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A List of Imaginary Films for Zach Woods and Thomas Middleditch To Star In

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A Harry Potter tie-in film that’s like about hipster wizards in Williamsburg - Zach plays a Hufflepuff from an old wizarding family whose attempts at fitting into muggle society have uneven results. Thomas plays a muggleborn Slytherin.

A romcom set in the cutthroat world of online comics. Thomas and Zach play illustrators who, one night at the Toronto Comic Arts Festival, play a game of gay chicken that goes WAY too far.

A heist movie in which Thomas plays a guy hired to steal… something… and Zach is his handler. They’re hired separately and they’ve never met; the movie has a whole Who Is On Whose Side thing; 90% of their dialogue happens over the comm.

An indie office comedy in which Zach and Thomas plays two guys who work for the same company in the same location but their cubicles are on completely opposite sides of the building. They only know each othet from inter-departmental phone calls in which they have longer and longer conversations. They stealthily - so their supervisors can't tell - have bits of conversation about non-work-related things, but they're both too shy to try to match faces to voices. They both keep meaning to ask the other where his cubicle is but then they always chicken out. Then there’s a zombie apocalypse and they meet while outrunning zombies and saving the day.

An modern-day adaptation of Maurice in which Thomas plays Clive Durham and Zach plays Maurice. No idea who would play Alec Scudder.

An erotic thriller set in the world of classical music. Zach has just won the audition for the opening in the trumpet section of the Los Angeles Philharmonic; Thomas is the histrionic conductor who cannot take Zach’s doe eyes staring out at him from the back of the orchestra every day. There is a whole thing where they argue about the phrasing for the start of Mahler’s fifth and Thomas’s character gets an erection when Zach finally plays it his way. At one point they go on tour - Zach’s first tour - and there are slow, evocative shots of him carrying his stuff in city after city, and of Thomas watching him when he thinks no one can see. In one scene, Zach is standing in the rain, smiling up at a rainbow that’s just appeared in the distance, as Thomas stands behind him, looking distraught.

An art-house sci-fi film in which Zach plays a scientist aboard a spaceship and Thomas is a member of the support crew who may or may not be a robot. Questions about identify, life, and human-cyborg sex are all… not really answered in this film, but there are lots of gentle, thoughtful, artistically pleasing shots of both actors set to ukulele music.

An adaptation of volume two of Robertson Davies’s The Cornish Trilogy, ‘What’s Bred in the Bone’ in which Zach plays the young Francis Cornish. Screw Thomas, he doesn’t need to be in this.

A film in which Thomas is a supervillain and Zach a writing a sociology phd about him.

A teen movie that’s not actually a teen movie in which Zach and Thomas play high school teachers who chat (read: gossip) about their students in the staff room every day, until they start talking about their own adolescences, end up hanging out after school, and then - after hijinks and after one of their students writes a play about them, also there’s a musical number - they fall in love.

A Ralph Waldo Emerson biopic with Zach as the esteemed essayist/lecturer/poet and Thomas as his neighbour, Bronson Alcott. No idea who plays Bronson Alcott’s daughter, Louisa May, or their other neighbours, Hawthorne and Thoreau.

A remake of Some Like It Hot with Middleditch in the Jack Lemon role, Zach Woods playing Tony Curtis’s character, and Rihanna as Marilyn Monroe. This film becomes particularly popular because of its blooper reel, in which Zach and Middleditch are arguably funnier than in the actual movie, and on top of that, they seem incredibly happy to be together.

A movie in which they’re happy.