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If I Were 'A Were'

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Stiles knew that he wasn’t the most subtle person to ever grace this earth. But compared to the Hale’s he was a fucking ninja.

He couldn’t believe that no one had figured out yet that they were actually werewolves. Real, actual, honest to god werewolves. That no one knew about.

Stiles really started to question this town’s intelligence.

It took him three days to suspect what they were and after the full moon on the eighth day of their acquaintance, he was convinced and had damning proof right there.

They were having deer for dinner. Deer and rabbit. When none of them were a hunter and no one in that house owned a gun. That in itself was suspicious enough, but then, to top it off, they also let Stiles see the carcass before they cut it into smaller bits.

And a torn out throat is not exactly the death a hunter, a human hunter, would inflict on some poor deer. Werewolves though…. They most definitely would.

Stiles had been suspicious before that though. Cora and Laura had roped him into some kind of friendship in less than a day, Stiles was still unsure how that actually happened, and even Derek seemed not to hate Stiles on sight, which was strange enough.

But they wouldn’t stop talking about how something, or even someone, smelled, they noticed people long before they even came in sight, they knew when someone was upset, and don’t even get Stiles started on all the touching. Though according to what he found online, scenting was more like it.

They were like a bull in a china shop and Stiles wondered how no one had figured it out yet.

And worse, how the Hale’s could think that they were subtle at all.

“So this has been sniffing,” Stiles declared when he made his way over to the door to leave. He was determined to find out how many dog/wolf related puns he could make before someone caught on to the fact that he actually knew.

Peter’s head snapped towards him, and Stiles was pretty sure that he was the only one with something even remotely resembling a brain.

“I think you mean spiffing,” Cora piped up and Stiles rolled his eyes.

“You’re very dogmatic, aren’t you?” he asked her and Peter started to laugh.

“Only when you use the wrong words,” Cora said and Stiles could tell that she was serious.

Well, at least Peter had already caught on. But as long as no one would admit that he was right, he would continue this.


Derek was restlessly fidgeting in his seat and Stiles knew it was because of the full moon. It made all of them restless.

Still. That didn’t mean he enjoyed being rushed. Especially not by Derek.

“I know you want to wolf down all this food,” he said with a little eyebrow waggle, “but we are waiting for your sisters.”

“I am not as impatient as you seem to think. I do have manners, you know,” Derek gave back without even reacting to Stiles pun, who mentally wrote down another point for himself. It was ridiculous how dense these people were.


Technically Stiles was at the Hale’s house to go over his chemistry project with Derek. Somehow that had ended in Laura giving him a rundown of the psychology class she had at her university.

“Don’t bore him to death, he’s the only fun one around,” Peter said when he entered the kitchen to apparently just linger around.

“Don’t listen to him, Laura, this is the most interesting thing I have heard all week. As you were,” he told her.

He saw Peter laughing from the corner of his eyes, and felt very good about himself, but Laura was frowning at her uncle.

“What has gotten into you?” she asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Just some primal urge or something,” he threw casually over his shoulder before he left again.

Stiles almost choked on his mouthful of water.

“Yeah, or something,” he mumbled into his glass, almost inaudible, but Laura’s attention was instantly on him.

“What does that even mean?” she asked and Stiles had the sudden urge to smack his head into the desk.

The least subtle people ever.


Stiles had thought making a playlist for his special needs would be more difficult. But as it turned out there were hundreds of songs dedicated to wolves and the moon. It was actually a bit hard not to download them all.

Instead he restricted himself to thirteen for each topic and put them all on his phone.

He selected different ones as ringtones for all the Hale’s he had in his phone. Big Bad Wolf by In this Moment for Peter, Shakira with She-Wolf for Laura, Moonchild by King Crimson for Cora, A Wolf at the Door by Radiohead for Derek, and The Wolf by Fever Ray for Talia Hale, who Stiles was pretty sure was the alpha.

The first time Laura called him while he was at the Hale’s Derek frowned at him while Peter seemingly choked on air.

“I didn’t know you liked Shakira,” Derek said while he shot a concerned glance at Peter, who was beet red in the face.

“Are you alright, Peter?” Stiles asked him with the sweetest voice.

“Fine,” he choked out.

“You’re just over the moon Laura called, right?” Stiles asked further and he was pretty sure Peter would die if he didn’t stop trying to smother his laugh soon.

“Right,” he wheezed and then quickly left the room.

“Aren’t you going to answer it?” Derek asked and Stiles shrugged.

“I thought I’d let you enjoy this particular song first,” he told him, which only earned him a raised brow.

At one point they had to catch on. They just had to.


 “Come on, let’s go,” Cora almost shouted in excitement. “We have the meat, let’s get going, come on, come on, come on.”

“Why don’t you start for the den first?” Stiles asked and saw the tell-tale shake of Peter’s shoulders. “I need something from home before I can deal with you pack and I am sure Peter would love do drive me.”

Cora didn’t even wait for Peter’s answer before she was off and Peter was quietly laughing behind Stiles.

“My god,” Stiles groaned and turned around to Peter. “They can’t all be this oblivious, can they?”

“I’m afraid so,” Peter gave back, but he was still chuckling. “Though I do admit it’s quite impressive to see you come up with pun after pun.”

“Will they ever catch on?” Stiles asked while he was quietly freaking out.

Peter’s joyance of this whole thing had been confirmation enough but this was almost as good as him admitting it.

“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” Peter told him. “But I also wouldn’t want to discourage you.”

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you write all of my brilliant puns down,” Stiles said but Peter only shrugged.

“Guilty as charged. I want to be able to tell them just how many, admittedly unsubtle, digs of you they missed once the wolf is out of the sack.”

“You’re evil,” Stiles stated and Peter laughed.

“I have to get my fun somewhere,” he gave back, before they finally made their way off to the car.


From then on, Stiles made sure to only use his better puns, or worse depending on who you asked, in presence of Peter.

While it was hilarious to see just how many cues the Hale’s missed, seeing Peter choke on air was almost better.

“What should I do?” Derek asked and Stiles briefly wondered how they came to the point where Derek came to him with relationship questions.

“Well……,” Stiles drew out, waiting until Peter in the kitchen took a sip of his water, “if I were were-you I’d accept,” he told Derek and silently preened when Peter spit the water all over the counter. Especially considering that Derek didn’t even react to his unusual wording.

“You’ve been waiting for her to notice you and now is your time. You’d be an idiot if you don’t go out with her.”

“Alright,” Derek lowly admitted and shot a glance at the kitchen. “You alright there, Peter?” he asked.

“Never better,” he managed between coughs and Derek shrugged before he clasped Stiles on the shoulder.


“No problem,” Stiles said to an already leaving Derek before he made his way over to the kitchen.

“You know, ever since you came along, my family has been questioning my sanity,” Peter complained.

“Rightfully so,” Stiles said. “Considering their general bullheadedness about this whole business, you do seem to be the odd one out.”

“You’d only have half as much fun if I weren’t,” Peter told him with a smirk.

“True enough,” Stiles sighed and then went to find Derek and check if he really accepted the date.


 “I’m not small,” Cora hissed while Laura laughed her ass off.

“You’re tiny,” she wheezed and Cora tried to tackle her to the ground.

“Am not,” Cora shouted while chasing after Laura.

“You are! Look at you! I was already taller when I was your age and I have the tally marks on the door to prove it,” Laura laughed while she dashed out of Cora’s way yet again.

“Stiles. Make her stop,” Cora demanded and Stiles laughed.

“While I do appreciate your confidence in me, I doubt I could. And come on Cora, just because you’re the runt of the litter, you don’t have to be so angry,” he casually tossed out, right before Cora tackled him to the ground.

“Uffff,” Stiles went as he heavily crashed down, Cora on top, but he could still hear Peter’s laugh in the house.


Derek was fidgeting. Again. For a supposedly born werewolf he had surprisingly little control. Sure, he had never shifted in front of anyone, at least not that Stiles could tell, but he really didn’t have a grip on all his other tells.

Such as the rapid leg shaking he was doing right now.

“What has you all nervous and fidgeting?” Stiles asked while he flopped down next to Derek on the couch.

“None of your business,” Derek bit out and Stiles rolled his eyes.

“It’s that time of the month again, huh?” he asked and that actually stopped Derek.

Stiles heart beat just that little bit faster, because maybe, finally, someone other than Peter had caught on.

“You do realize I am not a girl, right?” Derek asked and Stiles only barely suppressed a groan while Peter smacked his book to his face.

A boy could wish.


Stiles was so dedicated to this whole thing that he even ordered a ‘Team Jacob’ shirt.

“Team Jacob?” Laura asked when he wore it for the first time.

“Yeah, you know. Twilight? I’m all for the werewolves,” Stiles gave back.

Laura only stared at him.

“You do know Twilight, right? Sparkling creeper vampires, fluffy creeper werewolves, ‘I’m so in love’ fragile human?” Stiles inquired, because how was this even his life, where someone didn’t know Twilight.

“Ah,” was all he got from Laura, while Peter seemed to seriously doubt the sanity of his family in the background.

“We’re gonna have to do a movie marathon. Get the whole brood together, make a big puppy pile and enjoy ourselves,” Stiles decided and already composed a text in the Hale group on his phone to let them know that their little den would be hijacked by him.

Laura left him to it, but Peter lingered around, quickly reading the message.

“Impressive,” he eventually said and Stiles shook his head.

“The only impressive thing is how still no one caught on. I’m running out of things to say,” he complained and Peter snickered.

“Oh, I’m sure you can still drag it out for a bit. Say maybe another month.”

Stiles narrowed his eyes at Peter. “What do you know that I don’t?” he asked but Peter only shrugged.

“You’ll have to wait,” he tossed over his shoulder before he too left Stiles alone.


Eventually, like in all good friendships, the topic of Harry Potter came up.

“Come on, Stiles, it’s your turn. What was your favourite moment?” Cora asked him eagerly and Stiles could see Peter already hiding his smirk.

The bastard just knew him too well.

“Mh,” Stiles mused, pretending like he had to think about it first. “I think my favourite moment was in Prisoner of Azkaban. You know, where Hermione figured out that Lupin was a werewolf but didn’t tell anyone to protect him. I think that really resonated with me,” Stiles eventually said with a little eyebrow waggle.

“I would never have guessed that,” Cora said seriously and Stiles sighed.

“No, of course you wouldn’t,” he mumbled while he watched Peter laugh.

It happened so frequently recently that his family didn’t even question what Peter was laughing about anymore. Stiles felt like he was at the end of his rope here.


It was two weeks later that Stiles was invited for dinner again and when he entered he was immediately led into the living-room where all the Hale’s where gathered. Stiles barely suppressed the urge to do a victory dance, because he was pretty sure this was it. The big reveal. Finally.

“Why don’t you sit down?” Talia told him with a gesture towards the only empty chair. “We need to talk,” she seriously said and Stiles would be worried if Peter wasn’t sitting so obviously eagerly on his chair.

“What’s up?” Stiles asked and Talia shared a look with her family.

“Listen. What we’re about to tell you might seem strange, but we need you to believe us,” she started and Stiles wanted to roll his eyes. This was embarrassing.

There was another moment of hesitation before Talia gravely said “We are werewolves.”

Stiles was determined to make this as good for himself as he could manage and so he kept his poker face on, until they started to shuffle and shift, obviously uncomfortable and worried about his lack of reaction.

When he felt like he let them stew for long enough, Stiles said in the most deadpan voice he could muster “Yes. I am a were.”

Dead silence settled over the room for a few seconds before Stiles started to cackle so hard he almost fell of his chair.

Only then did Peter start to laugh too, which prompted Talia to look accusingly at her brother.

“He knew? And you knew he knew?” she wanted to know and Peter couldn’t even talk he was laughing so hard.

“Oh come on,” he said after he calmed down. “He has been making puns for three months now. How can you not have noticed?”

“Puns?” Laura asked with a frown.

“Seriously?” Stiles groaned. “The runt of the litter? Over the moon? Wolf it down?”

“The song thing? His favourite Harry Potter moment? The ‘Team Jacob’ shirt? He hasn’t been subtle at all,” Peter told them, which only gained him some stern glances.

“And you didn’t think to tell us this?” Derek asked and Peter just shrugged.

“Honestly, if you couldn’t figure it out by yourself…. And I wasn’t about to ruin all the fun for me.”

“That’s why you’ve been laughing all this time,” Cora finally caught on.


“Oh my god,” Laura exclaimed and put her head in her hands. “We’re idiots.”

“Finally it settles in,” Stiles said with glee. “It took you long enough.”

“Please tell me you’ll stop now,” Derek said, clearly thinking back to all the puns he missed.

“Oh no. You won’t get away this easy. It’s gonna be punishment for all the times you missed in the past.”

There was a collective groan only interrupted by Peter’s chuckles, while Stiles sauntered out of the room, playing ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ on his phone. This would be great.