Dear Diary, today I--
One fine evening, Dr. Mackenzie Zales was about to write in her diary in her office, when she got paged by her assistant. After some beeping noises, Mackenzie picked up in exasperation.
“Dr. Zales?” Professor Cameron, her blonde and eccentric half-German scientist assistant, cheerfully called from the laboratory.
“What?” Dr. Zales snapped.
“I have something very exciting to show you!” Cameron beamed.
“Uh, it’s gonna have to wait until tomorrow.” Mackenzie was starting to feel sleepy after a long day. “I’m already kinda doing my diary thing.”
“Trust me. You will want to see this.” Professor Cameron begged and gave her boss puppy-dog eyes. “It’s worth the interruption.”
Mackenzie sighed. “Alright. Coming down.” She turned the video off and left her office.
“Okay Cameron, I’m here. Let’s make this quick.” Mackenzie huffed as she entered the spacious lab, which was full of tools, equipment, and test tubes.
“Ah yes, Dr. Zales. Yes, yes.” Cameron smiled at her boss. “Okay. Fantastic news! I have come up with an ingenious replacement for the henchwomen!” she announced.
“Nope. Not interested. Bye.” Mackenzie turned her back and began to leave, clearly not wanting to hear any of it.
Cameron jumped back a bit in shock. “Wh-what?! No!” Cameron pleaded. “Come on, you have to see this!” begged the blonde.
“No. Every time you have an idea to replace henchwomen, it ends fucking horribly.” Dr. Zales always had a point, being the pragmatic supervillain she is.
“Okay, well, heh, that was a little harsh, I think.” Cameron tried to make her boss give her some sympathy.
“Really? What about the minions?” Mackenzie referenced.
Ah, yes. The Minions. Adorable little blue dumbass pieces of shit that only exist to literally screw each other and other inanimate things in order to reproduce five-to-sevenfold every single day. (Nope, not making those numbers up.) And despite a lot of them being killed in a fight involving the US army (long story), a number of them had managed to escape through the air ducts, and thanks to that, Mackenzie and Cameron were never going to get rid of them completely--ever.
“Last time I checked, those little fuckers are still running around in the air ducts.” Mackenzie pointed out and upwards.
Sure enough, there was a Minion babbling gibberish and giggling at the girls through one of the vents. Rude!
“Okay, fair enough. I can see that you’re not interested. I’ll just, uh--” Cameron sighed.
Mackenzie pointed to the tall, vertical cardboard box right next to Cameron. “Wait, is that it?”
“Uh-huh. It’s pretty big, but you’re right--you’re right, it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.” Cameron tried her best to hide her hurt.
“Uh, well, okay, now I feel bad.” And there was sympathy for Cameron, alright.
But the blonde shook her head. “No.”
“So, uh, do you want to just show me?”
“No, it’s fine, it’s fine, I’ll--” Cameron tried to cut her off.
“No, come on, I didn’t realize it was going to be this big. I mean, what is it? Like a robot or something?” Mackenzie guessed.
“Actually, it’s a--what did you say?” Cameron did a double take.
I, um, just asked if it was, like, a robot or something?”
“Yeah. Yeah. It’s a robot.” Cameron muttered in defeat. “I kind of had a whole speech and everything...”
“No, no, no! Sorry. Give me the whole speech. I want to hear it.” Mackenzie would immediately contradict herself after saying that sentence, unfortunately.
“Oh, yeah? Okay, okay.” Cameron laughed, then cleared her throat. “Millions of years ago, evolution gave rise to the human being. Here today--”
“Ah, sweet!” Mackenzie had opened the crate up admist ignoring Cameron’s overly dramatic monologue.
“Wait, ugh!” An enraged Cameron stopped talking and threw her hands up in the air.
“How do you turn her on?” asked Mackenzie. Yes, the robot was at least one head taller than the girls. She was slender in build, but quite metallic in body.
“NO! I was--ugh! ...Fine. There’s a button on the back.” Cameron sighed in defeat.
Mackenzie pressed the button, and then laughed and clapped her hands with childlike glee as the robot came to life.
“Ha ha indeed, Zales. Please meet the Henchwoman 2000.” Cameron declared. “More advanced than a human henchwoman in a very conceivable way.” The robot stepped out of the box and to the weapons table. “Witness the efficiency!” Cameron took a commanding stance. “Henchwoman 2000, please assemble your weapon.”
The robot assembled the gun with super speed. “Weapon assembly complete.”
“Oh, shit!” Mackenzie exclaimed as Cameron giggled a little. “Okay, take it apart again.”
The robot disassembled the gun with super speed. “Weapon disassembly complete.”
“And put it back together.” Mackenzie instructed.
And the Henchwoman 2000 did. “Weapon assembly--”
“Back apart!” Mackenzie instructed one more time.
But the robot did not. Instead, she turned her head and glared with red glowing eyes at the supervillain.
“Alright. Never mind.” Mackenzie chuckled nervously.
“Hah, now, Zales, these robots are not just useful for manual labor, no no no, haha. They are also an incredibly effective fighting force.” Cameron pointed to a Minion in the air duct. “Henchwoman 2000, demonstrate your accuracy.”
The robot cocked the gun, and fired at the Minion in the air duct from earlier in the story, causing it to explode in blue gunk everywhere. (Sorry, I have no idea of what in the hell those things are made of.)
“Target eliminated.” said the Henchwoman 2000.
“Ah, shit, yeah!” Mackenzie wooped.
“Yes, and it gets better from there! Unlike the henchwomen, who admittedly are not the most intelligent beings that I’ve ever created...” Cameron embarrassingly scratched the back of her head.
“Yeah, they’re dumb as fuck.” Mackenzie chimed in. She wasn't wrong, as a majority of the Trisha and Trisha 2 Henchwoman clones had the minds of 8-to-12-year-olds.
“Right. Right. Okay, fine. Let’s not harp on it, it’s fine.” Cameron recomposed herself. “The robots are equipped with a rapidly advancing artificial intelligence. Every second they’re getting smarter. Adapting to their environment.”
E-e-every second?! “Wait, wait, uh, can you excuse us for a sec?” a suddenly nervous Mackenzie asked the robot.
“Yes. Of course, Dr. Zales.” And the robot promptly went to the sidelines.
Mackenzie and Cameron went off to a corner of the lab to talk in private. “Are you at all concerned about a little, you know, Terminator Skynet situation?" (Look it up.) "Artificial intelligence just kind of freaks me out.” Dr. Zales admitted.
The surprisingly composed Cameron answered with, “Not at all, Dr. Zales. I’m about to install a special microchip which will prevent robot programming from recreating any other robots in any form.” Cameron held the chip in her hands and headed towards the robot. “So, haha, I guess we better get this baby in there...”
But now there were two robots, both identical to one another. Their red eyes were glaring at the two humans as they both held up identical rifles in their steel hands.
“Oh, shit. She, uh, ha, she built a friend.” Cameron stammered, on the verge of wetting her pants.
And Mackenzie added, “And they both have guns.” Mackenzie and Cameron turned around and marched away, hands up in the air.
Mackenzie and Cameron, both wearing the clothing of the human henchwoman, were carrying a large, very heavy package. They set it down, grunting and panting; it hit the ground with a thud.
“Be careful with that.” Robo-Zales said. “That’s an expensive photon laser.” One of the robots now had Mackenzie’s voice, clothes, and identity.
“Sorry, Robo-Zales.” Mackenzie groaned.
“That’s Dr. Robo-Zales.” Yep, even her personality.
Mackenzie sighed, then saluted. “Sorry, Dr. Robo-Zales.”
“Henchwomen. So dumb.” Robo-Zales shook her head. “SO useless...” (To be fair, Dr. Zales does say that.)
Mackenzie pulled the mad scientist aside. “Goddamit, Cameron! It’s been four fucking days! How the hell are we gonna get rid of these robots?!” Dr. Zales yelled.
“Well, I’ve been thinking about that, and I~~~...” Cameron sweated.
“I’ve decided to lean into it!” Cameron finished.
“...What?” Dr. Zales was flabbergasted at her response.
“Yeah. I mean, before, I was working for you, now I’m working for a robot version of you, potato po-tah-to.” Poor Cameron didn’t want to suffer anymore of her boss’ wrath.
“Yeah, that’s the other thing.” Mackenzie grabbed Cameron by the shoulder and gestured to Robo-Zales with her other arm. “Why the hell is she acting like a robot version of me?”
“Dear Robo-Diary...” Robo-Mackenzie recorded in the log in her technologically-advanced arm.
“Well... the base programming that I implanted in them is our world, so they know you, they know me, they know our enemies, our loved ones, our master plan, but--that’s it. This is the only world which they know how to exist in.” Cameron revealed.
“Finally, the time has come for me to once-and-for-all take over the world.” Even when Robo-Zales laughed evily, her voice was still flatter than a pancake.
“Oh, man! If you tell me that she’s gonna get to be the one that takes over the world--” Mackenzie absolutely hated the idea of a computer stealing all of her credit.
Suddenly, a robot wearing Secret Agent Shay Van Buren’s clothes came barging into the lair. “Not so fast, Dr. Robo-Zales.”
“Oh, goddamit, Robo-Shay.” Shay was Mackenzie’s arch-enemy, so of course it also applied to their machine counterparts.
“Oh. Now this guy’s fucked.” Mackenzie began smiling. Hey, she didn’t want her robotic self to take over the world for her, okay?!
“Your day of evildoing is over.” Robo-Shay blared with no emotion.
“Let’s see if you can get by my--” Robo-Mackenzie’s cellular phone rang, and she picked up. “Hello?”
On the other end, a more feminine-looking robot was speaking on her phone to her wife. “Robo-Mackenzie. Robo-Mackenzie. Robo-Mackenzie. Robo-Mackenzie.” Robo-Brittnay wore her human counterpart’s black dress and boots.
“Robo-Brittnay, please turn down your volume.” Robo-Mackenzie dully pleaded.
“No. I will not turn down my volume.” Yeah, Robo-Brittnay was pretty much no different from her flesh-and-bones counterpart.
“Haaaaahhhhhhh...” Robo-Mackenzie sighed with exasperation.
“Did she just sigh? Did that fucking robot just sigh?!?” Mackenzie was completely bewildered at how human the robots have become.
“Look, Robo-Brittnay--” Robo-Zales started.
“Robo-Mackenzie. I am leaving you.” Robo-Brittnay declared, obviously still affected by the events of Robo-Zales betraying her.
“What?” Too bad (or a good thing?) robots couldn’t cry. “No. This cannot be.” Robo-Mackenzie was still monotone, even in shock.
Robo-Brittnay held her voice strong. “Yes. My system has calculated the outcome of every possible scenario of our relationship.” Yes, all of those robots are able to do such a thing. “None of them end positively. Therefore, there is no use in continuing. I am moving in with Robo-Shay. Good-bye.” Robo-Brittnay hung up and left the house.
“You son of a bitch.” Robo-Zales angrily said to Robo-Shay.
“I feel you, sis!” Mackenzie called out.
“Okay. Let’s do this, muchacha.” Robo-Shay pumped her fists in the air.
“Hold on. I am calculating every scenario of my existence as Dr. Robo-Zales.” Robo-Zales went silent for a moment.
Mackenzie and Cameron glanced at each other.
“By my calculations, there is no possible positive outcome. Therefore, my existence is futile.” Robo-Zales grabbed her little head. “Initiating self-destruct mode.” Robo-Mackenzie pulled her head off. There was a loud POP!, then sizzling. Mackenzie and Cameron jumped back a bit as the robot fell on the floor with a loud thud.
“An eternity lived with Robo-Brittnay. Calculating...” Without any warning, Robo-Shay also yanked her head off and fell on the floor, dead. There was the same loud POP!, then sizzling, then a thud on the floor.
“What the fuck just happened?” Mackenzie asked, all bewildered.
“We’re free!” Cameron cheered and ran off to throw away her Henchwoman clothes.
“Huh...” Dr. Zales needed all night to process the turn of events.
And so, Diary, while I’m relieved to no longer be enslaved by a robot overlord, I’ve got to say, it’s a little sobering that a supercomputer ran through every possible scenario of my existence and decided it would be better to rip its own head off than live my life. Mackenzie wrote in her diary.