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Things we talk about (but never do)

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They tried to fuck a few times, really. They did try. When the pressure was too strong, when they thought they were going to die, when they were so inebriated they couldn’t keep their hands from each other. They fumbled in dark corners or spare rooms, mouths hungry and breaths mingling heavily while they grind their hips together. Fingers in hair, legs tangled close, they really tried. But every time, they couldn’t go past the barrier of clothes.

When Jyn reached for his belt, Cassian panicked about not being able to last and he slowed down enough to realize he didn’t want to fuck her up against a wall. Another time, it was Jyn who stopped him when his hands crept under her tunic. She was sweaty and dirty and probably smelled like a dead wookie and even if it was pretty clear Cassian didn’t really mind, she felt self-conscious and the idea of fucking Cassian in a shower stall seemed a bit too intimate for her. She had never been naked in front of a sexual partner and even if Cassian was probably the person she trusted the most, she wasn’t ready for that kind of vulnerability. And from his reaction when she suggested a shower, he didn’t seem ready either.

So they stopped trying and slowed things down because what was the point of rushing sex between them? They didn't want that but people around them had a hard time to understand the complexity of their relationship. And they probably didn't really care either because among soldiers, gossip didn't wait for feelings. And even if neither Jyn nor Cassian was for public display of affection, the connexion between them was pretty obvious for anyone with eyes and they may have not been cautious enough with their fumblings the few time it'd happened.

At lunch, some days after one of those aborted attempts, Shara made a comment about Jyn being able to eat nearly any kind of food that obviously could turn into something lewd, especially when sitting at a table full of pilots. But Jyn didn’t mind the innuendo and without missing a beat, she deadpanned, “Sorry, girl, I only eat dead meat that I could put my teeth in without having to hear a scream.”

All the men at the table cringe with more or less subtlety and Shara smirked at the rebuff, “Yeah, but you’ll make an exception for your lovely captain, right?”

Something in her eyes betrayed her but Jyn resisted the urge to turn around. She knew Cassian was right behind her but she pretend she didn’t and with her most disarming smile, she said, “Nope, not even for Cassian.”

“Shame,” Shara answered, “I’ll totally hit that.”

Her grin was a bit too wild when Cassian put his tray next to Jyn with false cluelessness.

“Of course you will, you’re high on maternity hormones, so you’ll get laid with anyone if you hadn’t some respect for your husband.” Jyn enjoyed watching Shara’s grin faltered and added, “And I didn’t say I wouldn’t, just not the way you all suggest.”

She made eye contact with every other pilot at the table but they all suddenly pretended to be fascinated by their meal so Jyn resumed her eating with all due enthusiasm but of course, Cassian had to ask. He was also avoiding her face and concentrated on his food but Jyn knew him enough to know it was just a façade. So she took her time, swallowing loudly and told him lightly, “I munch everything I put in my mouth so I’m nice enough to not suck dick. Not even yours.”

She tried to shrug but Cassian merely blink at her. He nodded and focused on his food and his lack of reaction felt worse than any kind of deception so she needed to add, “I’m not that much into oral sex.”

“Not even on the receiving end of it?”

He was purposely avoiding looking at her and she was grateful because she didn’t know how to respond that without embarrassing herself too much. So he ought to think she didn’t like it either way because with excessive manierism, he told her, “Then I have to agree with Shara and it breaks my heart a little.”

Shara made an offended noise and Jyn eyed him with barely concealed confusion and Cassian added, “It’s shame because I’m totally into that but I respect you aren’t.”

He shrugged it off and Shara snickered before rising up and with her best shit-eating grin, rounded up the pilots to make them leave.

“Let the two lovebirds discuss with some privacy, boys. And after, we’ll get some juicy gossip.”

She didn’t wait up for a response and she was right to do so because Cassian caught Jyn’s hand before she could flip the pilot off.

“Don’t.”

He kept her hand for way longer than necessary and only let go because she needed it to finish her meal. They ate slowly and enjoyed the calm of having the table just for themselves, then when Jyn put her spoon down, Cassian asked, “Is there anything else you’re not into?”

The question nearly made her blush because, suddenly, without anybody else, it was difficult to avoid the intimacy of the subject. It wasn’t a joke anymore and part of her was still self-conscious of her whole sexual experience, or lack of.

“I…”

Cassian continued eating, and he didn’t really look at her but she knew him enough by now to know he was seeing everything. If he thought their conversation was making her uncomfortable, he would change the subject and pretended they never talked about it. But she wanted to. Even if they couldn’t do it right now, they could at least discuss it. To eventually try without any kind of embarrassment.

“I don’t know. Honestly, it’s difficult to say. I don’t like being tied or in the dark but I also prefer not too much light and I don’t mind the idea of… restriction… just…”

This time, she did blush. It was really awkward and she had to check all around the mess, just to be sure no one could hear her. Cassian reached for her hand and kissed her knuckles. The gentleness of such an act was still surprising to her and she was pretty sure her blush deepened.

“It’s okay. I don’t like being tied either and it’s not really my kink to have a totally passive partner.” He nuzzles her fingers and used her hand to hide his smirk but she could feel it anyway.

“I prefer a feisty one.”

She laughed at that and bent over to close the distance between them when she asked in a whisper, “So what’s your kink right now?”

“Now?” He hummed and pretended to think about it so she kicked his boot lightly and he chuckled. “I have to say, talking about oral remind me i’d love to go down on you but since you’re not into…”

“That’s not…!” Jyn’s reaction was surprising, even for her and she felt her neck reddening once more. “I mean… I’ve never…” She avoided his gaze and flexed her fingers around his. “Not with a man.”

“And you really think it’s different when you’re receiving it?”

She shook her head then shrugged.

“I don’t know. I only had once and the woman I was with was not very… patient?”

She shrugged once more. “But if you like it, I could try when…”She trailed off because that was the main problem. When.

His smile was reassuring and he nodded.

“When we’re comfortable enough to do things properly.”

“Without clothes on.”

“And in a bed. Or at least, some kind of room with a lock on the door.”

She smiled too and put her forehead on his shoulder. “Yeah, that would be ideal.” She stayed nestled against him, the time for her heart to slow down and then some more just to enjoy the warmth of his. It was good enough for now and maybe someday, they could try again.