Actions

Work Header

Don't Bring Me Down, Bruce.

Work Text:

1.

BATMAN: OUT OF THE CAPE?

Gotham News Now can now exclusively report that Batman lives with, and is funded by, Bruce Wayne, putting to rest the many questions over the years as to Batman's seemingly endless financial and technological resources. Sources close to Wayne tell GNN that Wayne has never been happier and that Batman's vigilante career is not a source of tension.

When reached for comment, Batman said that Wayne was "just a good friend". Bruce Wayne declined to comment.

 

2.

WAYNE ADOPTS ORPHAN, STOCK RISES

Market Watch: Wayne Enterprises stock rose to new heights today amongst news that CEO Bruce Wayne had adopted a local Gotham orphan named Dick Grayson. Although only Wayne's name appears on the adoption paperwork, Wayne Enterprises has confirmed that Wayne's long-time friend and roommate, Batman, will be providing a mentorship role as well to Grayson. "As you know, my parents are dead," said Wayne and did not comment further. "One parent is great!" said Grayson, on the record. "Extra parents are extra-great!"

 

3.

COMMISH VACATIONING WITH LOCAL BILLIONAIRE: LOVE IN THE AIR?

Police commissioner Barbara Gordon was spotted today on a private beach with playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne. The two appeared quite close, even sharing a grappling hook as they scaled a cliff. Gordon and Wayne have long denied that they're a couple, but pictures don't lie! Are the Gotham Police in bed with Wayne Enterprises? The people deserve to know.

Wayne's son, Dick Grayson, remained in Gotham, supervised by Wayne's roommate, Batman.

 

4.

EXPOSÉ: GOTHAM'S SHOCKING SECRET VACANCY RATE

...The crime rate in Gotham keeps the rents low, but the insurance rates sky high. Perhaps this is why even notorious crime-fighter Batman has been forced to take a roommate. After all, he does not accept pay for his services, and his insurance rates must be immense due to his propensity for violence, so his pursuit of a co-living situation is natural. But what's billionaire Bruce Wayne's excuse? It could only be love, purports famed body-language expert Shelby-Lynn Gale. While no photos exist of Wayne and Batman together, Gale has compared individual photographs and come up with a fascinating theory of their relationship, centered entirely around Batman's inability to pay his insurance bills...

 

5.

ALFRED PENNYWORTH REVEALS HIS FAMILY RECIPE FOR LOBSTER THERMIDOR -- A GUARANTEED HIT WITH KIDS!

Lobster has often featured at Wayne events over the years, but, as Pennyworth tells it, no one in the family appreciates it as much as the Batman does. It's now a comfort food tradition for the family, brought out not just for special occasions, but for any time the family comes together for a meal. "The family leads very busy lives," Pennyworth says. Bruce Wayne's social commitments are legendary, as are Batman's crime-fighting activities, but it's Dick Grayson's schedule that causes the most trouble. "There are so many extra-curricular activities these days," Pennyworth says, long-suffering. Batman leads a largely nocturnal life, which is well-suited to Wayne's social calendar, but neither work well with children's bedtimes or getting them ready for school. "What with everyone coming and going," Pennyworth says, "a lobster night is a special night for us all."

At this point in the interview, Dick Grayson sneaks into the kitchen and surreptitiously heats up a plate of lobster thermidor in a microwave oven. He is followed by Batman doing the same thing. Pennyworth serenely pretends not to notice.