

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Before I begin, I want to point out that this is apart of a series called "The Wayback Adventures." I would suggest going here and reading about it for a moment, before returning. It explains a little bit why I'm doing or writing this. Thank you.


            Imagine this: you’re a twelve year-old girl. It’s in the middle of the summer, and it’s the height of everyone talking about Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. You read the books, but didn’t quite hate them. Found them bland and boring? Yes. But you didn’t have a burning hatred of them.

            So, what do you do? You write a terrible fanfiction of course!

            Under the guise of Twilight-bashing, I wrote “Complete Guide on How to Survive Twilight.” Not using spell check, plotting the story out, or even giving a second thought to the source material, I spat out words until I wrote… this.

            For those of you who don’t know what Quizilla is, Quotev is actually a very close second. You could post stories, polls, quizzes, and pretty much whatever else you decided to share. I was a part of the Fanfiction community, and I was cancer. And I don’t mean my stories weren’t good, either. If there was someone who didn’t like a certain character I liked, it was on. And I wasn’t the only one. Think of a baby tumblr, with less cyber bullying and more blocking accounts (but not falsely reporting them) as our way of fighting.

            Fortunately for myself, or unfortunately for the Twilight community, nobody gave two shits if you bashed Twilight. It was, and is, considered a joke of a series to many. But like I had said earlier, I didn’t like it (at the time) for the wrong reasons. My reasons for not liking it now and then are different, and definitely more valid.

            One of the things I did for my stories, like many people on Quizilla (and you can even see on Quotev), was create an “Info” page for my OCs. This isn’t something you should need to do. If you have to have a page dedicated to describing your character so you don’t do it within your story, you need to reevaluate yourself for a moment.

            I would take a random picture, slap a name on it and say “but with blue eyes instead of red” or “black hair instead of blonde” in reference to the picture I shared. Many of these I just straight up stole from google, but because I never said “hey, I drew this!” I didn’t think twice of it. It was kind of an unspoken assumption that, unless stated otherwise, you didn’t draw the picture.

            And like many people, my OCs were for self-insert purposes only.

            So how bad could my self-insert OC(s) be? Well, let’s find out and break down my “info” for my story.

Not everyone is lucky. Not everyones wishes come true- and are what they wished. . . This is a story about a 12 year old girl who wished to go to the Naruto world- insted: She is traped in the mind set of Twilight! With all this Twilight man things- can she overcome her feer of sparkiling gay ass vampires and the occestionl buttsniffers? Or will she give in and go to the Vulturi were they will kill her or turn her into what she feers most- A Gient Blood Sucking Sparkling Fairy Of Gayness. This is the complete gueid on how to survive Twilight. (Also so she dousnt feel bad- im inclooding her Twilight loving freind like-sister so she dousnt feel alone!)

            Right off the bat I started my Info off with a summary. Which, at the time, was something you kind of had to do. The space for a “memo” was sparse, and many people went over the character limit for it.

            But this isn’t the time for that. There are a few things I want to specifically point out… besides the typos, spelling and grammar. That would be a cheap shot at this point, seeing as it’s expected.

            The first thing I want to point out was “about a 12 year old girl” and “so she dousnt feel bad- im inclooding her Twilight loving freind like-sister”.

            You can already see some parallels, I hope. I was a twelve year old girl, and I included a “sister-like friend” so that character wouldn’t be alone. I did a lot of projecting in my stories. I wasn’t a lonely kid, don’t get me wrong, but I did long for some type of closeness in friendship. I was the only girl in my family (regarding cousins and having a brother) and in a very awkward age-range, too. Seven and a half years younger than my brother, and about four years older than all my cousins. Nobody liked the things I liked, either. I also lived about an hour away from my cousins and old friends that I had left behind… about three years prior.

            My online friends, and the group I had at school, were he only ones I could talk to about my love of anime and hate of Twilight. And yes, we bashed Twilight a lot.

A/N: I know I hate Twilight- but if any of your wishes back-fire and for some weriod reson your stuck in twilight and you read this- YOUR WELCOME!!!!

            Okay. An author’s note after the summary? Like, was that really necessary? I only reiterated what the summary said. At that point, I was just writing words for the sake of writing them.

Name-Phoenix Kindle (Dont Ask -_-)

            What do you mean “don’t ask”? Because you know the name is stupid? Because you want people to ask? Like damn, younger me. Either be confident or pick a name that isn’t stupid. Or at least one you thought was stupid and used it anyway.

            I say this because I distinctly remember thinking it was a bit outlandish. But the name Phoenix sounded cool to twelve year-old me, and I used it anyway! Minor spoiler alert, I’m pretty sure I got self-conscious and ditched the names for pseudonyms. We’ll find out later.

Age- 12

Looks- Shoulder-Length black hair, dark brown eyes.

            So not only was I making the OC me, but I was literally making the OC perfect me. Had she been described as a bit chubby and a midget among midgets, we’d have an imaginary side-by-side comparison of twelve year-old me with twelve year-old me.

            Though, at the time, I wouldn’t have been caught dead with short hair. After having my grandmother forcibly cut my hair when I was eight… yeah, I wasn’t having any of it. So yay for a pseudo anonymity.

Faimly- Her mother is currently looking for a job- her father is a Sherif. Her brother (Finely) Moved out! ^^ (Oh I wish my brother would finely move out -_-)

            Let’s play the “what did my family do for a living” game! If you said my father was a sheriff’s officer, you would be wrong. At the time my mother was in-between jobs, my dad was a civilian worker for the sheriff’s office (an aviation mechanic, to be exact) and my brother was… twenty.

            Coincidentally, I just turned twenty!

            The point was, I was projecting my uninteresting life into a story. Also airing things I probably shouldn’t have. But it’s okay now. I think. Whatever.

Bffle- Galexy Johnson (Dont ask -_-)

            There is nothing really interesting about this other than the name. Which, obvious. And not being I was like, “don’t ask -_-“ (which was bullshit). But the name Galaxy Jackson is the reverse of Jackson Galaxy, who is a famous cat behaviorist.

            Maybe I’m psychic? Lol, joking. It’s just a series of coincidences, especially being as I named a female character Blair White… Oh my god!

Worst feer- Being traped in Twilight

            “Feer” was one letter away from being beer. And you know what that means? I’m a year away from being legally allowed to drink, and my birthday falls on a Sunday. Fuck.

Name- Galexy Johnson

Age- 12

Looks- Shoulder length brown hair, light green eyes.

Faimly- Her mother and father work a full time job- so she has to go to summer school with her brother and freinds for the summer -_- (Sucks for her)

            I’m sitting here, trying to figure out which friend I pinned this character on. But I think I know the friend. I won’t say her name, but we’ll call her… Alyssa. Alyssa went out of state for the summer that I was twelve. She was also the closest out of the group of three people I befriended within sixth grade. Possibly four, and if that was the case, then she was the second closest.

            She was incredibly loud and fun, and gave me a run for my money of being very annoying. We annoyed a lot of people together, to put it mildly. I also remember her being shorter than me in sixth grade and then everyone was taller than me by seventh. I’m not exaggerating in the slightest when I say I stopped getting taller once I became twelve. Or at least that’s what it feels like. Once I hit five foot nothin’, I was done.

Bffle- Phoenix Kindle

Dream{Unknown to Phoenix}- To secretly go to Twilight and meet Edward Cullen- And kick Jacob Black were the sun dont shine (Though Phoenix read the intire seres, and then relized it was gay- Poor Phoenix

            I still don’t know why we used “gay” as an insult. With the amount of friends I had turning out to be bisexual or lesbian, we would still call you gay. It isn’t even something we associated with a total negative connotation, either. We were yaoi lovers, and if not at the age, we were getting close to discovering the wonderful world of yaoi.

            To put it bluntly, we kind of used “gay” as a catch-all term. Namely stupid, if you listened (or in this case, read) to the context of which it was being used. Yes folks. We turned gay from meaning happy, to meaning homosexual, and then meaning stupid.

            And don’t even get me started on my school nurse being named Gay. Like, I’m not lying. Off topic: but I remember her complaining to me that no one would spell her name right. They would spell it G-A-Y-E or something similar to that effect. I don’t think she quite put two-and-two together, seeing as gay was used as a school-yard insult and to label one as a homosexual.

Me- I still hate Twilight: I just wounder what it would be like to write this story! Support to all the Twilight haters would be nice- no hate male. And sadly- Twilight fans might like this! Well- the Vampire fans at least! Ps- I know I will spell the names wroung anyway. *Smirks* I can already see what Im going to say to Mr. Carlilly lolz XD

            I feel like the ending Author’s Note deserves a bit of an explanation. I used to call Carlisle Mr. Carlily because, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to say his name. I couldn’t remember anyone within the movies explicitly saying his name, and it wasn’t like I could go on Netflix at the time and pull up Twilight to figure it out. It was such an unusual name that I wasn’t prepared in the slightest. So, to avoid trying to say his name, I’d call him Mr. Carlily instead.

            With all that out of the, I’ve finished the abomination that is the “Info.” Now, this isn’t the earliest thing I’ve written, but I wanted to start off with this series for a few reasons.

            The first being I accidentally clicked this first. And being someone who didn’t and doesn’t like Twilight, it’s probably time I call myself out on things I unfairly judged at the time.

            But I still think calling Werewolves “ass sniffers” is a pretty damn good insult. But mostly in human form, when they’re trying to “blend in” with humans. A subtle nod that you’re aware of what they are, you don’t give a shit, and people will just think they’re nosey. I mean, best case scenario.

            Anyhow, prepare yourselves! Chapter One of this, oh dear lord… I honestly don’t know. I’m going in blind with all ya’ll.

            Chapter One HYPE! (And by hype, I mean this is going to be the written version of a “try not to cringe” challenge)