HOWARD THE DUCK MEETS RED SONJA
For those of you who haven’t read the last story “The New Adventures of Howard The Duck” (or who can’t be bothered), here’s a quick recap:
Galactus destroyed Duckworld and all the ducks were rescued by the Guardians of the Galaxy. Unable to save Howard in time, Star Lord threw a capsule behind Howard causing a porthole to appear which sended the duck to Earth.
Howard meet the Avengers, the X-Men, Spider-man and Deadpool and they all went into space and to the planet of Cabhru, where all the ducks of Duckworld were at.
Galactus arrived and Howard, the Avengers, the Guardians, the X-Men, Spider-man and Deadpool all fought his army and Magneto’s mutants. With the brand new iron suit Tony Stark made for him, Howard flew inside Galactus mouth and dropped one of Ant-Man’s discs inside him, causing him to shrink into human size.
With our heroes winning the battle, Galactus, Magneto and the Brotherhood of mutants were imprisoned on Klyn, but Mystique avoided being capturing due her disguising herself as a duck.
With his new life on Cabhru, Howard got a job working for Peter Quill. But whilst cleaning his shelf, Howard accidentally knocked one of Quill’s time travel capsules (that Quill stupidly left there in the first place) onto the floor causing a time portal. The portal took Howard to Barbaric times……..
And that’s when our story begins……
In a Barbaric town, Howard laid on the ground. He opened his eyes and looked around confused.
Then 3 vicious men arrived.
“Ere, duck, you look tasty,” one of them said.
“I think we found dinner tonight!” laughed the second man.
“Save me a leg,” laughed the third.
They were about to attack Howard, until three arrows fired out of nowhere and impaled into the three men’s chests. The men groaned as they fell to the ground.
Howard saw who the culprit was. It was a beautiful woman with long flowing red hair and was dressed in rags. She was holding onto a bow.
“Hello there,” she greeted the duck.
“Er, hi,” Howard greeted back.
“Such disgusting manners,” said the woman. “What is your name, Mr Duck?”
“Er…...Howard,” said our hero.
“My name is Sonja,” said the woman. “Sonja the red.”
Howard was sure that he heard that name before somewhere.
“Are you from the future?” Sonja asked Howard.
“Yeah…….. From 2017,” answered Howard.
“I’ve been to the year 2016,” said Sonja. “I can help you get home.”
“Gee, thanks,” said Howard. “Boy, the crazy shit I’ve been through. First my planet gets destroyed, I end up in another planet, I get involved in a war and now I’ve gone back in time.”
“I can take you to a druid that could help us, come with me,” said Sonja.
So Sonja took Howard out of the town and toward the druid’s hut in another city. Throughout the journey, Howard told Sonja of his adventure, and Sonja told Howard of her adventures.
Back in Quill’s office, Star Lord had brought lunch for him and Howard. But when he got there, he saw that Howard was gone.
He then saw that the empty time travelling capsule was on the floor.
“Oh shit,” said Quill. “Gamora was right. I should’ve keep them in boxes. I’m so stupid.”
Quill called Gamora and she and Drax made their way to the office. Gamora was not happy.
“I told you this would happen, Quill,” she said.
“You made a real idiot out of yourself,” said Drax. “I mean, I’m glad I am not you right now. I would be so embarrassed.”
Quill looked at Drax.
“Drax, shut up,” he said.
Drax kept his mouth shut.
“Good thing that Stark man put a tracer on Howard’s phone so we can track him over time,” said Gamora as she went over to the computer.
She activated Howard’s tracer and the computer showed the co-ordinates of his whereabouts. Gamora typed them down and saw where he was.
“He’s in barbaric times,” she said.
“Okay, I’m going back in time to save Howard,” said Quill.
“And I’m coming with you to make sure you don’t screw up again,” replied Gamora.
“I wanna go too,” said Drax. “Barbaric times sounds like fun.”
“Hey, you’re not going without us!”
It was Rocket and Groot.
“I am Groot.”
“Thanks guys,” said Quill. “Do you we need reinforcements?”
Quill contacted S.H.I.E.L.D.
Fortunately, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Thor, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff and Hawkeye were available.
Since they were going back in time, Tony decided to get help from a certain someone.
Tony knocked on the door of Doctor Strange. He stood there outside the door for a few seconds.
And all of a sudden, Tony was inside Strange’s sitting room.
“What do you want, Stark?” asked Strange.
“Erm……. Yeah, since we’re going back in time, we could use your help,” said Tony.
“So, I’m just your puppet?” said Strange. “Using my powers to satisfy your needs?”
“No, we need them to help a fellow duck, lost in Barbaric times,” said Tony. “Please help……… hey what’s this?”
“Don’t touch………..,” begged Strange,
But it was too late, Tony had found Strange’s book on a desk.
“Is this your autobiography?” asked Tony.
The book was called “From surgeon to hero” and it featured a naked Doctor Strange posing on a chair.
“Why are you naked on the cover?” asked Tony.
“To sell copies,” answered an embarrassed Strange.
Tony looked behind Strange and saw that there was about a hundred copies of the same book behind.
“Yep, they’re selling like hot cakes,” snarked Tony.
“Look, Stark,” said Strange sternly. “You can’t use me or my powers to help save a duck.”
“And people say that I’m a narcissistic asshole,” said Tony.
Then Tony found himself outside Strange’s house.
Strange wasn’t going to help, but Tony knew someone that would.
Wade Wilson laid on his bed smoking a joint out of boredom.
“God, I miss my stoner buddy,” he sighed.
Just then, he got a call on his phone.
It was from Director Nick Fury!
Wade was so happy!
“Sir?” Wade asked into his phone.
“Wilson, we need your help.”
Fury told Wade about Howard’s situation. Wade was in shock.
“Deadpool ready to save his little feathery buddy!” he exclaimed.
“You said you had a friend who could travel back and forward in time,” said Fury.
“Errrrrr…….. About that,” said Wade. “I kept calling him over and over and over, y’know wanting’ to hangout, play PS4, watch Netflix and chill. But he changed his phone number, so I can’t call him.”
There was a long pause on the phone.
“But I will go back and time and save Howard,” said Wade.
“Okay, a car will pick you up at 8.00 tomorrow morning,” said Fury.
So, Wade met up with the Avengers, Sue Storm and Reed Richards outside Stark’s rocket the next day. But to Wade’s dismay, someone else was there……
“You brought him !”
“Hey, bub!” said Logan. “Others with too chickenshit to go back in time. Don’t get in my way.”
They all got into the rocket and it took off into space. One the rocket was in space, Tony used the hyperdrive to get to Cabhru.
They arrived at a lab where a massive time machine was there.
Quill was taking to Howard’s family on Skype (or the space equivalent of that).
Howard’s family were in tears.
“Please find our son,” said Howard’s weeping mother.
“We will,” said Quill. “I promise.”
“Good luck, Guardians,” said Howard’s girlfriend Gloria.
The time machine looked like the one from Stargate. The Guardians joined the Avengers.
Reed Richards and Sue Storm had to be in the lab to make sure nothing went wrong.
“Is everyone ready?” asked Gamora.
“Yes,” answered everyone else.
Gamora put the time capsule into the machine and it activated. A massive green porthole filled up inside the machine.
Deadpool looked at Wolverine.
Wolverine got out his claws and stuck them into Deadpool’s chest. He then dragged the Merc with the Mouth to the porthole and threw him inside.
The others all followed Wolverine into the porthole. Tony had brought a strange red metal briefcase with him.
Then there was a massive flash of light, and the Avengers, the Guardians and Wolverine were gone.
Sue looked into the computer.
“They’ve made it.”
Sure enough, Deadpool, Wolverine, the Avengers and the Guardians had arrived in the same Barbaric town Howard did.
The townspeople were startled. They looked at Gamora and Drax.
“Demons from Hell,” screamed a woman.
Everyone in the town ran for the hills as the town became empty.
Drax then burst out laughing.
“HA! HA! HA! They were so scared of us! HA! HA! HA! HA!”
“Why is that funny?” Natasha asked him.
“HA! HA! HA! I don’t know,” answered Drax not laughing.
“Let’s try the next area,” said Banner.
Our heroes made their way to the city hoping to find answers.
On the Prison of Klyn, Yondu arrived to pick up Galactus, Magneto, Pyro, Sabretooth and Toad.
“Alright, freaks. Rise and Shine,” said the guard as he opened the Mutant cell. As the prisoners walked out of the cell, Youndu secretly put a small gizmo on the wall. And there was a timer which said 4.59.
Yondu then lead the mutants onto his ship.
As it flew away, the prisoners discovered that it wasn’t Yondu at all. He had morphed into Mystique. She had originally disguised herself as one of the citizens of Duckworld, then disguised herself as one of Yondu’s men, then kidnapped one of his men and forced him to fly to the prison.
Mystique then injected Magneto with adrenaline, since his energy was taken away by Rogue on their last battle.
“Thank you, Mystique,” said Magneto.
“Send a course for Earth,” said Galactus. “Head to Hank Pym’s house.”
Mystique pointed her pistol at her kidnapped pilot and he jumped to hyperdrive to Earth.
Back in the prison......
0.05, 0.04, 0.03, 0.02, 0.01, 0.00.....
The prison was no more. Just pieces of metal and prisoners' body parts floating around in space.
Hank Pym was at home watching TV, until there was a knock on the door. He got up and went to answer it. As he opened it, Sabretooth grabbed him and shoved him against the wall.
Magneto walked over to a terrified Hank.
“Mr Pym, be so kindly to give us your discs to make things big and small.”
Hank to them to his lab and he give them about 5 blue discs and 5 red ones.
“Thank you Mr Pym,” said Galactus. “Now we head back to Cabhru.”
“But you have the blue discs, you can grow large and destroy this planet now,” said Magneto.
“No, I want revenge on the duck who did this to me,” replied Galactus.
Back at the lab on Cabhru, Reed and Sue took turns watching the computer studying the gang’s journey into time.
The metal door burst opened scaring the lives out of Reed and Sue. Galactus, Magneto, Mystique, Pyro, Toad and Sabretooth walked in.
“Dr Reed Richards and Susan Storm, pleasure to make you acquaintance,” greeted Magneto.
Galactus told Sue and Reed about his plan to get revenge on Howard, and they told him that he was stuck in Barbaric times.
“Then we shall travel to that time and surprise him,” said Galactus. “And destroy the planet in that time period.”
Reed looked at Magneto.
“You’re going to let him destroy you home planet?”
“Dr Richards,” began Magneto. “I am an outcast and have been all my life. Hated by society for being different. Why? I never meant humanity any harm. I was nice to people, but people hated me. And also, the world is full of racism, crime, bigotry and it’ll never stop. I am tired of Earth and humanity. Toad, watch these two and after we’ve gone into time, destroy the machine.”
“What?” asked Sue.
“We don’t need to come back,” said Magneto. “Adieu.”
Magneto activated the time machine and the porthole appeared. He, Galactus, Sabretooth and Pyro walked in. A flash appeared and they were gone.
Toad looked at Sue and Reed and smiled at them evilly. He looked at the time machine and was ready to destroy it.
“Watch this, I’m gonna destroy this thing with my tongue,” he said.
Toad unleashed his long tongue to pull the wires out of the machine, but Reed made his arm stretch and he grabbed onto Toad’s tongue.
“How’s this for a tongue twister?” he asked as he stretched his other arm and began to wrap Toad’s tongue into a bow.
Toad screamed as he tried to untie his wrapped tongue, but no avail.
Sue and Reed looked at him.
“If we untie your tongue, will you promise to get on a ship and go back to Earth?” asked Sue.
“YETTTHHHH! YETHHHHHH!” screamed Toad.
Reed untied Toad’s tongue and he was free. Then Reed called a Cabhru policeman to take Toad home.
Back in Barbaric times, Howard and Sonja arrived at the city and Sonja lead the duck into the druid’s hut. The citizens looked at them with fear. They all muttered to each other:
“Is that a duck?”
“But it acts human.”
“This is the work of demons.”
An annoyed Howard just gave them all the finger.
“What did it just do with it’s finger?”
“It cursed us!”
The druid faced Sonja.
“Sonja the Red, the woman who went forward in time and came back to tell the tale.”
“Hello, druid,” said Sonja.
The druid looked at Howard with astonishment.
“You are a duck who acts like a human,” he said to Howard.
“Yep, and I’m from the future,” replied Howard.
“Howard is from the year 2017,” explained Sonja. “Do you have the same crystal that sent me forward in time?”
The druid looked at them with despair.
Howard was heartbroken. He knew he was up the creek.
“That crystal is extremely rare,” explained the druid. “But, it can be found, but the task will be dangerous.”
“Try me,” said Sonja, who is no stranger to danger.
“The crystal is on a trophy at the annual fighting tournament,” said the druid.
“I’ve wanted to fight there,” said Sonja who began to smile. “Mr Duck, all we have to do is win the tournament and you’ll be back home again.”
“Okay, what do we have to do in this tournament?” asked Howard.
“You get into an arena and kill your opponent,” replied the druid.
Howard was quiet for a good 30 seconds.
He started to feel woozy. Sonja then looked at the druid.
“In the future, murder is forbidden.”
She then walked over to a delirious Howard.
“I can’t believe in order to get back home, I gotta kill people!” said Howard in panic.
“Howard, how about I just kill and just avoid the opponent’s attacks?” asked Sonja.
Howard shrugs his shoulders.
“Sounds good to me.”