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The Marauders' Guide to Sexual Intercourse

Chapter Text

Good evening. The following is a basic instruction manual for sexual intercourse. Today’s subjects are sad werewolf professor, Remus Lupin, and escaped fugitive and part-time dog, Sirius Black.


“I’m not a professor anymore. And I’m not that sad!” Remus complained as he and Sirius sat naked on the end of a bed, looking around with curiosity.

“I’m… yeah, escaped fugitive and part-time dog is pretty accurate,” Sirius conceded.


Grab your partner in the central region and hold them firmly.


“Skipping foreplay, are we?” Sirius said as he reached over.

“What are you doing?” Remus inquired, as Sirius squeezed at Remus’s belly with a hand.

“They don’t mean my stomach, Padfoot. They mean my cock,” Remus laughed, gesturing at his proud, erect organ.

“Oh,” Sirius said stupidly, instead moving his hand to Remus’s thick shaft, which he gripped firmly with his long, thin fingers.


Now make excited, vertical motions with your hand.


Sirius grinned and began to make odd, upward strokes with his hand on Remus’s cock.

“What the hell are you doing?” Remus chuckled.

“I don’t know. Am I having fun? I’m smiling so I must be,” Sirius laughed.

“I’m certainly not having fun,” Remus said, crossing his arms.


You can increase speed if you like.


Sirius began stroking harder. It felt good in a terrible sort of way, Remus decided. It was not ideal.

“I don’t think I’m likely to come from that, Padfoot. It’s just… odd and uncomfortable,” Remus complained.

“Is it?” Sirius said, still stroking in a hard, jerky manner.

“I’ve just said it is!” Remus said, annoyed.


Now you may like to add your mouth. Simply, place your mouth on and suck.


Sirius, continuing with his unusual strokes, knelt before Remus and placed his mouth around the head of Remus’s cock. He then made a hard, deep suck, almost like Remus’s cock was a straw.

“Ahh!” Remus called out, the sensation once again pleasurable in an unappealing way.

“Ith hat ood?” Sirius asked, his mouth still on Remus’s cock.

“What?” Remus called down.

Sirius removed his mouth and said, “Is that good?”

“No, it is not,” Remus said firmly.


You should make sure to be gentle with the head as that is the most sensitive part.


“Cheers,” Sirius said, pushing his mouth over the head, making Remus yelp.

“Teeth!” Remus screeched.

“What?” Sirius complained, throwing his hands up.


Do mind the teeth.


“No teeth. Check,” Sirius said, sucking up and down Remus’s long, thick shaft this time without any teeth.

“Mmm. That’s the ticket,” Remus said happily.

Sirius pulled his mouth off Remus’s cock with a pop and laughed.

“That’s the ticket?” Sirius cackled, his hand still stroking the shaft as he fell against Remus’s thigh.

“Get it together, Padfoot,” Remus sighed.

“All right. All right. I’ll be more… Sirius,” Sirius guffawed.


The narrator sighs.


“Hey, piss off, mate. I’m just having a laugh!” Sirius barked up at the ceiling.

“Knock it off, Padfoot,” Remus grumbled.

“Fine, fine. Knocking it off so I can get back to sucking it off,” Sirius giggled before putting his mouth back on Remus’s cock.

“There. That’s good. Only way I can shut you up half the time,” Remus grunted.


With your partner silenced… erm… I mean… with your partner now orally focused you may find it nice to stroke the back of his head.


“Yes, I’ll pet him like the dog he is,” Remus snarked.


That’s not really what I meant-


“I know what you meant,” Remus corrected.


The narrator clears their throat.


“Dammit, Sirius. Now the whole world is gonna know how good you are at giving head,” Remus observed.

“Oddy ight ey ill,” Sirius mumbled.


“Bloody right they will,” Sirius clarified.

“Don’t stop sucking, you arsehole,” Remus chuckled.

Sirius shrugged and put his mouth back on Remus’s cock.


Now you may want to switch places. Perhaps, changing positions.


“Wait. Don’t I get to come?” Remus complained.

“You heard the man… woman… person… voice of God? I don’t really know. But you heard them!” Sirius said, removing himself from Remus’s cock entirely and standing up.

“Ahhh. My fucking bollocks hurt,” Remus said, gently massaging them with a hand.

“Toss yourself off then, Moony,” Sirius smirked.

“Bloody wanker,” Remus said as Sirius sat on the end of the bed, stroking himself.

“Too much talking, not enough sucking,” Sirius said, pointing at his cock as Remus knelt before him.

Remus pushed his mouth all the way down Sirius’s shaft, taking him all in.


You’ll want to be careful about triggering your gag reflex.


Remus popped his mouth off Sirius’s cock and said, “I haven’t got one.”




Remus vigorously slurped up and down Sirius’s cock while Sirius nearly howled in pleasure.

“Sorry, Narrator, there’s no way you could improve on- oooo. This,” Sirius moaned.

Remus wrapped his hand around Sirius’s bollocks and pulled them hard, making Sirius grunt.


Do be gentle with the testicles.


“Piss off,” Sirius laughed.


The narrator grumbles.


“Damn, Moony. Keep going like that I’m going to explode. Mmm.”

Remus pulled his mouth off Sirius’s cock. Sirius grunted and looked down at him with loathing.

“You prick,” Sirius breathed.

“Maybe you should just toss yourself off,” Remus winked.


Perhaps it is time to move on to our next activity. For this you’ll be needing lubricant and prophylactics.


“Condoms? We never use condoms!” Sirius complained.

“I think we’re supposed to set a good example,” Remus suggested.

“For whom?” Sirius asked skeptically.

“You know. Them,” Remus said, gesturing with his head away from the bed.

Sirius stared forward.

“I don’t see anything. Actually… that’s eerie. It’s like… nothing exists for us outside of this room. Are we real?” Sirius babbled.

Remus tapped Sirius’s erection with a snicker.

“Glad to see not even an existential crisis can make Sirius Black’s blessed knob go soft,” Remus joked.

Sirius looked at Remus and grinned.

“I’ll always be hard for you, Moony,” Sirius said as Remus leaned up into a slow kiss.


The penetrating partner should place the condom on his penis.


“Which one of us is that?” Sirius asked.


Pick one?


“Can’t we take turns?” Remus suggested.


The narrator sighs.


“Fine. Let’s rock, paper, scissors. Winner tops this time,” Sirius declared.

“All right. Seems fair,” Remus replied.

The two of them tapped their palms twice with their fists then on the third tap Remus formed scissors and Sirius formed paper.

“You always pick paper,” Remus said with a raised eyebrow.

“You always picks scissors,” Sirius winked and they kissed, Sirius’s hand reaching down to fondle Remus’s erection.

Sirius fell back on the bed, Remus collapsing on top of him, grinding their erections together.

“This is really hot, isn’t it?” Sirius whispered in Remus’s ear.

“Being with you always is.”

“No. I mean… being watched. By the Narrator and… them,” Sirius said, gesturing his head at the great unknown beyond the room.

“Hmm. You’re right. Now let’s get you on your knees for a proper show,” Remus growled.


Place the condom on your penis then thoroughly apply lubricant.


“We’re getting there,” Sirius complained.

Remus removed the condom from the wrapper, placed it at the tip of his cock then gradually rolled it down, always finding it difficult to get it over the thickest point of his shaft. He picked up the bottle of lube and dripped a stream of it over his condom covered prick, slicking it up very well.

Remus held the bottle over Sirius’s upturned arse, dripping the fluid directly onto his arsehole.

“Ooo,” Sirius cooed with a shiver.

Remus popped one of Sirius’s arse cheeks then set the lubricant aside.


Now, slowly and gently penetrate the anal cavity.


“Merlin’s arse! You really know how to make it sound bloody clinical,” Sirius complained.

“So irritable. Be a good dog, Padfoot, and take your bone,” Remus said, slapping his cock on Sirius’s arse.

“I will if you’ll stop playing and put it in!” Sirius urged.

Remus sighed and placed the end of his cock on Sirius’s hole. He held the base of his shaft in his hand as he gently rocked the tip in and out.

“Mmmm. Teasing it. You know how hot that makes me,” Sirius breathed.

“Yes,” Remus replied, sliding the head halfway in then pulling it out.

“You can go faster than that,” Sirius insisted.


It is best to take your time, especially if your partner is a bit large.


“Did you hear that, Moony? The Narrator thinks you’ve got a big cock,” Sirius cackled.

“That’s fair,” Remus said, pushing the head of his cock in and out of Sirius’s tight hole with a moan.

“Come on, Moony! I need it,” Sirius begged.

“Mmm. I’m enjoying this, Padfoot. Be patient.”

Sirius grumbled as Remus slowly worked a few more inches inside.


It may feel nice to have pressure against the prostate.


“You don’t say,” Sirius snickered, Remus having over half his shaft inside now.

Remus grabbed the lubricant and dripped more onto his shaft before sliding the length back inside, Sirius moaning. Sirius began to slowly push back in sync with Remus’s thrusts, making the sensation all the better.


Very good. If you are gentle you should avoid harming your partner.


“Merlin. Feels like we’re back at Hogwarts, doesn’t it?” Sirius asked.

“I must’ve been sick the day McGonagall taught the class how to fuck your boyfriend up the arse,” Remus snickered.

“Mmm. That’s a shame,” Sirius grunted.

“What do you suppose the Narrator would say if I really gave your arse a pounding?” Remus said through gritted teeth.

“Only one way to find out,” Sirius said as Remus slapped Sirius’s arse suddenly.

“Ooo,” Sirius called out.

Remus increased the strength of his thrusts, making a pleased chuckle when he heard Sirius moan.


Really, you should be careful. The flesh of the rectum is very delicate.


Sirius let out a long, annoyed groan.

“Shove it, will you? I spent twelve years in Azkaban, I can handle a sodding prick up my arse,” Sirius shouted.

“I’ll say,” Remus said, pounding himself into Sirius.

“Mmmm. That’s great, Moony. Fuck my arse,” Sirius grunted.


You may find it enjoyable to stimulate your own penis while receiving anal sex.


“That’s… no, that’s actually a good point,” Sirius admitted, beginning to stroke himself.

“Fuck, Padfoot. I feel like I’m going to explode,” Remus groaned, loving and hating the way it hurt when his swollen bollocks smacked into Sirius’s.

“Pull my hair, Moony. And Narrator, don’t you dare tell him to be gentle.”


I didn’t say anything!


“Good!” Remus and Sirius said in unison as Remus wrapped his hand around the back of Sirius’s hair and pulled, his cock slamming into his arse.

“Mmm. You’re so bloody tight, Padfoot. I’m gonna… I’m gonna… Umm… Narrator, can I come?” Remus called out to the ceiling.


If you like.


“Cheers, mate. Mmm. Oh yeah. Here it goes. Mmm. Ohhhh fuck!” Remus moaned, feeling pleasure arc with tension then release as his cock spasmed hard.

“Mmm. That’s good, Moony. Come in my arse,” Sirius breathed.

“I wish I wasn’t wearing this stupid bloody condom,” Remus grunted as his cock continued to spurt, the pleasure subsiding as he breathed hard.


Now that you’ve finished your partner is free to finish himself off.


“Sod that. If Moony doesn’t suck me off within the next five seconds I’ll never let him hear the end of it,” Sirius declared.

Remus pulled out, his cock drooping slightly in the condom as Sirius rolled over. Remus’s mouth clamped around Sirius cock and his head bobbed furiously.

“Mmm. Oh shit. Oh Merlin, I love coming in your mouth, Moony. I’m so close,” Sirius whimpered.

Remus pulled on Sirius’s bollocks as he howled, his cock twitching as bitter, salty fluid spilled onto his tongue.

“Oh yes. Don’t leave a drop,” Sirius moaned as he shuddered.

Remus sucked as Sirius cock started to go soft, indeed making sure he didn’t miss a drop.

“The Narrator’s gone quiet? Did you come too?” Sirius called out.


I am still here. Now that you’ve both finished you may find it relaxing to hold each other for a time.


“Yes, we know about cuddling,” Sirius said, Remus removing his mouth from Sirius cock as Sirius laid back.

“I love you,” Remus said, giving Sirius a kiss.

“I love you too,” Sirius echoed, his hands reaching behind Remus, sliding down to his bottom and squeezing.


And this concludes today’s lesson. Tune in next time for-


“Bloody hell, you’re hard again,” Sirius noticed, his hand sliding over Remus’s still condom covered shaft.

“Ready to go again?” Remus grinned.



Umm… Well, this concludes today’s lesson. Next time we’ll explore-


“Mmm. Shall we switch places this time?” Sirius asked.



Well… just make sure to turn out the light when you’re done. Goodnight.