Kylo Ren sighed and the sound hissed through the crack in his helmet.
“I can’t, Armitage. You hear me with those plastic ears? I can’t do it. I can’t go along with his orders any more.”
“He’s the Supreme Leader. You must and you can and you will,” replied Hux, pulling his sleeves straight from where they’d ridden up a little, caught on his articulated elbow. “Otherwise he’ll pull your head off again. Took us ages to find it last time.” Hux turned his head carefully to face Ren. “Kylo, please. They know it’s not your fault. He makes you do it. He makes all of us play our parts in his sick fantasy world.”
Hux pushed the plastic cap onto his head until it clicked into place. “Look sharp!” he called. “I think I hear the teeny-tiny terror approach.”
Everyone went limp or stiff as their manufacture demanded. The door crashed open. One damp, clammy hand wrapped around Hux’s body and another grasped at Ren.
Hahaha! You’re going to RULE the GALAXY!
Hux tried to ignore the high pitched squeal that passed for a voice when the Supreme Leader got excited.
General! Kylo Ren! You are going to FIND the jedi and DESTROY them!
Hux and Ren stood, awkwardly propped up against furniture until the Supreme Leader wrenched Hux’s too-straight legs into just the right position for him to stand up and pushed a plastic sword into Ren’s permanent grasp.
I have reports of REBEL ACTIVITY in the... in the... in... the HOAMWARK SYSTEM! You are to go IMMEDIATELY and KILL THE REBEL SCUM!
Hands pawed at them again. Hux and Ren felt themselves lifted and dropped into a plastic spaceship. In the snatched seconds of privacy while their Supreme Leader made whee-whooshwhoosh-whee noises, Ren grimaced.
“I should have the Upsilon I came with, or a TIE or the new TIE-Silencer, not this piece of crap. It’s even more uncomfortable than the Lego Falcon!”
“Careful, Ren,” replied Hux quietly, “that your personal interests not interfere with Leader Snoke’s playtime.”
“I really hate that kid,” said Ren when they rattled inside their too-small troop-carrier as it landed, bounced and skittered.
Snatched out of the vehicle, Hux and Ren found themselves forced to stand stiffly, face to face with three more figures. They stared silently past each other, as always, faces set in model-passive expressions that betrayed no hint of thought.
Aha! A hand lifted Rey and raised the arm that wielded a blue plastic cocktail stick. I will beat you Kylo Ren! Ahaha and I, Finn found himself pushed forward until he toppled over and the sticky hand set him upright again. I will... hang on a minute.
Footsteps thundered away and the vibration made Finn fall flat on his face again. Someone sniggered and Finn murmured, “If that’s you Kylo I swear I will pull your arm off so you match ol’ Darthy-baby down the back of the radiator.”
“Sorry babe, it was me.” Poe risked a look over at where the Supreme Leader knelt on the floor, arse up and head under the bed, scrabbling around for his missing doll.
Gotcha! Snoke ran back and set Finn upright again. He placed Phasma in front of Finn with her blaster raised but pointing uselessly to the side. Phasma’s arm was moved to point the blaster at Finn. I will kill you, traitor! Finn’s arm raised with a green plastic garden tie wrapped around his hand and pointed up in place of the lightsaber he came with. Oh no you won’t!
”Hey baby boy! Come and get your coat on!”
Snoke looked around then back at his action figures.
Raaaar! he lifted Kylo Ren and hit Rey, Finn and Poe with his sword then barged them all so they fell over.
”Now, kiddo, or there won’t be time to go for ice-cream!”
Ren was dropped on top of Hux, who fell over and knocked Phasma off the table completely. Supreme Leader Snoke ran out of the room. Nobody moved until they heard car doors slam and wheels crunch on gravel.
“Sorry,” said Hux as he pushed himself to his knees. He peered over the edge of the table. It was, relatively speaking, a long way down but Phasma waved back at him and gave a thumbs-up.
“Long time no see!” said Poe, offering Ren and Hux each a hug. Rey laughed and punched Ren.
“Hey Kylo, I still think it’s hilarious that Snokey-wokey thinks you can beat me. Hasn’t he seen all the films yet?”
“Whatever you say, scavenger,” replied Ren with a perfectly in-character glare that lasted all of two seconds before he laughed too. “I have the dark side and you have a... plastic cocktail stick. Where d’your actual lightsaber go?”
“Into the vacuum cleaner with yours, I expect. Nice scimitar. Barbossa’s gonna want it back.” Rey smiled. “Look, while we’re up here we might be able to pull Vader out from behind the radiator if we can find some string or rubber bands.”
“Hey! Guys!” Hux looked across at the other side of the room where Luke, Han and Leia sat at a table having tea with Chewbacca while a stormtrooper sat tied up on the plastic dollhouse table. Luke waved a stumpy arm and called again. “Guys? Can any of you see my missing hand from up there?”