I knew something was off about my relationship with Finn near the middle/end of last year, my Junior year. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but I knew it couldn’t be love. Love wasn’t supposed to feel like that. Love was supposed to be exciting, thrilling, make butterflies flutter in your stomach when you’re around them. I just didn’t feel that way about Finn. I wondered if it was just him, that I wasn’t attracted to him. Even though, at the back of my head, I knew that Finn wasn’t quite the problem. So, after working myself into hysterics about what was wrong with my relationship, I sought out help…
October last year…
I raise my hand and knock on the door firmly, three times. After a couple of minutes hearing no movement inside the house I loudly knock again, several times. I hear a muffled ‘coming!’ from inside the house and thank Barbara that he is home.
The door swings open with a bang to reveal one Noah Puckerman standing behind it,
“Streisand? Why the hell are you at my house at 1 am.?” He grumbles,
‘Is that the time?’ I think to myself, I completely lost track of time in my hormonal fit,
I ignore the question and walk inside, pushing past Noah,
“Uh, come in, I guess…” He mumbles,
“Where is your bedroom?” I ask, getting straight to the point,
“Uh, upstairs, first on the right…” He replies, looking terribly confused,
I walk upstairs, fully expecting him to follow behind me,
“Look, Berry, would you mind telling me what the hell is going on?” He asks, starting to sound a little miffed,
I don’t reply, instead, I close the door behind him, push him up against it and kiss him, hard,
He doesn’t respond initially, but, being Noah Puckerman, he soon wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer,
‘NO, NO, NO!’ I scream in my head, this isn’t working,
I keep kissing him and don’t stop, not realising that there are tears starting to run down my face, of course, Noah noticed soon enough and gently pushed me away from him,
“Rachel, what’s going on?” He asks kindly, concern etched on his face,
I just start bawling harder and sit on the bed,
“Hey, hey, hey, you’re okay, you don’t have to tell me, you’re fine,” he tries to soothe,
To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m making such a huge deal out of this. I mean, nothing’s wrong with me. It’s just, a thing, that happened, that I have no control over. Unfortunately, I’m not in any state of mind to allow my rational thoughts through and I start gasping through my tears, ‘Shit.’ I think, ‘Panic attack!’,
Puck recognises the symptoms and rushes to my side,
“Hey, Rachel, breathe okay, you are completely fine, I just need you to calm down, breathe with me. Okay, in and out.” He instructs,
It takes a few minutes, with Puck sat next to me on the bed, rubbing my shoulders, till I calm down enough to talk,
“I think I’m gay Noah…” I say, bowing my head down,
“That’s what this is about? Rachel, there is nothing wrong with that. Aren’t your dad’s gay?” He asks,
I smile at the thought of my two gay dad’s, “Yeah, I guess.”
“You’re just, struggling coming to terms with being different, huh?”
That’s mostly it I guess, so I nod. I know for a fact that I am not homophobic, and am personally very supportive of the gay community. I have always considered myself to be an ally after all.
“I’m being completely daft aren’t I?” I ask, smiling through my tears,
“Of course not,” Puck reassures,
I suddenly realise where I am, and the time it must be, and stand up with a jolt,
“Oh, Barbara I am so sorry Puck! I don’t know what I was thinking, I should go, I’m sorry for bothering you.”
He just grabs my arm and pulls me back onto the seat,
“Do I look bothered Berry?” he queries,
No, I guess he doesn’t look bothered, I blush in embarrassment,
“Sorry, anyway.” I apologise again,
“Don’t be sorry, I’m glad you came here and attacked me.” He says with a smirk,
I blush even deeper, “Yeah…” I say awkwardly, “That won’t happen again.” I assure him,
“No, I can imagine not.” He agrees,
“What about Finn?” He asks, “And school?”
I frown at the thought of both my current boyfriend and the thought of coming out,
“I have to break up with him.” I say decisively, “It would be completely abhorrent of me to lead him on after I discover my true sexuality, we will never be right for each other.”
Noah just nods in agreement, obviously prompting me to continue,
“I’m not ready to come out. Not to the school, not even to Glee club at the moment.” I say,
Noah nods and suddenly I panic, I just told him! I just outed myself to Noah Puckerman! What the fuck was I thinking! I start to hyperventilate at the thought of all the bullying and slushies that I’ll get when the football team finds out when Noah puts his arm on my shoulder,
“Rachel, breathe, come on, I’m not going to tell anyone.” He promises, looking dead serious, so my breathing slows down enough for me to gasp out a few words,
“Really?... You… swear?” I ask desperately in between breaths,
Noah holds his right hand up to his heart,
“On my life,” He swears,
I look at him and start to tear up,
He panics and just pulls me in for a slightly awkward hug, of course, Noah Puckerman is uncomfortable with a girl crying in front of him,
“What did I say?” He asks, confused,
I pull back and look him in the eye,
“Nothing, Noah, I’m just grateful that you won’t tell anyone,” I say honestly,
It obviously calms him down and he just pulls me in for another hug, kissing me on the top of my head,
“I’m glad you came hear Rachel.” He says softly,
“So am I,” I reply,
This was definitely the first step in a whole new friendship….
Back to Present Day…
After I went to Puck’s house that night, he and I grew a much stronger friendship. We had known each other since we were kids, being in the small Jewish community in Lima, and our parents knew each other well, but that night, was a big turning point for us. Noah became fiercely protective of me, and we spent a lot of time with each other, he was always there for me to talk to, him and Tina of course.
Tina didn’t know I was gay, but she was still my best friend, apart from Puck. We were always friends because of Glee, but as she told me in November last year, ‘I had suddenly changed for the better. It’s like I’m not putting up a front anymore.’.
She was right, I had become more bearable. I think, that accepting the fact I was lesbian, even if I was never actively denying it, allowed me to be myself, and stop hiding. Tina said that she was glad whatever happened changed me and that I had become a better friend because of it. I guess it was a good change for everybody in the end.
Well, my life had gotten a tiny bit more painful after I came out to myself, and Noah I guess. I had developed a crush, a huge, unrequited, painful, crush. One that would never be returned. The problem with being gay, well not a problem per say, but the complication about being gay, was having crushes on straight girls, knowing that no matter what you did, they couldn’t love you back.
I watched her walk past me and sighed, even since she had joined Glee, we still weren’t meant to be friends. It’s just how high school works, so she strolled past in her Cheerio’s uniform (and damn should that skirt be illegal), with her HBIC persona firmly in place. She didn’t spare me a glance.
“Quinn Fabray,” I muttered quietly to myself in the middle of the hall, “You are going to be the death of me.”
A voice from behind startled me, “Hey Rach, we’ve got Glee you know, the first lesson of the year, we better get going.” She said, pulling me alongside her,
‘Did she hear?’ I thought desperately to myself, but her face gave no indication of her hearing, so I relax slightly.
I knew Tina wouldn’t mind, and she was fiercely loyal so would never tell anyone, but I just wasn’t ready for anybody to know. Noah was just, collateral damage, or something. I didn’t mean to tell him, but in my hysterical mood, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I still had to be glad I told him though, it was good to share the secret with at least one person.
We walked into glee a few minutes late. Everybody was already sitting down, but of course, Mr Schue only managed to mysteriously appear after all students are settled down. Sure enough, like clockwork, as soon as myself and Tina settled down, Mr Schuester walked in, clapping his hands together in excitement,
“Welcome back everybody, hope you had a nice break. Let’s get straight into it, it’s a new week which means…???” he prompted,
“A new assignment!!!” The glee club chorused gleefully, hehe, gleefully,
“Exactly!” He confirms as he turned to the whiteboard and pulled out his marker,
We were all on the edges of our seats in anticipation,
“This week’s assignment is…” he said as he wrote something out on the board,
“Confessions!” He declares with a grin,
The glee club chattered loudly. Everybody was torn, it could be a great idea, or, could rip apart the glee club faster than you could say, Barbara Streisand.
“I want you all,” He continued, “To confess something, to anyone. It could be a secret you have never told anyone, it could be something that you are hiding from one person. It could even be something, that you want to confess to yourself.”
“Are we working with partners Mr Schue?” Mercedes asked,
“No, Mercedes, everybody is to work on their own for this assignment. I want it to be personal, close to your own heart. Okay?” He confirms,
The glee club nodded in approval so Mr Schue continued,
“Alright everyone, let’s get to work, we have the sheet music books at the front, or you can use your iPod, etc. You are to work on your own, but you can still chat amongst yourselves and consult each other for opinions and what not. We clear?”,
Everybody nodded and set to work on their song,
I spent the entire period brainstorming what I could confess, and which song would be appropriate for it. The obvious one, of course, would be to come out, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. So, I spent the period pretty stuck. As I walk out the classroom Tina grabs me by the arm,
“Know what you’re going to do yet?” She queried,
“Not exactly. I’m going to spend more work on it this evening,” Tina just nodded at that, “You want to come over and practice with me?” I asked,
“Sorry, I have a date with Mike tonight so he’s driving me home.” Tina apologised, looking regretful,
“No problems, tomorrow maybe? I could give you a lift from school?” I offered,
“Sounds great. I’ll see you tomorrow then?” She asked, slowly backing away,
I turned to walk towards the carpark when I heard some footsteps quickening behind me,
“Rachel?” A sweet voice asked,
I would know that voice anywhere, I smiled and turned around, trying to tone down my smile from ‘stalker crazy’ to more ‘pleasantly surprised’,
“Quinn? Are you ok?” I asked quickly, instantly concerned for the head Cheerio, after all, I was desperately in love with her, and it was quite out of character for her to talk to me,
She chuckled slightly at my reaction then shuffled awkwardly on her feet, playing with her cross necklace. It was a tell-tale nervous habit of Quinn’s. ‘God, why do I know that?!’ I thought,
“I, umm, kind of need a ride home…” She asked timidly, “My car got taken away from me after…” She trailed off, but she didn’t need to finish. I knew that after Beth, her dad left and her mom confiscated her car. It was understandably a bit of a sore spot for her now,
She cleared her throat and resumed speaking, “Anyway… I usually get a lift from Santana or Britt,”
‘Knew that.’ I thought, I really needed to reign it in with the whole stalker thing,
“But they are going on a date tonight so…” she trailed off again, obviously feeling bad for asking, so I cut in,
“Of course I’ll give you a ride!” I declared a little too enthusiastically, which made Quinn look at me funny,
I cleared my throat awkwardly and continued speaking, deciding to tone down the creepy,
“Yes, I can give you a lift.” I confirm, “My car’s this way, follow me.”
I couldn’t believe it. I was about to spend some quality time one on one time with my crush. It was almost a date. If, of course, you forgot the fact that Quinn was straight and would probably run the other way if she ever found out I had a crush on her. Minor detail.
We settled in the car and I pulled out of the McKinley parking lot. We sit in a semi-comfortable silence for a few minutes before Quinn gasped, which made me whirl around in horror,
“What?!” I screech, tone down the crazy Rachel, seriously,
“Sorry, I just, forgot to give you my address,” Quinn apologises awkwardly,
“No problem, I know where you live,” I said easily, which made Quinn raise an eyebrow at me,
‘Shit!’ I swore to myself, ‘What did I say about toning down the crazy? She thinks you’re a stalker!’ I reprimanded myself,
“I mean, you know, I remember where you live, because, um, there was a, party?!” I corrected,
“Yes, there was a party ages ago, I think Kurt ended up giving both of us a lift home. You were probably too drunk to remember,” I lied smoothly,
‘I am such a good actress.’ I complimented myself,
Quinn looked at me suspiciously for a minute before turning back to the road, “Right, yeah, I must have forgotten.” She agreed,
“Yeah,” I said awkwardly, “So…” topic change Rachel, topic change, “What are you doing tonight?” I asked, good one,
“Oh well first…” I zoned out pretty quick after that, her eyes really were the most stunning I had ever seen.
I don’t think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
She tells me about her night
And I count the colours in her eyes
Her eyes looked gorgeous, a perfect mix of greens and hazel, with long lashes framing them.
“God, I am never going to fall in love! I mean, look where it gets all of our friends.” She swore,
When did we change the topic to love? I just laugh in a half-hearted agreement,
She’ll never fall in love she swears
As she runs her fingers through her hair
I’m laughing 'cause I hope she's wrong
I pulled the CD out of the port as we had listened to all of the good songs anyway,
“Can you pass me a new CD?” I asked Quinn,
She reached into the glovebox and pulled out the first CD she saw,
“Do you know everything about me?” She teased,
“Pardon?” I replied, confused,
“This is my favourite album, like, ever! Did you know that?”
I laughed it off, “What a coincidence!” I lied,
“Yeah, just like how you know where I live! I wonder if you know anything else about me…” She joked,
I laugh, ‘I do know all your favourite songs.’ I thought to myself,
She just turned back to the road, a faint smile on her face,
And I don't think it ever crossed her mind
She tells a joke, I fake a smile
But I know all her favourite songs
I drove home straight after dropping Quinn off at her house. I unlocked the door and ran upstairs to my room.
‘Rachel Barbara Berry,’ I thought to myself as I collapsed on my bed and buried my face in my pillow, ‘You are in trouble.’
I had to forget about Quinn. She could never love me back; it was an irrational crush. She wasn’t worth all this heartache. I deserved better.
God, if only I could believe myself.