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An Addict With a Pen

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Dear Father,
Firstly, I would like to briefly apologize. I’d like to say sorry, for my terrible absence over the last day, or month or decade or year. As much as my actions seem self-centered and irresponsible, it really wasn’t a conscious move on my take and I would do anything to reverse time to warn you about the event to come. I hope you read this and nod, as I really do not know how to explain my situation any further. It’s very hard to keep yourself in between two realities at once, hopefully you will understand. Please tell the others I apologize as well, I do hope they aren’t angered. I do not know how to make up for the time lost. In total honesty, I’m not sure how to do anything of the ordinary anymore. I feel like a wanderer in my hometown, an invader to my bedroom! I can’t look at the pavement the same way I looked at the grainy sand between my fingers no more than, oh, some time ago; I can’t look at the people strolling along the sides of the streets without wondering how they live, how they live without a touch of what I have been harvesting. Sometimes it really is a pain.
I’m getting side tracked. In Summary of the First segment of what I’ve wanted to discuss with you, I’m terribly sorry for everything I have forgotten and everything I have excused myself from in everyone's life. I apologize for disappearing as if I had fallen to my death, I promise I am very much alive. To be truthful, father, the biggest knot in my stomach is knowing that I haven’t been acting like the man you tried to raise. I know I haven’t been the best of sons, and I don’t say this to mean to apply any type of anger or weight on your shoulders. It is said with complete honesty and brutal despair. It has been my biggest flaw to fly into the other reality in my head, and that is something quite draining.
I must discuss this with you further! Ever since I welcomed myself back to the world I was raised to stay in, My head has been a tornado, with only the space of a linen closet to roam free. The thoughts and memories from the time I was gone are always swirling in between the thoughts I have told myself to think, always linking arms and holding hands. I know I have been told that this type of thinking is bad for my health, but the two might as well be Romeo and Juliet. They’re impossible to separate, father, and It’s driving away my sanity. There must be a way to solidify these thoughts, to freeze them and lock them into a tight prison. There has to be.
I trust you understand enough to keep reading.
I landed in a desert. I’m not sure whether I fell or walked to it or jumped into it, but I haven’t been able to forget the feeling of my feet sinking into the hot grainy pool, of the sun beating down on the top of my head and staring at me directly in the eye in attempt to challenge me. That’s what it was, a desert; Oceans filled to the rim with pure, peachy sand. Nothing but piles of sand everywhere in sight without so much as a drop of life. I don’t know if you know what it feels like to walk in an ocean of mush, to be so hot your eyes begin to sweat, but if you do then you know the desperation that grows around your skin, the pounding longing to lay down on the sand mixed with the pounding fear of being stung by the intense heat. I began to walk, I walked for miles and miles and miles looking for something. My legs ached, My back throbbed and my head screeched, but I couldn’t bare the idea of forfeiting.
I kept moving.
I’m not sure whether time is fluid in that reality, because that Sun never left it’s place on the top of the sky. The bastard followed me everywhere I went, Over every hill I climbed and every pathway I found in hopes that the sun wouldn’t find me. Hours or days or years went by as I performed the same steps over and over again, finding nothing but an endless supply of sand. What I have discovered is the reason I had arrived on that desert was because I had been trusted to find a treasure, something that would change lives forever. No, not just lives, but generations upon generations would be saved from poverty and sadness if only I found the treasure like i was entrusted to do.
You don’t know what it feels like to crash onto your knees, knowing you have failed before you have time to stand back up.
And in that instant, I have never felt more remorse in my life. All of the sand in that desert was compacted and shoved onto me. The heat stung me from inside out, sobs lashed out of my mouth because I knew that there would be no standing back up and trying again. This quest wouldn’t work like that, you see. It was a matter of strength, and my failure meant families will forever be affected by my pettiness, my weakness, my failure as a human being! My intestines dropped and My muscles weakened, I plummeted onto the sand below me before I could grasp the thought that I was falling, and just when I was beginning to accept the thought of sleep was when the treasure revealed itself to me.
It was water. Water! More Water I have ever seen in my life; fresh, clean, drinkable water before my very eyes! I had never noticed the pounding migraine due to dehydration, or the impeccably dry tongue scraping along the sides of my mouth, looking for just one drop of something to revive from, until you see the remedy before your very eyes! It’s difficult to know what the definition of parched truly is until you realize the cracking you’ve been hearing hasn’t only been from your feet hitting the sand but from moving your lips, and that the one thing you have starved your life for has been right with you this entire time!
I didn’t know what to do! Adrenaline coursed through me, despite lacking anything close to energy. Motivation pumped through my veins, I needed to do something! I had been given a second try, and I wasn’t going to give up. I forced the corpses I called muscles to resurrect, and my hands immediately began to desperately grasp onto any of the droplets of water surrounding me. I lurched up and down, trying to catch some of the water into my mouth. I twisted and curled and stretched for the treasure, but everything kept slipping out of my reach.
What I have forgotten to explain earlier, however, is when the sand transformed itself into the water I had been looking for this entire time, The earth the sand was lying on had disappeared with it. This meant we were falling onto whatever was below that piece of Earth.
Desperation began to battle with longing, and I would have cried in this moment if not for the adrenaline speeding through my system. Let me tell you, just the splash of that cool, sweet water on my hands was Extravagant, the feeling of rehabilitation flooded through me whenever a droplet landed onto my crisp, dry tongue. It was enough sensation to make me keep fighting for more of it, enough satisfaction to make me greedy. Before I knew it We had fallen onto another plane of land. The fall could’ve lasted hours or days or months, but once I began to see the water sink down into the new plane of land, my second chance seemed like seconds.
I threw myself at the water. I tossed myself into the liquid, trying to drink as much of it as I could before it sunk down farther. My hands desperately crawled to hold the treasure one more time, to bring back a pint of hope along with me, but I couldn’t hold it. I tried, It was the most I’ve ever tried to do something, but when all the water finally sunk down into the land, all I had left of the precious gold was a little puddle in the palms of my two hands.
I didn’t want to move in fear that any more of the water would spill. All I could do was stare, stare at the beautiful yet expensive prizes sitting in the palms of my hands, and I couldn’t decide whether I really had succeeded or nearly succeeded and failed once more. All I could do was stare.
It took me awhile to realize that I was standing on the edge of a beautiful beach. It took me a longer while to realize that the reason I hadn’t ran into the water yet was out of fear.
I was close enough to the ocean to see the white foam form on the edges of waves, I was close enough to watch the dark, cold sand under me bubble right before it drowned once more. I was face to face with miles of water, likely the same water I had been starving for for days or minutes or hours. I will admit now, a small part of me did want to jump into that ocean, to bathe in the treasures and riches i would’ve convinced myself I won. A part of me also knew that jumping into the waves of that water would mean giving up, it would be to lather in happiness until there wasn’t any other choice but to sacrifice to death.
The truth is that small nag that had been whispering at me to fall into the water was beginning to get louder. It got louder and louder until I became an addict to the ocean breeze that came every there and now, just because perhaps there was a chance that ocean breeze would push me into the crisp ocean in front of me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself, and That was when water spilled onto my feet.
I nearly jumped from the force it had on me. Whatever trance I had been falling into, that small splash of water woke me faster than any other method.
I looked at the once curling foam descend into the dark sand, I looked at the peeling skin surrounding my dry toes. I looked at the little pools of water in the palms of my hand begin to drip away.
My legs sprinted, My lungs inhaled fire and exhaled energy! My body curved and twisted, doing it’s best to run away from the waves of water behind me, fearing that I was going to run and run only to be confronted by the same blasted waves of water. I ran and ran and ran, pouring the little pools onto my skin, lathering the remains of hope I have onto myself in a desperate attempt for strength, for a chance to escape. I held myself as tight as I could as I sprinted from the millenia of demon hiding inside of those waves of water behind me, using the adrenaline to replace my lack of breath and the crazed anxiety to support my throbbing muscles just to get as far away as possible. I didn’t know it was possible for a human to be so desperate, father, I never knew what it felt like to be so scared of something you give up the only thing you’ve wanted before knowing it was the only thing you’ve wanted.
I’ve never fully known what it means to convince yourself you’re okay and away from the biggest threat in your life, and then come back tomorrow to go over the exact same routine. I sprinted until my legs turned into wings, even though they were mush only a couple seconds or days or months ago, I washed myself in the only purity I had left; the little pools of water that really had saved my life. I washed myself and ignored the thought that the water may dry. I continued to run even when my body might as well have been a long gone corpse, even when the incessant desert returned and drowned my feet in grainy sand. I sprinted and I screamed, I just wanted to get away from everything surrounding me. I wanted to get away from the teasing hills of sand and the hot glaring sun that never sleeps and the returning thirst that would bring me to my final breath, I just wanted to come back and to see your face again, to feel the sensation of Fresh, pure water landing on me once again. The reality is, father, even as I was thinking all this and as I was running and falling into the same routine as I was no more than seconds or months or years ago, I could already feel the little pools of water I had so rashly thrown upon myself begin to evaporate. I could already feel my hope disappearing, and in all honesty I really didn’t want to feel that anymore. You don’t know what it feels like to come to the end of a page panting and gasping for reassurance.
I would like to apologize once more, father. I know how dramatic you think I can be with a pen. I hope you read all the way to the end, because I can’t think about you giving up in the middle of this and still bare to send it to you. Maybe one day I’ll manage to bring a bucket when I go back, and something will turn out differently.
Love Always,
Your son