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Total Drama Couples

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Originally From: A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones (whatever you want to call it)
Age: 11 or 17 (depending on whether it’s the show or the books)
Title: The Nameless
Bio: Born into the Stark family of Winterfell, Arya was the third of five children for Eddard and Catelyn Stark. One day, her brother Robb and “brother” Jon bring home some direwolf pups, one of which Arya adopts and names Nymeria. Soon after, she leaves Winterfell with her father and sister to go to King’s Landing, taking with her a sword Jon gave her and her wolf…who she had to chase away because of an incident involving Joffrey being a douchebag (or as they call them in Westeros, Joffrey). While in King’s Landing, she gets trained in sword fighting, since having a weapon like that is pointless (metaphorically, not literally) unless you can use it. Towards the end of her time in King’s Landing, her father is executed for “treason” because again, Joffrey was being a Joffrey. Luckily, one of the Night Watch snuck her out as a boy. Since then, she harbours a dangerous grudge against anyone who has wronged her or her family.

Originally From: Portal
Age: Unknown
Title: The Mute
Bio: Not much is known about Chell prior to her time at Aperture Science, however she may have been the daughter of a scientist there (or, if you believe the fan theories, Cave Johnson and Caroline). However, she somehow ended up being a part of the Portal Gun testing group, and was frequently ridiculed by GLaDOS…until she destroyed her. Unfortunately, on her way out of the lab, she was caught by a robot and dragged back in and put in a relaxation chamber for an undetermined amount of time (possibly centuries). Chell never says anything, but will never give up…ever.

Originally From: Fairy Tail
Age: 18
Title: The Naked
Bio: Gray used to live in a village to the North, but like all good anime characters, his home was destroyed by a demon named Deliora. A wizard named Ur and her student Lyon find him in amongst the ruins of the village, and Ur decides to train Gray in Ice-Make magic…which involves getting naked. A lot. As a result, Gray developed a habit of unconsciously taking his clothes off for no reason. After training for a while, Gray decides to challenge Deliora and get revenge for all the people it killed, because a child challenging a giant monster was always going to end well. By the way, it didn’t: Ur got killed (sort of) and Lyon blamed Gray for it. Gray went off for a while before joining the Fairy Tail guild of powerful wizards, hoping one of them could help him revive Ur, but they couldn’t. Over the years, Gray grew to be one of the most powerful members of the guild, and works well with its members (Natsu excluded) to complete missions sent to the guild.

Originally From: Baka and Test
Age: 17
Title: The Silent Ninja Pervert
Bio: Kouta is a student at Fumizuki Academy, a school where students are placed in classes based on their test scores, and get better facilities based on how high their score is, but can upgrade their stuff by challenging higher classes with their avatars and winning. As a member of Class 2-F, their stuff sucks. Not that that’s overly relevant here. Kouta’s notorious among his classmates as being a major pervert, managing to have a camera ready for every potential panty shot no matter how quick the opportunity is. He’s also probably lost more blood through nosebleeds than any anime character ever.

Originally From: Bob’s Burgers
Age: 9
Title: The Psycho Child
Bio: Louise is the youngest child of Bob and Linda Belcher. Louise is incredibly intelligent for her age, and uses this intelligence to her advantage, often manipulating people into her way of thinking. However, she is still very loyal to the people she cares about, and may use her cunning to hurt them instead. She’s so adorable, so her crazy side is viewed as more harmless than anything…most of the time. She prefers conflict over peace, and is frankly just a little monster with pink bunny ears. Yeah, that’s pretty much it about her.

Originally From: Fairly Odd Parents
Age: 10
Title: The Wishmaker
Bio: Timmy is an average kid, that no-one…wait, KrispyBaconator already made this joke. Anyway, one day Timmy’s parents left him with an evil babysitter named Vicky. The awfulness of having her around caused the Fairy Council to assign two Fairy Godparents to Timmy: Cosmo and Wanda. Because of this, Timmy’s life became much more tolerable (though he still had to put up with Vicky), since he could make almost any wish he wanted, including one wish that allowed him to keep his fairies for over fifty years (though most of his wishes tend to get reversed, for various reasons).

Chapter Text

“Well, here we are guys,” said Alice. “One final competition, then it’s back home for all of us.”
“Which begs the question: where’s Don?” asked Marty. “He’s meant to be hosting this thing.”
“I’ll find out,” said Alice, and with that her face went blank.
“Is…she okay?” asked Rogue.
“Don’t worry, she just does that when trying to see the future,” said Katniss. “Happens all the time.”

“So, what’s the deal with these new guys?” asked Finn. “What special, unique abilities do they bring to the table?”
“I can make things with ice,” said Gray, making an ice shield.
“He said unique,” said Elsa, making a small army of living snowmen.
“You know, your voice sounds a lot like my mom’s,” said Rachel.
“Err, thanks?” said Elsa, unsure how to respond to that.
“It’s not a bad thing,” Rachel hurriedly added. “She’s actually a really talented singer. Not as good as me, but still pretty good.”
“Arrogant much?” asked Elsa.
“Well, it’s not like you’ve been up to much since the last season,” said Rachel.
“Actually, I had a starring role in one of Kieran’s other fanfics,” said Elsa.
“I had a couple of small cameos in one myself,” said Peter.
“Same here,” said Nora.
“I’m still in one,” said Draco.

“By the way Gray, aren’t you cold?” asked Trunks.
“Am I naked again?” asked Gray.
“For God’s sake man, put on his namesake. There are children present,” said Zidane, covering Lyra and Louise’s eyes.
“I’m not complaining,” said Wallace, eyes pointed exactly where you think they would, you filthy minded reader.
“Jeez guys, chill out,” said Gray, putting some pants back on.
“I’m very tempted to burn you for that pun,” said Zuko, holding a fireball in his hand.
“You know, I’ve never gotten along with people who burn things,” said Gray, glaring at Zuko.
“Oh yeah? Get over here so I can melt you,” said Zuko.
“Stop arguing you two. It’s like a song of ice and fire between you,” said Arya.
“What’s your deal, by the way?” Hit-Girl asked Arya.
“I’m a child assassin,” said Arya.
“…I like you,” said Hit-Girl.
“And I like them,” said Kouta, staring at most of the female cast.
“Um…is he okay?” asked Timmy. “His nose is bleeding quite heavily.”
“Just be thankful Alice is in trance mode right now,” said Kim. “That much blood around a vampire? I’d hate to think what would happen.”
“Aww man, that sounds awesome. I wanna see it,” said Louise.

“I just hope I get to do something the season,” said Carly. “I don’t want to rely on Spencer’s art being our only source of income.”
“Don’t you have a successful web show? Why not rely on that?” asked Annabeth.
“Because YouTube changes their rules every other week. Who knows when we’ll get taken down,” said Carly.
“Who would object to watching a cute girl on the Internet?” asked Jake.
“Could you rephrase that in a less creepy way?” asked Edward.
“You’re the creepy one, short stuff,” said Jake.
Edward looked like he just popped a blood vessel. “WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PUNY LITTLE SHRIMP?!” he shouted, about to jump at Jake when Alice woke up from her trance.
“Both of you stop it. Don’t make people have to choose between Team Edward and Team Jake…hey, here’s Don,” said Alice.

“That’s right Alice, I’m here to stop you kids slowly torturing the fourth wall,” said Don, parachuting down to the large group. “Now, if no-one else has anything to add…”
“I could probably say or do something involving either Jake or Rachel…” said Finn.
“Good. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Total Drama Couples,” said Don.
“One problem,” said Wallace. “There are only fifty-one of us, since Kenny died at the start of the last one…” Before he could finish that thought, there was a loud popping sound, and suddenly Kenny was standing with the group. “…never mind.”
“So, first thing’s first,” said Don. “As the title of this season suggests, you will be working in pairs. With each elimination, one pair with be kicked out, unless Kieran decides to throw in a surprise twist and kick out more than one or, possibly, no-one, though I doubt that since this fic is already scheduled to take over a year to write.”
“At least he’s dedicated,” said Haruhi.
“Now, about the pairs…” started Don.
“I pick Arya,” said Hit-Girl.
“I pick Lyra,” said Max.
“I’ll take the naked guy,” said Wallace, ogling Gray again, who immediately got dressed again.

“…As I was saying,” said Don. “Your pairs will be based on the outcome of your first challenge. I give you, The Maze.” Don indicated behind him, revealing a huge maze with concrete walls.
“Didn’t we already have a maze challenge back in season 3?” asked Patrick.
“You did,” said Don. “And to that I say shut up. This is slightly different.”
“Because the author’s out of ideas?” asked Zidane, who immediately got struck by lightning.
“The deal with this maze is this,” explained Don. “Guys go in one side, girls in the other. Each pair will consist of one male and one female contestant…”
“If that’s the case, I’m gonna need a cootie shot,” said Bart, earning in a punch in the arm from Noodle, who knocked him over easily.
“To complete the challenge, you must find a contestant of the opposite sex, and leave the maze together,” said Don. “The first contestant you meet up with who isn’t already paired up will be your partner.”
“Now he’s stealing from my show,” said Nora.
“And you may want to finish this challenge quickly, because not only will the winning team receive something to help with the next challenge, the last team to get out of the maze will be going home today,” said Don.
“Jeez, already?” asked Kevin. “You’re going to make us form a team just to get rid of us right off the bat?”
“That’s exactly right kiddo,” said Don.
“Question,” said Katniss. “What if your partner is an asshole that you despise?”
“Are you referring to me?” asked Light.
“To be fair, you did screw around with her and her friends in the first season,” said Kathryn.
“This coming from a girl who left me for dead in a cave full of monsters,” said Light.

“In response to Katniss’s question,” said Don. “If you end up with someone you don’t like, you may ask to change.”
“Thank God,” said Katniss.
“Of course, I will then refuse and continue the show,” said Don.
“Light, I swear to God…” snarled Katniss.
“Katniss, calm down,” said Finn. “Him and Gary are the only ones you really need to look out for, so just be wary of them.”
“If that’s all there is, I suggest we start this baby up,” said Don. “Guys, girls, to your places.” The contestants separated, and began heading to their respective starting points.
“Hey, Chell right?” said Annabeth, catching up to a woman in an orange jumpsuit. Chell jumped on the spot, as though in response. “…Okay…” said Annabeth, unsure what to make of this. “Well, my name’s Annabeth. It’s nice to meet you.” Annabeth held out her hand for Chell to shake. Chell just stared at it for a while, then jumped again.

Confession Cam: Annabeth
“So…she’s weird. Really weird. I mean, I’ve competing against a guy with two artificial limbs, a guy with spider powers, a half-demon girl, a girl who can basically traverse Hades with no ill side effects, and SHE’S the weird one.”

“So guys,” said Ash. “Wanna work together to try and find some of the girls?”
“I see no reason why not,” said Murtagh. “Our team has been efficient thus far.”
“You had me at girls,” said Zidane.
“You mind if I tag along?” asked Finn. “I really don’t want to think about what would happen if Katniss got someone we hate.”
“Of course you’re welcome,” said Ash.
“How about me?” asked Gary.
“Hell no,” said Finn. “And don’t even think about asking, Light.”
“Your loss,” said Light.

“Okay everyone, are you ready?” asked Don. “GO!” The doors to the maze opened, and fifty two competitors ran in.
“Hey Rogue,” called Faith. “We’re besties, right? How about we…” Before she could finish, Rogue spun around and held a finger dangerously close to Faith’s face.
“Touch me, and I will drain you, bitch,” said Rogue, in a tone that clearly said not to argue. Faith stared at her in shock, but backed away before leaving.
“Are you okay Rogue?” asked Tiffany. “I mean, after everything that happened last season…”
“I’ll be okay,” said Rogue. “But, if you want to stay around me, you know, just in case…”
“Of course,” said Tiffany, leaving with Rogue.

“Wait, we’re actually allowed to travel with others?” asked Hit-Girl.
“I never said you couldn’t,” said Don. “You just can’t win unless you meet up with someone of the opposite sex.”
“In that case, I’m sticking with my fellow assassin,” said Hit-Girl, putting her arm around Arya.
“You kill people too?” asked Arya. “Interesting. I’d like to hear about some of it.”
“Oh, I should tell you about the time I met this loser trying to be a superhero,” said Hit-Girl. “You see, he was in this room full of thugs…” The two children rounded a corner, muffling the rest of the story.

“Annabeth, shall we?” asked Haruhi.
“Of course,” said Annabeth, leaving the entrance with the crossdresser.

“Katniss, Alice, you guys ready?” asked Kim.
“Do you even need to ask?” asked Alice, leading the two girls away. Slowly, the other girls started leaving in groups until there were only two left.

“So Faith,” said Kathryn. “It looks like we’ve both been exiled from the others. Shall we show them the error of their ways?”
Faith frowned at her, then smiled. “You know, you remind me a bit of B,” said Faith. “Okay, why not? Maybe we can even convince our partners to form an alliance.”
“Deal,” said Kathryn, shaking Faith’s hand. “But don’t think we’ll go easy on you in the final round.”
“I wouldn’t expect it,” said Faith, wandering into the maze with her new ally.

Meanwhile, some of the guys were searching hard for a teammate…
“I wonder which one I’ll get,” pondered Timmy. “Hopefully it’s one of the ones with crazy superpowers. They would probably be the most useful.”
“Many of them would be,” said Artemis. “But each also has a considerable weakness to be considered. For example, Haruhi is extremely intelligent, but would be almost useless in a physical challenge, on top of being somewhat unmotivated. On the flipside, Max would be pretty useful for physical challenges, but is hot-headed enough to ruin your chances in a challenge requiring strategy.”
“So, you’re saying you need someone who’s good at both?” asked Timmy.
“Who cares, as long as they’re hot?” said Kouta.
“Preferably yes, Timmy,” said Artemis, completely ignoring Kouta. “Annabeth is probably the most ideal, though some of the others may have unknown qualities that…” Before he could finish, a blue circle appeared on the wall in front of him, and Chell ran through it, crashing into him as she did. “Case in point, Chell here has never spoken, so we know nothing about her.”
“And with that, we have our first team,” announced Don. “Artemis and Chell, you may proceed to the exit when ready.” Chell responded by grabbing Artemis’s hand and dragging him back through her portal, which closed up shortly afterwards.
“Hey, what about us?” demanded Timmy.
“Don’t worry about it Timmy,” said Kouta. “I’m sure one of the good looking ones will find us soon. Preferably one with big boo…”
“Um, excuse me?” asked a girl’s voice. “Kouta, was it?”
“Jackpot,” said Kouta, whirling around. “And which lovely lady have I…oh.” Kouta gaze fell as he realised he was looking at Lyra.
“Our second team: Kouta and Lyra,” announced Don. “Go find an exit you two.”
“But…but…oh, this isn’t fair,” said Kouta. “Of all the girls in this competition, I end up with one that hasn’t even hit puberty yet.”
“I’m sure I’ll settle on a final form any day now though,” said Pan, currently in the shape of a ferret.
“Man, I wish I could find myself a partner for this competition,” said Timmy. A high-pitched ringing was heard, and suddenly one of the walls of the maze fell down, revealing Louise. “Really guys?”
“No, I’m a girl, singular,” said Louise.
“That’s not what I…never mind,” said Timmy.
“Louise and Timmy make our third team,” said Don. “Though I think we’ll need to check the structural integrity of those walls. I was assured they wouldn’t fall over.”
“Hey, these are funny coloured rocks,” said Louise, finding a pink and a green rock near Timmy. “Wanna hurl them at the other contestants?”
“Err…no, I think these rocks are special,” said Timmy. “Yeah, I think we should leave them alone.”
“Why? It’s not like they’re alive or anything,” said Louise. As she said this, however, she watched as Timmy’s eye twitched a little. “Ooh, they are alive? And you know something about it?”
“Maybe…” said Timmy.
“You have to tell me,” said Louise. “After all, we’re teammates now. We need to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses.”
“Jeez, I wish there was a way no-one anywhere could see, hear, or read any of this,” said Timmy, as the camera inexplicably cut to a group of the girls.

“Come on guys,” said Katniss. “We can’t let ourselves be stuck with someone like Light or Gary.”
“Does anyone find it confusing that Kieran decided to put one character named Gary and another character named Gray in the same fanfic?” asked Kim.
“With any luck, one of them will get eliminated within the first ten episodes or so, making things a lot easier for our very confused audience,” said Alice.
“They’ll probably be a very pissed off audience now if that turns out to be a spoiler,” said Rogue.
“I’m sure they’ll have forgotten by the time we get to it,” said Tiffany.
“You know, I could just use my wings,” said Max. “I’ll just fly above the maze, and direct you to whoever you want to team up with.”
“Not a bad plan,” said Alice. “Except it’s probably against the rules.”
“I never said that,” said Don, hovering above them on the platform of a cherry picker. “Any of your naturally occurring talents can be used to your advantage if you so choose.”
“Technically, these are implants,” said Max, flexing her wings.
“Whatever freak, they’re legal unless I say otherwise,” said Don, moving the platform away from them.
Max glared after him because of the freak comment, but let it go after a moment. “Well, here goes,” said Max, taking off from the ground. Not three feet from the ground, she was immediately knocked back down by a yellow and blue blur.
“Max now has a partner,” announced Don. “Guess this can be dubbed Team Flying Monkey.”
“But I didn’t team up with Dorothy,” said Zidane, getting up off Max. Max immediately grabbed Zidane by the front of the shirt and dragged him back down.
“Give. It. Back,” growled Max, making sure to emphasize each word.
“Give what back?” asked Zidane innocently.
“Come on Zidane,” said Alice. “It’s you. You stole something, we just don’t know what yet. This whole thing will go a whole lot faster if you just hand it back.”
Zidane sighed. “You know, it’s not much use being a thief if people know you stole something,” he complained, handing Max the thing he stole back.
“And it’s not much use being a thief if everyone knows you are one,” said Max, before looking at the thing he stole. “IS THIS MY BRA?!”
“Well…” started Zidane, before Max slapped him as hard as she could. “Yeah, should have seen that coming.”
“Hey Zidane, who are you talking to?” called Finn, who rounded the corner and ran straight into Katniss. “Ah. Well, I guess that takes care of getting a partner.”
“I don’t think I could have got a better one,” said Katniss, affectionately rubbing Finn’s head.
“Katniss and Finn are now a team,” announced Don.
“Does that mean some of the others are nearby?” asked Kim, as Ash and Murtagh rounded the corner. “Yep.”
“Hey, who’d you see first?” Ash asked Murtagh. “Was it Kim or Alice?”
“I’m not entirely sure,” said Murtagh. “Do you guys know?”
“I can’t say I do,” said Kim.
“How about this?” suggested Alice. “Me and Murtagh are superpowered, Kim and Ash are not. So, if I team up with Ash, and Kim and Murtagh team up, in theory we should have two somewhat balanced teams, right?”
“Sounds good to me,” said Kim. “I mean, now I have a dragon on my team.”
“Are you just doing it this way so you have permission to use Pikachu?” asked Ash.
“What? No,” said Alice. “Charizard, on the other hand…”
“And with that, we have two more teams,” said Don.
“Three, actually,” said Tiffany, holding Draco by the ear. “This one wandered around the corner as you were talking.”
“Let me go, you filthy Muggle,” said Draco, fighting to get free.
“I don’t know what a Muggle is, but it sounds like an insult,” said Tiffany, a fireball appearing in her hand.
Draco immediately stopped fighting when he saw it, and stared at it in awe. “You…you’re a witch,” said Draco, sounding very confused.
“I thought I established that already,” said Tiffany.
“But…how? How did you do that without a wand?” asked Draco. “Only the very best witches and wizards can accomplish that.”
“It’s all in the head. That’s how it’s done,” said Tiffany. “You just don’t believe you can do it without your wand, so you can’t.”
“I’d hate to interrupt,” said Rogue. “But I’m still partnerless. And I can’t just have anyone either. If I end up with someone with extraordinary powers, I could end up absorbing them and becoming unstable again.”
“She has a point,” said Alice. “I can’t even tell what she’ll do in the future because she’s a mutant. We need someone who has no powers, and we can’t risk someone else coming here first.”
“Leave this to me,” said Tiffany, kneeling down to the ground. “Rob, I know you can hear me, yeh no good scunner.”
“I ain’t no scunner, misseh,” replied someone, and all of a sudden and bunch of six inch tall blue creatures appeared, all with wild red hair.
“What the hell are those?” asked Draco, slightly confused.
“I’m guessing they’re not Smurfs,” said Alice. “They smell too much like whiskey for that.”
“I was wondering why this place smelled like Haymitch,” muttered Katniss.
“Rob, I have a mission for you,” said Tiffany. “Now listen carefully, or else I’ll make your beer taste like broccoli.” The Nac Mac Feegle cried in horror at the thought, and immediately stood at attention. “Now that I got your attention. We need a man…”
“Well, there’re plenty of us tah choose from,” replied Daft Wullie.
“She dinnae mean yeh, yeh scunner,” snapped Rob Anybody. “Continue.”
“We need a man with no kind of power,” said Tiffany. “No magic, no skill, nothing. The less, the better. Then bring them back here. Have you got that?”
“Yeh heard the Hag, lads,” said Rob Anybody. “Find someone dumber than Daft Wullie, pronto.”
“I feel like that’s an impossible mission,” said No-As-Big-As-Medium-Jock-But-Bigger-Than-Wee-Jock-Jock.
“Well, good thing we ain’t taking your feelin’s inta consideration,” said Rob Anybody. “Now, move out.” Within seconds, a couple of dozens blue blurs had vanished from sight.
“So…is that normal for you?” asked Finn.
“Don’t you have a shapeshifting talking dog?” asked Zidane.
“That’s not normal?” asked Finn. Before he could reply, the Nac Mac Feegle returned, and dumped an unconscious figure in front of the group.
“Guys, did you have to knock Jake out?” asked Tiffany.
“Well…” started Rob. “I mean, we figured if he ‘ad any pooers, ‘e’d have stopped us from doin’ that, so…”
Tiffany sighed in exasperation. “Whatever, Rogue’s got a partner now,” she said.
“Technically, she doesn’t,” said Don. “The rule was they needed to make eye contact. She has to wait until Jake wakes up, then they’re a team.”
“Oh, come on, really?” demanded Rogue.
“Hey, I don’t make the rules,” said Don, shrugging his shoulders.
“Yes you do,” said Alice.
“Indeed I do,” replied Don, before moving away.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the maze…
“…So then, my mother helped me with my audition for Funny Girl…” said Rachel, before realising something. “Are you even listening?”
“Sounds real interesting Rachel…” said Elsa, obviously bored.
“And then what happened?” asked Blossom, not showing any more enthusiasm than Elsa.
“You know what? Forget it,” said Rachel, storming off. “I’m going to win this season, and I don’t need all your negativity holding me back.”
“No, don’t go,” said Dorothy, but Rachel had already disappeared around a corner.
“Do you think she’ll be okay by herself?” asked Blossom.
“…And Rachel has teamed up with Ponyboy,” announced Don. “What’s more is, they’re close to an exit.”
“Apparently yes,” said Elsa. “Unfortunately. She was just obnoxious, wasn’t she?”
“Her story might have been okay if it didn’t just compare how your voice is similar to her mother’s,” said Dorothy.
“Well, no point standing around here,” said Elsa. “We need to find partners of our own, or else we’re gonna get kicked out right off the bat.”
“Hold on, I’ll fly above the maze and see if I can find someone,” said Blossom, floating up until she could see around the maze. “Oh hey, there’s somebody. Hi whoever you are.”
“My name’s Marty,” replied the voice. “And…I’m guessing we’re partners now.”
“Indeed you are,” replied Don.
“Well, see you guys,” said Blossom, floating down to meet her new teammate.
“What about us?” demanded Dorothy, but Blossom had already left.
“Guess we’ll have to find partners on our own,” said Elsa.
“How do you intend to do that?” asked Dorothy.
“Like this,” said Elsa, holding out her hand. Ice shot out of her hand, and began piling up and up until there was a huge pillar of ice with a sign reading ‘Elsa and Dorothy are here’, an arrow pointing down at their spot. “And now we wait,” said Elsa, leaning back against the wall.
They didn’t have to wait long. After about a minute, a metal claw of sorts stuck itself into the ice tower, and a young man with brown hair swung around and lowered himself to the ground before them. “So, who am I going to team up with?” asked Eren, as he opened his eyes on Dorothy. “Guess we’re a pair then.”
“That seems like a really odd pairing,” said Elsa. “Like Kieran had paired up every other character, and you two were the only ones left.”
“Hey, I wonder who you are going to be paired with,” said Dorothy, as someone smashed through Elsa’s tower, their hands on fire.
“Okay, so this wasn’t a trap set by Gray,” said Zuko. “Sorry about that Elsa.”
“Don’t be,” said Elsa. “Now we’re paired up too, so we can…” All of a sudden, someone burst through a wall, landing in front of the group.
“I’m here Elsa. Guess we’re a team no…” started Gray, before looking up and seeing Zuko. “Are you kidding me?”
“Sorry buddy, you were too slow,” said Zuko. “Better luck next time.”
“OH YEAH! You wanna fight about it, flame boy?” demanded Gray.
“Oh please, like you’re really a match for me,” said Zuko dismissively, turning to walk away, only to find he couldn’t. “What the?” Zuko looked down to see his feet frozen to the ground.
“Looks like you’re not going anywhere,” laughed Gray.
“Oh please,” said Zuko, bringing a flame to his hand and melting the ice easily. “Come on Elsa, let’s get out of here.”
“I’m not letting you get away that easily,” said Gray, several glyphs appearing around him.
“But first, I’m going to kick this guy’s a…” started Zuko, before being cut off.
“Guys, no battles of epic proportion in the maze please,” said Don. “It’ll make the challenge too easy for the ones who haven’t finished. Also, this is a fanfic, so it won’t come across as good as it should. Especially considering the guy writing it. And finally, this chapter’s already way too long as it is, and we’ve still got partnerships to set up.”
Gray glared at Zuko a moment longer, then settled down. “Whatever,” he said. “He’s probably not even worth it anyway.” The ice wizard turned around and began walking in the opposite direction. “I’ll probably find someone worth teaming up with eventually.”
“Will I do?” asked a girl’s voice, and Gray turned to face one of the many purple haired contestants in this series.
“Gray and Saeko then?” said Don. “Well, I guess that settles that.”
“If we’re going to have an alliance, I have one request,” said Saeko. “Please keep your pants on.”
“I’ll try,” said Gray, doing as she requested.

Meanwhile, with Kathryn and Faith…
“So we’re in agreement then,” said Faith. “We take out the vampire first, since she can see the future and will likely try to stop us, even if it means stopping herself from winning.”
“That’s the plan,” said Kathryn. “One small problem though: she sees the future based on decisions made, so she may know what we’re up to already.”
“Ah, but didn’t you say she can only see what vampires and humans are planning?” asked Faith. “I’m a Slayer. I’m technically not human. Therefore, she might not know what’s we’re doing. If either of us is a liability in bringing her down, it’s you. No offense.”
“None taken,” said Kathryn. “Even so, we’ll need a master strategist to help us. There are a lot of them against us now. Even if this season won’t have voting, we still need people on our side to help defeat them.”
“Oh, and who do you suggest we find for that?” asked Faith.
“Someone those guys have detested since season one,” said Kathryn. “Light, I saw you poking your head around the corner before. Come on out.”
Light rose from his spot and approached the two ladies. “You understand my hesitance to join you, right?” asked Light. “Last time we were working together, you left me for dead in a monster filled cave.”
“You needn’t worry this time, Light,” said Kathryn. “The rules state that we are to work together, and that’s what we’ll do. Now, who’s your friend that I see with you?”
“Gary, you might as well come out now,” said Light. “Looks like we’ve got ourselves an alliance.”
Gary came out from around the same corner as Light had and approached the group. “Yeah, I just have one concern with our little group,” he said. “We’re the four most hated contestants here. There’s no way the ‘heroes’, as they call themselves, will let us win.”
“Then we take it by force,” said Faith. “They can’t stop us from doing that, right?”
“That’s the spirit,” said Don. “You hear that guys? Light and Gary have been paired up with Kathryn and Faith.” A collective gasp of horror rang out from throughout the maze. “Yep, the previous season’s villains are all working together. Let’s see what some of the other contestants think about this…”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Haruhi. “I mean, when you think about it, that’s only two teams that need to be eliminated, as opposed to four.”
“That’s actually a good point,” said Annabeth. “Though we still have to be careful of Light. He’s a lot cleverer than most of us. You, me, and Artemis may be the only ones to be able to challenge him intellectually. He’ll be the key to their success, so we need to watch him closely.”
“Pfft, he can’t be that dangerous,” said Nora.
“He has a magic notebook that can kill people,” said Sabriel. “I know because I met the Shinigami that comes with it.”
“None of that made any sense to me,” said Carly.
“Why do I get the feeling you shouldn’t be here?” asked Sabriel.
“I know, right?” said Carly. “I mean, all of you have these crazy superpowers, and I...”
“No, I mean…it’s like you died,” said Sabriel.
“Oh, that,” said Carly. “Yeah, I got stabbed by some big blue guy in season two, but I got brought back by some magical potion or something. No biggy.”
“I’d say that it is a biggy, but I was in Hell for four years,” said Noodle.
“And I thought I had the longest stint in there out of all of us,” muttered Annabeth.
“Guys, we really need to get a move on,” said Haruhi. “Who knows when we’ll…” Before Haruhi could finish her sentence, she tripped over something lying on the ground. Except it wasn’t a something…
“Hey Haruhi,” said Wallace. “Guess we’re together then.”
“Wallace?” said Haruhi. “Does this mean we’re close to where the guys entered the maze?”
“Maybe,” said Wallace. “Honestly, I wasn’t really paying attention.”
“Whatever,” said Haruhi, helping him up.
“Whoa, the shared apathy between those two is going through the roof,” said Noodle. “Well, it’s not really doing anything, because it can’t be bothered, but it’s there, and there’s a lot of it.”
“Guess we just have to wait around now,” said Nora.
“Why’s that?” asked Sabriel.
“Because every time the focus of the fanfic shifts to a group of characters, their partner immediately shows up,” said Nora. As if on cue, a part of one of the walls disappeared in a flash of blue light, and Edward stepped through the hole. “See? Shortstuff here is my partner.”
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!” yelled Edward, then realised what he just said. “Hey, swears aren’t being censored in this fic.”
“Yeah, we couldn’t be bothered hiring to pay a guy to bleep anything out, so you can swear all you want…I think,” said Don. “This thing’s got a Mature rating, right?” Don quickly checks the rating on the fanfic before he continues. “Yep, we’re good.”
“So, who will my partner be?” asked Sabriel, just as an explosion rang out from somewhere in the maze. The group turned to see a corpse in an orange jumpsuit flying towards them, which Sabriel caught. “Of course I get the kid who always dies.”
“Does that even count?” asked Carly.
“He’ll be back sooner or later,” said Don. “But since he hasn’t made eye contact with you yet, technically it doesn’t count.”
“Then I guess it’ll have to be sooner to make sure it counts,” said Sabriel, who suddenly seemed to freeze over as she entered Death.
“It’s always creepy when she does that,” said Noodle. “Okay, which one of us is getting a partner next?”
“ZOINKS!” came a scared yelp, and suddenly Shaggy came around a corner and crashed into Noodle.
“Me, apparently,” said Noodle. “Shaggy, what were you running from?”
“I saw something fly overhead,” said Shaggy. “I assumed Don released monsters into the maze and one was about to attack me.”
“Oh, sorry man,” said someone, and suddenly Peter was sitting on top of one of the walls. “I was just swinging around trying to find someone to partner with. By the way, hi Annabeth.”
“Guess we’re partners now,” said Annabeth. “Me and the sp…spi…” Annabeth visibly shuddered at the thought of being teamed up with Peter.
“Still doing that, huh?” said Peter, jumping down to her. “Sure it’s a heredity thing?”
“I’ve met several children of Athena, and all of them are scared of spiders,” said Annabeth.
“Just checking,” said Peter. “Because you know, arachnophobia isn’t that rare of a…”
“Trust me, it’s a demigod thing,” said Annabeth.
“So, I guess that just leaves me then,” said Carly. “I wonder who it’ll be.” The group waited for a long moment, but nothing happened. “Aww, why can’t something…” started Carly, walking away from the group, before getting cut off by a length of rope wrapping itself around her ankle and hanging her upside down from the top of a wall. “What the hell?” she demanded.
“HA! Gotcha,” said Kevin, coming out from his hiding spot.
“Okay, good trap,” said Carly. “Now, how do I get down from here?”
“Good question,” said Kevin. “Wallace, how does she get down from there?”
“I don’t know,” said Wallace. “You’re the one who made it. I just provided moral support.”
“Well that’s going to be a problem,” said Kevin. “Hey, where are you guys going?”
“We need to finish the challenge,” said Noodle. “Otherwise we get eliminated.”
“What about me though?” asked Carly.
“Good luck you two,” called Wallace as they left.

Meanwhile, with the remaining guys (finally, nearly finished)…
“Come on man, surely you’re into chicks man,” said Stifler.
“Dude, are you not afraid of cooties?” asked Bart.
“Why did we agree to hang out with them?” Trunks asked Patrick.
“Probably because the writer has been working on this chapter for over two weeks at this point, and just wants to get this over with,” said Patrick.
“Quiet,” said Stifler all of a sudden. “I hear girl voices. And you know what that means…”
“We can finally be partnered up so this challenge can end?” asked Trunks.
“Better,” said Stifler. “We can get lai…” As Stifler rounded a corner, he stopped dead as a sword appeared in his face.
“You don’t want to finish that sentence,” said Arya. “Though if you feel like losing your tongue…”
“Whoa, okay, calm down kiddo,” said Stifler, backing up slowly. “Maybe your friend will be a little more accommoda…” Before he could finish, another two swords appeared in his face.
“No, I am not,” said Hit-Girl.
“Son of a bitch,” said Stifler.
“The name of your autobiography, I believe,” said Hit-Girl.
“Hey, that’s…” started Stifler, but he saw Hit-Girl shaking her sword at him threateningly. “Okay, okay, jeez. Well, I saw the girl with one sword first, so…”
“I have a name, you know,” said Arya. “I think. Kind of.”
“That’s great kid,” said Stifler. “But now, the big people have to…” Before he could finish, Arya’s sword nicked his throat, causing a small trickle of blood to run down his neck.
“If you think just because I’m a kid means I’m useless, you have another thing coming,” said Arya. “I have a list of people I want to kill, and you’re very close to being on it. I will tear your world a-fucking-sunder.” Stifler stared at her in horror, but said nothing.
“Bart’s mine,” said Hit-Girl, walking up and grabbing Bart by the ear. “Any objections?”
“Fine by me, I’m teaming up with Raven,” said Patrick, revealing that Raven was there with him.
“I’m not even sure when I got here,” said Raven. “But whatever. I’m here now, and I’m halfway through the challenge, so I’m good.”
“Which means I need to find Ayane,” said Trunks, before focusing all around him. “Ah, there she is.” Without another word, Trunks flew through several walls to find his partner.
“So, if he could just do that whenever he wanted…” started Stifler.
“Who cares? The teams are made, we need to get out of here before all the others get out,” said Bart, running with Hit-Girl in hopes of finding an exit.

Meanwhile, outside the maze…
“Rachel, Ponyboy, you two are the first to arrive,” said Don. “This means you will get an advantage in the next challenge.” Don picked up a box sitting on a table and handed it to the two of them. Rachel took it and lifted off the lid, while Ponyboy reached in to see what they’d gotten.
“Goggles?” asked Ponyboy. “What could we need goggles for?”
“Those aren’t just any goggles,” said Don. “Those are special goggles that can change between heat vision and night vision. And they will be very useful to you two in the next challenge, so don’t lose them.”
“Yes sir,” said Rachel, as the exit to the maze suddenly became congested with most of the other teams trying to get out at once. After a few minutes, a white blast blew through the group, breaking the stalemate and the walls of the maze. The contestants were dazed for a few moments, but then made a mad dash for the finish line.
“Hmm, I’ll need to go to the high speed to judge this,” said Don, rewatching the footage. After several minutes, Don emerged. “Okay, not that it matters because none of you are first, but Draco and Tiffany came in second. Kouta and Lyra, you were third. Arya and Stifler, fourth. Ayane and Trunks, fifth…”
“You just had to wait until the end of the challenge to scout me out, didn’t you?” asked Ayane.
“Louise and Timmy, sixth,” said Don. “Though we’re still trying to find the footage of what you said those pink and green rocks are.”
“Huh, yeah, weird that,” said Timmy, acting as innocently as possible.
“Jake and Rogue, seventh,” continued Don. “Edward and Nora, eighth. Elsa and Zuko, ninth.”
“Are you just going to be listing off placings for the rest of the chapter?” asked Ayane.
“Look, we’re on page seventeen of the Word document this is being written in, and it’s Christmas,” said Don. “I think the fans would like something nice like this as a gift.”
“Isn’t that cute? Don thinks we have fans,” said Wallace.
“Kim and Murtagh, tenth,” continued Don. “Max and Zidane, eleventh. Blossom and Marty, twelfth. Kathryn and Light, thirteenth. Annabeth and Peter, fourteenth. Faith and Gary, fifteenth. Alice and Ash, sixteenth. Finn and Katniss, seventeenth. Artemis and Chell, eighteenth. Kenny and Sabriel, nineteenth. Dorothy and Eren, twentieth. Patrick and Raven, twenty first. Gray and Saeko, twenty second. Bart and Hit Girl, twenty third. Noodle and Shaggy, twenty fourth. And finally, Haruhi and Wallace, twenty fifth. Which means…”
“Carly and Kevin are out?” asked Dorothy.
“It would appear so,” said Don. “Which group were they with again?”
“We…may have left them behind,” said Annabeth sheepishly.
“We? You at least have a blade and superhuman fitness,” said Haruhi. “You could have helped at least.”

“I feel sorry for Kevin,” said Wallace. “I think of him as a brother of sorts.”
“Is that another actor reference?” asked Don. “Whatever, here they come.” Kevin and Carly ran out of the maze, both breathless. “Carly, Kevin, I’m sorry to say, you are last.”
“But since it’s the first week we don’t get eliminated?” asked Carly, hoping Don had forgotten his first rule.
“Nope, sorry,” said Don. “You’re gone. Time to pack your bags and go home.”
“We had bags?” asked Kevin.
“So how are we leaving this time?” asked Carly. “Cannon? Mallet? Fire pit?”
“What? No,” said Don. “Was Chris that evil to you? Jeez, I’m at least going to let you go home in a limo.” As he finished speaking, the Lame-o-sine pulled up in front of the contestants.
“Of course it’s this dilapidated,” said Carly, turning to face Kevin. “Just so you know, this is all your fault. Seriously, why did you even need to set up a trap like that?”
“I said I was sorry,” said Kevin, as the two of them get into the limo and were driven away.
“One down, twenty five to go,” said Don. “What will the villains get up to? What are the goggles for? And who will be the next to go? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “Our fifty two competitors were all in the one place for the first time ever, and obliterated the fourth wall by mostly referring to the actors who playing them. Then they competed in their first challenge: a maze which was designed to get them all paired up, then eliminate one team, because there are way too many characters in this clusterfuck of a series. And luckily, Kevin and Carly were the first team to leave, because the author had no idea how to use them. Meanwhile, Rachel and Ponyboy, another seemingly random pairing, won the challenge and earned an advantage in this week’s challenge.” The camera cuts back to Don. “Who will go home this time? Stay tuned to find out, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Glad to see you could all make it,” said Alice, standing in front of a large group of the contestants. “Now, as we all know, we’ve been more or less an alliance since the beginning…”
“And a great one at that,” said Katniss. “Honestly, losing to any one of you would be fine by me.”
“However,” continued Alice. “Our group has grown significantly since it began.”
“Anyone willing to fight against the likes of those four is okay by me,” said Saeko.
“The fact is, we’re not just a group of friends now, we’re a small army,” said Alice. “Hell, some of could BEAT a small army by ourselves.”
“Why thank you Alice,” said Wallace.
“I think she meant people like me and her,” said Murtagh.
“My point is: where do we go from here?” asked Alice. “Keeping this alliance is an obvious advantage to us, because we’ll always have each other’s backs and help one another out. However, teams outside our alliance are likely to see us as a major threat, and try to take us apart. Especially Light’s team. So the question is: do we keep our current alliance, break off into smaller alliances, or dissolve the alliance completely?”
“Alice, what are you saying?” asked Finn. “Are you trying to bail on us? Ash, you can’t really be okay with this.”
“Alice already talked to me about it,” said Ash. “If we keep the team this size, we’re just making ourselves a much larger target. She’s not suggesting we stop being friends, just that we act independently of each other.”
“It makes sense,” said Annabeth. “And if we’re no longer an alliance, one of us could even infiltrate Light’s group, and sabotage them from the inside until we’re rid of them.”
“I think dissolving the alliance is the way to go,” said Haruhi. “Or at least that’s what we’ll say. While they focus on eliminating one group, another could try to ruin things for them from the side. They won’t be able to keep up if we do that.”
“So we divide and conquer?” asked Peter. “Have them so wrapped up in beating one of us that they ignore the rest? I’m okay with this, but who do we use as bait?”
“As I recall,” said Artemis. “There are several of us that they hate. Light has it out for Katniss and Finn. Kathryn doesn’t like Alice. Rogue is Faith’s target. Honestly, we could just wait and see which one they go for, and let them be the bait. But only if the ones effected agree, obviously.”
“Bring them on,” said Katniss. “They don’t scare me.”
“I’m liking the dissolved alliance idea,” said Alice. “Anyone have any objections? And keep in mind, we can reinstate the alliance once we’ve gotten rid of Light’s group.” No-one spoke up. “Excellent, the alliance is dissolved. Any questions?”
“Yeah. Why did I have to come here?” asked Draco.
“Because I’m here, and I’m on their side,” said Tiffany. “And since I’m the more powerful one of us, I suggest you keep your mouth shut.”
“So why is he here?” asked Gray, glaring across at Zuko.
“Because I’m also on their side,” said Elsa. “And if you boys don’t behave, I’ll have Marshmallow come out here.”
“What the hell kind of threat is that?” asked Zuko. “Marshmallow? That’s not scary, that’s…” Before he could finish that sentence, a large ice monster began to form in front of him. “Err…hi.”
“He be mean to me,” said Marshmallow, before flinging Zuko into a tree.
“HA! Take that, jerk,” laughed Gray, before Marshmallow threw him into another tree.

Confession Cam: Elsa
“Now I just have to hope Zuko never finds out Marshmallow is afraid of fire. I’d really like to keep those two in check.”

“Contestants, please come to the central meeting area for today’s challenge,” announced Don. “But first, please help yourself to a complimentary breakfast.”
“I wonder what they have?” asked Nora. “Hopefully pancakes.”
“Knowing this show, it’s probably whatever Chef pulled out of his ass,” said Edward. “Possibly literally.”
“Actually, now that you mention it, I haven’t seen Chef around yet,” said Bart.
“Doesn’t mean anything,” said Hit-Girl. “There are still fifty contestants to serve, not to mention Don and all the crew. He’s probably busy cooking for all of us.”
“So you’re thinking they actually bothered to rehire Chef for this season?” asked Stifler. “Will whatever this is actually be edible?”
“Who cares? Let’s go eat,” said Arya, leading the group to the mess hall.

Soon, all the contestants had arrived for breakfast, and were staring in shock at the large gourmet meal spread before them. “Wow man, Chef really stepped up his game,” said Jake, grabbing a plate and piling food onto it.
“It probably looks good on the outside, but is horrible on the inside,” said Patrick, picking up a piece of bread. “See, this bread is…” Patrick took a bite out of it, and his eyes widened in shock. “Hey, this bread is made of wheat instead of Styrofoam. What gives Chef?”
“Chef? He didn’t make this,” said Don. “He’s still on the run.”
“Wait, what?” asked Raven. “When did that happen?”
“Oh, right, I should explain,” said Don. “You see, Season 3 was a ruse by Chris and Chef to lure some of you into a trap.”
“WHAT?! But Chef was trying to help us catch Chris the whole time,” said Noodle.
“And didn’t you find it odd that you never managed to catch him until the very end, and even then just barely and with the aid of a bunch of others who conveniently turned up?” asked Don. “Yeah, turns out Chris had made a deal with some dark otherworldly beings to bring together the most diverse cast possible, thus creating the ultimate TV reality show ever, in order to satiate his lust for fame, and if you guys didn’t kill him, they would have. So, Chris made a will, and left his vast fortune to Chef, in exchange for Chef capturing contestants for his own amusement in the Aperture Science labs. He didn’t think he could be killed as a computer, but, well, you guys know how that played out.”
“So, where’s Chef?” asked Rogue.
“No-one knows. But Interpol are doing everything in their power to catch him,” said Don.
“You know, I can make this much easier for them,” said Light, pulling out his notebook. “All I need is a pen, and…”
“Light, please don’t commit murder on my show,” said Don. “As for the rest of you, feel free to dig in, and I’ll explain the next challenge. Ponyboy, Rachel, do you still have your bonus?”
“Of course,” said Rachel, holding up the two pairs of goggles. “So, basically we’ll get through to next week with this advantage, right?”
“If you don’t, then it will be very embarrassing, and I will encourage every other contestant to laugh at you,” said Don. “Anyway, your challenge today will take place in total darkness, which is why those goggles will be very important.”
“It’s times like this I wish I was a faunus,” said Nora.
“Luckily for all of you, you do get to use goggles of your own,” said Don.
“Then how do we have an advantage?” demanded Rachel.
“Because theirs only have night vision or heat vision,” said Don. “Also, the teams get to pick in the order you finished the last challenge, so if we run out of the ones you want, too bad.”
“Dibs on night vision,” said Wallace.
“Wallace, we finished second last,” said Haruhi. “We literally get what’s left over.”
“Oh, right,” said Wallace. “Dibs on heat vision.”
“Idiot,” muttered Haruhi.
“Now, as for your challenge,” said Don. “You get to electrocute each other.”
“We’ve got this in the bag,” said Alice. “Or rather, in Ash’s lap.”
“Pika-pi,” replied Pikachu, looking disturbingly excited for the challenge now.
“No, not using him,” said Don. “At least, not for electrocuting people. You will be using Tasers…” As he said this, Don pulled out a propelled wire Taser. Before he could continue, he was interrupted.
“I thought you were going to be kinder to us than Chris?” demanded Ayane.
“You’ll be wearing body armour,” said Don. “This way, we can accurately trace how many times you shock someone, or get shocked yourself. So, you’ll feel it, but in the same way you’d feel getting sucker punched by a balloon. At least, that’s what I’ve been told. I didn’t want to risk messing up my perfect hair.”
“Are we sure he isn’t Chris?” asked Trunks.
“Anyway,” continued Don. “The winner will be decided by this simple equation: the number of times you shock someone, divided by the number of times you get shocked.”
“So if you don’t shock anyone, but manage to avoid being shocked yourself, you get a score of one, since any number divided by itself is one,” said Wallace.
“That’s not how…” started Haruhi, but Wallace covered her mouth as Don pondered this, before pulling out a calculator.
“Let’s see here…” Don muttered aloud. “Zero divided by zero equals…” As soon as Don hit the equals button, his calculator exploded in his face. “New equation: number of people you shock minus how many times you get shocked. And you score as a team, so if your partner lets you down, they’re to blame.”
“Oh, this is gonna be fun,” said Faith, grinning at the other contestants. Several of them shuddered under her gaze.
“Oh, and friendly fire is a thing in this,” said Don. “So, don’t hit your partner. As tempting as it is for some of you.”
“I’m seriously considering if it’s worth forfeiting the challenge just to do it, even once,” said Arya.
“Alright, all of you, line up and grab some goggles,” said Don. “Draco and Tiffany, you get to choose first.”
“I say we take heat vision,” said Draco, reaching for a pair of goggles before Tiffany slaps his hand away.
“I assume heat vision may be detrimental when there are people here who can throw fireballs around at will, distorting what we can see,” said Tiffany. “We’re taking night vision.”

Confession Cam: Zuko
“Damn, she figured out my game plan.”

“Light, what’s the deal with that apple?” asked Kathryn. “Are you planning to eat it, or…”
“Let’s just say I got a secret weapon that’s gonna help us win this challenge, and the apple’s the perfect thing for it,” said Light.
“Are you gonna throw it at someone?” asked Gary. “Because you’ll want more than one for that to be effective.”
“Just…trust me, guys,” said Light. “This challenge is in the bag.”

Confession Cam: Light
“I think it’ll be better if I keep Ryuk a secret from them for now. There’s a reason these guys were the villains of their seasons. I just need to make sure they know I’m in charge here, and that they are my pawns.”

Confession Cam: Faith
“I don’t like that Light’s hiding something from us. We all agreed to this alliance. I guess one of us will have to find out what his big secret is.”

“Okay, now that everyone has their goggles and their Tasers, we’ll head to the arena,” said Don, leading them out of the Mess Hall.
“Please don’t call it that. I’ve had bad times in arenas before,” said Katniss.
“Did yours revolve around a battle for the fate of the world?” asked Trunks. “Because mine did, and I died during it.”
“You look good for a dead guy,” said Max.
“I was brought back by a magical wish granting dra…” said Trunks.
“Genie?” interrupted Patrick.
“Nope, definitely a dragon,” said Trunks.
“Can Thorn do that?” Zidane asked Murtagh.
“Maybe. No-one knows the full extent of our dragon’s powers,” said Murtagh.
“I’m sure we’d have heard of dragon being able to perform necromancy by now,” said Thorn, projecting his thoughts into everyone’s heads, before laying down next to the cave they were entering.

“Okay, you have one minute to find somewhere to start,” said Don. “Once that’s up, the lights go off, and you have an hour to do as much as possible to win.”
“Come on Haruhi, we need a hiding spot to make sure we get our one point,” said Wallace.
“He already changed that rule,” said Haruhi, but Wallace was already dragging her away.
“Guys, we should…” started Finn, then stopped himself. “Oh, right, everyone team for themselves, right?”
“Sorry buddy, but we’re in this to win this now,” said Zidane.
“Except you’re not gonna win, Junior Detective,” said Nora.
“…huh?” asked Zidane.
“Sorry, you look a lot like this other monkey guy I know,” said Nora.
“Come on Finn, let’s find a place to hide before the game starts,” said Katniss, loud enough for most people to hear her. “We might as well try to win, even if it is without them.”
“Hmm…” mused Faith out loud. “So, the goodie two-shoes are splitting up, eh?”
“It’s an act,” said Light. “I’m sure of it. They’re either splitting up until the end of the game, until we’re gone, or to lure us into a false sense of security.”
“So no matter what, we don’t have the manpower to stop the whole group?” said Gary.
“I never said that,” said Light. “Like I’ve already said, Alice is our biggest threat. She likely knows what most of us are planning based on our decisions. If we can take her out, we’re taken out a major roadblock for us.”
“And as a vampire, she can probably see us in the dark, and react before we can land a hit on her,” said Faith. “Great plan, except for the gaping flaw in it.”
“And I’m willing to bet I have a way around this,” said Light, grinning wickedly.
“Care to share it with the rest of us?” asked Kathryn.
“All in good time, partner,” said Light. “For now, I need to see if this plan works.”
“I can’t believe our plan hinges on trusting an egomaniac with an apple,” said Faith.

“Alright contestants, here we go,” said Don, and suddenly the cave went pitch black. The contestants each put on their goggles, some seeing things in green, some in multiple colours.
“Okay Marty, let’s go and show everyone we’re not here to be filler characters,” said Blossom rather loudly. Immediately, three Tasers shocked her.
“Not so loud,” whispered Marty. “But there was one positive to this.” Quickly, Marty pulled out his own Taser, looked where the attacker’s shots had come from, and fired. As soon as he did, he saw Kouta, Noodle, and Jake begin to spasm as they got shocked. “There we go, back to zero.”

Meanwhile, Rachel and Ponyboy started strategizing…
“So, you go out there and attack, and I’ll tell you where they are,” said Rachel. “That way, we can win, and I don’t have to get hurt.”
“So, why do I have to do the fighting?” asked Ponyboy.
“Because you said you’ve been in street fights before,” said Rachel. “If the challenge was about singing, I’d have gotten us another win by now, but we’re not that lucky.”
“Yeah, I was fighting with my fists, not with a Taser,” said Ponyboy. “Big difference between the two.”
“Can you just do it already?” demanded Rachel. “Look, there’s someone. Get ‘em.”
Ponyboy sighed, figuring there was just no arguing with this stubborn girl. “Here goes,” he said, lining up the shot and firing. The shot hit its target, but not before he saw who it hit.
“Hey guys, thanks for the boost,” said Nora, absorbing the electricity from Ponyboy’s Taser, to the point where she kept the shock pads against her arm until Ponyboy’s Taser was drained of power. “Let me return the favour.”
“Not the face,” said Rachel, as Nora fired at the two of them.

Meanwhile, Light was sitting out in the open, with his allies sitting behind a nearby rock, watching.
“What is he doing?” asked Ash, who had seen Light earlier and noticed he hadn’t moved.
“He’s planning something,” said Alice. “He’s either doing something, or he’s pretending to be doing something to make us think he’s doing something. Honestly, he’s clever and resourceful enough to do either.”
“Should we attack?” asked Ash. “If he’s bluffing, we lose nothing. If he’s got something, we can warn everyone else.”
“I should go,” said Alice. “I’m faster. I’ll be able to get in and get out if things go awry.”
“Okay, good luck,” said Ash, as Alice dashed off to attack Light. She figured he probably saw her talking with Ash before, so she ran past him initially, before coming back, Taser in hand. She raised it in order to fire…
…when Light suddenly jerked to life and fired his Taser, hitting Alice. Alice stared at him in shock. She could see the future of every human and vampire based on their decisions, but she didn’t see this coming. “So you can’t see the future when a decision is made by him, huh?” asked Light. “Interesting.”

Confession Cam: Kathryn
“Him? Who’s this him he’s talking about? Did Gary do something? Can Alice not see Gary’s decisions?”

Alice backed away. This was a first. No human had ever managed to slip past her senses. And Light was human, she knew this. She’d seen him make decisions before, she’d even seen it recently. But now? How could he do that?
“Alice? What happened?” asked Ash as Alice got back to him.
“I…I’m not sure,” said Alice. “But we need to figure it out. Not now, but soon. Light’s doing something to get past my future sight, and that means he’s either no longer human, or he’s working with a non-human.”
“Could it be Faith?” asked Ash. “She’s a Slayer. She might have…”
“I don’t think it was her,” said Alice. “Light knew where I was and when to strike. Faith was nowhere in sight. I think he’s got something else up his sleeve, but I don’t know what. Leave him for now, we’ll figure something out for him later.”

Confession Cam: Light
“Well Alice, looks like I won this time.” Light began to laugh, slowly becoming more and more maniacal, before stopping abruptly. “Yes Ryuk, I know you’re the reason it worked. But they don’t know that.”

“Over here Timmy,” said Louise, diving behind a pink rock, while Timmy dived behind a green one. “Now, what’s the strategy?”
“Err…try to hit them without getting hit ourselves?” suggested Timmy.
“Pfft, that’s a stupid idea,” said Louise. “What we need to do is use your…”
“Let me stop you there,” said Timmy. “There are certain…rules, when making…you know…”
“Oh, come on man,” said Louise. “Can’t you just make the rules go away?”
“Pretty sure there’s a rule about that,” said Timmy. “And I’m pretty sure the only reason I haven’t lost them was because I got the camera to cut away from us at the right moment. Speaking of which, I wish the cameras would automatically cut out when we start talking about our ‘secret weapon’, so we don’t have to be so vague about something the audience has already figured…”
“We get it Timmy,” said an unknown woman’s voice, and the camera suddenly cut to somewhere else.

“Why can’t you just hit someone?” demanded Rachel.
“I told you, Nora stole the power from my Taser,” said Ponyboy. “If you want me to do something about it, let me use yours.”
“And leave me undefended? Forget it,” said Rachel. “What we need to do is…”
“What we need is for you to be quiet,” said Ponyboy. “You keep attracting other teams to us, and…” Before he could finish speaking, he suddenly felt himself being electrocuted again.
“I got another one,” said Eren, running off again.
“Sorry,” said Dorothy, following behind him.
“See, that keeps happening,” said Ponyboy. “All because you can’t be quiet for a few minutes. At this rate, we’re gonna prove we’re only filler characters.”
“Don’t worry, we can still redeem ourselves,” said Rachel. “All we have to do is…”

“Time’s up contestants,” announced Don, flicking on the lights. This caused sudden cries of agony from everyone wearing night-vision goggles. “Oops, my bad. Anyway, let’s have a look at the scores.”
“We could be in trouble,” Kim whispered to Murtagh. “We didn’t do that well. Maybe it’ll be…”
“Some interesting results,” interrupted Don, looking at the scoresheet. “Sabriel managed to avoid being hit, while Kenny seemed to do nothing but get hit.”
“Speaking of which, do you mind if I make a quick trip into Death to bring him back?” asked Sabriel.
“Sure, why not?” said Don, as Sabriel’s body froze up. “Shaggy and Noodle only got hit once between them, but only scored a few shots.”
“Well, he’s a quick runner, and I’m a super soldier,” said Noodle. “But if he’d decided to stop for a minute or two so we could hit someone…”
“Like, we’re not eliminated are we?” said Shaggy.
“No, but we’re not first either,” said Noodle.
“You’re right. The honour of first place goes to Kathryn and Light,” said Don. A huge smirk appeared on Light’s face, while many glares were shot at him. “As such, you get to have an advantage in the next challenge.” Don presented Light with a box, which Kathryn opened and examined the contents. “A map?”
“Yep, a map,” said Don. “Very useful for the next challenge. Speaking of things that were useful for a challenge, Ponyboy and Rachel. Remember what I told everyone to do if you lost?”
“They’re eliminated? We get to laugh at them?” asked Kouta.
“That’s not very nice,” said Lyra.
“No it is not,” said Don. “However, I said you could, and laugh at them you must.” This brought forth a burst of laughter from many of the contestants, as well as some kind of mimed laughter from Chell. “But seriously, how did you screw up this badly?”
“It was all Rachel’s fault,” said Ponyboy. “If she could just be quiet…”
“If you could have just attacked when you had the chance…” retorted Rachel.
“I told you, Nora stole the power from my Taser,” said Ponyboy.
“And it was delicious,” said Nora.
“Whatever the reason you lost, you’re out of the competition,” said Don. “Your Lame-o-sine awaits.” As he spoke, the Lame-o-sine pulled up in front of the contestants, and the back door opened. Rachel and Ponyboy continued to argue, even after they got into the car. “Well, there goes two more pointless contestants. Who will be next? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “The good guys, figuring that it would be too easy to win if they were all working together, and that the bad guys would probably go after them anyway, decided to dissolve their alliance. Unfortunately, Light is sceptical of them, and has already started scheming against them. He even figured out how to beat Alice already, and managed to win the challenge for himself and Kathryn. Speaking of the challenge, Rachel and Ponyboy lost, despite having a huge advantage.” The camera cuts back to Don. “How will a map help the winners of last episode’s challenge? Find out now on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Okay Light, spill,” said Faith, holding Light against a wall. “You’ve got something that can stop a future seeing vampire, and we need to know what.”
“Guys, I told you already,” said Light, trying to wrestle out of Faith’s grasp. “Trust me. I’ve got this.”
“Trust goes two ways Light,” said Gary. “You said ‘he’ helped you when Alice attacked you. Who’s this ‘he’? It wasn’t me, and unless there’s something Kathryn and Faith aren’t telling us, it wasn’t them either, so spill.”
Light sighed. “I guess I need to tell you sooner or later anyway,” he said, before pulling out a black notebook. “Here, touch this.”
“Touch…the book?” asked Kathryn, confused. “You want us to touch a book in order to tell us your secret?”
“It’ll sound crazy if I try to explain it any other way,” said Light. “Just do it.”
Kathryn looked at the other two for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders. “Well…okay,” she said, reaching out her hand. “But I don’t know what’s so important about…HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT?!” As Kathryn’s hand touched the book, suddenly a large black demonic creature appeared behind him. Kathryn stared at him in horror, while the other two looked at her in confusion.
“What happened?” asked Faith, touching the book herself. As soon as she did, she too saw the huge demon floating behind Light. “What the fuck is that?”
“What the fuck is what?” asked Gary, touching the book and seeing what the two girls were seeing. “Holy shit…” Gary fell back in shock. “That thing…”
“That thing, as you call me, has a name,” said the monster. “My name is Ryuk. Pleased to meet you.”
“Ryuk here is a Shinigami,” said Light. “Basically, he’s a god of death, and he owns this notebook. However, only those who have touched it can see him.”
“So that’s how you got around Alice’s power,” said Kathryn. “She can only see the futures of humans and vampires, and Ryuk is neither.”
“Just so you know, I have no interest in which of you wins,” said Ryuk. “However, as long as Light has possession of that notebook, I’m stuck with him.”
“Then how come you helped him?” asked Gary.
“Because he had apples for me,” said Ryuk. “Apples are like crack for us Shinigami, at least ones from the human world are. They’re addictive.”
“…Really?” asked Faith. “You manipulated a god of death into helping you with fruit?”
“Well it worked,” said Gary. “At least for them. Now they’re in first place. But obviously they’re willing to share that honour with us, right?”
“Sure Gary,” said Light. “Though I can’t guarantee anything, with all the people working against us. Still, we can try.”
“Well, we’re the only ones who know about Ryuk, so we should still be okay for now,” said Kathryn. “Even if Alice finds out about him, his actions are still invisible to her.”
“Yeah, we should be…” started Light, then stopped as he realised something. “Oh no, I forgot.”
“Forgot what?” asked Faith.
“Sabriel,” said Light. “She found my notebook back in season one. She’s seen Ryuk. She knows about him.”
“That…could be a problem,” said Faith. “Although if those guys aren’t working together, we might be okay.”
“Either way, Sabriel just moved up our threat list,” said Kathryn. “We’ll need to figure out how to get rid of her and make it look like an accident, followed by Alice. After that, we’ll pick and choose accordingly.”
“Agreed,” said Light. “Meeting adjourned.”

“Contestants, breakfast is now being served,” announced Don. “While you eat, I’ll explain the next challenge.”
“Somehow, we have to stop Light from winning again,” said Katniss.
“I’m not sure how he got past Alice,” said Finn. “Maybe we should try and focus on that, so at least Alice can be on even footing with him?”
“Definitely an idea,” said Katniss. “And I know just the monkey to do it.”
“You called?” asked Zidane, hanging upside down from a tree.
“Were...were you there the whole time?” asked Katniss.
“You know it,” said Zidane, dropping to the ground in front of her.
“Zidane, I know we’re not allies right now, but we need you to stop Light,” said Finn. “Find out how he beat Alice by whatever means necessary. Rob him, bribe him, kill him…”
“Whoa, dude,” interrupted Zidane. “I’m a thief. I’ll stick with stealing from him.”
“Don’t steal from him,” said Max, flying down to join them. “If you steal his source of power, he’ll get suspicious and look for whoever found out his secret. You’ll need to see if you can find what it is, then leave everything exactly as you found it.”
“But…” started Zidane.
“EXACTLY as you found it,” said Max. “Which means you can’t steal Kathryn’s bra.”
“Damn,” said Zidane. “And Kouta was going to pay good money for that.”
“Should we really be leaving him with Lyra?” asked Finn.
“Not much we can do about it now, we have a challenge,” said Katniss, leading the group to the mess hall.

Later in the mess hall, everyone was seated and eating as Don walked to the front of the room. “Alright contestants,” said Don. “Today’s challenge is a simple one…for the people holding the map.” Light and Kathryn smiled wickedly at this comment. “It’s a treasure hunt.”
“I am so in with a chance,” said Zidane.
“There are rules though,” continued Don. “Obviously the team with the map to the chest are going to be targeted because they have such an advantage, so they’ll have a one minute headstart…”
“This keeps getting better for us,” said Kathryn.
“…and the treasure chest only has twenty three items in it,” said Don. “So, each of you has to find the chest, take ONE piece of treasure, then return here. Any team who is caught taking more than one has to go back to the chest, return a piece, and come back. I should also add that you may take another team’s treasure for yourself, especially if your team doesn’t have one.”
“Hey Haruhi, wanna wait at the end and take someone’s piece as they’re about to finish?” asked Wallace.
“I don’t think that’s going to work that well,” said Haruhi.
“Aw, but why?” asked Wallace.
“Because you’re going to lie there and wait, while I do all the work and try to catch someone. And I’m one of the weakest people here, so there aren’t a lot of people I can take down,” said Haruhi.
“So yeah, that’s about it,” said Don. “Any questions?”
“Can we steal the map?” asked Louise.
“Is it a second piece of treasure?” asked Don.
“Well, no…” said Louise.
“Then it’s allowed,” said Don. “Of course, you can’t do anything until after that first minute, but once that’s up you can do whatever you want to gain a piece of the treasure.”
“Sweet,” said Louise, smiling wickedly Timmy. In response, Timmy just shook his head. “Don’t worry, I’ll figure out a way around it.”
“What’s she talking about?” Annabeth whispered to Peter. “She didn’t even mention a plan, and Timmy rejected it.”
“Maybe Timmy has some kind of ability that we don’t know about,” Peter whispered back in response. “Keep an eye on them?”
“Definitely,” said Annabeth, before turning their attention back to Don.
“Alright, if there are no further questions, it’s time to begin,” said Don. “Kathryn, Light, are you ready?”
“I am,” said Kathryn. “Let’s do this.”
“Right behind you, partner,” said Light.
“And…GO!” called Don. Light and Kathryn wasted no time, quickly leaving the building and running out of sight of the others. “You guys can start strategizing if you want. Once the minute is up, you can do whatever you have to do to either catch up, or just simply not lose.”

“I hope you have a Pokémon that can track those two,” said Alice.
“I think Lycanroc’s nose can handle it, as long as we get out quickly and give him a chance to track them before everyone else,” said Ash, holding a Pokéball in his hand. “I’ve also brought along Swellow and Staraptor to track them from the air.”
“Excellent, bring them out ready,” said Alice. Ash quickly opened the three balls and explained what he needed. Lycanroc started scenting the area Kathryn and Light had been sitting, and almost immediately got a scent.

“Great, they’re going to win this round,” said Marty, watching Ash’s Pokémon getting ready for action.
“Not if I can help it,” said Blossom. “Listen, I can fly. All I have to do is follow one of his birds, or better yet, take them out, and all of a sudden that’s one less team to worry about.”
“Yeah, but that leaves twenty two others, one of which has a map to the place we need to go,” said Marty.
“I’m sure I can fly faster than them,” said Blossom. “I’ll catch them on the way back, and you keep the other teams at bay.”
“”You mean me, a normal human, keep teams that have vampires, demigods, wizards, half-demons, super-soldiers, assassins, mutants, and titans, just to name a few, at bay?” asked Marty.
“That’s the spirit,” said Blossom, before Marty could object further.

“Alright Chell, what’s our plan?” asked Artemis. Chell responded by holding up her gun. “That’s nice, but doesn’t really answer the question.” Chell glared at him, then indicated the gun again. “I get you want to use your gun,” said Artemis. “I just assume there are limitations on it, limitations that will keep us from winning.” Chell, clearly frustrated, pointed at the ceiling, then drew what looked like the letter A in the air. “Up…A? Oh, upgrade?” Chell nodded in approval. “I guess that’s how Kieran’s getting around the lack on portal surfaces in this fanfic.” Chell nodded again.

“I’ve got this,” said Draco, pulling out his wand. “All I have to do is use the Accio charm on the map, and we’ll have the advantage.”
“And how does that spell work, pray tell?” asked Tiffany.
“I just need to know what the thing I’m summoning looks like, and we’re good,” said Draco. “It’s mostly paper, so it shouldn’t be too hard, right?”
“But wouldn’t you need to know what it looked like?” asked Tiffany. “As in, more detailed than just a piece of paper.”
“Guess we’ll find out soon,” said Draco, as a buzzer went off.
“Alright guys, it’s go time,” said Don. “You may now do…”
“ACCIO MAP!” yelled Draco, pointing his wand where he’d last seen the two with the map. Everyone waited a few seconds, but nothing happened.
“…like I was saying,” said Don. “You may now do whatever you were planning to do to get the treasure.”

“Kim, come on,” said Murtagh, dragging Kim out the door with him. “Thorn, what do you see?”
“Turn left, then follow the path,” responded Thorn from the air, who was watching the two of them as well as Kathryn and Light. “I’ll let you know when and if they deviate.”
“Isn’t using your dragon considered cheating?” asked Kim.
“Technically, while we share a close bond, Thorn is his own being,” said Murtagh. “Therefore, his actions are his own. Plus, are you going to tell a dragon not to do something?”
“…Point taken,” said Kim, following Murtagh through the trees.

“This way,” said Trunks, jumping into the air and flying towards where Light and Kathryn must have been heading.
“How do you know?” asked Ayane, easily keeping pace with her ninja speed.
“I can sense people’s energy,” said Trunks. “Light’s is weird though.”
“Weird how?” asked Ayane, curious.
“Well, he’s got his own energy,” said Trunks. “It’s not a lot, since he’s just a normal human. But he’s also got some kind of separate second energy, like there’s something following him?”
“Is it like Lyra with her dæmon?” asked Ayane.
“I don’t think so,” said Trunks. “It’s like whatever this thing is could be its own being. When I feel Lyra and Pan’s energy, it feels like they’re the same being. With Light, it’s something else. Something dark, but powerful.”
“Hmm…” thought Ayane. “Well, the others decided to dissolve the alliance, so let’s keep this between us for now. But keep an eye on him.”
“Already planning on it,” replied Trunks, as they continued after the two in the lead.

Meanwhile, Light and Kathryn were trying their best to stay in front of the competition…
“Come on, we can’t afford to slow down for long,” said Light, panting heavily but still moving. “We’re not exactly the most physically intimidating team, but we can outsmart them if we can get enough of a lead on them.”
“How much further,” wheezed Kathryn, struggling but keeping up pretty well.
“It should be just at the top of this hill,” said Light, looking up at where they had to go. “Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding.” The path they were following came to a complete stop, right in front of a large cliff.
“What do we do now?” asked Kathryn. “If the treasure’s up there…”
“It is,” said Light, pointing up at a chest sitting in a cave about fifteen metres above them. “We’ll have to climb.”
“Or Ryuk could fly up and do it,” suggested Kathryn, looking over at the Shinigami.
“I could do that…for an apple or two,” said Ryuk.
“Fine, just get it,” said Kathryn.
“Do you have the apples?” asked Ryuk.
“Well…no,” said Kathryn. “But you’re on our side, so…” Before she could finish, Ryuk started to laugh at her.
“That’s adorable,” said Ryuk. “I am on nobody’s side. The results of this competition do not affect me. Unless you have something I want, then no deal.”
“Don’t bother Kathryn,” said Light. “Ryuk won’t help us without a good reason. Which leaves us with two options: climb up ourselves, or wait for Faith, since she’s far stronger than either of us. I personally think we should go with the former, since the other teams won’t be far away at this point.”
“I’m not much of a climber,” said Kathryn. “You go ahead and do it, and throw the treasure down to me. Actually, grab two pieces, so we can give one to Gary and Faith.”
“I considered that,” said Light. “It makes sense, but what if we don’t find them on the way back? Then we’ll be wasting our time searching for them, and another team will take the win. No, it might be better to leave them to fend for themselves.”
“But what if they get eliminated?” asked Kathryn. “Suddenly we’ve lost our main allies, and that puts us at an extreme disadvantage. And we don’t have a great one as it is.”
“Look, Kathryn…” started Light, when he saw it: a large red dragon flying overhead. “Crap, that’s Murtagh’s dragon. He knows where we are. We’re wasting too much time arguing. I’m just going to grab a piece, and then we’re out of here.” Without another word, Light began to climb up the cliff.

“He’s over there,” called Kim, running up to the cliff with Murtagh in tow. “We need to get up there.”
“Allow me,” said Thorn, lowering himself down to the ground in front of the cliff. Carefully, Thorn positioned himself so two of them could climb up his back and into the small alcove with the chest.
“Don’t mind if I do,” said Light, flinging himself onto Thorn’s back.
“But I do,” said Thorn, shifting his shoulder ever so slightly so Light fell back to the ground.
“Chell, we made it,” called Artemis, appearing at the top of the hill. “Now, how are we…” Before he could finish his sentence, Chell fired a portal at the roof of the alcove, and another just below Artemis’s feet. “WHOA!” Artemis fell through the ground, and landed on top of the chest. “That was convenient.” Artemis opened the chest and examined the treasure. “Are you kidding? These are just over sized chocolate coins.”
“Hey, I never said it was valuable treasure,” announced Don over a PA system. “Now pick one and get back here.”
Artemis shrugged and grabbed a coin, before starting to climb back out through the hole Chell had made for him.
“I need to use this,” said Kathryn, pushing Artemis back through the portal and jumping down it herself. She opens the chest and grabs a piece of the treasure. “Light, catch,” she calls, throwing it down to him. As Light was about to catch it, he felt someone land on his back and push him back down to the ground.
“Sorry, but we need this,” said Arya, snatching the piece before it could hit the ground.
“Light, you’re not going to let a little girl humiliate you like that, are you?” demanded Kathryn.
“She has a sword. I think I can live with being humiliated by her,” said Light. “Just throw another one.”
“Fine, whatever,” sighed Kathryn, grabbing another one and throwing it to Light…only for Shaggy to run right past him and grab the piece before he could grab it.
“Like, thanks for the treasure man,” said Shaggy, following Noodle back down the hill.
“Okay, just take a piece and go through the portal,” said Light. “It’ll stop the others from just taking the pieces.”
“Best idea you’ve had all day,” said Kathryn, grabbing yet another piece of treasure…only to see Chell grabbing Artemis, firing one end of the portal at the underside of a large tree branch, and the other at the ground outside the cave. Chell jumped down from the cliff, and appeared out from the tree, before continuing down the hill.
“We have a problem,” said Kathryn, as more teams began to arrive.
“Okay Dorothy, let’s get that treasure,” said Eren. “Just…don’t freak out when you see this.”
“See what?” asked Dorothy, as Eren bit the flesh between his thumb and index finger. Suddenly, a large white smokescreen appeared, and Dorothy felt herself being lifted upwards by a giant hand. “What is going…WHAT IS THAT?!” Where Dorothy’s partner had been was now a huge naked monster that seemed to be stuck with some kind of horrifying grin. “E…Eren? Is…is that you?” The monster seemed to acknowledge this question with a nod, as he lifted her up to the top of the cliff.
“Never mind Light, I think I have a way down,” said Kathryn, taking off her shirt. She waited until the time was right, then slung her shirt over Eren’s giant outstretched arm, riding her way down. Eren tried to swat at her, but it was difficult to do anything without accidentally dropping Dorothy, and soon Kathryn had made it back down.
“Here we are Ly…ra…” said Kouta, almost immediately noticing Kathryn topless as he arrived. Kouta stumbled a bit as his nose began to spurt blood at an alarming rate.
“Kouta? Are you okay?” asked Lyra, scared for her teammate.
“I’m fine,” said Kouta, in a voice that hinted he was not fine. “Pan, go get us some treasure please.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” asked Pan, as Kouta collapsed on the ground. “Kouta?”
“Quick, get the treasure,” said Lyra. “Then we’ll take him back down the hill to get some help.”
“Not sure that should be a priority, but okay,” said Pan, turning into a hawk and flying up to the chest.
“I thought your dæmon couldn’t get too far away from you,” said Annabeth, just arriving with Peter, who’d already slung himself up the cliff.
“Normally they can’t,” said Lyra. “But after a trip into the Land of the Dead, I can travel as far away from Pan as I want.”
“Jeez, I thought I was special for having been to hell and back,” said Annabeth. “Turns out everyone has been to the afterlife before they died.”
“Awful place, I know,” said Edward, just arriving. “At least, I think it was the afterlife. Everything was white and it had a guy named The Truth in front of a big gate.”
“That’s…not even close to what me and Percy had,” said Annabeth, as Peter landed next to her.
“Got it Ann, let’s go,” said Peter, running down the hill.
“You do not call me that, not even my boyfriend would dare call me that,” said Annabeth, chasing after him.
“Lyra, he’s still not moving,” said Pan, coming back with a piece of treasure. “How are we going to move him?”
“Can’t Pan just turn into, like, a horse or something?” asked Nora. “Then you could…”
“Nora, do you know what having someone else touch your dæmon is like?” asked Lyra, in a tone that sounded too serious for a twelve year old. “It’s the most intimate place a person can touch another person.”
“I would have thought that was the…” started Nora, as Edward started dragging her away.
“That’s enough out of you,” said Edward, who then clapped his hands and slammed them into the ground. There was a flash of light, then a pillar of earth around the two of them rose into the air.
“Well, I mean, it’s mostly downhill, right?” asked Lyra, looking at the hill they had to get down.
“Lyra, are you planning to…” started Pan, as Lyra kicked Kouta a couple of times, before he started rolling down the hill. “Yep, you are.”

Meanwhile, more contestants were finding their way to the halfway point…
“We’re here now,” said Draco. “Are you happy?”
“Your wizarding is more impressive than some of the others I’ve seen,” said Tiffany.
“Thank you,” said Draco.
“But we’re still one of the last teams here,” said Tiffany.
“I’ll fix that,” said Draco, pointing his wand at the chest. “ACCIO CHEST!”
“I don’t think that’s…” started Tiffany, who jumped back right before the treasure chest zoomed straight into Draco, knocking him over.
“Hey Faith, look, the chest is on the ground now,” said Gary, quickly grabbing a piece out of it.
“Oh no you don’t,” said Finn, bumping him out of the way as he grabbed the piece for himself. “Katniss, let’s go.”
“Get back here,” said Faith, grabbing Gary and another piece of treasure.

“Easiest thing I’ve ever stolen,” said Zidane, grabbing a piece and throwing it to Max. “Keep it safe, okay?”
“Right,” said Max, flying into the sky. Before she could get far though, a pink blur shot past her. “What the hell?”
“Hand over the piece, and nobody gets hurt,” said Blossom, yo-yos in hand.
“Or what? You’re going to ‘Walk the Dog’ at me?” said Max, tucking the piece into a pocket so she could use both hands to fight.
“You asked for it,” said Blossom, flying at the bird kid. Max waited until Blossom was fairly close, then immediately flew straight up. “What the…” started Blossom, as Max flew straight down at her.
“I’m much faster than you,” said Max, now behind her. “Are you ready to feel the wrath of…what’s with the birds?”
“I may not be able to fly,” called Alice from the ground. “But Ash was kind enough to tell his Pokémon to obey me too, so now you’re in trouble. Swellow, Quick Attack. Staraptor, Aerial Ace.” On command, Swellow flew straight into Max’s chest, knocking her back a bit, while Staraptor did something similar with Blossom. Blossom tried to dodge, but Staraptor seemed to account for that and was struck in the arm. “Now, give me the piece and I’ll…”
“Uh, guys?” called Marty. “There’s still plenty of treasure left for all of us.”
“Yeah, no need to really get into a fight over it yet,” said Ash.
“Oh…” said Alice. “Well in that case…” Without another word, Alice darted over to the chest, grabbed a piece of treasure, then grabbed Ash as she left.
“Hey, get back here,” called Blossom, flying after them.
“Ah, Blossom? I already got a piece. You don’t need to take theirs,” called Marty, following her.

“Draco, have you learned your lesson yet?” asked Tiffany, who watched the whole scene unfold patiently while the treasure chest was crushing Draco.
“Why…haven’t you…grabbed a piece yet?” wheezed Draco.
“Because this competition means nothing to me,” said Tiffany. “Sure, it’s a bit of fun to compete against some friends, but…”
“WHAT?!” yelled Draco, pushing the treasure chest off of him. “Do you know how much money’s up for grabs? Does it mean nothing to you?”
“Honestly, no,” said Tiffany. “My family’s pretty well off, so we don’t need money. And as a witch, no-one’s going to do anything to get on my bad side, so money’s really only a bonus for me.”
Draco glared at her, before snatching a piece of treasure and storming off down the hill. “Come on then,” he snarled. “Or are you too good to do this too?” Tiffany followed him, smiling behind his back.

Confession Cam: Tiffany
“I knew after Draco got hit by the treasure chest that he’d be hurt. Probably has a few broken ribs at least. BUT, I also knew that if I said that money’s not important, he’d forget his injuries and finish the challenge. We don’t have time for him to be hurt right now, so it’s the best way to get him down that hill. We’ll worry about it then.”

“There’s the chest,” called Gray, running over to it. “You’d think they’d put it somewhere hard to get, like that alcove up there.”
“Who cares? Let’s get the piece and…” started Saeko, as a ball of fire landed in front of her.
“Not so fast,” said Zuko, coming out from the trees with Elsa. “We’re getting the last piece, and that’s that.”
“You’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead, hands,” said Gray, cracking his knuckles.
“Gladly,” said Zuko, getting ready for a fight. “Just as soon as you put some pants on.”
“What, again?” asked Gray, looking down, only to find that… “Hey, I’m already wearing…” As soon as he realised what had happened, he ducked down, barely avoiding a fireball flying at him. “Okay, let’s do this.” Gray threw himself at Zuko, already summoning some ice.
“Did they actually check the chest?” asked Elsa, standing over the open box.
Saeko came over and had a look for herself. “Um, guys?” she said. “There are still a couple of pieces in here.”
Zuko and Gray (who were at each other’s throats) suddenly stopped their fight. “You got lucky,” said Gray, pushing Zuko off of him. “Next time, you’re a popsicle.”
“Not if I don’t barbecue you first,” said Zuko, storming away from the ice wizard.

Meanwhile, at the finish line…
“And here comes Alice and Ash, looking like getting the first place,” said Don. “And…wait, what’s that?” As Don was talking, a blue hole appeared right in front of the finish line, and Chell and Artemis fell through it. Chell leaned forward while still in the air, and managed to land over the finish line, Artemis in hand. “Okay, I guess the mute and the boy genius win.”
“Actually, the boy genius would be Jimmy Neutron,” said Artemis. “I’m more like the boy mastermind.”
“Whatever kid, you and Silent but Deadly won,” said Don. “Here’s your prize.” Don reached into his pocket and gave Artemis a bunch of crumpled up papers.
“These just say ‘Skip’ on them,” said Artemis. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll find out in the next episode,” said Don. “Now, who else is here?”
“Me and Ash,” said Alice. “As well as all those guys.” Alice waved her hand and the large group of contestants who had now finished.
“Kieran got bored of writing this chapter,” said Patrick.
“The questions is, who’s not back yet?” asked Raven.
“Let’s see…” started Hit-Girl. “Draco and Tiffany aren’t back yet.”
“Neither are Gray and Saeko,” said Bart.
“Hold on, that only accounts for twenty three teams,” said Rogue.
“So, where are…” started Jake, who was cut off as the camera cut to the two named teams running towards the finish line.

“We’re nearly there,” called Gray. “We must be the last two teams.”
“And too bad for you, you’ll be the LAST of those two,” said Draco, pulling ahead of the other two.
“Draco, bragging like that will be what costs us the win,” said Tiffany.
“Oh, come on. What could happen…” started Draco, as he suddenly tripped over a tree root, dropping the piece of treasure.
“I knew if we waited long enough someone would trip over that,” said Wallace, picking it up. “Come on Haruhi.”
“I refuse to believe that worked,” said Haruhi, following Wallace across the finish line.
“NO!” yelled Draco, then saw Gray and Saeko closing in on the finish line. Draco noticed Saeko was the one carrying the treasure. “I can fix this,” said Draco, pulling out his wand and pointing it at Saeko. “ACCIO!”
Gray saw Draco casting the spell, and immediately ran to Saeko’s aid. “NOO!” he cried, knocking Saeko down and taking the blow from the spell for himself. Something flew off Gray, but he was unhurt. “Come on,” said Gray, gathering Saeko up and carrying her across the finish line.
“DAMNIT!” screamed Draco, bashing his hands into the ground. One of his fists struck something that didn’t feel like dirt, and for the first time he actually saw what he stole off Gray. “Eww…”
“Yeah, Gray? You mind putting your pants back on?” asked Don.
“Nah, I just want Draco to bask in the glory of my junk,” said Gray. “Bask in it, loser.”
“Fuck off,” said Draco, throwing Gray’s pants at the ice wizard.
“Guess we’re gone then?” asked Tiffany.
“I’m afraid so,” said Don, as the Lame-o-sine pulled up next to them. “To be fair though, you’ve already won once, so…”
“Not on Ao3 I haven’t,” said Tiffany. “But I guess I shouldn’t be too greedy.”
“But…but…I haven’t won yet,” said Draco. “You mean to tell me I don’t get to win because she already did?”
“Not my problem,” said Don, opening the door of the Lame-o-sine. “Now, you two need to go, while we try and find some replacement blood for Kouta.”
“He’s Type AB, so it doesn’t matter who does it,” said Lyra.
“Well in that case, I may as well do it,” said Sabriel, rolling up her sleeve.
“Excellent,” said Don, knocking on the roof of the Lame-o-sine as soon as Draco and Tiffany were in. “Who’s time on this show is about to be up? Find out not next time, but the time after that, on Total Drama Couples. Because we’re doing Aftermath again. Because Kieran wants to include Ridonculous Race characters. Well, see you eventually.”

Chapter Text

Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants playing.
Carly and Kevin
“Okay, good trap. Now, how do I get down from here?” “Good question.”
Ponyboy and Rachel
“Why do I have to do the fighting?” “Because you said you’ve been in street fights before.”
Draco and Tiffany
“Draco, bragging like that will be what costs us the win.” “Oh, come on. What could happen…”
Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage.

“Wow, what’s up dudes?” said Geoff. “I’m Geoff, this is Bridgette, and welcome to Total Drama Couples Aftermath.”
“It’s hard to believe this is the first time in nearly three years that we’ve been used in one of Kieran’s fics,” said Bridgette. “That is forever in Internet time.”
“Gotta hand it to him, the dude’s dedicated to his miniscule fanbase,” said Geoff. “A miniscule fanbase who probably expect some big things this season.”
“That’s right Geoff,” said Bridgette. “Not only do we have all your favourite segments like That’s Gonna Leave A Mark, and Truth or…whatever we’ve got this time, but as always we’ve got our Peanut Gallery of all your favourite former Total Drama cast members.”
“Even from Total Drama Daycare?” asked Geoff, getting a laugh out of the audience.
“I said FORMER, Geoff,” said Bridgette. “Daycare doesn’t even have a release date yet. Plus, Jude’s the only confirmed new character from that, and Kieran hasn’t seen 6teen yet, so I highly doubt he’ll be using him.”
“Oh, right,” said Geoff, before whispering into an earpiece. “Someone tell Jude his services will not be required.”

“Anyway, let’s bring out this week’s Peanut Gallery,” said Bridgette. “Introducing, Beth.” Beth walked out onstage, waving to everyone as she sat down.
“Dave,” said Geoff. Dave walked onstage, accidentally brushing a hand by his hair and knocking off the wig he was wearing, before quickly putting it back on and sitting down.
“Devin,” said Bridgette. Devin is wheeled onstage by a doctor, who places Devin in the seating area. Despite how carefully the doctor did this, Devin still let out a little yelp of pain. The doctor shrugged it off and left.
“Jen,” said Geoff. Jen walked onstage and sat down, taking care not to crease her skirt.
“Leonard,” said Bridgette. There was a large puff of smoke onstage in front of the seating area, then Leonard ran onstage from the side and sat down, trying to pretend he’d been there the whole time.
“Leshawna,” said Geoff. Leshawna dances her way onstage, much to the displeasure of many, before taking her seat.
“Owen,” said Bridgette. Owen walked onstage, a huge pile of food still in his hands, which he continued to eat as he sat down. Jen, who was sitting next to him, moved over so he wouldn’t get crumbs all over her clothes.
“Pete,” said Geoff. Pete walked onstage and sat down. As he did so, there was a loud cracking sound, and Pete starting rubbing his back.
“Samey,” said Bridgette.
“It’s Sammy,” called Samey from backstage.
“Oh, sorry, Sammy,” said Bridgette. “It’s just that Total Drama Wiki calls you that, and that’s what you were called all through Pahkitew Island, and…”
“It’s okay,” said Samey, walking onstage and taking her seat. “Amy did kind of ruin that for me, that bi…” Samey cut herself off all of a sudden. “Wait, can I say that on this show?”
“I think Kieran gave up censoring himself,” said Bridgette.
“Sweet,” said Samey. “Amy, you’re a bitch.”

Meanwhile, at home…
“You wait until I’m on the show,” said Amy, rubbing her hands together with evil intent.

“Sky’s here too,” said Geoff once Bridgette and Samey had settled down. Sky cartwheeled onstage, before backflipping onto the seating area, landing perfectly.
“Taylor,” said Bridgette. Taylor walked onstage, talking on her cellphone, completely ignoring everyone and everything around her.
“And finally, Topher,” said Geoff. Topher walked onstage, a depressed look on his face and wearing a black armband. “Dude, why the long face?”
“Because someone very dear to me is dead,” said Topher, wiping away a tear.
“Aww, I’m sorry to hear that,” said Bridgette. “Are you gonna be okay?”
“I think so,” said Topher. “It’s just that, after Chris died, I’ve been…”
“Wait wait wait,” said Geoff. “You’re sad about CHRIS’S death?” asked Geoff. “Chris McLean, the guy who horribly tortured and tried to kill so many contestants?”
“Yeah, so?” asked Topher. “He was a great man, even if he did some nasty things occasionally.”
“OCCASIONALLY?!” snapped Bridgette. “The only reason we didn’t say anything bad about him for the first two seasons of this fic is because he paid us off. And apparently him and Chef were planning on continuing doing this forever.”
“Speaking of which, where is Chef?” asked Sky. “Have the authorities caught up with him yet?”
“Unfortunately, no,” said Geoff. “They thought they found him in Colorado hiding in Kenny’s hometown, but that turned out to be a dead end. Dead being the key word there.”

“Geoff, don’t joke about that,” said Bridgette. “One of our first two guests actually did die.”
“And the other one got them kicked out,” said Geoff. “Please welcome Carly and Kevin.” Carly and Kevin walked onstage and sat down. “What’s up dudes?”
“Dudes? What is this, the 90’s?” asked Carly.
“I always knew surfers were behind the times,” said Jen. “Just look at those clothes.”
“What’s wrong with my clothes?” asked Geoff.
“If you don’t know, you’re more out of it than I thought,” said Jen. “And the rest of you aren’t much better.”
“Sister, you got a lot of explaining to do,” said Leshawna, rolling up her sleeves.
“Oh please, do you think I’m scared of someone wearing mangos on her shirt,” said Jen, turning around to face Leshawna. “You also really need to lose a couple of pou…” Before she could finish that sentence, Leshawna punched Jen in the face, knocking her out.
“Sorry guys, please continue,” said Leshawna politely, as if nothing happened.
“That was awesome,” said Kevin.
“You know what else would be awesome? Not being eliminated first,” said Carly.
“I said I was sorry,” said Kevin.
“Wow, you’re still not over that?” asked Bridgette.
“Look, I knew I wasn’t going to win,” said Carly. “But getting kicked out first? That’s just insulting.”
“Yeah, it gets hard to win when your competition contains future seeing vampires, web slinging mutants, super intelligent demigods, and someone who travels between life and death without a second thought,” said Devin.
“Was that last one about Sabriel or Kenny?” asked Dave.
“Yes,” said Devin.
“Damn it, walked into that one,” muttered Dave.
“Hey, maybe if the author had some talent, he could have actually come up with something better for you two to do in this series other than lose,” said Pete, laughing at his own joke.
“Can we just go to the call from home now?” asked Kevin.
“Sorry kiddo, we’re not doing those anymore,” said Geoff. “This season’s already set to have so many characters that Kieran just can’t be bothered adding any more.”
“So do you have anything instead of that?” asked Carly.
“How about Truth or Wasabi?” asked Geoff.

An animation plays for Truth or Wasabi, which ends with the letters getting splattered with wasabi then catching on fire.
“Okay, you know how it works by now,” said Geoff. “Tell the truth, you’re fine. Tell a lie…well, you can see the catapult.” Two interns wheeled out a catapult loaded with wasabi.
“Oh boy,” said Owen. “Don’t mind if I…”
“No Owen, not for you,” said Geoff, holding Owen back from the catapult.
“Aww, man,” said Owen, dejectedly taking his seat again. “Can I have what’s left over?”
“Sure thing,” said Geoff. “But, uh, I’m not sure there’ll be much left, since we’ll be flinging it at them.”
“No problem,” said Owen. “Floor wasabi is better anyway.”
“There’s a story behind that that I think we’ll be much happier not knowing,” said Sky.
“Can you people be quiet?” asked Taylor. “I’m trying to get my own spin-off from this series, and it’s hard enough when I’m not getting much screen time. By the way, when are we going to air?”
“We’re already on air,” said Bridgette. “We’ve been on air for about ten minutes.”
“WHAT?!” snapped Taylor. “Everyone shut up and move, I have to demonstrate my skills.” Taylor jumped up from the couch, only to run straight into the wasabi catapult. The catapult launched its load straight into Taylor, sending her flying into a wall just offstage.
“OH MY GOD!” yelled Taylor.
“Is it that hot?” asked Beth.
“No, this is a $200 Chanel dress,” said Taylor. “…wait, yeah, now it’s burning.”
“Can I eat it now?” asked Owen. “Because here comes Owen.” Owen ran offstage towards where Taylor disappeared.
“Owen, what are you…” started Taylor, then she started screaming in horror as sounds of something slurping from just offstage were heard. Everyone recoiled at the sounds that were coming from there, until they stopped and Owen came back out.
“Ah, that was delicious,” said Owen, followed by a burp. As he burped, Taylor’s dress came out of his mouth.
“Owen, did you just…eat her?” asked Bridgette, unsure whether she wanted an answer.
“Hey, I need something to wear now,” said Taylor, popping her head out from behind a curtain, hands over her bare chest.
“Oh, sorry, here you go,” said Owen, holding out her dress, still dripping in his saliva.
“Umm…that’s okay, you keep it,” said Taylor, who retreated backstage.
“Aw, sweet. I wonder if Izzy will like it,” said Owen, returning to his seat.

“Err…” Bridgette looked over at Geoff, slightly confused and disgusted at what had just happened. “Should…should we go to the next guests?”
“Yes, please,” said Geoff. “One of them thought they were hot stuff because they won a challenge, the other knew better. Please welcome Ponyboy and Rachel.” Ponyboy and Rachel walked onstage and sat down next to Carley and Kevin.
“So guys, you had such an advantage during that challenge,” said Bridgette. “What went wrong?”
“Ponyboy didn’t fight back when he had the chance,” said Rachel immediately. “That’s what went wrong.”
“Actually, I did,” said Ponyboy. “Unfortunately, I ended up hitting the girl who absorbs electricity.”
“And you didn’t think to fight back against her?” asked Rachel.
“She’s small, but she still looks like she could bench-press five of her,” said Ponyboy.
“Yeah, this series of way too full of overpowered characters,” said Geoff. “And yet, the finalists for season one didn’t have any powers at all. In fact, one was a ten year old kid.”
“It’s weird how that works,” said Rachel. “Meanwhile, legitimately talented people like me get booted early.”
“Don’t you have a Broadway show you’re supposed to be doing?” asked Ponyboy.
“Don’t worry,” said Rachel, looking at her watch. “That doesn’t start for another…SIX MINUTES AGO! I have to go.” Without another word, Rachel sprinted out of the room.
“Well, that happened,” said Bridgette. “Let’s go to That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.”

Animation plays for That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.
In the first shot, Kenny was walking through the maze, when suddenly a wall falls down on top of him. Louise and Timmy, upon discovering him, work together to throw him as far away from them as possible.
In the second shot, Patrick tried sneaking up on Alice with his Taser. Alice, upon realising what was about to happen, ducked out of the way. Unfortunately, Ash was standing behind where Alice had been.
In the final shot, Wallace had just walked past a tree root, then stopped. “Hey Haruhi,” said Wallace.
“What?” asked Haruhi, still walking towards him. Suddenly, Haruhi tripped over the tree root Wallace had noticed.
“HA! If you, one of the smartest people here, fell for that, then it’s only a matter of time before someone else does,” said Wallace.
“That’s not going to…” started Haruhi, but by then Wallace had already dragged her behind a bush.

Back in the studio, the TV showing these clips went back into the ceiling.
“Somehow, that short clip of Wallace feels like the most Wallace thing Wallace has done in the four seasons he’s competed in,” said Bridgette.
“That is a weird thought,” said Geoff. “Wallace is the only person to have competed in the four proper seasons of this show. The laziest one has been in the most seasons.”
“That is weird,” said Bridgette. “But no time to dwell on that, we need to bring out our last two guests.”
“That’s right Bridgette,” said Geoff. “He admired her for her wandless magic, but hated her philosophy on winning, or lack thereof. Please welcome Draco and Tiffany.” Draco and Tiffany walked out onstage.
“So Draco, how does it feel having cost your team the win?” asked Geoff.
“That wasn’t my fault,” said Draco. “She’s the one who stood there doing nothing as half the other teams got the treasure.”
“Don’t try to flip this around on me,” said Tiffany. “That Accio charm was what gave you three broken ribs.”
“I have three broken ribs?” asked Draco. Suddenly, there was a loud cracking sound, and Draco doubled over screaming in pain.
“Oh, right, I made him forget about those, didn’t I?” said Tiffany. “Oh well, can’t be helped now.”
“How did you do that?” asked Geoff.
“Oh, that was nothing,” said Tiffany. “One time Granny Weatherwax caught a sword blade in her hand, and her skin didn’t even break until she got home and laid out her medical equipment to treat to wound.” Tiffany sighed in disappointment. “I miss her.”
“Would…you mind…helping me?” asked Draco, between groans of pain.
“Hmm…I suppose I should,” said Tiffany, leaning down next to him. The camera cut away from them at that point, but the facial reactions of Geoff and Bridgette, as well as the agonising screams of Draco, said everything that needed to be said about Tiffany’s treatments. “Oh, stop being such a baby,” she said, as a sickening crunch sound was heard.
“Madam Pomfrey would be much gentler,” whined Draco.
“Then she’s probably not doing it right,” said Tiffany.
“Well, that’s all we have time for. See you next time,” said Bridgette quickly, as Draco let out another scream of pain.

Meanwhile, on a dark country road, a large figure was making his way somewhere. In the distance, police sirens could be heard. He walked past a streetlight, revealing himself to be Chef Hatchet. “They really think they can stop me?” he said to himself, and laughed to himself as he kept moving.

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of the camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “Light told his teammates of his secret weapon: a Shinigami named Ryuk who helps them if they have apples. This sadly cost them in their challenge, where they had to collect treasure from a high ledge. Alice and Ash looked like they were about to win, but Artemis and Chell managed to sneak away with the win at the last second. Speaking of winning at the last second, Draco and Tiffany lost when Draco couldn’t hold his treasure, allowing Wallace and Haruhi to take their treasure and survive another week. Wait, should they be disqualified for not actually doing the challenge properly? Eh, whatever.” The scene cuts back to Don. “Who will be thrown out next? Find out now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Listen, Chell,” said Artemis. “I get that you’re quiet. You might not even be able to talk. I don’t have a problem with that. But we do have to find a way to communicate with each other, otherwise we won’t be able to effectively compete in the competition. Do you understand?”
Chell stared at him for a moment, then jumped on the spot.
“From what you’ve demonstrated so far, that seems to be your way of saying yes,” said Artemis. “If so, can you confirm by jumping again?”
Chell again jumped on the spot.
“Excellent,” said Artemis. “Now, how about we make ‘no’ two jumps. Sound good?”
Chell jumped up on the spot again.
“Okay, now…” started Artemis, as some of the others came up to them.
“Hey Arty, whatcha doing?” asked Nora.
“I’m working on getting Chell’s communication skills,” said Artemis.
“Pfft, she’s probably got some kind of brain damage or something,” said Nora.
Chell glared at Nora, before firing her portal gun at Nora’s feet and at the top of the tallest nearby tree, Nora fell through the ground, before falling from the sky and hitting the ground.
“Sorry, but I think Chell has a bit of a short fuse,” said Artemis.
“I said short fuse, and I was very clearly talking about Chell,” said Artemis calmly. Edward still looked angry for a moment, then looked confused.

Confession Cam: Artemis
“I’ve body studying up on many of my competitors. I know how to beat most of them, or at the very least stun them. Of course I’m still friends with many of them, but this is a competition. No time to be too friendly.”

“Alright contestants, to the Mess Hall for today’s challenge,” said Don over the loudspeakers.
“What, no breakfast?” asked Bart.
“Possibly wants to make things harder,” said Hit-Girl. “You’re not going to back out because of it, are you?”
“No way man,” said Bart. “I’d just prefer to eat something before the challenge starts.”
“Maybe there’s food as a part of the challenge?” suggested Marty.
“Hopefully something sweet,” said Blossom, floating off towards the Mess Hall.
“Like, I could really go for some grub,” said Shaggy.
“I know. I’d eat dog food at this point,” said Noodle.
“Dog food’s not that bad,” said Shaggy, earning him a strange look from Noodle.

Kouta and Lyra were the first to reach the Mess Hall, and were surprised to see a giant curtain hiding most of the room. “I take this means no breakfast?” asked Lyra.
“Correction: your challenge is breakfast,” said Don, coming out from behind the curtain.
“Oh goodie, an eating challenge,” said Kouta. “When was the last time you did something like that?”
“Have we done an eating challenge?” asked Annabeth, who’d just arrived. “We’ve barely even had any food challenges, and most of them didn’t involve eating.”
“It’s free food. Who cares?” asked Peter, as more people entered the building.
“Welcome everyone,” said Don. “As you can see, behind me is a giant curtain.”
“Well duh,” said Zuko. “We’re not Toph.” Elsa hit him for that.
“As I was saying,” continued Don. “This curtain was to hide…”
“Lots of plates of food from countries all around the world,” finished Alice.
“HEY! Explaining the challenge is my job. Keep your powers to yourself young lady,” said Don.
“I’m over a hundred years old. YOU’RE the young one,” said Alice.
Don sighed in frustration. “Fine, whatever,” he said. “Here’s the challenge.” He opened the curtain, revealing a large world map, with dishes placed on the different countries.
“Wow, how many countries have you got there?” asked Stifler.
“We picked out one hundred countries for…” started Don, before getting interrupted.
“If you picked a hundred, why does the title of this chapter say eighty?” asked Arya.
“Because Kieran wanted to reference the Jules Verne book?” suggested Marty.
“Huh, didn’t expect you to know much about classic literature,” said Timmy.
“I know a guy who loves his work,” said Marty.

“Why is Ethiopia an option? Do they even have food there?” asked Louise.
“I was gonna ask the same thing about North Korea,” said Jake. Rogue glared at him for a moment, then took off her glove and tapped him on the forehead. Jake collapsed in a heap on the floor.
“So, your challenge today,” continued Don. “You have one hour to eat as many of these dishes as possible. Be warned though, once you pick a dish, you must eat it, or lose a point. Unless of course, you’re either Artemis or Chell. You guys still have those papers?”
“Right here,” said Artemis, holding up a bunch of crumpled up pieces of paper.
“Those skips will allow you to dismiss a dish with no consequences,” explained Don. “There’s no bonus for using them either, and you only have five, so use them wisely.”
“So, how much do we have to eat?” asked Trunks. “And do we both have to eat it?”
“You will need to clean your plate,” said Don. “However, only one of you needs to eat the dish. As long as it’s eaten, you get a point.”
“It would probably be more advantageous to share the load,” said Murtagh.
“Hey, don’t look at me,” said Kim. “I have to be in shape if I’m going to be a crime fighting cheerleader.”
“I could eat some of it,” suggested Thorn, his thoughts projecting into everyone’s minds.
“Sure thing,” said Don. “Just squeeze your way in here, and…” Before he could finish, the building began shaking violently. “THAT WAS SARCASM! STOP BEFORE YOU CRUSH US ALL!”
“How did you decide on which food to use?” asked Dorothy.
“We used the first thing to come up on Google,” said Don.
“The author’s note begs to differ,” said Eren.
“Though it would explain why New Zealand has pavlova, even though it was created in Australia,” said Light.
“That’s as debatable as Russell Crowe, Crowded House, and Phar Lap,” said Don. “Also, stop peeking. The challenge hasn’t started yet.”
“Yeah Light,” said Kathryn. “We don’t have to cheat to win this.”
“You really think you’re going to win?” asked Ash. “I choose you, Snorla…”
“No Ash, no Pokémon allowed,” said Don, grabbing Ash’s hand so he couldn’t bring out the Sleeping Pokémon. “Anyway, if there are no more questions, let the challenge begin.”

“Okay Saeko, let’s start with Canada,” said Gray, lifting the lid off the Canadian dish. “Sweet, meatballs.” Gray picked one up and was about to take a bite out of it, when Saeko stopped him.
“Wait a moment Gray,” said Saeko, turning to face Don. “These are Rocky Mountain Oysters, aren’t they?”
“Of course they are,” said Don. “Why wouldn’t they be?”
“They look like regular beef meatballs. How can they be oysters?” asked Gray.
“They’re bull testicles,” said Saeko bluntly.
“Oh…” said Gray. “Well in that case…” Without another word, Gray started eating the ‘oysters’.
“I just told you what those are,” said Saeko.
“I know, but we already chose it,” said Gray. “Plus I’m sure they’re cooked enough to get rid of any stray…’juice’, if you know what I…”
“Stop. Just…stop,” said Saeko, taking a bite out of one of them.

“I say we see what Kieran chose from his own country,” said Patrick, taking the plate from Australia. He lifted the lid to see what was there. “Of course he chose witchetty grubs.”
“Are…are they still alive?” asked Raven.
“Hey, you’ve got psychic powers. You can cook them if you want,” said Patrick, throwing a couple in his mouth.
“You seem awfully calm about eating those,” said Raven.
“Do you know where my actor is from?” asked Patrick. “Honestly, I should have guessed this is what would be here.”

“Let’s see what the South Koreans eat,” suggested Blossom, dragging Marty to the respective table and taking the dish. “EWW! Is…is that live worms?”
“Actually,” said Don. “It’s live baby octopus.”
“WHAT THE FUCK?!” yelled Marty.
“Look at it this way,” said Don. “This is the freshest calamari you’ll ever have.”
“Consider yourselves lucky,” said Max from the Philippines table. “We ended up with Balut.”
“What’s Balut?” asked Marty. Max held up an egg that had been cracked open, and soon Marty regretted asking that question. “Is…is that a…?”
“Yep,” said Max, putting it down. “It’s almost cannibalism for me to eat it. Zidane, if you could…”
“I try not to ignore the cries of a woman in distress,” said Zidane. “But it’s very tempting right now.”

“Chell, we can’t keep rejecting dishes,” said Artemis. “You’ve already rejected haggis, escargot, surströmming, and hakarl. And while it was probably a good call for some of them, we now only have one skip left. So, we have to be careful what we use it on, okay?” Chell jumped once in response. “Okay. So, how about we go with the English dish?”
Chell jumped again, then took the lid off the platter.
“Well, looks like you two have found the full English breakfast,” said Don, casually walking past. “Do you want to pass on this one too, or will you actually eat it?”
“That depends,” said Artemis. “Have you done anything to it?”
“Arty, man,” said Don. “Can I call you Arty?”
“No,” replied Artemis.
“Cool,” said Don. “So Arty (Artemis glared at Don, but did nothing), have I given you any reason not to trust me?”
“I guess you’re right,” conceded Artemis. “It’s just that, after Chris, I think we all have some trust issues.”
“All good buddy,” said Don. “So, on to the next dish.”
“I haven’t eaten this dish yet,” said Artemis.
“Yeah, but…” started Don, then pointed at Chell, who was holding up the final pass card.
“NO! Chell…” started Artemis, but Don had already taken the card. “That was the first thing we got that looked edible…”

“Let’s see what Malaysia has,” said Gray, grabbing the platter. “Hmm, soup.”
“A Malaysian soup?” pondered Saeko, as Gray began eating it. “Say, that wouldn’t happen to be sup torpedo, would it?”
“It would,” said Don, who happened to be passing by.
“So what’s the deal with this?” asked Gray. “Other than the fact that it seems to have some kind of sausage in it.”
“Sausage is right,” said Saeko. “It roughly translates to bull penis soup.”
Gray, who was about to lift another spoonful of soup into his mouth, stopped where he was. “Jeez, how many bulls were neutered for the purposes of this chapter?” he asked, before continuing to eat.

“I know this is possibly risky, but let’s see what the Ugandans eat,” said Sabriel. “Do you know the way to…” Before she could finish that sentence, Kenny punched her. “Yeah, that meme is pretty cancerous.” Sabriel lifted up the lid on the platter, and immediately the meal started crawling away.
“Ah, you two are about to feast upon the live ants,” said Don. “Enjoy.”
“Mmmf mmf mmmf?” asked Kenny (at least, it seemed to be a question).
“Let’s just try to keep them down,” said Sabriel, picking up a couple and throwing them into her mouth. “You know, they don’t really have a taste,” he said, managing to swallow some. “They just move around a lot.”
Kenny shrugged his shoulders and picked one up. In protest, the ant bit him, and immediately his hand began swelling up. Kenny freaked out for a moment, then collapsed on the ground.
“Did he just die again?” asked Ayane, who was just passing by.
“Yep,” said Sabriel, still eating the ants.
“Are you gonna do anything about it?” asked Trunks.
“Once I finish these,” said Sabriel. “Otherwise they’ll just bite him again.”

“Jeez, I can’t believe Cambodians eat tarantulas,” said Finn. “Or that you ate them.”
“Finn, I come from a future where kids kill each other because the government tells them to,” said Katniss. “That was refreshingly non-horrifying in comparison. Honestly, I’m more impressed you ate the Chinese chicken feet.”
“They were really just floppy chicken fingers,” said Finn. “How many are we on now?”
“Seven,” said Katniss. “I haven’t seen any of the others move around that much, so I think we might be winning. Still, I think we should get one or two more, just in case.”
“Agreed,” said Finn, pulling up at another table. “Kaz…Kazaky…how’s this pronounced?”
“Kazakhstan,” said Don, carefully watching the two of them. “Would you like to try the dish we picked from them?”
“I don’t see why not,” said Katniss, who was slightly suspicious why Don was around for this dish, but shrugged it off. “What is it?”
Don flashed a wicked grin before lifting the lid off the platter. “Sausages?” asked Finn. “Well, okay.” Finn placed a couple on his plate, while Katniss grabbed a couple for herself. Finn took a big bite out of one of them. “So, what kind of meat is this?” he asked.
“Horse,” said Don, the suspicious-looking grin still on his face.
Katniss frowned, but kept eating. “I’m sure there’s something you’re not telling us,” she said, swallowing her food. “And I’m not sure I want to hear it.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you don’t want to hear that these are made of the horse’s rectum,” said Don. “Oops, did I say that out loud?”
“The…the horse’s…” started Katniss, her face turning a sickly green.
“I’ll let you two finish your meal now,” said Don, smirking as he strolled away.
“Of course he waits until we start to tell us that,” said Finn. “But now what do we do?”
“Well, I think we have a pretty commanding lead…” started Katniss, as someone nearby started cheering.
“That’s six dishes down,” said Faith. “Though I’m disappointed we got natto rather than sushi for Japan.”
“Don just wanted to see if we’d eat it,” said Gary. “So, let’s go for seven then.”

“We…we have to finish this,” said Katniss, spearing another sausage onto her fork.
“We can’t have much time left, right?” asked Finn. “Surely they only have time to tie it up?”
“By the way, if there’s a tie, the tie-breaker will be decided by who can eat the grossest dishes they haven’t already consumed,” called Don.
“Maybe they’ll pick something bad?” suggested Finn.
“Hey, the England one is just the full English breakfast,” said Faith, preparing to dig in.
“Damn, what are the odds?” asked Finn.
“Do you want to lose to them?” asked Katniss, closing her eyes as she took another bite out of the sausage.
Finn sighed. “I hate it when you’re right,” he said, starting to eat his next sausage.

“Okay guys, finish what you’re eating, and we’ll count up the winners,” said Don. “Though by the looks of it, very few of you managed more than two meals.”
“To be fair, you gave us all full sized meals to eat,” said Kouta. “Look at my partner. She can’t eat as much as me.”
“I did give some to Pan,” said Lyra.
“Why did you have to unload that stuff on me?” asked Pan, looking quite green despite being in dog form.
“But managing to down eight meals, we have Katniss and Finn,” said Don, lifting each of their arms up in triumph. In response, Finn threw up on Don’s shoes. “Come on man, was that really appropriate revenge for being forced to eat horse rectum?”
“I’m not sure he’s in any condition to answer,” said Zuko. “But if he was I’m pretty sure that would be a yes.”
“…I actually don’t have an argument for that,” said Don. “Now as for your reward, there’s no physical item, just an advantageous starting position.” Katniss and Finn groaned in what sounded like a reply. “Excellent. Now, as for who’s going home, that would be the only team that didn’t finish a dish.”
“But me and Blossom didn’t finish a…oh,” said Marty. “Blossom?”
“It was live octopus,” she said. “Would you have eaten it?”
“I did eat some,” said Marty. “And it was horrible. But I ate it.”
“Kids, please,” said Don. “Argue all you want in the Lame-o-sine, because you are out of here.” The Lame-o-sine pulled up outside the Mess Hall, and the eliminated contestants got in the back, Marty still glaring at Blossom. “Another team bites the dust. Who will go down next? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of the camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “Arty (“That’s not my name,” yelled Artemis in the distance) decided that he needed to be able to communicate with Chell, since she refuses to speak with him. Then we got into the day’s challenge: an eating contest, of all the grossest foods in the world. So why did we have a full English breakfast? Because England, that’s why. I’m a little bit disappointed no-one went for the Kool-Aid pickles, but hey, what can you do? Anyway, it came down to the wire, but Katniss and Finn managed to win by eating horse butt sausage. What the fuck is wrong with Kazakhstan? First mankinis, now that?” The camera cuts back to Don. “Who will make a splash, and who will flounder? Find out now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

Edward yawned as he got out of bed, and began walking out of the room to go to the bathroom. Except three steps from his bed, he suddenly fell into a lot of water. Edward quickly swam back to the surface, coughing and spluttering. “What the hell?” he asked, climbing back onto the board his and Nora’s beds were sitting on.
“What’s wrong Ed?” asked Nora, who was just waking up. Suddenly, she noticed where they were, the other teams bobbing around in the water around them. “When did we get here?”
“I’m going to guess this is something to do with the challenge,” said Edward, trying to dry himself off. “Do they have any idea how hard it is to keep automail from rusting?”

“Hello contestants,” said Don, pulling up in front of them on a speedboat. “As you have probably figured out, we are currently in the middle of the ocean.”
“No, really?” said Max sarcastically. “I just assumed the camp flooded.”
“Well, your challenge is to find your way back to camp,” said Don. “You guys are ten miles out to sea, while Katniss and Finn are only eight miles out, because they won the last challenge.”
“Sounds easy enough,” said Light. “But which way is land?”
“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” said Don. “Keep in mind, several of you can fly, or have something that can fly. In fact, most of you have some kind of superpower. Use it, and then the ones who don’t have anything like that can follow you.”
“Don, I’m disappointed in you,” said Zidane. “A challenge involving water, and the girls don’t have to wear swimsuits?” Max glared at him, then punched him off their raft.
“I hear you brother,” said Kouta from a nearby raft. Max casually flew over to his and Lyra’s raft, and punched him off that raft as well.
“Careful Max,” said Don. “Kouta’s only a normal human. He breaks more easily than Zidane.”
“I’m sure he’s…” started Max, before noticing a small pool of red floating to the surface. Max sighed, then jumped into the water after him. She soon returned to the surface with him and laid him down on his raft. “You may need to do most of the work yourself Lyra.”
“It’s okay,” said Lyra. “Pan, what’s the biggest water animal you can become?”
“Will this do?” asked Pan, jumping into the water, then emerging (with Lyra’s raft on his head) as a blue whale.
“So is that everything we need to…” started Jake, when he noticed something. “What was that?”
“Oh, should have mentioned,” said Don. “There are sharks out here. And Kouta may have just told them where you are, thanks to Max.”
“He was being a pervert,” said Max, helping give Kouta a blood transfusion.
“So, you guys may want to get a move on,” said Don. “Otherwise…” As he was speaking, a shark surfaced and started swimming straight at Patrick and Raven’s raft. “I think you get the picture.”
“Don’t worry Patrick, I’ve got…” started Raven, as Patrick casually walked up to the edge of the raft and stared straight at the shark. The shark stopped where it was, and U-turned out of there. “What?”
“People find me intimidating,” said Patrick. “Don’t know why.”
“Whatever, I’m going to fly up there, and see if I can see land from here,” said Raven, flying up.

“I’ll keep the sharks away,” said Alice. “You got anything to help find land?”
“A few things,” said Ash, grabbing out four Pokéballs. “I choose you, Charizard, Staraptor, Unfeazant, and Talonflame.” The four Pokémon appeared before him, ready for instructions. “We’re ten miles out at sea. Each of you choose a direction and see if you can find land.” Ash’s Pokémon each nodded, and flew into the sky.
“Thorn? You think you can do the same?” asked Murtagh.
“Of course,” said Thorn, rising from the depths with a shark in his mouth. He swallowed it whole, and took off into the sky.
“And we’re supposed to just sit here and let the sharks come at us?” asked Kim.
“Watch and learn,” said Murtagh, spotting a shark swimming towards them. “DEYJA!” The shark lost momentum, and came to a stop right in front of their raft.
“Well, I guess you can do that then,” said Kim. “But I can do this.” Just as a shark was about to bite their raft, Kim punched the thing right in the nose. The shark whimpered in pain and swam away.
“That works too,” said Murtagh, looking out for another sharks.

“Well, we’re in trouble,” said Haruhi. “Neither of us has any kind of superpower, nor are we physically strong enough to row a raft ten miles in whatever direction we’re supposed to go, at least not fast enough to beat any of the other teams.”
“It’s okay Haruhi,” called Annabeth from another raft, pulling up beside Haruhi and Wallace’s raft. “Peter and I will help you out.”
“I thought we dissolved the alliance?” asked Wallace, confused at the suggestion.
“Eh, whatever,” said Peter. “I prefer my friends to all be on the same side. You ever seen a dozen superpowered beings in an all-out brawl? It’s not pretty, and it delayed a lot of flights at the airport we were fighting at.”
“I’m sure this fic has already had an all-out brawl at some point at some point,” said Annabeth. “Or if not, it’s gonna have to happen at some point. But for now, Peter?”
“On it,” said Peter, who started using his webs to pull the two rafts together.

“Look at them,” said Kathryn, scowling with disdain. “They’re so…buddy-buddy.”
“That would be because of Haruhi and Annabeth,” said Light, watching them with interest. “The two of them may be the smartest ones here, aside from myself and maybe Artemis.”
“Ooh, look at you, mister smart guy,” mocked Faith. “Little full of yourself, aren’t you?”
“It’s wise to know your strengths, especially when you’re in competition,” said Light. “In any case, they can’t be allowed to keep that alliance.”
“Adding it to the list,” said Gary. “Sabriel is still our primary target though, right? Because she knows about Ryuk?”
“Yes,” said Light. “But be warned, Alice may already know what we’re planning, or at least part of it.”
“Well, I got just the thing for getting Sabriel out of the competition,” said Faith, pulling out one of her stakes.
“Faith, what are you…” started Light. Before he could finish, Faith threw her stake at Kenny. The stake fell end over end until it stuck itself in his back. Kenny gasped in shock, then collapsed. Blood from the wound started dripping into the water.
“HEY!” yelled Sabriel. “You killed Kenny you bastards.”
“Oops, my finger slipped,” said Faith, clearly unapologetically. “Guess you’ll have to bring him back now, unless you want to be disqualified.”
Sabriel glared at them, before erecting a shield around herself and Kenny, then freezing up as she went into Death. Sharks that smelled the blood dripping into the water tried to attack their raft, but couldn’t get past the shield.
“Very good Faith,” said Light. “But you realise that if Sabriel makes it through this, she’ll want revenge right?”
“Oh come on, it’s just a little murder,” said Faith. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Confession Cam: Light
“She says murder like it’s as easy as writing someone’s na…oh, wait.”

“I’ll get us back,” said Eren, jumping into the water. “Just need to turn titan, and…”
“Won’t the blood from your hand wound make the sharks…” started Dorothy, as Eren but into his hand and transformed into his titan form.
Sure enough, the blood attracted several sharks as Eren started swimming with the raft. Eren used one arm to try and fight them off, but still the sharks latched onto him, biting his feet and chest, spilling more blood into the water. The titan roared in pain, as more sharks began biting him all over.
“This won’t end well for us, will it?” asked Dorothy.

“I’m not sure if we’re going the right way,” said Katniss.
“What makes you say that?” asked Finn.
“Hey guys,” called Zuko as he and Elsa passed them going the other way.
“You might want to turn around,” said Elsa as they sailed away.
“How long have we been travelling this way?” asked Katniss.
“About a mile,” said Finn.
“Son of a bitch,” Katniss sighed under her breath. “Well, there goes our advantage. Let’s get this thing turned around.”
“Look on the bright side,” said Finn, helping turn their boat around. “There aren’t that many of the teams around right now, so we probably won’t come last.”
“You know, I can’t see Ayane and Trunks anywhere,” said Katniss. “This seems like the sort of challenge they’d excel at.”

“Trunks, what are you doing?” asked Ayane impatiently. “We’re losing. No-one else is even close to us now. You better have a damn good plan for catching up.”
“I do,” said Trunks, coming out of a very focused state. “You may want to hold on to something.”
“Why? What are you…” started Ayane, as Trunks jumped into the water and started pushing their raft at breakneck speeds. Ayane barely had time to grab hold of the edge of the raft as everything else on it flew off. “How do you know we’re going in the right direction?”
“I was scouting for Katniss and Finn’s power levels,” said Trunks. “I was also looking for Don’s, but since his is much smaller than theirs, I figured I would have better luck finding theirs.”
“So, how does that work exactly?” asked Ayane. “Is it something I can learn?”
“It’s just something I inherited from my dad,” said Trunks. “In fact, most of my friends could do it. I have something that can help you learn how to do it when we get back.”
“I’d be very interested,” said Ayane. “I have a sister to find.”
“Are we still doing that?” asked Trunks. “I thought Kieran would have given it up after Season 1.”
“Never mind that now, we just caught up to everyone,” said Ayane, as the two of them starting charging through the middle of all the other competitors.
“Hey Katniss, you know what you were saying about Ayane and Trunks?” asked Finn, watching the ninja and saiyan duo charge past them.
“I see them. Keep rowing,” said Katniss, trying to keep up with everyone else.

Meanwhile, at the finish line…
“And here comes first place,” said Don, watching Ayane and Trunks charging straight at him. “They’re gonna slow down, right?”
“Might be a good idea to move,” said a cameraman, diving to the side as the winning pair flew onto the beach, throwing up most of the sand in the process.
“I think we won,” said Trunks, casually dropping to the ground.
“Next time, I drive,” said Ayane.
“Next time, I’ll rethink whether I give you the winner’s bonus,” said Don, unburying himself from the sand. “But, I am obliged to give it to you. This time, at least.”
“Oh, come on, it’s not that bad,” said Trunks. “Normally, I’d end up creating a big crater.”
“Please don’t do that,” said Don, handing a box to Ayane. “Just take your prize and go.”
Ayane opened the box and pulled out two optical answer sheets, with several of the ovals already filled in. “We’re doing a trivia challenge next?”
“Hey, we want a variety of challenges for this season,” said Don. “So, we might as well do one.”
“Well guys, don’t expect much next episode,” said Trunks, putting the prize back into the box.

“Now, back to the challenge,” said Don. “And would you look at that, most of the other contestants are arriving right now.”
“I think he wants to get back to that Kids Next Door fic,” said Rogue, as she and Jake pulled up on the beach.
“That jerk. We were here first,” said Saeko. “Also, Gray, where are your pants?”
“About three miles back that way,” said Gray, strutting onto the beach in his birthday suit.
“Well, go get them,” said Saeko. Gray sighed, then started walking back out to sea, freezing the water as he went in order to get there faster.
“YEE-HAW!” came a cry, and everyone dived out of the way as Timmy and Louise jumped their speedboat onto the beach.
“That was AWESOME!” yelled Louise. “Can we do it again?”
“How’d you get that in the first place?” asked Stifler, staring in amazement.
“Yeah, everyone else had a wooden raft,” said Arya, glaring at the two suspiciously.
“Err…Internet?” said Timmy.
“Seems legit,” said Bart, shrugging his shoulders.
“But where did you get a reliable Internet connection in the middle of the ocean?” asked Artemis.
“And if you somehow managed to get that, how’d they know where to deliver it to?” asked Hit-Girl. “And at such short notice?”
The other contestants looked down at Timmy, waiting for an explanation. “Err…hey, look, the last two teams are almost here,” said Timmy, pointing out at the water. The other contestants turned around to see the final two teams approaching the beach, as Timmy sighed with relief.

Confession Cam: Timmy
“That was a close one. Maybe I should make less obvious wishes if I want to win this.” All of a sudden, a small woman with pink hair appeared next to him.
“I told you it was a bad idea,” said Wanda. “But no, you HAD to listen to Cosmo.” At that moment, a small man with green hair appeared.
“It seemed like a cool idea at the time,” said Cosmo.
“Guys, we’re on camera,” said Timmy, pointing to the camera on the wall.
“Not for long,” said Cosmo, raising his wand. Suddenly, the feed cut out.

“Sorry we’re late guys,” said Noodle as she and Shaggy pulled up on the beach. “But someone…” She glared at Shaggy at that word. “…wanted to go through the drive-thru.”
“Hey, like, we hadn’t even had breakfast yet,” said Shaggy, finishing off a sandwich.
“Where’d you even get that?” asked Don.
“Never mind that, I suppose we’re out,” said Noodle, resigned to their defeat.
“Actually…” said Don, pointing behind them to a raft that was leaving a huge trail of blood behind it.
“Why…won’t…these…guys…leave…us…alone?” asked Eren between gasps for air, his titan form reduced to barely more than a head and an arm, with sharks still biting off more as they went.
“It doesn’t matter Eren,” said Dorothy. “It looks like we’re the last ones here.”
“I’m sorry to say that is correct,” said Don. “Dorothy, Eren, your Lame-o-sine awaits.” The Lame-o-sine pulled up on the sand next to them, and they climbed into the back. Once the door was closed, the car tried to leave, but couldn’t get a grip on the sand. “It’s stuck. Anyone think they can help?”
Chell stepped forward, and opened a portal just under the car, and another one on the side of a tree. The Lame-o-sine fell through the portal and landed perfectly on the road, before driving off with the eliminated contestants.
“Well, there goes another two,” said Don. “Who will be the next to bite the dust? Find out next time on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “The contestants were all placed in the middle of the ocean, and tasked with getting back to dry land. And with sharks swimming around everywhere, you can bet they were trying to move fast. Faith thought it was a good idea to kill Kenny in order to have Sabriel and Kenny kicked out of the competition, but it didn’t work, because Eren and Dorothy got the boot. Meanwhile, Trunks and Ayane managed to pull out a win, thereby giving them an advantage in the next challenge.” The camera cut back to Don. “Who will end up at the wrong end of the pack this time? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

Sabriel was furious. Because Faith had killed Kenny, the two of them had nearly lost the challenge. Granted, Kenny was used to dying at this point, to the point where he’d somehow managed to set up a TV and couch for himself to wait for her on (though where the TV was getting power she had no idea).
She had to get back at them for this, but she couldn’t think of anything other than helping Katniss and Alice’s group. And they were supposedly not working together anymore, so there wasn’t much she could do there. There must be something I can do, she thought. They must have a weakness, a secret, something that I can do something about…
An idea sprung into Sabriel’s head. Of course, she thought. The others probably don’t know about Light’s notebook. I have to tell them…
Sabriel found the group hanging around near Trunks and Ayane’s tent. “What’s going on?” asked Sabriel.
“Trunks is showing Ayane show to detect power levels,” said Alice. “We’re just volunteering to help her differentiate between everyone.”
“Isn’t that going to help them?” asked Sabriel.
“Probably, but I don’t have anything against them, so losing to them is fine by me,” said Finn.
“Okay Ayane, this is a scouter,” said Trunks, holding up a small device with a green display screen. “Just place it over your eye, and you can see everyone’s power levels.”
“Okay,” said Ayane, taking the device and hooking it over her right ear. She pushed a button on it, and number appeared on the screen. “Wow Trunks, two and a half million?”
“It’s my Saiyan heritage,” said Trunks. “We’re natural fighters, so we have extra high power levels. Not to brag, but no-one else here will have anything close to that.”
“Don’t be so sure,” said Ayane, looking around the crowd. “Raven’s appears to be just under a million.”
“Huh, cool,” said Raven, not really paying attention.
“What about me?” asked Stifler.
Ayane examined him for a moment. “Forty eight,” she said.
“Forty eight what?” asked Stifler. “Thousand? Million?”
“No, just forty eight,” said Ayane.
“Aww man,” whined Stifler. “But it’s not like any of the girls are above me…”
“Katniss, your power level is seventy five,” said Ayane.
“Sweet,” said Katniss, highfiving Finn.
“I mean none of the younger girls…” said Stifler.
“Arya, yours is sixty,” said Ayane, prompting Arya to stick her tongue out at Stifler.
“Lyra. Surely I’m stronger than Lyra,” said Stifler.
Ayane scanned Lyra. “Actually...” said Ayane. “While I attribute most of it to Pan’s limitless shapeshifting, Lyra’s power level is fifty.”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” yelled Stifler. “Am I the weakest person here?”
“No, of course not,” said Ayane. “That honour goes to…” Quickly she scanned the area for a lower power level than Stifler’s. “Wait, who’s that coming now?”
“What’s up guys?” asked Jake, coming into the clearing. “What’s happening?”
“Please tell me that I can beat him,” begged Stifler.
“His is forty five,” announced Ayane, bring a cheer of joy from Stifler.
“What’s with him?” asked Jake.
“Ayane just confirmed I’m better than you,” said Stifler. “And in the next challenge, I intend to prove it.”
“Oh yeah?” asked Jake. “Well…bring it on.”
“Great come back,” snarked Rogue, dragging him away from the crowd.

“Campers, meet at the Mess Hall for today’s challenge,” said Don.
“Zidane, can I talk to you?” asked Sabriel as the group dispersed.
“I haven’t even taken your bra today yet,” said Zidane defensively.
“No, not that,” said Sabriel. “Wait…” She quickly checked to make sure he hadn’t. “No, what I wanted to talk about is Light.”
“Oh…” said Zidane. “Well in that case, what’s up? I’ve been trying to figure out his secret, but all I’ve found is Kathryn’s bras.”
“Have you been checking Light’s stuff?” asked Sabriel.
“…Next question,” said Zidane.
“Look, I know what Light’s doing,” said Sabriel. “And after they killed Kenny last time and nearly got us disqualified, I want you guys to know that…”
“ZIDANE! Are you coming?” demanded Max.
“Next time then,” said Zidane, running off. Nearby, Light watched with slight concern on his face.

Confession Cam: Light
“Crap, she’s telling them. Faith, you may have just destroyed our one advantage.”

“Welcome contestants, to today’s challenge,” said Don. “And it’s a trivia challenge.”
“Or is it trivial?” asked Wallace.
Don glared at him, then continued. “So, for this challenge, all you have to do is know your partner,” explained Don. “The more you know about them, the more points you get. The team with the most points wins a bonus for next round, the team with the least goes home. Simple, right?”
“Question,” said Jake. “What if we don’t know our partner that well?”
“Seriously man? You’ve had all this time to learn about your partner, and you haven’t bothered?” asked Don. “You’re just lucky we decided to give you five minutes to learn as many things about your partner as possible.”
“What sorts of things are going to be on the test?” asked Annabeth.
“Could be anything really,” said Don. “Fifty randomly selected questions, all multiple choice, ranging from favourite food to most depraved sex act they’ve performed, no two tests are the same, and everyone will be split up in order to prevent potential cheating. Just ask as many questions as possible, and hope you get them on the test.”
“That’s evil,” said Gary. “I like it.”
“I know. I’m looking forward to seeing how badly you guys mess this up,” said Don. “Also Alice, if I see you using your future sight to see whether you get an answer wrong, I’m going to set your hair on fire.”
“Try it, see what happens to you,” said Alice. “Anyway, won’t Thorn be able to telepathically tell Kim the answers about Murtagh?”
“You just HAD to tell him, Alice,” muttered Kim.
“Good point,” said Don, turning to face the big dragon. “Go take a nap or something.”
“Are you sure you want to tell a dragon what to do?” asked Thorn.
“…I mean, it’s a competition and all,” said Don. “We’d rather the contestants don’t cheat.” Thorn snorted in disapproval, but took off towards the ocean. “Pan, same goes for you. If I see a bug helping Kouta, I’m swatting it.” Don pulled out a flyswatter and smacked it against his hand, causing Pan and Lyra to wince in pain, even though he didn’t actually hit them. “Now, if there are no further questions, start learning everything you can about your partner.”

“Okay Arya, I need to know everything there is to know about you so I can beat Jake,” said Stifler.
“Why do I care if you beat him?” asked Arya. “I only really care about beating Hit-Girl, and even then it’s more of a friendly rivalry.”
“Okay, well, help me beat Jake so I can help you beat Hit-Girl,” said Stifler. “It’s win-win.”
“Do you really think Hit-Girl’s got much hope when her partner is Bart?” asked Arya, pointing over at the two of them. Bart was using a knife to carve pictures into the wall and completely ignoring Hit-Girl.
“…I mean, you don’t know me that well,” said Stifler. “I could tell you so much about…”
“Let me guess: drinking and womanising?” asked Arya. “Yeah, I know your type. We won’t have to worry about losing, I’ll get a perfect score.”

Confession Cam: Stifler
“Damn, that girl is ice cold. What is it about her being such a bitch at such a young age?”

“He’s going to ask us embarrassing stuff, isn’t he?” asked Lyra.
“Probably. This is national TV, after all,” said Kouta. “Look, just whisper the guy’s name to me and I won’t say anything to anyone, okay?”
“It’s just that…there might be…two…” Lyra mumbled the last part so only Kouta could hear. “I think. I don’t know.”
“Take it easy kid,” said Kouta. “You’re young, you don’t know how all that stuff works yet.”
Lyra looked up at the boy she’d been teamed with. “You don’t seem to be acting like your normal perverted self,” she said.
“Yeah, that’s because you’re a kid,” said Kouta. “I would never talk like that to a child. Now, if it was one of the older girls…”
“Um, Kouta?” said Lyra.
“One of them is standing right behind me, aren’t they?” said Kouta as a sword appeared next to his neck.
“No, please, finish that sentence,” said Saeko, holding his blade steady.

“So, my dad’s a loser, and my uncle’s a womanising alcoholic…” started Jake.
“Stop,” said Rogue. “I already know.”
“You do?” asked Jake. “How? I haven’t already told you, have I?”
“No, you haven’t,” said Rogue. “But I know everything about you because I touched you.”
“Whoa, what?” asked Jake. “I mean, if you wanted to do that, can’t you do it while I’m awake? I’m okay with…”
“Not that,” added Rogue, as she realised what he was saying. “I meant that I absorb people’s powers, memories, personalities, and other stuff like that every time I make physical contact with them.”
“Really?” asked Jake. “Does it work in reverse too?” Jake leaned over to touch Rogue’s face.
“No, Jake sto…” started Rogue, as Jake’s hand touched her face. Almost immediately, Jake collapsed in a pile on the floor. “Damn it kid, wake up. WAKE U…”
“Time’s up,” called Don. “Girls in the other room, boys stay here.”
“Son of a bitch,” muttered Rogue. “Well, nothing else for it.” Rogue carefully lifted Jake up and placed him in a seat, hoping he’d wake up during the test and get a few questions right.

“You have one hour,” said Don. “Let’s see how you go.”

Confession Cam: Bart
“It can’t be that hard, right? Mindy’s a girl. I just need to answer in the girliest way possible, and I’ll get a perfect score.”

Confession Cam: Hit-Girl
“I swear to God, if Bart answers all the questions in the girliest way possible, I’m going to make him feel the girliest he’s ever felt.”

Confession Cam: Artemis
“If I understood Chell right, she used to be a test subject for an evil computer that became a potato. Either that, or a hamster that plays chess. Our language isn’t perfect yet, but we’re getting there.”

In the girl’s room, Don was carefully watching Alice. Alice noticed, but was trying to pay him as little attention as possible. Unfortunately, his constant presence was getting on her nerves. “You know, there are plenty of others in this room you can watch other than me,” she snapped.
“I know,” said Don. “But you’re the one with the power to figure out if you made a mistake. I know exactly what happens when you do, so I’ll be able to…”
“Do what, exactly?” asked Alice. “I get the right answer, you tell me to change it, I say no, what are you going to do about it?”
“I’ve got my trusty lighter right…HEY!” yelled Don, patting his pockets. “Where’d it go?”
“I can also move at speeds faster than the human eye can perceive,” said Alice. “It’s my lighter now.”
Don glared at her. “Screw you,” he said, walking away.

“Lyra, just let me…” started Pan.
“No Pan,” whispered Lyra. “You heard what Don said.”
“He wouldn’t, would he?” asked Noodle who was sitting next to her. “Wouldn’t that kill you?”
“I’d rather not find out,” said Lyra, continuing through her test.
“At least you don’t have to hope a dragon doesn’t try to cheat on your behalf,” said Kim. “I’m not sure that Thorn really cares about being in this competition.”
“Can you guys shut up?” asked Louise, who was sitting near them. “I’m trying to focus.” She took a sip from a green coffee mug on her desk, then answered her next question.
“Where’d she get that?” asked Nora.
“Erm…Internet?” said Louise, before continuing with the test.

Confession Cam: Nora
“There’s something screwy about Louise and Timmy. They always seem to have pink and green things around them that we never see again. Things they apparently got on the Internet. I don’t get it.”

Meanwhile, in the boys room…
“Can Annabeth swim?” asked Peter. “I mean, I assume she can, but why would she need to? She’s got Percy who can do that for her.”
“And I know people who can command the water to freeze, regardless of how hot it is,” said Zuko. “Doesn’t mean I haven’t learned it myself.”
“Pfft, they need water to make ice?” asked Gray. “If they’re as good as you think, they’d be able to freeze the air without water.”
“Shut up, ice boy,” snapped Zuko.
“Yeah, fire types are good against ice,” said Ash. “Zuko would destroy you.”
“Don’t you start, monster slaver,” said Gray.
“He’s right, you know,” said Zuko, smirking.
“Oh yeah? You want to step outside and say that?” demanded Gray.
“Please do not leave the room,” said Don, walking into the room to check on the guys. “Time’s half up already, so if you haven’t finished yet…”
“You know most of us are pretty much finished, right?” asked Patrick. “It’s a multiple choice test. As long as we colour in a bubble, we’re fine.”
“Plus, a lot of us have been friends since we met,” said Edward. “We know most of this stuff. There’s no point continuing this challenge any longer than we have to.”
“You could check over your answers?” suggested Don.
“Is it going to take half an hour?” asked Timmy.
“Probably not,” admitted Don. “But maybe someone’s still going?”
“Hands up, who’s still going?” asked Edward. No-one put their hand up. “So, no-one here needs any longer to answer the questions.”
“Especially not me or Ayane,” said Trunks. “We already had half the work done for us.”
“I do need to ask how you found out all this stuff about us,” said Light. “I don’t believe we were asked any questions, so how can the girls know the answers, and vice versa?”
“Pfft, details,” said Don with a hand wave. “Just sit quietly if you’re finished.”
“What if the girls are finished too?” asked Patrick.
“There’s no way the girls are finished too,” said Don confidently.
“Like, why don’t you check?” asked Shaggy.
Don sighed in defeat. “Okay, fine,” said Don. “But I’m telling you, they’ll still be going.” Don disappeared through the door he’d just come through, and reappeared a couple of seconds later. “Okay, after some rude comments from the girls, especially Faith, I have concluded that the challenge is over. Girls, please come join the boys.”

The girls all walked into the room, joining their respective partners. Rogue sat down next to Jake, and immediately noticed something odd. “Uh, Jake?” she said, carefully prodding him. “Jake, are you still asleep?”
“Huh? What?” asked Jake, suddenly waking up. “What did I miss?”
“The challenge,” said Rogue. “Did you seriously just sleep through the whole thing?”
“Well, I don’t mean to brag, but…” started Jake.
“Shh,” hushed Rogue. “Look, I’m pretty sure I got a perfect score with you. Hopefully that’ll be enough to keep us in the competition.”
“Wow, I’m impressed,” said Don. “All of you got at least fifty percent. Except for Rogue and Jake, who got exactly fifty percent.”
“…Maybe this is a non-elimination challenge?” asked Jake.
“Oh no, this fic is long enough without adding extra challenges,” said Don. “Sorry guys, but you are out of here.”
“Oh yeah, I beat you,” said Stifler.
“We were competing?” asked Jake, confusing Stifler.

Confession Cam: Stifler
“I’m starting to think Jake wasn’t as much of a threat as I thought.”

“Now, as for our winners,” said Don. “Arya and Stifler.”
“Even better,” said Stifler.
“Wait, what?” asked Arya. “He actually got questions right?”
“I answered every question in the most violent way possible,” said Stifler.
“That’s…actually the smartest thing I think you’ve ever done,” said Haruhi.
“Here’s your prize,” said Don, handing them a box. Arya was about to open the box, when Don stopped her. “I wouldn’t open it just yet.”
“Why? What in…” started Arya, as the box started growling aggressively and shaking violently.
“What the hell do you have in there? Rabid wolverines?” asked Kathryn.
“Do you have any idea how expensive rabid wolverines are?” asked Don.
“Do you have any idea how disturbing it is that you know the cost of rabid wolverines?” asked Elsa.
“Why do I get the feeling Kenny’s going to die next episode?” asked Sabriel. Kenny just stared at the box apprehensively.
Don picked up a steak that an intern had brought him, carefully opened the lid a small way, then through the steak in. The box growled again, and soon coughed up the bone from the steak that had just been thrown in. “What’s that all about? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appeared in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “Trunks started teaching Ayane how to sense energy levels, and Sabriel knows how to foil Light’s plots. Both mean bad news for our bad guys, but there was no time to worry about that, because they had a challenge to do. A trivia challenge.”
“Which really was trivial,” yelled Wallace from somewhere.
“Shut up hell up Wallace,” yelled Don back. “Anyway, everyone breezed through the challenge way too easily, except for Jake, who was unconscious the whole time thanks to his teammate Rogue touching him. Actually, come to think of it, he touched her, so it was his fault. Whatever. Point is, they’re gone now. The real surprise was Stifler managing to help Arya win the challenge, because he wanted to beat Jake. In terms of goal setting, that’s one of the lowest bars ever set.”
“Hey, I still got it,” called Stifler.
“Stop interrupting my damn intro,” snapped Don. “Anyway, they won a box with something dangerous in it, and now we’re gonna find out what that is.” The scene cut back to Don. “Who will go down this time? Find out now on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Katniss,” called Sabriel. “Katniss, I need to talk to you.”
“Sure, what’s up?” asked Katniss.
“I know you and the others aren’t working together right now,” said Sabriel. “But you need to know why Alice can’t see Light’s movements sometimes.”
“You know?” asked Finn, standing next to his partner.
“Yeah,” said Sabriel. “It’s gonna sound crazy, but…”
“Sabriel, among the people still here are a daughter of a goddess born from someone’s forehead, a future seeing vampire, a monkey kid who was designed to destroy a planet, a guy who lost two limbs just to keep his brother’s soul stored in a suit of armour. Hell, you and your partner regularly go through a revolving door to Death,” said Finn. “There is nothing you can say that is too crazy for us.”
“Okay,” said Sabriel. “You see, Light has this…” All of a sudden, Sabriel stopped talking, as if something had just caught her eye. “Light, I know you’re here. I just saw him.”
“Sabriel, the correct way to say that is ‘I just saw you’, silly,” said Light, coming out from the bushes.
“No, as in…” started Sabriel.
“Don’t worry Sabriel, I know what you meant,” said Light. “But it’s odd I need to correct you. I mean, English is my second language, and…”
“Light,” interrupted Katniss. “Let Sabriel finish.”
“Come on guys, we know what she was…” started Light, as two swords and a bow began pointing at his face. “Okay, surely you guys aren’t thinking of killing me, are you?”
“The thought has crossed my mind,” said Katniss. “Unfortunately, I don’t think I’d be allowed to compete any longer if I did, so I guess I’ll have to aim at something non-vital.” Katniss aimed her bow down, causing Light to wince. “Now Sabriel, would you like to continue?”
“Well, you see…” started Sabriel.
“Contestants, please come over to the Mess Hall for today’s challenge,” said Don over the speakers.
“Well, you heard the man,” said Faith, coming up behind Sabriel and picking her up, surprising her enough to make her drop her sword. “We’ve got a challenge to do.”
“Yes, indeed,” said Kathryn, covering Sabriel’s mouth before she could continue talking. “Let’s go there now.” Between the two girls, they carried Sabriel off to the Mess Hall.
“This isn’t over,” said Katniss as she lowered her bow and put the arrow away.
“Sweetheart, do you have any idea who you’re messing with?” asked Gary, running a finger over Katniss’s chin. Finn responded by kicking him in the shins. “Look, no matter what you throw at us, Light’s got a plan for it, Kathryn’s got the charm, Faith has the muscle, and I’m all that combined. We’re practically unstoppable.”
“We’ll see about that,” said Finn, as the other two boys left.

Confession Cam: Light
“Shit, that was close. We really need to get rid of one of them.”

A few minutes later, the contestants were all gathered in the mess Hall. Faith and Kathryn had done their best to keep Sabriel as far from Katniss and Finn as possible, and made sure to mix her into the crowd as much as possible so that when they arrived, they wouldn’t find her.
“Welcome contestants,” said Don, wearing an explorer’s outfit, a fedora, and a bullwhip hanging at his belt. “Today’s challenge involves adventure and treasure hunting…”
“I’ve got this,” said Zidane.
“You better,” said Max under her breath.
“So, most of you probably know about the Holy Grail, right?” asked Don. “The cup Jesus drank out of at the Last Supper…”
“Stop,” said Annabeth. “We’re not seriously bringing religion into this shit are we? Because I have enough other gods to worry about without capital G God. I mean, I recently discovered the Norse gods are real too.”
“Actually, they’re just super strong aliens with unbelievable powers,” said Peter. “I’ve met Thor a few times. Cool guy. His brother’s a dick though. We’re fighting Thanos together soon.”
“Can we get back on topic?” asked Don. “Because other than being the thing Jesus drank out of, this challenge has nothing else to do with Christianity.”
“Wait a minute, you mean to say you’ve got THE Holy Grail?” said Haruhi. “The one and only vessel that Jesus drank out of?”
“Well…no,” said Don. “I mean, do you have any idea how expensive that thing is to borrow? And don’t even think of trying to get him to make a new one, that guy charges a premium to do that.”
“Are you sure that was Jesus?” asked Bart. “Because I know a guy who would have said something if Jesus was alive, and trust me, he hasn’t said anything.”
“I did think it was weird he had a Russian website,” said Don. “Well, now that you’ve ruined the illusion behind the challenge, you’ve gotta get a Holy Grail from a cave, without picking the wrong one.”
“Got it. Recreate the last scene of The Last Crusade,” said Wallace. “Explains the episode title, actually.”
“But it doesn’t explain our prize from the last episode,” said Arya, holding the violently moving box.
“Or why the title doesn’t reference Crystal Skull,” said Stifler.

“First of all, Stifler, do you really think anyone wants to be reminded of that movie?” asked Don. “Second of all, Arya, what you have there is the Monster of Caerbannog, a vicious creature that you can use to slow down your fellow competitors. But be careful, it’s not loyal to you, it only lives for death and destruction. Also, I prodded it with sharp stick while showing it pictures of your faces, so now it associates your images with pain and anger.”
“Gee, thanks,” muttered Ash.
“So I take it we have to find the cave ourselves?” asked Alice.
“Well, yeah,” said Don. “Once there, you will be asked to pick an official and totally not fake looking replica of the Grail, and bring it back here.”
“Wait a minute,” said Kim. “In the movie, getting the wrong answer turns the drinker to dust.”
“Again, due to your potential funerals well and truly exceeding the show’s budget, we decided we’d just make the challenge safe…ish,” said Don. “I wanted an element of realism, but what can you do?”
“And I thought we were free of Chris,” muttered Murtagh.
“Now, if there are no more questions, you may begin the challenge,” said Don.
“Correction: we may begin the challenge,” said Stifler, grabbing the box. “Let’s see how well you handle monsters.”
“Actually, most of us handle monsters pretty well,” said Ash.
“…Shut up,” said Stifler, lifting the lid and throwing the contents at the others. “Let’s see you beat…a bunny?”
“Aww, he’s adorable,” said Lyra, running forward to pet it with Kenny. Before she got too far, Kouta grabbed her hand.
“Wait a moment kid,” said Kouta. “I think there’s something about this rabbit.”
“Like what?” asked Lyra, looking back at the bunny. Just as Kenny reached the bunny to pet it, the bunny leaped at him and bit him in the throat, then shook him around until he was decapitated. “Oh…”
“I wonder if Nymeria could beat that thing…” wondered Arya, watching the bunny snarling at the other contestants.
“Doesn’t matter, we’re out of here,” said Stifler, dragging her out the door.

“Hey Sabriel, you should go get Kenny back,” said Kathryn.
“Not until the bunny’s dealt with,” said Sabriel. “Knowing you guys, you’ll just keep him dead as long as possible.”
“Don, she’s trying to compete without her partner,” complained Gary.
“I can see that,” said Don, barricading himself behind as much furniture as he could find. “And my ruling is: as long as she brings Kenny back before she leaves the Mess Hall, there will be no consequences.”
“You think you can do anything with that?” asked Faith in a whisper.
“Well, I might have an apple or three for whoever would like to keep a certain rabbit alive as long as possible,” said Light.
“Three apples?” asked Ryuk. “Well, this breaks all kind of rules, but I think under the circumstances…” Ryuk laughed a little as he disappeared from the human world.
“What’s the plan?” asked Haruhi.
“Well, I haven’t fed in a little while,” said Alice. “This is going to be delicious.” The bunny bounded at her, while Alice ran at the killer rodent. The monster bit into Alice’s neck, only to find her skin to be too hard to bite through. “Yeah, hard to bite through skin that’s basically marble, isn’t it? You may as well try decapitating a statue.”
“Actually, it isn’t that hard,” said Bart. “I did it once.”
“Quiet kid,” said Alice, biting into the rabbit’s neck and beginning to drink. “You guys go on ahead, me and Ash will catch up later.”
“I have to wait?” asked Ash, as everyone else left.
“I’m the fastest one here,” said Alice. “It doesn’t matter how far away they get, we’ll catch them in no time. Besides…” Alice drank deeply from the rabbit before discarding it. “We’re done here anyway.” Alice immediately threw Ash and Pikachu on her back, and sprinted out the door. Unfortunately, she didn’t see the contestants lurking around the corner.

“Alright, Faith,” said Light. “You’re the fastest one of us, you go catch up to everyone else, figure out where we need to go, and leave a trail for us to follow. If you can mess up some other teams in the process, do it.”
“You got it,” said Faith, running after the other contestants.
“Gary,” said Light. “Get the rabbit’s body. Ryuk should hopefully be able to…organise for it to be not quite dead.”
“Yeah, give me the dirty work,” complained Gary, though he still made his way back into the Mess Hall.
“How about us?” asked Kathryn.
“Sabriel’s still in there getting Kenny back,” said Light. “She needs to be held up for as long as possible. Kenny has some kind of way of avoiding permanent death, so I’m guessing one or two more deaths won’t matter. Between us, we should be able to hold up the two of them until the bunny’s back, then we get the hell out of here with Gary.”
“That’s despicable,” said Kathryn, before changing the tone of her voice to something more seductive. “You’re so willing to kill a child. I love a man who doesn’t let such things stand in his way.”
“Of course,” said Light, inching closer to her. “You wait until we get a bit later in the game and we cut off the, shall we say, extra weight.”
“Are you referring to Gary and Faith?” asked Kathryn. “We’re not going to take them to the finale?”
“Of course not,” said Light. “Faith could beat both of us with one hand, and Gary could hold his own in intelligence against us. We need to ditch them late in the competition, and keep one of the weaker teams around to crush in the finale.”
“I like it,” said Kathryn, nibbling on Light’s ear.
“Of course, I could also find a way to keep all the money for myself, since someone did ditch me for a chance to compete in season two,” said Light, not reacting to Kathryn’s advances.
“Aww, you’re not still mad about that, are you?” asked Kathryn, still leaning across Light’s body, arms wrapped around his shoulders.
“A little,” said Light, continuing to ignore Kathryn. “But someday, I suppose we can put that behind us.” Finally, Light turned to face Kathryn. “Will you do me the honour in helping me defeating the other teams?”
“Why Light, I thought you’d never ask,” said Kathryn, leaning closer to him.

“Um, guys?” asked Gary, coming out of the Mess Hall. “Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got the rabbit.”
“Oh, right,” said Light. “Where’s Sabriel?”
“Outta my way,” said Sabriel, carrying the newly revived Kenny past them.
“Oh no you don’t,” said Kathryn, running past her and blocking her path.
Sabriel sighed, dropped Kenny onto the ground, and drew her sword. “I don’t have the time to put up with you today. Move, or I put this through every non-lethal part of your body.”
“Or maybe,” said Gary. “You should bring your partner back again.” Without a second thought, Gary threw the contents of a wastebasket onto Kenny. As the rabbit’s body flew towards him, the rodent’s eyes flew open, and its jaw widened.
“Run guys,” called Light, running down a nearby path he’d seen some of the others go down earlier.
“FUCK YOU LIGHT YAGAMI!” screamed Sabriel, as the bunny killed Kenny for a second time. Sabriel turned around, infuriated with the dangerous little creature, and stabbed it through the face with her sword. Then continued slicing and dicing the bunny until she was sure it wasn’t getting back up. Slowly, Sabriel calmed down, and began working on bringing back Kenny again.

“Shaggy, must you do this now?” asked Noodle, clearly irritated.
“But Noodle, like, these trees have food in them,” said Shaggy. “Don’t you want something to eat?”
“Yes, but it can wait until after the challenge,” said Noodle. “It’ll still be here when we finish, so let’s go.”
“Why don’t you go on ahead and finish the challenge, and I’ll catch up when I’ve eaten?” suggested Shaggy.
“I feel like I’m going to regret this,” said Noodle. “Okay, either wait here when you’re done, or start heading back. Failing either of those, make it clear where you’re going, so that…”
“Noodle, I get it,” said Shaggy. “Don’t get lost, meet up later. Go on ahead.”
“Just don’t get stuck. Who knows what’s lurking these woods,” said Noodle, leaving.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Shaggy. “Noodle? Noodle?” Shaggy looked down, and saw that Noodle was gone. He also saw how far up he was. “ZOINKS!”

Meanwhile, at the cave…
“Hey Arya, I think we found it,” said Stifler.
“Great, let’s just go through…” started Arya as she walked through the cave they were in, before Stifler stopped her.
“Hold on,” said Stifler. “Look at the floor.” All across the floor were letters. “In the movie they have to spell Jehovah’s name before they could pass…”
“That is correct,” came a booming voice from some speakers set up in the corner of the room. “Except fuck that, this is Don’s show, so you pass in his name.”
“That’s much easier,” said Stifler. “Now I don’t have to remember how Jehovah is spelled in Latin…or figure out how we got past the Breath of God challenge.”
“You didn’t,” said the voice, as a baseball bat flew out of the wall and smacked Stifler in the back, throwing him onto the floor with all the letter tiles. Unfortunately for him, none of them were part of Don’s name, so the floor broke away around him.
“SON OF A BITCH!” yelled Stifler as he began to fall. Before he went too far down, a hand grabbed him. “Arya, you saved me.”
“You know you weigh several times more than me right?” said Arya, straining to keep Stifler up. “Climb up somewhere before we both fall, moron.”
“Oh right,” said Stifler, grabbing a nearby pillar. “Hey, wait a minute.” Stifler looked around, and saw there were only three of these pillars in the hole, including the one he as holding. “Arya, what letter are you standing on?”
“D. Why?” she asked.
“And what letter’s on this one?” asked Stifler.
“O. Why is this…” started Arya, before suddenly catching on. “Okay, now I got it. Where’s the other one?”
“Right over there,” said Stifler. “You go ahead. I’ll…try to get back up.”
“Just climb up,” snapped Arya. “This shit’s made of barely hardened clay, it’s not that strong.” To demonstrate her point, she punched through one of the letters.
“Hey, it was the most cost effective thing we could get,” said the voice.
“Alright, I’ll be right with you,” said Stifler, climbing his way onto the O block. “Here goes nothing.” Stifler jumped in the direction of the N…
…and got nowhere near it.
“Oh come on, again?” demanded Stifler as he began to fall…only to stop five feet later. “Good thing you caught me again.”
“I didn’t,” said Arya. “You hit the bottom.”
“You try finding a deep cave to drop people into,” said the voice.
“Well, guess it’s on to the Leap of Faith,” said Stifler, getting up and walking into the next room with Arya. “Luckily no-one else has found this…”

“Hey guys, I think it’s in here,” called Kim from outside.
“Shit,” said Arya, picking up the pace.
“It’s definitely right. I just heard a ten year old swearing,” said Murtagh.
“But Hit-Girl’s right here,” said Bart.
“Fuck you, I’m eleven,” said Hit-Girl.
“Moving on,” said Zuko, coming up to the first challenge. “Guess we have to cross this hole.”
“I’m on it,” said Elsa, immediately freezing the floor and running across it, Zuko in tow.
“Pfft, I could have done that,” said Gray, following them.
“Follow this,” said Zuko, throwing a fireball at the spot Gray was standing. The ice around Gray melted, but not the ice immediately under his feet.
“You idiot, I can still freeze things,” said Gray.
“Good, otherwise that thing would miss you,” said Zuko.
“What thi…” started Gray, as the baseball bat struck Gray in the back of the head and knocked him over.
“Hey Gray, if we’re gonna be stopping, can you take the opportunity to put your pants back on?” asked Saeko.
“I’m not complaining,” said Wallace, growling seductively.
“But I am,” said Haruhi, moving him along.
“So, this Holy Grail…” started Nora. “Is it some kind of relic? What’s the deal with it?”
“I assume so,” said Edward. “Christianity’s not really a thing in my world.”
“I’m still trying to figure out why this challenge is based on Indiana Jones, but the prize from last time was from Monty Python,” said Annabeth.
“Question it later,” said Peter, grabbing hold of Annabeth. “Away we go.”
“I didn’t agree to…” started Annabeth, as Peter swung them across the hole to the next part of the challenge.
“Really Peter? It’s a foot of water,” called Patrick. “Hey Raven, can you fly us across?”
“Of course you’d say that,” sighed Raven, though she still complied.

“I sure wish we had a way across,” said Timmy. As if by magic, a section of the roof caved in, leaving a walkway across the water for the contestants to cross.
“Oh, how convenient for us,” said Louise in a voice that hinted she knew it wasn’t a coincidence.
“You know, the whole point was for you guys to spell my name,” said the voice (which, in case you hadn’t already guessed, was Don’s).
“Oh, shut up,” said Louise, pushing the speaker into the water.
“You know putting something electrical into water is dangerous, right?” asked Artemis, as the water started crackling.
“Do you say electricity in water?” called Nora from somewhere up ahead.
“Not now Nora, we have a challenge to win,” said Edward.
“Chell, if you would be so kind?” said Artemis. Chell nodded, and fired a portal at each end of the room, so they wouldn’t have to risk falling into the water. “Excellent. Now, what’s next?”
“Didn’t you ever see this movie?” asked Max. “It’s the Leap of Faith.”
“Is that why you’re flying over it?” asked Artemis.
“Hey, there was never a rule AGAINST it,” said Max. “But there’s a path down there painted to look like the floor, so just jump down to it.”
“Or…” said Artemis, nodding at Chell. Chell nodded back, and fired a portal at the other side of the Leap.
“Cheaters,” muttered Max, flapping her wings to keep herself airborne.

Meanwhile, inside the final room…
“Welcome travellers,” said a guy wearing a fake beard that definitely wasn’t Don. “Here you will attempt to find the Holy Grail, and…”
“Wait up a minute…” interrupted Stifler, looking at the room around him. “Did you just decorate a bunch of red Solo cups?”
“Of course not,” said Not-Don. “The prop department did that. Now, choose a Grail.”
“This one,” said Arya. “Now what?”
“You must drink from it,” said Not-Don, as Stifler took it from her and put it in a pool of water. “If it is a real grail, it will taste as sweet as honey. If not, it will taste like…”
“Ugh, is this La Croix?” asked Stifler.
“Yep,” said Not-Don. “Now, try again.”
“What wrong with this ‘La Croix’?” asked Arya.
“It tastes like someone ate an apple, then burped into carbonated water,” said Stifler. “Now, let’s see what else is…”
“Why are the Holy Grails plastic cups?” asked Kouta, entering the cave with Lyra.
“Fuck it, let’s just check ‘em all,” said Stifler, grabbing an armful of cups.
“Yoink,” said Zidane, snatching one from Stifler’s hand.
“Remember, there’s no guarantee that Stifler has one of the Grails,” said Not-Don. “Or he could have all of them.”
“Good enough for me,” said Hit-Girl, punching Stifler in the dick and taking another cup, before throwing it to Bart. “Bart, check it.”
Bart dipped the cup into the water and tested it. “Nope,” said Bart. “It tastes like someone Googled what orange tastes like.”
“Okay,” said Hit-Girl, punching Stifler in the dick again and taking another cup for Bart. “How about that one?”
“Tastes like someone juiced the ghost of a pear,” said Bart.
“Please…no more…” squeaked Stifler, as Hit-Girl punched and robbed him again.

“As fun as that looks,” said Ayane, smiling as an eleven year old continued to torture a grown man. “I think we’ll at least try to find one on our own.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Trunks, grabbing a cup and testing it. “This tastes like an anti-senzu bean.”
“Can we at least try one of the cups Stifler chose?” asked Arya.
“Fine, whatever,” said Hit-Girl, leaving Stifler alone. “It’s not like the last cup he’s holding will be the one you need.”
Arya took the cup, and drank from it. Immediately, her eyes shot up in surprise, and a smile crept across her face. “Oh, Hit-Girl…”
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” said Hit-Girl, kicking Stifler in the dick one last time for good measure.
“Stifler and Arya, you found a Grail,” announced Not-Don. “You may proceed back to the Mess Hall.”
“So long, suckers,” said Arya, stumbling towards the door. “Stifler, are you coming?”
“Give my balls a minute to not pop,” squeaked Stifler, still clutching his aching crotch.
“Get up you pathetic moron,” said Arya, trying to drag him away by the ear.
“As for me, I have to leave for reasons unrelated to needing to beat them back,” said Not-Don.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” said Zidane. “I’m the master thief, and they’re the first ones finished? Those two never get any screen time.”
“Well, if you stop complaining and start competing, maybe you’d be in the running for the win,” said Katniss. “Isn’t that right Finn?” Katniss looked over at Finn, who seemed to be stuck in some kind of euphoric state. “Finn?”
“I think…I found one,” said Finn, falling to the ground, still grinning like an idiot.
“Okay, good, let’s get out of here,” said Katniss, flinging him onto her back.
The other contestants continued trying to find a Grail, and slowly began leaving as they found one. Noodle desperately tried to find one, knowing that if she went as loopy as some of the others did, she’d need to find Shaggy quickly so she wouldn’t screw up trying to get back.
“Alice, why do I have to drink from all of them?” asked Ash. “Surely you can do some of it.”
“Actually, I lack tastebuds for anything but blood,” said Alice. “Plus, if I go down, you’ll have a harder time getting back carrying me than I would if I was carrying you.”
“Fair enough, but I was referring to you using your future scene,” said Ash. “Surely that would…”
“You have to make up your mind for that to work,” said Alice. “You’re going to have to go through all the cups anyway, and by the time I come out of my trance, you could have already drunk from it. We have to do this properly.”
“Inconvenient,” said Ash. “But not as bad as Noodle’s problem.”
“I’m sure Shaggy will get here before I find a cup,” said Noodle, drinking from a cup. “He’s just…” Al of a sudden, Noodle collapsed, a huge grin plastered across her face. “I found one. Back home now.” Noodle slunk across the floor until she hit a wall, giggled, then got up and stumbled out.
“What is in that stuff they’re drinking?” asked Lyra, taking a sip from her cup.
“Honey-flavoured absinthe,” said Alice. “Speaking of which…”
“Pan…” moaned Lyra in pleasure. “Fly us to the moon.”
“Relax kiddo,” said Kouta, lifting her onto his back. “We’ll get you back to the base.”

Meanwhile, at the end…
“And here’s our first two teams,” said Real-Don. “Arya and Stifler vs Katniss and Finn. Who’s going to be the first team across the line, and the first to win multiple first place bonuses? Surely it’ll be the team who didn’t win last time, and actually contribute to the plot sometimes…”
“Hey Katniss, I wanna roll the rest of the way,” said Finn, jumping off Katniss’s back and landing on the ground in a heap, laughing as he hit the dirt.
“…really?” asked Don, as Stifler and Arya crossed the line. “I’m about ninety percent sure you were added to the cast because Kieran needed fodder characters, and you just won two challenges in a row? It’s like he’s picking these at random.”
“Less talk, more prize,” said Stifler.
Don sighed in defeat. “Fine, whatever,” he said, handing them a box. “Don’t expect to learn what that’s about for a while, we’re due for another Aftermath.”
Stifler opened the box and pulled out a bungee cord. “Oh, that’s not going to end well,” he said. “Especially if Arya’s still hungover from this challenge when it happens.”
“I’m not as think as you drunk I am,” said Arya, collapsing next to him.
As time ticked on, more and more contestants continued to come in. Finally, the finished contestants were watching a footrace between two teams: Kouta carrying Lyra, and Sabriel carrying Kenny.
“Light, have we won yet,” slurred an intoxicated Kathryn.
“We’re about to,” said Light, casually holding her hair back as she vomited on his shoes. “Kouta’s pulling ahead of Sabriel, then we can focus our energies on Alice.”
“But is this all the teams?” asked Gary. “You haven’t miscounted, have you?”
“Hold on, let me check,” said Light, starting to recount the teams as Kouta crossed the finish line, shortly followed by Sabriel.
“SON OF A BITCH!” yelled Sabriel. “If it wasn’t for Light and his group…”
“SON OF A BITCH!” yelled Light. “I miscounted. There’s a team missing.”
“Really? Who?” asked Haruhi.
“That’s what I’m about to show you,” said Don, wheeling in a TV and turning it on. The picture focused on Noodle leaning against the bottom of a tree.
“Shaggyyyyy,” whined Noodle. “Please come down? For me?”
“But you said there were things lurking in these woods,” said Shaggy from somewhere in the tree.
“How about you get down for me?” asked Don. “Everyone else has finished, which means you guys are gone.”
“Oh, boo,” said Noodle, as the Lame-o-sine pulled up next to them. Noodle punched the tree as she got up, and caught Shaggy when he fell down, before climbing into the Lame-o-sine.
“Well, there goes another team,” said Don. “What’s in store for the rest of them next? Find out right here, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants playing.
Blossom and Marty
“EWW! Is…is that live worms?” “WHAT THE FUCK?!”
Dorothy and Eren
“I’ll get us back. Just need to turn titan, and…” “Won’t the blood from your hand wound make the sharks...”
Jake and Rogue
“I absorb people’s powers, memories, personalities, and other stuff like that every time I make physical contact with them.” “Really? Does it work in reverse too?”
Noodle and Shaggy
“Just don’t get stuck. Who knows what’s lurking these woods.” “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage.

“Hey dudes, what’s up?” asked Geoff. “I’m Geoff.”
“And I’m Bridgette,” said Bridgette. “And we have got quite the show for you. Interviews, That’s Gonna Leave a Mark, Truth or…something, and some never before seen footage.”
“That’s right Bridgette,” said Geoff. “But you know what else we have? A Peanut Gallery of some of your favourite former Total Drama contestants.”
“Let’s bring them out, shall we?” said Bridgette. “Please welcome…Blaineley? That can’t be right.”
“Well it is, suckers,” said Blaineley, strutting on stage. “Just read my contract.”
“Oh, I did,” said Geoff smugly. “And all it said was you had to appear on camera. It said nothing about you needing to stay, so I got the stagehands to make a little something for me.”
“What did you…” started Blaineley, as a trapdoor opened under her, dropping her out of sight.
“Well, now that that’s taken care of,” said Geoff. “Please welcome Chet.” Chet ran out onstage, leaping up to the seating area and landing safely in the bottom row of seats. “Wow, dude, that’s awesome.”
“Thank you. At least someone appreciates rhythmic gymnastics,” said Chet.
“Please welcome Cody,” said Bridgette. Cody walked out onstage, waving to the crowd while seeming somewhat distracted. So distracted, in fact, that he walked face first into the seating area. Cody rubbed his head, before getting back up and taking a seat.
“Ooh, are you alright Cody?” asked Bridgette.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” said Cody, taking an icepack from a stagehand. “Just trying to keep an eye out for Sierra.”
“Don’t worry dude,” said Geoff. “Security detained her the third time she tried to enter the building.”
“Oh thank God,” said Cody, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Also here tonight, we have Courtney,” said Geoff. Courtney came out onstage with her arms folded, scowl plastered across her face. She took her seat without paying attention to anyone else around here.
“Emma,” said Bridgette. Emma walked onstage and took a seat next to Courtney. Emma made a move to talk to Courtney, but the look on the other girl’s face made Emma back off.
“Jacques,” said Geoff. Jacques ran onstage with his arms in the air, before sliding gracefully to a halt. Jacques took a bow, then took his seat.
“Jo,” said Bridgette. Jo walked onstage, shook the upper level of the seating area as she went past to make Chet and Cody fall down, and took a seat for herself.
“Laurie,” said Geoff. Laurie walked onstage, throwing flowers to the studio audience as she took her seat.
“Max,” said Bridgette. Loud, metallic steps came from just offstage. Suddenly, a robotic walker appeared onstage with Max piloting it.
Max laughed maniacally as he approached the seating area, when the robot started beeping. Max started frantically pressing buttons, but he couldn’t prevent the robot from blowing up. Max flew into the air, and landed headfirst on the seating area. “Curses,” he muttered to himself, before collapsing into his seat.
“Rock,” said Geoff. Rock skidded on his knees onstage, playing a wicked air guitar riff, before taking his place with the others.
“Rodney,” said Bridgette.
“Hey, who said that?” asked Rodney, walking onstage to see where the voice came from. When he saw Bridgette, he gasped in shock, then a goofy smile spread across his face.
“Err, are you gonna take a seat, or…” started Geoff.
Rodney looked up at who was talking, scowling. “Hey, back off. You had your chance,” said Rodney defensively.
“Umm, what?” asked Bridgette.
“Oh, you made your choice?” asked Rodney sadly. “That’s okay, I’ll just…just…” Rodney ran offstage again, crying as he went.
“Okay…” said Geoff. “Well, please welcome our final Peanut Gallery member, Staci.” Staci walked onstage and took her seat with the other former contestants. “So guys, what’s up? How’s everyone been enjoying this season?”
“Why do you care?” snapped Courtney. “It’s not like we’ll get to do anything after this. You guys at least have a few more Aftermaths you get to appear in.”
“Wow, what’s wrong with her?” asked Cody.
“Don’t you see? This is the last time any of us are going to appear in this fanfic,” said Courtney. “I’ve been trying to find a way to sue the writer for giving me so little screen time, but it’s hard to do when he’s writing the very text I’m currently saying.”
“Maybe there’s some kind of breach of contract we can get him for?” suggested Emma. “I mean, he didn’t even tag us on Archive of Our Own. Maybe we can get something out of that?”
“I don’t think he feels like spending another hour tagging every character in Total Drama,” said Bridgette.
“Still, he should have at least tagged me,” said Jacques. “I mean, I’m a glorious winner.”
“Dude, you came third,” said Geoff. “I know because I beat you.”
“Bah, don’t remind me,” said Jacques, disgusted.

“So guys, shall we bring out our first guests?” asked Bridgette.
“Whatever. I have a god to attempt to sue,” said Courtney, walking offstage.
“She’s really taking this hard,” said Geoff. “Oh well. Our first guests are the most recent eliminations. One’s a rock star, one’s a mystery solver, please welcome Noodle and Shaggy.” Noodle and Shaggy walked onstage and took a seat across from the two hosts. “Hey guys, what’s up?”
“Like, not much dude,” said Shaggy. “Other than, you know, missing out on the money.”
“At least I got to win it once,” said Noodle, holding her head. “Damn, that absinth packs a punch.”
“You shook me out of a tree with your punch,” said Shaggy. “How much worse can an absinth hangover be?”
“This bad,” said Noodle, smacking Shaggy’s head into the table in front of them. “That’s for costing us the win.”
“Zoinks, like, that hurts,” said Shaggy. “Last time I felt pain I was hanging out with the Winchesters.”
“Oh, quit your bitchin’,” said Noodle. “I survived in Hell, you can survive a headache.”
“Like, does a headache go away by eating a giant sandwich?” asked Shaggy.
Noodle sighed in defeat. “Fine, we’ll get something after the show,” she said.
“Wow Noodle, you’re not angry at him anymore?” asked Bridgette.
“Why should I? I already slammed his head into a table,” said Noodle. “Isn’t that enough?”
“Good to see you’re still on good terms,” said Geoff. “Or are you? Because now it’s time for Truth or Cream Pie.”

An animation plays for Truth or Cream Pie.
“The rules are simple,” said Geoff. “Tell the truth, nothing happens. Tell a lie, get a pie.”
“My shirt is orange,” said Shaggy.
“…what?” asked Geoff.
“My pet Scooby is a cat,” said Shaggy.
“What are you doing?” asked Geoff.
“Like, you said tell a lie, get a pie,” said Shaggy. “So, I’m telling lies to get pies. My car is called the Crime Van.”
“He’s not wrong,” said Bridgette, moving over to the small catapult loaded with pies. “So I guess…”
“Don’t just give him pies because he’s telling random lies,” said Geoff, as Bridgette fired the first pie at Shaggy.
“Like, you should have been more specific,” said Shaggy, catching the pie and proceeding to eat it.
“At least we don’t have to go out for food later,” said Noodle.
“Like, you think I’ll be filled up by these?” asked Shaggy, catching a second pie. “This is just an appetiser.”
“How can you eat so much? You’re so skinny,” said Noodle.
“Running from ghosts on a regular basis burns a LOT of calories,” said Shaggy. “I need to eat as much as possible to make up for all the fat I burn.” As he said that, a fourth pie flew at him.
“Wait, I thought that one was true,” said Geoff.
“Like, nope,” said Shaggy. “It’s actually because I’m a vegetarian.”
“A vegetarian who eats dog food,” said Jo.
“I don’t care about that,” said Laurie. “I just care that he loves Mother Nature enough to not eat a helpless animal.”
“Bah, pathetic,” said Jo, pushing Laurie off the seating area. “See, if you ate your meat, you’d be strong enough to resist that.”
“I remember when my great-great-great uncle invented edible dog food,” said Staci. “Before that, dogs were forced to eat meat covered rocks. So sad.”
“…wouldn’t the dogs just eat the meat, and leave the rocks?” asked Noodle.
“Don’t question my facts,” snapped Staci.
“Don’t question my fists,” said Noodle, getting up and walking towards Staci threateningly.

“And just like that, it’s time for our next guests,” said Bridgette, stepping between them to prevent a fight from breaking out. “One wears ruby slippers, one wears a giant, rampaging monster body, please welcome Dorothy and Eren.” Dorothy and Eren walked onstage and took their places next to Shaggy and Noodle. “So guys, how are you?”
“Still in pain,” said Eren, showing his bandaged leg. “One of the sharks enjoyed titan me too much. He liked my sword much less.”
“At least you’re okay,” said Dorothy. “Do you have any idea how worried I was about you in the water?”
“I can carry a giant boulder while avoiding titans, a dip in the water with some sharks is nothing,” said Eren.
“Wait a minute, you were worried about him?” asked Geoff, a hint of suspicion in his voice.
“Well, he was my teammate,” said Dorothy.
“True,” said Geoff. “But there’s more to it than that, isn’t there? And don’t lie, the creamapult is loaded and ready to go.” As if in response, the creamapult rolled towards them, threatening to launch.
“…I mean, did you see Titan Eren’s abs?” asked Dorothy.
“Hell yeah I did,” said Bridgette.
“BRIDGE!” complained Geoff.
“Hush, girl talk,” said Noodle, leaning in to speak with Bridgette and Dorothy.
“Except, we’re trying to do a TV show right now,” said Geoff.
“Just go to the next segment or something,” said Bridgette dismissively.
“This is all your fault Eren,” mumbled Geoff.
“Hey, don’t blame me,” said Eren. “Blame my dad for giving me a titan form in the first place.”

“Well, since they could be a while,” said Geoff. “Let’s go to some never before seen footage. Footage they would have interest in if they weren’t so engrossed with whatever they’re talking about. Because someone’s been stealing the girl’s panties…”
“Zidane,” said Shaggy.
“That’s who you think,” said Geoff. “But as the footage shows…”
“Dude, why would it be anyone but Zidane?” asked Eren.
“Well, maybe there’s another pervert on the show,” said Geoff, pressing play on the machine. The giant TV flickered to life, with the camera focusing on one of the contestants’ tents.
“Wait, isn’t that…me and Noodle’s tent?” asked Shaggy.
“What’s that about our tent?” asked Noodle, looking up from her conversation to see Kouta poking his head out of the tent, before sneaking out holding something in one of his hands. “Are those…”
“Your panties?” asked Geoff. “Yes, yes they are.”
“THAT JERK!” yelled Noodle. “I gave him a blood transfusion when he had a particularly bad nose bleed. I knocked Zidane out because I thought it was him.”
“Now that I think about it, Zidane’s more interested in stealing bras anyway,” said Shaggy.
“Well, I found him holding my bra that day, so I guess it was justified,” said Noodle.
“If it makes you feel better, you’re not the only victim,” said Geoff, continuing the video, though it was more of the same: Kouta sneaking into and out of tents, coming out with their underwear.
“I’m actually pretty shocked Zidane isn’t involved in some way,” said Chet. “Are you sure he’s not paying Kouta for them?”
“With what?” asked Geoff. “Gil doesn’t exactly translate well to yen.”
“Zidane’s money is made of pure gold. It’ll translate pretty well anywhere,” said Jo.
“Still, Kouta needs to be taught a lesson,” said Noodle. “I wonder if I can get my old band mate Murdoch to do something…”
“Whoa, dude, you’re in a band too?” asked Rock. “Any chance you could…you know, help a dude get signed?”
“Kid, my band has five albums, three of which have been number one,” said Noodle. “Four number one singles, we’ve collaborated with Snoop Dogg, we’re owned by a guy from Blur, and Ten Second Songs covered one of our songs. You look like you’re still living in your mother’s basement.”
“…she makes me pay rent,” said Rock, sinking back into his chair.

“Okay, after that brutal verbal beatdown, it’s time to bring out our next guests,” said Bridgette. “She’s a superhero, he’s a time traveller, please welcome Blossom and Marty.” Blossom and Marty come onstage and sit down. “So, how goes things since the loss?”
“I’m still annoyed at her,” said Marty. “She fights horrible monsters all day, but a little calamari is too much for her?”
“It was still moving Marty,” snapped Blossom. “How many times do I have to explain that to you?”
“I ate half of it,” said Marty. “You could have done the same.”
“IT WAS ALIVE!” yelled Blossom. “Would anyone eat that?”
“Considering it’s a South Korean delicacy, I’d say they do at the very least,” said Marty. “And actually, it wasn’t that bad.”
“You’re a fucking weirdo,” said Blossom. “I am totally out of here.” Before anyone could stop her, Blossom flew out through the roof, leaving a Blossom-shaped hole behind.
“Erm…should we go to That’s Gonna Leave a Mark?” asked Geoff.
“Well, seeing as our last guest just left, I guess we should,” said Bridgette.
“I’m still here though,” said Marty, just as the giant TV blocked him from view. “HEY!”

An animation plays for That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.
In the first scene, Wallace had just picked out Guatemala’s dish. “Huh, they’re just peppers,” said Wallace. “Can’t be that bad.”
“Says here they’re called the Merciless Pepper of Quetzalacatenango,” said Haruhi.
“Hey, I know those,” said Bart as Wallace took a bite. “They’re those really hot peppers that make people go insane.”
Wallace’s face suddenly lit up bright red, before belching out a fireball. “I see what you mean,” he said, before taking another bite.
In the second scene, Titan Eren was furiously pushing the raft as hard as he could, when one particularly brave shark swam up between his legs. The sudden shocked look on his face was very telling as to where he was bitten.
In the third scene, Jake and Rogue were talking. “Really? Does it work in reverse too?” asked Jake, leaning over to touch Rogue’s face.
“No, Jake, Sto…” started Rogue, as Jake’s fingers brushed her cheek. All of a sudden, Jake collapsed, hitting his head on a table on the way to the floor.
And in the last scene, Noodle stumbled out of the tunnel leading to the Grail Room, giggling like a school girl. What she didn’t notice as she stumbled around was the “Breath of God” swinging towards her…

The TV went back into the roof, some people still laughing at the video. “Not. Funny,” snarled Noodle, and everyone immediately shut up.
“And now for our last guests,” said Bridgette. “We just saw one of them get a concussion despite the other one’s protests, please welcome Jake and Rogue.” Jake and Rogue come out onstage and take a seat with the others. “So guys, how are you going?”
“Not bad,” said Jake, lounging on the seat.
“Kid, you cost us the win,” snapped Rogue.
“You live in a mansion,” said Jake. “I needed the money more than you, and you cost me the money by not telling me you could drain me.”
“Oh, you wanna see me drain you?” asked Rogue, taking her gloves off as though to strangle him.
“Well, I guess that’s all we have time for,” said Bridgette, stepping between them. “Thank you for reading, and good night.” The stage went dark, and a curtain covered the stage.

Meanwhile, on a deserted highway, a sign said it was five miles to the Aperture Science Laboratories. A large shadow fell over the sign. “Not much further to go then,” said the shadow, continuing down the road.

Chapter Text

Don appeared in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “Sabriel tried once again to tell someone about Light’s secret, but like always, he was stalking her enough to distract from the topic. Or did he? Katniss and Finn know there’s something up, but I decided to start the day’s challenge an hour early just to add to the drama.”
“You WHAT?!” yelled Sabriel.
“Hey, the show’s called Total Drama for a reason,” said Don. “Anyway, the challenge was to find the Holy Grail…”
“Holy solo cup,” called Wallace from somewhere off camera.
“Damn it Wallace, what have I told you about interrupting my intros?” demanded Don.
“If you didn’t want it to happen, you’d be in a soundproof booth, not standing on the edge of a publically accessible pier,” replied Wallace.
“…shut up,” said Don. “Anyway, Stifler and Arya unleashed their prize on the rest of the campers: an adorable bunny that kills people and has a taste for Kenny. Light and his crew figured out how to use this to their advantage, but it didn’t quite work, because Shaggy ruined it for himself and Noodle. Also, Stifler and Arya won again somehow, so they got a bungee cord.” The scene cut back to Don. “Who will bite the dust next? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

Sabriel was writing something down as fast as she could. “Mmf mmf?” asked Kenny.
“Not now Kenny, I’ve gotta get this done,” said Sabriel, not looking up. “I need to get this finished, so we can get the message to the others as quickly as possible.”
“Mmf, mmf mmf mmf,” said Kenny.
“That’s a good point, but…” started Sabriel, as Kenny held up his hand to stop her talking.
“Mmf mmf mmf mmf mmf,” explained Kenny. “Mmf mmf mmf, mmf mmf mmf mmf mmf. Mmf mmf mmf.”
“I don’t think that’s a good…” started Sabriel, but Kenny shook his head.
“Mmf mmf mmf mmf,” said Kenny. “Mmf mmf mmf mmf mmf.”
Sabriel thought for a moment. “I guess you’re right,” said Sabriel. “But I’ll still need to finish these. Then…” Sabriel looked around carefully. “Then I’ll deliver them.” Kenny glared at her for a moment, but soon realised what she was doing and left her in peace.

Ten minutes later, Sabriel emerged from her tent, and immediately ran into Gary.
“Hey, where are you off to in such a hurry?” asked Gary innocently.
“Get lost,” muttered Sabriel, heading off in the direction of Katniss’s tent.
“Oh, it’s that time of the month, is it?” asked Gary, before shrugging and heading off to meet up with his team.
“Did you get them?” asked Faith.
“Every one of them,” said Gary, holding up a bunch of letters. “And replaced them with our own ones.”
“Excellent,” said Light. “I assume they say nothing of help to anyone?”
“Come on Light, it’s me,” said Kathryn. “Why would I willingly tell them anything?”
“Just making sure,” said Light. “It was a good idea on her part, but I anticipated she might try something like this.”
“So, what’s the plan for getting rid of her?” asked Gary.
“We’ll have to figure it out when we know the challenge,” said Light. “Though seeing as Arya and Stifler have a bungee cord, I’d say we’ll be jumping from somewhere high.”
“Then we push them?” suggested Faith.
“Probably,” said Light. “We’ll wait and see.”
“Contestants, please meet at the top of the cliff in an hour for today’s challenge,” announced Don over the PA system.
“Looking more and more likely,” said Light, leading the others towards the cliff.

An hour later, the thirty eight remaining contestants were gathered at the top of the cliff. “Alright kids,” said Don. “Today’s challenge requires you to jump off this cliff…”
“So now we’re rehashing the actual show’s challenges?” asked Peter. “Let me guess, there’s a shark-free ring of water at the bottom?”
“How can you guarantee that ring is shark-free? Short of having a titanium cylinder around the area, the shark can just swim in there,” said Annabeth.
“Also, how do we get back to land if the rest of the water has sharks in it?” asked Artemis.
“Maybe because that’s not the challenge,” said Don. “Except the sharks may or may not be there. Can’t control those guys, especially the one with legs.”
“Oh yeah, Fang’s here,” said Max. “I remember that because he’s got that same name as…well…”
“Your boyfriend?” asked Zidane, causing Max to blush. “What does he think of the whole having wings thing?”
“His are bigger than mine,” muttered Max.
“Are you sure you guys aren’t angels?” asked Lyra.
“Nope, we’re definitely science experiments,” said Max. “Unless you actually mean Angel, but she’s a bratty little kid.”
“You know someone named Angel too? And she’s a girl?” asked Faith. “Oh, I’m so using that against my Angel when I see him next.”
“Can we get back on topic?” asked Don. “God, it feels like every episode we go on some random tangent just to make sure every character gets to say something.”
“Well, maybe if you just explained the challenge instead of letting us guess wildly about it, we wouldn’t be in this situation,” said Nora.
“Shh, you here that?” asked Don. “That’s the author crossing Nora’s name off a list of characters who need to say or do something. Now, the challenge: if you look over the cliff there, you’ll see a bunch of boxes along the cliff’s face. Your challenge is to get three of them, and get back to the top of the cliff to this safe zone.” Don indicated a ring of yellow carpet he was sitting in.
“Piece of cake,” said Max, flexing her wings.
“Ditto,” said Peter, cracking his knuckles.
“I…don’t have this,” said Patrick. “But Raven does.” Raven sighed in exasperation as a response.
“So, what? We have to climb down the cliff and carefully come back up?” asked Trunks.
“I don’t really care, as long as you get three boxes,” said Don. “Jump off, climb up and down, fly, whatever. Just so you know though: there are exactly enough boxes there for all but one team to come back with three, so the only team who can’t complete it will be leaving the contest.”
“Ugh, physical exercise,” moaned Wallace. “Guess we’re screwed Haruhi.”
“Damn it Wallace, I’ll win this myself if I have to,” said Haruhi.

“Okay kids, your time starts…now,” said Don. Stifler immediately attached the harness for his bungee cord, while Max, Raven, and Trunks flew off the edge of the cliff to find boxes. Peter fired a web and managed to hit a box, bringing it back up so he and Annabeth were on the board. Ash had Charizard fly down on his and Alice’s behalf. Chell fired portals into key locations to descend safely. Kim and Murtagh lowered themselves on Thorn, and Lyra did the same on a dragonified Pan. Most of the others with some kind of superpower immediately figured out how to tackle the challenge. And then there was Haruhi…
“You got this Haruhi,” called Wallace from the top of the cliff.
“This would be easier if you did something,” muttered Haruhi under her breath.
“Hey Haruhi,” said Light as he lowered himself down beside her. As Haruhi turned to face him, Light shoved her hard, causing her to lose her grip and plummet into the water below, to the shock of many of the contestants. Except for one…
“Hey Light,” said Wallace, climbing down the cliff beside Light. As Light turned to face him, Wallace punched him right in the nose, catching him offguard and almost causing him to lose his grip. The sound of Wallace’s fist connecting with Light’s face echoed around the island, and everyone stopped where they were in stunned silence at seeing Wallace resorting the physical violence.
“Wha…” started Light, as Wallace swung a leg around and kicked Light into the rocky cliff face.
“Light, it’s no secret I don’t like you,” said Wallace. “And in your time on this show, you’ve screwed with several people I care about, and I’ve done nothing about it. Partly because I wanted no part of your little war, and partly because no-one came to physical harm that they couldn’t handle. Haruhi isn’t one of the ones who should be in harm’s way. I don’t care what I have to do to beat you, but you’re going down motherfucker.” And with that, Wallace grabbed Light by the front of the shirt, and pushed him off the cliff into the water below, before grabbing a box and climbing back up to the top. Once there with his prize, he began walking down the hill towards the beach to check on Haruhi.

It was still several seconds before anyone said anything. “Holy shit,” was all Kouta could manage to say, before going back to the challenge.
“You said it,” said Louise, going back to face Timmy. “So, how do we get through this challenge? Wish for boxes to come to us?”
“That’s…kind of against the rules,” said Timmy. “But if I wish for…say…the rocks to slip out from under me and just happen to send us past three of the boxes, and we don’t necessarily manage to grab them, technically that’s not breaking any rules, right?”
There was a high pitching chiming sound, and suddenly the rocks formed a kind of rockslide down the cliff, sending Timmy past several boxes.
“Okay, about to get one,” called Faith to Gary. Before she could lay a hand on it, however, Timmy snatched it out of her way. “HEY! I was about to grab that.”
“Don’t worry, I’m about to get one,” said Gary, reaching for one just in front of him. But again, before he could touch it, Timmy snatched it away. “What is happening?”
“Err…luck?” suggested Timmy, grabbing a third box as he went past it. “Hey, what a coincidence, this rockslide gave me all three boxes. How cool is that?”
“What about the water?” asked Ayane as he shot past her.
“Man, I sure wish I had a boat to take me back to land,” said Timmy in a tone that sounded sarcastic. Despite that, a boat just happened to appear right where Timmy was going to land in the water, which immediately took him back to land and disappeared. “Okay, now I have to get back up there. Don’t suppose I can have an elevator?” The beach remained quiet and unchanged. “Thought so,” sighed Timmy, before beginning the long trek up.

“Nearly got it,” said Stifler, stretching as far as he could when he was all the way down, and just barely missing the box.
“Um, Stifler?” said Arya.
“Hold on, I’ve nearly got this,” said Stifler, trying again, and even managing to brush his fingertips across the top of it.
“Stifler?” said Arya.
“Not now kid,” said Stifler, jumping down again. This time, he managed to grab it…
…then lost his grip on it, dropping it down to the ocean below. “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!” yelled Stifler, before turning to Arya. “Okay, what is it that’s so important?”
“I’ve already got three boxes for us,” said Arya, holding them up for him.
“Oh…” said Stifler. “Well in that case…” Stifler and Arya began making their way back to Don.
As he made it back to the top of the hill, Timmy saw Stifler and Arya running back to Don. “Oh no you don’t,” he said. “I wish me and Louise had guided rocket skates.”
There was a magical chiming sound, and suddenly Timmy and Louise were flying towards Don. Stifler was about to make it to Don, when Timmy and Louise knocked him over. “WOO! We did it,” cheered Louise.
“Yes, you managed to come in second,” said Don.
“Wait what?” asked Timmy. “Then who came first?”
“Hey guys,” said Peter, holding up three web covered boxes.
“Annabeth, Peter, because you two got back first, you guys get to have an advantage in the next challenge,” said Don. “Since it’s fairly large and heavy however, the interns complained too much about lugging it up this hill just to have to carry it back down for the next challenge. So, you’ll get to see it an hour and a half before the next challenge, then decide how to utilise it.”
“Is it that, or does Kieran have no idea what to give us and is buying time by saying that so he doesn’t have to figure it out until after the next Kids Next Door chapter is finished?” asked Annabeth.
“Annabeth, please,” said Don. “He at least figures out the challenge when he gets to this part of the chapter. Speaking of which, how is everyone going?”
“I made a staircase down the cliff so I could get these,” said Edward, dropping three boxes in front of Don.
“And I managed to get this on my way down the cliff,” said Haruhi, holding up one box while Wallace held two. “YOU HEAR THAT LIGHT?! You threw me off a cliff and I still beat you.”
“Shut up,” said Light.
“What was that?” demanded Wallace.
“Nothing,” replied Light quickly.
“That’s what I thought,” said Wallace smugly. “Because everyone in my world has video games powers, and I’m as lazy as Sans. I’ll let you figure out what that means.”
“Do you actually have Sans powers?” asked Haruhi.
“That’s for Light to find out,” said Wallace.

“I’ve nearly got it,” said Saeko, reaching towards a box with the help of an ice bridge made by Gray.
“Except you don’t,” said Zuko, hurling a fireball at the bridge. Before it could hit though, a ball of ice hit it, which melted into water and disappeared before it could do any damage. “You think you can stop me Gray?”
“I didn’t do that,” said Gray.
“Of course you did,” said Zuko. “The only other person here with ice magic is Elsa, and she…”
“…did it,” said Elsa. Zuko stared at her in shock. “Your fight is against Gray, not Saeko. Leave her out of this.”
“But…” started Zuko, as an icicle appeared in his face.
“Leave Saeko out of this,” repeated Elsa.
“Yes m’am,” whimpered Zuko, only to hear Gray giggling at his expense. “Shut up Gray,” he said, throwing a fireball at him. Gray retaliated by throwing some of his ice magic at Zuko, causing both girls to facepalm at the stupidity.

Over time, the remaining contestants started to finish, leaving two teams. “Where is the last box?” snapped Faith. “Don said it would exist.”
“There it is,” called Bart, pointing to something floating in the water. He quickly jumped down the cliff after it.
“Oh no you don’t kid,” said Gary, throwing Bart aside as he climbed down towards the water. As he reached the bottom though, a large shark rose from the depths and swallowed the box. “Err, Don? We need a ruling. Do we still need the box, or…”
“Well, yeah. That’s kinda the point of the challenge,” said Don from the top of the cliff.
“Watch and learn babies,” said Hit-Girl diving off the cliff and straight at the shark. The shark saw her and smiled evilly, before opening its giant mouth wide.
“HIT-GIRL!” called Bart, as the purple haired child fell into the shark’s mouth, getting swallowed whole. “Don? Still sure about that ruling?”
“Of course,” said Don, as the shark’s chest burst, revealing Hit-Girl holding the box. “See?”
“Thank you very…” started Gary, about to take the box. Hit-Girl responded by holding her katana right in his face.
“How about no?” said Hit-Girl. “I killed a shark for it, I get to…” Before she could finish, Faith snuck up behind her and grabbed the box from her.
“Thank for retrieving this for us,” said Faith, as Hit-Girl turned to swing one of her swords at her. Unfortunately for the younger girl, the slayer was much faster than her, and anticipated the attack. “Like I said, thank...” Faith didn’t get to finish, because a rock shot out of nowhere and hit her in the head, causing her to drop the box. Hit-Girl turned to see Bart holding his slingshot.
“Don’t just stand there, grab the box and go,” said Bart, loading another rock and pointing it at Faith.
“Kid, you’re going to…” started Faith, but Bart loosed another rock at her. “You son of a…”
“Faith, worry about the box,” said Gary, grabbing Bart by the back of his shirt. “I’ll take care of…” As he was saying this, Bart wriggled out of his shirt, and turned to punch Gary in the crotch. “SON OF A…” Gary collapsed in a heap, clutching his aching balls.

Hit-Girl was running up the hill as quickly as she could, but Faith was quickly catching her. Bart tried to get her, but Faith was dodging his every attack. Hit-Girl managed to reach the top of the hill, but before she could get much closer, Faith grabbed the box out of her hand. “Sorry kid, but it’s all about me today,” said Faith, crossing the finish line.
“It would be,” said Don. “Except you both need to be here.”
“What?!” yelled Faith, as Bart knocked the box out of her hand and crossed the line with Hit-Girl. “NOOOO!!!”
“No…” gasped Kathryn.
“Damn it…” whispered Light.
“Yes, Gary and Faith, you guys are going home,” said Don.
“I object,” said Gary, hobbling to the top of the hill. “Timmy cheated.”
Everyone glanced between Timmy and Gary, wondering what was about to happen. Timmy seemed to be sweating quite heavily, but didn’t say anything. “Quite the accusation,” remarked Don. “Do you have the proof to back that up?”
“That landslide he was in,” said Gary. “It just so HAPPENED to send him past three boxes, which he collected and stayed in because of it? There’s no way he was that lucky. And then there was the boat that just happened to appear?”
“Ever heard of coincidence?” asked Don. “Sometimes freaky things just happen Gary, and Timmy just got lucky.”
“Yeah Gary,” said Timmy. “Get over it, you lost.”
“It’s true, I swear,” insisted Gary.
“And when you have actual evidence, I might bring you back into the show,” said Don, as the Lame-o-sine pulled up next to them. “Faith, Gary, your ride awaits.”

“Light, Kathryn, forget Sabriel,” said Gary as he was led into the back of the car. “Timmy’s up to something. Find out what it is, and stop him.”
“Come on Gary,” said Faith, slipping into the backseat next to him. “It’s over for us. Light, Kathryn, kick some ass for us.”
“Yes ma’am,” said Kathryn, saluting the two of them as they were driven away. “At least we still have your secret weapon up your sleeve.”
“You mean Ryuk the Shinigami?” asked Katniss, holding up a note.
“…what?” asked Light, completely stunned.
“It’s all here in these notes that Sabriel gave us,” said Finn.
“But…but we switched those,” said Light.
“I saw that,” said Alice. “But then…actually, I think Sabriel wants to tell it.”
“You didn’t think I’d see Gary sneaking around outside my tent?” asked Sabriel. “He wasn’t exactly being subtle. So, I made copies of the notes, and had Kenny deliver the copies after I delivered your fake ones.” Light stared at her in stunned silence. “Not used to being one-upped I see. Stunned silence is a good look for you.”
“That is something I did not see coming,” said Don. “But you know what I do see coming? People complaining about that foreshadowed spoiler in episode 1. And also, the next episode of Total Drama Couples. See you guys then.”

Chapter Text

Don appeared in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “Sabriel decided to make a last ditch effort to get past Light and his team. And it actually worked for once, making the kid who’s prepared for anything not prepared for something. You know what else he wasn’t prepared for? The loss of Faith and Gary, who ended up losing last week’s challenge when Timmy got lucky and snatched the boxes out from under them. And then Bart and Hit-Girl fought their way to victory against them, and won. Seriously, they’re one of the youngest teams here, and they beat two much older teens, one with actual powers? What the hell were those two doing?” The scene cut back to Don. “Who’s going to crash and burn this time? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

Light paced in his tent while Kathryn watched. “It’s okay,” he said to himself. “All we have to do is recruit someone else to replace Faith and Gary.”
“Really? Who?” asked Kathryn. “Last I checked, every team had at least one member that hated us. And after what you did to Haruhi, anyone who didn’t hate you does.”
“Timmy and Louise,” said Light. “They don’t know us that well. Maybe we could…”
“Gary and Faith told us to watch out for them,” said Kathryn. “And there is something odd about them. I wouldn’t trust them if I were you.”
“Hmm…” thought Light aloud. “Okay, let’s not do anything until we know more about them. During today’s challenge, we observe them, figure out if what Gary said about them means anything. If so, we decide what to do about it. In the meantime, most of the others can’t even see Ryuk, and even if they could, Alice can’t see what he’ll do, so…”
“Um, Light?” said Ryuk, pointing towards the door of their tent. Light and Kathryn looked over to see Zidane, holding the death note in his hand.
“So, this is Ryuk, is it?” asked Zidane. “Not as intimidating as I thought a death god would be.”
“You know I can kill you with a few pen strokes, right?” asked Ryuk.
“How did you get that?” demanded Light. “I was wearing that under a corset.”
“You’re wearing a corset?” came a voice from outside. Zidane opened the flap of the tent to reveal most of the other contestants.
“What is this?” asked Light.
“Consider this the great equaliser,” said Alice, taking the notebook from Zidane. She looked up to see Ryuk floating before her. “So you’re the thing causing havoc with my future sight.”
“Only because Light bribed me, not because I wanted to help him,” said Ryuk. “I’d as soon kill him, but his antics amuse me, so I let him do as he will.”
“Good to know,” said Alice, passing the death note to Katniss. One by one, each of the contestants handed the notebook to each other, seeing Ryuk floating before them. When the notebook reached Alice again, she held it out to Light.
“What’s to stop me from just writing each of your names in the notebook, killing you all?” asked Light.
“You’re human. I can see what you’re doing,” said Alice. “You try, I’ll take you out myself. And as Ryuk said, he’s only letting you control him when it suits him, so I don’t have to worry about him. And you can’t even kill me, I’m already dead. So, have fun being beaten later.”
“Later is now,” said Don over the loudspeakers. “Annabeth and Peter, meet me behind the Mess Hall to set up your advantage. You’ll know where. Everyone else, meet us there in thirty minutes.”
Annabeth turned to her left to see Don standing there. “Did you need to announce that? Everyone is right here.”
“It’s tradition,” said Don. “Come on, we have a challenge to set up.”

Half an hour later, the rest of the cast walked around the back of the Mess Hall, and saw what Don meant when he said they’d know where to go. Before them stood eighteen giant pillars arranged in three rows of six, all with a platform balancing on top of them, except for one that had Annabeth and Peter standing on it. Their one had an additional four pillars holding it up.
“Did Annabeth’s comment about an all-out brawl just become a reality?” asked Wallace.
“Kind of,” said Don, standing before them. “We considered it, but then the first one out would be the loser, and it wouldn’t be as exciting to see who’s going home. So, we changed it slightly. Instead, you just have to stop these plates from breaking.” Don held up a fragile looking plate for the contestants to see.
“How many exactly?” asked Haruhi.
“Pick a platform and find out,” said Don. Each of the teams immediately headed to one of the eighteen stations they’d be competing from, and ascended a staircase to the top.
“Oh, come on. Really?” asked Edward, staring at all the plates placed randomly across the platform.
Nora took one step onto their platform, and immediately it started to wobble. “How are we even supposed to keep this balanced?” asked Nora.
“That’s for you to figure out,” said Don, as some of the contestants carefully navigated their way around their platforms. “Your challenge is not so much to be the last one standing, but to break as many of your competition’s plates as possible while protecting your own plates from breaking. Once you’re off, you’re out, however you don’t necessarily go home if you’re the first one out. Your performance is purely based on how much of your stuff survives, and to what extent.”
“What’s to stop us from just jumping off at the start, leaving our stuff here unscathed?” asked Hit-Girl.
“Because the game doesn’t end until there’s one team left,” said Don. “Which means, all the stuff still on your platform is unguarded, and vulnerable to being attacked.”
“…Guess we’re staying put until the end then,” said Bart.
“Oh, I am so glad I picked this spot,” said Zuko, looking at Gray and Saeko on the next platform over.
“Question,” said Elsa. “What happens if the last two of us are a long way from each other?”
“You only go out once you hit the ground,” said Don. “You can board other contestant’s platforms if you wish, both before and after they’re out.”
“Fine by me,” said Gray, glaring over at Zuko.
“Why do I feel like we’re going to be caught in the crossfire of this?” asked Saeko.
“Just stand back and let them do their thing,” said Elsa. “It’ll get messy otherwise.”

Meanwhile, in one of the corners of the battlefield…
“I take it you picked this one for a reason?” asked Kathryn.
“We’re not exactly the most well liked people in this competition,” said Light. “The less people in our immediately vicinity, the better.”
“And yet, look at your closest neighbours,” called Ash from a platform next to them.
“Don’t worry, we’ll go easy on you for a little while,” said Finn from their other immediately neighbouring platform.
“Speak for yourself,” said Kim. “I still haven’t forgiven you for that kiss in season 1.”
“Come on Kim, that was five years ago,” said Light.
“Do you forgive people who were complete assholes to you?” asked Murtagh.
“You stay out of this,” snapped Kathryn.
“Did you forget I have a dragon that’s more than willing to do quite a bit of damage on my behalf?” asked Murtagh.
I’m ready when you are, Thorn said into all their minds.

“Okay guys, the challenge begins now,” said Don, firing a starting pistol.
Light started the challenge by stripping off his jacket and shirt and wrapping as many items as he could grab in them. “Come on Kathryn, help me get these protected,” said Light, making sure a plate was secure in his shirt.
“Um, Light?” said Kathryn. “They’re not even attacking us.”
Light looked up to see all three of the nearby teams facing away from them, battling against the other teams. “Hey, what gives?”
“Well, you and Kathryn can’t do anything from there,” said Murtagh. “And Thorn’s sitting right next to you.”
“Not to mention I have Snorlax on standby to Body Slam your pillar if that doesn’t work,” called Ash, ordering his Totodile to Headbutt Stifler and Arya’s platform.
“Basically, you’re not a threat to us,” said Finn, deflecting an incoming rock from Bart. “So, we’re going to leave you until last, when we can decimate you and hopefully eliminate you.”
Light and Kathryn stared at them for a moment, before realising they were right. There wasn’t much they could do from their current location. The nearest people to them could take them down in a heartbeat, and Light didn’t have any apples to give you Ryuk. “I hope you have a Plan B,” said Kathryn.
“Not yet,” said Light. “But I might be able to do something. We just need to get rid of some of them.”
“Preferably Alice,” said Kathryn. “She knows what you’re planning.”
“Murtagh would also be preferable to get rid of,” said Light. “But there’s no way either of us are taking them out in a physical confrontation. Katniss and Finn we might stand something resembling a chance against.”
“So how do we get that?” asked Kathryn.
“We wait,” said Light. “As they said, we’re not a threat, and that’s what we’ll be. But we can prepare for later by protecting as many of our breakables as possible.”
“Sounds like a plan,” said Kathryn. “But I’m not taking off my dress to do it. That’s for later.”
“Oh…?” asked Light, but Kathryn was already working on protecting their stuff. Light shrugged his shoulders and got to work.

Meanwhile, Zuko and Gray were hurling fire and ice at each other. Elsa spent all her time freezing every plate she could get her hands on, while also trying to make a nice soft patch of snow for everything to land on should (or, more accurately, when) things went south. The problem was, Zuko’s fire kept melting her handiwork, and was making their platform dangerously slippery. Still, Elsa intended to keep things from deteriorating as much as she could.

Elsewhere, Timmy apparently managed to get some bubble wrap off the internet, and was using it to cover everything with Louise.
“This is boring,” said Louise, popping some of the bubble wrap rather than using it for wrapping. “Can’t we smash these yet?” As she was speaking, one of the plates slipped out of her hand and was falling towards the ground fast.
“I wish the spot under that plate was made of marshmallows,” said Timmy quickly. As if by magic, the plate landed in a large marshmallow embedded in the floor of their platform. “That was close. Louise, we can’t afford to have anything happen to these, otherwise we’ll be kicked out.”
Louise sighed in frustration. “Fine,” she snapped. “But I’m smashing these as soon as we’ve finished the challenge. Protecting things and making them safe is making me feel sick.”
“It’s just lucky no-one saw that,” said Timmy, looking up to see Peter staring at him. “Uh oh.”
“Awfully lucky there, aren’t you?” said Peter. “You’re not related to Domino are you?”
“I don’t know who that is,” said Timmy.
“Just some superhero I know,” said Peter. “Her superpower is luck.”
“That’s not a power,” said Timmy.
“Try telling her that,” said Peter. “Or Deadpool for that matter. That jerk who replaced me with another Peter who just so happened to see an ad.”
“Stop referencing something Kieran has only just seen,” said Annabeth.
“Sorry,” said Peter, before pulling Annabeth aside. “But keep an eye on them. Not sure if you know this, but wooden planks don’t normally turn into marshmallow.”
“My mother is the goddess of wisdom and handicraft. I know that’s not how it works,” snapped Annabeth.

“You know, you could have won this for us by now,” said Ayane.
“Where’s the fun in that?” asked Trunks. “Besides, I could potentially destroy way more than just the breakables if I went all out. But I can do this.” Without moving from his spot, or even turning around, Trunks caught a rock launched at him by Bart, and threw it backwards, smashing one of their plates.
“It’d be easier the other way,” muttered Ayane, deflecting a stray ice block from Gray and Saeko’s platform.

“Mmf mmf mmmfmf,” said Kenny.
“I know, but we ended up in a middle platform,” said Sabriel. “So, now we have to wait while the others take each other out. My shield spell should protect us while we wait for less competition.”
“An interesting idea,” said Artemis from the next platform. “Perhaps I can ruin it. Chell?”
Chell fired a portal at Kanny and Sabriel’s platform, and to the shock (of Kenny and Sabriel) and delight (of Artemis), a blue circle appeared on the ground. Chell fired the orange portal onto the floor of their platform, and Artemis jumped through it.
“What do you think you can do?” asked Sabriel, one hand on her sword. “There’s no way you can stand up to both of us.”
“I don’t have to fight you,” said Artemis. “I just have to unbalance you.” Artemis smiled menacingly as he started to wobble the platform, enough to make a couple of the plates fall. Kenny dived and caught a couple of them, but then a large one fell on its side, slicing through his neck.
“Oh great, now I’ve got to deal with that too,” said Sabriel, more annoyed than angry.
“And while his head’s rolling around unbalancing your platform, I’ll take my leave,” said Artemis, running back to the portal. “Sorry about killing Kenny.” And with that, he headed back through the portal, which immediately closed back up.
Sabriel sighed heavily in frustration as the platform fell to the ground. As it did, she grabbed as many of the plates as she could, and shoved them under her clothes, landing so she would take the brunt of the fall.
“Well guys, looks like you’re the first ones out,” said Don. “But like I said, your performance is based on plate condition, not placement. So, let’s see them.”
Sabriel slowly removed the plates from her clothes while Don collected ones that saved themselves by embedding themselves in Kenny. “Well, most are pretty well protected,” said Don. “About a dozen broken ones, and about ten covered in blood, I’ll give you a score of 83%.”
“I’ll take it,” said Sabriel.
“Excellent. Now, let’s see how everyone else is doing,” said Don, turning to see Arya and Stifler fall down.

“I told you to stay still,” said Arya, angrily brushing herself off.
“Why? You had your hands full trying to fend off that demon chick,” said Stifler.
“Half-demon,” snapped Raven from above them.
“Do you really think he, of all people, cares?” asked Patrick.
“He will when I’m through with him,” muttered Raven.
“Worry about that after we don’t fall,” said Patrick, as Trunks casually nudged their platform, knocking it over. “Or during. That works too.” Raven sighed as she used her powers to soften the fall of as many plates as she could. However, there were too many for her, so a couple hit the ground before she could do anything.
“Hey, 95% is still a good score,” said Don after he graded them. “In fact, you’re winning right now. You might even win the whole thing.”
“What about us?” asked Katniss, as she and Finn hit the ground.
“Good question: where are your plates?” asked Don.
“Finn? If you would,” said Katniss. Finn smiled and nodded, before carefully taking off his hat and removing the plates from his extremely long blond hair.
“Jeez kid, have you heard of a haircut?” asked Don, checking the plates. “Seriously? None of these are damaged?”
“One of the benefits of having long hair,” said Finn proudly.
Don sighed. “Alright, fine, you guys are winning for now. But really, do you honestly expect someone to figure out a way to take out Annabeth and Peter?”
“Watch and learn,” said Artemis. “Chell, fire a portal at the bottom of that pillar, and the other on this plate.” Chell did as he said, and everyone watched in amazement as one of Peter and Annabeth’s extra pillars came out of the plate. Artemis aimed it at one of the other pillars, and knocked it out from under the other team. “Another one bites the dust.”
“Is that allowed?” asked Lyra.
“It’s Don. It’s allowed,” said Kouta.
“I at least kept to the ground to give you guys a fighting chance,” said Max.
“Still would have preferred the aerial support,” muttered Zidane.
Don sighed. “Okay, fine,” he said. “It looks like everyone else has lost at least one plate, so Katniss and Finn win this challenge. As a reward, you get to pick first in the next challenge.”
“Is it me, or do you not like giving us our reward on the day of the challenge?” asked Finn.

Over time, more and more of the teams were eliminated. Soon, only two teams were left. Elsa eventually managed to freeze all the plates protectively, as well leave enough soft snow at the bottom for when they fell. Gray was laughing at Zuko’s efforts to fight him.
“Seriously man, your fire can’t be that hot,” said Gray. “I mean, look at all the ice on your platform. You can’t melt any of it.”
“I’d rather not ruin all of Elsa’s handiwork for helping us win,” said Zuko.
“Or you just can’t,” taunted Gray.
“Alright, that’s it,” snapped Zuko, powering up a fireball. “This ends today. One way or the other, one of us goes out today.”
“Fine by me,” said Gray, charging an ice ball.
“Uh, guys?” asked Saeko. “You know this is about the condition of the plates, right?”
“Well then, I have nothing to worry about then,” said Zuko, his fireball growing larger. “Elsa already saved those for us.”
“Actually, Zuko…” started Elsa, looking at their frozen plates.
“Hush Elsa,” said Zuko. “I’m about to win this for us.”
“Settle down Zuko,” said Elsa, but Zuko wasn’t paying attention to her now.
“FREEZE!” yelled Gray, throwing his ice ball.
“BURN!” yelled Zuko, throwing his fireball. The two balls of power collided in the air. Gray’s ice ball was bigger than Zuko’s fire, but was melting fast from the heat of the attack.
Gray pushed as hard as he could, until he saw Zuko take a step back. Gray could see Zuko straining to keep his feet, but was struggling to hold him back. Gray pushed with the last of his strength, and managed to throw Zuko back, knocking him and Elsa off their pillar. The two of them hit the ground, along with dozens of plates. “I…did it…” said Gray, collapsing. “I won…the challenge…”
“Except you didn’t,” said Don, holding up a broken plate. “Seriously dude, the challenge was to protect your plates against everyone else.”
“Oh…” said Gray, realisation finally hitting him. “But we didn’t come last, did we?”
Don looked through their plates carefully. “I’d say about 60% of your plates survived,” he said. “Not great, but not last.”
“How about us?” asked Zuko from the ground. “We survived, right? Elsa froze our stuff so it’d be protected.”
“Um, Zuko?” said Elsa. “You were a little preoccupied with your fight, so you didn’t notice that your flames melted the ice.”
“WHAT?!” snapped Zuko, staring at the damage around them. Sure enough, every single plate had been destroyed. “But…that means…”
“Sorry kids,” said Don, walking up to them. “I enjoyed your bickering with Gray, it really got the ratings in for us, but I’m afraid I can’t bend the rules for you.” The Lame-o-sine pulled up beside them. “On the plus side, you’re both royalty, so you didn’t really need the money.”
“You’re a queen?” asked Zuko.
“You’re a king?” asked Elsa.
“More of a lord, but yeah,” said Zuko, climbing into the car. “How did this never come up?”
“You never asked,” said Elsa, following him in. The Lame-o-sine drove away with the newly eliminated contestants.
“And with that, another pair are out of the competition,” said Don. “Who’s next on the chopping block? Find out next time on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appeared in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “Alice decided Light wasn’t allowed to have Ryuk as a secret weapon anymore, so she got Zidane to steal the death note and have everyone touch it, revealing him. Not that it would do anything, the guy can go through walls, and can decide whether or not he wants you to be able to touch him…he’s doing that right now, isn’t he?”
“Hey, how often do you see something’s arm go through someone on TV without it being special effects?” asked Ryuk, waving his arm to the camera which was sticking out through Don’s chest.
“Please stop that,” said Don. “I can’t feel it, but it still somehow feels very uncomfortable.”
“That’s just your body realising that something’s in it that should be solid but isn’t,” said Ryuk, withdrawing his arm. “Another minute or so and your body would have tricked itself into believing my arm was solid, and…well, let’s say things would get a little messy.”
“…Please leave,” said Don. Ryuk laughed to himself as he flew away. “Ahem, where was I? Oh yeah: our challenge was to balance plates on unbalanced platforms, unless you were Annabeth and Peter, though Artemis made short work of them. In the end, Katniss and Finn won their second challenge in this competition, and get to choose something to help them win today’s challenge.” The scene cuts back to Don. “Who’s going to burn out this time around? Find out now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“So, what’s the verdict?” asked Kathryn. “Do we recruit Louise and Timmy, or work against them?”
“It’s a difficult question,” said Light. “There’s something not right about them.” Light picked up a piece of wood surrounding a slab of marshmallow. “This is from their platform from the last challenge. How did they do this? There is no scientific explanation for it.”
“Like there’s a scientific explanation for Shinigami holding diaries that kill people?” asked Kathryn.
“Not the point,” said Light. “Gary was right, there’s something off about them. We can’t trust them until we know what it is.”
“Which is why I have this,” said Kathryn, pulling out an apple. “Oh, Ryuk?” Nothing happened. “Ryuk?”
“Sorry, just got back from taunting Don,” said Ryuk, flying through the wall of their tent. “What do you need?”
“Any information you might have about Timmy and/or Louise,” said Kathryn, throwing him the apple. “Specifically, how they keep having such good luck in challenges.”
“Oh, that,” said Ryuk. “I’m afraid under the rules of the supernatural world that I can’t divulge that information. However, there is nothing that says you can’t find out for yourself.”
“That’s not an answer,” said Kathryn, trying to grab the apple back. Ryuk lifted it above her head and swallowed it whole. “HEY! You didn’t earn that.”
“And you didn’t ask me anything I can answer,” said Ryuk, licking his fingers. “If you can figure out what makes them special, I can tell you everything I know. Until then, that’s all I can do.”
“That will be enough, Ryuk,” said Light. “The fact that it’s something supernatural is a good start. Now we need to keep a very close eye on them.”
“Leave that to me,” said Kathryn, winking at Light.

Listening from some nearby bushes, Timmy and Louise crouch back down. “Looks like we have a problem,” said Louise.
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t be bringing attention to yourselves,” said Wanda, appearing out of nowhere.
“It’s okay,” said Timmy. “All we have to do is not come last in challenges for a little while. That should throw them off the trail, and we’ll be safe again, right?”
“You’d better hope so,” said Wanda. “Because you’re just lucky Ryuk is bound to not tell them anything right now. Otherwise you’d be in big trouble.”
“So, do you guys know that Ryuk guy?” asked Louise.
“Know him? He was my college roommate,” said Cosmo, appearing next to his wife. “That guy was a party animal back at Fairy Academy, before he got caught up with that whole death god crew. Then it was all evil and darkness and playing My Chemical Romance songs until four in the morning. But the old him must still be in there, he was happy to mess with Don for old time’s sake.”
“You didn’t make a bet with him, did you?” asked Wanda.
“Don’t worry, he only accepts payments of apples,” said Cosmo. “By the way, you don’t happen to have four hundred and eighty seven apples lying around, do you?”
Wanda just shook her head in disappointment. “Still the same man-child I married,” she muttered.

“Contestants, gather outside the Mess Hall for today’s challenge,” said Don over the loudspeaker.
“We finally get to see what our prize is,” said Finn, leading the way to the meeting point.
“Hopefully we don’t screw it up like last time,” said Katniss, following him.
“I already know what the challenge is,” said Alice smugly.
“Care to enlighten us?” asked Katniss.
“Nah, it’s more fun to see your reaction from Don,” said Alice. “Plus, he threatened to throw me off the show if I decided to spoil things.”
“Then why’d you tell me to make sure I had Tauros for this challenge?” asked Ash.
“I didn’t actually tell you what the challenge was, just how to prepare for it,” said Alice.

A bit later, the contestants all gather in front of a large curtain. “Welcome to this week’s challenge,” said Don, standing in front of the curtain. “Would Finn and Katniss like to join me up here to claim their prize?”
“This better be good,” said Katniss, joining Don in front of the others.
“I think you’ll like it,” said Don, pulling away the curtain to reveal a wide variety of vehicles. “Today’s challenge is a race, with each of you using one of these. You two get first choice since you won the last challenge.”
“Are you kidding?” asked Finn. “That’s a Lamborghini. We’re taking that.”
“Uh, Finn?” started Katniss.
“Excellent choice, and exactly what I thought you’d pick,” said Don, throwing him the keys. “Everyone else gets to fight over what’s left.”
“Wait a second,” said Katniss. “I don’t know how to drive, and I’m pretty sure Finn doesn’t either.”
“Of course I don’t,” said Finn. “I’m from a post-apocalyptic future where cars don’t exist anymore.”
“And yet, the awesomeness of Lamborghini is still well known,” noted Wallace.
“But why don’t you know how to drive?” asked Finn.
“The same reason you don’t,” said Katniss.
“And just like that, the whole challenge has been equalised,” said Don. “Everyone else, pick a vehicle.”
“Hey Ash, you get those Tauros like I asked?” asked Alice, sitting in the back of a chariot.
“So that’s what you needed them for,” said Ash, sending out two of his Tauros so they could attach them to it.

“Oh baby,” said Bart, claiming the tank.
“There’s no way you know how to drive that,” said Hit-Girl.
“Of course I do,” said Bart. “I actually did drive one once. And shot a satellite out of the sky with it.”
Hit-Girl stared at him in amazement. “I love you so much right now,” she said.
“What?” asked Bart.
“Nothing. Let’s go,” said Hit-Girl, jumping into the tank. Bart shrugged his shoulders and followed her in.

“Is this a Rolls Royce?” asked Artemis, standing next to a nice looking car.
“Specifically, this is Chris’s Rolls Royce,” said Don. “After his death, it was repossessed by the IRS, but then the studio bought it back, which they allowed as long as we trash the thing.”
“I guess we can do something bad to it,” said Artemis, holding out his hand for the keys. He turned around to see Chell aiming her portal gun at the ground in front of the car. “Not yet Chell. Wait for the race to start.” Chell slumped her shoulders, but relaxed her aim.

“Why is there a broom here?” asked Light.
“Because Lucius Malfoy donated that so his son could win this challenge,” said Don. “Guess he didn’t anticipate he’d be eliminated before that.”
“Now all Kathryn needs is green skin and some warts and the image is complete,” said Max.
“I will hit you, bird bitch,” snapped Kathryn.
“Max, don’t provoke her yet,” said Zidane, pulling her away. “Wait until we’re passing them in the race.”
“You’ve picked something good for us?” asked Max.
“Absolutely,” said Zidane, indicating what he picked. “What do you think?”
“Zidane,” said Max. “That is a motorboat.”
“Yeah? So?” asked Zidane.
“This is a land race,” said Max.
“Look, just do the driving, I’ll do the rest,” said Zidane.
Max sighed heavily. “Guess we’re going home this time,” she said.

“DOGGIES!” yelled Nora, running up to a sled being pulled by a pack of huskies.
“I guess we’re using this then,” said Edward, following her.
“What do you think Haruhi?” asked Wallace, indicating what he chose.
“A hot air balloon?” asked Haruhi.
“Pretty awesome right?” asked Wallace.
“Do you know how to fly one?” asked Haruhi.
“We’re about to find out,” said Wallace, climbing into the basket.
Haruhi sighed. “Hey Sabriel, any chance you can get ready to bring us back when Wallace inevitably kills us?” she asked.
“Can do,” said Sabriel, sitting next to Kenny in a model of The Flintstone’s car, complete with lack of engine.
“And us too?” asked Arya, nodding towards Stifler and the thing he chose for them.
“Hey, you gotta admit, it looks pretty cool,” said Stifler, patting the Da Vinci Aerial Screw. “We’ll just fly over the rest of the competition.”
“I don’t know what that is, but I doubt it can actually fly,” said Arya.

“Timmy, look what I got,” said Louise, holding up their mode of transport.
“Stilts?” asked Timmy.
“Pretty cool right?” asked Louise.
“There’s only one pair,” said Timmy.
“Well, obviously,” said Louise. “Otherwise how are you supposed to carry me?”
“But I’ve never used stilts before,” said Timmy. “Heck, I don’t even know how I’m going to get up there.”
“We’ll help you with that,” said Trunks, picking up Timmy and Louise with ease. “Ayane, hold them up for me.”
“Still think we’d be better off without our vehicle,” said Ayane, holding up the stilts for them.
“Why? What did you guys get?” asked Timmy as Trunks helped him into position.
“That,” said Trunks, pointing to the ice cream truck below them.
“You got that? Timmy, why didn’t you get that for us?” asked Louise.
“Because you already picked the stilts for us,” said Timmy. “Which, I’d like to reiterate, I have no idea how to use.”
“Well, you’re gonna have to learn quickly,” said Louise.
“Good luck guys,” said Trunks, going back to the truck.
“Gee, I sure wish I could learn how to use stilts really quickly,” said Timmy. There was a ringing sound, and suddenly the stilts were pink and green.
“Ayane,” said Trunks. “Is it my imagination, or did the stilts suddenly change colour? And gain a power level?”
Ayane pulled out the scouter she’d been given and focused on the stilts. “Wow, that’s a pretty high power level,” she said. “It’s almost more than yours.”
“How did he do that?” asked Trunks. “It’s not like he has fairy godparents or something. That would be ridiculous.”
“Do you think he has two death notes?” asked Ayane.
“I doubt it,” said Trunks. “The power levels are close, but Ryuk has never shown to be capable of shapeshifting.”
“Guess we should keep an eye on it,” said Ayane, focusing on the race ahead of them.

“I got us a horse,” said Patrick. “Do you know how to ride one?”
“I’m a half-demon with telepathic powers,” said Raven. “It’ll do what I say, or else…” The horse, upon hearing that, whinnied nervously.
“At least you have something that will move without you needing to do anything,” said Annabeth. “SOMEONE decided we should use a pogo stick.”
“I shot a web, and grabbed the first thing it touched,” said Peter. “How is this my fault?”
“Because there was a motorbike and a go-kart either side of it,” said Annabeth. “How did you miss them and get arguably the skinniest thing available?”
“If nothing else, I’m super accurate, and can hit small targets,” said Peter.
“Hey, I’m not complaining,” said Kouta, sitting behind the wheel of the go-kart.
“Neither am I,” said Gray, sitting on the motorbike.
“Damn it Kouta, why couldn’t you get us that?” asked Lyra.
“Because he’d already sat his naked butt on the seat,” said Saeko.
“Aww, come on, again?” asked Gray, looking down to see that he was, in fact, naked again.

“Which leaves Murtagh and Kim to complete the course on foot,” said Don.
“What do you think Thorn’s for?” asked Murtagh.
“I never said that was allowed,” said Don.
“You also didn’t say it wasn’t allowed,” said Kim.
Also, I’m extension of Murtagh’s consciousness, said Thorn. Technically, I’m a part of him, and therefore using me isn’t against the rules.
“Pretty sure Pan’s the only one who can claim that, and even he’s playing by the rules,” said Don.
“Come on Don,” said Kim. “You’re letting Ash use his Tauros.”
“Well, who else is supposed to pull that thing?” asked Don. “It’s not like he has a partner with superhuman strength and spee…oh, wait a minute.”
“I was going to correct you, but I thought it would be funnier to make you realise what an idiot you were,” teased Alice.
“Fuck it, use the dragon,” said Don. “We’re seven pages in and haven’t even started the challenge yet. The course will take you on a loop around the island. To make sure you don’t cheat, there are three checkpoints where you must collect a token. First one back with all three wins.”
“Didn’t the end of Total Drama Island reveal this is just a set piece?” asked Annabeth.
“Didn’t later seasons retcon that?” asked Peter.
“Didn’t I say shut the hell up and start?” asked Don. “Because if not, then shut the hell up and start.” Immediately, sixteen teams took off, at varying degrees of speed. The other one, however…
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive?” asked Finn.
“I’ll be fine,” said Katniss. “Now, where do you put the key?”
“We’re gonna lose, aren’t we?” asked Finn.

Meanwhile, amazingly not in last…
“I don’t know how you’re doing it, but we’re actually moving,” said Max. “A boat is moving on land.”
“It’s simple Max,” said Zidane. “I stole the ground in front of the boat until there was a path for us, and I’m continuing to steal the dirt as we reach it so we can continue moving.”
“…There’s a massive flaw in your logic, I know there is,” said Max. “But we’re not last, so it’s better if I don’t think about it.”

Meanwhile, out in the lead…
“I don’t think that car was made for speed,” Saeko across to the team next to her.
“Hey, I’m happy with that, as long as we’re not last,” said Artemis. “And since we’re against pogo sticks and stilts, I think we’ll be okay.”
“Well, don’t destroy it,” said Gray. “Those things are expensive.”
“I can probably afford it,” said Artemis. “Plus, it was Chris’s so who cares?”
“Chris’s, huh?” asked Gray. “Well, in that case…” Gray summoned some ice, and threw it in front of the Rolls Royce. Chell and Artemis began swerving all over the course.
“Sorry, but I need my revenge on Chris too,” said Saeko, drawing her katana and stabbing it through one of the tyres.
“Hey, come on, this isn’t Mario Kart,” said Artemis. “That was in season 2.”
“Speak for yourself,” said Patrick, throwing a blue turtle shell in front of him.
“You guys are in trouble,” said Alice as they went past.
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said Artemis. “Chell? If you would.”
Chell leaned out the window, and fired a portal further down the track, as well as one under the car. The car fell through the portal, and then appeared out the other side. As soon as they came out the second portal, Chell fired yet another portal further down the track, so when their car fell through it, they were still moving down the road.
“Oh…this was a bad idea,” said Artemis, looking visibly sick.

“I can’t believe this thing is actually flying,” said Arya.
“It *huff* would be *huff* easier *huff* if you *huff* helped out *huff* a bit,” said Stifler, struggling to breathe.
“Nah, I’m good,” said Arya, sitting back and relaxing. Suddenly, the craft began to rock. “Hey, keep it steady.”
“That *huff* wasn’t *huff* me,” wheezed Stifler.
Arya looked out to their right to see Kim and Murtagh flying past on their enormous dragon. “HEY! Watch where you’re flying.”
I’m bigger. You should make room for me, said Thorn.
“I wonder if I can borrow Daenerys’s dragons for a little while,” muttered Arya. “Just until Thorn learns some manners.”
“There’s the first checkpoint,” said Murtagh. “Prepare to land Thorn.”
“No need,” said Kim, carefully climbing down Thorn’s side. “Just get low enough and I’ll do the rest.”
Murtagh smiled. “For a human, you’re pretty daring. Even other immortals wouldn’t try something like that.”
“It comes with the whole ‘crime-fighting cheerleader’ thing,” said Kim, hanging upside down from Thorn’s foot. As the checkpoint got closer, Kim put her hand out and grabbed a token on the way past. “GOT IT!”
“Alright Thorn, to the next checkpoint,” called Murtagh, as Thorn picked up the pace.
“That does present an interesting problem,” said Haruhi. “How do we get the tokens without landing and taking off over and over again? Doing that is going to slow us down.”
“Haruhi, I’m not sure if you noticed, but we’re only three feet off the ground,” said Wallace, pointing out that they’d barely lifted off. “I think we’ll be fine.”
“That does make things easier,” said Haruhi, grabbing a token as they went past. “Though it almost defeats the purpose of having a balloon.”
“At least you’re using your thing properly,” said Annabeth, as Peter swung the two of them past, the pogo stick between his legs.

Meanwhile, back at the start…
“Hey, maybe the key goes in here,” said Katniss, putting it in the key slot. She turned it, and immediately the car roared to life. “Great. Now, let’s get moving.” Katniss pushed forward on the steering wheel, but nothing happened.
“Umm, are we going to move?” asked Finn.
“I…I don’t know,” said Katniss, before looking at her feet and seeing a bunch of pedals. “Maybe one of these?” Katniss lightly tapped one, and suddenly the engine roared. “That did something. Do you have any ideas?”
“What’s this do?” asked Finn, pulling a lever in between them. The car started to slowly roll forward. “Hey, maybe try that pedal again.”
Katniss gently pressed down on the accelerator…and the car took off at a blistering pace.
“Wow, they’re really hammering it along,” said Don. “How are they even going that fast?”
“Apparently, it’s running on a special fuel made of cheetah blood and steroids,” said an intern, reading off some notes.
“Huh…not sure it’s legal to own either of those, but whatever,” said Don, sitting back in his chair to wait for the contestants to finish.
Katniss and Finn zoomed around the course, narrowly avoiding most of the contestants as they went past. Alice even yanked the reigns out of Ash’s hands to steer them off the course as they raced by. “Katniss,” said Finn. “I think we’ve passed all of the checkpoints.”
“Great, we can finish then,” said Katniss.
“But we didn’t get any of the tokens,” pointed out Finn.
“…Crap,” said Katniss. “Okay, this track takes us all the way around the island, right? Let’s just go around again. You just be ready to grab the token on the way past, since I have no idea how to stop this thing.”
“Okay,” said Finn, poking his head out the window. No sooner had he done that did something shoot right past his head, exploding in the distance. “What the hell was that?”

“Bart, don’t you think we should be trying to finish the race?” asked Hit-Girl.
“But blowing stuff up is so much cooler,” said Bart, firing another shell onto the course.
“It definitely is,” said Hit-Girl. “Can I fire one?”
“Sure,” said Bart, handing over the controls. “What’s the worst that could happe…” Before he could finish, Hit-Girl fired a shell into a cliff near the course. The explosion knocked several rocks loose, which in turn knocked some more rocks loose, and soon caused a small avalanche, blocking the path. “Oh crap.”
“Oops…” said Hit-Girl. “We need to get through that right?”
“What if we use the cannon to blast our way through?” asked Bart.
“I guess that’s worth a shot,” said Hit-Girl, aiming the cannon at the rocks.

“Last checkpoint,” called Finn. “You sure you don’t know how to stop this thing? Because if we miss it…”
“Then I’m circling around to get it,” said Katniss. “I’m pretty sure you don’t want to go past those two kids playing with a tank again, right?”
“Not really,” said Finn, holding his hand out the window. Finn got ready to grab a token out of the bowl…then…
“Err, Katniss?” said Finn. “I have the bowl with the last two tokens.”
“Then take one and throw the bowl out the window,” said Katniss. “Wait, if there’s still tokens in there…”
“FINISH LINE!” yelled Finn.
“GET READY TO DIVE!” replied Katniss. As the car crossed the finish line, the two contestants leapt from the vehicle, leaving the Lamborghini to drive straight into the water.
“That cost two hundred thousand dollars,” said Don.
“Take it out of the prize money when we win,” said Katniss. “So, I take it we’re not last, so we’re not out?”
“Actually…” started Don. “Oh, wait, Bart and Hit-Girl aren’t here yet. Yeah, you’re fine. For now. As for Kim and Murtagh, you guys won, so you get something.” Don held out a box, which Kim took and opened.
“A block of metal?” asked Kim, before it flew out of her hand and attached itself to her grappling hook. “Or a magnet.”
“Yep. And you’ll find out what that’s about in two episodes time, since we need another Aftermath episode,” said Don. “Anyone want to volunteer to tell the kids they’re out?” No-one said anything. Don sighed heavily. “Great. You’ll see how well me telling them to go home went next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants playing.
Faith and Gary
“HEY! I was about to grab that.” “Don’t worry, I’m about to get one.”
Elsa and Zuko
“Elsa already saved those for us.” “Actually, Zuko…”
Bart and Hit-Girl
“Bart, don’t you think we should be trying to finish the race?” “But blowing stuff up is so much cooler.”
Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage.

“What’s up guys?” asked Geoff. “Welcome to the third Aftermath episode of this season. I’m Geoff.”
“And I’m Bridgette,” said Bridgette. “And we’ve got another awesome show lined up for you guys. Interviews, That’s Gonna Leave a Mark, Truth or…, and Geoff says he has a special surprise for us, but he refuses to say what it is.”
“Uh huh,” said Geoff, sweating nervously and tugging at his collar.
“But of course, a Peanut Gallery of your favourite contestants from Total Drama’s past,” said Bridgette. “Let’s bring them out, shall we?”

“First up, we have Alejerkdro,” said Geoff.
“Seriously? Three seasons of Bridgette calling me that, and when you finally introduce me you do it too?” snapped Alejandro. “Forget this, I’m out of here.” Alejandro spun on his heel and stormed out of the building.
“Thank God for that,” muttered Bridgette, before coughing and speaking up. “We also have Brody.” Brody ran out onstage, high fived Geoff, cheering loudly, before running back to the seating area.
“Awesome to see you dude,” said Geoff. “Also in the Peanut Gallery we have Dakotazoid.”
“Um, actually…” said someone just offstage, before a pretty blonde girl appeared before them.
“Um, who are you?” asked Geoff.
“Geoff, that’s Dakota,” said Bridgette. “But she isn’t mutated anymore.”
“WHAT?!” yelled Geoff. “How? How did you get unmutated?”
“They have this new form of liposuction that sucks out mutations,” said Dakota. “It’s really expensive, but it was so worth it.”
“That…doesn’t sound like anything resembling science,” said Geoff.
“Hey, it worked, that’s all that matters,” said Bridgette. “Congratulations on becoming human again.”
“Thanks Bridgette,” said Dakota, taking a seat.
“Also joining us in the Peanut Gallery, we have Duncan,” said Bridgette. Duncan, strapped down in a similar fashion to Hannibal Lector, gets wheeled onstage by a man wearing white, and left next to the seating area. “Thank you Barney.”
“We also have Ella,” said Geoff. A flock of small birds carried Ella in from offstage and carefully deposited her in a chair before flying away.
“Gerry,” said Bridgette.
Gerry walked onstage and took a seat. “Man, you wanted to get me and Pete over and done with sooner rather than later, huh?” he asked.
“We’d rather not fill our show with any more Statler and Waldorf than we need to,” said Bridgette. “Kieran does enough of that to himself without your help.”
“Well, if he could actually write well, he wouldn’t have to keep criticising himself,” said Gerry, laughing at his own comment.
“Thank you for proving his point,” said Bridgette, glaring at him. Gerry just kept laughing.
Geoff, seeing that the situation could get ugly, decided to move things along. “Jasmine,” he said, loudly enough to interrupt Bridgette and Gerry. Jasmine walked onstage, and managed to launch herself over the back of the seating area before taking her seat.
“Justin,” said Bridgette. Justin walked onstage, and suddenly every female in the audience screamed. One girl even had to be restrained by security to avoid her running onstage. As soon as he sat down, all the female Gallery members moved closer to him. Even Bridgette seemed to shift a little closer.
Geoff glared at Justin, but decided to continue. “Sanders,” he said. Sanders walked onstage and sat down next to Brody. She subtly slips Brody a note, then starts paying attention to the show.
“Sierra,” said Bridgette. Sierra walks onstage, taking pictures of pretty much everything as she did. “Um, what are you doing?”
“Duh, getting as many pictures as possible before my Total Drama blogs close,” said Sierra. “With this being the last season and all, I need to make sure they go out on a blast, and not fade out into oblivion.”
“There’ll still be real world Total Drama seasons,” said Geoff. “Total Drama Daycare’s coming out in October.”
“Silly Geoff, It’s Total DramaRama now,” said Sierra, taking her seat.
“Right…” said Geoff. “Well, anyway, we also have Spud on the show tonight.” Nothing happened. “I said, Spud’s here.” Still nothing happened. “Spud?”
“Dude, you’re up,” said Rock from offstage.
“Up for what? An award? I didn’t even know we were nominated,” came Spud’s voice.
“No, as in you’re up to go out and join the Peanut Gallery,” said Rock.
“Peanuts? I love Charlie Brown,” said Spud, running out onstage, before stopping dead at the sight of the people already onstage. “Hey, these guys aren’t from Peanuts.”
“Just sit down,” said Rock, running onstage and forcing his friend onto a seat before leaving again.
“And finally, we have Sugar,” said Bridgette. Sugar walks onstage drinking a large glass of Juggy Chunks. When she finished it, she belched loudly and threw the glass away, knocking out an intern.

“So dudes, what do you think of this season so far?” asked Geoff.
“Can’t say, they don’t let me have a TV,” said Duncan.
“I thought you already paid your debt to society for blowing up Chris’s cottage,” said Bridgette.
“IT WAS A MANSION!” yelled Courtney from somewhere far away.
“I did,” said Duncan. “But then I got arrested for a crime I didn’t commit.”
“Really? What did you do?” asked Geoff.
“I heard M. Night Shyamalan was trying to get a sequel greenlit for that movie,” said Duncan. “You know the one. So, I thought I could do the world a favour and put a stop to it.”
“Duncan, attempted murder is a crime,” said Bridgette matter-of-factly.
“But it was only an attempt. I didn’t succeed,” said Duncan. “Surely that counts for something.”
“Sorry, not how it works,” said Geoff. “But speaking of that movie, let’s welcome our first guests, Zuko and Elsa.” Elsa and Zuko walked onstage and sat down across from the hosts. “So guys, how are you going?”
“Not bad,” said Zuko. “Since our eliminations, me and Elsa have been setting up trade deals between Arendelle and the Fire Nation.”
“I still can’t understand why you didn’t bother naming your country something more creative,” said Elsa.
“It gets the point across,” said Zuko. “The people of my nation are predominantly fire benders if anything, so we’re the Fire Nation, just like the earth benders are in the Earth Kingdom, water benders in the Water Tribes, and the air benders are the Air Nomads. Or they would be, if Aang wasn’t the only one left.”
“Really? What happened?” asked Bridgette.
“…Next question,” said Zuko.
“So Elsa, how does it feel that Zuko’s rivalry with Gray got you eliminated?” asked Geoff. “And don’t lie, because it’s time for Truth or Kittens.”

An animation plays for Truth or Kittens.
“Wow, kittens eh? How horrible,” said Gerry sarcastically.
“Are they at least cougar kittens?” asked Jasmine.
“You know what would have been a good idea? That,” said Geoff, bringing out a basket of small kittens, most barely even big enough to hold their own heads up.
“Aww, they’re so adorable,” said Dakota, picking up a couple and hugging them close to her chest.
“So cute,” said Ella, taking one for herself.
“HEY! I was appreciating their cuteness first,” said Sugar, pushing Ella out of the way and grabbing the kitten she was holding. The kitten hissed at Sugar, then scratched her and returned to Ella.
“Sorry Sugar, but Mr. Fluffykins likes me more,” said Ella, snuggling with the kitten, much to Sugar’s annoyance.
“Sorry Ella, but I need Mr. Fluffykins to be launched out of a catapult,” said Geoff, snatching the kitten out of Ella’s hands. However, before he could do anything else, the kitten hissed and bit him too. “Sheesh, what’s his problem? He’s just gonna land on his feet anyway.”
“Aww, come on Geoff,” said Bridgette, now also holding a kitten. “Do you really want to hurl the little guys at our guests?”
Geoff was about to say something, but then noticed that the only ones not cuddling a kitten were himself, Sugar, and Duncan (though there was one brushing its head against Duncan’s leg). Geoff sighed in defeat. “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he said. “So let’s move on to our next guests, the ones whose eliminations ruined Light and Kathryn’s chances of winning, Faith and Gary.”

The two of them walked onstage to the sound of booing, before sitting down. “Hey guys, how are you going?”
“This sucks,” said Gary. “I specifically warned Light to stay away from Louise and Timmy, and what does he do? He considers recruiting them.”
“Although knowing Light, he’ll probably manipulate things into his favour,” said Faith. “It’s how he does everything else.”
“Yeah, about that,” said Bridgette. “What’s your take on it? Any theories or clues as to what’s up with Louise and Timmy?”
“No doubt about it, it’s magic,” said Faith definitely. “One of them has some kind of Wiccan power. I’ve seen it enough times to know. I’d keep an eye on that Louise if I were them.”
“You say it’ll Louise, but I bet it’ll be Timmy,” said Gary.
“Are you kidding? It’s definitely Louise,” said Faith. “I’ve seen enough magic to know where it’s coming from, it’s totally her.”
“Wanna bet?” asked Gary.
“You’re on,” said Faith, shaking his hand.
“Wow, confident,” said Geoff. “Just like I’m confident that we need to move on to our next segment, That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.”
“Wow, two questions counts as an interview?” asked Faith sarcastically.
“Shut up, the animation’s starting,” said Geoff as the TV lowered from the roof.

An animation plays for That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.
“I don’t care what I have to do to beat you, but you’re going down motherfucker,” said Wallace, throwing Light off the side of the cliff. As Light fell, he hit almost every rock he possibly could, and landed with his legs either side of a particularly pointy one near the end, before sliding off into the water.
In the next scene, Trunks nudged Patrick and Raven’s pillar enough to knock it over. Patrick hit the ground, then was hit by a handful of the plates. Then the platform itself.
And in the final scene, Kouta was driving Lyra in the go-kart, when Light and Kathryn started passing them. Kathryn flashed Kouta, causing him to have a colossal nosebleed and pass out, leading to them crashing. Luckily, Peter and Annabeth happened to be coming up behind them. “Guess I’ll take care of Kouta,” said Peter, getting ready for a blood transfusion. “You look after Lyra.”
“You do that, I don’t want to touch him,” said Annabeth, checking to see if Lyra had any serious injuries.

The TV rose back into the roof. “Well, it’s time for our final guests of the night,” said Bridgette. “The most recent elimination of the competition, please welcome Bart and Hit-Girl.” Silence reigned over the studio for a moment, then a low rumbling started.
“What’s that?” asked Justin, as a large tank burst into the studio from offstage. Everyone immediately took cover as the tank rolled to a stop where the guest’s seating area was.
“This thing is really awesome,” said Bart, opening the hatch to the tank and climbing out.
“Yeah, but the collateral damage we’ve caused would be astronomical,” said Hit-Girl.
“Meh, let Don pay for it,” said Bart dismissively. “It’s his fault for letting a couple of pre-teens drive a tank.”
“You do know you’re on national TV right now?” asked Bridgette. “And we’ve just got video evidence of you saying all that?”
“And I’m actually a cop,” said Sanders.
“…Uh oh,” said Bart.
“Quick, back in the tank,” said Hit-Girl, dragging Bart back into the tank and driving off in it. Sanders leapt up from her chair and began giving chase. As they left, police sirens could be heard outside.

“Well…that’s all the time we ha…” started Geoff.
“Wait, didn’t you have a surprise for us?” asked Bridgette.
“Oh, uh, right,” said Geoff, patting his pockets. “Now where did I…oh no, I didn’t lose it, did I?”
“Lose what?” asked Bridgette, concerned.
“Dude, you mean, this?” asked Brody, holding out a small box. “You left it in your dressing room, and I was like ‘whoa dude, Geoff totally needs that,’ so I held on to it for you.”
“Dude, you are totally the best,” said Geoff, taking the box from Brody and high fiving him. Geoff cleared his throat, clearly nervous about what he was about to do. “So, uh Bridge, you’re, like, the best chick I ever met, like ever. And I want to, like, show you how much you mean to me.” Geoff flicked open to box, to reveal a small ring, glittering with diamonds all around it. Bridgette’s eyes shot open at the realisation of what Geoff was about to ask. “Bridge, will…will you…be my best chick-bro?”
A sudden hush fell over the audience for nearly a minute as Bridgette stared in amazement at the ring, at Geoff, trying to process what was happening. “Oh my God…” she whispered. “Geoff, I…I…yes. Yes, of course I will.” The crowd cheered as Bridgette slipped the ring onto her finger, before dragging Geoff to his feet and kissing him passionately.
Geoff broke away from Bridgette for a moment to catch his breath. “You heard her folks, me and Bridge are tying the knot,” he said, hugging his fiancée close to him. “And we’ll be bringing you more details next time, on Total Drama Couples Aftermath. See you guys.” The curtains closed, and the lights faded to black.

The Aperture Science Laboratories lay in ruins before the figure standing in the shadows. “Great, guess I’ll have to dig through all this to find it,” said Chef, sighing before getting to work.

Chapter Text

Don appeared in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “Light and Kathryn found out that Louise and Timmy have some kind of supernatural aid, but have no idea what it is. Louise and Timmy, knowing that they know, decide to try and throw them off. Then we had our challenge: a wacky race around the…hey, what do you mean Hanna-Barbera are suing us? They haven’t done anything with the franchise for…what do you mean there’s a reboot? Don’t tell me that’s been ruined too.” Don took a moment to sigh deeply. “Whatever. Anyway, the contestants went around the island in a random assortment of vehicles, and Bart and Hit-Girl went home because playing with tanks is too much fun.” The scene cut back to Don. “Who’s getting disposed of this week? Find out now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Okay Kathryn, you’re on,” said Light. “Whatever it takes to get them on our side, do it.”
“Wouldn’t it make more sense to just find out what they’re doing to manipulate the odds in their favour?” asked Kathryn.
“Only if our intention is to eliminate them,” said Light. “Since we don’t know exactly what we’re dealing with, it would be better to just have them on our side until we do know.”
“I guess,” said Kathryn. “Still, Gary might have had a point: we’re teaming up with the guys that got half our team eliminated.”
“A slight setback, nothing more,” said Light. “If they’re on our side, and we keep Ryuk playing interference with Alice, we’ll have nothing to worry about. And there’s always our little Plan B…”
“I don’t know about this, but I guess we can do it your way for now,” said Kathryn. “Here goes.” Kathryn strode into the Mess Hall, collected her food, and sat down across from the two children. “Hi Louise, hi Timmy.”

“Hey,” said Timmy, not looking up from his food.
“What do you want?” asked Louise, squinting at the older girl in suspicion.
“What’s with that look? I’m just trying to be friendly,” said Kathryn innocently.
“Yeah, sure. I’ve heard about you from the others, and what you did back in season 2,” said Louise. “Do you really think we’re going to trust you?”
“Hey, come on, do you really think me and Light haven’t learned our lesson from then?” asked Kathryn, shifting her arms slightly. “Besides, we need help, you guys can provide that help…”
“What do you mean?” asked Timmy between mouthfuls of food.
“Well, you see…” started Kathryn, picking up a green ketchup bottle to pour over her food. “You guys have some kind of…huh, this bottle’s empty.”
“Gee, I sure wish there was more stuff in there,” said Timmy. There was a ringing sound, and suddenly ketchup poured all over Kathryn’s food.
“Huh, guess it was just stuck,” said Kathryn, shrugging it off. “Anyway, as I was saying, you guys have a secret weapon of some kind…”
“No we don’t,” said Timmy, almost too quickly. Kathryn pretended to ignore it.
“I think you do,” said Kathryn. “And with Light’s obvious intelligence, he can probably outsmart the rest of the competition. He can take us to the end.”
“Oh really?” asked Louise. “So, what’s this secret weapon we have then?”
“That’s what we’re still trying to figure out,” said Kathryn. “But we won’t force it out of you. We’ll wait until you trust us before you tell us what it is. Think about it, we know whatever you have is powerful, you know that Ryuk can mess with our biggest threat. We can become unstoppable. All you have to do is team up with us.”
“No,” said Louise. “You’ll use us to get as far through the show as you can, and sacrifice us when we’re of no use to you anymore. We’ll be better off without you.”
Kathryn frowned at this. “Well, I see you made your choice,” she said. “But if you change your mind, you know where to find us.” Kathryn got up and moved away.
“Phew, that was close,” said Cosmo, still as a bottle. “I thought she’d figure it out for sure when I started pouring ketchup.”
“Then why’d you do it?” demanded Louise.
“Because Timmy said ‘I wish’,” said Cosmo. “As soon as he says that, we’re required to grant that wish, no matter what.”
“Cosmo, he said ‘I sure wish’,” snapped Wanda. “You had a loophole out of it.”
“Look, no use worrying about it now,” said Timmy. “They didn’t figure anything out, so we’re good, right?”
“Right,” said Cosmo, ignoring his wife glaring at him.

“And they definitely didn’t notice you placing that mini microphone?” asked Light.
“Nope, I kept my movements subtle so they couldn’t see me,” said Kathryn. “Now, let’s see what they’re saying.”
Light turned on a small device and the two of them started listening to what the children were saying after Kathryn left. “Who is that talking? It’s not Timmy or Louise,” said Light. “Wait, what was that about a wish? What have they got, some kind of genie?” Ryuk, floating behind them, snorted with laughter. “Something funny Ryuk?”
“Oh, don’t mind me,” said Ryuk. “But it’s good to see you’re getting closer.”
“Not genies then, huh?” asked Light. “Guess we’ll have to look into what else grants wishes. Maybe fairies…”
“Oh please,” said Kathryn. “As if that Disney bullshit would really be the cause of it.”

“Contestants, the next challenge will begin shortly,” announced Don over the loudspeakers. “Please assemble next to the tents in ten minutes.”
“Wonder what’s up for us this time,” said Stifler.
“Who cares? Hit-Girl’s gone,” said Arya. “The only person I considered my equal in this competition is gone. No matter what happens, I win.”
“That makes two of us,” said Stifler. “Now that Jake’s gone, I feel like I’ve accomplished my life’s goal.”
“You need better goals,” said Arya.
“And hey, we’re currently winning anyway,” said Stifler.
“What do you mean? We’re the ones with a magnet,” said Kim, waving said magnet in Stifler’s face.
“As in we’re the only team to win more than once,” said Stifler.
“Oh, are you?” asked Katniss.
“Twice in a row then,” corrected Stifler.
“Finn, Katniss, would you object to letting us win this to wipe the smile off their faces?” asked Murtagh.
“I kinda want to mess with them just to do that,” said Finn.

Ten minutes later, the sixteen teams were assembled in front of Don. “You guys are probably wondering what’s in store for you today,” said Don.
“Something to do with needles?” asked Zidane.
“WHO TOLD YOU?!” snapped Don. “Did Alice…”
“Of course not,” said Alice. “He’s Zidane. He just peaked under the blankets covering the tubs of needles.”
“Of course he did,” muttered Don. “Just for that, you two get a one minute penalty.”
“Great fucking going Zidane,” said Max, slapping him over the back of the head.
“It’s what I do best,” said Zidane. “Trust me, we’re fine.”
“We better be,” said Max. “Because if we go home this episode…”
“Anyway, on to the challenge,” said Don. “For legal reasons, you’ll all have to wear these.” A pair of interns wheeled out a rack of body suits. “These suits are puncture resistant, so you aren’t going to repeatedly stab yourself on the needles. At least, not easily.”
“Wimps,” muttered Louise.
“What if your skin is impenetrable?” asked Alice.
“Then you have to wear the suit because I said so,” said Don.
“What’s wrong with a little acupuncture?” asked Ayane.
“I’m pretty sure most acupuncture sessions don’t involve you being stabbed by a million needles each,” said Don. “Seriously, there are two million needles in each of those tubs. I had the interns individually count them to make sure of it.” The camera then cut to a group of broken and tired interns, devoid of their wills to live.
“Chris is dead, right?” asked Katniss. “Because that seems very Chris-like.”
“Don’t worry, we’re actually paying them,” said Don.
“How much?” asked Finn.
“All the pizza they can eat,” said Don. “And with their student loan debts, anything they can do to get free food is worth it.”
“What about money and accommodation?” asked Trunks.
“Eh, one out of three ain’t bad,” said Don. “Now, the actual challenge is to find a needle…”
“I found two million,” called Wallace, patting the tub next to him.
“A bone needle,” said Don. “All the needles you can see are metal ones, however somewhere in each of your tubs is one bone needle. You may use whatever method you like to find the bone needle, but you need to get it.”
“So the metal needles are magnetic?” asked Murtagh.
“You know what sounds like something we should have tested? That,” said Don. “Well, off you go.”

“Okay Wise Girl, what’s the plan?” asked Peter.
Annabeth responded by slapping him. “Listen Spider-Freak, only my boyfriend gets to call me that,” she snapped.
“Oh yeah, the son of Ægir,” said Peter.
“No, he’s the son of Poseidon,” said Annabeth. “Though I’m pretty sure they both exist now.”
“Sorry,” said Peter. “I’m just more familiar with the Norse guys since I’ve met Thor. Weird that aliens get that sort of power though, right?”
“Aliens?” asked Annabeth. “Why do I get the feeling our gods are different from your gods?”

“What do you mean you don’t want to help?” demanded Stifler.
“Well, for one thing, I already beat Hit-Girl, which was my goal,” said Arya. “For another, you hardly do anything. This should be a great opportunity to prove you’re not a waste of space.”
“This sucks,” pouted Stifler, but still got to work looking for the needle.

“Okay, time to see if we have an advantage or not,” said Kim, holding the magnet above the tub of needles. Almost immediately, most of the needles leapt up to the magnet, sticking to it. “Yep, it works.”
“A little too well, if you ask me,” said Murtagh, pulling one needle off the magnet, only for it to fly out of his hand a back onto the magnet. “So, what now?”
“Well, we won’t need this,” said Kim, throwing the magnet away. “I’d say we’re down a few hundred thousand needles, let’s push the advantage.”
“See Zidane? Look at that,” said Max, watching them. “Now they’re well on the way to winning, and we’re not even allowed to start.”
“You can start now,” said Don.
“Leave this to the thief,” said Zidane, practically diving into the needles.
“I don’t think that’s a good strategy,” said Max, watching him dig through the needles.
“Isn’t it?” asked Zidane, holding up the bone needle.
Max’s jaw dropped open. “How did you…” she started, then just shut up. “Never mind. HEY DON! We got the needle.”
“So did these two,” said Don, stepping aside to reveal Kim holding their bone needle.
“But…they still had a lot of needles to look through,” said Max. “How did they…”
“It was just sitting on top of the remaining needles,” said Murtagh. “That magnet worked miracles for us.”
“Yes it did,” said Don. “So, you guys win again. And your reward is…this.” Don handed them a box, which Kim opened.
“A drone?” asked Kim, holding it up.
“I don’t know what that is,” said Murtagh. “But it looks like a less effective version of Thorn.”
I’ll gladly replace it if you’d like, said Thorn.
“You will do no such thing,” said Don. “You’ll be using the drone in the next challenge, and that’s that. Now, how is everyone else coming along?”
“Didn’t you say these suits were puncture proof?” asked Sabriel.
“Resistant,” corrected Don. “Puncture resistant. The suits will prevent needles pricking you unless you go out of your way to prick yourself.”
“Oh…” said Sabriel, turning to face a dead and extremely pricked Kenny. “Well, that explains that.”

“Okay Chell, make a portal here,” said Artemis, indicating a spot under a tree. “And one up there on that branch.” Chell fired the portals at the requested spots. “Now, all we have to do is pour these needles out of here like so…” Artemis began to pout the needles out of the tub and into the lower portal. “Now, we wait.”
Slowly, the needles started to separate from being a large clump so it was easier to see individual ones. “There it is,” said Artemis. Chell made to grab it, but Artemis stopped her. “These suits may be puncture resistant, but needles going that speed will still…” Before he could finish, Chell knocked his hand away and grabbed the bone needle. As expected though, a couple of thousand needles stuck into the arm of Chell’s suit. “Now, what did I tell you about…” began Artemis, as Chell brushed the needles off as though they were nothing. “…okay then.”

“This suit isn’t working at all,” said Gray. “I can still feel all the needles pricking me.”
“It helps when you’re actually wearing it,” said Saeko.
“Oh, right,” said Gray, finally noticing that he was naked again.
“For God’s sake man, there are children present,” said Kouta.
“Don’t you have a huge porn collection?” asked Saeko.
“Yeah, but I don’t use it in front of Lyra,” said Kouta. “I may be a pervert, but at least I have a moral code.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” said Gray, putting his clothes back on.
“Is he decent yet?” asked Lyra.
“Well, as decent as he can be,” said Kouta.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” snapped Gray.
“You’re naked again,” said Saeko.
“Son of a bitch,” said Gray, putting his clothes back on again.

“Finished,” said Raven, as the bone needle floated out of the tub.
“And you couldn’t have done this earlier?” asked Patrick.
“You try locating a single needle in a tub of two million,” snapped Raven. “Anyway, it just means we’re safe for now. Some of the others are still going.”

“Isn’t there a magnet Pokémon that you can use for this?” asked Alice.
“Sorry, I never caught a Magnemite,” said Ash.
“How many Pokémon do you have?” asked Alice.
“Forty two,” said Ash.
“And how many are there?” asked Alice.
“Eight hundred and two,” said Ash.
“How the hell are you supposed to become a Pokémon Master if you only have five percent of the total count?” asked Alice.
“I think it helps that I have that disease Bart has where I’m permanently ten years old,” said Ash.
“I see…” said Alice. “Nothing like mine where I’m permanently seventeen?”
“No, definitely not,” said Ash. “Otherwise Pikachu would have a lot of suspicious bite marks.”

“Wallace, slow down,” said Haruhi. “The suits only resist pricking, not stop it.”
“Don’t care, we need to beat Light,” said Wallace, furiously digging through the needles.
“Oh, are you still looking for your needle?” asked Light mockingly, holding up their needle. Wallace responded by punching him in the balls.

“This would be easier if you helped,” said Stifler. “Though I guess I shouldn’t be asking a kid to look for a boner needle.”
“Umm…I said bone needle, not boner,” said Don.
“Oh…” said Stifler. “Well, in that case…”
“We just got the bone needle,” called Edward.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s great,” said Stifler. “Now, as I was saying…”
“Um, Stifler?” said Nora. “You’re the only team left that needs to find the needle.”
“…oh,” said Stifler, turning to face Arya. “You hear that?”
“Huh? What?” asked Arya, finally paying attention to Stifler. “Did you win it for us?”
“Nope, exact opposite,” said Don. “Maybe if there were two of you working…”
“Meh, whatever,” said Arya. “My family’s royalty anyway.”
“MINE’S NOT! I wanted that money,” snapped Stifler.
“Too bad,” said Don, as the Lame-o-sine pulled up. “Your ride awaits.”
“This is all your fault,” muttered Stifler as he climbed in.
“Did you really think you’d win anyway?” asked Arya, following him. “Honestly, I’m surprised we made it as far as we did. I was the only one that did anything.” The door to the car closed, and soon drove away.
“And with that, we lose another two contestants,” said Don. “Who will go next? Find out next time on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appeared in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashback of the previous episode started playing. “Light and Kathryn try to befriend Timmy and Louise, but the kids know better than to trust the villains of the first two seasons. But what’s this? Light and Kathryn had a back-up plan to figure out their big secret. Unfortunately, they only have a slight clue, so the mystery continues. Then we had the challenge: digging through sharp pointy objects to find a sharp pointy object. Because that sounds completely safe. Eventually, Kim and Murtagh won for the second week in a row, scoring themselves a drone to help them in today’s challenge. As for the losers, that would be Arya and Stifler, the former because she didn’t want to help, the latter because he was looking for a boner to grab.”
“I object to that description of what I was doing,” interrupted Stifler.
“Get the hell out of here Stifler, you’re not even on the show anymore,” said Don, pushing him out of the camera shot. “Who will be picture perfect, and whose photo will bomb? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Well Haruhi, today’s the day,” said Wallace.
“What’s today?” asked Haruhi.
“I have the perfect plan to absolutely crush Light once and for all,” said Wallace. “My plan is so brilliant, even Annabeth wouldn’t have come up with it.”
“You know I’m sitting right here, don’t you?” asked Annabeth.
“I do,” said Wallace. “And I don’t think you’d have come up with a plan like this.”
“Well, let’s hear this brilliant plan to get Light eliminated,” said Peter.
“I never said I was going to eliminate him,” said Wallace.
“Yes you did, you said you were going to crush him,” said Peter.
“That’s right, I said I’d crush him,” said Wallace. “But I don’t want to eliminate him. Not yet at least. My plan will be much more psychologically torturous.”
“Is this still the same Wallace I used to know?” asked Haruhi. “You know, the one that normally just makes stupid comments and is super lazy?”
“He’s still here,” said Wallace. “He’s just taking a backseat for the time being while I take the reins.”
“…Okay, I’m slightly scared of this new Wallace,” said Peter.
“I’m not, this is kind of cool,” said Annabeth. “Besides, he’s on our side, so who cares what he does to everyone else?”
“See? Annabeth gets it,” said Wallace. “Now, here’s my plan.” Wallace explained his idea to the others, careful not to leave out any details.
“You’re right, I wouldn’t have thought of that,” said Annabeth. “Because it’s incredibly stupid. Basically you just made a worse plan than Percy.”
“I’d like to point out that I have not been consulted on this,” said Haruhi. “You realise the outcome of this concerns me too, right?”
“I’m aware,” said Wallace. “But how much do you really care?”
“…touché,” said Haruhi.
“You’re not seriously going to go along with this, are you?” asked Peter.
“It’s fine,” said Haruhi. “I do kinda want to see Light’s reaction to this, and I’m sure it’ll be worth it in the end.”
“Well, if you’re sure, then I support you,” said Annabeth. “But I want to make it very clear that I think this is a bad idea.”
“Your objections are noted,” said Wallace. “They’re likely to be ignored, but they’re noted.”

“Contestants, your next challenge is scheduled to begin in one hour,” said Don. “Please meet on the pier then so I can explain it to you. Or don’t. Hey, it’s your problem if you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Any ideas what we’ll be doing?” asked Finn.
“Why ask me, I don’t know what a drone is,” said Murtagh. “I’m afraid you’ll need to figure most of this out Kim.”
“A drone is basically just a mini-helicopter with a camera on it,” said Kim, before realising that neither helicopters nor cameras exist in Murtagh’s world. “It flies and makes pictures.”
“Oh…” said Murtagh. “Well then why don’t I just ride Thorn around and makes fairths of whatever we need?”
“Because Don already forbid that,” said Kim.
I’m sure he won’t say no to me, said Thorn. I can make him see sense.
“You’ll do no such thing,” said Katniss. “Not because you shouldn’t, but because Don will find a way to make sure that doesn’t work.”
“Oh good, you’ve worked out the challenge,” said Alice, coming up to them. “I can’t get in trouble for spoiling it.”
“To be fair, what else was a challenge containing a drone going to be?” asked Max.
“Maybe a spying challenge?” suggested Zidane. “Like, the girls are having a bikini party at one end of the island, and we guys have to sneak up with our cameras to…” Before he could finish, there were four different fists in his face. “I deserved that.”
“Let’s see…” said Ash. “I think this one will be useful for this challenge.” There was a blue glow, then one of Ash’s Pokéballs disappeared, only to be replaced by a different one.
“You don’t even know exactly what we’re doing yet,” said Alice. “Are you sure they’ll be the right ones?”
“We’re about to find out,” said Ash.

About an hour later, all the contestants were gathered on the pier, with Don standing in front of them. “Okay guys, time for today’s challenge,” he said. “You’ll be taking photos…”
“We know,” said Kouta.
“Wasn’t hard to figure out,” said Nora.
“I swear, I didn’t say anything,” said Alice, Don glaring at her when she said it.
“I guess the drone was kind of a giveaway,” said Don. “Anyway, the things you will be photographing are…each other.”
“Well, I mean, if you want me to pose for you…” started Patrick.
“Not a good idea,” said Don. “The whole point of this challenge is to avoid getting photographed, while simultaneously getting photos of every other team.”
“Question,” said Saeko. “How do we photograph anything when most of us don’t have a camera?”
“Mmf mmf mmf mmf mf mmmf?” asked Kenny, pulling out his phone. Many of the other contestants pulled out their phones too, though Kouta pulled out an actual camera.
“Well this is no good, the memory card’s almost full,” said Kouta. “But which pictures should I delete?”
Ayane looked over at the pictures Kouta was scrolling through, and saw some of her in the shower. “If you know what’s good for you, you will delete all of those pictures,” she said through gritted teeth, pointing her sword between his legs.
Kouta swallowed hard at the thought of what she was planning. “You make a convincing argument,” he said, quickly deleting any photo of Ayane, even ones where she was just in the background and not the focus of the shot.
“I should mention that I’ll be handing cameras out to all of you,” said Don. “All the same type, except of course for our current winners.”
“Phew,” sighed Kouta with relief. Ayane glared at him, and Kouta quickly got back to deleting pictures on his own camera.
“First place will be whoever can photograph all the other teams first,” said Don. “After the winner has been determined, I’ll make an announcement so you can make your way back here. However, you’re not safe from being photographed until you’re on the pier. You’ll get one point for every team you photograph, but lose a point each time your picture’s taken.”
“Won’t whoever the last team off the pier just be able to take a picture of everyone right off the bat and win?” asked Trunks.
“That’s why there will be no photos taken for five minutes once we start,” said Don. “That gives you time to disperse. And avoid being caught by the others, as well as come up with a strategy.”
“Wait, won’t our drone have a range limit on it?” asked Murtagh.
“I highly doubt any of the others will be more than five kilometres from you, especially since the island is only three kilometres across,” said Don.
“Gray, our strategy,” said Saeko. “You go one way, I’ll go the other, and both of us trying to keep out of sight.”
“That brings me to the other piece of equipment for this challenge,” said Don, pulling out a set of handcuffs. “So you can’t split up. I’ll unlock these at the end of the challenge.”
“Man, this reminds me of my time with L,” said Light as he was handcuffed to Kathryn.
“Girlfriend of yours?” asked Kathryn.
“Nah, he was one of the best detectives in the world,” said Light.
“…okay, not judging,” said Kathryn.
“Wait, what do you mean by…” started Light.

“Alright guys, your five minutes start now,” said Don.
“Ash, I hope you have a camouflage Pokémon with you,” said Alice.
“As a matter of fact…” started Ash.
“Good,” said Alice, picking him up and running into the woods, out of sight of the other contestants.
“What’s the plan?” asked Murtagh.
“Find a good hiding spot and stay there,” said Kim. “The drone can do the rest.”
“I like it,” said Murtagh. “Thorn, start scouting.”
When did I get demoted to scouting duties? Thorn thought to himself.
“Don’t suppose you can scout well while carrying me, can you?” asked Zidane.
“Only if you think I can get a good view from three feet off the ground,” said Max. “You wouldn’t be able to slip out of the cuffs, would you?”
“I probably could…” started Zidane.
“Don’t even think about it,” said Don, watching them closely.
“Ooh, too bad guys,” said Peter, flinging Annabeth onto his back. “Well, see ya.”
“I never agreed to this,” said Annabeth, as Peter swung the two of them away.
“Where did that web attach too? There are no trees close enough for him to do that,” said Artemis. “Oh well, question for another time. Chell, portal us away.” Chell fired a portal in the direction of the forest, then another one at their feet, before leaving with Artemis.
“Well, we should get moving,” said Edward. “Which way do you think we should…”
“This way,” said Nora, bringing out her hammer. Pointing it at the ground, Nora fired once, and sent the two of them flying out of sight.
“Ayane, have you been practicing your energy sensing?” asked Trunks.
“Naturally,” said Ayane.
“Let’s see if you can manage without the scouter now,” said Trunks, taking the scouter off her. “We’ll find everyone, and we’ll know if they’re sneaking up on us.”
“Sounds like a challenge,” said Ayane. “Bring it on.” The two of them left via Trunks carrying Ayane into the trees.
“Well, now that all the really powerful people are gone…” started Finn.
“I’m standing right here,” said Raven.
“Let’s win this,” finished Finn, leading Katniss into the woods. The others muttered their agreements and followed suit.

“What’s the plan Light?” asked Kathryn.
“Well first of all, Ryuk?” asked Light, pulling out an apple.
“Pulling out all the stops for this one, eh?” asked Ryuk, taking the apple from him. “I’m going to guess you have a task for me?”
“We need someone to look out for the others contestants,” said Light. “And you’re it.”
“I guess I can do that,” said Ryuk. “But keep in mind that everyone can see me now, so I’m not as useful as I used to be.”
“Noted,” said Light. “Next problem: we’ll need to do something to get Timmy and Louise on our side. Possibly we can do something to help them win this challenge, so that they’ll trust us. Then we’ll find out what the deal with those extra voices was.”
“Alternatively,” said Kathryn. “We spy on them. We’ve got a camera, we can take a picture of whatever it is, and then assess the situation based on what we find.”
“Also a possibility,” said Light. “But where are they?”
“I haven’t done much looking out,” said Ryuk. “I’ll find them if you want.”
Light thought about this for a moment. “Do it,” he said. “It just means we’ll have to be extra vigilant and do our own looking out.”
“Speaking of which,” said Ryuk, flying up enough to reveal Alice and Ash standing behind him, suddenly wearing more green than normal.
“You knew she was there the whole time, didn’t you?” asked Light.
“I said I hadn’t done much looking out, I didn’t say I’d done no looking out,” said Ryuk, laughing as he flew away.
“Wouldn’t Ryuk’s presence have blocked your view of us?” asked Kathryn.
“Only if something Ryuk had influenced how you got here,” said Alice. “You coming up here was all you. Now, say cheese.”
“You can’t claim the picture if you can’t see us properly,” said Light, trying to cover his face. As he did so, he was suddenly lifted off the ground. “What the…”
“Nice work Leavanny,” said Ash, watching as his Pokémon lifted the two of them into the air with the help of its String Shot. “First the camouflage, now this.”
“You’ll let us down after this, right?” asked Kathryn.
“Let me think,” said Alice, taking the picture. “No. Come on Ash, we have more pictures to take.”

Confession Cam: Ash
“I almost feel bad for those two. They used to be these imposing threats to us, now they’re more pathetic than Team Rocket. Luckily, I only almost feel bad for them, otherwise the others would hate me.”

“Are you sure you know how to fly that thing?” asked Kim.
“I’ve flown on the back of a dragon. How much difference can there be?” asked Murtagh.
“One of them is a remote controlled helicopter of sorts, the other is a sentient being with a mind of his own,” said Kim. “They’re a little different from each other.”
“Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this,” said Murtagh. “I found Light and Kathryn.”
“Really?” asked Kim, looking at the video feed. “Well, get the picture.”
“Hold on, I need to get a good angle,” said Murtagh, trying to control the drone to where he wanted it to go.
“Please stop mocking us with your freedom,” said Kathryn, sounding only slightly irritated.
“Hold on, let me handle it,” said Light, just managing to reach his shoe. He took it off, and threw it at the drone. The shoe made contact, and soon the flying machine started spiralling out of control and smashed into the ground. “That worked?”
“Who cares? They can’t use it anymore,” said Kathryn.
“…oh crap,” said Murtagh.
“What are you oh crapping about?” asked Kim, looking at the screen to see the drone on the ground. “…oh crap.”
“Hey, I’m free,” said Kathryn, jumping down from where she was hanging and landing on the drone. “Oops, did I do that?”
“I think you did,” said Light, jumping down himself and also landing on the ruins of the drone. “Oops, it looks like I did it too.”
“How clumsy of us,” said Kathryn. “Oh well, nothing we can do about it now. Let’s go try and win this challenge.”
“Lead the way,” said Light, following Kathryn to find someone else.
“This is bad,” said Murtagh. “We didn’t grab a camera because we had the drone.”
“Luckily I have a Plan B,” said Kim, pulling out her Kimunicator. “Wade, how much do you know about fixing drones?”
“Kim, you’re talking about fixing an expensive piece of fairly advanced technology,” said Wade.
“I take it that’s a yes?” asked Kim.
“Oh course it’s a yes. Why would it be anything else?” asked Wade. “I just need to see how bad the condition of the drone is.”
“Well, we only need the camera, so as long as that works we’ll be fine,” said Kim, heading to where the drone had been smashed.

“I think someone’s in this cave,” said Sabriel. “But it’s hard to see in there.”
“Mmf mmf mmf,” said Kenny.
“Kenny, you’re attached to my arm,” said Sabriel. “You can’t get very far from me.”
“Mmf mmf mmf mmf mmf mmfmff,” said Kenny.
“If you insist,” said Sabriel, carefully lowering him over the edge. “But just be caref…” As she was talking, she heard the click of the camera going off.
“What was that?” asked Peter from within the cave.
“Is that Kenny?” asked Annabeth.
“Quick, get the camera,” said Peter, as sounds of movement came from within the cave.
“And that’s our cue to leave,” said Sabriel, dragging Kenny up so they could leave.
“Not so fast,” said Peter, swinging out of the cave and firing a web at Kenny. Sabriel kept trying to get away, but Peter was pulling the two of them back. “Annabeth, quick, I don’t know how long I can hold them.”
“Would have been easier if you had let me get the camera out first,” Annabeth snapped back, frantically patting her pockets. “Now I have to find the thing.”
“Just hurry,” said Peter. “Before…” There was a horrible tearing noise, and Peter turned to see a horrible sight. “Annabeth, I don’t feel so good…”
“Neither do I Peter,” said Annabeth, seeing half of Kenny’s body wrapped up in Peter’s webs, and the other half being dragged away by Sabriel into the bushes. “Do…do we go after them?”
“Just as soon as I prevent myself from throwing up,” said Peter, looking more green than normal.
“…Good call,” said Annabeth, holding a hand over her mouth.

Meanwhile, off in the bushes…
“Great, now I have this to deal with,” said Sabriel, looking at the half of Kenny’s body she still had. She sighed heavily. “Doesn’t matter, I need to get you back anyway. At least you were holding the camera in the hand I got.” Carefully she removed the camera from his hand, and placed it on a nearby rock. “Can’t let the technology be ruined by my magic.” Carrying Kenny nearly twenty feet away, Sabriel entered Death, returning a few minutes later with the young child.
“Mmf mf,” said Kenny.
“No problem,” said Sabriel. “But we need a way to avoid having to do that again. We’ll lose too much time, and my magic can screw with the camera if I use it too much.”
“Mmf mmmf mmf mmf mf,” said Kenny. “Mmf mmf mmf mf.”
“I can’t allow you to do that,” said Sabriel. “I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be bringing you back as much as I do, and on top of that…”
“Mmf mmf,” assured Kenny. “Mf mmf mmf.”
“Well, if you insist,” said Sabriel, unsure but willing to go along with him.

“There they are,” said Light, watching the two kids. “But what are those?”
“They look like fairies,” said Kathryn. “But…they don’t exist, do they?”
“Have you not seen the Shinigami floating three feet behind us?” asked Light. “Speaking of which: are they fairies?”
“Bingo,” said Ryuk. “I was getting concerned you wouldn’t figure it out. I should have known better, you humans never cease to amaze me.”
“How do we do this then?” asked Kathryn. “I haven’t had much experience with the supernatural.”
“Honestly, I don’t know,” said Light. “I say we just go in there and tell them what we know.”
“And if the fairies leave?” asked Kathryn.
“Then we’ll have to convince them to not leave,” said Light, standing up. “Come on, let’s just do this.” Light moved through the bushes until he emerged in the clearing. “Okay, the gig is up.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Timmy, now sitting on a green rock.
“Yeah, so get lost,” said Louise, holding a pink umbrella.
“Oh come on guys, we can clearly see the fairy’s faces,” said Kathryn. “Plus, we saw them change into things that weren’t there a minute ago. Seriously, how has no-one picked up on this before?”
“My hometown is full of idiots,” said Timmy. “Not that I’m admitting to anything…”
“Listen, we’re not going to say anything about your fairies,” said Light. “We want to help you, together we can win this competition.”
“Didn’t you hear us last time? The answer’s still no,” said Timmy. “Timmy, wish us out of here.”
“Wait a minute Timmy,” said Louise. “Maybe they can be of some use to us.”
“You’re not seriously considering this, are you?” snapped Timmy. “These are my fairies…oops.”
“Your secret’s safe with us,” assured Light. “Come on guys, we only want what’s best for our chances of winning, and that’s to team up with as many others as possible. And unfortunately, we’ve got a few too many enemies for that to work out too well.”
“Hey Timmy,” said Louise, dragging Timmy a few feet away and started whispering. The two of them kept speaking in hushed voices. At one point, Light thought he heard a kind of ringing sound, but he shrugged it off. Eventually, Louise turned to face the two older kids again. “Okay, we’ll team up with you,” she said. “But to make sure you won’t try anything…” Louise pulled out their camera, and took Light and Kathryn’s picture. “We get your picture, you don’t get ours. If you help us win this challenge, we’ll know we can trust you. You’re only allowed to do enough to keep yourselves in this contest. This is to prove whether we can trust you, okay?”
“I promise, we won’t try anything evil towards you guys,” said Kathryn.

Confession Cam: Kathryn
“I mean, it’s not untrue. This is a competition, and we intend to win. Getting them eliminated when we no longer need them is well within the rules and in no way evil, right?”

“Okay Wade, here’s where it crashed,” said Kim, stopping in front of the crashed drone. “Can you do anything about it?”
“The drone itself? No,” said Wade. “But you might still be able to use the camera part if it’s still working.”
“And if it isn’t?” asked Kim.
“Then I’ll be your camera,” said Wade.
“Wouldn’t that be easier than trying to fix this thing?” asked Murtagh.
“On the plus side, you went exactly where we thought you would,” came a voice behind them. Kim and Murtagh spun around to see Kathryn and Louise each take a picture of them. “Thank you for being predictable.” The two teams laughed as they left.
“Kim…” said Murtagh, seeing her expression. “Are…are you okay?”
Kim ignored him and looked at her Kimunicator. “Wade, how long until this thing can be a camera?”
“I’m already done,” said Wade, who had just finishing tapping away at his keyboard.
“Good. Murtagh, we have some pictures to take,” said Kim, storming away from the clearing.
“I know you’re probably not in the best mood right now…” started Sabriel as Kim walked past. “But, uh…” Kenny dropped out of a tree and took a picture, making sure to get both Kim and Murtagh in the shot. Kim responded by pushing Kenny down a nearby hill. “Yeah, I thought that would happen.”
“Honestly, I think it’s best to avoid her for the rest of the day,” said Murtagh, following his team mate. “You might wanna go get him back.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time today,” sighed Sabriel, taking off down the hill herself.

Several hours later, Don was sitting on the pier, still waiting. “Jeez, how long does it take to take a bunch of pictures?” he demanded.
“The island’s pretty big,” said a nearby intern.
“Not the point,” said Don. “It’s a simple enough challenge…wait a minute, here comes someone.” Don stood up to greet the first two contestants to finish the challenge. “Wow, didn’t expect you two to win.”
“Neither did I,” said Sabriel. “Seriously, do you have any idea how many times I had to bring Kenny back from the dead? Honestly, what Trunks and Ayane did just seemed like overkill.”
“I’m sure we’ll see it in the next Aftermath,” said Don, taking their camera. “Huh, all these pictures are really blurry.”
“Oh crap, don’t tell me we have to go back out there and do it again,” said Sabriel. Kenny looked on nervously at the thought of dying even more that day.
“Nah, this challenge has taken long enough as it is,” said Don. “Seriously, this is the eleventh page of this chapter. I’m going to say close enough and declare you two the winners.” Sabriel and Kenny began cheering as Don made an announcement over the loudspeakers for the others to come back. “So, I guess you’ll want your reward for the next challenge, right?”
“I mean, we’re supposed to by your rules, right?” asked Sabriel.
“Mmf, mmf mff mf?” asked Kenny.
“Well, here you go,” said Don, handing them a box. Kenny opened it, and looked at it suspiciously.
“Mmf? Mf?” asked Kenny.
“Hey, you don’t have to use it if you don’t want to,” said Don.
“Of course we’re gonna use it,” said Sabriel.
“Good. Now, let’s see what the others are up to,” said Don, as the screen cut to somewhere else on the island.

“Great going you two, we didn’t win,” said Louise.
“That’s not our fault,” said Kathryn. “We just didn’t…”
“Do enough,” finished Louise. “Yeah, we know. I’d do something to you because of it, but I’ll let Timmy do that.”
“I mean, I wish we had some way of alerting all the teams who haven’t got your picture to this exact location,” said Timmy. All of a sudden, a giant green megaphone appeared in the sky, blaring alarms and whistles. “Oh, what do you know, there is. See you two.”
“You little traitors,” snarled Kathryn as the two kids walked away. Unfortunately, the noise was so loud and was blasting in her ear, causing her to fall over from the sheer force of the sound.
“There they are,” yelled someone, and Light saw plenty of movement coming from the trees.
“Well Kathryn, I think this might be it for us,” said Light, helping her up. “There’s nowhere for us to go, and…” Before he could finish his sentence, something hard knocked him over, forcing him down a small embankment with Kathryn. “Holy crap, it looks like we were save by…I don’t believe it.”
“What the hell Wallace?” yelled Edward. “Why did you get rid of him?”
“And why did you drag Haruhi down with you?” asked Nora.
“I have my reasons,” said Wallace. “Now, don’t we have a competition to finish?”
“Don’t we lose points for everyone who takes our picture?” asked Artemis. “Which would put Wallace and Haruhi near the bottom of the list.”
“Unless they’ve got a bunch of pictures of us already,” said Kouta.
“Yeah, about that,” said Wallace, pulling out his camera. Wallace started lifting his camera up to his eye…
…then threw it on the ground and stomped on it, destroying the camera.
Everyone stared at the wreckage in pure shock. “…why?” asked Lyra, breaking the silence.
“Yeah, I’d like to know that myself,” said Don, running in to see the group. “You realise you just disqualified yourselves right?”
“I know,” said Wallace, winking at Light. “I have my reasons.”
“But what about Haruhi?” asked Don. “Doesn’t she have a vase to pay off or something?”
“I paid that off ages ago,” said Haruhi. “At least, in the show I did. I think that plot point was forgotten in the manga.”
“Well, whatever,” said Don as the Lame-o-sine pulled up. “I’m sorry to see you two go, especially since 90% of this fic’s humour comes from whatever Wallace says. Your ride awaits.”
“See you guys,” said Wallace, as he got in the car with Haruhi. As the car took off, Wallace asked Haruhi the question he wanted to ask. “Do you think it worked?”
“I hope so,” said Haruhi. “I actually haven’t paid that vase off, so this better be worth it.”

Confession Cam: Light
“Wallace…saved us. He stopped us getting eliminated. After Timmy and Louise betrayed us. They had no obligation to do that. Is this a sign?” Light thought for a moment. “Maybe I should tell some of the others about the…” Light looked like he wanted to continue, but couldn’t. He seemed confused by this, but shrugged it off.

“Well, there goes another two,” said Don. “Who’s gone next? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Dram Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “Wallace came up with an idea of how to get back at Light. A convoluted, stupid idea that no sane person would have come up with. To really emphasize how stupid it was, he got himself and Haruhi eliminated, which was somehow part of the plan. Yeah, figure that one out. Speaking of the challenge, the contestants were tasked with taking photos of each other, which Kenny and Sabriel aced at and won, while Light and Kathryn discovered Louise and Timmy’s shocking secret, and got a taste of betrayal for the first time in four and a half seasons.”
“Technically, only the first three seasons count,” said Wallace from off-screen.
“What is it with you guys and appearing after you’ve already been kicked off?” demanded Don, before sighing heavily. “I’m going to miss him. He’s 90% of this fic’s humour.” The scene cuts back to Don. “Who’s going to disappear this time? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

It was a dark and quiet night when it happened. Silently, someone crept into each tent, and took something away.
The next day, Finn came out of his tent yawning. “I wonder where Katniss went,” he pondered aloud. “She wasn’t in her sleeping bag when I woke up…”
“I was going to ask you the same thing about Kim,” said Murtagh, approaching him. “She’s gone too.”
“I’m sure they’re fine,” said Zidane. “They probably just went to the bathroom or something. Besides, they’re tough. I doubt anything’s happened to them. Although with that said…have you guys seen Max?”
“What’s really weird is Alice is gone too,” said Ash. “Even if something did happen to all our partners, there’s no way Alice wouldn’t have seen it coming and warned everyone.”
“You realise this is probably all part of today’s challenge, right?” asked Artemis. “I mean, all the girls disappearing in a single night, most of whom have some kind of superpower or at the very least are accomplished fighters? I highly doubt Don has THAT kind of manpower.”
“I don’t like this,” said Peter. “Last time half the population disappeared, Thanos had snapped his fingers.”
Everyone stared at him waiting for him to continue. “And?” asked Patrick.
“Trust me, it wasn’t pleasant,” said Peter.
“Well, anyway,” said Edward. “I wonder when Don will tell us to go to find the girls?”

“Find and RESCUE the girls,” said Don’s voice, as suddenly a hologram of Don appeared before them. “For you see, the girls have been kidnapped, and it’s up to you to…”
“I’m sorry, kidnapped?” asked Trunks. “Have you met Ayane? She’d never let me, her teammate, touch her without good cause, and you think you can kidnap her?”
“I know, it sounds a little farfetched…” started the Holo-Don.
“A little?” asked Light. “I can sort of believe Louise and Kathryn, even at a stretch Lyra. But do you really think the rest of them wouldn’t have raised the alarm in some way? Hell, Alice doesn’t even sleep and can see the freaking future. How does someone kidnap someone who knows they’re about to be kidnapped?”
“Okay, okay, I get it,” said the Holo-Don. “You don’t believe me and you know this is a challenge. But please, just play along for the sake of the challenge.”
“No,” said Gray bluntly.
“I’ll play along sarcastically,” said Patrick.
The Holo-Don sighed heavily. “I guess that’s the best I can hope for,” he muttered. “Anyway, the girls have been kidnapped…”
“Oh no, how dreadful,” said Patrick, almost robotically.
“…and your task is to travel to the other side of the island where they’re being held, rescue them, and bring them back to the campsite,” said the Holo-Don.
“Oh gee, whatever will we do without our partners?” asked Patrick, still mocking Don.
“Please stop that,” said the Holo-Don.
“Won’t we get a lot of feminists complaining that it’s sexist for the female characters to be playing second fiddle to the males?” asked Timmy. “And on top of that, they’ve all been kidnapped, which is just projecting the damsel in distress cliché.”
“All I can say to that is that those feminists can go fuck themselves,” said the Holo-Don. “They’re clearly in no danger, since they can easily kill anything that would normally pose as a threat to them. And besides, this is a work of fiction. Fanfiction at that. Comedic fanfiction at that…”
“Don’t try to oversell us,” interrupted Patrick.
“The point is that there’s nothing to get upset about, so don’t,” said the Holo-Don. “Now that they’re all nice and triggered, off you go. Kenny, feel free to use your tracker from the previous episode to find Sabriel.”
“That’s what he got?” asked Zidane. “I was half expecting it to be some vaguely referred to object that we never see and end up being no use to him whatsoever.”
“Well, it’s not,” said the Holo-Don. “He’s got something extremely useful that there’s no rule against taking from him.”
“Oh, is that so?” asked Timmy, looking over at a suddenly nervous looking Kenny.
“That is right,” said the Holo-Don. “Well, good luck.” And with a flash, the hologram disappeared.
“Mf mff,” said Kenny, looking around at the thirteen sets of eyes that were suddenly on him. “Mf…mmfff mf.” Kenny immediately dashed forward, right through Murtagh’s legs and off into the trees.

“QUICK, AFTER HIM!” yelled Timmy, charging after Kenny. He had just reached the tree line before he realised no-one was following him. “Hey, why aren’t you guys trying to catch him too?”
“Why bother?” asked Kouta. “We’re surrounded by several people who, if they wanted to take the tracker, they would have by now.”
“Oh please, I’m only one guy,” said Zidane. “And in any case, I didn’t steal it, because I couldn’t be bothered.”
“You can steal things that don’t actually exist from people you’re not even standing near, but you didn’t steal something that could win you the challenge?” asked Light.
“I’m very selective with what I steal,” said Zidane, shrugging his shoulders. “Speaking of which, here’s your bra back.” Light stared at him in confusion, them just sighed and took his bra back.
“Well, guess we better get moving,” said Finn, heading off into the bushes. The others muttered their agreements, before leaving in various directions.
“Surely if I follow the coast, I’ll get to the other side of the island where the girls are being kept eventually,” said Patrick, heading down to the beach and following the waterline.

“Thorn, any sign of where Kim is being held?” asked Murtagh.
No sign of her, replied Thorn, still circling above them.
“How about you Swellow?” asked Ash, as one of his bird Pokémon landed before him. The large bird just shook its head. “Huh, that’s odd. I even gave Alice a few of my Pokémon, just on the unlikely occasion when she might need them. Surely she would have seen Swellow and known to make some kind of signal for us.”
“Maybe they’re underground?” suggested Peter. “It would explain why we can’t see them from the air.”
“Good idea,” said Ash, rummaging through his backpack. “I just need to find Krookodile, and…oh, wait, that’s one of the ones Alice has right now.”
“Damn it Alice, a little warning next time,” muttered Murtagh, leading the others onwards.

Light was strolling through the trees when he heard someone moving around nearby. Quickly, Light ducked behind a tree, before peering out to see who it was. As he watched, Finn appeared in the clearing, slowly working his way past him. ‘I wonder if I can get Finn to help me against Timmy and Louise,’ thought Light. ‘I mean, Wallace forgave me. Maybe Finn’s willing to bury the hatchet too. Plus, he needs to know about the fairies. With the lot of us working together, we can stop the fairies from being too much of a hindrance.’ Light approached the boy cautiously but purposely. “Hey Finn.”
Finn responded by swinging around to face him, sword in hand. “What do you want?” he demanded.
“Finn, please, I just want to talk,” said Light. “And maybe make amends so we can work together.”
“Sorry, I must have heard you wrong,” said Finn. “I thought I just heard you say you wanted to work together.”
“No, that’s right,” said Light. “I think we can be a powerful team if we work together, and…”
“ARE YOU CRAZY?!” yelled Finn. “I hate you. After everything you did to me and Katniss, why would I ever want to work with you?”
“Hey, Wallace forgave me for what I did to Haruhi,” said Light. “His saving me from elimination made me see the error of my ways. I figure it’s high time that I start making amends, and make some strong alliances so we can stop Timmy and Louise…”
“So that’s what this is about,” said Finn. “You want my help to beat contestants that don’t pose a threat to you, just like when you made me get Haruhi eliminated in season one.”
“You don’t understand,” said Light. “Louise and Timmy have…” Light looked as though he was about to continue, but couldn’t.
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that,” said Finn. “Can you repeat that?”
“I was saying they have…” Light tried again, but again his voice failed at the critical moment.
“Wow, great explanation,” said Finn sarcastically. “But I think I’ll take my chances with them until you come up with a better reason. Seeya.” Finn put his sword away, and strode off through the bushes, leaving a dumbfounded Light in his wake.

Confession Cam: Light
“Why couldn’t I say…GAH, I keep forgetting I can’t say it. Wait a minute, the ringing sound when Louise and Timmy were talking. Did they wish for a way for me and Kathryn to not say…GRR, I can’t believe I’ve been outplayed by a couple of fucking ten year olds.”

Kenny was panting hard after running so far away from the others. Hoping he’d gotten enough distance between himself and them, he pulled out the tracker and turned it on. At first it didn’t make a sound, but slowly Kenny started turning until the machine started beeping. Kenny began following it, not noticing that he was heading straight for a cliff…
…Luckily, as he was about to step off the ledge, a tree fell over and landed directly in front of him against the rocks, so Kenny walked straight down to the bottom without noticing the danger he’d been in. Or the danger he was currently in, as a hungry mountain lion slowly stalked his prey: the little boy in the orange hood. The large cat got close to its target, then it pounced…
…Only to be tackled by another mountain lion, trying to protect its territory from a rival predator. The two cats wrestled noisily nearby, but Kenny didn’t see or hear them, because he was still following the signal of the tracker. So absorbed was he in the search, that he didn’t see the large hole directly in front of him…
…But, as he was about to step in, the tracker stopped beeping. Kenny hit the thing, but it still didn’t make a noise. He started turning around with it, and suddenly it started beeping again when he’d made a ninety degree turn from when he was facing the hole.
Kenny started heading in that direction, when suddenly he crashed into a familiar set of legs. “Kenny, what are you doing here?” asked Sabriel.
“Mf? Mmf mf mf mmff mff?” asked Kenny.
“I’m coming to save you, as Don told us to do in the challenge,” said Sabriel. “Or at least what passes for saving you, since there’s no way Don could have kidnapped most of you.”
“Mf…mmf mff mf mmf mf,” said Kenny, astonished.
“Really?” asked Sabriel. “Because I remember our morning went something like this…”

That morning, Annabeth got out of bed, and immediately noticed something weird. “This isn’t my tent,” she said. “And where’s Peter?” Cautiously, she got out of bed and left her tent, and saw several of the other girls, but no sign of any of the boys. “Where are the guys?”
“Beats me,” said Max. “But hey, let’s enjoy this whole girl power thing we’re getting right now while it lasts.”
“We’re actually pretty sure Alice knows but won’t tell us,” said Katniss.
“Of course I know,” said Alice, shaking with anticipation. “But I’m not allowed to tell you yet.”
“Got it, it’s challenge related,” said Kim. “So since we’ve figured that out on our own, it’s okay to talk about it, right?”
“Let me just check,” said Alice, going into a trance like state. Shortly afterwards she came too. “Yeah, it’s fine,” she confirmed. “But before I can start talking about it…”
“Good morning ladies,” said Don, appearing before them as a hologram.
“…That happens,” finished Alice.
“So, you may have noticed that your partners are missing…” started the Holo-Don.
“I thought it smelled better around here,” said Kathryn.
“Well, that’s because they’ve been kidnapped, and you guys have to go save them,” said the Holo-Don.
“Bullshit,” said Ayane. “Trunks can pretty much bench-press a planet. There’s no way you’d kidnap him.”
“And anyway, we’re the ones not in the right place,” said Raven. “Technically, wouldn’t that make us the kidnapped ones?”
“Fine, whatever,” said the Holo-Don. “The point is, you have to go find them and go back to the campsite. Last one back loses. Sabriel, feel free to use that tracker you won. Everyone else, feel free to try and take it from her.” And with that, the Holo-Don vanished.

“A tracker, eh?” said Kathryn. “I guess we better gang up on her to take it from her, and make finding the boys easier.” No-one moved. “And by that, I meant you guys, since I have no kind of power or fighting experience to take her on with.”
“Thing is,” said Saeko. “We like Sabriel. Enough so that we wouldn’t attack her.”
“Actually, I don’t really know her that well,” said Nora. “But I like her more than I like you, so I’m not going to do anything to her.”
“I’ll fight her with you,” said Louise.
“With what?” asked Kathryn.
“…I’ll get back to you,” said Louise.
“Honestly Kathryn, did you expect that to work?” asked Alice. “In fact, Sabriel, we’ll give you a one minute head start, so it’s harder for Kathryn to mess with you.”
“Aww, how sweet of you,” said Sabriel, turning on her tracker and immediately heading off in that direction.
“Well, I’m going to sit and wait for Patrick to get here,” said Raven, beginning to meditate.
“Why? Didn’t you hear Don say that we needed to go find the boys?” asked Lyra.
“I did,” said Raven, not moving from her spot. “I just figure that Don’s told the boys that we were the ones kidnapped, and that sooner or later Patrick will get here.”
“Fair enough,” said Alice. “I mean, it’s not like any of us know where to go…”
“You were awake when they brought us here,” pointed out Katniss.
“And I helped bring you here,” added Alice. “But that doesn’t mean I know where they are. Best we can do is scramble around the island randomly to see if we can find them.” Chell seemed to take that as an order, and immediately left the group.
“Or you could use your future vision to see where they chose to go,” suggested Kim.
“Or I could do that,” said Alice, going into a trance…

“Mf, mf, mf,” said Kenny, interrupting Sabriel’s story. “Mf mf mff mmff mmfff mf mf mff mmf mf mff?”
“Never mind how I know about everything after I left,” said Sabriel. “The important thing is, we have a challenge to win. Let’s go.” Sabriel grabbed Kenny’s hand, and started off towards the campsite. Unfortunately, she didn’t notice the low hanging beehive right in front of them. Kenny bumped his head on it, and the bees began attacking him in an angry panic. “Oh, come on,” said Sabriel, before sighing and getting ready to get her partner back from Death.

“Hey Finn, there you are,” said Katniss, coming up behind him.
“Whoa, where’d you come from?” asked Finn, jumping in surprise. “I didn’t even hear you coming.”
“Well, when you’re forced to survive a few battle royales…err, I mean fights to the death, you learn how to hide yourself,” said Katniss. “So, I take it what Raven predicted about you guys being told we were kidnapped was true then?”
“I don’t what she said, but yes,” said Finn. “Come on, let’s go win.” The two began to make their way back towards the campsite. “So, Light tried to recruit me again.”
“Really? After how well it worked out for him last time?” asked Katniss.
“I know, right?” said Finn. “He said we need to work together to beat Timmy and Louise, but he couldn’t come up with a good reason as to why.”
“Timmy and Louise?” asked Katniss, suddenly curious. “Wait, didn’t Gary and Faith tell them to watch out for those two?”
“Hey, yeah,” said Finn. “And I remember seeing Kathryn trying to cosy up to them a little while ago. Why have they suddenly done a backflip?”
“Knowing Light, it could be some kind of complicated power play,” said Katniss. “But we need to keep an eye on it. Somehow, I don’t think Light would come to you of all people for help without a damn good reason.”
“Ugh, just the thought that we might have to work with Light is enough to make me sick,” said Finn, continuing on towards the finish line.

“There you are Light,” said Kathryn. “Come, there hasn’t been a winner yet…”
“We have a bigger problem,” said Light, stopping for a moment to catch his breath. “We can’t say the word…DAMN IT! Those things Timmy has, we can’t say it.”
“You mean…” began Kathryn, looking like she was going to say it, but then stopped. “What did they do?”
“They made a wish against us,” said Light. “One that stops us saying…it, and now we can’t explain why we need to stop those two without looking like idiots.”
“That is problematic,” said Kathryn. “How do we overcome it?”
“The only way I can think of is to catch them in the act of making a wish,” said Light. “Which will be difficult, because they’ll know we’re out for revenge and they’ll be doing everything they can to stop us outing them.”
“On top of that, the others contestants don’t like us,” said Kathryn. “Which means we’ll not only have to out them, but in a way that proves that they’re a threat.” Kathryn watched as Light’s face broke out in a broad grin. “Um, Light, are you okay?” she asked as her partner started laughing.
“Oh, this is going to be fun,” said Light. “They may have won this round, but the war is far from over. Come on, we have to stay in this game if we’re gonna take them down.” Light headed off towards the campsite, with Kathryn following close behind.

“Ah, finally, finishers,” said Don, getting up from his chair. “What took you guys so long?”
“Maybe if you didn’t make both sides believe the other would be in one place the whole time, they’d be able to find each other easier,” said Katniss.
“But where would the fun be in that?” asked Don. “For me, at least. You guys would have fun searching for each other, but I’d be bored.”
“Whatever man, what do we get for next time?” asked Finn. “Oh wait, let me guess, we have to wait until next time to get it.”
“Nope, here it is,” said Don, handing them a box. Katniss took the offered box and immediately opened it.
“Really Don?” asked Katniss. “This looks like it was a shoebox, but all you’ve got inside is a single scrap of paper.”
“What’s it say?” asked Finn, reaching it to grab it.
“You might wanna keep it a secret,” said Don. “It’ll help you in the next challenge if no-one knows what it says.”
“Like who? There’s no-one else arou…” started Finn.
“Hey guys, we’re here,” said Alice.
“When did you…oh, never mind,” said Katniss.

“So, you finally made it here,” said Raven, coming out of her meditative state.
“Well, it would have been helpful if you had come looking for me instead of making me do all the work,” said Patrick. “So, shall we head back to the camp now?”
“No need,” said Don, flying above them in a helicopter. “Everyone else is already there.”
“Wait, how long was I meditating?” asked Raven.
“Six hours,” said Don. “Patrick thought it wouldn’t take that long to go around the edge of the island.”
“I thought it would be smaller,” said Patrick as the Lame-o-sine pulled up.
“Whatever, I have to go be in Titans,” said Raven, getting into the car.
“Nah, go back to being in the real version of your show,” said Patrick, following her in. “You know, like the movie of the fake version of your show is implying will happen.” The door closed, and the Lame-o-sine drove away.
“And with that, we’ve crossed the halfway mark of the season,” said Don. “And it only took eight months. If anyone’s actually still reading this, thank you for sticking with this, and hopefully this will be over before April next year. But we’ll find out whether that happens next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “One half of each team got kidnapped. Who got kidnapped depends on who you ask…”
“They’ve really lowered the bar for what counts as kidnapping then,” said Zidane from off screen. “Hell, my kidnapping of Dagger was a more legitimate kidnapping.”
“SHUT UP, MONKEY BOY!” yelled Don. “Anyway, the contestants had to go find their partners and get back here, which Katniss and Finn managed to do first. Speaking of Finn, Light tried talking to him about Timmy having fairies, only to find that he couldn’t say the word fairy, which makes talking to people about fairies extremely difficult.”
“You’re having fun with this, aren’t you?” asked Light.
“Oh, you having no idea,” said Don mockingly. The scene cut back to Don. “Who will crack under the pressure? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”
Intro song plays.
“One of the best things about modern technology,” said Light, creeping through the trees. “Most phones have a camera in them, so we just have to be close enough to film them without them noticing. After that, we show everyone the footage, and we don’t have to worry about them not believing us anymore.”
“Shh,” hushed Kathryn. “I think I can hear them.” The two of them ducked down and crept closer to the voices. “There they are.”
In the clearing before them stood Timmy and Louise, and floating next to them were the two fairies. They were too far away for them to hear what they were saying, but that didn’t matter. They just needed to fairies on tape.
“Gotcha,” said Light, holding up his phone and making sure the fairies were in the shot. Light filmed for a few seconds, then shut off the recording, not wanting to risk discovery. As Light hid himself again, Cosmo and Wanda lifted their wands and cast something, but neither of the teens heard nor saw anything.

“Attention contestants, please meet in the Mess Hall for today’s challenge,” said Don over the loudspeakers.
“Okay Alice, you know Katniss and Finn have read the paper,” said Ash. “Any idea what it said?”
“I don’t,” said Alice. “I have been intentionally avoiding using my powers for this, out of respect for our friends.”
“I guess…” said Ash, sounding disappointed. “It just means we’ll have to try harder I guess.”
“Of course you will,” said Gray. “You’re competing against me, for one thing.”
“Confident, are we?” asked Alice.
“You have no idea,” said Saeko. “He’s been getting a bit full of himself ever since he beat Zuko. It’s getting kind of annoying.”
“Come on Saeko, I need a new rival,” said Gray. “No-one else here has fire magic for me to go against.”
“Hey guys,” said Murtagh, approaching the group with Kim.
“YOU!” yelled Gray, marching up to him. “You’re part dragon right? My rival at home is a dragon. You’re now my rival. See you in the challenge.” And with that, Gray marched off to the Mess Hall. Saeko just shrugged her shoulders and followed him.
“Did the guy who doesn’t wear pants just decide we were rivals?” asked Murtagh.
“It looked like it,” said Kim.
“Huh,” said Murtagh, shrugging it off.
“You don’t care?” asked Kim.
“Not really,” said Murtagh. “I mean, it’s only Gray.”
“Them’s fighting words,” said Alice, leading the group off to the Mess Hall.

Later, when everyone was gathered…
“Okay guys, who’s ready for today’s challenge?” asked Don.
“I doubt you’re going to delay it if we say no, so we might as well say yes,” said Max.
“Excellent,” said Don. “Today’s challenge is to find Chris’s secret vault, hack into it, get the advantage for the next challenge, and then come back here.”
“That seems way too simple,” said Ayane. “What’s the catch?”
“The catch is that we’ve planted a fake advantage in amongst the real ones,” said Don. “Come back with that, and get eliminated.”
“What do you mean?” asked Trunks. “Are you saying everyone gets something?”
“That is indeed the case,” said Don.
“So, what’s the next challenge?” asked Nora.
“Do you really think I’m going to tell you that?” asked Don. “In fact, do you really think Kieran knows what it is yet?”
“Typical,” muttered Edward.
“Anyway, the loser for this challenge will be determined by who picks the fake prize, not who comes last,” said Don. “With that said, the winner is still the one who gets back here first. Unless you’re stupid enough to grab the bad prize, then it goes to whoever came second.”
“And when will we know that we grabbed the wrong thing?” asked Timmy.
“When everyone’s back here,” said Don. “So I can kick you out in front of everyone. And so you can’t go back and get something else.”
“Well, there goes that plan,” said Louise. “So, where’s the vault?”
“As if I’m going to tell you that,” said Don. “Though I will say that Katniss and Finn have been told the combination already.”
“So that’s what these random numbers are,” said Finn.

“Hey, wouldn’t Alice have already seen Katniss and Finn entering the combination into the vault?” asked Kathryn. “She’s got an unfair advantage because she already knows the combination.”
“Okay, first of all, I haven’t done that,” said Alice. “Second, there are a lot of different futures to see right now since there are a lot of decisions about which way to go to make, so there are a lot of futures where they get there after it’s already open. And following everyone’s path to see who beat them will be difficult because half of you aren’t human.”
“I think she’s talking about you,” whispered Peter to Annabeth.
“This coming from a spider-mutant,” Annabeth shot back.
“Besides, it’s our clue, and we don’t care if Alice knows it,” said Finn. “In fact, if any of our friends ask, we’ll show it to them.”
“Am I…” started Light.
“Do you really have to ask?” asked Katniss.
“Didn’t think so,” said Light.
“Thanks for the offer guys,” said Kim. “But we can beat you without the combination.”
“It’ll be more satisfying to beat you without it,” said Zidane.
“Suit yourselves,” said Katniss, tucking the combination into her pocket. “I mean, you’re wrong about beating us, but you’ll find that out soon enough.”
“Alright contestants, get ready,” said Don. “And…go.” The thirteen pairs ran out of the Mess Hall and split up in search of the vault.
“Okay, where would Chris hide a secret vault?” asked Katniss. “What do we know about him?”
“He was an egotistical madman who loved putting people in danger for no good reason,” said Finn. “So, it’s either somewhere he loves, or somewhere extremely dangerous.”
“…let’s go with the thing he loves,” said Katniss. “I doubt he’d keep it where he could get hurt.”
“Fair enough,” said Finn. “So, where to?”
“The ruins of Chris’s mansion?” suggested Katniss.
“Don’t you mean ‘cottage’?” asked Finn, causing them both to laugh. “Yeah, let’s check it out.”

“Light, why didn’t you show the footage?” asked Kathryn. “Everyone was gathered in one spot, we could have exposed them to everyone.”
“I know,” said Light, checking around a tree. “But I want revenge. And the way to do that is to wait until they think they’re safe, then spring this on them. With any luck, Don will overrule whoever loses and disqualify them instead.”
“An interesting tactic,” said Kathryn. “So, why are we sneaking around?”
“Because I want to catch them in the act of cheating and get some pictures of that,” said Light. “The more reasons there are for getting rid of them, the more chance of them actually getting kicked out of the competition.”
“Shh…” said Kathryn, pulling Light down. “Here they come.” The two of them watched as Louise and Timmy walked right past them, the two fairies floating behind them.
“Thanks for this map to where we need to go Cosmo,” said Timmy, leading the way.
“Well, since technically it’s not a race to the vault, we’re allowed to help you like this,” said Cosmo.
“Technically, it is a race,” corrected Wanda. “They need to get there before the only thing left is the bad prize.”
“But someone else could grab that by mistake,” said Cosmo. “Therefore it’s perfectly okay.”
“Not perfectly,” muttered Wanda. “Just slightly less illegal.”
“Hey, what’s the point of loopholes if you don’t exploit them?” asked Louise. “Now come, we have a challenge to win.” The group disappeared around a corner, leaving Light and Kathryn in their hiding spot.
“Did you get that Light?” asked Kathryn.
“Every word of it,” said Light, ending the video recording. The two of them continued on their way, not hearing the quiet ringing of magic coming from Light’s pocket…

“Anything?” asked Kouta.
“No, nothing,” said Pan, in the form of a bloodhound. “It’s hard to pick out a scent of someone who’s been dead for a while, especially when everyone on the island has muffled his scent by covering every square inch with their own scent.”
“It’s okay Pan,” said Lyra, patting his head. “It was worth a try.”
“Yeah, but now we have no idea where we’re going,” said Kouta. “Though it looks like a lot of the contestants are heading towards the ruins of Chris’s mansion cottage.”
“Wow Kouta, how can you tell that?” asked Lyra. “I can’t see anyone around. Do you have really good eyesight or something?”
“…you know, I’m not sure how I knew that,” said Kouta. “But come on, let’s go before everyone else gets the good stuff.”

“We’re here,” said Katniss, staring at the wreckage. “Soo…how are we going to find anything in this?”
“Make way, coming through,” said Trunks, landing in front of them and immediately starting to effortlessly throw pieces of rubble out of his way.
“Guess we just wait for him to find it then?” asked Finn.
“If we find it, you open it,” said Ayane. “Most safes lock you out after three incorrect attempts, so you might as well have the thing open in one shot.”
“The combination isn’t that hard. It actually has three ones in it,” said Finn. “Consecutive, even.”
“Really?” asked Trunks, still moving debris. “What kind of combination is that?”
“His birthday, apparently,” said Katniss. “781118.”
Trunks stopped what he was doing. “This doesn’t bode well with me,” said Trunks. “Chris was a well-known man. Anyone with an internet connection could have Googled that information. And the most common thing people use as a password is their birthday. Hell, even our author has his birthday at the end of his username.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” said Katniss. “I mean, Chris was really arrogant. He probably just assumed everyone loved him too much to want to rob him.”
“Hmm…” thought Trunks out loud, before he continued digging through the ruins. Ayane, Katniss and Finn began helping out, though at a much slower pace.
“Hey, I think I found something,” called Finn, trying to lift a particularly heavy piece of wreckage. Ayane and Katniss joined him, but even between the three of them they couldn’t lift it.
“Here, leave it to me,” said Trunks, lifting it up with one hand.
“Show-off,” muttered Katniss, as she took in the sight of the giant metal door before her. “Well, I think this is it.”
“Be careful,” said Trunks. “I still don’t trust that Chris would make something like this so easy.”
“Relax Trunks,” said Katniss, entering the code. “What’s the worst that could…”

“OPEN VAULT!” yelled Zidane, running past the group and into the safe. Less than a second later, there was an explosion, and Zidane came hurtling out again, projected by a fireball. “I’m okay,” he said, after hitting a wall so hard he made a large dent in it, then being crushed by a piece of roof that was being held up by it.
“Zidane, why did you just rush in there without a second thought?” asked Max.
“I’m a thief. It’s in my nature to go after treasure as soon as it appears,” said Zidane. “And the opening of a safe is exactly the sort of thing that would trigger this kind of reaction.”
“Well, it would explain how we went from the other side of the island to here in about 0.2 seconds,” said Max.
“Guys, we have a different problem,” said Finn. “How are we supposed to get in there if there’s something shooting fireballs at us?”
“Actually, it looks like that was the only one,” said Trunks. “See this tripwire? Zidane snapped it when he went in, making it useless.”
“Glad to be of service,” said Zidane, as another piece of wall landed on his head.
“Idiot,” muttered Max, following the others into the vault.
“Holy crap, looking at all this stuff,” said Katniss, walking past shelves of stuff. “I didn’t know Chris owned all this.”
“That’s because he didn’t,” said Don’s voice, as suddenly he appeared on a screen at the back of the vault. “We put this stuff here as part of the challenge. The stuff that was actually here was sold off to afford the show’s running costs. Why else would there be anything left in here?”
“To be fair, Chris was pretty rich,” said Trunks.
“Rich enough to afford the Mona Lisa?” asked Katniss. “Or the Scream? Or…”
“Yeah, fair enough,” said Trunks. “So, what’s with all the famous art?”
“You’ll see soon enough,” said Don, who began to laugh manically. “Oh, wait, is this thing still on? Shit…” Don fumbled around with something on the camera, and then it went blank.
“That sounded…ominous,” said Zidane.
“Oh well, let’s just take something and go,” said Max, grabbing a painting off the wall. “Come on, let’s go.”
“Wait, which picture did you pick?” asked Zidane. Max held up the painting she’d picked for them: A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. Zidane stared at the painting, as the camera cut to the painting, then cut back to Zidane, then had a closer shot of the painting, then back to Zidane, then an even closer shot of the painting, then back to Zidane, then even closer to the painting, so close that now there was very little detail to be seen. “Well, that was weird,” said Zidane, snapping out of his trance and leaving with Max.
“Well, guess we’ll take this one then,” said Ayane, grabbing the Mona Lisa.
“Why do I feel like this is the wrong one?” asked Trunks.
“Well, everything else looks like precious art,” said Ayane. “Might as well go the most precious.”
“We’ll take this one,” said Katniss. “Because it looks weird.”
“Why are the clocks melting?” asked Finn, before shrugging his shoulders and leaving with Katniss.

Steadily throughout the day, more and more people found the vault, and left with their artwork, until at last there was only one left.
“Damn it,” said Artemis, entering the vault. “There’s only one thing left. American Gothic? I don’t suppose this is a good one, is it?”
“It is one of the good ones,” said Don, as the TV in the vault flickered to life. “You and Chell are still in the competition.”
“So someone here is getting eliminated?” asked Sabriel. “Who is it?”
“Gray and Saeko,” said Don, turning to face the two of them.
“Wait, what? Why?” asked Gray.
“Well, everyone else took pieces of classic art,” said Don. “You took a picture made by Shadman.”
“I thought it was funny,” said Gray.
“There is nothing funny about a female Minion taking off her overalls,” said Don. “That’s just a sin against nature.”
“Come on Gray,” said Saeko, as the Lame-o-sine pulled up. “Let’s go…”
“Hold on,” said Light. “Before we end this episode, I have something to share with everyone.”
“Make it snappy, Kieran wants to finish that Kids Next Door fic,” said Don.
“I’d like to reveal that Louise and Timmy have been conspiring against us all,” said Light, pulling out his phone. “They have something that I can’t talk about, because they’ve taken steps to prevent me from doing so. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t video it.” Light hits play on the video on his phone…
…only for the footage to be blurred beyond recognition.
“What?” said Light, staring in horror at his phone. “No. No. NO! This is a new phone. How is it already broken?”
“Wow Light, I can’t believe you got footage of Bigfoot,” said Alice sarcastically.
“Bigfoot? It looked more like the Loch Ness Monster,” said Kim, equally as sarcastic.
“Either way, it was a complete waste of time,” said Don, shoving Gray and Saeko into the Lame-o-sine. “So, we’ll see you guys after the next Aftermath episode. Who will we be saying goodbye to then? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants.
Arya and Stifler
“Who cares? Hit-Girl’s gone. The only person I considered my equal in this competition is gone. No matter what happens, I win.” “That makes two of us. Now that Jake’s gone, I feel like I’ve accomplished my life’s goal.”
Haruhi and Wallace
“You realise the outcome of this concerns me too, right?” “I’m aware. But how much do you really care?”
Patrick and Raven
“So, you finally made it here.” “Well, it would have been helpful if you had come looking for me instead of making me do all the work.”
Gray and Saeko
“He’s been getting a bit full of himself ever since he beat Zuko. It’s getting kind of annoying.” “Come on Saeko, I need a new rival.”
Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage.

“What is up dudes?” asked Geoff. “Welcome to the fourth of seven episodes of Aftermath for this season. I’m Geoff.”
“And I’m his fiancée Bridgette,” said Bridgette, holding his arm. The audience cheered as they shared a quick kiss. “But we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here to talk Total Drama.”
“That’s right Bridge,” said Geoff. “Not only have we got interviews with the eliminated contestants, but also That’s Gonna Leave A Mark, Truth or something, and some never before seen footage.”
“But of course, our show wouldn’t be complete without our Peanut Gallery of Total Drama contestants past,” said Bridgette. “Let’s bring them out, shall we?”
“First up, we have Amy,” said Geoff. Amy walked out onstage, smiling wickedly. “Hey, what’s that look for?”
“Oh, nothing much,” said Amy, still grinning with evil intent. “Just…THIS!” Amy pulled out her phone, to reveal a photo of her sister sitting on the toilet, trying to cover herself.
“…why would you make a picture of your sister like this go public?” asked Bridgette.
“Duh, because she called me a bitch when she was on,” said Amy, before being cut off by Geoff laughing at something on his phone. “What’s so funny?”
“Oh, just that Samey tweeted at us,” said Geoff. “She asked if that was your birthmark on your upper left thigh?” Sure enough, the camera zoomed in on a mark on her thigh.
“I…uh…she has one too,” stammered Amy.
“You took a picture of yourself to frame her, didn’t you?” asked Geoff.
“Looking at the angle, it looks like she couldn’t have,” said Bridgette. “So, she got someone to take a picture of herself on the toilet.”
“You know what? Screw you guys,” said Amy, closing her phone and storming out of there, the audience laughing at her humiliation.
“Wow, we already lost one, and we still have eleven people to introduce,” said Bridgette. “Anyway, please welcome Brick.” Brick marched out onstage…then struck a pose. “Umm, what are you doing?”
“What I was born to do,” said Brick, striking another pose. “This is what they taught me at fashion school.”
“Oh, that’s right, he went there,” said Geoff. “You know this isn’t a fashion show, right?”
“Always a good idea to be in practice, soldier,” said Brick, making one final pose before sitting down.
“Okay…” said Geoff. “Well, also here we have Carrie.” Carrie came out onstage, waving to everyone as she sat down.
“Dawn,” said Bridgette. Dawn floated down from the roof, landing softly in the seating area.
“DJ,” said Geoff.
DJ ran out onstage, high-fiving Geoff and hugging Bridgette as he reached them. “Dude, congratulations on your engagement,” he said, as he took his seat.
“Thanks dude,” said Geoff. “You’ll totally be getting an invite.”
“Excuse me, but were you planning on discussing that with me?” asked Bridgette.
“Come on Bridge, it’s DJ,” said Geoff. “He’s cool, remember?”
“I guess…” said Bridgette. Geoff looked her at DJ while she wasn’t looking, trying to see if he had any idea what that was about, but DJ just shrugged his shoulders. Bridgette coughed, then continued introducing their guests. “Please welcome Harold.” Harold slid onto the stage, then crashed into the back of the seating area.
“Dude, total wipeout,” said Geoff, as Harold pulled himself off the floor. “Also on the show tonight, we have Josee.” Josee ran out onstage smiling with her hands in the air, but gave Geoff a dirty look as she sat down.
“Junior,” said Bridgette. Junior came out onstage, waving nervously to the crowd. “Aww, aren’t you adorable.”
“Hey, cut it out,” said Junior. “I’m not a little kid anymore, I’m thirteen.”
“Aww, he thinks he’s all grown up,” said Bridgette, pinching his cheek.
“Bridge, come on,” said Geoff, removing her hand from Junior’s face. “Sorry little dude.”
“Hey, it’s cool,” said Junior, taking his seat.
“Anyway, we also have Sadie,” said Geoff. Sadie came onstage, pouting. “Uh oh, what’s wrong?”
“I’m not here with Katie, that’s what’s wrong,” snapped Sadie. “Why don’t you ever let us be together?”
“Hey, look, we have a strict six guys six girls per episode rule,” started Geoff. “And if you don’t end up in the same episode as your best friend…”
“Not best friend,” said Sadie, blushing a little. “At least, not just best friend anymore.”
“Oh?” asked Geoff, before realising what she meant. “Oh. OH! Oh…Okay. Well, err…congratulations, I guess?”
“What? What’s going on?” asked Junior.
“Ask your father, kiddo,” said Bridgette. “Anyway, we also have Scott.” Scott walks in and takes a seat.
“Tammy’s here,” said Geoff.
There was a flash of smoke in front of the seating area, and as it was fading, Tammy ran onto the stage and took her seat. “Nailed it,” she whispered to herself.
“And finally, we have Tom,” said Bridgette. Tom walked onstage, tapping away at his phone. He was so absorbed in what he was doing that he walked right past the seating area and tripped over the table in front of Geoff and Bridgette. “Ooh, are you okay?”
“Of course I’m not okay,” snapped Tom. “That was an Apple iPhone XI. Do you have any idea how much that cost?”
“Four times as much as a phone that’s functionally identical?” suggested Harold.
“Bah, teenagers,” spat Tom. “What would you kids know about technology?”
“Hold on, I’ve gotta tweet about this,” said Junior, pulling out his phone.

“Anyway, what do you guys think of the show so far?” asked Bridgette.
“It’s interesting,” said Dawn. “Kathryn and Light used to have the darkest auras on the show, but theirs are lightening, letting a new evil take their place.”
“Bah, aura shmaura,” said Scott. “I wanna see that Trunks guy take the win. And not just a fake one like last season.”
“Actually, Nora proved that aura is a real thing,” said Harold. “She uses it defensively against…”
“Shut up, nerd,” said Scott, punching him off the seating area.
“Scott is right though,” said Josee. “Only winners deserve to be supported, and right now that is Trunks and Ayane.”
“Oh, come on, do you really think Kieran’s going to let both of them win a second time?” asked Tom. “Now, Kim and Murtagh on the other hand, they’re real winners. She’s a crime fighting cheerleader with a lot of spunk, he’s a troubled, misguided soul. Together, they’re the most fashionable pair left.”
“I wanna see Alice and Ash win,” said Carrie. “Everyone disrespects Twilight, and Ash hasn’t won a championship in his own show…”
“What about the Orange League?” asked Junior.
“A championship that matters,” added Carrie. “So, I think they should win.”
“Well, there’s a fair bit of division on who it should be,” said Bridgette. “But obviously, there are also some contestants who failed to take the grand prize. Let’s bring out our first pair, shall we?”

“Despite winning a few challenges, we get an exception to Josee’s winner’s prosper rule,” said Geoff, getting a glare from Josee. “Please welcome Stifler and Arya.” Stifler and Arya walked onstage, sitting down across from Geoff and Bridgette. “So guys, what’s up?”
“She refuses to give me the money she cost me,” said Stifler. “That’s what’s up.”
“I didn’t cost you anything,” said Arya. “I simply didn’t help you gain it.”
“What’s the difference?” snapped Stifler. “Either way, that’s a million dollars I’m not getting. So, princess, how’s about getting that royal family of yours to cough up a little change?”
“Well, um,” said Arya, tugging at her collar. “We don’t exactly have that kind of money anymore ever since Winterfell was burned down.”
“Great, now I’m going to be poor forever,” said Stifler, crossing his arms and sinking back into his chair.
“Jeez, grouchy,” said Geoff. “You do realise though that you were up against people with some pretty insane superpowers, right?”
“Yeah, but if we were still there we wouldn’t be the only non-superpowered team, right?” asked Stifler. “I mean, Katniss and Finn are still there.”
“I guess,” said Bridgette. “I mean, if you don’t count dealing with an oppressive government figure and the ability to graft people into dogs.”
“Edward might have a few things to say to you about that,” said Geoff. “But that’ll have to wait until after Truth or Bieber.”
An animation starts playing for Truth or Bieber, when a loud squealing sound is heard.
“Did you say Bieber?” asked Sadie. “Where? Where?”
“Settle down Sadie,” said Bridgette. “We don’t have the actual Justin Bieber, just an iPod full of his songs…” As Bridgette pulled out the iPod, Sadie ran up to her, grabbed the music player, and put the earbuds in.
“Uh, Sadie? We need that,” said Geoff, moving his hand toward the iPod. “So, if you’ll kindly give it back…” Before he could grab it, Sadie tried to bite his hand, then growled at him. “Okay, no, it’s cool, you can have it.”
“You weren’t seriously going to make us listen to that crap, were you?” asked Stifler. Sadie, who was still able to hear over the music, jumped on him, and began viciously attacking him.
As she leapt at him, she dropped the iPod on the couch next to Arya. “What’s the big deal?” asked Arya, popping the earbuds into her own ears. “Wait, that’s supposed to be a guy?” Sadie suddenly stopped her assault on Stifler, and turned on Arya. Arya just stared straight into Sadie’s eyes. “Don’t,” was all she said. Sadie leapt at her, and Arya sighed as she dodged out of the way. As Sadie turned to make another attack, she was greeted by a sword pointed at her throat. “I said don’t,” said Arya. Sadie glared at her, before simply snatching the iPod back and returning to her seat.

“Well…now that that’s over,” said Geoff. “Shall we bring out our next guests?”
“Both of them have finished in last place at some point, but these two are definitely more apathetic than pathetic,” said Bridgette, her pun being greeted by the sound of crickets. “Ahem. Anyway, here’s Haruhi and Wallace.” Haruhi and Wallace walk onstage and take a seat next to Arya. “So guys, how’s it going?”
“Not bad,” said Wallace, leaning back into the couch. “Finally don’t have to keep doing stuff.”
“That stuff was going to pay off my debt to the host club,” said Haruhi.
“Just pretend you’re post-anime Haruhi, where Kyoya clears you of the debt,” said Wallace. “As opposed to manga Haruhi, where they forget all about it halfway through.”
“Wow, that’s quite the plan,” said Geoff. “Speaking of plans you came up with…”
“You wanna know about my one against Light?” asked Wallace.
“Yeah, what’s the deal there?” asked Geoff. “I mean, you got yourself eliminated to do…what, exactly?”
“To emotionally cripple him,” said Wallace. “You see, I actually suspect he’s right about Louise and Timmy…”
“We already know,” said Scott. “We’ve been seeing them on TV for the last…while.”
“Didn’t Timmy make a wish to avoid that?” asked Harold. “And wouldn’t these fairies have rules against revealing their existence to the world?”
“Yeah, because it’s not like Kieran’s ever had a continuity error in his fanfiction before,” said Haruhi sarcastically.
“Anyway, the crux of my plan is to see if I can force enough guilt into him to make him realise what an asshole he is,” said Wallace. “So far so good.”
“Damn dude, you’re an ice cold bastard when you want to be,” said Geoff.
“You know I’m a kid, and I can hear everything you’re saying, right?” asked Junior.
“Go to bed kid,” said Stifler.
“But if he goes to bed now, he’ll miss That’s Gonna Leave a Mark,” said Geoff, as a large TV screen descended from the roof.

An animation plays for That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.
In the first clip, Edward was carefully sifting through the needles. “Come on, hurry up,” said Nora, slapping him on the back. Unfortunately, she pushed a little too hard, and Edward fell face first into the tub of needles. “Oops…” was all she could say.
In the second clip, Trunks and Ayane were strolling through the woods when Kenny took a picture of them. As Kenny began to retreat, Trunks powered up to Super Saiyan and Ayane drew her purple bladed sword. Both were about to attack when the screen cut to a message saying SCENE MISSING. After a few seconds the message vanished, showing Trunks and Ayane standing in a puddle of red.
In the third clip, Zidane saw Max flying above him. “HEY, MAX!” he yelled, but she didn’t seem to hear him. “Guess I better go up there then.” Zidane started quickly climbing some nearby trees, before launching himself at Max and grabbing her…a little too high on her chest. Max immediately noticed, and gives Zidane a very scary look. “I can explain…” he started, before Max threw him as hard as she could against the ground.
And finally, in the fourth clip, Zidane managed to get out from under the rubble covering him, only to throw it on an approaching Edward and Nora.

The TV cut to black and rose back into the roof. “Well, let’s bring out our next guests,” said Bridgette. “He’s one of the scariest guys around. Luckily his partner is part-demon. Please welcome Patrick and Raven.” Patrick and Raven walked out onstage. “So guys, what’s happening?”
“I’m still waiting for them to confirm a season six for Teen Titans,” said Raven. “Everyone’s completely written off the train wreck live-action attempt, so let’s hope the other one happens.”
“But Raven, the show hasn’t even aired yet,” said Patrick. “How do people know how bad Ti…”
“DON’T! SAY! IT!” said Raven, leaning closer and getting more threatening with each word. Patrick didn’t show any outwards signs of fear, but he backed down all the same.
“Wow, that bad, huh?” asked Bridgette.
“They want me to show emotion,” said Raven, shuddering.
“Wow, I think I was in the last good DC production,” said Patrick.
“When were you in a DC film?” asked Raven.
“Look up my actor, you’ll figure it out,” said Patrick.
“Well, fourth wall’s down again,” said Geoff. “While we fix it, let’s go to some never before seen footage.”
“For the last…while,” started Bridgette. “Someone at Camp Wawanakwa has been doing some rather…questionable things.”
“Zidane,” said Stifler, Patrick, and Wallace at the same time.
“Kouta,” corrected Haruhi and Raven at the same time.
“Really? Huh,” said Patrick. “I’d have thought…”
“That Zidane was the bigger pervert?” asked Raven. “Well, you’d be wrong.”
“Anyway, let’s see what happens when you guys aren’t competing in challenges,” said Bridgette, as the TV came down again and flickered to life.

The first clip showed Ayane undressing as she was about to get into the shower, when she suddenly stopped. She looked around for a moment, before noticing something behind a wall. She began muttering something in Japanese, before a purple blast of energy launched from her hand, blowing a hole in the wall to reveal Kouta there, holding his camera. “What have I told you about taking my picture?” she demanded. Kouta didn’t respond, he just lay on the floor bleeding. Ayane sighed. “I guess I can spare some blood to keep you alive,” she said, carrying him out of the bathroom. “But only so I can beat the shit out of you again for this.”
In the second clip, Sabriel was getting dressed when she heard a strange clicking noise. At first she ignored it, but it seemed to be getting closer and closer. There also seemed to be some white flashes accompanying it. Soon, Sabriel got sick of it, grabbed her sword, and stabbed it the direction of the clicking. The action was met with a sickening squelch. Sabriel put on the rest of her clothes, and saw Kouta had been looking through a hole in the wall with his camera, and was now lying bleeding on the ground. “Hmm…” she thought. “I could leave you here until you die and then just bring you back from Death. But…I can’t be bothered with that, so I’ll just get your wounds treated and give you some blood.”
Then, in the third and final clip, Max was cutting holes in a new shirt so she could fit her wings through it. As she was about to put it on, she saw an odd black circle looking at her from in the grass. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be the lens of a camera. Max panicked and immediately punched it, knocking Kouta down onto a rock where he cracked his head open. “Damn it,” she muttered, watching him bleeding on the ground. “Come on, I’ll get you some first aid.” Kouta picking him up and flew back to the Mess Hall.
The TV cut to black and rose back into the roof. “Wow, that dude’s persistent,” said Geoff, before noticing Bridgette’s glare. “Hey, obviously I don’t approve. I’m just saying he doesn’t learn his lesson.”
“Nice save,” whispered DJ.
“I’m just a little concerned,” said Bridgette. “I mean, all those girls who gave him blood…”
“I’m sure he didn’t make the same mistake twice with them,” said Geoff.
“That’s not what I’m worried about…” started Bridgette.

“Hey, who wants to meet our final guests for tonight?” asked Geoff, to which the audience cheered. “Okay, let’s hope she made him keep his pants on, since we have a child present.”
“HEY!” yelled Junior.
“Please welcome, Gray and Saeko,” said Geoff. Gray and Saeko walked onstage, Gray wearing a belt made of reinforced steel. “Wow, you’re that paranoid about him?”
“Would you take chances when you’re partner is prone to random bouts of nudity?” asked Saeko.
“Fair point,” said Bridgette. “So, how are you guys?”
“Not bad,” said Gray. “Though Saeko’s still annoyed at me.”
“You picked a picture by Shadman,” said Saeko. “Do you not know what he’s like?”
“He’s not from my dimension,” said Gray. “But surely he can’t be that ba…” Before he could finish talking, Saeko put a phone in front of him. “Oh…”
“Oh God, he’s into it,” said Bridgette.
“How do you know?” asked Gray.
“WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?!” screamed Saeko.
“And that’s all we have time for,” said Geoff. “For the love of God, cut to black now.”

“Ah, there you are,” said Chef, finding the remains of a broken down computer. “Don’t worry buddy, you’ll be back soon.” Chef was so preoccupied with his task, he didn’t notice one of the machines booting up…

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time, on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “I sent the contestants to find Chris’s secret vault to collect something to help them in today’s challenge. And they all found some beautiful and expensive art. Every single one of them. Except Gray and Saeko, who found a sin against nature, which is why they were eliminated. Meanwhile, Light and Kathryn tried to prove the existence of fairies, only for all evidence of them to be destroyed before they could do anything with it.” The scene cuts back to Don. “Who’s getting whited out this time? Find out now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

A large group of the contestants had gathered in the woods. “Alright Alice, what’s this about?” asked Katniss.
“Light and Kathryn,” said Alice. “I…I think they’re on to something.”
Alice’s statement was met with dead silence. “Are you fucking serious?” demanded Finn.
“Should you even be using language like that if you’re from a kid’s show?” asked Ash.
“My show just finished. Cartoon Network can’t stop me now,” said Finn. “But seriously, you’ve gotta be kidding, right? Light? Telling the truth?”
“Believe me, I’m in shock too,” said Alice. “But I just tried to see the future for Timmy, and I got nothing. For some of you, like Zidane or Annabeth, this would make sense, since I can only see the future of a human or a vampire. But Timmy seems like an average kid, so I don’t understand.”
“No need to panic,” said Peter. “Is it possible that Timmy’s not an average kid, but is something else, and is also not actually evil? I mean, both those kids are new to the competition, so it’d be just like Light to try and throw us off his trail by framing someone we don’t know.”
“Yes, that thought has crossed my mind,” said Alice. “But his last attempt to get rid of Timmy involved him videoing something, on a brand new iPhone XI no less. Apple products suck, but there’s no way it died that quickly.”
“So what do you want us to do? Team up with Light and Kathryn?” asked Sabriel.
“No. Or at least, not yet,” said Alice. “Not at all if we can avoid it. But we have to figure out what Light’s going on about. Between the lot of us, someone should be able to figure out something.”
“And if we find nothing?” asked Kim.
“Go out of our way to eliminate Light and Kathryn so we can have a nice friendly competition for the rest of our time here,” said Murtagh.
“Sounds good to me,” said Zidane. “All in agreement?”
“Do you really have to ask?” asked Max, noting that everyone’s hands were up.

“Campers, meet in the Mess Hall for today’s challenge, and bring your paintings,” announced Don over the loudspeakers.
“I really want to know what we’re doing with all this art,” said Artemis. “I mean, half this stuff is supposed to be on permanent display in high end art galleries across the planet.”
“I’d question it too, but this is Chris we’re talking about,” said Ayane. “There’s a good chance he did own these outright.”
“I’m not so sure,” said Trunks. “I think it’s more likely that he stole them, and we’ll be on the run from the authorities very soon.”
“What makes you think that?” asked Artemis.
“Quite a few approaching power levels,” said Trunks. “Ayane? Do you feel them?”
“I do,” said Ayane. “Man, this energy sensing thing is really useful. I’m going to have to use it next tournament.”
“You know there’s no way they’ll make that canon for you, right?” asked Trunks.
“We still have until February,” said Ayane, heading off to the Mess Hall.

Soon, everyone had gathered in the Mess Hall. Don stood at the front of the room, wearing an expensive looking suit. “So, I bet you’re wondering about what you’ll be doing with all that art.”
“Is it illegal?” asked Light. “Because I have strong feelings about that.”
“No, it’s not illegal,” assured Don.
“Then how the hell did Chris get all of the world’s most famous paintings?” asked Kathryn.
“You do realise that all of those were drawn with crayon, right?” asked Don.
Several of the contestants looked more carefully. “You know, I thought these were a bit waxy,” said Kouta.
“Now that I’ve established that you’re all idiots…” started Don.
“HEY!” yelled Artemis, Annabeth, and Light.
“Your challenge today is to sell those paintings,” said Don.
“You just said they were fakes,” said Lyra. “Who’s gonna want to buy fake paintings?”
“Believe me, there are people out there stupid enough to buy anything,” said Don. “Now, the winner for this challenge is the one who can make the highest sale by any means necessary, and the loser is the one who sells for the least. However, no matter how much you make or whether you survive the challenge, you get to keep the money you make.”
“So, what you’re saying is, there’s no loser?” asked Ayane.
“Actually, I most definitely said there’d be a loser,” said Don. “If you can’t make enough money, you’ll be kicked out of the competition.”
“But we gain something out of it,” said Ayane.
“But you also miss out on getting even more,” said Don. “Actually, you know what? If you want to be known as having finished twelfth, what do I care?”
“Glad to see you’re seeing it my way,” said Ayane.
“Ayane, please tell me you’re not planning to tank,” said Trunks.
“What do you care? Isn’t your mum a rich inventor or something?” asked Ayane.
“I mean, yeah…” started Trunks.
“And don’t you have those dragon balls so you can wish for infinite money?” asked Ayane.
“Not since Piccolo died,” said Trunks.
“Well, my first point still stands,” said Ayane. “And I don’t need the money, so…”
“Winning an actual season would still be nice,” muttered Trunks.
“It is,” said Ayane, smirking.

“If you’re done bickering,” said Don. “Your buyers have just arrived.” As he was speaking, a bunch of very rich looking people walked into the room. “Okay, you have one hour to sell. And keep in mind, these people are rich, so they’d much rather be at home in their diamond towers bathing in their money than slumming it up with us.”
“Slums?” gasped one of the rich people. “Oh dear, I must get out of here before my pocket gets picked.” Without another word, the rich man marched out of the Mess Hall and back onto his private plane, which took off soon after.
“The funny thing is, he doesn’t have anything in his pockets,” said Don. “All his money is in various bank accounts that can only be accessed through a chip embedded in his hand.”
“A wise man,” said another of the rich people. “It’s the only way to make sure your money is completely secure.”
“Except when I’m around,” said Zidane, holding the guy who left’s hand.
“How in the hell did you take that without him noticing?” demanded Don.
“I have him a replacement,” said Zidane.
“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY HAND?!” screamed Edward.
“Don’t worry Edward, I only stole your automail hand,” said Zidane. “Now you can have two human hands.”
“THAT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW IT WOR…” started Edward, as Zidane attached the extra hand to the end of his automail. Edward tested it out, and sure enough, the new hand worked just as well as his old automail one. “I have so many questions, and I don’t think I want them answered. For now, I’m just going to hope Winry isn’t watching, because she’s not going to like that I’ve ruined another piece of her automail.”

Meanwhile, in Resembool...
“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM!” screamed Winry, grabbing her stuff.

Back at the competition…
“Okay, your time starts now,” said Don, starting his stopwatch.
“Edward, you realise we just got a really huge advantage, right?” asked Nora. “That guy’s chip is embedded in your new hand, so we just have to set a price, and we win.”
“This feels really illegal,” said Edward.
“Yeah, well, Zidane started it,” said Nora. “That cheeky little monkey reminds me of Ruby’s drunken uncle. So do you, for that matter.”
“DID YOU JUST CALL ME LITTLE?!” demanded Edward, slamming his hand down on the desk. “BECAUSE I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW…what was that beeping sound?”
“Umm, you just slammed your hand down on the credit card machine,” said Nora. “You know, the not your real hand. Guess you pressed a few buttons with it.” The machine began printing out a receipt. “Yep, we just sold The Scream for…” Nora quickly checked the receipt. “Six dollars sixty five.”
“Congratulations, you’re winning,” said Don. “I mean, you won’t be for long, because there’s no way anyone could be doing as badly as you two right now, but you can enjoy this moment while it lasts.” Don laughed as he walked away.
“…were fucked,” said Edward and Nora at the same time.

“Maybe we should try a little harder to sell our painting?” asked Trunks.
“Drawing, not painting,” said Ayane. “Crayons are not paint.”
“Whatever,” sighed Trunks. “But seriously, shouldn’t we try just a little harder?”
“Why? We’ve got the Mona Lisa,” said Ayane. “This thing should literally sell itself.”
“Then why are the buyers looking at all the other pictures?” asked Trunks.
“Dunno,” said Ayane. “But just give ‘em time. They’ll be here soon.”
“If you say so,” said Trunks, not so convinced.

“It was a pleasure doing business with you,” said Lyra, receiving a cheque from one of the buyers.
“How’d you go Lyra?” asked Max.
“We made two hundred dollars,” said Lyra, holding up her cheque.
“What’s wrong with Kouta?” asked Zidane.
“Well, we had the painting The Birth of Venus, and, well…” started Max.
“Say no more,” said Max. “So, who hasn’t given him a blood transfusion recently?”
“I’ll do it,” said Annabeth. “I think me and Peter are done anyway.”
“May I ask how much you sold yours for?” asked Artemis. “Me and Chell managed to sell American Gothic for seven thousand and ninety four dollars and ninety six cents.”
“Well, we managed to sell Café Terrace at Night for seven thousand and ninety four dollars and ninety six cents and two buttons.”
“Buttons are not an accepted form of currency,” said Artemis.
“They are when you two are leading, and I don’t have a tiebreaker planned,” said Don, who then noticed Kouta. “Is he okay?
“He’s had another colossal nosebleed,” said Annabeth, rolling up her sleeve. “I’m giving him a transfusion.”
“How many of those has he had now?” asked Don.
“…Thirteen? Maybe fourteen,” said Lyra.
“Isn’t it dangerous to give someone that much blood from that many different sources?” asked Don. “Especially when most of those sources are superpowered beings?”
“Oh, come on, what’s the worst that could happen?” asked Peter.
“…I’ll get back to you on that,” said Don, leaving to check on the other contestants.

Throughout the day, more and more of the paintings got sold, and the buyers started leaving, until eventually…
“Well, they’re all gone, and it looks like one painting didn’t sell,” said Don. “Congratulations Edward and Nora, you survived for now.”
“I don’t understand,” said Trunks. “It’s the Mona freaking Lisa. How did it not sell?”
“You know what helps sell a picture?” asked Don. “Having the side with the picture facing outwards.”
Trunks and Ayane suddenly looked over at the painting and saw that it was, indeed, facing away from where people could see. “And you didn’t think to tell us this until now?” demanded Ayane.
“I thought it was some kind of weird strategy that I couldn’t understand,” said Don, shrugging his shoulders. “Oh well, guess I should have said something earlier. But now, your ride awaits.” The Lame-o-sine pulled up alongside the two of them. Trunks sighed and climbed in, followed by Ayane. The door closed, and soon they were on their way.
“Now, as for our winners, Annabeth and Peter,” said Don, turning his attention to them. “You get…” Before he could finish speaking, there was a loud boom. “What was that?”
“Guys…” said Annabeth, pointing at something rising from the first aid room. “Is that…Kouta?”
Don looked over at Peter. “In answer to your question…” he started.
“It looks like he’s got the powers of all those who donated blood to him,” said Artemis.
“Don’t blame me, I don’t have any blood to give,” said Alice.
“Anyone have any ideas?” asked Ash.
“Errr…” started Peter. “Sun’s getting real low?” This had no effect on Kouta, who was now shooting out massive bouts of energy. “Well, I’m out of ideas.”
“I’m not,” said Don. “Whoever gets the final blow wins immunity, next time, on Total Drama Couples.”
“ARE YOU FU…” started Katniss, as the footage cut out.

Chapter Text

“…CKING KIDDING ME?!” finished Katniss.
“No, I am not,” said Don, appearing in front of a camera, while things behind him are exploding. “Last time, on Total Drama Cou…” Before he could finish speaking, a ball of energy flew right past him, hitting the camera guy. “HEY, WATCH IT! You almost hit someone important.” Don composed himself, and resumed with the intro. “On Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “The majority of the teams are starting to question Light’s evilness, much to the horror of everyone, including those who suggested it. But there was no time to worry about that, because it was time to start the challenge: selling a painting…”
“Drawing,” yelled Kathryn, hiding under a rock that was soon vaporised. “Painting would imply it was done with paint.” Kathryn jumped to the left, narrowly avoiding being killed by another energy wave.
“Whatever,” said Don. “Anyway, because Trunks and Ayane failed to sell their painting…”
“DRAWING!” yelled Kathryn from somewhere unseen.
“…they were sent home,” finished Don, ignoring her. “Which is really unfortunate, because they’d be extremely useful right about now. Why’s that? Because Kouta has been getting blood transfusions from all the contestants with powers, and went crazy after getting one from the least superpowered person with any kind of power.”
“HEY!” yelled Annabeth.
“You’re super smart. That’s not a power, Stephen Hawking had that,” said Don.
“Oh please,” said Annabeth. “My I. Q.’s way higher than 160.”
“Whatever,” said Don. “Anyway, who will survive? If they do, they get to continue in Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Okay guys, straight to the point,” said Don. “Beat Kouta and win. Go.”
“Wait, what about me?” asked Lyra.
“Well, if you don’t get the final blow on him, you and him are out,” said Don. “As for the rest of you, whoever stops Kouta from killing the rest of us wins.”
“So, you’re saying anything’s legal?” asked Zidane.
“For crying out loud, just stop him,” said Don, moving away from the danger zone. “I’ll be in the bomb shelter until this whole thing blows over.”
“What about me and Kathryn? We’re just regular humans,” said Light.
“No, you have to help stop Kouta, or else get disqualified,” said Don, opening a large metal door, and slamming it once he got inside.
Ash turned to face Alice. “Well Alice?” asked Ash. “How does this end?”
“Why do you think I would know the answer?” asked Alice.
“…This doesn’t bode well,” said Max.
“You guys have been supplying him with non-human blood,” said Alice. “Now, he’s not human, so I can’t see shit. So if we die here, I can’t tell you how to prevent it.”
“…we fucked up,” said Sabriel.
“Why? It’s not like Eren gave him some blood,” said Alice.
“Actually…” started Lyra.
“Oh,” said Alice, as Kouta began to grow extra-large. “Well, at least Trunks didn’t give him any…”
“Actually…” started Lyra again.
“OH, COME ON!” yelled Alice, watching as giant Kouta started flickering yellow. “Now we have neither of them, or Rogue.”
“Speaking of Rogue…” started Lyra.
“Don’t tell me,” sighed Alice, guessing what she was going to say. “Though I guess that explains why he’s absorbed so many powers.”
“But not why Kieran’s gotten so lazy, he’s ripping off a challenge he already did last season,” said Nora, before diving out of the way of Kouta rampaging around the island.

“Listen Alice,” said Murtagh. “Between us, we’re the two most powerful people here. How many of the others have ever faced off against beings of God-like power?”
“All the time,” said Annabeth.
“Thor, Loki, Thanos…” started Peter.
“Arceus,” said Ash.
“Did you ever meet Father?” asked Edward.
“I’ll be facing off against Salem soon,” said Nora.
“And to be fair, I haven’t faced off against any God-like beings,” said Alice.
“…shut up,” said Murtagh. “Point is, we need to get Kouta to stop, and the others aren’t nearly powerful enough.”
“Great plan,” said Alice. “One problem: I can feel the heat of him from here. I’d be incinerated before I could touch him because he’s radiating so much power.”
It pains me to say it, but even I don’t think I’d get too close before I burn, too, said Thorn.
“…well, crap,” said Murtagh.
“Then I guess we do what we did when we beat Father,” said Edward. “Fire everything we have at him until he goes down.”
“Won’t that kill him?” asked Kim.
“Won’t he kill us if we don’t do something?” asked Finn. “Besides, if he has Trunks DNA in him, nothing we do will harm him that badly anyway.”
“Not reassuring,” said Katniss, drawing back her bow with an explosion arrow in it. “Well, here goes nothing.”
“Here,” said Peter, firing a pair of webs at Kouta that wrapped around him. “I’ll try and hold him still, you guys attack.”
“Good thing I’ve got a team with me that can attack from a distance,” said Ash, as his Pikachu stood next to his Charizard, Gible, Sceptile, Glalie, and Crawdaunt.
“And…FIRE!” yelled Annabeth, as Edward, Katniss, Murtagh, Nora, Sabriel, Thorn, and Ash’s Pokémon all attacked at the same time. A huge explosion followed, and the contestants watched as the smoke cleared.

“No way…” said Max, as Kouta was revealed, seemingly unharmed.
“Guys, rapid fire,” suggested Timmy, hiding behind a conveniently placed green rock.
“That won’t work,” said Artemis. “He’s too powerful. We need to find a way to drain the power out of him.”
“Well, let’s think,” said Louise, looking around at the other contestants. “What do teenaged boys like?” Louise looked over the group, in particular the girls. “Nope, I got nothing.”
“Mmf mf mf mf mf mff?” asked Kenny, as an energy ball came down and exploded him.
“We might be able to fix it,” said Artemis, as Chell fired a portal somewhere at the ocean, and another one at the ground, before jumping into it and closing the portal. “Or we could do that.”
“I think that was our only ticket out of here,” said Finn.
“Oh, gee, if only we could just wish everyone to safety,” said Light, eyeing Timmy suspiciously. “In fact, while we’re at it, why not just wish Kouta’s powers away.”
“What the hell are you going on about?” demanded Katniss. “You know what, never mind. We have a much more serious problem to deal with.”
“We’re trying to te…” started Kathryn, as a beam of energy blasted near her. It didn’t hit her, but it caused her shirt to catch fire. “Ah, shit,” she said, ripping her top off and throwing it on the ground. “Damn it, I liked that top.”

“Um, guys?” said Alice, pointing at Kouta’s face. A small drop of blood was dribbling down his face from his nose. “Is he…”
“Yeah, he is,” said Max. “Did someone hit him, or…”
“BOOBS!” screamed Zidane, pointing at Kathryn’s chest. Kathryn immediately covered herself in response.
“Wait a minute…” said Alice, thinking for a moment, before sighing. “I can’t fucking believe I’m saying this, but Zidane, I need you to steal all the girl’s shirts.” This was met by a very uncomfortable silence.
“Alice,” said Katniss, pointing a fire arrow at her. “You have ten seconds to explain.”
“I’m sorry,” said Alice. “But Kouta gets horrible nosebleeds when he sees something his perverted mind likes. Which includes…”
“BOOBS!” yelled Zidane, suddenly holding a stack of clothes. “By the way Alice, I got all the girl’s shirts, except for Lyra and Louise because…you know.”
“You didn’t get mi…” started Alice, before looking down. “I want to hate you right now, but I literally asked for this, and it’s helping Kouta.”
Sure enough, right above them Kouta was bleeding quite heavily from his nose, getting paler and paler, until he collapsed on the ground. “KOUTA!” yelled Lyra, running up to check on him. “Is he okay?”
“Don’t know, don’t care,” said Don, coming out of his bomb shelter. “All I know is: you and him are out, Alice and Ash get an advantage for next round.”
“HEY! What about our thing for last week?” demanded Annabeth as she put her shirt back on.
Don sighed heavily. “Whatever, here,” said Don, handing them a grenade launcher. “You were only supposed to have it for today’s broccoli eating competition, but whatever.”
“How the hell would this have helped us in a broccoli eating contest?” asked Peter, looking the thing over.
“Don’t know, don’t care,” said Don. “If you can find a use for it between now and whenever you’re eliminated, go ahead and use it.”
“Guys, are you okay?” asked Trunks, landing in front of them. “I felt a massively growing power level, and thought I’d better check up on…”
“You’re too late, we already took care of it,” said Don. “Now get lost, because that’s all the time we have for this episode of Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera, as interns in the background start repairing the damage from the last episode. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “For some stupid reason, Kouta thought it was a good idea to spy on beings of unimaginable power. And for an even stupider reason, these beings of unimaginable power donated blood to him after giving him the beat down of a lifetime. Because what’s the worst thing that could happen? Oh, that’s right, he gains ALL OF THEIR POWERS! Luckily, Alice thought of a plan that our readers hate that they couldn’t see: showing Kouta their boobs, thereby causing him to get a nosebleed and losing all that blood. And since Alice thought of the plan, she and Ash got these keys as a prize…”
“Oh, so that’s what our prize was,” said Alice, taking the keys from Don.
“Oh, right, forgot to actually give them to you,” said Don. “Now, where was I…Oh yeah, Ash and Alice got some keys, while Annabeth and Peter got a rocket launcher since they didn’t get to use their thing last time.” The camera cuts back to Don. “We’re down to the final ten teams. Who will bring that number down to nine? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

i>Intro song plays.

“Alright maggots, listen up,” said Louise. “We have some serious problems to attend to.”
“What do you mean?” asked Timmy. “The only problem is that Light and Kathryn are still playing, and we should be able to beat them at some point…”
“That’s only part of the problem,” said Louise. “I have reason to believe the other eight teams are against us too.”
“Well, they’re all friends from seasons past,” said Wanda. “Such a strong bond isn’t going away any time soon, even if they did agree to part ways for this season.”
“Well, I guess we’ll have to fix that, won’t we?” asked Louise, rubbing her hands together evilly.
“What’s the plan?” asked Timmy. “I mean, they probably don’t trust Light’s accusations of us, but they also don’t trust us because they don’t really know us. We’ve barely even talked to them.”
Cosmo seemed to be about to say something, but quickly shut up. “Cosmo, what are you hiding?” asked Wanda, glaring at him.
“N…nothing, dear,” said Cosmo, looking even more suspicious.
“Cosmo…” said Wanda in a very stern voice.
Cosmo looked panicked for a moment, then blurted out what he wanted to say. “They already suspect us,” he said.
“WHAT?!” yelled the other three. “How do you know?”
“Well…” started Cosmo. “I was talking to Ryuk, and he said he was spying on the others, and that they were getting suspicious of us since Light was acting out of character in trying to get us eliminated.”
“Who cares? It’s Light, they hate him,” said Louise.
“They have good reason to think he might have a point, and are considering helping him,” said Cosmo.
“See, this is what happens when you flaunt your power like this,” snapped Wanda.
“Never mind that now,” said Timmy. “How do we fix this?”
“How about you stop using us to subtly cheat?” asked Wanda. “Honestly, every time you use magic, you end up regretting it soon afterwards, so why not undo everything you’ve done and try to get away with it?”
“I guess you’re right…” started Timmy.
“Or, we double down on it and push through the last nine contestants,” said Louise.
“Yeah, let’s go with that,” said Timmy.
”But Timmy…” started Wanda.
“All contestants, please assemble in the remains of the Mess Hall for today’s challenge,” said Don over the loudspeakers.
“Guess we better get going,” said Timmy, following Louise to the Mess Hall.
“But…but…” started Wanda, before sighing in frustration and following them.

Later, when all the contestants were gathered together…
“Alrighty campers, congratulations on making it to the top ten,” said Don. “Though let’s face it, you’re only here because you’re Kieran’s favourites.”
“That, and my devilish good looks,” said Zidane.
“Eh, six out of ten,” said Max.
“You sassy bitch,” said Zidane.
“Anyway, you’re not here to bicker with each other…” started Don.
“You sure? That seems like all we do,” said Edward.
“Nah, you’re thinking of Red vs Blue,” said Nora.
“…you’re here for a challenge,” finished Don, ignoring them. “And your challenge is: solving riddles.”
“Bring it on,” said Annabeth, Artemis, and Light at the same time.
“We have repurposed the maze from the first episode,” explained Don, pointing at it through the window. The maze stood before them, with one of the walls patched up with duct tape. “So now wherever you go, you’ll have a riddle to solve in order to proceed. Many of them have a physical object hidden nearby for just this purpose. Alice and Ash have keys that will allow them to proceed, regardless of whether they got the riddle right. They don’t know which key does what, but they have them.”
“Well, all the keys are different colours,” said Alice. “I’m assuming that has something to do with it.”
“Is the answer to any of the riddles forty two?” asked Louise. Off in the distance was the sound of something clicking, as though opening.
“Shut up kid,” said Don. “Everyone ready?”
“You’re going down,” said Annabeth, Artemis, and Light at the same time again. “Hey, stop copying me.” The three of them glared at each other.
“Okay guys, remember: you need to have the answer to the riddle with you in order to move ahead,” said Don. “Also, some routes through the maze are shorter than others. And…GO!”

The ten remaining teams ran into the maze, everyone immediately trying to separate themselves from the competition.
Kenny and Sabriel were running along a corridor when Kenny tripped over something. “Oh, crap, I have to revive him again, don’t I?”
“Mmf, mf mff,” said Kenny. “Mmff mff mf.” Kenny picked up a book and held it up to Sabriel.
“What’s this?” she asked, grabbing it and having a look at it. “A dictionary? Why is there a dictionary here?”
“Mmf mf mf mff?” suggested Kenny, pointing out a door blocking their path.
Sabriel went up to the door and read what was written on it. “When does tomorrow come before yesterday?” she read. “Seriously? This is what you call hidden?” Sabriel placed the dictionary against the door and the two of them continued onwards.

“What can run but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a mouth but never eats, has a bed but never sleeps?” asked Alice. “Ooh, I know this one. Do you have any of your water Pokémon here?”
“Still have Crawdaunt with me. Why?” asked Ash.
“Literally any water move will get us past here,” said Alice.
“Alright, sure,” said Ash, sending out his Pokémon. “Crawdaunt, use Bubble.” Alice facepalmed as the attack did nothing.
“Guess I’ll try and find the key,” said Alice, as Ash ordered Crawdaunt to try again.

“I am invisible, weigh nothing, and if you put me in a barrel, it will become lighter,” read Timmy. “What is it?”
“I have no idea,” said Louise. “Maybe we should go around…”
“That’ll take time,” said Timmy. “We just need to figure this out and keep going.”
“That’s a simple one,” said Kim. “It’s a hole.”
“A hole, eh?” said Timmy. “I sure wish we had a hole right now.” There was a strange ringing sound, and suddenly a hole appeared in the wall.
“What…what did you do?” asked Murtagh, staring at the hole in shock.
“Never you mind,” said Louise, as a pair of coloured rats followed the two children through the hole.
“Yeah, I really wish this hole was gone,” said Timmy. The ringing sounded again, and suddenly the hole was gone.
Kim and Murtagh stared at the spot for longer than they meant to. “You saw that right?” asked Murtagh.
“I did,” said Kim. “And…oh God…Light has been trying to warn us…Light’s on our side.” Kim immediately held her hand over her mouth.
“What’s wrong?” asked Murtagh.
“Sorry, the mere thought of that is making me really nauseas,” said Kim. “Quick, we have to stop those two. The others might be in trouble.”

“What can you always count on when trying to solve math problems?” asked Artemis. “Pretty easy, it’s fingers.” Artemis moved forward to press his hand to the door, when Chell grabbed him and fired her portal gun through a gap under the door. “Chell, that’s completely unnecessary, I already know the…” Before he could finish, Chell dragged him through the portal and onto the other side. “Are you going to do that every ti…WHOA!” Before Artemis could finish his sentence, some kind of white goop sprayed all over him and Chell.
“Hey, no cheating,” said Peter.
“Says the guy sitting on top of the wall,” said Artemis. “Can you let us go now?”
“Not until I prove I’m the smartest here by beating you and Light,” said Annabeth. “Well, seeya.”
“HEY! Get back here,” snapped Artemis, but the other two were already gone. “Damn it, who knows how long it’ll be until someone else comes along.” As he was saying this, the door behind him opened up.
“Need a hand there?” asked Finn, drawing his sword.
“That would be nice,” said Artemis. “Unless you’re focused on beating us too.”
“Don’t really care,” said Katniss as Finn freed them. “We’ll even let you beat us unless we’re the last two teams.”
“Excellent,” said Artemis. “Onwards we go.”

“I still don’t understand why you have a towel with you,” said Kathryn.
“Douglas Adams meant it when he said that towels were important,” said Light, a towel hanging over his shoulder. “So, where to from here?”
“How about out of the competition?” came a voice from behind them. Light and Kathryn turned to see Louise and Timmy standing behind them, a pink and a green rat with them.
“Look kids, we already know your secret,” said Light. “And somehow, I’m going to get around your little ban on the word that describes your companions, so you might as well give up now.”
“Hmm…nah,” said Louise. “You see, if we get rid of you now, we don’t have to worry about that at all, so let’s just do that.”
“I wish they were standing on quicksand,” said Timmy, which was met by the familiar ringing sound.
Suddenly, the ground that Light and Kathryn were standing on started sucking them down. “Hey, isn’t this cheating?” asked Kathryn.
“Call it what you want, you’re not getting past us,” said Louise. “Might wanna hold your breath.” Louise started laughing as the two kids left the scene.
“I’m stuck,” said Kathryn, trying to get her hands free. “Do you have any good ideas?”
“No,” said Light. “This stuff isn’t behaving like normal quicksand. Normally, if you hold still and stay calm, you don’t sink. That’s not working.”
“So, we’re screwed,” said Kathryn, the quicksand now up to her neck. “Is this it?”
“It looks like it,” said Light. “Though it’s odd that Kieran’s killing off characters rather than just eliminating us.”
“Maybe there’s a deus ex machina coming for us?” suggested Kathryn.
“That would just be lazy writing,” said Light. “So yes, probably.” As if on cue, a large red claw scooped the two of them out of the ground. “There it is.”
I got them, said Thorn. I’m not sure why you want them, but I got them.
“Light, I can’t believe I’m saying this,” said Kim. “But would you like to work together to stop those two kids?”
“Why Kim, I thought you’d never ask,” said Light mockingly.
“Don’t get used to this,” said Murtagh. “We just saw Timmy and Louise create a hole in a wall that immediately sealed itself up, so we know they’ve got something on their side, but we have no idea what. We assume you guys do?”
“We do,” said Kathryn, who said no more.
“Care to elaborate?” asked Kim.
“I’m afraid we can’t,” said Light. “Timmy made a wish that stopped us from saying the name of the things helping them.”
“A wish? What, does he have fairy god parents or something?” asked Kim.
“THAT! THAT’S WHAT HE HAS!” yelled Light, before composing himself. “Sorry, but this has been a frustrating time for us.”
“Okay, so how do we counter it?” asked Kathryn.
“No idea, doesn’t matter, we have allies now,” said Light. “Come on, we have to stop those two.” Light ran off into the maze, followed by Kathryn.
“We still hate you,” called Kim. “We’re definitely more acquaintances than allies.” Kim sighed, knowing they were out of earshot. “Come, let’s go.”

“Annabeth, I see the finish line,” said Peter. “We’re nearly there…”
“Not so fast,” said Finn, stepping out from around a corner and blocking them.
“Finn, you’re not actually going to take on both of us, are you?” asked Annabeth.
“Of course not,” said Finn. “Katniss is here too.”
“Hold still,” said Katniss, aiming an arrow at Peter.
“You wouldn’t,” said Peter.
“No, I wouldn’t,” said Katniss, lowering her weapon. “I was just trying to distract you until they got past.”
“WHAT?!” yelled Annabeth, spinning around to see Artemis and Chell crossing the finish line.
“Damn it,” said Peter, running the rest of the way to the end. “We were so close.”
“So were we, it turns out,” said Artemis, pointing out who was already there.
“Are you kidding me?” asked Annabeth, seeing who was there.

“This way Louise,” said Timmy. “I can see the exit.”
“Finally,” said Louise, as the two of them ran through the exit. “We won. What did we win?”
“Nothing,” said Don. “Because they won.” Don pointed to his left to reveal…
“YOU TWO?!” screamed Louise. “HOW?!”
“Good to see you too Louise,” said Light. “You know, after you tried to kill us and all.”
“I always thought fairies had rules about killing people,” said Peter.
“That’s genies you’re thinking of,” said Artemis.
“Oh no…” said Timmy. “They know.”
“It explains why I can’t see you,” said Alice. “Fricken fairies. We have to deal with fricken fairies that can do anything for you.”
“I’m more concerned about the fact that I’m not supposed to reveal them to people,” said Timmy. “The fairy police should be here any minute now to take them away.”
“Except…they won’t,” said Don. “I have a contract with them that keeps you in the show, with your fairies, until either you win or are eliminated.”
“So, he’s got a free pass to blatantly ignore the rules?” asked Nora.
“Not quite,” said Don. “If Timmy goes too far, they’ll step in. But he gets to use his fairies in any way he wishes…hehe, pun…until he’s no longer on the show.”
“Cool,” said Timmy.
“Not cool, we’re the last ones here,” said Louise.
“Actually…” said Don. “That honour goes to…”
“Sorry we’re late,” said Kim. “But someone decided to ditch us.”
“Seeya guys,” said Kathryn, smirking.
“What do you…oh, you’ve gotta be kidding,” said Murtagh as the Lame-o-sine pulled up in front of them.
“As for you two,” said Don, turning to face Kathryn and Light. “You guys get this.” Don handed the two of them a box, which Kathryn opened.
“A flashlight?” asked Kathryn. “So, we’re in darkness next time then?”
“Guess you’ll find out next time, on Total Drama Couples,” said Don. “Or maybe the time after that, because…you know, Aftermath.”

Chapter Text

Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants.
Ayane and Trunks
“Ayane, please tell me you’re not planning to tank.” “What do you care? Isn’t your mum a rich inventor or something?”
Kouta and Lyra
“KOUTA! Is he okay?” “Don’t know, don’t care.”
Kim and Murtagh
“What’s wrong?” “Sorry, the mere thought of that is making me really nauseas.”
Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage.

“What’s up dudes?” asked Geoff. “Welcome to To…”
“Excuse me,” interrupted Bridgette. “Why do you always introduce the show? Do you ever ask if I want to open the show?”
“So…sorry,” stammered Geoff. “I didn’t know you wanted to…”
“That’s because you never listen to what I have to say,” snapped Bridgette. “God, I don’t even know why I agreed to marry you sometimes.”
“Hey, calm down,” said Geoff. “You’re stressing over the wedding, and it’s not for a while yet. Just take a deep breath…”
“NOT FOR A WHILE?!” screamed Bridgette. “IT’S ONLY FOUR MONTHS AWAY!”
“We have a date set?” asked Geoff, not realising it was the wrong thing to say until it was too late.
“YOU DON’T KNOW THE DATE OF OUR WEDDING?!” screamed Bridgette, even louder than before. Bridgette stomped offstage angrily, then screamed in frustration.
Geoff cringed away from the noise, then sighed heavily. “She’s been like this for a few weeks now,” he whispered to the audience before Bridgette came back onstage. “Feeling better?”
“Slightly,” she said, still sounding a bit bitter.
“Should we bring out this week’s Peanut Gallery?” asked Geoff.
“Fine, whatever,” said Bridgette, crossing her arms across her chest. “Please welcome B.” B rode out on a motorised scooter, which he parked next to the seating area before taking his seat.
“Beardo,” said Geoff. Beardo walked out, making sound effects for each step he took.
“Crimson,” said Bridgette. Crimson walked onstage with a blank expression on her face.
“Ennui,” said Geoff. Ennui walked onstage in exactly the same fashion as Crimson, before sitting down next to her.
“Gwen,” said Bridgette. Gwen walked onstage and took a seat next to the two other goths. Crimson and Ennui scoffed at how ungoth she was compared to them.
“Heather,” said Geoff. Heather came onstage, carrying something wrapped up in a bundle of blankets. “Hey, whatcha got there?”
“Shh…” said Heather. “I just got him to sleep. I don’t want to wake him.”
“YOU HAVE A KID?!” yelled Geoff. “When did that happen?”
In response, the baby began crying. “Damn it Geoff, you idiot,” snapped Heather. “Remember that bitch Sierra made me confirm it in season 3?”
“Oh yeah…” said Geoff. “How is Alejerkdro? He left before we could talk to him last time he was here.”
“How the hell should I know?” spat Heather. “That Latino douchebag got into one too many three-ways without me while I was pregnant, so I left him.”
“Technically, wouldn’t him and pregnant you be a three-way anyway?” asked Beardo.
“JESUS CHRIST BEARDO!” yelled Bridgette in shock.
“This is why I don’t talk much. I just say stuff like that,” said Beardo. “I’ll just go back to making sound effects now.” B nodded his approval at the idea.
“And I’ll be trying to get the baby back to sleep,” said Heather, glaring at Geoff once again before leaving the stage.
“I hope you’re not like that when we have kids,” Bridgette muttered to Geoff.
“Bridge, I…” started Geoff, but Bridgette turned away from him and continued the show.

“Please welcome Jay,” said Bridgette. Jay walked onstage waving to the audience, before tripping over his shoelaces and falling face first into the floor…that immediately collapsed under him. “Err…and there he goes.”
“Katie,” said Geoff. The call was met with silence. “I said, Katie.” Still nothing happened. “Where is she?”
“Uh, sir?” said an intern, walking onstage. “We found this in her dressing room.” The intern handed Geoff a note.
“’Dear jerks’,” read Geoff. “’Me and Sadie have run away so we can do all kinds of lesbian depravity without you separating us. Screw you. Love, Katie’. I think there was a bit of a contradiction at the end there.”
“Or she’s hitting on you,” snapped Bridgette.
“No Bridge, I’m…” started Geoff, but was cut off by Bridgette again.
“Please welcome Mary,” said Bridgette. Mary walked onstage and took her seat, adjusting her glasses as she did so.
“Mickey,” said Geoff. Mickey came onstage waving to everyone, before falling down the hole Jay fell down. “Ooh, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” called Mickey. “Jay broke my fall.”
“And Mickey broke my arm,” called Jay.
“Too bad, so sad,” said Bridgette. “Here’s Scarlett.” Scarlett walked onstage, attempting to keep a psychotic grin hidden.
“And finally, Trent,” said Geoff. Trent walked onstage, then stopped dead when he saw who else was in the seating area.
“Dude, you didn’t tell me that Gwen was here,” said Trent.
“And you didn’t tell me Trent would be here,” said Gwen.
“That’s because we knew you wouldn’t agree to be on the same show if you knew,” said Geoff.
“Well, I guess I can put up with being here if I don’t have to talk to her,” said Trent.
“Yeah, same here,” said Gwen. “Just don’t sit near me or my new goth friends.”
“Ennui, did you hear something?” asked Crimson.
“It sounded like someone pretending to be goth,” said Ennui.
“Worse, it sounded like they wanted to be our friend,” said Crimson.
“I guess that’s where this sudden pool of hatred in my stomach came from,” said Ennui.
“Some friends you are,” muttered Gwen as Trent took his seat as far away from her as possible.

“So guys, how are you going?” asked Geoff.
“Splendidly,” said Mary. “And guys, let me just congratulate you two on your engagement.”
“Why thank you Mary,” said Geoff politely.
“You’re not getting an invite to the wedding,” said Bridgette rudely.
“I wasn’t trying to…” started Mary.
“Oh please, I know your game,” said Bridgette, glaring at her.
“Umm, Bridge?” aid Geoff. “I think she was just trying to…”
“Shut up Geoff,” snapped Bridgette. “You don’t think I know she’s trying to get with you before the wedding?”
“Why would I…” started Mary, as Bridgette leapt at her. Mary ran away screaming.
“Seriously, Bridge, chill,” said Geoff, holding her back.
“I could have taken her,” mumbled Bridgette under her breath.
“I have no doubt you could have,” said Geoff. “But I wouldn’t be worried about her doing anything to break us up. She was just being nice. You know what that is, right?”
“Hmpf, I guess,” said Bridgette.
“She’s an angry one,” said Ennui. “Anger is such a beautiful thing. She needs to be more like that.”
“You’re not getting a crush on her, are you?” asked Crimson, somehow sounding jealous in her monotone.
“No, she’s not evil like you, my pale vampire,” said Ennui.
“Stop, you’re going to make me blush,” said Crimson, still in monotone.

“So, after all that, should we bring out our first guests?” asked Geoff.
“Fine, whatever,” said Bridgette.
“Okay then…” said Geoff, unsure what to make of her reaction. “Perhaps the two strongest people on the planet with purple hair, he’s a Saiyan, she’s a ninja, please welcome Trunks and Ayane.” The two purple-haired warriors walked onstage and took a seat across from Geoff and Bridgette. “What’s up dudes?”
“What the hell kind of question is that?” snapped Bridgette before either of them could answer, before clearing her throat. “So guys, how are you going today?”
Trunks and Ayane looked at each other in confusion. “Erm…good?” said Ayane.
“Y…yeah,” said Trunks. “I mean, it sucks that we didn’t get the money, but…”
“Speaking of which, where’s the money you got from the Ridonculous Race?” asked Bridgette angrily to Geoff.
“Didn’t the cadets win that one?” asked Trent.
“I could give you my season three winnings,” said Ayane. “I don’t really want or need them.”
“I thought that was Noodle?” asked Trent.
“I dunno, what site is this on?” asked Ayane.
“So guys, what do you think you’ll do now that you’re no longer in the competition?” asked Geoff.
“I dunno, probably just wait around until Don sends us home,” said Trunks.
“I’m gonna try and make my energy sensing power canon,” said Ayane.
“I keep telling you, they won’t do that,” said Trunks. “Team Ninja are more likely to help fund the Dead Fantasy remakes than do that.”
“Why would they fund Kieran writing a fanfic?” asked Ayane.
“That’s not what I…” started Trunks.
“That’s enough, bring out the Truth or whatever you have for this episode,” said Bridgette.
“Yeah, about that…” said Geoff. “We were planning on retiring that segment, since we never really do anything with it, so…”
“So you got lazy and expect me to do it now then?” snapped Bridgette. “Fine, I’ll slap them myself if they lie.”
“Bridge, I don’t think…” started Geoff.
“So, how long have you two been together?” asked Bridgette, watching them closely.
“Um, we’re not,” said Ayane.
“Bullshit, you’re on the same team,” snapped Bridgette, raising her hand to slap Ayane. Before she could move it very far, Ayane had already grabbed it and was holding it tightly.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” warned Ayane. “I can turn your bones to dust if I want to.”
“I wouldn’t doubt that,” said Trunks. “I’m stronger than her, but I wouldn’t test to see if she was kidding.”

Bridgette glared at them for a few more seconds, then lowered her hand. “Fine, whatever,” she muttered. “Just bring out the next guests.”
“He’s a pervert, she’s twelve years old,” said Geoff, thankful to have Bridgette not attacking a ninja. “Eliminated because he likes girls a little too much, please welcome Kouta and Lyra.” The two of them walk onstage, Kouta half carrying Lyra. “Whoa dude, is she okay?”
“She will be,” said Kouta. “She gave me her blood after I bled it out, now she’s a little woozy.”
“Li…little?” asked Lyra. “I…I’m running on a half a li…litre…” As she was speaking, Lyra passed out from exhaustion.
“Wow, that bad, huh?” asked Geoff.
“I’ll say,” said Bridgette. “You should know better, praying on a little girl like that. You make me sick.”
“What? I would never…” started Kouta.
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU PERVERTED CU…” screamed Bridgette, before being cut off by Geoff. Kouta took the opportunity to flee.
“Okay, Bridge, seriously, chill,” said Geoff. “How about we go to That’s Gonna Leave A Mark? Give you a moment or two to calm down?”
“Hmpf, whatever,” said Bridgette, not amused.
“Alright, let’s see some people getting hurt,” said Geoff, as a large TV descended from the roof.

An animation plays for That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.
In the first scene, Katniss and Finn were closing a deal with a wealthy businessman. “So, how will you be paying today?” asked Finn.
“Why, entirely in pennies, of course,” said the businessman. “You poor people like pennies, right?”
“But, you bought this for six hundred dollars,” said Katniss.
“And six hundred dollars’ worth of pennies is what you shall have,” said the businessman, as the sound of a truck backing up was heard behind them. Katniss and Finn turned to see a dump truck start to empty itself, with the unmistakable sound of coins clattering within it.
In the next clip, Light and Kathryn were dodging random energy blasts. One landed near them, and Light ducked out of the way. The shattered rocks scattered around him, all just barely missing him. “Well that was lucky,” said Light, as one last rock flew through the air and knocked him over.
And then in the final clip, Zidane and Max had come upon a door “Throw me off the highest building, and I shall not break, but toss me in the smallest pool, and my life's at stake,” read Max.
“Is it you?” asked Zidane.
“I have gills,” said Max.
“Really? Let me see,” said Zidane, trying to get a good look at her.
“Hands off,” snapped Max, punching Zidane into a wall.

The TV went back into the roof, revealing Geoff laughing, but Bridgette still looking mildly ticked off. “Aww, come on Bridge,” said Geoff. “Just loosen up a bit. The whole wedding thing’s been making you so tense.”
“Yeah, because I’m the only one taking it seriously,” said Bridgette. “All you ever do these days is hang out with Brody.”
“Well, that’s because every time I try to help out, you tell me my ideas are stupid, or that I made the wrong choice, and even when you ask for my help, you go with the other choice anyway,” said Geoff. “This wedding is meant to be a celebration of our love. We’re fun-loving people, you should have some fun with the planning.”
“How dare you,” said Bridgette. “A girl’s wedding is the most important day of her life, and you want to make a joke out of it?”
“No, I…” started Geoff.
“Ugh, whatever, just bring out the last guests,” said Bridgette.
“Bridge, I…” started Geoff, before realising she wasn’t going to listen to anything he was saying. “Okay, whatever. Our last guests are a crime fighter cheerleader, and a guy with a dragon. Please welcome Kim and Murtagh.” Kim and Murtagh walked onstage and took a seat with Trunks and Ayane. “So guys…”’
“Jeez, always have to get the first word in, don’t you?” said Bridgette.
“Bridge, come on, can’t we talk about this later?” asked Geoff.
“Oh, we’re gonna talk about this later,” said Bridgette.
“Um, guys?” said Kim. “Aren’t you meant to be interviewing us?”
“Shh Kim,” said Murtagh. “I think it’s better if we don’t get involved here.”
“Why can’t you let me be the lead on the show?” asked Bridgette. “I can do just as good a job as you can. Maybe even better.”
“Fine, do it then,” said Geoff. “If you think you can do a better job on the show than I can, maybe I shouldn’t even be here.”
“Guys?” asked Trent.
“Hey, why stop there?” asked Bridgette. “Why not just call off this whole engagement thing?”
“Guys?” asked Gwen.
“FINE!” yelled Geoff, storming offstage.
“WELL FUCK YOU TOO GEOFF!” yelled Bridgette, storming off in the opposite direction. Everyone say around in shock at what had just happened for almost a full minute before anyone talked.

“Wow, I didn’t even have to do anything to make them break up,” said Scarlett.
“Were you planning to?” asked Gwen.
“And why?” asked Trent.
“Yes, and because I felt like it,” said Scarlett.
“That’s cold,” said Crimson. “I like it.”
“Uh, guys?” said Kim. “Bigger problem: the hosts are gone, and the show’s still going.”
“Umm…good night everybody?” said Gwen, as the stage went black.

Chapter Text

“Come on, there must be a power supply around here somewhere,” said Chef, rifling through the debris.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked a robotic voice behind him. Chef spun around and saw GLaDOS staring at him.
“Oh hey,” said Chef. “Can you point me to the nearest power supply? I just need to revive my buddy, and I’ll be on my…”
“I can’t let you do that,” said GLaDOS. “I know what he’s like. He can’t be let free.”
“Did I say I was asking permission?” asked Chef. “Ah, this seems to be where you’re plugged in. I’ll just use that.”
“No you won’t,” said GLaDOS, claws lashing out at Chef. Chef blocked as many as he could, and those that got a hold on him he broke. He grabbed one of the main power cables and started pulling. “No. Nononononoooo…” GLaDOS’s voice became progressively squeakier and squeakier as the cable broke free, then silenced altogether.
“Thank you for your co-operation,” said Chef, plugging in what he wanted plugged in.

Author’s note 2: And now, back to your regular scheduled fanfic.

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “Timmy and Louise found out that the other contestants suspect them of being evil, and honestly, it’s about time. Seriously, we only have nine more episodes after this, two of which are Aftermaths, so we really need there to be some conflict between the good guys and the bad guys. Anyway, the challenge for the day was to run through a maze and solve riddles, all of which could have been solved by a pre-schooler. Then Timmy and Louise decided to completely disregard that they’re top suspects by revealing the existence of Timmy’s fairies to Kim and Murtagh. Not that they stayed around long enough to tell anyone, because after rescuing Light and Kathryn from certain death, the ungrateful jerks ditched them and won the challenge and let their rescuers be eliminated.” The scene cut back to Don. “Who will fall into the darkness? Find out now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Thank you all for coming,” said Light. “Now, I know you guys don’t like me that much…”
“That’s an understatement,” muttered Finn.
“…but at least now you know what Timmy and Louise are doing to keep the odds in their favour,” said Light.
“Um, actually, we don’t,” said Alice.
“Didn’t Kim or Murtagh tell you?” asked Kathryn.
“No, because you got them eliminated before they could say anything,” said Annabeth. “Seriously, I thought you were supposed to be smart, Light.”
“I’m obviously smarter than you blondie, I beat you in the last…” started Light, then saw the look in Annabeth’s eyes. “Erm, shall we continue?”
“It’s fairies, isn’t it?” asked Artemis. Everyone stared at him in shock.
“…How did you…” started Kathryn.
“Have them back in my world,” said Artemis. “Though not specifically for granting wishes. I just considered all the things they’ve been accused of, and magic was the most logical conclusion.”
“That’s…quite a jump,” said Katniss.
“Honestly, is there anyone here who comes from a world where magic isn’t a thing?” asked Artemis.
“No, just really advanced science,” said Katniss.
“We call ours alchemy,” said Edward.
“My wings are the result of science,” said Max.
“Am I the only person here not from a fantasy or sci-fi series?” asked Kathryn.
“Anyway, knowing that Timmy was just an average kid, and no-one could underst…” started Light.
“We already did that joke,” said Zidane.
“And we’ve already done jokes about us doing jokes,” said Light. “Doesn’t stop them from happening. But anyway, what we need to do is figure out what limits these fairies have, so we can exploit their weakness and win.”
“Why do I feel like this isn’t the first time you’ve thought like this?” asked Finn.
“Probably because this is his default way of thinking,” said Sabriel. “And what’s worse is we’re about to help him think like that.”
“Hey, at least you know what to expect from me,” said Light. “We’re not sure where we stand with Timmy and Louise controlling those fairies.”
“Okay, you’ve had your say,” said Peter. “Now that we know what the plan is, we can ignore him, right?” Peter looked around at everyone and saw their hesitation. “Guys?”
“He does kind of have a point,” said Ash.
“And he’s smart,” said Nora. “We’re gonna need that.”
“I suppose everyone’s forgotten that I’m on this team as well,” said Kathryn.
Chell began miming punching something. “No Chell, no-one is going to beat up a couple of children. None of us are young enough to get away with that,” said Artemis.
“I’m only the same age as them,” said Ash.
“Wait, how long did you say you travelled to get your first eight badges?” asked Alice.
“A year,” said Ash.
“And how old were you at the start?” asked Alice.
“Ten,” said Ash.
“And how old were you at the end?” asked Alice.
“Ten,” repeated Ash. “I’m not sure what you’re getting at Alice.”
“Never mind,” said Max. “Point is, as tempting as it is, we won’t be beating anyone up today.”
“You already beat me up today,” said Zidane.
“Yeah, because you stole my underwear,” said Max.
“Not my fault, you left it somewhere where I could grab it,” said Zidane.

“Contestants, place assemble in the Mess Hall for today’s challenge,” announced Don over the loudspeaker.
“Mmf, mf mf mf,” said Kenny, leading the way towards the Mess Hall…and immediately falling down a hole.
“Damn it,” said Sabriel. “Get going guys, I’ll see you when I figure this out.”
“I could just fly down and…” started Max.
“No, it’s okay,” said Sabriel. “No point in both of us being late. Tell Don I’ll be there as soon as possible.” Max looked ready to object, but got called away by the rest of the group. “Now, how do I get down there?”

Soon, the other teams were gathered in the Mess Hall. “Can’t we start already?” whined Louise.
“Not yet, we’re still waiting on Kenny and Sabriel,” said Don.
“They could be a while,” said Max. “Kenny fell down a really deep hole, and Sabriel’s trying to figure out how to get him out.”
“Alright, screw it, we’ll do it without them,” said Don. “Today’s challenge is to simply come out of those elevator doors.” Don indicated a pair of double doors sitting in the corner of the room.
“It feels like we should have noticed those before,” said Timmy.
“We’ve had two episodes to have those constructed,” said Don. “Frankly, I’m amazed it’s able to run when it’s made mostly of duct tape.”
Everyone looked at him in varying degrees of shock and horror. “So, it’s only a short trip, right?” asked Kathryn.
“That depends,” said Don .”Is twenty million, eight hundred and ninety eight thousand, two hundred and twenty seven feet below sea level a short trip?”
“That’s thirteen feet from the Earth’s inner core,” said Light.
“Doesn’t answer the question,” said Don.
“Won’t the pressure from being down that low crush us?” asked Alice.
“How dare you bring science into this fanfic,” snapped Don. “And by the way, that’s just how deep some of the tunnels go. The actual elevator is only about two hundred feet down.”
“Oh, that’s much better,” said Ash.
“Oops, did I say feet?” asked Don. “I meant metres.”
“Can you just decide if you’re using metric or imperial?” asked Zidane. “Preferably metric, because that system actually makes sense.”
“While our American readers complain,” said Don. “The only other info I need to tell you is that the entrance to the caves are over there.” Out the window of the Mess Hall was the entrance to a large cave with a flashing sign saying ‘Episode 23 Challenge Here.’
“Again, feels like something we should have seen,” said Timmy.
“Now, as I recall, Light and Kathryn have a pair of flashlights, so they have the advantage of seeing in the dark,” said Don.
“Good thing I’m a vampire,” said Alice.
“And that I got Noctowl from Professor Oak,” said Ash.

“Alright, you may begin when you’re ready,” said Don. “Sabriel and Kenny can begin when they get here and I explain it.”
The contestants ran out the front of the Mess Hall and into the cave. “Come Kathryn, we have a challenge to win,” said Light, guiding Kathryn down a side tunnel.
“Not if I have anything to do with it,” said Alice, leading Ash down the same tunnel.
“That leaves the ten of us against the two of you,” said Zidane, helping the others in blocking Timmy and Louise.
“Uhh…what are you talking about guys?” asked Timmy, backing away from them.
“You know exactly what,” said Max. “You and your fairies.”
“Um…what fairies?” asked Timmy, trying to sound convincing.
“Don’t play dumb Timmy,” said Annabeth. “We just want to make sure you don’t use them against us.”
“Okay, first of all, Timmy can’t help that,” said Louise.
“Gee, thanks Louise,” said Timmy sarcastically.
“Second, go ahead and stop us,” said Louise, spreading her arms out wide. “Go on, take your best shot.”
“Um…what?” asked Peter.
“You heard me,” said Louise, waiting for one of them to do something. “Strike me down where I stand. Or are you a chicken?” No-one moved.
“I, uh, don’t think any of us want to hit a kid,” said Finn.
“Exactly,” said Louise. “And that’s where you fail. You think just being in a big group like you are is going to intimidate us? You’ve got another thing coming. Timmy, get us out of here.”
“I wish for a rockslide to get rid of them,” said Timmy. There was a ringing sound, and suddenly a bunch of rocks began falling down at the group.
“Chell, get everyone out of here,” said Edward, transmutating a wall to protect the group. “Me and Nora will try and do something with the kids.”
“Do I get to break their legs?” asked Nora.
“…Maybe not that,” said Edward, as Chell led the last of the group through a portal. “But we’ll still stop them. Is your hammer ready?”
“Always,” said Nora, swinging it as hard as she could. All the rocks in front of them soon turned to dust from the force of the blow, and the two of them started after the two kids.
“We’ve got company,” said Louise, checking behind them.
“I wish for a car,” said Timmy.
“But Timmy, you don’t know how to drive,” said Wanda.
“Who cares? This should be funny,” said Cosmo, his wand glowing. A second later, a new red Ferrari was sitting in front of them.
“Quick, get in,” said Timmy, scrambling into the driver’s seat.
“Can you even reach the pedals from there?” asked Louise, getting into the passenger seat.
“I wish a copy of War and Peace was on each of the pedals,” said Timmy, causing a pair of books to appear strapped onto the pedals. “So long, suckers.” Timmy pushed down on the accelerator…

…and nothing happened. “Cosmo, what the hell?” asked Timmy.
“You never put the key in the ignition,” said Nora, grabbing Louise out of the car.
“Which is too bad, because I already made a spike strip to stop you,” said Edward, grabbing Timmy.
“Then I wish to…” started Timmy, before Edward covered his mouth.
“You don’t think we’re gonna allow that, do you?” asked Edward.
“I wish you were struck by lightning,” said Louise, which was followed by the familiar ringing sound.
“EDWARD!” yelled Nora, dropping Louise and throwing herself at Edward. Nora knocked Edward over, causing him to drop Timmy, and braced herself for lightning to strike her…

…but nothing happened. To either of them. “What…” started Nora.
In response, Louise held up a phone and hit a button on it. The sound of Cosmo and Wanda’s wands working sounded, but nothing happened. “I just needed a distraction,” said Louise. “Now Timmy, as you were saying…”
“I wish you two were back at the start,” said Timmy. This time Cosmo and Wanda raised their wands and cast their spell, and before they knew it they were lying on the ground in front of Don, who was reading a newspaper.
“You guys know you were supposed to come out the elevator, right?” asked Don, casually turning the page without looking up.
“Timmy sent us back here,” said Edward.
“Yeah, his fairies will do that,” said Don, still reading.
“You knew?” asked Nora. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I’m under no obligation to tell you anything,” said Don. “I’m meant to be impartial. Now get back out there.” Nora looked ready to object, but Edward just grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out the door. “Now, where are Sabriel and Kenny?” As he was talking, the elevator dinged. “Ooh, we have our first finishers.” The doors opened, and the winners stepped out.
“Sorry we’re late,” said Sabriel. “I had to find…um, are you okay?” Don stared at the two of them in complete shock, then started laughing. “Seriously, should I be concerned?”
“Oh man, you just wait here for the others,” said Don. “Their reactions will be hilarious.”
“Reactions to what?” asked Sabriel, but Don refused to say anything.

Meanwhile, in the caves…
“Alice, what happened?” asked Ash.
Alice snapped out of her trance and came back to her senses. “Sabriel and Kenny won,” she said. “So, no need to worry about Light and Kathryn winning.”
“But now we need to figure out where the elevator is,” said Ash.
“Oh, that?” asked Alice. “I found that ages ago, it’s just around that corner.”
“And you didn’t think to say anything?” asked Ash.
“I was focused on keeping Light and Kathryn from winning,” said Alice. “But now we’ll go finish, and Noctowl can go find the others and get them out of here.”
“I guess so,” said Ash, still wishing they’d won. “Noctowl, go help everyone that isn’t Light, Kathryn, Louise, or Timmy.” Noctowl hooted in response, and flew off into the darkness.
“Off we go,” said Alice, guiding Ash to the elevator.
“I knew if we followed you long enough we’d end up finding it,” said Light, stepping out of the darkness.
“As if we’re gonna let you join us on the elevator,” said Alice.
“Oh, but you might want to,” said Kathryn, smiling wickedly. “Show ’em Ryuk.”
“Sorry kiddo,” said Ryuk, turning his notebook towards them. Inside they saw the word ‘Ash Ket’ written.
“Now, we go up together, or Ryuk finishes that word,” said Light.
“You asshole,” growled Alice. “I’m going to…”
“Do what, pray tell?” asked Light. “You do anything but what I demand, you’ll need to recruit Sabriel to stay on the competition.”
“Alice, it’s not worth it,” said Ash. “He already lost this challenge, he can’t do much else.”
Alice sighed in defeat. “That page burns as soon as we’re on the surface,” she said, opening the door.
“Good thing the death note is infinite,” said Light, walking into the elevator. “Pleasure doing business with you.”
“Bite me,” snapped Alice as the doors closed.

Slowly, all the other contestants made their way back to the surface. Soon, the eighth place team exited the elevator…
“Did we make it in time?” asked Timmy.
“Barely,” said Don. “Or maybe you were well in front. I don’t know because we haven’t found Edward and Nora yet. But they are out of the competition. As for our winners Sabriel and Kenny…”
“We won?” asked Sabriel. “I didn’t even know we were in a challenge.”
“That’s what makes this so hilarious,” said Don. “And your reward is this.” An intern wheeled in a set of amplifiers and set them down in front of the contestants. “What will these be used for? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “Light and Kathryn finally managed to inform the other contestants about Timmy and Louise using fairies to get what they want. Or rather, Artemis managed to guess it and Light just confirmed it. But just because they had the same goal didn’t mean they were going to work together. Whether that would have helped them or not is debatable, but seeing as Louise and Timmy are still in the game, it maybe wouldn’t have hurt them. Speaking of which, the challenge was to navigate the darkness of some caves, before coming up an elevator to the finish line. Sabriel and Kenny managed to win the challenge, despite not knowing what the challenge was, and Edward and Nora lost because they didn’t show up…Hey, did we ever find them? No? Eh, whatever, they’re probably fine.” The scene cuts back to Don. “Who will scream their way to victory? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“This is bad this is bad this is bad,” said Timmy, pacing back and forth nervously. “They know about you two, so we have to beat them, no matter what.”
“Relax Timmy,” said Cosmo. “All you have to do is keep winning challenges.”
“We haven’t won one yet,” said Timmy. “How are we supposed to start winning if we can’t win a normal challenge.”
“Look at it this way,” said Wanda. “You’re still in the game. Over twenty teams entered, most with superpowers, and you’ve made it to the top ten.”
“Yeah, but with your help,” said Timmy. “There’s no way we’re going to…”
“THAT’S ENOUGH!” yelled Louise, getting up and slapping Timmy. “There’s no need for that defeatist attitude here. We can do this, because they don’t know what we can do.”
“Wow Louise…” started Timmy, but Louise wasn’t finished.
“And by ‘we’, I mean them,” said Louise, pointing at the fairies. “All we have to do is keep them on their toes, make the other teams think they’re more powerful than they actually are, and then crush their spirits.”
“That’s…horribly sadistic,” said Timmy.
“I love it,” said Cosmo.
“I think she’s a bad influence,” said Wanda.
“Let’s do it her way,” said Timmy and Cosmo, high fiving each other.
“Of fucking course you will,” muttered Wanda under her breath.

“Contestants, Mess Hall, challenge,” said Don over the loudspeakers. “You know, like always.”
“Come on Peter, we have a challenge,” said Annabeth as she was leaving their tent. “Peter? Are you coming?”
“Give me a moment, I have to finish paying my respects to Stan,” said Peter, kneeling in front of a picture of an old man.
Annabeth saw who the picture was of, and nodded in understanding. “Take all the time you need, buddy,” said Annabeth, leaving him in peace.

Soon, all the other contestants were gathered in the Mess Hall. “Where’s Peter?” asked Don.
“He’s mourning,” said Annabeth. “You know, because…he died.”
“Oh, right,” said Don. “A moment of silence for the only real life person Kieran has ever snuck into a fanfic.”
“You mean Gordon Ramsay’s dead too?” asked Zidane.
“The other one,” snapped Max.
“Something about this makes me blue,” said Katniss.
“I wonder if anyone will get that reference,” muttered Alice, as Peter showed up. “Hey, you sure you’re up to this?”
“Well, moping isn’t gonna bring him back,” said Peter. “Might as well win this for him.”
“Alrighty then,” said Don, rubbing his hands together. “On to today’s challenge: how loud can you be?”
“Well, the loudest human scream was recorded at one hundred and twenty nine decibels,” said Light. “Louder than a jet engine, but not quite as loud as…”
“Will you shut up, nerd?” snapped Kathryn. “I highly doubt you can make any sound above maybe eighty decibels without help.”
“You’re meant to be on my team,” said Light.
“Doesn’t make you less of a nerd,” said Kathryn.
“If I may finish,” interrupted Don. “Basically, you just have to make the loudest noise you can from anything you can make or find on the island. Whoever can record the loudest sound wins, whoever makes the quietest sound loses. Simple, right?”
“But I’m a thief,” objected Zidane. “I don’t make sounds. Kinda defeats the purpose of my job if I do.”
“Don’t care,” said Don. “Get Max to figure something out.”
“Hey Ash, are there any Pokémon that make really loud noises?” asked Alice.
“Well, I guess Exploud’s pretty noisy…” said Ash.
“Great, bring it out,” said Alice.
“I never said I own one,” said Ash.
“Man, your quest to catch them all is gonna take a while,” said Alice.
“I’m doing my best,” said Ash.
“Bullshit, Red caught a hundred and fifty Pokémon in four episodes,” said Alice.
“Okay, if you’re done arguing,” said Don. “You have one hour to decide on how you intend to win the contest, and you may use anything you can find on the island, as long as you get back here before you need to perform.”
“Just want to clarify something,” said Light. “You said anything we can get our hands on, as long as it’s somewhere on this island. I take it that has no restrictions on where it comes from?”
Don narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “That is correct,” said Don. “Though I take it whatever you’re planning is basically going to be as close to breaking the rules as possible without actually breaking them.”
“Of course,” said Light. “I just wanted to make sure I had your word that what I’m planning was legal.”
“I somehow doubt it,” said Don. “Alright, time starts now.”

The teams immediately set off to try to find something to help them make as much noise as possible. “So, care to tell me what the plan is?” asked Kathryn.
“Of course,” said Light, proceeding to explain the plan to Kathryn.
“Oh, that is evil,” said Kathryn, smiling wickedly. “I love it.”
“As long as I’m not disqualified for that first part, I should be fine,” said Light. “Of course, that’s what the apple’s for, right Ryuk? So Alice won’t know?”
“I guess I could do that,” said Ryuk, taking the apple. “Of course, that only works if you thought of using me before the rest of the plan.”
“Come on Ryuk, what do you take me for?” asked Light, grinning wickedly. “Now, we have an hour to kill before we need to do anything.”

“I wish for a swarm of crickets to pass through here right as we have our turn to make noise,” said Timmy.
“Is that even allowed?” asked Louise.
“Well, technically it doesn’t violate the rules,” said Wanda. “Since all Timmy said was that the crickets had to pass through here when it was his turn. He said nothing of them directly helping him.”
“Good enough for me,” said Cosmo, granting the wish.
“Be careful Cosmo,” said Wanda. “At the rate you’re casting Timmy’s more elaborate and…morally questionable wishes, you’re going to run out of magic.”
“Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?” asked Cosmo.

“Can’t you even just scream really loud?” asked Max. “Literally, any kind of sound?”
“Like I said, sneaking around a lot makes you naturally quiet,” said Zidane. “And besides, what can Chell do? Trust me, we’re fine.”
“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Max.

“Okay, everyone ready?” asked Don.
“About as close as we’re gonna be,” said Finn.
“Good, because you two are up first,” said Don.
“Alright, how’s this?” asked Katniss, drawing back her bow and firing. The arrow landed on a pile of dead leaves.
“…Is that it?” asked Don.
“No,” said Katniss, as the arrow exploded. “That is.”
“Well then,” said Don, looking at the machine. “That was about a hundred and fifty decibels. Not bad. Next up, let’s have Annabeth and Peter.”
“What was our plan again?” asked Peter.
“That,” said Annabeth, pointing at a heavily damaged support pillar.
“Oh, right,” said Peter, firing a web at the pillar and pulling hard. It came away easily, and the roof it was supporting collapsed, causing everything to come crashing down in a large boom.
“Well, that was certainly something,” said Don. “Ninety eight decibels, so you’re not safe yet, but still a decent effort. Now, Louise and Timmy…what the heck’s that sound?” Just as Don finished speaking, a swarm of crickets flew past them, chirping loudly.
“That counts as our sound, right?” asked Timmy.
“If you’re happy with seventy three decibels, yes,” said Don.
“We’ll take it,” said Louise excitedly.
“Louise,” whispered Timmy. “I had a Plan B in case this plan didn’t work.”
“Who gave you permission to touch me?” demanded Louise.

“Alright, three teams down,” said Don. “Next up: Alice and Ash.”
“You ready Alice?” asked Ash, grabbing out a handful of Pokéballs.
“Hell yeah,” said Alice, also holding a bunch of Pokéballs. The two of them drew their arms back, and threw the capsules with the same yell. “GO TAURUS!” The balls opened, and out sprang thirty stampeding bulls. All the contestants and Don immediately took cover as the herd rushed by.
“Okay, I think you’ve made your point,” yelled Don over the cacophony of bulls running. “Can you recall them now?”
“Okay guys, thanks,” said Ash, holding out the Pokéballs. The masses of bull Pokémon immediately returned to their balls, and Ash sent most of them back to Professor Oak.
“Okay, after they came in at an Earth shattering one hundred and sixty decibels,” said Don. “It’s time to see what Zidane and Max came up with.”
“But we didn’t come up with anything,” said Max.
“I have an idea,” said Zidane. “Please forgive me.”
“Forgive you for wha…WHAT THE FUCK?!” screamed Max, as she felt Zidane pinch her butt. In response, she immediately slapped him as hard as she could. Zidane collapsed to the ground, unconscious.
“Seventeen,” said Don.
“What?” snapped Max, remembering where she was.
“You got seventeen decibels from that,” said Don.
“But we’re not…” started Max.
“How’s about we do…Artemis and Chell?” said Don, ignoring what Max was about to say.
Artemis coughed, then indicated to Chell to do something. Chell fired a portal at the ground, and suddenly there was a cacophony of noise as a dozen or so heavy metal objects started falling through the portal, then back out because both portals were on the ground. “It’s amazing what you can do if you just take the time to plan,” said Artemis.
“I’ll say,” said Don, covering his ears. “Could you shut that stuff up?”
“Sure thing,” said Artemis. “Chell, if you would.”
Chell responded by firing a portal on a nearby tree, causing all the things they’d just been portal juggling to spill out of it. One of the things was a pitchfork, that landed squarely on Kenny’s head.

“Shit, can I have a minute while I bring him back?” asked Sabriel.
“Sure,” said Don. “We still need to have Light and Kathryn do their thing anyway.”
“Thanks,” said Sabriel, preparing to enter into Death.
“And while she’s gone, we’ll be taking this,” said Light, grabbing the microphone attached to the amplifiers.
“He can’t do that, can he?” asked Finn.
“He did ask,” said Don. “I foresaw something like this happening. But it’s legal if you look at the exact wording of what I said, which was anything they can find on the island.”
“Exactly,” said Light, holding the microphone. “And now, if you don’t mind.” Light carefully placed the microphone in front of one of the speakers, causing a horrible loud screeching sound.
“UGH! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!” screamed Don.
“One second,” said Light, watching the decibel reader. After a moment, he calmly removed the microphone from its resting place. “Two hundred and fifty decibels. I think we win.”
“Not yet,” said Don, a small amount of blood dripping from his ear. “Let’s see what Sabriel and Kenny have planned.”
At that moment, Sabriel returned with Kenny from Death. “What did we miss?” asked Sabriel.
“Light stealing your prize from last week,” said Finn.
“Finn, please,” said Light. “I was borrowing it.”
“And I’m destroying it,” said Kathryn, drawing her leg back to kick one of the speakers. Before she could do anything though, Kenny jumped up and grabbed her leg, causing her to lose balance. “Let go you little shi…” Before she could finish speaking, she crashed to the ground in a heap.
“All that was seventy five decibels,” said Don. “So this challenge is…”
“Hold on,” said Sabriel. “We’re not done. I was going to use the feedback from the microphone…”
“Please no,” interrupted Don. “Light already did that. Just let us keep our eardrums intact.”
“So we win?” asked Kathryn, getting off the floor. “Excellent, what’s our prize for next time?”
“You’ll find out next time,” said Don. “As for Max and Zidane…”
“We made it through?” asked Zidane, recovering consciousness.
“No, you idiot, we lost,” said Max.
“Ladies, breath easy, your bras are safe until the finale when you’ll all be back here,” said Don.
“Speaking of which,” said Zidane, pulling a bunch of bras out of his pockets as the Lame-o-sine pulled up.
“And so we come to the end of another episode,” said Don. “Twenty six teams started, seven are left. Who’s going home next? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of the camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “Timmy and Louise began by fretting about the other contestants knowing about Cosmo and Wanda, but Louise told Timmy to forget about it and just get on with the competition. Which we did, in a contest to see how loud our contestants could be. Light decided to make our ears bleed by stealing Sabriel’s speaker system and using the feedback, winning them the challenge. As for the losers, that would be Max and Zidane, who thought the sound of Max slapping Zidane would be enough to win…”
“No I didn’t,” interrupted Max. “You just decided…”
“What is it with you people and interrupting me during my opening narrations?” demanded Don. “Especially when you’ve been eliminated?” The scene cuts back to Don. “Who’s going to be whited out next? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Alright, what’s the plan?” asked Light.
“The plan is, stop pretending like you want to help us,” snapped Finn. “Why do you think we tied you up?”
“I thought you were just be kinky,” said Kathryn, winking at them. Katniss glared at her.
“Look, the situation isn’t as dire as it seems,” said Artemis. “I believe that they can’t do anything that directly causes them to win a challenge, only something that may aid but not give them an outright victory.”
“What makes you say that?” asked Sabriel.
“Well, in that last challenge, they got through because a bunch of crickets happened to come past,” said Artemis. “That’s way too convenient for it to be a coincidence, so that must have been a wish. But they didn’t wish for something like, say, Metallica to turn up and play a show.”
“Of course not,” said Katniss. “One of the sites this is posted on doesn’t allow real people to be used. We’d never get away with that.”
“You get what I mean though,” said Artemis. “So they can’t give themselves the win, just the means to win if utilised correctly.”
“Alright then, I guess we know what to do,” said Annabeth. “Figure out what they wish for, and find something to counter it.”
“Even if it means sacrificing someone?” asked Peter.
“If we can do it right, no,” said Annabeth. “Of course, if that someone is Light and Kathryn, then…oops. But hopefully Timmy and Louise won’t last much longer with the force of five teams trying to beat them.”
“Hey, we wanna help too,” said Light.
“You’re helping yourselves, not us,” said Alice.
“Is it so wrong that we want to win?” asked Light.
“No, but we still don’t like you,” said Ash.

“Contestants, to the Mess Hall,” said Don over the loudspeakers. “We’re nearly done with this season, so let’s try and hurry this up. It feels like we’ve been on this island for a year.”
“What is he talking about?” asked Timmy. “We do these challenges daily, don’t we?”
“Must be one of those weird fourth wall breaks Kieran loves for some reason,” said Louise.

“Okay guys,” said Don. “Welcome to your next…hey, where are Kathryn and Light?”
“Oops, forgot to untie them,” said Alice, making no effort to move.
“Well?” asked Don.
“Well what?” asked Alice.
“Are you going to untie them?” asked Don.
“…I mean, do I have to?” asked Alice.
“We’re not doing anything else until they’re here,” said Don.
“This coming from a guy who started a challenge without me?” demanded Sabriel.
“To be fair, you still won,” said Don.
“And time literally means nothing to me,” said Alice. “So unless you intend to wait for Hell to freeze over…”
“I freed them,” said Finn, leading the two missing contestants into the room.
“But why?” asked Alice.
“Because you might not die from time, but the rest of us will,” said Finn.
“Thank you Finn,” said Don. “Now, on with explaining the challenge.”

“Do we get our prize now?” asked Kathryn.
“Just let me explain the…” started Don.
“No, give us the prize,” said Kathryn. “We want to start planning for the challenge so we can win.”
“Kathryn, please,” said Light. “We’ll get the stuff in due time, and then we’ll…”
“Prize. Now,” said Kathryn.
Don sighed in defeat. “Fine, whatever,” he said, turning to an intern. “Give ‘em their prize.”
“See, was that so har…” started Kathryn, before being knocked over by a cart filled with tins of paint. The paint tins fell on top of Kathryn, drenching her in paint.
“See, this is what happens when you decide to interrupt me,” said Don. “Now, as I was saying, today’s challenge is for one of you to paint the other one, and the best painting wins, the worst loses. Judged by me, of course.”
“Aren’t you biased?” asked Annabeth.
“I solemnly swear that I’m not,” said Don. “I don’t give a rat’s ass who wins, so just impress me and I’ll let you go to the next round.”
“What do we paint with?” asked Artemis.
“Whatever you can find,” said Don. “Honestly, whatever you come up with in order to win, I’ll allow.”
“That’s great and all,” said Kathryn. “But what do we paint with, now that you’ve covered me in the paint we won?”
“Same as everyone else,” said Don. “Honestly, if you weren’t so impatient, you wouldn’t be having this problem.”
“You don’t have any spare paint do you?” asked Light.
“Nope,” said Don. “Okay, time starts now.”
“You better make me look good,” said Louise, dragging Timmy away by the ear. Light, Annabeth, and Artemis watched this with interest, before focusing on the task at hand.

“I’ll be the painter for our team,” said Sabriel. “Since you wear mostly orange, you’ll be easier to draw.”
“By the way, the more complex the better,” Don called out to the contestants.
“…damn it,” said Sabriel.
“Mmf mff mfff mf?” asked Kenny.
“Yeah, why not?” asked Sabriel. “I think I can make this work, with some…uh…’creative liberties.’” Kenny shook his head at this, but decided to go along with it.

“I’m not too bad at drawing,” said Ash. “I can draw you if you wa…”
“I can literally see whether I’ll make a mistake with every pen stroke,” said Alice. “I should do it.”
“No, really, I don’t mind,” said Ash.
“Ash, I already decided,” said Alice. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“Why do I feel like those are some famous last words?” asked Ash.

"Would you like me to paint you?” asked Artemis. Chell responded by firing her portal gun at the ground twice. “No? So you’d like to paint me?” Again, Chell fired at the ground twice. “Well, one of us has to paint the other one, so you might as well pick one.” Chell proceeded to fire at the ground again twice. “Did you forget that twice means no?” Chell froze for a moment, then fired at the ground once. Artemis sighed in frustration. “I’ll get ready to paint,” he said, grabbing some paper.

“So, can you draw?” asked Kathryn.
“Not really. You?” asked Light.
“Not really,” said Kathryn. “So…rock paper scissors, loser gets blamed when we lose?”
“I think we can pretty much blame you anyway,” said Light. “But sure.” The two of them brought their fists out and shook them three times, before yelling out what they got. “ROCK!”
“Paper,” said Kathryn smugly. “Try to capture my good side.”

“Are you sure you want to be the artist?” asked Finn.
“Don’t worry, I learned a lot from watching Peeta,” said Katniss. “By the way, what do you look like without that weird hat?”
“Oh, this?” asked Finn, pulling off the hat. Immediately a ton of long blond hair flowed out.
“…I think it’ll be easier to draw you with the hat on,” said Katniss.

“I’ll draw,” said Annabeth. “I have to be able to draw, because I need it when designing stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?” asked Peter.
“You know, architecture and stuff,” said Annabeth. “You do know I redesigned Mount Olympus, right?”
“Why does that sound like a job that shouldn’t be put solely in the hands of a sixteen year old girl?” asked Peter.
“To be fair, I’m a demigod and a child of the goddess of wisdom and handicraft,” said Annabeth. “Now hold still, I need to make this good.”

A couple of hours later, Don was sitting in the Mess Hall, bored. “Why is this taking so long?” he demanded. “I told them they had an hour. Where are they?”
“Actually sir, you never set a time limit, just that they had to be the best,” said an intern.
Don just glared at him. “Well, you’re fired for making me look stupid,” said Don. The intern cheered, running away. “Huh, am I that bad to work for? Meh, whatever. Better make them come back.” Don grabbed the microphone and switched it on. “Attention contestants. I’m bored, so time’s up.”
“That wasn’t part of the deal,” yelled Finn from somewhere offscreen.
“If you didn’t want to get bored, you’d have set a time limit,” yelled Peter, again from offscreen.
“Okay, both of you just got penalised,” said Don angrily. “Everyone, back here and get subjected to humiliation.”

“Are you sure that’s going to pass?” asked Louise.
“Of course it is,” said Timmy, transforming back into himself. “I wished to become Leonardo Da Vinci. The others don’t stand a chance.”

Later, at the presentation…
“Okay, let’s see how bad this is,” said Don. “Let’s start with Kathryn and Light. See how they got on without their prize that they wasted.”
“To be fair, you waste…” started Kathryn, but was cut off by Light.
“This is what I drew,” said Light, placing the piece in front of Don. “What do you think?”
“Hmm…meh,” said Don, holding it up for everyone to see. The picture featured Kathryn as a very rough grey lead sketch, with obvious lines that needed removing. “Six out of ten. Next up, Artemis and Chell.”
“I took the lead on this one,” said Artemis, holding out his picture for inspection. “What do you think?”
“Hmm…” said Don. “I see what you did there in order to put forth minimal effort.” Don held up the artwork for everyone to see. At either end of the picture was a portal, with a leg and an arm poking out of each.
“To be fair, art isn’t exactly my strong suit,” said Artemis.
“And to be fair, that’s cheating…kind of,” said Don. “Four out of ten. And that four is purely because that was kind of clever. Next up, Annabeth and Peter.”
“Okay, check this out,” said Annabeth, handing over the picture, a smug smile on her face. “What do you think?”
“Why does Peter look like blueprints for a building?” asked Don, showing the picture to everyone. Sure enough, Peter looked like he was supposed to be a building.
“I told you he wouldn’t be into architecture,” muttered Peter to Annabeth.
“It’s unique, but stupid,” said Don. “I’ll give it a five. Next up, Finn and Katniss.”
“I think you’ll like this,” said Katniss, handing over their work. Don looked over it and his eyes widened in shock. “This is actually pretty good,” he said eventually.
“Told you a learn a thing or two off Peeta,” said Katniss.
“And by that I mean it’s the least crap of the steamy pile so far,” said Don, showing it to everyone. Sure enough, it looked better than the others. “I’m penalising you for calling me out earlier, and for not trying to draw Finn’s hair. Eight out of ten.”
“Suck it Light,” said Finn, poking his tongue out at Light.
“Real mature Finn,” replied Light calmly.

“Next up, let’s have Alice and Ash,” said Don, getting handed a piece of paper by Alice. “What the hell is this?”
“It’s Ash,” said Alice. “If he was in a dark and gritty reboot of his franchise.”
“God damn it Alice, Pokémon is not the DCEU,” said Don.
“Maybe Detective Pikachu will be dark and gritty?” suggested Alice.
“With Deadpool voicing Pikachu? Not likely,” said Don. “One out of ten. Next up, let’s have Louise and Timmy.”
“Behold, my masterpiece,” said Timmy, holding out his picture smugly for Don to inspect.
Don stared at the picture in confusion, then showed it to the group. “This is a masterpiece?” asked Don.
Timmy looked at the picture, and then realised what he’d drawn: Louise as a stick figure, coloured in poorly with crayons. “Uh, can you give me a minute?” asked Timmy, running outside. “What the hell guys?”
“Well, you only asked to become Leonardo Da Vinci,” said Wanda. “You never asked to have his talent, so you just took his body and kept your own talent.”
“And you didn’t think to tell me this?” asked Timmy.
“We thought you would wish for that too,” said Cosmo.
“GRR! Now we’re gonna lose,” said Timmy, walking back in to see Sabriel and Kenny presenting their picture.

“This…is perfect,” said Don, showing them the picture. “I mean, all you needed was orange and a pair of eyes, and you did so much more than that. Ten out of ten.”
“MFF mf,” said Kenny.
“Hey, language,” said Don. “So, here’s your prize.” Don handed them a box, which the winners immediately opened.
“Moonballs?” asked Sabriel, bouncing one of them on the floor and catching it. “Why do I feel like Nora’s people would like these?”
“As for the losers…” started Don.
“I know, I know, we’re going…” started Timmy.
“What are you talking about? We scored two,” said Louise.
“Wait, really?” asked Timmy. “Then that means…”
“Alice and Ash are out of here,” said Don, as the Lame-o-sine pulled up in front of them.
“I told you I should have been the artist,” said Ash.
“As if you could…” started Alice, as Ash showed her a picture. “Holy crap, you even got my sparkles in this.” The two of them got into the car, which started moving once the doors were closed.
“Six teams remain,” said Don. “Who’s going home next? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appeared in front of the camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “Planning continued to get rid of Louise and Timmy, though Light and Kathryn were restrained, because they’re still expecting them to betray the others at some point.”
“I swear, we’re not planning it…yet,” said Light offscreen.
Don sighed. “Please stop interrupting my intros,” he said. “It just unnecessarily lengthens the chapter for a cheap laugh.”
“People laugh at this fic?” asked Kathryn. “As in a ‘ha-ha this is funny’ way, and not a ‘my god this is pathetic’ way?”
“Personally, I think he’s getting this mixed up with Harry Potter Abridged,” said Light.
“CAN BOTH OF YOU JUST FUCK OFF?!” yelled Don, before composing himself. “Sorry about that. Anyway, their challenge was to paint their teammate, and hope I like it. Sadly for Ash and Alice, theirs sucked, so they ended up going home. Sabriel and Kenny, on the other hand, won the challenge, and now have a bag of moonballs to help them with the next challenge.” The scene cuts back to Don. “Who’s flying out of here this time? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“This is getting serious,” said Katniss, pacing back and forth in front of the group. “Alice was one of our best chances of stopping them. Now what do we have?”
“Three super geniuses,” said Artemis, stepping forward. “And some idea of what to do. Annabeth, Light, I know you saw what I saw during the last challenge.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Finn.
“Oh, just that Timmy is the one in charge of the fairies,” said Annabeth. “And that he didn’t win, despite obviously wishing for something that should have helped him.”
“But what was it?” asked Peter.
“Timmy tried becoming Da Vinci, but didn’t wish for his talent,” said Light.
“…How do you…” started Sabriel.
“You know I’m still around, right?” asked Ryuk. “As soon as Light knew something was up, he grabbed an apple, and I tailed the kids. Also, Cosmo and me were college roommates, so we’ve been catching up on old times for…most of the competition.”
“…You went to college?” asked Annabeth. “What the hell were you studying?”
“I…err…would rather not say,” said Ryuk.
“Ooh, I know,” said Cosmo. “It was interpretive dance, wasn’t it?”
“COSMO! What are you even doing here?” demanded Ryuk.
“Oh, Timmy and Louise sent me to spy on you,” said Cosmo. “They figured because I turn into green things that I could blend in by turning into a bush or something. But enough about me, just continue as though I’m not here.”
“Umm, actually our meeting was just being adjourned,” said Kathryn.
“Aww, are you sure?” asked Cosmo.
“Contestants. Mess Hall. Now,” said Don over the loudspeakers.
“Yeah, pretty sure,” said Kathryn.
“Darn it,” said Cosmo, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Later, when the teams had gathered in the Mess Hall…
“Okay kids, challenge time,” said Don. “This one’s extremely quick and easy, so without further ado…”
“But what about our obligatory interruptions of your explanations?” asked Louise.
“No, please stop…” started Don.
“We need to extend the chapter out since there’s only six teams left,” said Timmy. “I mean, what will our readers think if we have a short chapter?”
“Who cares what they think? They’ll read this and like it, since at least it’s an update,” said Don. “Now as for the challenge…”
“Mmf mf…” started Kenny.
“YOU’RE THROWING BALLS THROUGH A HOLE TO HIT A TARGET!” yelled Don over whatever Kenny was saying. “Honestly, what’s wrong with having a chapter with less than a thousand words?”
“Well, for one thing…” started Peter.
“Exactly, nothing,” interrupted Don, getting visibly more irritated. “Now, your challenge is to throw a ball from this yellow line, and try to get it as far as possible around this blind corner. You’ll want to bounce the ball off a wall to get it far as possible. Those of you who didn’t win get these regular tennis balls. As for our last winners…”
“Easy,” said Sabriel, bouncing a moonball against the ground.

“Okay, who to put in first…” pondered Don. “Screw it, Artemis and Chell, you’re up.”
“Alright Chell, allow me to…” started Artemis, as Chell took the ball from him and threw it. “Why would you…” he began, as Chell fired her portal gun at the spot on the wall where the ball was going to hit. She then fired a second shot at a spot on an adjacent wall, sending it around the corner without losing momentum. “Oh, I see what you did there.”
“Really, I should penalise you for cheating, but I also don’t give a shit,” said Don. “Next up, Annabeth and Peter.”
“Aren’t you gonna measure the throw?” asked Artemis.
“Nah, I’ll just take it from where the ball stopped,” said Don. “That’s how they do the shot put at the Olympics.”
“No, it really isn’t,” said Annabeth.
“Whatever, one of you throw it,” said Don.
“I got it,” said Peter, firing some of his web onto the ball. He then proceeded to spin the ball on its string around like it was a hammer. Peter let go of the ball, letting it fly straight into one wall, and off another, around the corner and out of sight.
“Excellent work,” said Don. “Kathryn, Light, you’re up.”
“You seriously expect us to keep up with a bunch of superhumans in a competition like this?” asked Kathryn.
“To be fair, you have so far,” said Don.
“Plus, neither of us are superhuman,” said Finn.
“Fine, whatever,” said Light, throwing the ball as hard as he could. The ball reached the wall and bounced around the corner. “Huh, that went further than I thought. I’m gonna check how far it went.” Light set off around the corner of the throwing area to check on their ball.
“Whatever,” said Don. “Louise and Timmy, you’re up.”

“Man, I sure wish those walls were made of rubber,” said Timmy, causing a quiet ringing sound. “Oh well, I guess I’ll just throw this ball and…”
“Oh, shut up, we all know what you did,” said Don.
“Jeez, way to be a buzz kill,” muttered Timmy, throwing the ball. As expected, the ball bounced off the wall and rocketed around the corner. There was the sound of someone getting hit by something, but no-one paid it any attention.
“Okay, next up, Katniss and Finn,” said Don. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
“You throw, I’ll propel it,” said Katniss, aiming an explosion arrow.
“Sounds good to me,” said Finn, throwing the ball as far as he could. Katniss aimed for the spot on the ground where the ball was due to hit, and fired her arrow there. Immediately, there was an explosion, which shot the ball hundreds of feet upwards and forwards.
“Well…” said Don. “That definitely got you into the lead. But your only remaining competition is using moonballs, so…”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s do this,” said Sabriel, preparing to throw.
Off to the side, Light came hobbling back to Kathryn. “What happened to you?” she asked.
“Nothing I’d like to talk about,” moaned Light in pain. “Though I get the sneaking suspicion we’ll be seeing it on That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.”
“What are you…” started Kathryn, as Sabriel threw her moonball. It soared straight into the wall, off another wall, and out of sight. But not out of earshot, as over the next few seconds they group heard the sound of a window shattering, a cat screeching before being cut off by a dull thud, what sounded like a pile of bricks falling over, then finally the sound of a car screeching before crashing into something.

Don walked into the place where the balls had been thrown, and stared in horror at the unseen carnage. “Damn it, you made the Lame-o-sine drive into my trailer,” snapped Don.
“But, we still won, right?” asked Sabriel.
Don sighed heavily. “Yeah, whatever,” he said. “But because you broke my stuff, you don’t get the prize until we do the challenge.”
“MF mf,” said Kenny, flipping him off.
“As for the losers…” said Don. “Kathryn and Light…”
“WHAT?!” yelled Kathryn, spinning around to face Light. “What the hell happened?”
“Let me put it this way,” said Light, still seeming to be in pain. “I stopped fairy kids from winning. You should be thanking me.”
“Except we don’t care,” said Finn.
“You know what? Fuck you guys,” said Light, as the Lame-o-sine pulled up.
“Five to go,” said Don. “Who will be the next to fall? Find out in two episodes time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants.
Edward and Nora
“You never put the key in the ignition.” “Which is too bad, because I already made a spike strip to stop you.”
Max and Zidane
“I have an idea. Please forgive me.” “Forgive you for wha…WHAT THE FUCK?!”
Alice and Ash
“What’s the worst that could happen?” “Why do I feel like those are some famous last words?”
Kathryn and Light
“What happened to you?” “Nothing I’d like to talk about.”
Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage. Both of them look pissed at being in the other’s presence.

“Hey guys,” said Geoff. “I’m…”
“Oh, there you go again, starting the show off,” said Bridgette. “Did you ever think to ask if I wanted to open the show?”
“That’s because we agreed when we started this that I’d always start,” said Geoff. “That’s why I…”
“Well, maybe it’s time for a girl to take over,” said Bridgette. “LET’S HEAR IT LADIES! GIRL POWER! GIRL POWER!” Much to Geoff’s dismay, many women began taking up the chant.
“Ugh, why did I even come in today?” muttered Geoff.
“Good question. It’s not like you do anything around here anyway,” said Bridgette. “Now, we have a big show for you today. That’s Gonna Leave a Mark, some never before seen footage, and of course, our Peanut Galler…”
“You forgot Truth or Bitch, because you’re still here,” said Geoff.
“Yes, I can see YOU’RE still here,” said Bridgette. “Now, let’s bring out Total Drama’s former contestants, shall we?”
“Introducing, Anne Maria,” said Geoff. Anne Maria walked onstage, tripped, and landed on her hair. As it hit the ground, it made a metallic CLANG sound.
“Damn it, now I gotta reapply it,” said Anne Maria, walking backstage with a can of hairspray in her hand.
“Cameron,” said Bridgette. Cameron walked onstage timidly and took a seat as far from the two of them as possible. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“I’m worried the venom you two are spitting at each other might be contagious,” said Cameron, still shaking.
“Aww, don’t worry kid,” said Bridgette in her sweetest voice. “I only direct it at assholes.”
“Why aren’t you pointing it at yourself then?” asked Geoff.
“Because it locks on to the biggest target,” said Bridgette.
Geoff glared at her before continuing the show. “Izzy,” he said. Izzy cartwheeled onto the stage, and saw the bitter expressions the two hosts were exchanging with each other.
“Are you two still fighting?” asked Izzy.
“YES!” yelled both of them at the same time.
“Ooh, fun,” said Izzy. “I need some snacks. SLENDY! POPCORN! NOW!”
“He still obeys you?” asked Cameron.
“Of course he does. He’s my husband,” said Izzy.
“He’s your WHAT?!” asked Cameron, as a dark tentacle reached out from backstage.
“Your snack, honey,” said a ghostly voice projected into their heads.

“That was…unsettling,” said Bridgette.
“For you maybe,” said Geoff, still visibly shaking.
Bridgette sighed in frustration, then continues the show. “Lightning,” said Bridgette. Lightning ran onstage and took his seat, obviously disturbed.
“Sha-what the fuck is that thing backstage?” asked Lightning.
“Oh, ah…that he’s a lucky man,” said Lightning backing away from her.
“Damn right he is,” said Izzy. “You are too, because I’m letting you live.” Lightning just stared at her in horror.
“Okay…” said Geoff, unsure what the say to what had just happened. He decided the best course of action was to ignore it and continue the show. “Lindsay’s here.” Lindsay walked onstage waving, before tripping over nothing.
“Damn shoelaces,” said Lindsay, getting back up.
“But Lindsay, you’re wearing heels,” said Bridgette. “They don’t have laces.”
“I know, that’s why it’s so frustrating when I trip over them,” said Lindsay.
“That’s…umm…whatever,” said Bridgette. “Lorenzo’s here.” Lorenzo came onstage playing an air guitar, then took his seat with the others.
“MacArthur,” said Geoff. MacArthur came onstage and took her seat. “No hard feelings about losing Ridonculous Race to me, is there?”
“What are you talking about? I beat you in that,” said MacArthur.
“Oh, not this shit again,” said Bridgette. “Please welcome Mike.” Mike walked onstage, when suddenly he had some kind of spasm. “Mike are you okay?”
“Darn it, you dumb whippersnapper, I’m not Mike,” said Chester, hobbling towards the seating area. “Now, get off my darn lawn.”
“Uh…yeah, sure,” said Geoff. “Umm…Miles is here.” Miles walked onstage, holding a sign that read ‘Meat is Murder’.
“Gosh darn it, now I want a steak,” said Chester, getting himself a glare from Miles.
“Noah,” said Bridgette. Noah walked onstage impatiently and sat down, looking bored.
“Sam,” said Geoff. Sam walked onstage, playing a Nintendo Switch. “Jeez, do you ever put that thing down?”
“Shh, I’ve nearly unlocked Bayonetta,” said Sam, sitting down next to Noah.
“I think that answers your question,” said Bridgette. “And now, our final Peanut Gallery member for tonight, because we need at least one more, please welcome Mr. Coconut.” A coconut with a face drawn on it was wheeled onto the stage by an intern, when someone from backstage spoke up.

“Mr. Coconut? Really?” asked a purple haired Asian girl wearing a white singlet top and cargo pants. “You could at least have an actual human who appeared in the show, even if it was just a brief cameo in a spin-off.”
“Nikki?” asked Bridgette. “But I thought Kieran hadn’t seen 6teen.”
“Oh? And he can’t have watched ninety three episodes and a reunion special in the last eleven months since he wrote that?” asked Nikki.
“…Jeez, he works fast,” said Geoff. “Okay, you get to stay.”
“Damn right I do,” said Nikki.
“Hey, don’t I get a say in this?” asked Bridgette.
“Weren’t you the one just demanding for more girl power?” asked Nikki. “Wouldn’t it be great if you had more girls onstage with you then?” Bridgette looked like she was about to object, but couldn’t think of anything.
“Ooh, I like her,” said Geoff. “Well, let’s bring out our first guests, since the quicker we get through this, the sooner I can get away from her.”
“Oh, I’m down to just a pronoun now, am I?” demanded Bridgette.
“Jeez, they’re really going at it, aren’t they?” asked Noah.
“Who cares? This is gonna be fun,” said Izzy, her mouth full of popcorn. “Want some?”
“…Sure,” said Noah, grabbing a handful.
“That popcorn better be cruelty free,” said Miles.
“Of course it is,” said Izzy, offering some to Miles. Miles grabbed a handful and began to eat it. “As in, the cruelty comes free with the popcorn.” Miles immediately spat out what she was eating. “Also, there’s butter on this.”
“I fucking hate you,” said Miles under her breath, before turning her attention back to the hosts as they finished their bickering.

“Well, here are our first guests, Edward and Nora,” said Bridgette. For a moment, nothing happened, then the two guests walked onstage. “Hey guys, how are you…”
“Can’t talk now Bridgette, we’re trying to get out of this cave,” said Nora, walking right past the two of them and off the stage on the other side.
“They know they lost, right?” asked Geoff.
“If they knew that, they’d know one thing, which is twice as much as you,” said Bridgette.
“Wow, this is getting intense,” Cameron whispered to the others.
“Sha, Lightning didn’t come here for all this drama,” said Lightning. “Who would think this show would have something like that?”
“…right,” said Cameron, as the two hosts continued the show.
“Well, time to bring out the two human animal freaks,” said Geoff. “Max and Zidane, out you come.”
“You know, you say that like we had a choice in the matter,” said Zidane, sitting down in the guest chair.
“Yeah, The Lab didn’t exactly give me a consent form. They just kinda forced this on me,” said Max.
“Well, whatever,” said Geoff, clearly still pissed. “I suppose I should ask how you two are going.”
“Well, I’m…” started Max.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s great,” said Geoff. “Can we move on yet?”
“Sorry about him,” said Bridgette. “Apparently he left his good hosting skills at home.”
“HA! You admitted I was a good host,” said Geoff.
“Sorry, I meant all your hosting skill,” said Bridgette.
“GAH!” yelled Geoff in frustration. “Let’s just go to That’s Gonna Leave a Mark.”
“Oh, I’ll leave a mark on you,” snapped Bridgette, as the giant TV screen dropped down from the roof.

In the first scene, Kenny was falling down the hole he fell down…and landed on a mattress. Kenny sighed with relief…then a stalactite fell on him.
In the second scene, Annabeth and Peter were planning what to do. “Okay, what can we do?” asked Peter.
“I could try singing in a really high-pitched voice,” said Annabeth. “We probably won’t win, but I doubt we’d be eliminated.”
“Okay, let’s hear it,” said Peter. Annabeth took a deep breath, and began screaming in a really high pitched voice. Blood started dripping out of Peter’s ears. “Okay, let’s call that Plan B, shall we?”
In the third scene, Light and Kathryn were still tied up. Finn came up and untied them as roughly as possible, making sure they both fell on their faces.
And in the final scene, Light was just looking for how far he threw his ball…when Timmy’s ball came flying out of nowhere and pegged him right in the…well, balls.

The TV went back into the roof, to reveal the two hosts were angrily staring away from each other. “Well, at least they’re not fighting now,” said Lindsay.
“Is…is that an improvement?” asked Lorenzo. “Honestly, I can’t tell at this point.”
“BOO! This is boring,” said Izzy, throwing popcorn at Geoff and Bridgette.
Geoff ignored the popcorn, then sighed heavily. “Alice and Ash, come on out,” he muttered under his breath.
Alice walked out onstage, Ash close behind her, but intentionally staying behind. “Hey, what’s wrong?” asked Bridgette.
“He’s concerned that your fighting is going to go nuclear,” said Alice. “And I don’t blame him. I’ve seen some of the potential futures, and…well, let’s say it’s not pretty.”
“Hey, come on, we’re not fighting that much,” said Geoff.
“Name one thing you’ve said to Bridgette that wasn’t some kind of insult,” said Nikki.
“I…err…shut up,” said Geoff.
“Idiot,” muttered Bridgette.
“HEY!” I heard that,” said Geoff. “Don’t make me…”
“Hey, how about we go to the never before seen footage?” asked Alice, stepping between the two.
“Hmpf, whatever,” said Geoff, as the TV lowered itself from the roof again.

“What was going to happen if you didn’t step in?” asked Ash.
“I don’t think you’d want to experience death by ping pong ball, would you?” asked Alice.
“Hmm…probably not,” said Ash, as the TV flicked to life…and died on them. “Huh, guess Kieran has no idea what he was going to put there.”
“You make it sound like he normally knows what he’s doing,” said Bridgette. “Speaking of people who have no idea what they’re doing…” At this, Bridgette looks over at Geoff.
“I know what I’m doing,” said Geoff. “I’m bring out our last guests so we can end this shit. Please welcome Kathryn and Light.” Kathryn and Light both walk onstage and sit down across from the two of them. “Okay, they’ve come out, let’s end this…”
“Aren’t we supposed to be interviewed?” asked Light.
Geoff heaved a huge sigh of frustration. “Look, I would like to get out of the presence of…”

“ENOUGH!” screamed Nikki. “Look, both of you have been awful, and the sooner both of you figure that out, the better.”
“But Geoff…” started Bridgette.
“Got understandably frustrated at a fucking bridezilla, yes I know,” said Nikki. Bridgette looked like she was about to object, then seemed to think back to the break-up and realised it was true.
“HA! Knew you were in the wrong,” said Geoff, looking smugly at Bridgette.
“Oh, don’t think you’re off the hook buddy,” said Nikki. “I mean, it was your wedding too. Why was Bridgette doing all the work? Marriage is supposed to be an equal share in everything, and that includes the hard work, like, say, planning a wedding.”
“Jeez, what makes you such an expert in relationships?” demanded Geoff. “I thought that was Caitlyn’s job.”
“I have to put up with Drumpf supporter Jonesy,” said Nikki. “If anyone’s an expert in relationships at this point, it’s me.”
“Whatever, I’m out of here,” said Geoff, getting up to leave.
“Oh no you’re not,” said Nikki, pulling out a walkie talkie. “Caitlyn, Jen, Jonesy, Wyatt, lock the doors.”
“What are you doing?” snapped Bridgette.
“You two are working through your issues. Right. Now,” said Mike.
“Wait, you’re all in on this?” asked Bridgette.
“Honestly, I don’t care either way,” said Noah. “But Owen does, and he begged me to tell you cut this shit out.”
“Yeah, you’re both just being really mean to each other,” said Lindsay. “Don’t you love each other anymore?” As she said this, Lindsay started making a sad face at them.
“Oh, Lindsay,” said Bridgette, getting up to comfort her. “Of course I lo…” Before she could finish her sentence, Bridgette stopped herself, as if she didn’t want to say the next word.

“What was that Bridgette?” asked Geoff.
“Nothing,” said Bridgette too quickly. “I was going to say loathe, I swear.”
“No you weren’t,” said Geoff. “You were going to say love.”
“What? No,” said Bridgette, turning slightly red. “You’re just trying to make it look like I caved first.”
“Oh, come off it Bridgette,” said MacArthur. “We all heard you. Come on, give our boy the love he deserves.”
“Not until he apologises,” said Bridgette, trying to get out of this predicament. “And since there’s no chance of that…”
“Bridgette, I’m sorry,” said Geoff, stunning everyone into silence.
“…you…you’re what?” asked Bridgette.
“I’m sorry Bridgette,” said Geoff. “I knew you wanted our wedding to be perfect, and I knew you were stressing over how to make it awesome, and I did nothing to help, so I’m sorry. I love you Bridgette, and I hate that all this has come between us.”
“Geoff…” started Bridgette, tearing up a little. “I…I’m sorry too. I can’t believe what a bitch I was before. Can you…forgive me?”
“Of course Bridge,” said Geoff, bringing her into a hug and kissing her, to the cheers of all the Peanut Gallery and the audience.
“Oh no,” said Bridgette, pulling away from the kiss in horror. “The celebrant cancelled after he heard we broke up. We’ll have to cancel the wedding…”
“Oh no you won’t,” said Nikki, pulling out her phone. “Not many people know that Jude is a marriage celebrant…”
“No he’s not,” said Cameron. “That has never come up in canon.”
“Good thing this is a fanfiction where we can say that and people will just accept it,” said Nikki.
“Thanks Nikki,” said Bridgette. “Though I have to ask: why wasn’t Jude helping lock the doors? Is it because he’s unreliable?”
“Honestly, this walkie talkie doesn’t even have batteries in it,” said Nikki, showing the empty battery case on the walkie talkie.
“You mean…oh, you magnificent bastard,” said Bridgette. “I love you, but…damn, that was clever.”
“Well, you saw it here first folks,” said Geoff. “Me and Bridgette are back on, February I believe?”
“That’s about when Kieran predicts the next Aftermath will be,” said Bridgette.
“And that’s when we’ll see you next, on Total Drama Couples Aftermath,” said Geoff, as the stage cut to black.

…0% power
…0% power
…0% power
…1% power
“Here we go,” said Chef.

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of the camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “The guys discussed what to do about Timmy’s fairies, and discovered that they can’t be GIVEN the win, just extremely good advantages. Then we went to the challenge: throwing balls. Hey, you try writing a fic for this long. Coming up with challenges is hard. Anyway, Light and Kathryn lost, while Sabriel and Kenny won.” The scene cut back to Don. “Who will fall out of our final five? Find out now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“You know, I never thought I’d say this,” said Finn. “But I’m sorry that Light is out of the competition.”
“Who the hell are you and what have you done with Finn?” demanded Katniss.
“He’s right though,” said Annabeth. “For as much of an asshole that he was, he did legitimately want to help us this time. Same with Kathryn.”
“He was smart,” said Artemis. “It was his only respectable quality. Still, I suppose we can manage without him.”
“How do you figure?” asked Peter.
“Because we have to,” said Artemis.
Chell, who had been sitting off to the side, suddenly jumped up from her spot and fired her portal gun into the bushes behind her, then another one just past the group.
“Damn it,” the group heard Louise say from the bushes, as she disappeared through it. Chell then fired the portal over to where she’d just sent Louise, so she couldn’t get back through.
“Was she there the whole time?” asked Sabriel. In response, Chell started making a random of movements, from jumping to firing the portal gun to stepping to the side. “Err…I have no idea what that means.”
“It means that Chell’s not sure how long she was there, but as soon as she realised Louise was there, she portalled her away,” said Artemis.
Everyone was silent for a moment before Sabriel spoke up. “You…understood that?” she asked.
“Yep,” said Artemis. “Because Chell can’t talk, it became necessary for me to find a way to have her communicate with me, so we’ve been developing a language using whatever methods are available to her…somewhat limited range of abilities.”
“Jeez, how long has that been going on?” asked Annabeth.
“Since somewhere near the start of the series,” said Artemis.
“And you never bothered to tell any of us this, or help us learn it, because…” started Katniss.
“Because we’re still in competition with you,” said Artemis. “Come on, I like you guys, but we’re still technically rivals here.”
“He’s right,” muttered Finn. “I hate it, but he’s right.”

“Contestants, to the Mess Hall,” said Don over the loudspeakers. “Come on, we’re just four challenges and an Aftermath away from finishing this series once and for all.”
“Can’t believe it’s so close already,” said Timmy, leading the way to the Mess Hall. “What do you think we should do with the money when we win?”
“You’re forgetting something,” said Louise. “We haven’t won shit yet. Honestly, we’re only still here by sheer dumb luck. Not to mention the other four teams are united in stopping us.”
“Hey, it was your idea to use the fairies for evil,” said Timmy. “Technically, this is on you.”
“And technically, you can shut the hell up,” said Louise, running off towards the Mess Hall.
“Was it something I said?” asked Timmy.
“Don’t worry about it,” said Cosmo, appearing out of nowhere. “Girls are weird like that.”
“AHEM!” said Wanda loudly.
“Oh no, one of them found us,” said Cosmo. “Quick Timmy, run.” The two of them took off as quick as possible, leaving Wanda floating behind them.
“Men,” muttered Wanda, before following them.

Later, when all the contestants were gathered outside the Mess Hall…
“Mf mf MF?!” asked Kenny, staring at the millions of balloons coming out of the Mess Hall.
“Guess we’re recreating Up then?” asked Katniss.
“Are any of us even Disney characters?” asked Timmy.
“Kind of?” said Peter.
“I mean, they own my publisher,” said Annabeth.
“And they’re bringing my movie out this year,” said Artemis.
“None of which has anything to do with today’s challenge,” said Don, walking onto the scene. “Kids, your challenge is to get as high as possible.”
“You’re giving us permission to smoke weed?” asked Peter.
“…I’m gonna rephrase that,” said Don. “You get half an hour. Whichever team can get the furthest off the ground in that time, using whatever they can get their hands on, wins. As for the balloons…”
“Ours?” asked Sabriel.
“Yours,” said Don.
“Sweet,” said Sabriel. “All I have to do is tie a bunch of them to Kenny, then hold him on the ground with a…”
“Nope,” said Don. “You will be measured from sea level to wherever the lowest point of one of you is.”
“Question,” said Katniss. “How are me and Finn supposed to get anywhere off the ground?”
“Not my problem,” said Don. “Any other questions?”
“Yeah, just one,” said Sabriel. “How many balloons is that?”
“A thousand,” said Don. “Why?”
“Because the Mythbusters took three and a half thousand to lift a four year old off the ground,” said Sabriel. “So, there’s no way that one thousand are going to carry me AND Kenny…”
“Don’t worry,” said Don. “We decided to save some weight by taking an electron off each atom of the helium, making it lighter.”
“One, that would make it hydrogen,” said Annabeth. “And two: THAT’S NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS!”

“Okay, off you go,” said Don. The ten contestants immediately made their way off to find a way to win.
“So, what’s the plan Katniss?” asked Finn.
“Honestly, best I think of is the get to the top of the mountain,” said Katniss. “It’s the highest point on the island, so it probably isn’t the worst place we could pick.”
“Right, let’s go,” said Finn, following her.

“I wish we had a hot-air balloon,” said Timmy. Cosmo and Wanda’s wands started glowing, but nothing was happening. “Guys, I made a wish.”
“I know Timmy,” said Wanda. “But we haven’t charged our wands in a while, and…” Suddenly, the hot-air balloon was sitting in front of them. “Ah, there it is.”
“Alright let’s do this,” said Louise, climbing into the basket, followed by Timmy. A soft thud was heard above them, and Louise pricked her ears up. “What was that?”
“Probably just normal hot-air balloon noises,” said Timmy. “Off we go.”

“Chell, I refuse to believe we’ll get enough momentum to get into the air for any great length of time,” said Artemis. “Plus, if we’re on the downward part when time’s up, we lose.” In response, Chell grabbed the front of Artemis’s shirt, fired two portals at the ground, and jumped through. “I…” Chell fired another portal at the ground, sending them further into the air. “DON’T…” Another portal opened. “LIKE…” Another portal. “THIS!” Another portal.

“Okay Kenny, hold on,” said Sabriel, as she attached the balloons to them. “I mean, I don’t think this is gonna work, but in case it does I don’t want you plummeting to the ground. We probably won’t have enough time to bring you back.”
“Mf mf,” said Kenny, cutting the rope holding them to the ground. Immediately, they felt themselves lifting off the ground.
“Holy crap, this is actually working?” asked Sabriel. “Take that, logic and reason. You have no power here in the land of fanfiction.”
“Hey guys,” said Katniss, standing next to them on the top of the hill.
“Whoa, we must be really flying high,” said Sabriel.
“Actually, you’re only about four feet of the ground,” said Finn. “Seriously, with a bit of effort, we could pull you to the ground and beat you.”
“Why don’t you?” asked Sabriel.
“We’re not assholes,” said Katniss. “Plus, it’s not like we’re gonna los…”

“TIME’S UP CONTESTANTS!” yelled Don. “Ooh, Katniss and Finn, you guys are in trouble, aren’t you?”
“You’re kidding, right?” asked Katniss, then she saw the current locations of all the other contestants, including Artemis screaming in terror as he and Chell fell past them. “Oh…”
“Yeah, oh,” said Don. “A valiant effort, but everyone else just did better. As for our winners…”
“What are you talking about?” asked Peter, crawling down from the top of the balloon. “Me and Annabeth have been up here this whole time.”
“Oh, are you FUCKING kidding me?” asked Louise.
“No, he is not,” said Don, as Peter and Annabeth slid down off the balloon. “So, here’s your prize guys.”
Annabeth took the box and opened it up. “You’re kidding right? Creepy looking clown masks?”
“I got it. Our next challenge is to dress like Juggalos,” said Peter.
“God no. I wouldn’t hurt you like that,” said Don. “…okay, maybe I would, since I actually draw the line at furries.”
“Gee, nice to know we’re appreciated,” said Annabeth under her breath.
“I know,” said Don. “By the way, Finn, Katniss, the Lame-o-sine doesn’t do great on hills, so can you go down there and get picked up by it?”
“Jeez, the show’s too lazy to do our elimination,” said Katniss, leading Finn down the mountain.
“Hey, I have more important things to do,” said Don. “Like close the show with the question: who’s going home next as we work our way through the final four? Find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “The so called ‘heroes’…”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” demanded Annabeth.
“Well, you are picking on a couple of ten year olds,” said Don.
“That’s…not a bad point,” said Peter.
“Shut up, you’re supposed to be on our side,” said Annabeth.
“Anyway,” continued Don. “The four other teams continued discussing how to deal with a couple of kids that have made it a hell of a long way into the competition. Like seriously, how are they still here? Anyway, then we got to the challenge, where the contestants got high…”
“Too bad Shaggy wasn’t here,” said Sabriel.
Don sighed. “Guys, seriously? Can you not interrupt my opening narration? Just give me like two minutes to do this, okay? Anyway, Katniss and Finn lost the challenge, while Annabeth and Peter won, and were awarded scary clown masks.”
“Dibs on the Pennywise one,” said Peter.
“Why?” asked Annabeth.
“Because it would be a horrible betrayal if I wore the Joker one,” said Peter.
“GUYS! Shut the hell up,” said Don. The camera cut back Don. “Which of our four remaining teams will be scared off the island? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

“Mf mf?” asked Kenny.
“I don’t know, kid,” said Sabriel. “I mean, there goes Katniss and Finn. They were one of the team I thought would definitely help us beat those two.”
“It was inevitable that they’d lose,” said Artemis. “With Katniss gone, all the contestants who’ve won a season are gone. AND BEFORE YOU SAY IT…” Artemis looked over at Peter as he said this. “I know that she didn’t win on Archive of Our Own. Unfortunately, that leaves us with a question of which of us will be left standing for the final two, since none of us have won yet.”
“I’m probably screwed, since my series is the most obscure,” said Sabriel.
“What about Chell?” asked Artemis. “She hasn’t been in a game in eight years.” In response to this, Chell smacked Artemis over the head with her portal gun.
“Well, I’m supposed to be dust right now, so…” started Peter.
“Oh, shut up Peter,” said Annabeth. “We’ve all seen the Far From Home trailer, we know you’re fine.”
“Look, just as long as we do everything in our power to get rid of the kids, I don’t care who wins,” said Sabriel. “It’s now or never guys.”
“Well, technically there’s the next challenge too…” said Peter.
“Shut up Peter,” said the others.

“Contestants, to the challenge meeting area,” said Don. “And by that I mean the Mess Hall. You know, like always.”
“You know what’s weird?” asked Timmy. “It’s called the Mess Hall, but how often have we had a scene where we actually eat?”
“Is that really important?” asked Louise. “Obviously the eating scenes aren’t important. Just like every time we go to the bathroom.”
“Wait, when’s the last time anyone went to the bathroom?” asked Timmy. “Or the confession cam? I feel like they’re getting a little neglected.”

Confession Cam: Empty, but with a loud echoing voice speaking.
“Yeah, I may have forgot this existed. Oh well, this fic will probably be done in a month or so, so…holy crap, I’ll be free of this in a month? WOO!”

Later, when the contestants had gathered…
“Okay kids, only three challenges stand between you and a million of whatever kind of money you use,” said Don. “How’s it feel to be the final four?”
“Can we just start this?” asked Annabeth.
“Yeah, we just wanna get this chapter and the next one over with,” said Sabriel. “After that Kieran can finally go back to writing Harry Potter Abridged and maybe get some freaking readers.”
“Jeez, patience kids,” said Don. “It’ll all be over soon…”
“We’ve done our waiting. Twelve months of it. In this crappy summer camp,” said Artemis.
In response, Don just stared down at his feet. “Yeah, yeah, I get it,” said Don. “You’re tired of this fic and it’s frustrating lack of conclusion and any kind of comment. Trust me, I am too. But we’re nearly there. Just get through this, and we can all go home by March.”
“Good. What’s the challenge, and why am I wearing a Joker mask?” asked Annabeth.
“You’re scaring kids,” said Don.
“…kinda mundane, but okay,” said Sabriel.
“No, I’m not just talking ‘crying home to mummy’ scared,” said Don. “I mean ‘years of expensive therapy’ scare.”
“…why?” asked Artemis.
“Because I have a friend who’s a therapist, and they need more business,” said Don. “Now, get out there, find some kids, and scare the shit out of them.”
“One problem,” said Peter. “We’re on an island in the middle of nowhere, with no kids anywhere to be…” Before Peter could finish that sentence, Don opened the door, revealing the island to be teeming with kids. “Oh…how did you…?”
“I have my ways,” said Don. “Now, get to work. Or don’t. I don’t care if you get eliminated.”

“I wish the bogeyman was here,” said Timmy.
“Timmy, I don’t know how to…” started Wanda.
“Coming right up Timmy,” said Cosmo, raising his wand. His wand spluttered a few times, then started smoking. “What the…”
“Cosmo, don’t you remember?” asked Wanda. “Our wands are dangerously low on magic right now. Summoning something like the bogeyman right now could…”
“Wait, wait, wait, back up a minute,” said Louise. “Are you telling me that you’re out of magic, right at the moment when we need it most?”
“Well, you shouldn’t have been relying on it so much for this competition,” said Wanda.
“So, what do we do now?” asked Louise.
“Wait, I got an idea,” said Cosmo, grabbing Wanda’s wand.
“Cosmo, whatever you’re planning, it’s a bad idea,” said Wanda.
“How do you know?” asked Cosmo.
“Because it’s your idea,” said Wanda.
“You’re just jealous because you didn’t think of this,” said Cosmo, attempting to use both wands at the same time. The two wands started glowing, and something suddenly popped into existence before them.
“Holy crap…” said Louise, staring at the creation before them.

“Mf mmf mf mff mmff mff mf mf mff mf mf mmf mf mff,” said Kenny.
“That’s just sick,” said Sabriel. “Plus, what if…”
“Mf mf mf mf mf, mmf’f mff mf mmf mf mmf,” said Kenny.
“Well, okay, if you insist,” said Sabriel, clearing her throat in front of a bunch of kids. “Hey kids, check this out.” As soon as all the kids were watching, Sabriel swung her sword and decapitated Kenny, sending his head flying. Blood spurted out of the hole in his neck where his head used to be. The kids before her started screaming in terror. “Huh, guess that worked,” she said, shrugging her shoulders at the terrified children before preparing herself to go into Death.

“Trust me, kids are scared of clowns these days,” said Peter. “We just need to…”
“Peter, that’s the fifth group of kids that have been thoroughly unimpressed by us,” said Annabeth. “One kid even yawned. I don’t think kids are as scared of clowns as you thought.”
“Well, I have another idea then,” said Peter, taking Annabeth’s mask from her. “Watch this.”
“I feel like this is a bad idea, but sure,” said Annabeth.

“Chell, I really feel like this is a bad idea,” said Artemis, watching what Chell had set up. “I mean, you’re essentially just letting these kids fall indefinitely. Not exactly scary, even if they are screaming.” Chell shrugged her shoulders. “Well, I guess some of them are screaming in terror. Any chance you can make it scarier?”
Chell thought for a moment, then looked around. Spotting something, she redirected the kids through a portal that led them straight through a hornet’s nest.
“JESUS CHRIST CHELL!” yelled Artemis. “We’re just trying to scare them, not murder them.” Chell just shrugged her shoulders again, and Artemis sighed heavily. “We are going to have so many legal disputes about this.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t worry about it,” said Don, walking up to them. “Time’s up, and you’re not last.”
“Are we at least first?” asked Artemis.
“Nope,” said Don. “That honour goes to Peter and Annabeth. Again.”
“What did they…” started Artemis, as a bunch of kids ran past screaming as a couple of floating clown masks followed them. Artemis looked around, and spotted Peter controlling the masks using a rigging system he’d set up with his webs. “Oh, I see.”
“So that leave either us, or them,” said Sabriel. “Are we out?”
“Well, considering that Timmy and Louise made that…” said Don, pointing at Louise, Timmy, and something else. “…then I think the answer is pretty clear.”
“Please, give us another chance,” begged Timmy, holding up the adorable kitten that Cosmo had accidentally made. “Please? Maybe this thing shoots fire or something…”
“Give up kid, you lost,” said Don. “Like every main villain in this series, you finished fourth. Because of course you did.”
“Maybe there’s more juice in Cosmo and Wanda’s wands now?” said Timmy optimistically.
“Nope, clean out,” said Wanda. “Sorry Timmy, but this is the end of the road.”
“Technically not,” said Don, causing Louise and Timmy to look up hopefully. “Otherwise the Lame-o-sine wouldn’t be able to pick them up.” Louise and Timmy went back to looking dejected as their ride pulled up beside them. “Now, as for you two…”
“Is it anything good?” asked Peter as Don handed them the case.
“It is,” he said. “But best not to say what it is.”
“So Kieran has more time to think it up?” asked Annabeth.
“No…” said Don. “Well, maybe. But you can find out next time, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Don appears in front of a camera. “Last time, on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode start playing. “The trio of not evil teams decided they’d do whatever it took to take down the two least intimidating villains this series has ever had…”
“Except that they had magical fairies that could do pretty much anything,” said Artemis.
“I WILL PENALISE YOU BEFORE I EVEN FINISH THIS INTRO IF YOU DON’T SHUT THE HELL UP!” yelled Don, before composing himself. “Anyway, then the challenge started, and they had to scare kids. Kittens are not scary, which Timmy and Louise learned the hard way, but floating clown masks are, as Annabeth and Peter found out.” The scene cuts back to Don. “The final three is about to become the final two, which will then become the final one once we get the next Aftermath out of the way. And maybe Kieran will start another fanfic in the meantime…Anyway, who’s going to come close, but just barely miss out on the finale? Find out right now, on Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

The six remaining contestants raised their glasses in cheers as they drank…something that looked like wine but was definitely not wine, since at least one of them was underage. “So, now we don’t care who wins, right?” asked Sabriel.
“Not really,” said Annabeth. “We got rid of all the people who needed removing. Honestly, I can stand losing to any of you.”
“Still, it makes you wonder,” said Peter. “I mean, were we really the good guys, when we were older and more experienced than the kids we labelled the bad guys?”
“Peter, they had fairies helping them,” said Artemis. “I think whatever we had to do to hold them back was well and truly justified.”
“Yeah, I guess…” said Peter. “But still…”
“So guys, what did you get for this challenge?” asked Sabriel.
“Well, what we got was…” started Annabeth.
“Contestants, to the Mess Hall,” said Don over the loudspeakers.

“Mf mmf mf mmmff mf mmf,” said Kenny.
“Why did you need to announce for us to come here? We’re already in the Mess Hall,” said Annabeth.
“It’s traditional,” said Don. “Plus, it stops you from announcing your prize from the others.”
“You mean the fireworks?” said Peter.
Don sighed. “Jeez, even your character in a fanfic can’t stop from revealing spoilers,” he said.
“What spoiler?” asked Artemis. “It’s in the title of the chapter. Plus, you’d have told us what it is in the next thirty seconds anyway.”
“Whatever,” said Don. “Anyway, your challenge is fireworks.”
“Yeah? What about them?” asked Sabriel.
“You’ve got to make an amazing fireworks display,” said Don. “The one I think is the best wins.”
“An excellent challenge,” said Artemis. “One problem: only one team has any fireworks.”
“Never fear,” said Don. “I have hidden two more boxes of fireworks somewhere on the island. If you find them, they’re yours. And that goes for you too, Annabeth and Peter. If you don’t find them, you’ll have to make do with whatever else you can get your hands on.”
“Do you really think we’re that evil that we’d stop our friends from having a chance?” asked Peter.
“Yeah, I’m the only one who was a criminal mastermind here,” said Artemis. “That said, I now have an ally that can teleport things straight to me, so…” Artemis glanced over at Annabeth and Peter’s prize.
“Do it. See what happens to you,” said Annabeth. Artemis gulped in fear at her hard gaze.

“So, you have your instructions, off you go,” said Don. “Meet back here at eight o’clock tonight, and whatever you’ve managed to figure out in that time is what you get to do.”
“Alright Annabeth, what’s our first move?” asked Peter.
“Let’s figure out what we’ve got,” said Annabeth, opening their box and looking through what they had been given. “Then we can figure out what we’re gonna do.”
“You don’t wanna just light them all up at the same time?” asked Peter.
“…No,” said Annabeth sternly.

“Okay, so where would Don hide a box of fireworks?” asked Sabriel. “Probably somewhere dangerous or hard to get to would be my guess…”
“Mf mf mf mmf mmff mf mff mff,” said Kenny, pointing at a nearby tree that had a box sitting on one of its low branches.
“That…seems way too easy,” said Sabriel, as Kenny began running up to it. “Wait, Kenny…” But before she could stop him, Kenny had grabbed the box and was carrying back to her.
“Mmf? Mmff mf…MMMFFF!” yelled Kenny, as a nest of hornets that was sitting behind the box suddenly started attacking him.
“Well, at least you found the fireworks,” said Sabriel, pulling out the second smallest bell she had and ringing it. The bugs suddenly fell to sleep, so Sabriel took this opportunity to retrieve the box before going into Death to bring back Kenny.

“It figures that Don would make it this easy to get the fireworks,” said Artemis, staring at the box he and Chell had just found. “Unless…Chell, could you portal that box over to us?”
Chell gave him a confused look, since the box was only ten feet away, but figured Artemis had something in mind, so she teleported the box to right in front of them.
“Just as I thought,” said Artemis, pointing at the spot where the box had been. “Fire ants.”
Sure enough, when Chell looked again, she could see fire ants swarming around the spot where the box had been. Some were even crawling around the box itself. Chell carefully brushed them off, before picking the box up.
“Okay, I’ve got an idea of what to do,” said Artemis, loading a video on his phone. “But it will require perfect timing from both of us, and probably some portals.”

“Okay contestants, time’s up,” said Don, standing before them. “Let’s see what each of you came up with. First up, let’s see last week’s winners, Annabeth and Peter.”
“Peter, how’s the fuse going?” asked Annabeth.
“Finished,” said Peter. “If you light that bit you’re holding, this should all go off exactly as planned.”
“Excellent,” said Annabeth, lighting the fuse. The fire followed the line towards the first firework, while other lines led off to all the other fireworks. According to Annabeth’s calculations, the fuse should burn at exactly the right pace to set each firework off at the perfect moment. Except…
“Peter?” asked Annabeth. “Why is the fuse going towards the skyrockets? I thought we agreed to start with the roman candles.”
“We did,” said Peter, then suddenly realised. “Oh, shit. I gave you the wrong end of the fuse.”
“YOU IDIOT!” yelled Annabeth. “Now the whole routine will be backwards.”
“Don seems to be enjoying it,” said Peter, pointing out the host.
Annabeth glared at him, then sighed. “You’re still an idiot,” she said, and waited for the show to be over.
“That was fun,” said Don. “Though I feel like it would have been better in reverse.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” said Annabeth, glaring at Peter.
“I still liked it though, so…seven out of ten,” said Don. “A solid start to the show. Sabriel and Kenny, you’re up next.”

“Okay, let me just light the…Kenny? What are…” started Sabriel, as Kenny lit the fuse on one of the fireworks himself.
“Mf’f mmff?” asked Kenny, as his shoelace snagged on part of one of the rockets, launching him into the air. As the firework exploded, the remains of Kenny rained down on the contestants and Don.
“And this is why I was going to light it,” said Sabriel, preparing a trip into Death.
“Well, now that my favourite shirt is ruined,” said Don. “It’s time for our final contestants. Artemis, Chell, show us what you’ve got.”

Artemis stepped up to his and Chell’s fireworks, then cleared his throat. From out of his coat pocket, he pulled a stick. “Here we go,” he said, pressing play on a stereo. Immediately, Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture started playing. But, taking the place of the instruments in the song were the fireworks. Then, some of the larger fireworks started taking the place of the cannons. Chell contributed by firing portals to make sure the fireworks exploded in all the right places. Once the piece finished, Artemis took a bow. Chell seemed confused by what he did, and decided to jump in place instead.
“That was…amazing,” said Don. “It was amazing. Awesome. Beautiful. You two win. No doubt about it.”
“Hell yes,” said Artemis, pumping his fist into the air.

“Now, who to pick out of the other two…” said Don, then he clicked his fingers. “I know, I’ll get our winning team to decide who they’d rather face in the finale.”
“What?” asked Annabeth. “You mean that entire thing was pointless?”
“No,” said Don. “The reward for the winner is to pick who they’d rather face in the finale. Obviously, they’d want to pick the team they think they’ve got the best chance against.”
“Mf mf MMFF?!” demanded Kenny, just returning from Death with Sabriel to hear that.
“Yes, I am,” said Don. “Artemis, Chell, who do you choose?”
“This is in the bag,” said Peter. “Surely Artemis will pick us, since he’d want to prove he can defeat Annabeth intellectually, thereby beating a child of the goddess of wisdom.”
“Good theory,” said Annabeth. “Biggest problem: he can probably outsmart the other two in any kind of competition, so why pick us when victory against them is all but assured?”
“Annabeth, don’t dismiss Peter’s ideas,” said Artemis. “I was thinking of picking you based on Peter’s reasoning.”
“Oh, COME ON!” yelled Annabeth.
“MF mf,” said Kenny, pumping his hands into the air.
“On the other hand,” said Artemis. “If Kenny’s going to keep dying that easily, it wouldn’t be a good competition, would it?” Artemis started thinking hard for a moment, while his competitors leaned in eagerly, waiting for him to speak. “You know what? Dominating Annabeth intellectually sounds like more fun. I choose Annabeth and Peter, if you’re okay with that Chell.” Chell just shrugged her shoulders. “Excellent, we have our answer.”
“Damn it…” muttered Sabriel.
“We did it?” asked Peter, confused, then perked up a bit more. “WE DID IT! WE’RE GOING TO THE FINALE!”
“Yes you are,” said Don. “Kenny, Sabriel, it’s been great having you on the show, but I’m afraid you’re Lame-o-sine awaits.” As he said this, the Lame-o-sine pulled up, running over Kenny in the process. “Ugh, can someone clean that up? Preferably before the finale, between Artemis and Chell, and Annabeth and Peter. Who’s going to be victorious in the final ever Total Drama fanfic by kierandell1409? Find out in two episodes…or chapters, or whatever you want to call them, on Total Drama Couples.”

Chapter Text

Aftermath intro plays, with scenes featuring the eliminated contestants.
Finn and Katniss
“You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I’m sorry that Light is out of the competition.” “Who the hell are you and what have you done with Finn?”
Louise and Timmy
“You know what’s weird? It’s called the Mess Hall, but how often have we had a scene where we actually eat?” “Is that really important? Obviously the eating scenes aren’t important.”
Kenny and Sabriel
“Okay, so where would Don hide a box of fireworks? Probably somewhere dangerous or hard to get to would be my guess…” “Mf mf mf mmf mmff mf mff mff.”
Intro finishes, and cuts to Geoff and Bridgette onstage. Both are dressed in wedding attire.

“Hey dudes, what’s up?” asked Geoff. “Welcome to our last Aftermath episode ever, and also our wedding. I’m Geoff.”
“And I’m Bridgette,” said Bridgette. “And we are so excited to be doing this show. We have interviews with the eliminated contestants, That’s Gonna Leave A Mark, and some never before seen footage.”
“But before all that, we have a Peanut Gallery to introduce,” said Geoff. “So, will you please help me in introducing, Dwayne.” Dwayne runs onstage, tries to a handstand…and fails. Embarrassed, he picks himself and takes his seat.
“Ellody,” said Bridgette. Ellody walks onstage, adjusting her glasses as she went.
“Kelly,” said Geoff. Kelly walked onstage, pretending to be a cool, partying mum. When no-one joined in with her, she sighed heavily and took her seat.
“Kitty,” said Bridgette. Kitty walked onstage, doing some kind of cheering routine. Everyone in the audience applauded her, annoying Kelly to no end.
“Ryan,” said Geoff. “Man, we have a lot of Ridonculous Race contestants in this episode.”
“That’s because it’s the best one,” said Ryan as he walked onstage. “Obviously, because I was in it.”
“Umm…sure dude,” said Geoff, shrugging his shoulders.
“Err…we also have Shawn here,” said Bridgette. “See, someone who wasn’t in Ridonculous Race.” In response to his name being called, Shawn poked his head out from backstage, looked around, then rolled towards the seating area, keeping low. “Umm…what are you doing?”
“Shh…” said Shawn. “There’s a zombie here. I can feel it.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Ellody. “No-one here has died and come back from the dead. That’s just preposterous.”
“Yeah…” said Geoff. “Well…Stephanie’s here.” Stephanie walked onstage and immediately leapt into Ryan’s lap.
“Tyler,” said Bridgette. Tyler ran onstage…and faceplanted against the back of the seating area.
“Zoey,” said Geoff. Zoey walked onstage and threw herself onto the seating area.
“And, the man who’s going to marry us, Jude,” said Bridgette. Jude walked onstage, wearing a tallit, a kippah, and a kittel. “Um, Jude? You know we’re not Jewish, right?”
“You’re not?” asked Jude. “Whoa dudes, I’m sorry. I just got told you needed to be wed, and grabbed my rabbi’s stuff.”
“Weirdly enough though, you’re holding a Bible, not the Tanakh,” said Ellody.
“Really?” asked Jude. “Sweet, then I didn’t mess up.”
“But some of our fans might think we did,” said Geoff. “I can hear you saying ‘where are Eva and Ezekiel? They haven’t been on the show this season’. Well, in answer to that, we may have sent them and a few other…’Total Drama favourites’ elsewhere today…”

Meanwhile, on the summit of Mt. Vesuvius…
“Where are they?” demanded Eva. “They said they’d be here.”
Ezekiel responded by grunting and pointing towards the inside of the volcano.
“What is it boy? You think they’re in the volcano?” asked Alejandro.
“Do they really think we’re stupid enough to go into an active volcano for a wedding that’s obviously at the Aftermath studio?” asked Heather.
“Last one into the crater is the ugliest of them all,” said Josee, running past them into the hole.
“Who are we kidding? It’s always been Blaineley,” said Jacques, following his partner.
“Those bitches are going down,” snapped Blaineley, following them into the crater.
“So…do we follow them?” asked Alejandro.
“Nah, I want to see how long it takes them to realise it’s a hoax,” said Eva, looking over the edge of the hole. As she did, she winced in shock.
“What happened?” asked Heather.
“They…ah…didn’t realise in time,” said Eva, getting up and leaving.

Meanwhile, back at the studio…
“But do you know who we do have here?” asked Geoff. “Some of our other friends. That’s right, we’re bringing back our buddies, whether they’ve been on Aftermath or not this season.”
“Beth, Carrie, Courtney, Devin, DJ, Duncan, Harold, Junior, Lindsay, MacArthur, Owen, Sanders, Trent, welcome back guys,” said Bridgette. “And let’s not forget our two very special guests, my Maid of Honour Leshawna, and Geoff’s Best Man Brody.” The group mentioned all walked onstage, taking the appropriate places. “What’s up guys?”
“Is this thing over yet?” asked MacArthur. “I hate wearing suits.”
“You could have worn a dress like all the other women here,” said Sanders.
“HA! You really think I’d fall for a trick like that?” asked MacArthur. “Ain’t no way you’re getting me in a dress.”
“Don’t worry babe, you look good in whatever you wear,” called Brody.
“Aww…” said MacArthur, causing Sanders to roll her eyes in disgust.
“I’m just glad I get to spend more time on this show with my son,” said Dwayne. “Isn’t that right son?”
“Err…yeah, sure dad,” said Junior. “Just as long as you stay over there and don’t do anything embarrassing.”
“How would I embarrass you?” asked Dwayne, shuffling closer. “We’re just a couple of cool dudes, hanging out…”
“Please stop talking,” said Junior, moving away from him.
“…just checking out the girls…” continued Dwayne, before realising what he said. “But don’t tell your mother.”
“Dad, this is national TV,” said Junior.
“Uh oh…” said Dwayne.
“Actually, it’s closer to international fanfiction,” said Beth.
“Double uh oh…” said Dwayne.
“Actually, that’s not as bad,” said Harold. “Our author has such a low reader base that it could be decades before she finds out.” Dwayne gave a sigh of relief.
“Alright, dudes and chicks…” started Jude. “We’re gathered here today…”
“Hold on Jude, we need to bring out our first guests,” said Bridgette.
“I thought all the guests were here,” said Jude.
“No, as in the show’s guests,” said Geoff.
“All these separate lists of guests, it’s so confusing,” said Jude, holding his head as though he had a headache.

“These two debuted back in All Stars…” started Bridgette.
“Wasn’t All Stars the real one?” asked Lindsay.
“No, the real one was All-Stars,” said Geoff. “Fresh TV could afford to hyphenate.”
“Anyway…” continued Bridgette. “Please welcome our first guests, Katniss and Finn.” Katniss and Finn walked onstage and sat down. “So guys, how’s it going?”
“Not bad,” said Finn. “Other than the fact that we lost to those kids.”
“On the plus side, we beat Light and Kathryn,” said Katniss. “That has to count for something, right?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty awesome,” said Finn, leaning back in the chair, smiling.
“So, how’s life going to be once you go back to your own universe?” asked Bridgette. “I mean, after having been away so long, things must be different, right?”
“Probably,” said Finn. “But then again, it depends where we go back to. Don’s hoping to return us to the point in time where Chris stole us from.”
“Speaking of which,” said Katniss. “Did they ever find Chef?”
“You know, I don’t know,” said Geoff. “I’m sure they’ll wrap that up any day now though.”
“I have a bad feeling about that,” said Finn.
“Let’s fix that, shall we?” asked Geoff. “How about some slapstick in That’s Gonna Leave A Mark.”

An animation for That’s Gonna Leave A Mark plays.
In the first clip, Kenny and Sabriel are trying to get back to the ground safely, when Kenny suddenly slipped out of his rope, crashing into the ground hard.
In the second clip, Peter was chasing a bunch of the kids with the possessed clown masks, who then accidentally trampled Kenny.
And in the last clip, Kenny was looking carefully at one of the fireworks, when the sun caught it at the wrong angle and lit the fuse, blowing him up. “Well, let’s try to avoid that in the actual competition, shall we?” said Sabriel.

Back in the studio, Geoff was laughing. “Man, Kenny sure does die a lot,” he said.
“Um, Geoff?” said Bridgette, pointing over at Shawn, who was curled up in the foetal position and rocking back and forth, shaking.
“That kid…” he said. “He…he kept coming back. The zombies…they’re getting stronger.”
“Oh, right, forgot about him,” said Geoff. “Well…here’s Louise and Timmy.” Louise and Timmy walked onstage, taking a seat next to Finn and Katniss. “So guys…” All of a sudden, the studio started shaking.
“What’s going on?” asked Carrie.
“Earthquake?” suggested Devin.
“Owen about to fart?” suggested Duncan.
“They’re not that bad, are they?” asked Owen, who then noticed the way the others were looking at him. “Okay, maybe they are. But it’s not me this time, I swear.”
“Well then, what is…” started Leshawna, as a large man in army clothes and a pair of fairy wings appeared before them.
“TIMMY TURNER!” yelled Jorgen Von Strangle. “You have exposed fairy kind to the humans. Prepare to lose your…”
“I wish everyone forgot about my fairies,” said Timmy. Cosmo and Wanda raised their wands, and suddenly there was a blinding flash, followed by nothing.
“Huh, what just happened?” asked Geoff.
“Err…nothing important,” said Timmy.
“I…I think we just finished talking about how miraculous it was that we made it to fourth place with absolutely no help whatsoever,” said Louise.
“That…makes sense,” said Bridgette. “Wait…oh, I just got told our never before seen footage contains the answer to your success.”
“Uh oh…” gulped Timmy.
“What’s wrong Timmy?” asked Bridgette.
“Umm…nothing…” said Timmy, as the TV came down from the roof. Timmy was sweating nervously at what was about to play.

The TV flickered to life, and started playing something from the first episode. “Hey, these are funny coloured rocks,” said Louise, finding a pink and a green rock near Timmy. “Wanna hurl them at the other contestants?”
“Err…no, I think these rocks are spec…” Timmy was saying, when the TV started spluttering, and the video stopped.
“Aww man, the footage is fried,” said Geoff, checking the VCR. “Like, seriously, the tape is liquid now.”
“Damn, how did that happen?” asked Leshawna.
“Good question,” said Trent. “But the better question is: why are we still using tapes and VCRs?”
“It’s all that was left after Chris used the rest of the budget on himself,” said Bridgette. “He wouldn’t even spring for a Betamax. I mean, come on. If you’re gonna stick us with outdated tech, at least make it good outdated tech.”
“But we did learn something,” said DJ. “Those rocks were clearly special. Maybe they were Timmy’s lucky rocks.”
“Umm…yeah, yeah, that’s it,” said Timmy. “And we only lost when I lost them.”
“Timmy, how could you be so careless?” demanded Louise.
“I said I was sorry, didn’t I?” asked Timmy.
“Did you?” snapped Louise. “No, seriously, did you? I can’t remember.”
“Err…yeah, I did, remember?” said Timmy.
“No, I don’t. That’s why I was asking, dumbass,” said Louise.

“Well, anyway, let’s bring out our final guests,” said Geoff.
“Then can we finally get this wedding under way?” asked Jude. “This suit is uncomfortable.”
“I hear ya brudda,” said MacArthur.
“Don’t worry Jude, not much longer,” said Bridgette. “Introducing, Sabriel and Kenny.” The two of them walked onstage.
Immediately, Shawn shot up like a rocket. “HIM!” he screamed. “HE’S THE ZOMBIE! You all saw the video, he kept coming back from the dead, and now he’s here.”
“…Mf?” asked Kenny. Shawn responded by screaming and running offstage.
“Well, that was an overreaction,” said Sabriel. “Honestly, it’s like he’s never seen necromancy before.”
“Is that something you should really be bragging about?” asked Zoey.
“Well, how hard can reanimating a corpse be?” asked Tyler. “I mean, the guy from Frankenstein did it.”
“You…you mean Frankenstein?” asked Kitty.
“Don’t be silly kid. How could a corpse reanimate itself?” asked Stephanie.
“If we’re done discussing classic literature…” said Geoff, turning back to Sabriel and Kenny. “So guys, how have you been?”
“Mmf, mf mmf mmff mf mff mfff mf,” said Kenny.
“Yeah, pretty much the same,” said Sabriel.
“So, you can actually understand him?” asked Bridgette.
“What? You can’t?” asked Sabriel.
“I…How? How did you figure it out?” asked Geoff.
In response, Kenny pulled down the front of his jacket. “Seriously, fucking open your ears, assholes,” he said, before pulling his jacket back up.
Bridgette and Geoff just stared at him in shock. “Well…that happened,” said Geoff. “We…err…now would like to introduce our celebrant Jude.”

“Finally,” said Jude, standing behind a podium. “Dudes and chicks, we’re gathered here today to join in holy awesomeness this bro, and his…”
“JUDE!” yelled Leshawna.
“What? I was gonna say his babe,” said Jude.
“Yeah, like, what else was he gonna say?” asked brody.
“Oh…carry on,” said Leshawna.
“Geoff, do you take this lady to be your lawfully wedded wife?” asked Jude.
Geoff wiped away a tear of happiness. “I do man,” said Geoff.
“And Bridge, do you take this dude has your lawfully wedded husband?” asked Jude.
“I absolutely do,” said Bridgette, on the verge of tears.
“Is there anyone who objects to these two being wed?” asked Jude. “Because it would be super uncool if you spoke up now.” No-one spoke up. “Excellent. By the power invested in me by the internet twenty minutes ago, I now pronounce you Dude and Babe. Kiss her dude.”
Geoff leaned in and kissed Bridgette passionately. “There you have it guys,” said Geoff. “That was our wedding, and that was our show. Thanks for watching…”
“Reading,” corrected Bridgette.
“Whatever,” shrugged Geoff. “Thanks for your support over the years of this fanfic, and enjoy the finale when it comes out…when do you think it’ll come out Bridge?”
“I don’t know,” said Bridgette. “It’s gonna be extremely long though, so…end of this month? Early next month? Somewhere around there.”
“Right,” said Geoff. “Well, hope to see you then. Bye dudes.” The cast onstage waved to the camera as it cut to black.

“Chef…” wheezed a voice from the computer. “Chef…”
“Chris? You’re awake?” asked Chef, watching as the screen faintly flickered.
“Chef…” the voice wheezed again. “I need…something.”
“What is it buddy?” asked Chef.
“I need…fuel…” said Chris, the words soft and hard to hear.
“Fuel? What kind of…” started Chef, as suddenly a sickening squelch was heard, and Chef looked down to see a metal pole sticking into his chest. “Chris…why?”
“I’m sorry buddy,” said Chris, his screen showing that he was quickly rising to 100% power now. “But the fuel I require…is blood.” Chef stared at him in horror, before sliding down to the ground, lifeless. “Now, where can I find the ones who did this to me?” Chris saw a billboard to his left, advertising the finale to Total Drama. In the background behind Don, Chris saw the familiar camp grounds of Wawanakwa. “Here I come, kids,” said Chris, setting off towards the camp.

Chapter Text

Don appeared in front of a camera. “Last time, on Total Drama Couples.” Flashbacks of the previous episode started playing. “With a pair of harmless children…”
“STOP CALLING THEM THAT!” yelled Annabeth.
“STOP INTERRUPTING ME!” yelled Don. “Anyway, with Louise and Timmy out of the way, the remaining contestants began celebrating. But not for long, because one pair still had to be eliminated. So, I gave them the challenge of making a fireworks display. Artemis and Chell managed to win the challenge by recreating the most famous piece of music of all time…”
“But we did the 1812 Overture, not Bohemian Rhapsody,” said Artemis.
“WILL YOU…actually, that’s a good point,” said Don. “Anyway, after Artemis and Chell recreating the second most famous piece of music of all time, they got to choose their opponent for the finale. After much deliberating, they chose Annabeth and Peter, sending Kenny and Sabriel home.” The scene cuts back to Don. “This is it. Two pairs remain. Artemis and Chell, and Annabeth and Peter. One will win, one will lose, and we’re about to find out which one. Here we go, the finale six years in the making. Get ready for Total Drama Couples.”

Intro song plays.

The two pairs were sitting in the Mess Hall, enjoying a large breakfast before taking on their final challenge. Each pair sat at a separate table, on opposite sides of the hall, not talking to the other team. However, they did whisper to their teammate, discussing strategy.
“Listen Peter,” said Annabeth. “Whatever happens, you keep those two back with your webs, I’ll take the lead.”
“That’s all well and good,” said Peter. “Except that’s a portal gun. As in, they can teleport past us at a moment’s notice.”
“And that’s our first priority,” said Annabeth. “Slow down Chell, and hope Artemis doesn’t have a backup plan.”
“He probably will,” said Peter. “He wouldn’t have let us be the other finalist if he didn’t have something in mind.”
“True,” said Annabeth. “And we’ll have to plan for that on the fly, depending on what it is. You think you can do that?”
“Bring it on,” said Peter, picking up an apple. “Hey, you think I can hit Artemis with this?”
“Peter, don’t,” said Annabeth.
“Too late,” said Peter, throwing the apple.

Meanwhile, at the other table…
Chell looked up from her food, and saw Peter throwing something. “Apple,” she said.
Artemis froze with his fork halfway to his mouth. “What did you say?” asked Artemis, as the apple collided with the back of his head.
“BULLSEYE!” yelled Peter, followed by a sigh of disapproval from Annabeth.
Artemis just kept staring at Chell. “You could talk this whole time?” he asked. Chell fired a portal in the air, indicating yes. “Then why didn’t you?” Chell thought for a moment, then responded in a series of complicated jumps and portal firings. “Oh, okay. That makes sense.”

“Contestants,” announced Don. “Your final challenge will begin shortly. Are you ready?”
“Do you need to use a freaking megaphone when we are three feet away?” demanded Annabeth.
“That doesn’t answer my question,” said Don, still talking into the megaphone.
“And that doesn’t answer mine,” snapped Annabeth.
“Anyway, when you’re ready, meet me down by the pier, and we’ll begin the challenge,” said Don, before turning off the megaphone and leaving.
“Maybe we need to be part deaf for the challenge?” suggested Peter.
“Doubtful,” said Artemis. “But then again, it’s Don, so I’m not ruling it out completely.”

About half an hour later, the four competitors assembled in front of the pier. Next to the pier was a pair of bleachers, where the eliminated contestants were seated. “Well guys, how are you feeling?” asked Don. “Are you ready for this?”
“Bring it on,” said Annabeth.
“I think we can handle this,” said Artemis.
“Excellent, glad to hear it,” said Don. “Let’s begin with the first part of the challenge: choosing your team.”
“…what?” asked Peter. “I thought Annabeth was my team. Are you saying we don’t have to team up with our partners?”
“You know what would have been a better plot twist? That,” said Don. “But no. Each of you gets to pick two of the eliminated teams to help you complete this challenge. One to defend you, and one to interfere with the other team. Once we do that, we’ll get into the actual challenge, okay?”
“Alright,” said Annabeth. “I choose…”
“Hey, it’s not your turn yet,” said Don. “Artemis and Chell get to pick first.”
“But why?” asked Annabeth.
“Because they won the last challenge,” said Don. “Plus, you interrupted my intro.”
“So did he,” said Peter.
“Artemis at least had a good reason to,” said Don. “I don’t want to be wrong on national television.” Annabeth glared at him, but said nothing. “Now, Artemis, Chell, who do you choose?”

“Well, I’m thinking our defenders should be Alice and Ash,” said Artemis. “Alice is basically a one woman army, and Ash has some pretty powerful monsters at his beck and call. That is probably the best thing to have as a bodyguard.”
“Hey Alice, how come you didn’t know Artemis would choose us?” asked Ash.
“I did,” said Alice, a worried look on her face. “But I think something’s gonna happen. I can’t see anything past five minutes from now.”
“Maybe it’s because Annabeth’s a demigod and Peter’s a mutant,” suggested Ash as they went to join Artemis and Chell. “Since they’re not vampires or humans, you can’t see what’s going to happen.”
“I really hope you’re right,” said Alice, standing with their fellow teammates.
“As for running interference,” said Artemis. “What do you think of Zidane and Max? I think Zidane’s proved himself to be plenty distracting over the years.” Chell just shrugged her shoulders. “Then we’ll take them.”
“I’m already here,” said Zidane, suddenly next to Artemis.
“When did you…” started Max, who then sighed and leapt down to join her team. “Do you even know when you do these things?”
“Honestly, once my mind thinks I’m getting money, I’m not aware of my own movements,” said Zidane.

“Okay, Artemis and Chell have picked out their team,” said Don. “Annabeth, Peter, who would you like?”
“How’s this sound Annabeth?” asked Peter. “In defence, we could have a guy who can make pretty much anything out of anything, and a girl with a rocket launcher hammer.”
“Sounds good,” said Annabeth. “We choose Edward and Nor…hey, where are they?”
“Hey Don, we made it up the elevator,” said Nora, before looking at what was around them. “Hey, why’s everyone gathered around here?”
“You only just finished that challenge?” asked Don. “That was…I don’t know how long ago, but you were eliminated.”
“I thought it was odd that they were expecting us at the Aftermath studio,” said Edward. “So, I guess we’ll join the others on the bleachers to watch…”
“You’re helping us win the challenge,” said Annabeth.
“Well, you heard the lady,” said Nora, dragging Edward towards their new team.
“As for running interference,” said Annabeth. “Why not the literal strongest team in the competition? Trunks, Ayane, you’re up.”
“Seems like overkill to have us helping out,” said Trunks.
“Overkill the best kind of kill,” said Ayane, jumping down to the group. Trunks just shrugged and joined the rest of them.

“Okay, now that we’ve got all that set up,” said Don. “The challenge is…an epic, gruelling obstacle course.” A large curtain behind Don fell down, revealing the course. “This obstacle course will not just be to prove how fast you are, but how smart you are, how tough you are, and how quickly you can think on your feet. There are strength puzzles, speed puzzles, logic puzzles, puzzles requiring you to think outside the box and be creative. Basically, this has been purposely designed to see who’s the best all-rounder.”
“So, where do we come in?” asked Ayane.
“Simply put, the defenders are here to protect their respective teams,” said Don. “Meanwhile, if you’re running interference, you…well, you interfere with the other team as much as possible. Our two winners have the main goal of crossing the finish line. Once both members of the team are over the finish line, we’ll have our winners.”
“Let’s do this,” said Nora.

“Okay contestants,” said Don. “If there are no further questions, let the challenge begi…what was that?” Don got interrupted by a loud thumping sound. Then another followed shortly after, this one louder and closer. The ground shook beneath everyone’s feet, giving everyone a feeling of foreboding.
“I knew I had a bad feeling about this,” said Alice.
“But what is it?” asked Ash.
“I don’t know, and that’s very concerning,” said Alice.
The thumps continued to get closer, setting everyone on edge. “Over there,” called Zuko, pointing at a point just past a clump of trees. Everyone watched on horror as a large robot pushed through the trees, then stood at its full height.
“Hello kids,” said Chris from a monitor on the robot’s face. “Did you miss me?”
“Chris?” asked Trunks. “You’re…you’re supposed to be de…”
“I know, it’s great to be back,” said Chris. “Especially in this new, nigh-indestructible robot body.”
“We’ll see about that,” said Trunks, powering up to Super Saiyan quickly and charging up a Ki blast. “Take thi…” Before Trunks could fire his beam, Chris crushed him into the ground with one of his robot hands.
“That’s a rude way to greet an old friend,” said Chris, retracting his hand.
“We’re not your friend,” said Finn, standing up with every other contestant. “We hate you, and we’ll be taking you down.”
“Hold on, I got this,” said Light, pulling out his death note and a pen. “All I have to do is write his name, and…”
“Oh Light, I used to think you were the smart one,” said Chris. “I’m a computer now. That thing isn’t going to work.”
“There must be something in you that’s alive,” said Light, finishing Chris’s name. “There’s no way you’re fully computer now.”
“Except…I am,” said Chris. “My physical body was destroyed, but my consciousness lives on in here.”
“Forget this,” said Murtagh. “Everyone, attack at the same time. He can’t stop all of us.”
Immediately, the air was full of rocks, fire, magic, Ki, arrows, and all manner of other powers, flying at Chris’s giant metallic body. “Did we do it?” asked Katniss, another arrow ready to go.
“What the hell do you think?” said Chris as the smoke cleared. “As I said, nigh-indestructible. As in practically impossible to hurt or destroy.”

“GET THE HELL OFF MY SHOW!” yelled Don, storming up to the Chris-bot and kicking it. “YOU’RE! NOT! WELCOME! HERE! CHRIS!”
“Don, stop that. You’re breaking your toes,” said Alice.
“I! KNOW!” yelled Don, still kicking the robot. “I! JUST! WANT! HIM! GONE!”
“Okay, this is getting annoying,” said Chris, picking up Don.
“Put me down asshole,” said Don. “They chose me. Get over it. You’re done. Total Drama is done. You need to move on.”
“And why would I do that?” asked Chris. “Total Drama was my life. It was my reason for living. Then you went and took it away from me.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Haruhi. “You were fired for your gross negligence for human life, and your greed. It had nothing to do with Don.”
“That’s…not entirely true,” said Don.
“…what?” asked Finn. “You mean to tell us you had something to do with Chris’s firing?”
“No, he did that to himself,” said Don. “Hell, he’s the one who bankrupted the TV studio airing the show.”
“Hold on,” said Light. “If the studio went bankrupt, then how are we still on the air?”
“…uh oh,” said Don. “I…might have said too much.”
“Don? What’s going on?” demanded Faith.
“I…err…might not have been airing this on an actual TV channel,” said Don. “But I swear, I funded everything here and fully intend to give the winner their money when they win.”
“Too bad that won’t be happening,” said Chris. “I need blood to sustain myself, so…” Don gulped as the hand not holding him opened up, revealing a long, pointy object. Don closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable…

…when a rush of cold air flew past his face. Don opened his eyes to see the pointy object had been frozen. “Quick, get him down,” said Elsa, far below them.
“On it,” said Alice, running towards the Chris-bot. “Trunks, give me a boost.”
“Up you go,” said Trunks, throwing her off the ground with ease.
“Guys, you still care,” said Don, as Alice opened the hand around Don.
“You clearly still hate Chris as much as we do,” said Alice. “Therefore, you can’t be all bad.”
“Thank you,” said Don, as he dropped down onto a carefully placed spider-web from Peter. “And now, I’m changing our final challenge: stop Chris. Whoever gets the final blow wins.”
“Wow, you really know how to motivate people,” said Zidane, running up to the Chris-bot, daggers drawn. “Let’s see how you like a master thief.”
“Steal this,” said Chris, swinging his hand at Zidane to knock him away.
“Okay,” said Zidane, dodging to the side and grabbing hold of the robot’s hand, riding it up. “Let’s see, we got a bolt here…”
“I don’t think he was trying to challenge you Zidane,” said Max, flying in to save him when he fell.
“Don’t care, I wanna prove I can,” said Zidane, pulling out a large bolt from the robot’s wrist.
“Get off of me,” said Chris, brushing Zidane off while he was trying pull out another bolt.
“I don’t get it,” said Zidane. “First he wants me to steal something, then he doesn’t want me to. Make up your mind, man.”
“BIG BANG ATTACK!” yelled Trunks from behind Chris. A large ball of Ki formed in his hand, then fired into the back of Chris’s head.
“That, was the worst attack name, ever,” said Ayane.
“Don’t blame me, my dad’s the one who came up with it,” said Trunks.
“Ready Thorn?” asked Murtagh, riding his dragon above Chris.
‘I still don’t think this is a good idea,’ said Thorn.
“Neither do I,” admitted Murtagh. “Well, here goes.” Murtagh leapt off Thorn’s back, drawing his sword as he fell. Murtagh held his sword in front of him as he hit Chris’s back. His sword pierced the metal slightly. “Well, that’s a start.”
“HEY! Stop that,” snapped Chris, trying to reach him.
“JIERDA!” yelled Murtagh, slamming his hand against Chris’s back. There was a loud explosion, and Murtagh fell off Chris’s back.
“I gotcha,” said Kim, swinging in and catching him before he hit the ground.
“Thanks,” he said, looking back to see the damage he’d caused. Despite the size of the explosion, the hole in Chris’s back was only a small one. “Well, it’s a start.”

“Okay, this is getting REALLY annoying,” said Chris, a hatch opening on his chest. “Say hello to my little friends.”
“Why am I having Cell flashbacks?” asked Trunks, as hundreds of smaller Chris-bots came out. “Yep, that would explain it.”
“Take these,” said Chris as the last one left and the hatch closed. “Meanwhile, I’ll be taking your blood to power my fuel cells. And seeing as how so many of you are superpowered, that should keep me alive until the heat death of the universe.”
“I don’t even have blood,” said Alice.
“Who cares? By the time I’m done with your friends, I’ll be powerful enough to incinerate you,” said Chris. “In fact, why wait?” One of Chris’s hands retracted, and a large flamethrower replaced it. “Goodbye Alice, it’s been fun.” The flames began to fire out of the gun…
“GRENINJA, USE WATER SHURIKEN!” yelled Ash, as a large blue frog threw a pair of water shuriken at Robo-Chris’s hand. The water flowed into the hole where the fire was supposed to come out, so instead of fire there was only steam.
“GAH!” yelled Chris, assessing the damage to his machine. “Okay, that’s it. Get over there with the Chris-bots.” Chris swept his arm at the group of contestants in front of him, so they ended up with the robots attacking them.
“Watch out,” said Peter, firing his web and catching Annabeth, Artemis, and Chell.
“Back in a moment guys,” said Trunks, as he got himself out of Chris’s grip and started flying back towards them. Before he could get to them though, he flew headfirst into an invisible wall. “What the…”
“Well, might as well see if the winners of the season can actually beat me,” said Chris. “As for the rest of you…well, good luck.”

“Come on guys,” said Peter, swinging into action against the Robo-Chris. “We need to hold him off until the others can get over here.” Chell followed him, portalling herself behind Chris.
Annabeth was about to follow, when Artemis grabbed her arm. “No Annabeth,” he said.
“Excuse me?” demanded Annabeth. “I’m a fighter too, you know? I’ve fought gods, titans, giants, and monsters way stronger than him.”
“I don’t doubt that,” said Artemis. “But you probably had a strategy in mind before you fought them. Just charging in against Chris when he’s many times stronger and bigger than you is more suicide than smart, wouldn’t you agree?”
Annabeth glared at him, then sighed in defeat. “I hate when you’re right,” she conceded. “But I refuse to be useless in this fight.”
“You won’t be,” said Artemis. “We have a forcefield to take down, and a weak point to deduce and exploit. We’re smart, we can do that. Peter and Chell can keep Chris busy for us, and stay at enough of a distance to avoid being killed.”
“Let’s do this,” said Annabeth, trying to analyse Chris from a distance.

“How are we supposed to fight these things?” asked Carly, running away from two of them.
Hit-Girl stabbed her katana through one of them, and decapitated the other. “Grab a weapon and go nuts,” she said, about to go take on another one.
“I don’t have a weapon,” said Carly. “I’m one of the normal people here.”
Hit-Girl just sighed, and handed her one of her swords. “I want that back when we win,” she said.
“But…what do I do with it?” asked Carly.
As a response, Hit-Girl stabbed her sword into a robot, then sliced upwards. “Basically that,” she said, heading off towards the fight.
“You really that much confidence that she’ll get through the fight?” asked Arya, taking down a robot of her own.
Hit-Girl just laughed. “Hell no,” she said, continuing the fight. “I just think that it’ll be hilarious to see her try and fail to use a sword.”
“Bet you twenty bucks she survives,” said Kevin, pulling a string he’d set up which set off an elaborate trap. Several of the Chris-bots were standing in the wrong place at the wrong time, and ended up in a hole.
“You’re on,” said Hit-Girl, taking out another robot.

“You know, you could do something to help,” said Faith, kicking another robot in half.
“Nah, you seem to have this pretty under control,” said Kathryn, staying well back from the carnage.
“You know, that other character your actor played would be much more help right now,” said Faith.
“Zoinks, like, I don’t think Daphne would be much help right now,” said Shaggy, dodging another robot.
“That’s not what I…” started Faith, then saw the destruction left in Shaggy’s wake. “What the hell? How are you doing that?”
“Like, haven’t you seen the memes?” asked Shaggy. “I’m some kind of god now. I nearly made it into the new Mortal Kombat. Apparently I have a form of Super Saiyan even Trunks hasn’t got yet.”
“Yeah, rub it in why don’t you,” snapped Trunks, blasting through more robots.
“And why couldn’t you have been a god back when we were in the competition?” asked Noodle, putting her fist through a robot.
“Because the Internet’s a weird place, man,” said Shaggy, continuing to run through the robots.
“So, are we helping with the robots, or…” asked Gary.
“Hold on,” said Light. “I had an idea.” Light picked up a fridge magnet, and stuck it on a robot, which started sparking and exploding. “Honestly, that’s kinda what I expected.”
“What do you mean?” asked Kathryn. “There’s no way you could have known…”
“It’s Chris,” said Light. “Do you really think he could have made a powerful army of clones like this?”
“…He makes a good point,” said Gary, taking the magnet off the broken robot. “Chris knows nothing about robotics. Why would he think of protecting against magnets?”
“But how do they work?” asked Faith.
“Who cares? We have a weapon now,” said Kathryn, grabbing a magnet for herself and running towards the nearest robot.

“I’ll keep the kids safe,” said Stifler. “Don’t worry kids, you’ll be safe with…”
“Are you gonna help, or what?” asked Bart, firing a rock from his slingshot at one of the robots.
“Pan, CHARGE!” yelled Lyra, riding on Pan’s back, who was currently in rhino form.
“Well, I can still protect Kenny,” said Stifler, just as a robot stabbed Kenny through the head. “SON OF A BITCH!”
“You’re really not doing a good job as a protector, are you?” asked Louise.
“Well, I can still protect you,” said Stifler.
“Ahem,” said Louise, holding up some important looking wires and cables from one of the robots. “I just stole these without the robot noticing. Do I really look like I need protecting?” As she said this, Louise casually walked away, clobbering a robot with the stuff she stole.
“Guess that leaves Timmy,” said Stifler, before noticing he was in a protective bubble. “What the hell kid?”
“Those things want our blood,” said Timmy. “And what better way to escape them than with an impenetrable bubble?”
“Yeah but, where did it come from?” asked Stifler.
“Don’t you remember? I have f…” started Timmy, before remembering the wish he made. “…fairly good resourcefulness.” Timmy tried smiling innocently while Stifler considered this.
“…oh yeah, that’s right,” said Stifler. “I mean, how else would you come fourth?”
“Exactly,” said Timmy, wiping the beads of sweat off his brow as Stifler left.
“I can’t believe that worked,” said Wanda, appearing next to Timmy as a squirrel.
“I can’t believe it’s not butter,” said Cosmo, also a squirrel, and holding a tub of not-butter.

“I never thought I’d be fighting alongside a DC character,” said Rogue, kicking a hole in a robot.
“I hate everything about this too,” said Raven, blowing up several robots with an energy blast.
“Jeez, so dark and edgy,” said Rogue, throwing another robot into a tree.
“We can’t all be in happy, upbeat movies,” said Raven.
“…I mean, Infinity War ended with half the universe disintegrating,” said Rogue.
“What about from your film series?” asked Raven.
“Did you see Logan?” asked Rogue.
“…good point,” said Raven, as more robots blew up.

“This is easy,” said Gray, easily taking down a bunch of robots.
“Don’t get too cocky over there,” said Saeko, taking down a few of her own.
“Why? What’s the worst that could happen?” asked Gray, just as he turned to see a wall of robots waiting for him. “Oh…BRING IT ON!” Gray ran straight into the middle of the robots, freezing as many as he could on the way in. Saeko just sighed and shook her head, before going back to the fight. Gray, meanwhile, started getting dogpiled by the robots. “I…can’t…stop them…” he said, realising too late his mistake.
“FALCON PUNCH!” yelled Zuko, blasting a bunch of the robots away from Gray.
“You…saved me,” said Gray, getting back up.
“Yeah, well, only because I didn’t know it was you under the pile,” said Zuko, running back to help the others.
“Screw you too Zuko,” said Gray, dusting himself off before re-joining the fight.

“Hey Haruhi,” said Wallace. “What do you say we Hawkeye and Ant-Man this fight?”
“I don’t watch superhero movies. What does that even mean?” asked Haruhi.
“It means we don’t turn up for the first major part, then turn up again at the end. Possibly to be helpful,” said Wallace.
“Well, considering neither of us knows how to…wait, don’t you have Sans powers?” asked Haruhi.
“And his laziness,” said Wallace, leading Haruhi away from the conflict.
“Can we come too?” asked Rachel, indicating herself and Ponyboy. “We’re not much help to anyone out there.”
“Well, I guess you guys can be Valkyrie and Kraglin,” said Wallace, motioning for them to follow him.
“What is he even talking about?” asked Ponyboy.
“Nerd shit,” said Rachel, leading the way after Wallace.

“Whoa,” said Marty, dodging one robot so that it hit another one.
“Why don’t you try fighting?” asked Blossom, blowing one up with her yo-yo.
“Do I look like a tough guy to you?” asked Marty. “My claim to fame is travelling through time in a car some old guy created.”
“Oh, right,” said Blossom. “It’s okay if you’re chicken.”
“Chi…cken…” said Marty, fuming. “Nobody. Calls me chicken.” And with that, Marty ripped the arm off the nearest robot.

“So…do we, sit here doing nothing?” asked Jake.
“Seems to be working out pretty well for us so far,” said Kouta.
“Plus, whenever anything comes near us, Patrick glares at it and it turns around,” said Dorothy.
“What was that?” asked Patrick, turning to face them after glaring at a robot.
“Nothing,” said the other three in unison.

“So, you’re just gonna leave Kenny lying there?” asked Tiffany.
“It’s probably better,” said Sabriel. “Chris isn’t going to get much blood out of a child, and he’s just gonna keep dying and providing more blood for Chris if I bring him back, so it’s better this way.”
“Fair enough,” said Tiffany, leaning back against a tree.
“Are you actually going to do anything?” asked Draco.
“Ay, here be them robots yeh wanted broken,” said Rob Anybody, standing in front of his men with various pieces of one of the robots in their hands.
“Very good,” said Tiffany. “Now, keep doing that with every robot that looks like that and is still working.”
“Do I have to drink all the black stuff that came out of it?” asked Daft Wullie.
“That was probably oil, and probably shouldn’t have been drunk,” said Tiffany.
“Tha’ weren’t a no,” said Daft Wullie, following the rest of the clan into battle.
“How are they still alive?” asked Sabriel.
“Better question: how do you even kill them?” asked Draco. “I mean, can I crush them like Eren’s doing over there…” As he said this, Draco pointed over to where Eren was crushing robots in his titan form.
“The answer is: I don’t know. To both of those,” said Tiffany, as more robots came their way.

Meanwhile, back at the fight that actually matters…
“Annabeth, if we can get you inside that hole Murtagh made, can you cause as much havoc as possible?” asked Artemis.
“Of course I can,” said Annabeth, drawing her dagger. “But how do you intend to…”
“Chell, if you would,” said Artemis. Before Annabeth could protest, Chell created a portal under Annabeth, who sprung out of the ground right behind Robo-Chris. She landed on his back right near the hole Murtagh made.
“Oh? What’s this?” asked Chris, noticing what was happening. “A bug climbing on my back? Better squish it.” Chris fell backwards, aiming to crush Annabeth against a pile of rocks.
“NOO!” yelled Peter as the two of them collided with the ground. But then Peter saw something incredible: Annabeth wasn’t crushed, but holding Chris up.
“Oh, come on man,” said Annabeth. “Me and my boyfriend have held up the freaking sky. That’s why we have grey streaks in our hair. You think a robot is much of a match for me?”
“You know, most couples just get matching tattoos,” said Peter. “Need a hand there Annabeth?”
“Obviously,” said Annabeth. “Web him up good, he’s still pretty strong.”
“Got it,” said Peter, firing off hundreds of webs, many of them wrapping around Chris’s arms to pin them down. Annabeth took the opportunity of this to open the hole on Chris’s back a bit wider, then crawled inside it. “Okay, as long as no-one Star-Lord’s this up, we should be fine now.”
“You don’t have to,” said Chris, ripping out of Peter’s bonds.
“Uh oh,” said Artemis. “ANNABETH! GET OUT OF THERE!”
“She’s not getting out,” said Chris, reaching towards the hole to retrieve the girl. “Not alive at least.” Suddenly, a sharp needle like implement came out of Chris’s hand and delved into the hole. There was the audible gasp of a girl in shock, a crash, then the unmistakeable sound of some kind of liquid being drained. As if to confirm their suspicions, a dark red substance started flowing up the needle.

“Annabeth…” said Artemis, shocked at what he was seeing.
“No, it can’t…” started Peter.
“Well kids, this just goes to prove that…” started Chris.
“Power at 40% and dropping fast,” said a computerised voice within Chris.
“…what the…” started Chris.
“Power at 75% and rising steadily,” said the computer voice.
“Huh, that was…” started Chris.
“Power at 30%,” said the voice.
“Okay, what is going…” started Chris, as Annabeth appeared on his shoulder.
“ANNABETH! You’re alive,” said Peter. “But how…”
“You didn’t actually think he managed to stab me, did you?” asked Annabeth.
“…I mean, under the circumstances…” began Artemis.
“Of course not,” said Annabeth. “I managed to dodge around it and make him stab his own blood fuel tank,” said Annabeth. “That’s why he’s losing and gaining power. It keeps cycling between the two.”
“Oh yeah?” snapped Chris. “Well, just wait until I pull this needle out and…”
“And let your fuel leak out?” asked Annabeth, causing Chris to pause. “Yeah, that needle is the only thing keeping your fuel in. You’ve essentially just lost a hand.”
“Yeah, one hand,” said Chris, raising his other hand. “Which just means I have another one to kill you with.” Chris started moving his other hand towards Annabeth. “Say goodbye kid.”
“Annabeth, MOVE!” yelled Peter, watching in horror as Chris was about to stab her.
Everything happened in the blink of an eye. Chris moved quickly, trying to take down the demigod on his shoulder. Right as she was about to be stabbed, Annabeth threw herself towards the ground. “Peter, catch me,” she called, hoping she’d given him enough to react and save her. Luckily, Peter was anticipating her movement, and had already spun a net to catch her in. Chris, meanwhile, he just stabbed himself in the shoulder.

“Now you’ve done…” started Chris, pulling his arm out of his shoulder. Unfortunately for him, he’d done a lot of damage to his shoulder. The shoulder of the arm stuck in his fuel tank. As Chris removed his free arm from his shoulder, it started sparking and exploding, before eventually falling off. “…uh oh…”
“Everyone, CHARGE!” yelled Peter, as the four finalists made one final push to take down the show’s former host once and for all.
“Guys, guys, please, can we talk about this,” said Chris, trying to back away from them. Too late, the group ran into his legs, with enough force to knock him off balance. Chris stumbled for a moment…then toppled over backwards. “No…please…”
“This is how we like you Chris,” said Annabeth, standing over him. “Slowly dying and begging for mercy. Go to hell.”
“No…no…NO!” yelled Chris, as his screen showed his remaining power reach single digits, and started getting darker and darker. “Not like this. Not like this.”
“Goodbye, asshole,” said Annabeth, stomping through his screen as it reached 0%. As she removed her foot, Annabeth noticed an orb inside the screen about this size of a soccer ball. “Oh? What’s this?” Annabeth removed it and turned it around until she saw a blue light shining from it.
“Congratulations, you killed my robot,” came Chris’s voice from the personality core. “But as long as I’m still alive in this core, I cannot be ki…” Before he could finish that statement, Peter stole it from Annabeth and hurled it into the ocean. The water around the core began to sizzle, then the core exploded.

“Well…that happened,” said Annabeth, looking at the charred remains of Chris’s personality core as they floated back to shore. “I guess…we win?”
“Indeed you do,” said Don, marching up to the group. “Congratulations, Annabeth and Peter. You’ve won Total Drama Couples, meaning you’re the best contestants of all time.”
“I guess that makes sense” demanded Artemis. “She's the one that made Chris destroy himself.”
“And it was so much fun doing that,” said Annabeth. “But now, me and Peter get to celebrate with the spoils of victory.”
“I guess I am already super rich,” said Artemis. “Plus, Chell lives in an apocalyptic future where they have no need for money anymore. But the biggest question is: would you even be able to cash that cheque in your own universe? Don doesn’t even exist in your world, so he wouldn’t have a bank account for you to move that money from.” Annabeth paused as Don was handing her the cheque.
“…and you’re just bringing this up now?” asked Annabeth. “You’re supposed to be super rich and super smart. You should know how money works, possibly better than me, and pointed that out already."
“You finally realised, huh?” asked Don. “I was wondering when you would.”
“You knew?” asked Artemis. “You always intended to not give us the money?”
“What? No, you can keep the cheque,” said Don. “It’ll just be worthless when you get home.”
“Speaking of which, how are we getting home?” asked Peter. “You never really told us how you were going to do that.”
“Oh, I hired some scientist guy for that,” said Don dismissively. “Oh Dr. Sanchez? How’s the interdimensional transporter going?”

“I-I-I already told you, asswipe,” said an elderly man with pointy bluish-grey hair. “I-I-I’m not a doctor, I’m a scientist and an inventor.”
“Eh, whatever,” said Don dismissively. “Still need to know how it’s going.”
“Still need to be paid for this,” said Rick. “Honestly, some of this shit costs, like, a lot of money. Sometimes also innocent lives, but I can’t be held accountable for that.”
“Oh, how ungrateful of me,” said Don, snatching the cheque from Annabeth’s hand. “Here, this should just about cover it.”
“HEY!” yelled Annabeth, grabbing at the cheque, but missing.
“Eh, close enough,” said Rick, pocketing the cheque. “Introducing, my interdimensional teleporter.” Rick pulled a sheet off a machine, which everyone crowded around, and stared at with different levels of enthusiasm.
“Is…this it?” asked Elsa.
“Do you have a problem with it?” asked Rick.
“It looks like it’s made of duct tape and paper clips,” said Nora.
“MELTED paper clips,” said Rick. “Do you have any idea how much metal you can get from melting the world’s supply of paperclips?”
“Surely this didn’t require that many, did it?” asked Light.
“Nope,” said Rick. “I just wanted to make it harder for people to attach documents in a non-permanent way.”
“…why?” asked Finn.
“Why? Because a stapler company paid me to do that,” said Rick.
“Huh, didn’t realise stationary companies were this into corruption,” said Haruhi.
“You have no idea little boy,” said Rick.
“I’m a fifteen year old girl,” said Haruhi.
“Good for you little boy,” said Rick. “So anyway, once I turn this thing on, it’s gonna start blasting green blobs at you. Those blobs will detect where Chris stole you from, and send you back to that exact moment.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure I want to be blasted by anything coming form that,” said Katniss.
“Well too bad, because that’s what’s gonna happen,” said Rick. “If you wanna do any of that mushy goodbye crap, better do it now. Otherwise, you’ll be back home without having said goodbye to whatever friends you made in this world. So make it quick, I’ve gotta find some black haired catgirl and the only Asian left in an apocalyptic world for a battle to the death after this.”
“Wait, what?” asked Nora and Eren at the same time.

“Well guys, I guess this is it,” said Light. “And let me just say, I’m gonna miss everyone single one of…”
“Shut the fuck up Light,” said Katniss. “You know we don’t care one way or another about you.”
“Jeez, Katniss,” said Kathryn. “I thought you’d at least have settled down a bit on that after we teamed up to stop Louise and Timmy.”
“Did you guys even really do anything to help there?” asked Finn.
“I took a moonball to the…well, balls,” said Light. “I don’t care what they’re made of, that hurt.”
“Hmpf, I guess,” said Katniss, before sighing and giving Light a hug.
“Oh…” started Light, shocked, before hugging her back. “So, I’m forgiven?”
“Not even close,” said Katniss, letting go and pushing him away. “But maybe one day.”
“Good enough for me,” said Light.

“Haruhi, Artemis,” said Annabeth. “I honestly never thought I’d find anyone as wise as you two outside other children of Athena. And I couldn’t be happier to have met you.”
“I’m gonna miss you guys,” said Haruhi, drawing the other two into a hug.
“Likewise,” said Artemis. “But hey, if any of you manage to jump across dimensions again, be sure to drop by the Fowl estate.”
“Damn rich people,” said Haruhi under her breath.

“Well, it was an honour competing against you Arya,” said Hit-Girl. “Until the day our paths cross again…”
“You’re just sucking up to me because I beat you in the robot killing contest,” said Arya.
“Speaking of which, I better give you this back,” said Carly, handing Hit-Girl back her sword. Arya smirked as Hit-Girl handed over her money to Kevin.

“I guess this is it then,” said Alice. “Guys, I thank you for your comradery over the past few years.”
“Same here,” said Kim. “I wish we didn’t have to go, but…” Before Kim could finish, a blast of green goo covered her, and she dissolved into a puddle.
“What the fuck was that?” demanded Murtagh, staring up at Rick.
“I told you: machine fires goop, you go home,” said Rick. “It-it’s not rocket science. Not completely, at least.”
“Guess we have to be quick about…” started Ash, as he got shot by the green goop. One by one, each of the other contestants started disappearing.
“And we’re definitely going home from this?” asked Katniss.
“You’re about to find out,” said Rick, as the machine fired its final burst at her. “Alright, that’s a wrap. Better get this machine modded up for that Death Battle fic Kieran wants to do.”

Meanwhile, in another universe…
Katniss’s eyes slowly opened, and she looked around the room she was in. It was a clean, white room. In fact, it looked just like her room from when she competed in the Hunger Games. “Huh, guess it did work,” she said to herself, when she noticed something missing. Katniss checked around her chest area, before letting out a loud scream. “ZIDANE, YOU SON OF A BIT…”