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Assassin's Filk

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Back to Novice

to the tune of "Banned from Argo"


As we went out in search of some hard-earned R&R,

we headed for the Stormy Skies or  any other decent bar,

we had low expectations, and no weird or unusual need,

but they still weren't ready for the Assassins of the Creed.


Ezio's tastes were simple, but his methods were complex,

guards found him with three prostitutes and two thieves of either sex,

and when they tried to lock him up (or at least extort some coin)

he took one look at the two men and invited them to join.


And we're back to Novice, everyone,

back to Novice, just for having a bit of  fun,

we had a jolly evening, that got a little out of hand,

but the Mentor doesn't understand.


Niccolò Machiavelli has won La Volpe's bet

and stolen Leo's sketches of a self-propelling net,

now everytime someone approaches the Headquarters in Rome

a net drops down, engulfs them, and does not want to let go.

And we're back to Novice...


Maria Thorpe is of the Rite and Altaïr is of the Creed

they tried to figure out a truce, she brought wine and he brought weed,

she came back with ripped clothing and a couple bruises more

and a hearty resolution to make love instead of war.

And we're back to Novice...


Desmond is a simple man, and not much given to hijinks,

he got into the liquor stash and mixed increasingly weird drinks,

he had a few of them himself and somehow he lost track

of what was hallucinogen and what aphrodisiac.

And we're back to Novice...


Shaun Hastings is respectable, responsible and staid,

Lucy bet Rebecca a pair of shoes to get him laid,

He came to flirt with Desmond, and he knew just what to do,

to end up with the barman and both of the ladies too.

And we're back to Novice...


Edward Kenway is a pirate, and he likes a pirate's fun,

he found some dodgy seaside tavern and got fall-down drunk on rum,

he came home with fond memories of a lass dressed as a boy

and a painful way of walking from her trusty strap-on toy.

And we're back to Novice...


Haytham is a crafty fox, so cunning and so wise,

he fleeced Starrick and de Sablé at checkers, cards and dice,

Kaniehtí:io didn't play, but she watched him with a smile,

and then she dragged him upstairs after a little while.

And we're back to Novice...


Aveline and Connor had a grand time running free,

they made out on six different roofs, three haystacks and a tree,

a guard patrol took issue, so they knocked out almost all,

and then they were seen making love on the roof of city hall.

And we're back to Novice...


Clay he had a busy night; he won a high-stakes bet

and hacked and set a virus loose into Abstergo's intranet,

now every time someone is stuck in the animus loading screen,

they hear of Vidic's parentage described in terms obscene.

And we're back to Novice...


Shay Cormac is a quiet man, and a Templar tried and true,

he went out with the Morrigan's crew and had a drink or maybe two,

he woke up with a splitting head and swore upon his life

he did not know how he ended up with master Kenway and his wife.

And we're back to Novice...


The Frye twins are inseparable though different as the day and night,

he had a couple pints too much and then went on to start a fight,

she sighed at his stupidity and then joined in to save his ass

although the Blighters won't admit that they go beat up by a lass.

And we're back to Novice...


Young Dorian loves miss De la Serre, Élise she loves him too,

they went for a romantic walk and looked for something fun to do,

by the time we sobered up, the two lovers were long gone,

along with Ezio's apple and Leo's prototype avion.

And we're back to Novice...


Cross and Berg turned up sometime, and nobody seemed to care,

they stomped their way up to the bar and announced that they were there,

we didn't feel like fighting them, so we offered them a drink,

the both of them dropped down dead drunk faster than you would think.

                                (spoken: And then we dropped them in the drink!)

And we're back to Novice...