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Five Times Melinda May Slept with a Hacker

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1. Penelope Garcia

“Wow. Just… wow. You are very good at that.”

“Thanks. You’re pretty good yourself.”

“So, this is probably the wrong time to ask, but like, you know that there are a bunch of holes in your cover ID, right?”

“Excuse me?”

“I only mention it because I really like you and you kind of seem, you know, obviously governmenty, so I just thought you should know so you can tell someone to, you know, fix it.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Right. Of course.”

“Thanks.”

--

2. Alec Hardison

“Let’s go again.”

“Catch your breath, Alec.”

“Don’t need to catch my breath. And you’re so gorgeous and perfect. And I’m so glad you didn’t kill me, because then we would have missed this.”

“I was never planning to kill you.”

“That’s good. Keeping it cordial. No lethal intent. Makes me happy.”

“Yeah, I can see how happy you are.”

“Told you I don’t need to wait.”

“Youth is wasted on the young.”

“Is that a yes? I mean, no pressure. You want to just play videogames or something, I’m totally cool.”

“That’s a yes.”

“…On the videogames?”

“Yes on the second round of sex. Never on the videogames.”

--

3. Tony Stark

“So, did that just happen because SHIELD wants to keep me off its servers tonight?.... OW!!!!”

“Did you really just say that?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, of course you wouldn’t sleep with someone for a mission.”

“Of course I would sleep with someone for a mission if I had to.”

“Right.”

“Which is obviously not nearly as legitimate as sleeping with people because you’re bored, because you’re drunk, or because you’re awake.”

“Fair point.”

“I cannot believe you think I would have to sleep with you to keep you in line. I know 827 ways to kill you with my bare hands and even more ways to knock you out.”

“Maybe you like me too much to cause me physical harm?”

“Do you think that’s the case?”

“Umm… no. And from the way you’re looking at me, you don’t think I’m charming. Or funny. Although I have it on very good authority that I am both those things.”

“Not so much.”

“And I can tell when people are about looks or money – Stark sixth sense -- so… do you just have a thing for computer geeks?”

“No.”

“Holy crap! You totally have a thing for tech geeks!”

“Shut up, Stark.”

“This is awesome.”

“I’m asking Fury to send Agent Coulson to handle you from now on.”

“Now see, that’s no good. Coulson almost never sleeps with me.”

--

4. Felicity Smoak

“Staying in Starling City long?”

“Leaving tomorrow.”

“I mean, do you want to stay here for the night? If you want? I can make breakfast. I’ll serve you in bed. Breakfast. I’ll make breakfast and serve you breakfast in bed. Is what I meant. So… do you want to?”

“Nah.”

“Oh. Okay. Sure.”

“Let’s do breakfast in the kitchen. I do a mean French toast, and we wouldn’t want crumbs in the sheets. In case we want to use them again.”

“Oh. Great. I’m looking forward to pouring syrup on your French toast. I mean, not on--”

“It’s okay. I know what you mean.”

--

5. Skye

“That was… um.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“Melinda?”

“Yeah?”

“Does this mean that we’re….”

“Do you want it to mean that?”

“Um. Actually. Yes. Yeah. Do you?”

“I’d like that.”

“Good.”

“What?”

“I’m just excited. Melinda May is my girlfriend. How awesome is that?”

“Okay."

“My girlfriend is a total badass.”

“Well, so is mine.”

“You really think so? And you better not mean you’re dating Hill or someone on the side.”

“No. I mean you, Skye.”

“Oh. Thanks. So you want to do regular date nights or something?”

“Like what we just did tonight?”

“Yes. Lots and lots of nights like tonight. But do you also want to like, go out and stuff?”

“I don’t really do that kind of thing.”

“Oh. Okay. That’s totally cool.”

“But … I’m willing to try.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Really…. Now why are you looking at me like that, Skye?”

“My girlfriend’s a total marshmallow softie.”

“That is highly inaccurate.”

“A marshmallow softie with a good heart and a smoking hot body and the ability to kill someone with her thumbs.”

“Why would someone not be able to kill someone with their thumbs? That’s like not being able to kill someone with a gun.”

“Nice job changing the subject from what an awesome marshmallowy girlfriend you are.”

“Yeah. You’ll see how nice and soft I am if you try to sneak a tracker on me, or use facial rec to track me for anything other than a mission.”

“Wow, way to make me feel like a creep. Why would you think that?”

“Please. The only people who care less about personal privacy than SHIELD are hackers.”

“Okay. Maybe I look at what you’re doing via satellite once in a while. But only because you look so beautiful when you’re doing your shopping.”

“That’s very sweet. Stop it.”

“Fine. But how did you know I would do stuff like that?”

“You’re not the first hacker I’ve been with.”

“Really? Who was the other one?”

“… Never mind.”