“For smeg sake Rimmer get up, you've been in bed for three days now!”
Through a thick haze Arnold Rimmer glared up at Lister.
“Wee?” He croaked, which he decided could mean 'smeg off' as well as 'what' and 'why'.
He could see Lister was looking at him the way a professional car mechanic would when restoring a vintage car. The Scouser whistled through his teeth and clicked his tongue.
“I don't believe you have a holo-virus, even for a second.” He said, shaking his head in confusion.
“Waddayatakiaboooooo?” Rimmer droned with difficulty: he knew when he was ill and he was ill; everything hurt, everything was going so slow, his vision was blurred and he was tired, so very tired.
For the last few days he had felt so weak he'd barely been able to move even his arm. He'd just been laying there, feeling as if the life was being drained from him.
“Okay, you do sound rough …” Lister nodded sagely, “but how could you have contacted a virus? We haven't been off this ship in weeks!”
“Dunnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooo” Rimmer bellowed; talking took so much out of him. Every time he spoke his voice was slower, his mouth moved slower and his voice got lower. He was reaching Barry White territory. Why couldn't stupid Lister just let him sleep? Why was that annoying elf snorting like that! Did he think this was funny?
“Wow,” Lister sniggered, “you're sounding like my walkman when the batteries are … Hang on a tick!”
Suddenly Lister dived forward and reached inside Rimmer's chest to grab his lightbee.
“Whaaaaaat …..” Rimmer began, but before he knew what was happening everything went black.
“... the smeg are you doing you gimboid!!” The Hologram finished his sentence when his projection restored in the room. To no-one it seemed.
“Welcome back Rimsy!” A Scouce voice said behind him. He turned round in a flash to find a smirking Lister winking at him, arms crossed over his chest.
Then he realised that he'd just turned round in a flash, then he noticed he was actually standing, moving and talking without pain or difficulty. What had that dwarf been doing to him?
“What? I'm better? I'm fine!! What did you do?” Rimmer stammered in confusion.
Lister cocked his head and smiled that little condescending smile Rimmer hated so much:
“I think you'd find your quality of holo-life would improve if you'd remind me to charge you once in a while, Arn. Holo-virus indeed, you smeghead!”
And with that Dave Lister left the room whistling cheerfully, leaving a stunned Arnold Rimmer questioning everything he knew.