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Memos from SHIELD

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FAO: SHIELD levels 1-5; The Avengers
CC: Agent Coulson, Agent Hill
From: Director Fury
Subject: Easter Party

Dear all,

Just a reminder in advance of Easter this year, that due to the fiasco that was last year’s Easter party (and indeed all party’s we at SHIELD have ever held) there will be no office party.
I repeat, NO OFFICE PARTY. If I see a single agent not in their standard issue uniforms, a single egg, a single bunny, I will shoot first and ask questions later.

You have been warned.
Fury

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FAO: Director Fury
CC: Agent Hill
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Re: Easter Party

Dear Fury,

I couldn’t help but notice you only e-mailed level 1-5 agents about not having an easter party. While I agree that due to the fact level 1-5 agents are generally deemed “Tony Starks minions” (whether due to their own blind idiocy or actual co-operation), and it is prudent to plan ahead for any of their misdeeds. I still feel I should inform you that the Level 7 Agents appear to planning something. Specifically the R&D department heads.

I may or may not have seen a scatter gun designed for the mass deployment of chocolate eggs.

It may or may not have been Starks idea.

His influence may or may not be moving up the rankings.

Much love, Coulson
P.S. are you still sure a Fish Tank would be too much for the Air Bus?

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FAO: Tony Stark
From Director Fury
Subject: -

Dear Mr Stark,

I don’t know what you are planning but I am on to you. I swear to god if I hear the words “Wanna gift? Why don’t you look in my sack and see what I’ve got for you.” One more time on my Hellicarrier I will have you scrubbing the deck with your toothbrush. Besides the obvious sexual harassment element of your continued “pranks”: a) the Easter bunny does not carry a sack b) it is the exact same catch phrase you used over the Christmas holidays. Come up with a new – No wait. Don’t. Just stop.

I am so done with you.
Fury

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FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Fish Tank

YES

Chapter Text

FAO: ALL CONTACTS (SHIELD Level 1-5; SHIELD Level 6-10; The Avengers; Agent Coulson; Agent Hill…)
From: Director Fury
Subject: Bring a Puppy to work day

Dear all,

Just a quick e-mail from your evil overlord here, I wanted to tell you all that next week we will be holding a “Bring your Puppy to work day”. The Hellicarrier is not squishy and cute enough and so you are all required to bring in small fluffy animals. If you do not have a puppy other options include:

- Kittens
- Suitably adorable adult dogs/cats (especially the fluffy white cats, I love those)
- Baby Sloths
- Baby Rabbits
- Baby Ducks
- Baby Pandas
- Lambs
- Baby Monkeys
- Baby owls

Certain animals will not be tolerated. These include:

- Skunks
- Elephants
- Mice and Rats
- Lizards

I know all of the above are very cute, but obviously we cannot have small rodents on board, due to their propensity to get lost in the air shafts. Also, I find lizards offensive because I am a mean old grumpkin.

If you do not have a cute animal to bring in then you can report directly to my office at 8.30am to receive a free animal for the day. This will work on a first come first serve basis, therefore I suggest arriving promptly before all the super SUPER cute ones are gone.

With much love and wishing you every happiness,
Evil overlord Fury

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FAO: ALL CONTACTS (SHIELD Level 1-5; SHIELD Level 6-10; The Avengers; Agent Coulson; Agent Hill…)
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: DO NOT Bring a Puppy to work day

Dear all,

This is DIRECTOR Fury, wanting to correct “my” previous e-mail and remind you DO NOT BRING A PUPPY TO WORK. NOR ANY OTHER ANIMAL MENTIONED IN THE PREVIOUS E-MAIL, NOR INDEED ANY ANIMAL.

No Agent Wilson, there is no loophole. Yes Agent Romanov, Clint is allowed, as he, despite having “Hawk” in his code-name, is not actually an animal, despite how many times you call him your “ickle baby bird”.

The culprit behind the e-mail (MR STARK!) will be found and punished. Those harbouring said culprit will also be punished. Even you Banner. We all know Stark hides out in your chemicals cupboard to avoid being caught.

On a side note: Mr President, I must extend my sincerest apologies for clogging up your inbox with this nonsense.

With very little love and wishing you next to no happiness (apart from to you Mr President),
DIRECTOR Fury

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FAO: ALL CONTACTS (SHIELD Level 1-5; SHIELD Level 6-10; The Avengers; Agent Coulson; Agent Hill…)
From: Director Fury
Subject: Competition time! BIG PRIZES!

Dear all,

Another message from your loving boss! Just to announce my new “CATCH THE EYE PATCH!” Competition!
You will need all your cunning to win this one folks! It will involve ALL agents and anyone else who wants to join in (that’s why I emailed ALL of you), and the aim is very simple:

Come get my eye patch!

I actively encourage you all to mob me in the halls, perform stealth offensives on me when I am at my most vulnerable (i.e. in the shower, on the toilet, watching Glee…) and generally pester, annoy and attack me at all hours of the day! Once you have the eye patch report to Mr Stark for your prize!

May the odds be ever in your favour!
Magical Girl Fury

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FAO: ALL CONTACTS (SHIELD Level 1-5; SHIELD Level 6-10; The Avengers; Agent Coulson; Agent Hill…)
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: Catch the eye patch competition

Do I really need to explain that last e-mail was a fake?

In other news, I would like to announce an actual competition: CATCH THE STARK!

The aim: bring Tony Stark to me, dead or alive. Reward will be a big promotion and a posting of your choice for one year. GO.

Also: A note to all the Field Agents (levels 1-10) who keep e-mailing me asking “Does bring a puppy to work day extend to us? Isn’t that against health and safety?” The answer is NO, it does not extend to you, because YES it is against health and safety oh and BRING A PUPPY TO WORK DAY IS NOT HAPPENING.

Once again Mr President, my apologies.

Fury out.

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FAO: ALL CONTACTS (SHIELD Level 1-5; SHIELD Level 6-10; The Avengers; Agent Coulson; Agent Hill…)
From: Director Fury
Subject: Guess what…

I AM A BIG POOP BUM!

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FAO: Tony Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: I will end you

HOW ARE YOU EVEN DOING THAT????

I’ve changed my password around 16 times in the last hour and I have my best computer techs working my personal computers firewalls. HOW ARE YOU STILL HACKING MY EMAIL?

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FAO: Director Fury
From: Tony Stark
Subject: RE: I will end you

You may have your best working on it, but you don’t have me.

Haha.

Chapter Text

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: The iron squirrel flies tonight

My dearest darling Bruce,

I have created the formula.

We must meet to discuss further.

The old disused lab on the 11th floor in 10 minutes

All my love.

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: The iron squirrel flies tonight

Tony, seriously, what the fuck?

A) I am not your dearest darling
B) It’s the recipe for a grilled cheese sandwich. It’s not super-duper top secret weapons tech. We don’t need code words.

Oh and the lab on the 11th floor is not old and disused. That’s where the Biochem lot work.

Why can’t we just… oh I don’t know… TALK? You know, like normal people, because would you look at that, we’re sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER AND WILL YOU PLEASE GET SOME DAMN WORK DONE ALREADY!?

p.s. what does “the iron squirrel flies tonight” even mean?

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FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: The iron squirrel flies tonight

Bruce darling, you turn into a big ball of green rage when you’re hungry. Wanna grab some lunch? Try out the new recipe. I lessened the hard cheese content and increased the soft cheese content to maximise meltage. Also: preliminary research suggests the addition of tomato increases tastiness by 23%.

P.S. It means the plan is going down tonight

P.P.S If you find this sandwich as delicious as I do I want a written apology for your mean behaviour.

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: A formal apology

Dear Dr (x7) Stark,

I would like to formally apologise for my rude behaviour in previous e-mails and indeed, for my rude behaviour in real life. It appears I was wrong, and that using government funds to create the ultimate grilled cheese really was the best use of your time.

I would like to further add that the grilled cheese was actually the best grilled cheese sandwich I have ever eaten. Nay, it was the best piece of food I have eaten, period. Perhaps even the greatest piece of food to have ever been consumed by anyone ever.

I hope this e-mail satisfies you and makes up for my behaviour.

Yours sincerely,
Dr Bruce Banner

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FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: A formal apology

Dear Dr Banner,

It makes up for it some-what. However, coming over tonight for dinner with me and pep would doubly make up for it. Bring wine.

<3 stark

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: RE: A formal apology

I will not be dragged into your date nights with pepper again tony! I swear to god. You are her boyfriend it is your duty to wine her and dine her and generally talk to her. You cannot fob her off on me because you want to spend extra time in the lab!!!

And you have wine! Tonnes of it!!!!

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FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: A formal apology

THEN WTF DO I DO FOR DATE NIGHT?? I thought inviting you would cover for the fact I completely forgot to plan anything because I was too busy eating cheese.

Your are legitimately the worst friend ever.

Chapter Text

FAO: Agent Barton; Agent Romanov; Captain Rogers; Thor Odinson
From: Tony Stark
Subject: Date Night

Hey guys,

I need date night ideas. STAT. I have like… 5 hours to organise a date for me and Pep.

CHEEEERS

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Date Night

Tony,

Hire dancing bears or some shit to entertain you while you have dinner. It’ll be super awesome.

OH! and if one of the bears goes crazy and tries to maul her you can be the hero and rescue her. Totally romantic.

Clint :D

P.S. don’t send out e-mails entitled “date night”. I got all flustered and excited only to be disappointed. You big tease. :D

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Date Night

Stark stop sending me crap. I have work.

Sincerely,

Agent Romanov

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: RE: Date Night

DEAR STARK,

ON ASGARD WHEN WE WISH TO WOO A FEMALE WE SEND THEM MANY GIFTS AND ASK THEIR FATHER’S PERMISSION TO BEGIN COURTSHIP.

IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS MAY I SUGGEST A NIGHT OF STAR GAZING WHILST SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE WORLD OVER LOOKING THE ABYSS BELOW. TIS MOST ROMANTIC.

FAILING THAT I HEAR THE LEGO MOVIE IS ON AT YOUR MIDGARDIAN PICTURE HOUSE. IT IS MEANT TO BE VERY AMUSING.

KIND REGARDS

THOR ODINSON

PRINCE OF ASGARD AND GOD OF THUNDER

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Date Night

Dear Tony,

I have thought about what you could do for Pepper on date night. It seems to me, that given her interests, an evening at a gallery opening would be nice. However, there aren’t any on tonight. But I do know of a little gallery with a new exhibition that opened up a couple of weeks ago that Pepper was dying to see. It might be nice if you booked it out for just the two of you? So you get to spend some time alone, but also get to go out. Then maybe book a table for dinner? I heard she really loved that Thai place you took her to last month. I’ll be up to the lab to give you the details of the gallery.

Hope I was of service,

Steve

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FAO: Agent Romanov, Agent Barton, Captain Rogers, Thor Odinson
CC: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Date Night suggestions

Dear all,

It appears I have found my date, courtesy of STEVE. Thank you to the rest of you for your interesting suggestions.

Apart from Natasha who is a mean kill joy and Bruce whose fault it is that I had to e-mail you all.

Love to all

TSx

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FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: My snuggley spider

I love you even if you are a kill joy.

Ickle baby bird xxxx :D

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FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Anyone could see

Please do not use our pet names on any form of communication device that can be hacked.

Agent Romanov

P.S. do you have to end every e-mail with a :D ?

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD Level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Volunteers needed

Dear Minions,

I require your assistance, so for the sake of science, drop what you are doing immediately.

The first 20 people to my lab in Stark tower win the opportunity to join in with a very special study I am undertaking with Agent Romanov. We promise there’s a possibility you won’t have any negative side effects.

Much love,

T. Stark xo

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FAO: SHIELD Level 1-5
From: Director Fury
Subject: Do not listen to Stark

Dear Level 1-5 Agents,

While I appreciate your love for The Avengers, particularly the charismatic Mr Stark and the highly skilled assassin Agent Romanov (who you should all aspire to be like when it comes to field work), I would like to inform you that you work for me and not them.

Oh and that Mr Stark is a complete ass and Agent Romanov is as sadistic as they come, so please stay away. SHIELD will not be covering any medical bills from injuries sustained while doing the completely idiotic shit they tell you to do.

Regards,

Director Fury

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FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Do not listen to stark

That’s Dr Stark to you.

And it’s not stupid. It’s science. We collected data and everything!

Tx

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FAO: SHIELD Level 1-5
From: Director Fury
Subject: I told you so

Dear Level 1-5 Agents,

The 20 agents currently in a coma in the hellicarrier ICU would suggest to me that some of you did not heed my previous e-mail. I would like you to know, that while we will be treating these poor fallen agents, the money it costs to do so will be coming out of their pay.

I hear Dr Banner is mixing up a very special, highly potent nanobot antibody as I type. It should cost less than $2 million. If we’re lucky. Now what’s that divided by 20? Sorry I don’t have my calculator.

I hope you all enjoy your day,

Director Fury

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FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Heeeeey sugar

It’s $100000, and surely your computer has a calculator? If not, I can hack it and install one for you.

Tx

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: What the hell were you thinking?

Dear Avengers,

I would like to remind you that you are an elite fighting force under the pay roll of the United States of America Government. Please start acting like it.

If I EVER wake up and turn on my TV to see your 6 stupid faces plastered all over the news for acts of drunken debauchery in public again I will find you and crush you all. Apart from you Thor, but you may find your diplomatic immunity permanently misplaced.

Regards,

A very angry Fury

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FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: We weren’t

You missed a trick. You should have signed off “Director Furious”.

Tx

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FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Ummm…

Guys,

Does anyone actually remember what happened last night? I woke up on top of a shelving unit in Walmart. In handcuffs. Again.

Clint :#

P.S. that’s meant to be an “I’m so hung-over I’m about to throw up face”

P.P.S. On way home now

P.P.P.S. I did throw up

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FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanoff
Subject: RE: Ummm…

Clint,

While it appears Police were involved last night. Those handcuffs are mine.

Please return them and yourself to me.

Nat

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FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Morning after

Dear All,

I think you should check of the news channels if you have any blank spots from last night. Still trying to re-construct what we actually did, as it appears along the way we picked up a Goat. He’s currently in my lab and appears to have eaten some DNA samples. So be careful.

We may or may not have inadvertently created a super soldier hulk goat…

Wishing you all a quick recovery,

Bruce

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FAO: The Avengers
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: HAHAHA

YOU MORTALS ARE ALL SO PATHETIC AND TINY. YOU THINK YOUR MEAGRE MIDGARDIAN BEVERAGES HAVE AN AFFECT ON THE MIGHTY THOR???

ALSO, DR BANNER IF YOU SHOULD REQUIRE HELP SUBDUING THE BEAST, DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL FOR ME.

MUCH LOVE,

THOR ODINSON

PRINCE OF ASGARD AND GOD OF THUNDER

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FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Night Out

Dear Fellow Avengers,

Yes, I did agree we needed a night out to blow off some steam. THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.

I am so mad at you all, especially you Tony. We are meant to be role models for young children! Some role models, being spread all over the news for defacing public property and being arrested!

I can’t believe how atrociously you all behaved last night,

Captain Rogers

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FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: I BLAME YOU EXCLUSIVELY

Oh go cry on the American flag, you patriotic tool.

Tx

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: I BLAME YOU EXCLUSIVELY

Don’t blame me for your hang over, you ass.

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FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: We need to get fighting fit

Dear all,

While I am utterly ashamed of you all, I have made you all pancakes. I suggest you all crawl here in whatever states of hung over you are as fast as your poor alcohol soaked bodies can manage. Thor is already here and I am nearly out of batter.

Love,

Steve

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FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: At home. In Bathroom.

Tash,

Can’t move. Bring pancakes.

Clint :(

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FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: At home. In Bathroom.

I’ll be through in 5.

You light weight dork.

Much love,

The liver of a Russian

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: You are all morons

Dear Avengers,

First off I would like you to congratulate you on your latest triumph over evil and to say I hope you keep up the good work in the future.

Secondly I would like to remind you any celebration involving daring Thor and Hulk to have a “Smash Off” is not a good idea. Nor is it a good idea to dare Thor or Hulk to do anything.

Many thanks,

Director Fury

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FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: I hate you all

Dear Avengers,

Just because I said you couldn’t “dare” Thor or Hulk does not mean you should dare other members of the team, other members of other teams or any SHIELD agent to have a “smash off”.

And also just because I said “dare” does not mean you are allowed to bribe them with cookies, pop tarts or any other thing you might try to bribe them with.

Getting seriously annoyed with you all,

Director Fury

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FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Congratulations!

Dear Avengers,

Looks like you went and made Director Fury into Director Furious. It turns out “Subtly suggesting” a Smash-Off wasn’t allowed either.

Agent Barton I suggest you either run for the hills or come up with a damn good excuse.

And yes Stark. I made the Furious joke. I monitor all e-mails sent to/from/regarding The Avengers.

May peace and happiness fill your day,

Coulson

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FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Agent Hill
Subject: Agent Barton

Coulson,

Why is Clint hiding under my desk? He said you sent him.

Regards,

Agent Maria Hill

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 1-6, Dr Stark
CC: Agent Coulson, Director Fury
From: Agent Hill
Subject: Gift Bundles

Dear all,

This is a general memo adressing the gift bundles that Mr Stark sent to the Level 1-5 agents.

While I am sure that the level 1-5 agents are very greatful for their gift bundles, it is entirely unfair to send presents to half the staff at SHIELD and not the rest. Not to sound like level 6-10 agents are jealous per say, it’s just that we have very stressful jobs and it would be nice if our hard work was recognised too.

Sincerely,

Agent Hill

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FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 1-6, Dr Stark
CC: Agent Hill, Director Fury
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: RE: Gift Bundles

Dear all,

As an addendum to Agent Hills previous e-mail, yes it is lovely to receive gift bundles in recognition for your hard work. But, the usual time for gift giving is during the seasonal period of December and as such there will be no official gift bundles being sent by SHIELD at this time.

Also, while Mr Stark is an Avenger, he is hired by SHIELD on a contractual basis and therefore accepting gifts off of him is entirely unethical and looks to outsiders as a form of bribery. As such, if the level 1-5 agents could please return their gift bundles to their superior officers so they can be returned to Mr Stark, we would be much obliged.

Thank you in advance for your co-operation,

Agent Coulson

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FAO: Agent Coulson, Agent Hill, Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: YOU ALL SUCK

DEAR GOD IT’S DR STARK! NOT MR!!!!

Sincerely,

DOCTOR STARK HOLDER OF MANY MORE PHDs THAN ALL OF YOU COMBINED

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FAO: Dr Stark
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: Gift Bundles

Dear Dr Stark,

While the candy canes at christmas and roses and chocolates on Valentine’s were much appreciated, this latest gift bundle is a step too for.

Reason one, it is not a holiday period.

Reason two, you only gave them to half the staff, creating low moral in level 6-10 agents, they are refusing to work until they get gift bundles too.

Reason three, framed photos of your genitalia and knock-off captain america porn are not suitable gifts for a work place environment.

For theses reasons SHIELD employees will no longer be allowed to accept gifts from you. Be aware if you do offer them gifts you will be putting their job on the line.

Grow the fuck up,

Director Fury

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FAO: Dr Stark
CC: Agent Coulson, Director Fury
From: Agent Hill
Subject: Please stop!

Dr Stark,

The level 6-10 agents would like to thank you for their latest gifts. But we were wondering when they would actually stop arriving?

So for we have each received a gift bundle similar to those the level 1-5 agents received, but in addition to that we have each received; Thor themed underwear (gender unspecific), multi-coloured eye patches, the rest of the collection of knock-off Avengers porn, framed pictures of the rest of your nude body, a wheel of edam, a puzzle book, a tazer and enough flowers to completely swamp the level 9 offices.

In fact we actually have so many flowers it’s inducing hay fever in people who previously have never suffered from hay fever.

We were just wondering if you could maybe stop sending them?

Cheers,

Agent Hill

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FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Viva La Revolution

Dear Minions,

In an attempt to placate your evil supervisors after I sent you gifts, I decided to send them gifts. But it appears they are still unsatisfied. No amount of love, flowers, my nude selfies and cheese can appease them.

Rise now my pretties! Rise now! Attack your masters and claim dominionship over SHIELD!

Tx

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FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, Agent Coulson, Agent Hill, The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: Attempted AIM Take Over

Dear all,

I would like to formally apologise for any insult my collegues and I may have caused to Dr Stark in our e-mails this morning. It appears that the copious amount of flowers the level 6-10 agents received were actually genetically engineered by AIM to secrete a noxious chemical that would knock them out. Also, it has been found that the chocolates delivered to the level 1-5 agents contained a substance that would induce increased aggressive behaviour in those that consumed it.

As such, we have reviewed our gift giving/receiving policy and Dr Stark is allowed to give gifts to SHIELD staff as long as:

- He gives gifts to all staff members, no special treatment
- Those gifts pass our new rigourous “Gift Security” tests

I would also like to thank The Avengers for arriving to the hellicarrier so promptly and calming the situation down. Once again apologies to any members of staff that encountered The Hulk.

Thank you all for getting back to work so quickly,

Director Fury

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FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, Agent Coulson, Agent Hill, Director Fury, The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Attempted AIM Take Over

Dear all,

Just to add I am ashamed you all for thinking I would ever give you gift bundles that were so tacky.

Also, I can’t believe you all thought that those were genuinely my nude selfies. My genitalia would not fit into a frame that small and I am far more ripped than that other photo gave credit for. Please see www.nudestark.com for further evidence of this.

And another thing, over half of you have slept with me! Was I really that forgettable?

Thank you all,

Tx

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FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Coulson,

Can you contact IT and ask them if there’s a way I can:

a) Mass delete e-mails Stark sends
b) Shut down his website of nude selfies
c) FIND SOME BRAIN BLEACH BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME THINGS A PERSON DOES NOT WANT TO SEE AND THEY ARE ALL ON THAT WEBSITE!

Regards,

Director Fury

P.S. HE'S SLEPT WITH OVER HALF OF MY AGENTS!?

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: Field Reports

Dear all,

I would like to address the new wave of idiocy that seems to be sweeping across the lower (and some parts of the upper) levels of this prestigious organisation.

It is not, and will never be okay to put “For the vine!” as a justification for anything you do while working in the field.

You are not comedy geniuses and we have a public image to keep up and I will not have it ruined by your stupidity.

Thank you,

Director Fury

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FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Wreck your reports

Minions,

You know what you must do.

Tx

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FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: You fucking idiots

Dear all,

I would like to clarify; anything you put down on your report forms must actually be what happened during the events that you are reporting. Also, you must be able justify actions that you took during any missions, preferably referencing “The Official SHIELD Field Guide” manuals.

For example: I shot the bad guy, utilizing TOSFG VII’s tactical manoeuvre 23.1 iv.a, because he was trying to kill me and fellow agents.

NOT: I shot the bad guy:

- For the vine
- Because Tony Stark made me do it
- Because I wanted to be on Agents of Shield
- Because I thought it would look cool
- Because I was dared to
- Because I wanted to see what Clint would do. (Agent Romanov!!!)
- Because I am a Warrior of Asgard! (aimed at Thor, STOP telling agents they are warriors!)
- Because I am the Chosen One! (Agent Wilson!)
- FOR SCIENCE!
- For future generations, think of the children!
- Because I wanted to see what Natasha would do. (BARTON!)
- Because I had made this new weapon thingy and I wanted to try it out and it turns out it may not quite have been ready yet. Oops. (Stark and the Science dept. in general)

Or any other idiotic reason you may conceive and especially not: Because I was high and there were Dragons.

As a side note to the main point of this e-mail, anyone caught with illicit substances will be fired and then arrested and handed over to the police.

Thank you,

Director Fury

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FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuceeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy

I can’t believe “For science!” is not a valid justification for your actions.

Fury is a goon. We should utilize him in an experiment.

Ily.

Tx

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FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Name calling is for children

I can read your e-mails stark.

Please don’t make me notify Fury of your actions.

Regards,

Agent Coulson

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FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers, Agent Hill
CC: Director Fury
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Tony Stark is a living legend

Dear all,

Just a memo to remind you all that we will be holding a knight hood ceremony for Dr Stark this Friday at 11am on the deck of the Hellicarrier. It is mandatory to attend, formal wear required.

I will be wearing a hula skirt and Fury will be dressed as Princess Peach.

BYOB,

Agent Cool-son

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FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: can’t read my, can’t read my poker face

And I can hack yours.

Please don’t make me make this a regular thing.

Regards,

Tony Stark

P.S. I downloaded you Cap porn. Enjoy. :D

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Director Fury
Subject: Harassment

Dear all,

It appears spring has sprung and we here at SHIELD have leapt right on up to a new level of stupid.

I understand that to all agents here at SHIELD, The Avengers are a beacon of hope. An elite team who, on numerous occasions have saved the world from terrors we previously never knew existed. They are the best of us. Highly skilled, highly intelligent and people we all aspire to be like.

In spite of this, it is not okay to harass them when they come to visit senior staff members for meetings etc.

You are also not allowed to stalk them and take photos of them when they are on their down time.

Also, would you please dismantle the Captain America shrine in the northern corner of the Cafeteria near the check outs? It makes Captain Rogers very uncomfortable during his visits and I have been informed by Agent Coulson that there were some very revealing images of Captain Rogers in the shower, framed, at the base of the shrine. Agent Coulson had the good sense to remove these by the way, before we end up with a herd of you storming the cafeteria in an attempt to see the images.

Regards,

Director Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: U GAIIIIIIIIIIS

Minions,

You guys crack me UP! You have a Cap Shrine?

Tx

P.S. Why don’t you have a shrine of me?

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Director Fury
Subject: Further harassment

Dear all,

It would seem that my previous e-mail was listened to and I am glad to see the shrine has been taken down. Although there is still a used sock pinned to the wall. I am not sure if this is because the sock actually belongs to Captain Rogers and is awaiting his collection or because no-one wants to touch it.

But, despite the shrines removal it appears that Captain Rogers is still being harassed. I was told today by Agent Coulson that it is the new “trend” to prank the Captain. The latest prank being repeated attempts to stick small signs on his back that depict a small orange fish with the caption “I’m gonna touch the butt”.

As I stated in previous e-mails harassment of any kind will not be tolerated here at SHIELD. Especially sexual harassment, therefore I have informed the Human Resources department to arrange a series of seminars for you all.

I hope you enjoy,

Director Fury

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Director Fury
Subject: I don’t even know anymore

Dear all,

SHIELD is, as you may have guessed, an American funded and run organisation. That means it is considered bad taste to deface the American flag while on SHIELD property. It not only reflects badly on the Agents, but the Agency as a whole and it means that Captain Rogers will be seen moping around for the next week with his “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” face on.

It also means that we will have to put up with a week of aggressive e-mails from Coulson and week of Coulson fawning over and generally trying to cheer up Captain Rogers. It will probably also end in some 1940’s themed party, and we all know how Coulson’s last attempt at a 40’s themed dance ended. (For those of you that don’t Steve cried, which made Coulson cry, which made me very angry and I swear to god Stark if the footage of those two weeping together ever surfaces again I will personally bitch slap you so hard all 42 of your Iron suits will feel it)

Kind regards,

Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Flag Incident

Dear all,

I am personally offended by your use of the American flag. I don’t know what you were doing but Mr Stark’s protests of “They were only crying in it because their patriotism moved them to tears” do not fly with me.

It is clear to Agent Hill, Director Fury and myself that Mr Stark is a bad influence on you all and as such interactions between him and any level 1-5 agent are now banned.

Thank you,

Agent Coulson

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Flag Incident

Dear Coulson,

You wanna know why there were agents balling over the flag in the foyer? I showed them a picture of Cap rescuing a basket of kittens from a house fire.

It’s amazing the effect that guy has on people. Am I right???

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: RE: RE: Flag Incident

OMG STARK!!! DO NOT REFER TO CAPTAIN AMERICA AS “THAT GUY”. HE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE AND YOU SHOULD LEARN TO RESPECT HIM.

HE IS A MASTER TACTICIAN, AN EXCELLENT FIGHTER, A GENUINELY NICE GUY AND HE HAS PERFECT HAIR.

LEAVE HIM ALONE.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: RE: RE: Flag Incident

Just wanted to ask is there any way I can get a copy of the Kitten picture?

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Flag Incident

A national treasure, eh? Be careful Nic Cage doesn’t try and steal him. Imagine the tears that would be shed over that.

Tx

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Captain Rogers

Minions,

It appears to me that Captain Rogers is the epitome of what it means to be American and we must cherish him as tightly and as fervently as we cherish our American morals (not an innuendo).

Due to this fact, my fellow avengers and I have come up with a single rule to ensure his safety:

He is not allowed near cold things.

These include but are not limited to: freezers, ice cubes, popsicles, air conditioning, the movie “Frozen”, the movie “Titanic” and me.

Ok I kid the last ones a joke. I am cool, but not in the physical sense.

That is all. I hope you adhere to this rule.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: RE: Captain Rogers

Dear god, Stark you are so insensitive. Being frozen for 70 years was a very traumatic experience for Steve.

I am reporting you!

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Captain Rogers

I forwarded your e-mail about the Cap photo to Fury.

Looks like someone is in troooooooooooooooubleeeeee!!!

Tx

P.S. nice to know you’ve been keeping track of my e-mails.

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: PARTAAAAAAAAAAY

Minions,

Dr Banner and I will be attending a meeting with the heads of the SHIELD science department at the New York headquarters this morning. After the meeting we will be taking a look round your labs (break out some toys please guys) and generally have a chat with the science department agents.

This afternoon we will be heading to the sports hall on a mission to spread the word of science to all agents and we have some fun things planned for you all…

Hope to see you guys there.

Tx

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Team Building

Dear Agents,

As you may be aware Dr Stark and I will be visiting SHIELD HQ on a mission to help integrate Agents of the Science and Technology Branch with agents from Tactical and other SHIELD branches. We aim to do this with a series of fun team build exercises that challenge agents from each field to broaden their horizons and interact with agents from other areas.

These events will take place in the ground floor sports hall at 1pm after lunch has finished.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Banner

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Director Fury
Subject: This is not a day off

Dear all,

Please take these team building exercises seriously.

Do not fuck around.

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
CC: Agent Coulson
From: Agent Hill
Subject: They’ve gone wild

Dear Director Fury,

I wanted you to hear this from me before you found out through the news (or Starks Twitter).

It appears the SHIELD approved “Team Building exercises” have been abandoned and that Stark (and presumably banner) have agents building a gigantic pillow fort.

I did attempt to question one of the agents near the hall door but the reply I received was “FOR SCIENCE!” The agent in question was a Tactical Agent. I think they’ve gone insane.

I would have attempted further investigation but that would have required me to crawl through a blanketed maze.

I don’t know what to do. This is nothing we ever trained for.

Regards,

Agent Hill

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: Avengers Assemble!

Avengers,

I need you at SHIELD HQ; I have an unauthorised blanket fort being built on SHIELD property. It requires immediate demolition.

I need all of you on this,

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Uh about that…

Dude,

We’re already here.

Don’t you follow Starks twitter? Check out the group selfie!!!

Clint :D

P.S. Me and Natasha are sharing a blanket nest. SCORE.

---

FAO: SHIELD level 6-10
From: Director Fury
Subject: Is anyone out there?

Dear Level 6-10 Agents,

I am sure by now you are all aware of what has happened in the Sports hall. If any of you are left and haven’t joined in the madness, I need all hands on deck to sort this mess out.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Pillow Town, Fort Fluffy, The Republic of Blanketeria

Dear all,

I would like to warn you all that after the events of today you are all skating on very thin ice, no offence Captain Rogers.

The ONLY person I would like to thank is Agent Coulson for his quick thinking and also, because he was the only agent NOT to have joined in building the fort (which by last count had taken over the first 12 floors of SHIELD HQ).

If something like this ever happens again, the culprits will be severely punished.

Regards,

Fury

Chapter Text

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Briefing attendance

Dear Dr Banner,

Just a quick e-mail to ask why you were not at the briefing meeting this morning. Your absence was noted in the minutes but for completeness could I please have a reason?

Thank you,

Agent Coulson

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: Briefing attendance

Dear Agent Coulson,

I wasn’t at the briefing because meetings make me angry.

Regards,

Dr Banner

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: RE: RE: Briefing attendance

Dear Dr Banner,

I understand and you have my full apologies. I shall notify Fury and have him exempt you from future meetings.

Regards,

Agent Coulson

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: See

Tony,

Told you I could do it.

BBx

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: See

Jealous!

What else can you get away with?

Tx

---

FAO: Ms Potts
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Lab equipment

Dear Ms Potts,

I have reached an impasse with my research and I require some new lab equipment. I just wanted to ok them with you before purchase. While I need all my usual monthly supplies, I also need two new spectrophotometers, a new electron microscope, a couple of new PCR machines and small particle collider similar to the one Tony built at your Malibu residence.

I hope you can find the funds for the above equipment. I’ve been getting so angry over this research.

Much love,

Dr Banner

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Ms Potts
Subject: RE: Lab equipment

Bruce,

Sure thing, sweetie!

Cheers for cooking dinner for me and tony the other night by the way. It was delicious!

Lots of love,

Pepper

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: LOL

Well?

BBx

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: LOL

OMFG! How do you do that???? Does it work in real life too?

Tx

P.S. You are an evil man >:)

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: RE: LOL

Yeah, and I don’t even need to speak. Wait, I’ll show you. Meet me in the Living Room.

BBx

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: HAHA

Dear Bruce,

I cannot believe you. The sweet and innocent Bruce Banner just forced Captain America and The Norse God of Thunder to go to the shops to buy him cotton candy.

And people say I have no morals.

You are a genius.

Tx

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD Level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Fun fun fun!

Minions,

I am holding a games day in the NY HQ’s sports hall today. And by games I mean board games.

A monopoly tournament.

With real cash (so bring money).

Against me.

I’ve made a human size monopoly board that you have to walk round. It’s gonna pretty much take up all of the hall. Clint helped me paint it. He will also be acting as “Banker” for the duration of the game.

Love you all,

Tx

---

FAO: SHIELD Level 1-5
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Monopoly

Tony’s minions,

I would like to apologise to you all for the money you lost today.

As recompense Tony is going to buy you all Pizza tomorrow for Lunch, so stay at your desks! The food is coming to you!

Also, he would apologise himself but he’s online shopping for yachts at the moment.

Peace , love and copious amounts of ice cream,

Agent Barton

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: What were you thinking

Dear Avengers,

Just a reminder it is inappropriate to use up the valuable time of SHIELD agents by playing board games.

It is even worse if those board games involve actual money. And yet worse still if you end up taking all that money away from the agents.

As I have stated numerous times we are government funded and funding cuts have hit us all and you have taken what little money they had away from them.

I expect you will pay them all back. Immediately.

Fury out

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: You played monopoly without me

Clint,

I am ashamed of you.

But I’d be even more ashamed if you didn’t get a cut.

Regards,

Natasha

----

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: I’ll invite you next time

Oh I did. I bought some new toys. ;)

Clint ----> (it’s an arrow!!)

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: You are a 5 year old

Dear Clint,

I think we mean different things when we say “toys”.

Next time do not lure me into the bedroom on the pretence of “trying out our new toys” for me to find out that by “toys” you mean actual toys.

I do not want to play Scalextrics with you. I want to have sex.

But alas, you will be sleeping on your own for the foreseeable future. And I will be playing with my “toys”.

You are an idiot,

Natasha

---

FAO: SHIELD Level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Money money money!

Minions,

As well as buying you lunch tomorrow, I have decided in my infinite wisdom to give you all your money back.

It did not have anything to do with Cap’s disappointed face.

Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist,

Tony Stark

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Extra Training

Dear Agents,

Just to let you know I will be holding a special class for tactical agents in Self Defence this evening. It begins at 6pm. I should imagine it won’t last longer than a couple of hours but it depends on how good you are.

The first clue to the location of the class can be found in the cafeteria.

I hope some of you make it,

Agent Romanov

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Tonight

Clint,

Have you made preparations?

Natasha

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Tonight

Natasha,

Plan is good to go. Everything is in place. Awaiting orders.

Clint

---

FAO: Agent Romanov, Agent Barton
From: Director Fury
Subject: “Extra Training”

Agents Romanov and Barton,

We here at SHIELD pride ourselves on the collegiate, collaborative and supportive relationships that exist between Agents across all levels of our organisation. Despite frequent clashes with some of the galaxies most powerful super-villains SHIELD frequently tops work place happiness surveys.

I would appreciate it if you didn’t fuck that up with whatever shit you are about to pull.

Regards,

Fury

Your boss and the man that can fire you

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Oh Please

What is he even on about? Everyone knows we only top those because of Thor’s arms and Cap’s ass.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Oh Please

What about my arms? :(
And your ass. :)

---

FAO: Agent Romanov, Agent Barton
From: Director Fury
Subject: I warned you

Agents Romanov and Barton,

You know I said about not fucking up our Agents and their workplace morale? Well you went right on ahead and ignored that didn’t you!?

All costs for the repairs of that shipping yard are coming out of your pay, as are the Agents medical bills. And dear god, if you ever pull shit like this again do not use live ammunition and real explosives.

I can’t believe you two,

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: I warned you

Dear Director Fury,

With all due respect, I would suggest that staff morale has never been higher. The level 1-5 agents were ecstatic to have the opportunity to work with real avengers on a tactical op and they happily grouped together to follow our clues to the shipping yard.

The exercise utilized all of the skills they learnt while they were in training and they really banded together over the course of the evening. Especially when they ran out of ammo and Clint had them pinned down under heavy fire and then I flanked them for a surprise attack. They really tried their hardest and I feel they really did themselves proud out there.

Regards,

Agent Romanov

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: RE: I warned you

Romanov,

I swear to god I will demote you if you ever pull shit like this again.

Fury

Chapter Text

FAO: Thor Odinson
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Hammer usage

Dear Mr Odinson,

While I understand there must have been quite a culture shock for you coming to Earth for the first time and that you are eager to try out earthly past times in a bid to try to fit into our culture better, may I suggest you leave the hammer at home?

Bowling is a popular hobby, and obviously having super strength I should imagine it quite easy to make (numerous) holes in (various) walls of the bowling alley when taking your turn. However, your mistake could easily have been rectified by offering to pay for the damages, changing lanes and altering your throwing technique. At no point did you have to undertake the repairs yourself, especially not using Mjölnir.

Also, please be advised, while Tony Stark is undoubtedly and engineering genius, when he says “A good whack with a hammer can fix anything.” He does not mean it literally. In fact it is best to take most things he says “with a pinch of salt”.

Sincerely,

Agent Coulson

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: RE: Hammer usage

SON OF COUL,

I MEANT NO DISRESPECT TO YOU, NOR THE OWNER OF THE BOWLING ESTABLISHMENT, WHEN I OFFERED TO HELP REPAIR THE DAMAGES I HAD DONE. I UNDERSTAND FULLY THAT MR STARK WAS WRONG, BUT AT THE TIME I WAS VERY UPSET THAT I HAD CAUSED DAMAGE TO THE ALLEY.

AS AN AVENGER I SEE IT AS MY DUTY TO SET AN EXAMPLE FOR SMALL MIDGARDIANS AND SO I OFFERED TO CORRECT MY MISTAKE. IN A CONTINUATION OF THIS, ONCE I SAW HITTING THE WALLS WITH MJOLNIR WAS NOT DOING ANY GOOD I TRANSPORTED TO ASGARD TO FETCH SOME CURRENCY TO PAY FOR THE REPAIRS.

THE BOWLING ALLEYS OWNER ASSURED ME 3 BARS OF GOLD, 5 OXEN AND AN “AUTOGRAPH” WERE SUFFICIENT PAYMENT.

I HOPE THIS CONCLUDES MATTERS, ALTHOUGH I AM NOT SURE WHERE THE SALT COMES IN TO IT.

REGARDS,

THOR ODINSON

PRINCE OF ASGARD AND GOD OF THUNDER

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Technology lessons

Stark,

For the love of god can you please teach Thor how to turn caps lock off.

Oh and Hill just messaged. Can you please run through how to use a computer properly with Captain Rogers again. He tried to use the disc draw as a cup holder.

Regards,

Agent Coulson

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Technology lessons

Coulson,

You do know they both do that stuff deliberately right? Like, Thor is a god from an alternate dimension that utilizes Einstein-Rosen bridges for travel on a daily basis, and their every-day medical tech involves quantum field generators. As for Steve, the guy is a master tactician, he picked up how to work my Stark screens within about 5 minutes and he can fly a Quin Jet. If he is “having issues” it’s probably because SHIELD tech is awful and you should feel ashamed that you give your top quality agents such awful computers to work with.

The only machine they genuinely have trouble working is the coffee machine. I’m pretty sure neither of them actually knows how to change a filter.

Tx

Chapter Text

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: ANSWER YOUR PHONE

Hey Coulson,

We all just came back from lunch and we’re trapped in the lift. Can you PLEASE get someone from engineering or whatever to come and help us?

Power is out, so no JARVIS. Limited signal and Wi-Fi. You are our only hope.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: ANSWER YOUR PHONE

Hello,

This is the out of office message from Agent Coulson.

If you are receiving this it means that Agent Coulson is not able to answer your e-mail at this time.

He will endeavour to reply to you as soon as possible on Monday when he returns.

Thank you.

---

FAO: Agent Hill
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Help

Agent Hill,

We’re trapped in the avengers tower lift. Need help.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Hill
Subject: RE: Help

Stark,

You’re an engineer. You fix it.

And be quick about it. We have an incident that may require avenger’s attention.

Agent Hill

---

FAO: Agent Hill
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Help

Ok no. that’s fine, really. I’ll just fix it using the spanner that obviously carry round with me at all times even when going out to lunch. That’s cool.

Cheers.

Thanks for nothing.

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: HELP!

Minions,

Avengers are currently strapped in the avengers tower lift. We need someone to come get us.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Hill
Subject: WE ARE BUSY

Stop harassing my agents!!

---

FAO: Agent Hill
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: It’s ok

Dear Agent Hill

It looks like Natasha and Clint are going for help. Ignore Stark’s e-mails, we’ll be with you when we can.

Regards,

Captain Rogers

---

FAO: Agent Barton, Agent Romanov
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Umm…

Guys,

Where are you? You’ve been gone for nearly an hour…

Bruce

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Umm…

Bruce,

Kind of busy. New York under robot attack by Dr Doom. Got side tracked. Tower under attack.

Natasha

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: RE: Umm…

Nat,

Yeah we can hear the tower is under attack. Thor just blasted his way out of the lift with Mjolnir.

Now it's just Tony, Cap and Me.

The lift is making strange noises. I think the wires may be about to break.

Bruce

P.S. if you have time to type you have time to come rescue us. Tx

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Umm…

Ok will send help.

Less sass Stark.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: You’re an ass

Tony,

Great that your suits now come to you and everything and I’m sure you’re now out in the city and busy fighting etc. But if you have a spare moment can you please return for Dr Banner and myself?

Thank you,

Steve

---

FAO: All Contacts (Dr Stark, Dr Banner, Thor Odinson, Agent Romanov, Agent Barton…)
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: hapl

Trying to type one hndeed. Dangling from wires. Tangled. Upside down.

Bruce hilkd ot.

Sned hlp.

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, Agent Hill
From: Director Fury
Subject: -

Dear Agents,

Next time the avengers send an e-mail for help DON’T IGNORE IT.

Especially if they are stuck in a lift and the city is under an attack and we need them. HOW GOD DAMN STUPID ARE YOU????

I am so mad right now.

Fury

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Sorry to leave you hanging

Dear Steve,

I would like to apologise for my behaviour in the lift. I understand I left you in a very precarious position around about 70 floors up. I imagine it wasn’t very pleasant.

Sorry again!

Bruce

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Agent Barton
Subject: HELP!

Dear Agents,

The Avengers require your assistance.

We’ve run out of Pizza rolls. Please send more.

Agent Barton

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: SUSTENANCE REQUIRED

AGENTS,

INDEED THE MESSAGE AGENT BARTON SENDS IS TRUE. WE HAVE TRULY RUN OUT OF THE SMALL ROLLS OF PIZZA.

ALSO IF YOU COULD SEND MORE CHICKEN NUGGETS AND POP TARTS WE WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT.

REGARDS,

THOR ODINSON

PRINCE OF ASGARD AND GOD OF THUNDER

---

FAO: Agent Barton, Thor Odinson
From: Director Fury
Subject: What.

That is not the kind of help I had in mind.

Assholes,

Fury

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Intern week

Dear all,

As part of our new public image programme we have decided that we will allow people an insight into the lives of The Avengers. The aim of this exercise is to re-enforce the public’s confidence in the group and to lessen SHIELDs hard image.

We will be holding a competition to select 6 young people (age 18-25) to become your “interns” for one week. This will all be filmed and then made into a TV show of 6 episodes, one episode each.

I trust you will act accordingly and not make a fool out of yourselves or this prestigious organisation.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Intern week

Dear Director Fury,

I greatly look forward to having an intern shadowing me for a week. This really sounds like a great idea. I was just wondering who plans what we will do for the week? Do I need to come up with an itinerary of activities for my intern? Or is it just business as usual?

Regards,

Captain Rogers

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Intern week

BRB LAUGHING!!!! HAHAHA!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Clint Barton
Subject: NAAAAAAAAAT!

Nat,

OMFG. Have you heard? We’re getting interns! HA. Say hello to a week of no work!

Boom baby!

Clint :D

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: NAAAAAAAAAT!

Clint,

You know the whole point of this is that we do actually show them the work we do, right?

Nat

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: NAAAAAAAAAT!

Well duh, yeah, we show them the work we do, so they can do it for us! What’s the point of having an intern if you still have to do the work yourself?

---
FAO: Dr Foster
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: INTERNS

DEAREST JANE,

IT SEEMS I SHALL SOON BE AQCUIRING AN INTERN. I WAS LOOKING FOR SOME ADVICE. HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DOES ONE WATER ONES INTERN? WHAT DO I FEED IT? SHOULD I PREPARE A LITTER TRAY?

REGARDS,

YOUR BELOVED THOR

---

FAO: Thor Odinson
From: Dr Foster
Subject: RE: INTERNS

Thor,

I think you’re mixing up plants and cats again. Interns are people, and like most people they’ll pretty much sort themselves out for food etc.

Also, do you have to type in all caps? It’s kind of hard to read.

Much love,

Jane

P.S. I heard about this intern TV show, it sounds great! Looking forward to your ep. :)

---

FAO: Dr Foster
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: RE: RE: INTERNS

DEAREST JANE,

YES. I LIKE ALL CAPS. IT’S LIKE SHOUTING THROUGH TEXT AND IT DOTH AMUSE ME.

MUCH LOVE,

THOR

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Intern week

Fury,

So yeah. I finally stopped laughing. Do you seriously think this is going to work? 6 teenagers following a bunch of superheroes round for a week? What if something happens? Like aliens? Are they gonna follow us into fights as well?

I mean I need to know. Should I be making mine a suit?

Tx

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: Intern week

Dear Director Fury,

I have some serious concerns about this “Intern week”. I don’t see how a man with my “condition” is safe for a young individual to be around.

Also, I do a lot of important research for SHIELD and this could be a real set back. A lot of it involves quite complex science and having someone who has no knowledge of science in my lab will be a real hindrance.

As an aside to my own queries, overall I think the idea could be quite dangerous. We are, as a group, fairly dangerous individuals, and we fight super villains on a regular basis. It just seems a bit stupid to involve children in that.

Regards,

Dr Banner

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: RE: Intern week

Banner,

You really think the competition to find the interns was real? It’s all rigged. We’ve already selected the individuals and Coulson has vetted them. I think they all suit you as individuals quite well. There should be some interesting footage.

Oh, and you have a science undergraduate. So they can help with your work.

Regards,

Fury

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Inside the avengers

Dear All,

Just a reminder filming for “Inside The Avengers” begins this week. The Avengers may be touring the Helicarrier and NY HQ at various stages this week and you are all required to maintain a professional air throughout proceedings.

Anyone who steps out line will be flogged. Taken to Cuba, sold into slavery and god willing, will be flogged some more.

Yes that was a quote from a movie. Agents Hill, Coulson and I had a movie night last night. It was very enjoyable.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Inside the avengers

Could you have fitted anymore innuendo into that title?

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Interns

Ok, having cameras on me all the time is weird enough but having an intern is creepy. She keeps following me round staring at me with a weird grin on her face. She doesn’t even talk.

What’s even going on? All we’ve been doing so far is paperwork. Can’t really see this show being a hit.

Going for sparring practice, anyone else coming?

Nat

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Interns

Nat,

Already training. Turns out mine does archery! Pretty freaking sweet. We’re going for ice cream later, after I’ve showed it my comic book collection and it’s done my paper work.

Clint

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: Interns

Clint,

Don’t call your intern an “it”. That’s rude.

Nat

P.S. mine tried to kiss me. I suppose I could work this into some kind of espionage training?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Interns

Or I could just shoot her?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Interns – needed alive and in one piece

No shooting interns!

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Interns

Fury chose well. Mine is a biotechnology undergrad. Very sweet. And she makes good tea.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: PEW PEW MUTHA FUCKAS

I think my episode will just be exploding things. I made mine her own suit and we’re just blowing things up. I take back everything I said. Intern week is amazing.

Can we have a film night sometime this week? I feel in the mood for some zombies.

Tx

P.S. Bruce, I have an idea. We must science.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain America
Subject: This is odd

I’m unsure about my intern. I thought she might be able to help me with modern tech or whatever but she doesn’t know how to use the coffee machine either. And I think she just broke the washing machine.

Also did you guys hear? Thor’s taken his to Asgard for a couple of days. This is crazy.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: REALLY?

Cap,

Oh god. Do I need to buy ANOTHER washing machine? Tell me, was it really your intern or was it just you?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Mr Fizzles says Steve is a LIAR

Stark,

It was Cap. His intern is currently battling Clint’s on the PlayStation in the living room. We never made it to sparring practice. Though apparently we’re all going for ice cream later.

Nat

---

FAO: Dr Banner, Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: “Science”

Stark, Banner,

A little film crew told me you were using your interns for experiments.

This is not ok.

You haven’t filled in the correct ethics applications for human testing.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: Dr Banner, Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: HUNGRY!

Guys,

Hurry up. We’re all waiting for you to finish you’re “science” so we can go get ice cream!!

They’re having an “eat a gallon, get a gallon free!” offer!!!

Clint *_* (excited for ice cream face)

---

FAO: The Avengers, SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 1-6
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Inside the avengers

Dear all,

I would like to announce that, following certain incidents at a certain ice cream bar a few hours ago, that filming for “Inside The Avengers” is no longer happening.

4 out of 6 of the Interns chosen to work with The Avengers are now in hospital, while there injuries are serious they are not life threatening. The 5th intern is still MIA; I would appreciate it if surveillance staff would get on to finding her ASAP. Her parents are very worried. The 6th Intern is still in Asgard, we can only assume that she’s safe.

As for the “incident”, we can only hope that certain Avengers learn that explosive ammunition and dairy products do not mix, and that other Avengers learn that they should not encourage others to do idiotic things because they would “look really cool on TV”.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: lol

Stark,

Just one question, did you get the video of the ice cream statue of Fury exploding?

Barton

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: OMFG

Wait, scratch that last e-mail. I just went to log in to the SHIELD secure server. You certainly spread that round quickly.

:D

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: Video footage

Stark,

I would kindly request that you remove that video from the SHIELD servers immediately, but that would require a certain amount of control on my part, so instead I am going to demand aggressively that you remove that video from the SHIELD servers immediately.

Note: If I ever see that video again I will castrate you.

Fury

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Missing Arachnid

Dear all,

I have good news and bad news:

Bad news: My female red-back spider Fifi escaped a few days ago. So please be on the lookout. She is dangerous so if you see a spider with a red stripe on its back please call me immediately.

Good news: I sent Clint to check the air vents for her.

Bad news: That was 4 days ago when I found out she was missing. So please also keep an eye out for Clint.

Many thanks,

Natasha

P.S. I will be round later with some anti-venom jabs for you to keep. Can’t be too careful!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Missing Arachnid

Nat,

How on earth is any of that good news?

I’m gonna start a scan of the Tower for Barton. Chances are if he’s been gone that long he found the spider and got bit.

Also, I would like to announce that I’m going to be living in my suit from now on.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: Missing Arachnid

Ok, just make sure you check for spiders first!

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Fifi is deadly

Dear all,

I forgot to mention, you should all check shoes etc. before putting them on just in case Fifi is in there.

Also, Fifi was heavily pregnant when she escaped and has probably laid her egg sacs by now. So you should also look out for little white sacs hanging in corners/covered areas.

Cheers,

Natasha

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: YAY! Deadly spiders on the loose!

This day just keeps on getting better.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Found him!

Nat,

I found Clint, floor 54, north-west corner of the air vents.

Scans suggest he’s still alive.

Are you going in after him or would you like me to send in one of my robots to retrieve him?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: VERY IMPORTANT

TONY!

No! Don’t send in any robots! If Fifi is in there she’s probably made herself a nice web by now and I don’t want you ruining it. I’ll go in and get Clint.

I knew testing out all my poisons on him would come in handy one day. He’s obviously built up some kind of resistance to spider bites…

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: VERY IMPORTANT

You really sound too gleeful.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: VERY IMPORTANT

Why shouldn’t I be? You found Fifi!

And Clint.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Fifi is found!

Dear all,

Fifi is back in her Faunarium and has been fed and watered. Poor baby was half starved in the air vents. Also, I have successful gathered up her egg sacs without damaging them. I will not be hatching these in the Tower. Due to some very loud protests from a certain iron brained buffoon. However, you can all keep the anti-venom I gave you all. Just in case of emergency.

Clint is fine.

Regards,

Natasha

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Pets

Dear all,

After recent events, I would like to propose a no dangerous animals/pets rule for the tower.

Just a suggestion,

Steve

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Pets

Motion seconded

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Pets

Motion passed

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Pets

I hate you all.

I guess Fifi will be living on the Hellicarrier from now on...

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: Science

Dear all,

There seems to be an awful lot of “drunk science” going on lately.

I don’t know why, and I don’t know why you thought you’d get away with it, but I’m going to have to ask you to desist immediately.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Project Mega Science

It’s here.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Super-duper Top secret things

Meet me in the lab. Right now.

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Super epic mega science stuff

Just as well I’m already sitting next to you or I’d have been late.

What do you think?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: It’s perfect

We should try it on… :D

---

FAO: Dr Stark, Dr Banner
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: What are you even trying to achieve here

Dr’s Stark and Banner,

While your “double headed science man” is very amusing and you obviously put in a lot of effort to find a double sized lab coat you could both wear, the joke is getting old. Please stop.

Also, you aren’t fooling anyone. We all know you’re two separate people and that you weren’t magically fused in a science experiment gone wrong.

Coulson

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: What, just what.

Dr Banner,

Just to check you definitely were not fused to Dr Stark in a science experiment gone wrong?

Coulson

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Double headed science. Obv.

Coulson,

As one of the double headed science man’s heads, I would like to say I can see my other heads e-mails.

You didn’t think that through really did you?

And the answer is yes. We have been fused together.

Now behold as we evolve into “DOUBLE HEADED SCIENCE IRON MAN”!!!!!

Tx

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: I don’t even know anymore

Director Fury,

It appears Stark has created a two person Iron suit.

I am at a loss.

I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Regards,

Coulson

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Get rid of it

Do whatever is necessary to stop that thing flying round New York.

It’s bad enough those two have inspired the tech department into drunk science Wednesdays and becoming double headed science people.

I will not have them infecting the general population with their idiocy.

Fury

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: STOP

Coulson,

When I said “anything” it was a very loose “anything” meaning “anything within reason” not “anything including getting Agent Barton to shoot them out of the sky so they land on Grand Central Station and destroy half of it”.

Repairs are coming out of your wages.

They would be coming out of Barton’s as well, but he is currently working for free as his wages are still going towards paying for the crater created after last year’s SHIELD Thanks giving Soiree.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: :(

Bruce,

It’s ok. Don’t cry. They just don’t understand our genius.

Tx

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Dress Down Friday

Dear all,

It appears you managed to go for an entire month without seriously fucking too much up.

Therefore, as per my e-mail a month ago, you have earned the privilege of a “Dress down Friday”.

Congratulations! I hope your hard work and productivity continues. But remember this is a privilege and not a right. It can be taken away again at any-time.

Abuse of the system will not be tolerated,

Director Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: FANCY DRESS FRIDAYS!!

Title says it all. I want your best people.

Winner gets a kiss,

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: FANCY DRESS FRIDAYS!!

Tony,

I don’t think this is a good idea. Fury did say abuse of the system wouldn’t be tolerated. Perhaps leave the minions alone and let them have their dress down Fridays?

Regards,

Steve

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: As ever, you do amuse

Minions,

You make excellent Minions. Though due to the fact all of your costumes are identical it would be mean to pronounce a winner.

But you can all have a bag of maltesers, because you are all special to me.

Tx

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: They’re all dressed identically…

Coulson,

Is Denim suddenly back in fashion? Why is everyone in dungarees and goggles?

Was this Stark?

Fury

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Behave

Agent Barton,

Would you please stop jumping on agents in the middle of the corridor yelling “I am the night!” and then running away.

It’s not funny and if you’re going to do stealth attacks at least utilize your training and use smoke bombs or something.

Coulson

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Hill
Subject: Fury’s not happy

Agent Barton,

Please disregard Coulson’s last e-mail.

Do not utilize smoke bombs when attacking other agents. Leave them alone or your dress down Friday privilege will be revoked.

Regards,

Agent Hill

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: I said Fancy Dress

Tash,

What are even dressed as? You’re in your own clothes.

Boooooo.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: I said Fancy Dress

Tony,

I’m dressed as a high ranking agent of a top government agency, who is also an internationally renowned super spy with kick-ass ass-kicking skills who is fluent in 10 different languages and has killed more men than you have ever meet.

I thought it was a pretty good costume.

Nat

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: PUT SOME PANTS ON

Stark,

What on earth have you come as?

Put some clothes on. It’s inappropriate to be naked in the work place. Also the Health and Safety people have e-mailing me all day. I’m sure you understand given the work you do it is not safe to be naked.

Coulson
---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: PUT SOME PANTS ON

Coulson,

I’ve come as a Greco-Roman god.

Easy with the figure I have. ;)

Tx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Well done!

Dear all,

Pretty decent show with regards to costumes, apart from Natasha.

Clint, your batman is awesome, well done for staying in character all day. Bruce your impression of me is admirable, but obviously cannot compare to the original. Thor, while you get an A+ for effort and accuracy, I think you possibly fail due to the insensitivity of dressing as The Hulk…

Steve. Where do I begin. You have thrown yourself whole heartedly into this dress up day and believe me it has paid off. I hereby pronounce Captain Bunny Rabbit the winner of this Friday’s Fancy Dress.

You’re so cute. I just wanna squeeze your tail and boop your nose.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Well done!

Yay! Glad you liked the costume. It’s family friendly fun like this that I really enjoy, as it’s something we can all do without feeling uncomfortable.

So much better than strip poker nights.

Steve

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: I should’ve known this would happen

Dear all,

You have all hereby had your dress down Friday privilege revoked.

While I appreciate the effort you all put into your costumes, apart from Agent Romanov and Stark, it is mainly due to the fact that The Avengers were seen descending from the Hellicarrier to rescue a besieged New York whilst in Fancy Dress.

You are all on call 24/7 and therefore must be ready to defend earth no matter the time. New Yorkers do not want to see they are being defended by a Batman knock-off, a streaky green hulk and what I can only assume was an attempt at the Easter Bunny? It does not inspire any confidence in you, or in this agency.

Furthermore, it does not exactly strike fear into the hearts of our enemies when we engage them in combat.

Agent Romanov as always was dressed impeccably. Dr Banner this is not aimed at you as you were “dressed appropriately” when Hulked out.

As always, I suppose this is mainly aimed at Dr Stark. While it’s bad enough that we’ve had to put up with your nakedness all day, it’s even worse to watch half your armour be blasted off while fighting bad guys only to reveal you are still naked…

On the plus side I’m pretty sure that’s part of the reason that they all retreated so quickly.

Save the Fancy Dress for Halloween,

Fury

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Coulson
Subject: Sexual Harassment

Dear Dr Stark,

I have enrolled you in a months’ worth of sexual harassment seminars.

It is not OK to chase your team mates around stark tower naked trying to kiss them. No matter how much of a “prize” you may deem this to be, you need to realise not everyone finds you as attractive as you do.

Regards,

Agent Coulson

Chapter Text

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: Continued Sexual Harassment

Dear Mr Stark,

When arguing with Captain Rogers and he exclaims “Blow me!” he is merely using 1930’s/40’s slang, he is not asking you to perform an act of fellatio. To suggest so is rude, crude and extremely in-appropriate in a work place environment.

As you are already attending the seminars in sexual harassment, I have also enrolled you in SHIELDs new “American History” seminars, which will cover the evolution of American English and the evolution of American slang.

The seminar is at 6am every morning and attendance is compulsory.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Continued Sexual Harassment

Fury,

What happens if I don’t attend? Do I have to go to SHIELDs “attendance” seminars? When are they? 5am?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: My wrath knows no bounds

Stark,

No, if you don’t attend I make you clean the deck of the hellicarrier with a toothbrush.

A toothbrush that has only one bristle.

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: My wrath knows no bounds

Well that puts a dampener on things. How many seminars do I have to attend?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: Would you stop e-mailing me please

As many as Captain Rogers feels is necessary.

Also, please field any other questions to agent hill. I am about to meet with the President and the Prime Minister of Britain.

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Would you stop e-mailing me please

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

Steve is teaching these seminars?

Oh dear god

---

FAO: Dr Stark, Agent Barton
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: American History Seminars

Dear Tony and Clint,

I have purchased you both a set of American History text books. You should find them in your quarters. Our first session begins tomorrow and I require that you do a little reading in preparation.

Your homework is to read chapters 1-5 of “American History Volume I: Founding Fathers”.

Best wishes,

Steve

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: OH SNAP!

Clint,

You’re in the seminars too? What did you do?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: SEMINAR BUDDIES!

Well, you weren’t at the briefing and so wouldn’t know, but Steve turned up half way through. Something or other to do with helping old ladies cross the road like the girl scout he is.

I may or may not have passed comment saying he was almost as late joining the meeting as he was joining in the Second World War.

Apparently such comments are deemed inappropriate.

lol.

Clint

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Pickles

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my pickles go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Agent Barton

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: PICKLES!!

No but seriously guys, someone ate my pickles. I expect new ones to be bought.

Clint :/

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: GOD DAMN YOU!

OK THAT’S IT! SERIIOUSLY, FIRST YOU EAT THEM AND NOW YOU LEAVE THE EMPTY JAR IN MY ROOM?

THIS MEANS WAR.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Assistance Required

Nat,

Do you have that forensics kit still? Can I borrow it for a bit? I have some detective work to do.

Clint xxx

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Assistance Required

Yes I do have it, if you want it, come and claim it.

But seriously, you’re doing this for pickles?

Nat xxx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: Assistance Required

You know food is very important to me. :D

Cheers for the gear.

ILY

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: EVIDENCE!

Dear all,

Just to keep you updated on my investigations.

I have found a single print on the Pickle jar. I have now taken one thing from all of you to cross reference the prints.

You slipped up buddy. I will find you.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Hey…

You do realise SHIELD has all our prints on file, right?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Hey…

I just thought it would be more dramatic this way…

Plus how can I trust the computers? You might have hacked them and changed your prints to cover up your crime.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Hey…

Over a jar of pickles? Really?

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: No Evidence… :(

Dear all,

It turns out the print was mine.

But don’t think this is the end. I will find you.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Pickles

Dear Clint,

Sorry, I just checked my e-mails.

It was me. I ate them. Sorry!! I was really REALLY hungry after hulking out and they were the first thing available to me. I just grabbed them, I have been meaning to buy more but I’ve been kind of bogged down in the lab!

I’ve just placed an online order though. I bought a few jars, they should be here tomorrow morning.

Apologies,

Bruce

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Picklegate

Panic over.

The pickle thief has been found and in my generosity I have seen fit to pardon him of his crimes.

Dr Bruce Banner, I forgive you.

Regards,

Clint

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Picklegate

Great!

Can we all get back to work now please?

You were all due at sparring practice an hour ago. While agent Barton’s excuse is tenuous, no-one actually has any reason to have missed it.

Sincerely,

Captain Rogers

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Guys

Ok whoever the hell keeps drop calling me please stop. I’m working.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Guys

Nat,

Why do you assume it was one of us? That’s mean.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: Guys

Cos you’re all idiots. Now leave me alone!

I am undercover trying to get very important information off a very dangerous group of people.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: SERIOUSLY

Ok I am serious stop. I am currently hiding in a god damn toilet tracking the number.

When I found out who it is I will end you.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: I swear to god

Well, well… Now there are two numbers phoning me.

Clint you forgot to turn your caller identity off.

How on Earth are you even a spy, you damn ass.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Agent n00b-ton

HAHAHA!

Super-duper Special Top Secret Agent Barton at work ladies and gentlemen!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Missed Call

Nat,

I wasn’t drop calling you! I was asking what you wanted for dinner.

I assume you’ll be done and back by then?

Clint :)

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Missed Call

Well I would be if people stopped harassing me!

And Pasta Arrabiata, with a large bottle of white wine.

Nat xxx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: I have the culprit!

Nat,

It was Stark, using Banner’s phone.

I tazed him for you. He’s currently tied up on the sofa waiting for you.

I am currently in the supermarket getting things for dinner. How do you feel about a sauvignon blanc?

Clint xxx

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: I have the culprit!

Would it have been anyone else?

As long as it’s over 10% proof I don’t care. Get a couple of bottles. Oh, and something very naughty and very chocolatey for dessert.

I’m taking it you’re paying with Starks card?

Nat xxx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: I have the culprit!

Is there any other way to pay?

Now you head out there bust your moves and knock ‘em dead. In the metaphorical sense, although if they give you shit, then in the literal sense.

Make me proud and hurry back, sweetie!

IBB xxx

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Work time is for WORK

Dear all,

After previous e-mails stating that the playing of Galaga was banned during work hours, I would like to extend the ban to Flappy Bird.

There have been a series of “incidents” with various computers and between various agents and I would like to clarify that the next person seen playing this game will be severely reprimanded.

The game is pure evil. Stay away from it.

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Your e-mails distract me from WORK

Ohh you play it don’t you.

What’s your high score?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: As if you do any work

I am not telling you, stark. Get back to work.

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: I am so busy rn

You haven’t got passed level one have you?

Haaaaa.

I just got a new high score. Level 54.

:D

Tx

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Gaming at work

Dear all,

Just a reminder, you are not allowed to play Flappy Bird during work hours.

And a new addition: All talk of Flappy Bird is banned. As is lording your high score over other agents.

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Do you need some pointers?

Omfg. You do seriously suck don’t you.

Just tell me or I’ll hack your phone.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: Yes Please

How do you get passed level 3?

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers, Director Fury, Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Dr Banner
Subject: REQUIRE ASSISTANCE

Dear all,

Just a quick e-mail before I hulk out, as you all know I offered to let Fifi stay in my lab on the hellicarrier after she was kicked out of the tower.

In short, she got out. Into the DNA samples. She is now a super-sized hulk spider (not green though which is interesting, will have to do tests, also she appears to be dribbling a very toxic acid everywhere which while very corrosive, evaporates exceedingly quickly into a very noxious gas, some very suprising things going on in the lab today).

But basically, help would be appreciated.

Banner

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: LEVEL 5 ALERT IN PLACE

Dear all,

Hellicarrier now on a level 5 alert. This is not a drill, we are under attack.

All agents to maximum security. Tactical teams suit up, safety’s off.

WEAR GAS MASKS

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, Director Fury, Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
CC: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: uh…

Banner would send this but he’s a little green at the moment. Turns out Fifi’s children have also decided to munch on some DNA.

We just went from Shelob ‘s lair to dealing with Aragog and his children…

Tx

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers, Director Fury
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: DO NOT SHOOT TO KILL

I swear to god I will kill whoever hurts Fifi.

KEEP HER ALIVE.

Romanov

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: DO NOT SHOOT TO KILL?

Romanov,

And tell me again agent, what exactly are your plans for the giant man eating spider and her children after we subdue them?

Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: !!!

All agents,

SET PHASERS TO STUN!

Tx

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: Shoot to subdue

Dear all,

To clarify: Taze the spiders, don’t kill them.

Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
CC: Director Fury, Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Fifi and children

Dear all,

I would like to thank you all for your hard work today in getting Fifi and her children into their respective shipping craters so they can be relocated off of the hellicarrier. You will be glad to know that they are all on their way off of the hellicarrier and are being taken to the savage islands as we speak.

I would also like to thank Director Fury for his understanding in the protection of Fifi and her offspring, as well as Dr Banner for at least trying to help me reason with the Director while he was hulked out.

Dr Banner I am looking forward to helping you with your scientific research.

Sincerely,

Agent Romanov

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: EW pHone

Hi Al,

Just for an ew phone. Frump tony, it’s a tug screen.

Trig it out. This is my bee number.

Stevan x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: EW pHone

You did what now?

Sweetie, do you need help?

Nat x

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: HI

Gallo Bruce,

I have just boat an ew phone. How’s the séance gong?

Capri-sun Roberts

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Halp

Toni,

I gnat type on this ohone. The scream is too small. Everyone is solely wrong.

Steve

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Halp

You need to turn off auto correct.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: Halp

How do I turn off auto cucumber?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Halp

It’s in the settings!

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Halp

Where?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Halp

Oh dear god, just bring your phone to me.

---

FAO: Agent Coulson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Tech-hell-no- phobe

Hey,

You know I said Steve was good with new technology? Turns out I was wrong.

It seems neither he nor Thor can handle having a Stark phone…

Tx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Phone

Hi guys,

I’m back to using my old phone. So my number is now staying the same.

Much love,

Steve

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: The hellicarrier is alive with the sound of music!

Dear Minions,

You are all beautiful people and your choices are perfect.

Forever an ACDC fan,

Tx

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Agent Hill
Subject: Musical doors

Dear level 1-5 Agents,

We know it was you.

While Agent Barton may appreciate “Sexy Motherfucker” playing upon is entrance into every room, and Agent Romanov does get a kick out of “The Imperial March”, I myself do not enjoy “Move Bitch” playing every time I go through a door.

Make. It. Stop.

NOW.

Agent Hill

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Director Fury
Subject: Does this look like a disco to you?

“You are a Pirate!” Really? How long did it take you to come up with that choice?

Turn it off.

Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Agent Barton
Subject: THIS IS SO COOL!

GUYS,

Please tell me you had Thor’s set to “Hammertime”? I mean I know he’s not here but it would have been perfect.

Clint :D

P.S. Nat should have had that bit in Gangam Style where he goes “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY SEXY LAAAADY!”

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: The doors now play songs?

Dear all,

Just a question, why does it keep playing Tom Lehrer’s “The elements song” every time I go through a door on the hellicarrier?

Regards,

Banner

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: HELL YES THEY DO!

My minions are great and awesome. That’s why.

Also! Did you hear cap’s?? They somehow managed to find an old copy of “Star Spangled Man” and converted it to digital. He blushes every time he enters or leaves a room. It’s adorable.

I’m tearing up, I am so proud to be American. :D

Also, everyone is totally going to be singing it for weeks, which is gonna be hilarious. I bet 3 days before he flips out and yells at someone. Ha.

Tx

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
CC: Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Director Fury
Subject: Loki

Dear all,

As you may have noticed, since dropping his intern back off to Earth a couple of weeks ago, Thor has been absent. I would like to clarify this is because of an attempted take-over in Asgard.

The attempt was perpetrated by Loki (surprise, surprise), but has since been dealt with. Odin is back on the throne of Asgard and for some reason has decided that Loki’s punishment will be to be cast out without any of his powers (thus rendering him mortal) and sending him here.

As I understand it Loki will be staying with us indefinitely under the care of The Avengers. Please see to it that Loki is as comfortable as he can be while he is here. We don’t want him fucking things up again.

Regards,

Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers, Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: A TIME FOR JOYOUS CELEBRATION!

DEAR ALL,

THE TALE THAT DIRECTOR FURY RELATES IS INDEED TRUE. MY BROTHER IS COMING TO LIVE WITH ME AND MY FELLOW AVENGERS IN OUR NEW YORK HOME.

HE IS CURRENTLY POWERLESS, AS THIS IS HIS PUNISHMENT SET DOWN BY OUR FATHER, ODIN, KING OF ASGARD.

I TRUST YOU WILL ALL WELCOME HIM, HE MAY COME ACROSS AS A POMPOUS AND ARROGANT ASS WHO BELIEVES HE IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND WILL TRY TO MURDER ANYONE WHO SAYS DIFFERENTLY, BUT HE IS ACTUALLY VERY SWEET AND WITTY. HE ALSO DOES VERY AMUSING IMPRESSIONS. HIS DIRECTOR FURY IS PARTICULARLY GOOD.

KIND REGARDS,

THOR ODINSON

GOD OF THUNDER AND PRINCE OF ASGARD

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Loki?

Hmm yes.

I can see literally nothing going wrong with this.

Nothing at all.

Not even one thing.

Tx

---

FAO: The Avengers, Agent Hill, Agent Coulson, Director Fury
From: Agent Barton
Subject: WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WE’RE LETTING HIM LIVE WITH US???????

I am so fucking mad right now I think I MIGHT HULK OUT.

Clint

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Angry sex?

Just a suggestion… I’m in my office. ;)

Nat XXX

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: GAMES!

Just to check with you all, we are still on for games night tonight?

A group of baby rabbits is called a fluffle,

Tx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: YES! GAMES!

Obviously! I’m making enchiladas and Nat is bringing her home brew vodka. Someone needs to buy mixers.

A group of hawks is called a cast,

Clint :D

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Can we try to keep it PG this time?

I will be bringing “mixers”. Some of us don’t actually drink, so I’ll be bringing extra.

A group of Eagles is called a convocation,

Steve

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: ha. NO.

Well you would pick an eagle.

A group of Gnus is called an implausibility,

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: PLEASE?

Well excuse me for being patriotic. Plus eagles are cool. (cooler than hawks! “lol”)

A group of Hyenas is called a cackle,

Steve

P.S. don’t tell Clint I said that!

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: CAW CAW MUTHA FUCKA

I HEARD YOU WERE TALKIN SHIT BOUT HAWKS.

Prepare to go down. I will whoop yo ass in Tekken.

A group of crows is called a MURDER,

Clint

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Games night

I will be bringing nibbles.

A group of guinea fowl is called a confusion,

Bruce (who is confused as to why we are now signing off e-mails like this)

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Games and Drinking. Mainly Drinking.

As Clint said, I have lots of Vodka. I will also be bringing some nibbles and a couple of new games I picked on the way home today. No matter what you say Tony, bargain bins are awesome.

A group of sharks is called a shiver,

Nat

P.S. a group of baby bunnies is not a fluffle. Tony that is a lie and you are a liar.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Yes. Mainly Drinking.

WELL MAYBE IT SHOULD BE!

A group of Natasha’s is a HEARTLESS FUN SUCKING KILLJOY,

Tx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: A NIGHT OF MERRIMENT

DEAR ALL,

I SHALL BE BRINGING 5 CASKS OF ASGARDIAN ALE AND A ROAST BOAR.

I SHALL ALSO BE BRINGING MY BROTHER.

A GROUP OF WATER FOWL IS CALLED A KNOB. TIS MOST AMUSING,

THOR ODINSON

PRINCE OF ASGARD AND GOD OF THUNDER

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: How does one change ones name for these e-mail addresses? I am no-

Dear “avengers”,

It appears I am being forced to attend your so called “games night” by my oaf of a brother.

I shall be bringing nothing but myself, a gift which none of you deserve.

A group of Ravens is called an unkindness,

Loki

God of Mischief and rightful King of Asgard/Midgard

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Not telling ;)

Just yourself? Not even clothes? :)

A group of snails is called an escargatoire,

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Very well, I shall figure it out myself

We shall see, man of Iron. ;)

A group of mice is called a mischief,

Loki

God of Mischief and rightful King of Asgard/Midgard

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: Band Practice

Dear all,

I would like to remind you all, once again, that work time is for WORK. It is not acceptable to take an extended lunch due to “band practice”.

Further still, it is even less acceptable to use the hellicarrier’s outer speaker system as a giant radio to play your band’s music to the entirety of New York. I don’t care what Stark says! This is my ship and I am in charge.

DO NOT USE ANY OF THE SPEAKER SYSTEMS ON THE HELIICARRIER TO PLAY MUSIC

Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: The hellicarrier is alive with sound of music

Dearest Minions,

Looks like after Fury’s little e-mail we will have to reschedule our band meetings and band practice to outside of office hours.

I’m thinking, we try this thing out tonight, Avengers Tower of course, and then if all goes well 6pm Mondays and Thursdays? I will provide snacks, drinks and an adequately sized practice space for us all.

Can’t wait to see you all!

Tx

P.S. Agent Hadden, I have had your trombone fixed after last weeks “incident”

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: WHAT IN THE NAME!

Dear lord, Stark!

My bedroom is not a practice space for bands! It’s my bed room! The room in which I have my bed! My bed on which I like to sleep! After work! Because I am tired! And do not want to be kept awake BY PEOPLE PLAYING MUSIC! IN MY GOSH DARN ROOM!

You are such an ass!

Captain Rogers

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Well gosh diggitty darn it

Could you physically fit any more exclamation points into that e-mail?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Stop making fun of the slang I use

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes.

Also, someone has taken some of my underwear.

I’d like them back please.

Steve

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5, SHIELD level 6-10, The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: a general announcement

Dear all,

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Like you are all just too dumb and incompetent and I will never be truly able to actually organise you to do anything.

And then there are times when I look out of the window of my office, when I’m at the NY HQ, and I see a pair of under pants tied to the flag pole outside. Under wear which turn out to belong to Captain America.

It’s almost like I can feel my blood boiling.

I suggest you all run.

Because I will hunt you down and find you.

And then I will hang you from the flag pole.

Fury

---

FAO: SHIELD level 1-5
From: Dr Stark
Subject: ;)

Oh minions,

Steve’s “tighty whitie’s” are a far more patriotic flag to have.

I shall ring the president and see if he’s up for the change.

Tx

Chapter Text

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: Easter Pranks

Stark,

I have found the egg cannon and it is being dismantled as I type this e-mail. Mr Stark, there is a reason we fly over New York with our camouflage panels and I cannot have you endangering the safety of my crew for some prank.

I know you love them, but it is exactly this type of thing that’s the reason Kinder eggs are banned in the first place. Also, you are being held liable for all damages to New York and its residents.

You have 7 degrees, all of which revolve around engineering and physics; at what point did you think it was a good idea to fire Kinder eggs at pedestrians from 3000ft?

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Easter Pranks

Really? It was things EXACTLY like this that got kinder eggs banned?

Tx

---

FAO: SHIELD Level 1-5
From: Director Fury
Subject: I swear you are all morons

Dear Agents,

I understand how many of you volunteered to help Mr Stark with “Project Eggs for All” due to your love for the banned chocolate snack the “Kinder Egg”. I wish you all to know that we of the governing body of SHIELD have tried to over-turn this law numerous times, to no affect, and that flagrant acts of violence like this do not aid our cause.

Also your passion for the eggs doesn’t change the fact all the agents who helped Stark are suspended until further notice.

Consider this a lesson in picking a better cause to go militant for,

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: I am so confused

Dear Director Fury,

May I ask what a “Kinder Egg” actually is?

Regards,

Captain Rogers

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Kinder Eggs

Dear Director Fury,

There is no need to pay any heed to my previous e-mail. I have just received a “butt-load” of these so called “eggs” from Mr Stark.

I was wondering, if they are illegal, will I be arrested for possessing them? I don’t think I can stomach that much chocolate in the time it would take for New York’s finest to arrive and arrest me…

Regards,

Captain Rogers

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: Kinder Eggs

Dear Steve,

No you will not be arrested for possessing the eggs. Mr Stark on the other hand is being arrested as we speak.

I will send a clean-up crew to remove the eggs from your quarters. If you wish to keep some, it may be possible to bribe the clean-up crew to turn a blind eye.

Also Coulson, Hill and I would like an egg too.

Thanks,

Fury

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: I WANT ANSWERS

WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?

TELL ME.

YOU GOD DAMN IDIOTS.

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: RE: I WANT ANSWERS

AH, DIRECTORY FURY! YOU HAVE JOINED IN USING SHOUTY CAPITALS!

TIS MOST AMUSING, IS IT NOT?

KIND REGARDS,

THOR ODINSON

PRINCE OF ASGARD AND GOD OF THUNDER

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: PLOTTING YOUR MURDERS

THE ONLY THING AMUSING IS THE THOUGHT OF PUNCHING YOU ALL IN THE THROAT!

TELL ME WHOSE IDEA IT WAS!

I HAVE ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUPS PHONING EVERY 5 MINUTES!

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Goat incident

Dear Director Fury,

The idea, as ever, was Dr Stark’s. I however, feel I am partially to blame.

When he said we would be spending our day off at a petting zoo, it really did seem like an innocent idea. While I obviously could not have predicted the turn of events, I feel I must apologise.

Regards,

Captain Rogers

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: Petting zoo

I WILL KILL YOU.

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Petting zoo

Fury,

Yeah about that.

Sorry.

Not sorry.

Are the goats ok now?

---

FAO: Thor Odinson
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: My helmet does not look like a goat

Dear Brother,

You are an oaf, and as ever your jokes are not amusing.

You and Barton, can, as they say “go and fuck yourselves”.

Regards,

Loki

Rightful king of Asgard/Midgard

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: You are a 2 year old

Loki is still in a strop, Thor thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong and you look ridiculous with horns.

Please be the adult here and go and apologise.

Nat x

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From Agent Barton
Subject: Apologies

Dear Loki,

Sorry for taking photos of you with the goat. It was Thor’s idea but I shouldn’t have joined in making fun of you.

Please don’t worry about my broken phone as Tony is fixing it. But please could you remove the horns you gave me? They’re making it difficult to train/lie down/get through doors…

Regards,

Agent Barton

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Director Fury
Subject: Avengers Account

Avengers,

While I think it’s great that you guys are spending your free time together getting to know one another and going sight-seeing, can you please stop paying for things on your company accounts.

You expenses are not unlimited and those cards should only be used for mission related things.

SHIELD is not made of money,

Director Fury

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Hill
Subject: RE: Avengers Account

Also, if you are going to pay on your SHIELD accounts:

Can you all please ensure that Steve, Thor and Loki carry their over 60’s bus passes? It gets them discounts on transport and can be used to prove their age when it comes to getting discounts in other places as well.

Cheers,

Agent Hill

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: stop spending my money

STARK.

You do not need another Jet.

Send it back or pay for it yourself.

Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: stop spending my money

But it’s going to be another Aven-jet…

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: RE: Stop spending my money

Two is more than enough.

Send it back

Fury

---

FAO: Agent Hill
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Discounts

Wait, so where exactly can I get discounts with this over 60’s pass?

Cap x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Hill
Subject: RE: Discounts

Cheaper bus/train fares, Gym memberships, the Cinema… Loads of places.

But please try to pay for things yourself. The Avengers SHIELD account is maxed out. Something or other to do with a new Jet…

Regards,

Agent Hill

---

FAO: Agent Hill
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: Discounts

Oh don’t worry I do.

I’ve been googling.

I found out about this thing called “Saga Holidays” for over 50’s. They look like fun.

Cap x

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Holiday Request

Dear Director Fury,

I was wondering if I could have some time off to go on a cruise?

Regards,

Captain Rogers

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Director Fury
Subject: RE: Holiday Request

Rogers,

If you want a cruise I’ll land the Hellicarrier and we can sail it around for a bit.

If you want to go somewhere exotic I have a mission in Thailand for you.

If you want a time off to rest and relax then no.

I hope that answers your question,

Director Fury

---

FAO: Director Fury
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Notice of Absence

Dear Director Fury,

The Avengers and I are taking a two week holiday to the south of France. Don’t worry Jarvis has things covered.

Much love,

Tx

Chapter Text

FAO: SHIELD (all agents)
From: Fury N.
Subject: New Leadership

All surviving Agents,

Firstly, I would like to congratulate those of you still here on how bravely you all fought recently while helping Captain America. You are all exemplary agents and I am so proud that I was, for a time, your director. I would also like to take a moment for us all to think of those Agents that fell during Hydra’s attempted take-over.

Secondly, I would like to inform you all that I am stepping down as Director of SHIELD. Officially of course SHIELD no longer exists. But, as you may be aware, I have handed over the agency to Coulson. I have every faith, that with time and your continued support, he will restore SHIELDs good name and make it into something even better than before.

I will still be keeping track of you all. I’ll be back if you need me.

Sincerely,

Nick Fury

P.S. No I’m not dead. Yet.

---

FAO: Fury N.
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: New Leadership

Wait what happened? Why are you leaving? Why are we helping Steve? Did he slip and crack a hip in the shower or something?

I did say we should have given him one of those alarm things. You can never be too careful with elder folk these days. Modern life is so fast pace.

Clint x

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: You’re back?

SHIELD was compromised by HYDRA, everything’s gone to shit. Half the agents are either dead or pretending to be, the other half have now been hired by Stark Industries and are covertly working within the company to re-build SHIELD.

Oh and The Avengers are their own security unit at Stark industries.

So, y’know, Tony is our boss.

P.S. where the fuck have you been? You had me worried, bird brain.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: You’re back

Well, I went out to get coffee and I got kidnapped by the Mafia. Ended up in Puerto Rico on a Cannabis farm, tried to ship myself home in a crate and ended up getting lost.

Pretty usual week TBH.

How’re you?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: You’re back

Good, just filling in our job applications. Stark is a dick and is making us re-apply for our jobs.

I’m doing yours for you.

“I like Chicken” is not an appropriate addition to your personal information section. How/Why in the hell did SHIELD even hire you? Loser.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Job Applications

Dear Applicants,

I am thrilled to have received your applications and I would to invite you to Stark Tower for a group interview.

The interview is structured to involve a question and answer section followed by a battle royale in which only the best of the best will survive and receive a job offer.

Think hunger games but with fewer love triangles and more me.

Love,

You prospective Boss

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: What the fuck

Dear Tony,

What in the world are you thinking? A battle royale? I’ve played along with this job application thing long enough. I just need access to your computers long enough to search for Bucky and I’ll be gone.

For god’s sake, I need this one damn favour. Where the hell were you when everything was going to shit anyway?

You know what never mind. I’m going to find Bucky on my own.

Sincerely,

Steve

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Since when does Captain Rogers swear?

Hmm yeah. I doubt you’ll be alone with your new bird pal following you round.

And I was joking about the battle royale. Chillax sugar. I just wanted to get everyone together for lunch and take a breath before we start cleaning up the utter mess everything is in at the moment.

Coulson is over with his team and Pepper’s been going crazy dealing with press since Natski, the world’s favourite Russian, decided to spill all the beans on the government’s top secrets and now no-one can find anyone that’s available for comment apart from poor Pep.

So sorry if my e-mail was too jokey, but I’m tryna lighten the mood here.

Sincerely,

Tony

P.S. Me and Big Green have fixed up your shield. You’re welcome.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Server 500
Subject: Error Message

Error

Mail unsent

E-mail title {You are such a Prick} could not be sent because address {Dr.MuthaFuckin.Stark@SHIELD.gov.us} does not exist

Have you typed in the address correctly? Click HERE to attempt to resend the e-mail

Please think about the environment before printing this e-mail

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Server 500
Subject: Error Message

Error

Mail unsent

E-mail title {Hello? Anyone there?} could not be sent because address {Dr.MuthaFuckin.Stark@SHIELD.gov.us, Biggreen.Banner@SHIELD.gov.us, Nattypie.vodka@SHIELD.gov.us, CawCAW.Barton@SHIELD.gov.us, BicepsofThor.Odinson@SHIELD.gov.us, Captain.Steveypants@SHIELD.gov.us} does not exist

Have you typed in the address correctly? Click HERE to attempt to resend the e-mail

Please think about the environment before printing this e-mail

---

INTERNAL SERVER ERROR

E-MAILS UNABLE TO BE SENT OR RECIEVED

CANNOT CONNECT TO SERVER

CANNOT CONNe111---00011001001----------0100101010101000--

Errr-ERROR

.Hack: crypkey567.2228830184.Ultimatestarkhack.

Server reboot: ?

Y

00000010101010pressentertobegin0101010100101111100000101010loadingpleasewaitloading10101010011111100010100001011111000000
1111111010101010111000001010010011110101001011010101101serveruploading010101000connectingtostark.industries.restore.initiatenow?

Y

REBOOT SUCCESSFUL

Hello,

My name is Jarvis. How may I be of service?

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: New E-mail addresses

Dear all,

My first e-mail to you on our brand spanking new server, put together by yours truly and Big Green. We worked hard ladies. Here are your new e-mail addresses:

- Steve: Captain.MoanyPants@Starkind.com
- Nat: Jolly.Russian@Starkind.com
- Clint: Bird.Brain@Starkind.com
- Big Green: Big.Green@Starkind.com
- Thor: Hammer.Time@Starkind.com
- Loki: Whiny.Green@Starkind.com
- Pep: CEO@Starkind.com (seriously you guys should have this already)
- Me: BigBad.Boss@Starkind.com

Just add everyone to your contacts and it should automatically create an Avengers e-mail group for you.

Much love,

Your Boss

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Announcement

Dear all,

Just a quickie from your new boss, I think it’s great we’re all living together under one roof and I do so hope we’ll have lots of drunken escapades in the future, but I would like to warn you now, if I ever see anyone’s wrinkly scrotums fly past me at 3 in the morning because you got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to go streaking I will dock your pay.

Therefore it is with great woe that, in only my second e-mail to you all, I am docking Clint’s pay.

I don’t care if Thor dared you.

Much love,

Your Boss xx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: C. Barton
Subject: RE: New E-mail addresses

Ain't even gonna try and deny it.

Sorry boss.

:)

P.S. I only come up as C. Barton now? aww man. I miss being agent. :(

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: New E-mail addresses

Tony,

Please can I change my e-mail? I really don’t want to e-mail the president as “Captain.Moanypants”…

Steve x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: New E-mail addresses

So don’t e-mail him then!

Tx

P.S. why are you e-mailing the president anyway?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: RE: New E-mail Addresses

It’s classified

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: New E-mail Addresses

OMG it’s about your soviet boyfriend isn’t it??

Haaaa. How much help has el presidente been in the search for the winter smolder?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: New E-mail Addresses

Shut up Tony.

You are literally the only person that doesn’t seem to care if I find Bucky or not and I am getting sick of your shit.

Also, when are you adding Sam to the avengers e-mail list? I thought we agreed as a group he was joining?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Stevie said a naughty word

Oh totally forgot about that! Busy doing science. Will add him now.

Also, I do care about finding Bucky! I am 100% up for finding him so you can blow off some steam in your own winter wonderland. God knows you need a lay.

Keep love alive!

Tx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Our newest member

Dear all,

Another message from your darling Boss, I’ve added Sam to the mailing list:

Wings.ofGlory@Starkind.com

Fly hard,

Your loving boss x

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: P. Potts
Subject: Clarification of the chain of command

Hi all,

Just a message to say, as Tony is not the CEO of Stark industries anymore and The Avengers are now on Stark industries payroll, he is not your boss.

I am.

You don’t need to listen to anything he says, and Clint I am not docking your pay. Though please be considerate of your fellow Stark tower residents and wear pants in communal areas next time.

Thanks!

Your actual boss,

Pepper Potts

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: I feel betrayed

PEPPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Why are you ruining my fun?

Plus I own the majority of shares which means I am technically your boss, which means I am their boss, so there.

Tx

P.S. It’s your turn to organise Date Night

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: I feel betrayed

Tony,

Yes I am well aware of that. Please feel free to e-mail your fellow board members if you really feel that I am not doing an adequate job of running the company and The Avengers.

If not, shut up and deal with it Tony. I am busy.

Love Pepper

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: I will stab you

Dear god tony!

I was being sarcastic! I didn’t really mean you should e-mail the other board members! I am now being bombarded with e-mails about an emergency board meeting to discuss the future of the company under my leadership.

What the hell did you say to them?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: No really I am going to stab you

I swear to god Tony I am going to skewer your testicles on my Louboutins.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: P. Potts
Subject: Date nights

Dear all,

Just a message from your Boss, all Date Nights are cancelled and permanently banned.

Also anyone named Tony or with the surname Stark is officially locked out of the top penthouse and will be made to sleep on the sofas in the foyer.

Much love,

Pepper

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: Who’s the boss now?

I know I said I was no longer talking to you, but I felt I should inform you that after your little smear campaign blew up on both of us the stocks of Stark industries took a nose dive.

I used my own savings to buy out all the board members.

Say goodbye to your majority shares, asshole.

Much love,

Pepper

P.S. Date nights may be cancelled but your boss has no qualms with two individuals spending time in the same room together for an extended period of time :)

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Who’s the boss now?

That’s great Pepper!

Bruce will be really glad to hear we can spend our evening in the lab!

You’re a doll!

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: Who’s the boss now

I hate you.

Chapter Text

FAO: P. Potts
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Job application

Dear Ms Potts,

I would like to thank you for accepting my application to join The Avengers. I really look forward to my new role within Stark industries. The facilities provided look amazing.

Just one question, can we please make Taco Tuesdays a thing?

Yours sincerely,

Sam Wilson

Aka Falcon

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: Job application

Of course Sam! I’ll have my girls work something up with the kitchen staff. One thing, can you take me out for a fly? I’ve always wanted to fly but Tony’s suits mean getting a lift from him is ridiculously uncomfortable. Oh, and please call me Pepper!

Regards,

P x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: RE: Job application

Pepper, I would be honoured. Maybe I could take you out for a flight and then for lunch?

Sam x

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Job application

Sounds like a plan! I’ll have a look at my schedule and get back to you.

Px

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: UMM HELLO

Back off she’s spoken for.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Yes Hello

Don’t be an ass. Ms Potts can speak for herself. :)

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: I want a ride

Sam,

Can I have a lift too? All my boyfriend does is shoot arrows. Not that interesting.

Cheers,

Nat

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: A ride? REALLY?

I want to be mad, but at least he knows you’re mine.

IBBx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: I am so so so sorry

Ok fuck no, I didn’t mean that. You are not mine, you are your own woman first, last and always.

I love you.

Please don’t hurt me.

I’m making dinner.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Bucky

Guys,

JARVIS has come up with some sightings of Bucky. He seems to be somewhere in New York. I need help tracking him down on foot. Offers?

Any help would be appreciated,

Steve

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: Bucky

You know I’m with you!

Sam x

___

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Thor Odinson
Subject: RE: Bucky

A QUEST!

OF COURSE I SHALL JOIN YOU, CAPTAIN!

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: Bucky

Permission to sit this one out? Considering my err… condition? And the fact it could cause more harm than good?

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: Bucky

Of course Dr Banner! I understand! :)

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Bucky

Sounds like a laugh. Plus I need to need to get out of the flat. Me and Clint haven’t actually left the bed for three days.

Nat x

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: Bucky

Did not need to know!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: You and Clint

Please share more details.

;)

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Me and the bae

Ok, to clarify: we were playing Tekken in bed.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: ha

So that’s what the kids are calling it these days…

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: WELL HELLO THERE

HI GUYS MY BEST FRIEND WHO I THOUGHT HAD DIED BUT ACTUALLY DIDN’T AND INSTEAD WAS KIDNAPPED BY HYDRA AND BRAINWASHED INTO BECOMING AN ASSASSIN IS SOMEWHERE IN THE VICINITY OF THE TOWER AND I NEED TO FIND HIM.

THANK YOU FOR SPENDING ALL THIS TIME HELPING ME.

YOU’RE ALL REALY GREAT FRIENDS.

CHEERS

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: well hello you ;)

Oh sorry Steve, did you need something?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: No

I will hurt you.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Bucky

Yeah I’m gonna stay in bed I think… I have a bag of Cheetos to finish.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Bucky

After a brief moment of reflection I have reconsidered this decision.

I shall indeed be helping you find your boyfriend.

I’m now having a shower.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Clint

Thanks for that Nat.

Steve xx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Meeting

Everyone assemble in the living room in half an hour.

I’ve created a colour coded grid map system so we can make sure we check everywhere thoroughly, focusing on the areas where he was seen most recently and then the surrounding areas where he is statistically most likely to be.

Steve x

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Meeting

Oh yay… Grandpa made us boy scouts some paper grid maps… Fun…

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Shut up Tony

Actually, they’re interactive and have just completed downloading onto everyone’s phones.

We’re splitting into teams of two so we can cover more ground. The maps will allow teams to update the map in real time, checking off areas they have covered.

Now, are you ready to leave?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Yes sir!

I am actually kind of impressed, captain…

But wait teams of two? Does that mean I’m stuck with ET? Cos y’know, you’ll obviously be with your boy toy, Natski will be with Robin Hood…

Ugh.

Seriously reconsidering leaving the lab.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Shh

Quit moaning.

We’re waiting on you. And for the record Thor is looking forward to working with you. Says you need to spend time bonding.

We leave in 2 minutes.

Chapter Text

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: P. Potts
Subject: You have a visitor

Hey Steve,

Just got home from the office, there was a man in the foyer asking for you? Says he knows you and you’ve been looking for him?

Pep x

P.S where are you guys

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: P. Potts
Subject: Your “friend”

Hey Steve,

Me again.

JARVIS just sent me pictures of Foyer Guy standing out in the rain outside the tower… He looks so lonely and cold. Like a lost puppy. I’m letting him in.

Hurry back!

Pep x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: P. Potts
Subject: OMG!

Hey,

Me again. JARVIS just updated me on what’s going on.

Steve, it’s Bucky. He’s here!

I’m so excited!

I’m making cocoa for everyone! (As you guys will probably be freezing by the time you get back) We’ll be waiting! Bruce has joined us and we’re having a chat. Bucky seems really sweet. :)

Pep x

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: Where are you?

Tony,

Steve’s not replying to my messages. I know you’ll have your alerts turned on.

I’ve been sitting here for 3 hours with Bucky and Bruce drinking so much Cocoa we’re starting to feel ill.

What are you guys even doing? You must have walked round the whole of New York by now…

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: On our way home

Hi, yeah, search was going badly.

We started off with a Stucky History Tour of Brooklyn and then ended up getting into a gun fight with a left over HYDRA cell in an “abandoned” warehouse on the edge of the city and then Cap had a crying fit in an alley way so we went for coffee and donuts…

Heading back now, Steve’s run on ahead.

Tx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Bucky

Just a quick e-mail to thank you all for helping me with the search yesterday.

Also, a massive thank you to Pepper and Bruce for being superstar sweet hearts and not freaking Bucky out but just talking to him and getting him to come inside.

Thank you all of you!

Steve x

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR

EVERY SIGHT AND EVERY SOUND…

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: LOL

Dude, I don’t think Cap swings that way…

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Noooooooooo!

Stop.

I am emotionally invested in this ship.

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Stark. >:(

And monetarily invested.

Take the betting site down or I will destroy your servers.

Nat

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: E-mail changes

After a very heated argument Cap’s email has been changed to: stars.andstripes@starkind.com

Oh and bucky’s e-mail is: thatboyisa.bottom@starkind.com

Enjoy ;)

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: E-mail Changes

Aren’t the stars and stripes a little old fashioned?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: E-mail Changes

Au contraire.

I hear stripes are meant to be very slimming.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Haa

Is Bucky even gonna get the joke?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: In your endo

Yes Clint I do.

Funnily enough gay people didn’t randomly spring into existence. We had them in the 40’s too.

And you guys don’t seem to remember how small Steve was before the war.

I am not a bottom.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Dear God

BUCKY STOP ENCOURAGING STARK.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Why are there so many people living here?

May I enquire as to the identity of the new waif we appear to have gained?

The computer JARVIS says I do not have clearance to learn about such things.

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Thor
Subject: RE: Why are there so many people living here?

BROTHER

HE IS THE CAPTAINS LOVER, AND A MIGHTY WARRIOR. HE WAS BRAINWASHED BY SOME VERY EVIL PEOPLE.

PLEASE SHOW AS MUCH RESPECT AS YOU CAN MUSTER.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: RE: RE: Why are there so many people living here?

Oh the poor dear. Perhaps I should start a counselling group for survivors of brainwashing.

I think I know some others who would be interested in joining.

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Thor
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Why are there so many people living here?

BROTHER

THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE AND UNNECESSARY.

THE FLYING WARRIOR, FALCON, HAS A SUPPORT GROUP FOR WAR VETERANS WHERE THEY SHARE THEIR MIGHTY TALES OF BATTLE.

I AM ALSO GOING TO ATTEND WITH THE CAPTAIN, JAMES AND THE REST OF THE AVENGERS THIS WEEK.

PLEASE BEHAVE IN THE TOWER ALONE.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: You are a moron

Oh joy.

I’m sure the meeting will go swimmingly.

Please try to show some tact while out in public, brother. This isn’t asgard.

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Thor
Subject: Don’t be such a bilge snipe

I know more of the trials and tribulations of war than you do, Loki. Do not pretend otherwise.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Muscle head

What no caps lock anymore?

Has the oaf finally learnt to use midgardian technology?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: “Bucky”

After having googled him, I have decided that James used to be rather dashing.

Just e-mailing to ask for permission to give him a haircut and to get rid of that awful mop he calls hair.

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: “Bucky”

Bucky’s hair is his business. E-mail him if you want to cut it.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Your hair

Dear James,

I am e-mailing to enquire if you were interested in a haircut? As I find your current style rather offensive to my personal tastes in style.

Since I have been at the tower I have become the unofficial style consultant. If you’d like to see some of my work please see Agents Romanov and Barton’s hair, and the gorgeous new faux fur throw in the living room.

I promise your hair re-vamp will bring you right up into the 21st century.

Lots of love,

Loki

God of mischief and rightful king of Asgard/Midgard

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: My hair?

All due respect sweetheart I’m not letting the guy who blew up half New York anywhere near me with a pair of scissors. Also that throw is god damn awful.

Also, why the hell is a god acting as style consultant to The Avengers?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Yes, your hair

Boredom.

I do a lot of things when bored.

Especially when bored and personally insulted.

Sleep with one eye open, Barnes.

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: haha

Oh well, excuse me if I’m not quaking in my boots.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: :/

You’re incredibly rude.

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Really?

Says the guy who just insulted my hair.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Yes really

Your hair is insult worthy.

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Ugh

I’ll have you know Steve loves my hair.

Loves tugging on it when we fuck.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: AHA!

CALLED IT!

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Our little bet

Stark you owe me money for that.

---

FAO: The Avengers, STARK ind Levels 1-5, STARK ind Levels 6-10
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Money Money Money

Now calling in all bets.

Starbucks is real.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Whaaaat

Damn son, I thought your training was better than that.

You walked into that one.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Ugh…

Me and Steve have bets down too…

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Yay!

Looks like we’re going out to dinner tonight then, huh buck?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: Yay!

Mmm yes.

Pepper gave me a list of restaurants to try out. We drop her name; we’re guaranteed best seats in the house!

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: STOP

So wait, Cap’s definitely gay now?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: STOP

I think the word you’re looking for is Bisexual.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes, Agent Barton
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Well…

The word you’re looking for is actually Pansexual. But I’ll forgive the mistake.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: Well…

Pansexual?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: Well…

LGBTQIA rights have come on a long way, Buck.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Cookies for all!

Hey all,

Just a message to say my mom made cookies for everyone. I’ve left them out on the side in the kitchen. Feel free to help yourselves, but remember to leave some for others!

Much love,

Sam

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: DAMN SON

These cookies are the bomb.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: What

Bucky, please stop using modern slang.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Thor
Subject: BAKED FOOD STUFFS

THESE COOKIES ARE DELICIOUS

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Cookies

We have no milk. How can you have cookies without milk?????

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Cookies

Brought some milk on the way back from my mission.

Managed to grab the last oatmeal cookie.

It was orgasmic.

:D

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: COOKIES

THERE ARE NO MOTHER FUCKING COOKIES LEFT!

IMMA KILL A BITCH

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Cookies?

There were cookies?

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Cookies

Oh yep. Just seen the e-mail.

There were cookies.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Cookieeeeees

I did not receive a cookie.

I am very upset.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Barton
Subject: So…

When are we getting more cookies?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: So…

Whenever mom feels like baking them?

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: So…

Can I please commission a private batch?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: RE: RE: So…

Sure. I’ll ask her!

She’ll be glad her first lot went down well.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: So…

I didn’t get any of the first lot

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: So…

What? There were tonnes of them…

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Cookie Thief

Guys,

Who ate all the cookies? There was a load of them. I thought you lot would be better at sharing.

:/

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Thor
Subject: RE: Cookie Thief

IT MAY HAVE BEEN ME.

THEY WERE TO DELICIOUS.

OOPS.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Cookies

YOU BASTARD!

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Thor
Subject: Cookies

Accepted?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Loki
Subject: LOLOLOLOL

Good luck.

Haha.

Hahaha.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Ow

That may not have been my best idea.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Ow

You are a moron.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: Ow

On the upside Sam’s mom made me a box of cookies to make me feel better.

Bring milk when you visit?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Ow

The shop ran out of milk.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Ow

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Beach day mutha fuckaz

Get on your swim suits we are going to the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach.

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Beach Day

Also please remember sun screen, burnt avengers are not happy avengers (see Clint 2010 Barbados).

Nat x

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Beach Day

Ok, so I made sandwiches and mom made more cookies (I will be rationing them). Steve and Bucky made Quiche. We also went out and brought some chips/dips and general snacks.

Anything anyone else wants?

Sx

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Beach Day

A full restaurant service lunch? Cos we’re going to a really classy and very exclusive resort… so like, there are people there who will cook for us…

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts
From: Agent Barton
Subject: BEACH DAYYYYYYYYYYY

Screw the restaurant I want marshmallows and beach campfire.

SMORES.

Yes.

Excellent thinking Barton. :D :D :D

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: shut the fuck up

You can’t tell yourself you have excellent thinking. It makes you look like even more of a moron than you already do.

Nat x

---

FAO: Dr Stark, P. Potts
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Beach Day Preparations

Do we need to bring our own sun umbrellas?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Beach Day Preparations

Seating and umbrellas are provided for.

Jeez this is a classy beach resort for rich people. Why am I even inviting you all. Now all of the rich people will know I hang out with you losers.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Beach

If there is seating/a restaurant/a covered area can I bring my laptop? I have work…

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Beach

Yes, there are all of the above. No, you may not bring work.

I’ll bring some games. We’re spending the day relaxing Bruce. NO WORK.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: This resort…

Is there gonna be a cocktail bar?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: This resort…

Yes.

Please restrain yourself.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Drinking Competition

Anyone up for it?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Thor
Subject: RE: Drinking Competition

AYE!

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Beach day, doom impending

Pepper, what have I done?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: Beach day, doom impending

It’ll be fine! They’re just excited.

And so am I to be honest. We could use a little break.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Hey Bucky bear

Remember to bring a towel to wrap your arm in so it doesn’t over heat.

Much love,

Stevie-pie

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Beach day

Well, that was a fuck up.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: Beach day

To be fair it wasn’t as much of a failure as the trip to the south of France.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain America
Subject: You.

I am so disappointed in you.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: ME?

What? It was a free bar. We grew up in the depression. I’m not used to such frivolous luxury. I didn’t want the alcohol to go to waste.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Bucky,

You need to stop using the depression as an excuse to eat and drink excessively. You’re getting chubby.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Steeeeeve

And that’s a problem why?

More cushion for the pushin’ as they say… ;)

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: You’re a soak

Natasha,

You’re lucky I’m a billionaire.

You drank so much they are actually making me pay to replace the alcohol.

At the free bar.

You drank so much they are making me pay for the FREE bar.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: WTF?

Omg Natasha next time please don’t swim so far out to sea.

You seriously fucking scared me.

Sincerely,

A Worried Fucking Bird

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Thor
Subject: LOKI

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY BROTHER?

LAST I SAW HE WAS PADDLING IN THE SHALLOWS IN AN INFLATABLE WATER CRAFT.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Umm…

Satellites have him located in the middle of the Atlantic…

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Thor
Subject: LOKI… AGAIN

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN PROCURE A LARGE WATER VESSEL SO I MAY SAIL OUT TO SEA AND RESCUE MY BROTHER?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: P. Potts
Subject: Hey

Morning Natasha,

Are you feeling better now? I’ve sent up some food and some flowers to make you feel better.

You need anything else?

Pep x

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Natasha?

Has anyone actually seen her since we got back? I’m worried.

Steve x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: Natasha?

Last I heard she was ill in bed. Something about ingesting sea water?

Tx

---
FAO: Dr Stark, Captain Rogers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Natasha.

I think you mean Tequila.

She ingested too much Tequila.

The story about the sea water is a lie. Although the story about her jumping off that massive rock shouting “I am the spider of the sea” is true.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: I watch your e-mails

Shut your damn mouth, Barton. And bring me pop tarts.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Um…

Steve, my love, can you come and give me a hand in the gym?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Um…

For the last time Bucky, I am not giving you anymore hand jobs in the gym. Especially not after we almost got caught last weekend. I don’t care how good you look all sweaty in your sportswear…

Gimme 5 minutes…

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: RE: Um…

No.

Like, I need a hand, literally.

I think the sea water has fucked up my metal arm. I’m stuck in the weights machine.

I can’t escape.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Well

That gym encounter was slightly less steamy and passionate than I imagined.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: Well

I can make it up to you in the shower?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: Well

I am not letting your malfunctioning arm anywhere near my penis.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts, Dr Foster, Ms Lewis
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Last night

Guys,

Not to be a spoil sport, but that party went on too long last night… well, this morning. I mean, it’s not like I don’t enjoy a party now and again but that was seriously taking the mick.

We really need to sit down and have some hard dick.

Bucky

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Dr Foster
Subject: RE: Last night

Sweetie,

That does not mean whatever you think it means…

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Last night

YOU WANT US TO WHAT???

I just spat coffee everywhere.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes, Captain Rogers
From: Ms Lewis
Subject: Manwich?

I would love to have some hard dick with you.

Darcy

XXX

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: P. Potts
Subject: Um…

Steve honey, you know you gave Tony and Clint those lessons on American history and American slang? You might want to give Bucky a lesson or two…

Pep x

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: DEAR GOD BUCKY!

Get to the kitchen now. I’m baking, but we need to talk.

Stevie xx

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Cake

Hey Steve,

Just wanted to say thanks for the cake you baked my mom. She really enjoyed it!

Sam x

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Cake

No problem!

I’m really getting into cooking at the moment. I downloaded some cook books for my kindle. Technology. Am I right?

Anyways, I’m making cupcakes if you wanna come through to the kitchen and help.

Steve x

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: CAKE!!!

Dear god, Steve’s cupcakes are better than crack.

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts, Dr Foster, Ms Lewis
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Steve’s edible goods

Steve’s always been a bit of an icing expert.

Also, you should try his poundcake. Man I love eating Steve’s poundcake.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: My “edible goods”

BUCKY SHUT THE HELL UP.

WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

LITERALLY JUST NOW.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: You’re very edible

Aww man. I did it again didn’t I?

I’m just gonna go sit on my own in the bedroom.

Maybe you can join me and we’ll play hoop snake for a bit?

Call me if you want me to clean up the kitchen though. You always make a mess with the buttercream.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: I actually can’t look at food the same anymore

Bucky,

You are ruining my baking time.

Please stop.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Hey

I’m lonely.

Whip my cream?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Hey

No.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Hey

Buff my banana?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Hey

No.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Yo

Steve,

Just so you are aware, Bucky has been sending all these e-mails to all of us…

Sam x

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: …

GOD DAMMIT BUCKY!

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: P. Potts
Subject: WTF?

Guys,

What on earth have you been doing in the living room? There was a loose nail sticking out of the bookshelf and I’ve just ripped my favourite dress!

Please treat the furniture with more respect.

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Your dress

Give me 5 minutes. Just need to find my sewing kit!

Steve x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: P. Potts
Subject: Eep!

Oh my god. Steve you are fantastic! How on earth can you sew that well? I can’t even see the rip!

I’m buying you wine. Expensive wine.

Pep x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Yo Steve

You’re so great at sewing, can you re-hem my work pants? I ripped them during “work”.

Nat x

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Yo Steve

Meet me in the living room!

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Ms Lewis
Subject: Hey

Steve,

How’s your knitting? I need a new hat. :(

Lots of love,
Darcy

---

FAO: Ms Lewis
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Hey

Darcy,

What happened to the old one?

My knitting isn’t too great, but wish hard for Christmas and I’ll see what I can do by then! (If you wish extra hard there may be a scarf)

Steve x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Thor
Subject: MY CAPE

CAPTAIN,

I HAVE HEARD TALES OF YOUR SKILLS AT THE MIDGARDIAN PRACTICE OF DARNING.

WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO MEND MY CAPE? I MAY HAVE MADE A SMALL HOLE IN IT DURING OUR LAST BATTLE.

THANK YOU,

THOR

---

FAO: Thor
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: Your Cape

Thor,

Steve’s out buying wool at the moment but I’m pretty good at darning as well. Where are you? I’ll come pick up your cape and fix it.

Bucky

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Barton
Subject: …

I have a hole in my sock.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: …

Good for you.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: …

I was hoping you’d fix it?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: RE: RE: …

*eye roll so hard my eyes fall out*

Fine. I’m in my room.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers, Dr Foster, Ms Lewis
From: P. Potts
Subject: Stark ind. Summer Ball

Hi all,

Just inviting you all to the Stark Industries Summer Ball. It’s next Friday, and will be held in the Stark Expo gardens. It’s a formal event so tuxedos and gowns please.

I hope to see you all there!

Pep x

---

FAO: The Avengers, Dr Foster, Ms Lewis
From: Dr Stark
Subject: BTW

When Pepper says “I hope to see you there” she means “be there or I will kill you”.

:D

---

FAO: Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: The Ball

So yeah, I may have left this getting ready for the ball thing a little late. Managed to wrangle a dress buuuut…

Either of you boys any good with hair?

Nat x

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: The Ball

Nah, unless you want it shaved off.

I can kind of do pin up curls? Steve’s better though. He used to help out the dancing girls.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Foster
Subject: Hair

Steve!

I know this is last minute but I heard you were doing Natasha’s hair, can you do mine?

Darcy kind of ruined it. A lot. In fact she completely ruined it. I think I smell burning.

Jane xxx

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: HELP! [this message has been classified as URGENT]

Pep,

I need hair spray, bobby pins and a comb.

Steve x

---

FAO: Dr Foster
From: Ms Lewis
Subject: OMFGG

We’re having a hair party and I wasn’t invited? I want in!

Dxxx

---

FAO: The Avengers, Dr Foster, Ms Lewis
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Um, what the fuck?

Hello.

Why are you all suddenly turning to Steve for fashion advice?

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Is it really a surprise?

Move over Lokes. You’re all washed up.

The Avengers have a new fashion queen.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: You’re a prick

Listen here you racoon,

If you ever call me “Lokes” again I will scalp you in your sleep.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Foster
Subject: Last night

Hi Steve,

Just wanted to thank you for doing my hair, and for helping me with my make-up. I felt like a princess! If you ever need a favour just ask!

Much love,

Jane x

---

FAO: Dr Foster
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Last night

You looked tacky and awful.

---
FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Dr Foster
Subject: RE: Last night

Loki,

Next time I see you I am going to bitch slap you back to jotunheim. For now I’m blocking your e-mail address.

Oh, and telling Thor you sounded like you really wanted some sibling bonding time.

Have fun braiding each other’s hair.

Jane

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: My Lab

What has happened to my lab? It's... Tidy? And I can't find anything. It may have been chaos but it was organised chaos.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: My Lab

Technically it can't be chaos if it is organised.

I expected better from you.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: My Lab

Me and Bucky gave it a spring clean. Sorry we didn't tell you. We were waiting for you to get back from lunch and it was just so messy in there!

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: My Lab

It's fall.

Exactly which surfaces did you bonk on?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: RE: My Lab

Only the bench....

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Your Lab

ALL OF THEM!!!!!! :DDDDD

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: My Lab, again

Ugh.

You know what it's fine. I've managed to re create the mess (mine not yours). I have sterilised everything to be safe. I appreciate you trying to cover it up, but really Steve, you are an awful liar.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: So...

You're lab has cameras in doesn't it?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: So...

Yes.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: So...

Good.

But, you're going to use the video for black mail aren't you?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: So...

Yes. :)

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: So...

Fine. Can I please get a copy of the video?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: So...

Hey, wait WHAT?? Turns out captain America ain't so wholesome after all... Bucky is such a bad influence on you.

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts, Dr Foster, Dr Selvig, Ms Lewis, Loki Odinson, NJ Fury, Agent Hill, Agent Coulson
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: "a bad influence"

For the 1000th time: I AM NOT A BAD INFLUENCE ON CAPTAIN AMERICA. HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE ON ME.

Back in the day I couldn't even leave him for 5 minutes or he'd go and get into a fight or I don't know.. sign up to be a human lab rat and then leap into a god damn war without any clue what he's doing and then travel miles behind enemy lines without support to rescue a bunch of guys. Oh Captain America how brave you are! More like Oh Captain America how fucking moronic you are!! Do I need to bring up the number of times he's jumped out of a plane WITHOUT a parachute? Or the two gigantic air craft he has crashed into large bodies of water?

Mr goody two shoes American dream, more like mr I'm a fucking idiot back alley fist fighting risk taking good for nothing punk.

God. I am so done with you people. I am a wholesome all American boy. I used to go to science conventions for fun god dammit!

P.S. Tony, it was his idea to bang in the lab, he even bought the lube and condoms. The little shit was planning it, so no, he’s not kidding. We really do want a copy of the video.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: uh...

What video?

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: ohhh...

The one on a permanent loop on the living room TV...

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Thor
Subject: CAPTAIN!

YOU ARE MOST WELL ENDOWED.

CONGRATULATIONS!

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Well Hello

Captain, Sergeant, need any help cleaning your weapons? ;)

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: ATTENTION!

Note to all: DO NOT ENTER THE LIVING ROOM. I just found out why Steve wanted a copy of that video so badly.

I don't get why those two can't be more like Nat and Clint. At least they only frickle frackle in their private quarters.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: ATTENTION!

We're assassins dummy.

You'll never see us coming.

:D

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: The stain on the couch wasn't ice cream

LOL. No surface has been left untouched.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Oh good lord

I am sterilizing this entire tower. I live with a bunch of horny teenagers.

Also, on the note of: I never ever want to touch anything in this tower ever again, who’s up for a trip to London?

Chapter Text

FAO: Thor
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: LATTES!

Hey you,

I was just in Starbucks. Their fall menu is out, pumpkin spice lattes all the way!

Nat x

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Thor
Subject: INDEED!

VERILY AGENT ROMANOV. I RECENTLY RECEIVED AN ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION FROM THEM WITH THE SAME INFORMATION. I AM MOST EXCITED!

---

FAO: Dr Foster
From: Thor
Subject: HOT BEVERAGES

LADY JANE!

WE MUST HEAD TO STARBUCKS! THEY HAVE NEW LATTES!

---

FAO: Thor
From: Dr Foster
Subject: RE: HOT BEVERAGES

Already there sweetie, drinks ordered. I'll be back in about 15 minutes. Pumpkin spiced latte right?

---

FAO: Dr Foster
From: Thor
Subject: RE: RE: HOT BEVERAGES

MAY THE BLESSINGS OF ODIN TRAVEL WITH YOU UNTIL YOU ASCENSION TO VALLAH. INDEED LADY JANE YOU ARE A MOST EXCELLENT LIFE COMPANION.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Dr Stark
Subject: The little coffee machine that could

Nice snap chat of your latte. But, you are aware the kitchen coffee machine stocks all those syrups and you can have any flavour latte you want right?

---

FAO: The Avengers, P.Potts, Dr Foster, Dr Selvig, Ms Lewis, Loki Odinson
From: Thor
Subject: DEAR ALL

I HAVE RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED OF THE FULL CAPABILITIES OF OUR COFFE MAKING APPARATUS. I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU ALL TO THE KITCHEN TO TRY MY LATEST CREATION:

WINTER WARMER PUMKIN SPICED ASGARDIAN MEAD LATTE!

---

FAO: Thor
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: DEAR ALL

Asgardian mead? I am intrigued.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: BUCKY!

Bucky no!

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: BUCKY!

Bucky yes!!! >:)

---

FAO: Thor
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Mmmm

Thor these lattes are divinely delicious. I need 500.

---

FAO: Thor
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Dude no…

Ok no, dude seriously, that was a joke. It was meant to illustrate how much I loved them.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: hey hey HEY

500 mead lattes going spare, drinking competish? :)

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: hey hey HEY

Is your answer to everything a drinking competition?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: hey hey HEY

Yes. #liverofarussian

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Drinking!

Who needs mead lattes when you can have vodka hot chocolates. Fuck this coffee machine is good.

Btw I'm also in on the drinking competition. Just let me finish my hot chocolate. Went to down it and burnt my tongue. :(

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject:”Drinking”

Buck, you know that email you sent to everyone saying I was the bad influence? Really not doing anything to disprove that right now.

---
FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: D-d-d-dance offfffffffffff.

Russian head to head. You and me Barnes. Dining room table RIGHT NOW!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barnes
Subject: RE: D-d-d-dance offfffffffffff.

Technically not Russian but you are onnnnnnnn.

---

FAO: Agent Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: A formal written warning

If you break your arm falling off the table I am not taking you to hospital.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Damages

Ok so, thanks to our latest living room disaster Pepper has now banned us from playing the Wii. Specifically Thor, although the ban extends to all of us so it is “fair”, as apparently we were all “encouraging him”. Luckily I am a billionaire and new furniture is on the way. Also, please note we are currently on a warning for the other game consoles after Bucky threw the PS4 controller out of/through the window. Destroying furniture is one thing but ruining the structural integrity of the building itself is a more serious matter and will be dealt with accordingly by Pepper herself.

Regards,

Tony

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Damages

Aren’t you forgetting the time Thor threw Mjolnir through a wall? That never got dealt with.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Damages

That is a separate incident, which was indeed dealt with and management has changed since then, as have policies on such flagrant acts of vandalism.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: P. Potts
Subject: Bucky

Steve,

Don’t worry, Tony’s just on a power trip at the moment! I know Bucky sometimes has trouble with his arm and he’s already apologised about 500 times for breaking the glass. It’s not like we don’t have the money to fix these things!

Pep x

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Damages

Why are we ordering in furniture? Why can’t we go to Ikea? I want to go to Ikea!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Damages

I am Tony Stark. Tony Stark does not shop at Ikea.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Umm…

What’s Ikea?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Umm…

This awesome furniture store, which also has a massive café that sells really good meatballs.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: RE: Umm…

You had me at meatballs.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: D. Lewis
Subject: AHHH!!

OMG! IKEA TRIP! Count me in. I will be bringing Thor and Jane. They need to update the décor in their part of the apartment. It’s mega lame. Also with Thor there we will finally know how to pronounce the crazy names!!!! :DDDDDD

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Good riddance

If you’re all going then Pepper, Bruce and I are staying in to enjoy the peace and quiet.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: Good riddance

Actually I am going. I need a new bookcase and a chest of drawers.

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Good riddance

I can buy you those! Don’t goooooo!

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: Don’t be such a child

Tony, not everyone wants to rely on your money. Plus I think it would be great fun for all of us.

And their meatballs really are delicious.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: I hate you all.

I refer you back to the title of this e-mail

---

FAO: The Avengers, D. Lewis, Dr Foster, P. Potts
From: Dr Banner
Subject: HELLO?

Ok, guys, where are all of you? You’ve abandoned me. Again. This always happens when we go out as a group. Seriously. I’m in the storage section if anyone cares.

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: D. Lewis
Subject: RE: HELLO?

Heyyy Bruce,

On my way to you. I kind of lost everyone as well. Last I saw Thor was eating, Bucky was playing with some finger puppets, Tony was trying to get into the ball pit (Pepper was yelling) and Clintasha were enjoying a Malm and scandalising the children.

I think Jane is somewhere near you. She wanted to buy a new wardrobe. Don’t ask how the old one broke. Unless you and Tony have invented mind bleach yet.

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts, D. Lewis, Dr Foster
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Successful shopping trip.

Discounted bed and bedding due to “mysterious stains” and “partial structural damage”. >:D
Manager wanted to know how we even spotted the damage and Clint was all “I have the eyes of a hawk”. Fucking smooth. ;D

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: help

Umm. May need some help with my new bookcase… the instructions are… confusing to say the least and I umm… am getting a little angry.

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: help

Oh no. Oh hon no. I am not helping you. It was your decision to buy that flat pack nightmare. Suffer the consequences.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Recent Hulk Out

Just to say that, as mentioned in a previous e-mail, damages to the structural integrity of the building are taken very seriously here.

As such I will be fixing the giant holes in… all of the walls. As apparently I am “entirely to blame, “responsible for the damages” and “an awful friend”.

Regards,

Tony

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts, D. Lewis, Dr Foster
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Food thievery

Which one of you little shits took my fat free organic yoghurt? I will fucking slay you. I need it for my smoothies in the morning. How dare you. I am so mad right now. Do you know how hard it is to keep a clean complexion living in the middle of a city that is full of as many noxious fumes as New York? I NEED my antioxidants people. What you just expect me to eat blueberries and kale without putting them in a smoothie? Is that what this is? Are you questioning my life choices? ARE YOU?

Regards,

Loki

God of Mischief and rightful King of Asgard/Midgard

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Food thievery

Loki,

I think you need to calm down. I just found your yoghurt in the back of the fridge.

Steve x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: Shut up you fucking Dorito.

Calm down? CALM DOWN? That is NOT my yoghurt! That is the cheap brand and omg did you not learn to read you cretin IT’S NOT FAT FREE.

Which means that somebody has eaten my yoghurt and then bought the cheap shit as a cover. Do you really think I wouldn’t notice?

No regards, similar to the thief who showed no regards to my personal belongings,

Loki

God of Mischief and rightful King of Asgard/Midgard

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Steve

Oh dear lord, its yoghurt, get over yourself. If I was your father I’d have spanked you raw with my shoe by now. You seriously need to learn some manners, and if you carry on speaking to Steve that way, you’ll be learning them the hard way pretty damn quickly.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: RE: Steve

Was there meant to be that much innuendo in that e-mail? I really can’t tell if you’re genuinely angry or coming onto me.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Loki

Sooooo, when is Loki going back to Asgard?

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Loki

Yeah. Can we send him back. Do FedEx go as far as Asgard or are we gonna have to build a really big catapult?

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
From: Thor
Subject: YOUR YOGHURT

BROTHER! I APOLOGISE. IT WAS I WHO AT YOUR YOGHURT. I WANTED TO MAKE THE LADY JANE ONE OF YOUR SMOOTHIES, BUT I DID NOT WANT TO DISTRACT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR PEDICURE.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Loki Odinson
Subject: MY YOGHURT!!!

Oh well of course it was you. I see you also didn’t replace my blueberries with the organic kind. I can’t eat these.

UGH.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Thor
Subject: LOKI

FELLOW AVENGERS,

I MUST APOLOGISE FOR MY BROTHERS BEHAVIOUR. HE IS STILL HAVING TROUBLE ADJUSTING TO MIDGARDIAN LIFE AND LIFE WITHOUT HIS POWERS. HE TENDS TO TAKE HIS FEELINGS OUT ON OTHERS.

DO NOT BE TOO HARSH ON HIM. HE REALLY IS VERY LOVELY WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: LOKI

But basically what you’re saying is he’s a dick?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Thor
Subject: RE: RE: LOKI

YES.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Fridge Stuff

Speaking of people using other peoples stuff, can you guys seriously stop re-arranging the food in the fridge? I have no idea where anything is in there anymore.

Also, why do we have a drawer full of cheese?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Fridge Stuff

We’re holding a cheese and wine night. Like proper adults do. :)

Also if it’s your left overs you’re looking for, I binned them. For two reasons:

1) They smelt like dog turd
2) I needed to make room for more cheese

Nat xxx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: Fridge Stuff

We’re having a cheese and wine night? Like adults? Oh god. I’m not ready for maturity.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Halp

Bird buddies are down. I repeat bird buddies are down.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Halp

Aww is my ickle baby bird feeling ill? Mama’s gonna take care of you sweetie. You just stay in bed. I’ll go home via the shops and buy some things for soup.

Currently garrotting a man and then I have some other guys to kill but I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Love you!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: That’s my girl!

Aww mama bird. I love you.

Kick ass, baby.

Xoxo

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Um…

What are you messaging Clint? He’s gone all doe eyed.

You two make me sick. Like totally sick.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Um…

My baby is ill. What’s a mama bird to do?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Um…

Mama bird? SERIOUSLY?

I don’t want to know about what you perverts get up to in the bedroom.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Um…

Oh hon. You have no idea.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: NO

STOP TALKING

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Hey

Just to say, Clint isn’t the only one that’s ill guys.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Hey

I know sugar. I’m getting enough food for both of you.

xxx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: RE: Hey

Cheers Mama Bird.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: YO

Anyone else want anything from the shops while I’m here?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: YO

Can you grab me something with lots of calories in? I’m having one of those days. I need a giant chocolate cake or something.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: YO

No chocolate cake… I can get you a Hazelnut and Coffee Meringue Roulade? It looks really tasty… I may get 4.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: YO

Steve says meringue sounds good.

I would also like to add: Lube, Condoms and Cucumber to the list of things you need to buy.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: YO

Just to clarify the lube and condoms are not for the cucumber. The cucumber is for the salad I will be making to go with dinner.

The lube and condoms are for m

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: YO

Steve pressed send on that before I got a chance to finish. But basically the lube and condoms are fo

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Attention

Please ignore all messages from Bucky.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: YO

Can I get some chamomile tea bags? And some cinnamon. Like the powder not the sticks. In fact no get the sticks. Whatever is cheapest…

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: URGENT

Omg, get flu medicine. Lots of flu medicine. And anti-septic wipes and spray and hand gel.

Oh god.

I just sneezed.

I need tissues. Lots of tissues. And tea and medicine…

THIS TOWER IS FESTERING PETRI DISH OF PLAGUE AND INFECTION!!!!

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Guys

Why is Tony walking round in his iron man suit?

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Guys

I think he’s ill? Or maybe trying to avoid getting ill.

BTW how do you know he’s walking round in his suit? Where are you? And Clint? And why are you not in bed?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Naaaaaaaaaaaat

Tony came into our rooms and sprayed us with antiseptic mist… I think he’s now in confinement in the biolab with Bruce trying to aerosolise antibiotics or whatever and spread them through the airvents or something. But I’m ill so idk…

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Help

I am being held against my will.

Somebody free me. He keeps injecting me with things…

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: A wild Stark appears

Oh dear god.

My ETA is 3 minutes. Prepping my suit now. I estimate Stark will be neutralised within 10 minutes of arrival.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Please Read

Ok, so, I think we have all learned a lot of lessons from this influenza outbreak:

1) If you are ill you WILL REMAIN IN BED (clint!)
2) We do not go around spraying and injecting people with immunoboosters, antibiotics or anti virals
3) Widow Bites hurt and if you fuck with my Baby Birds I will destroy you
4) Steve makes really good “Get Well Brownies”
5) Bucky is not allowed to eat raw brownie mix

I hope we can all move forward from this event, learn from our mistakes and never tell Pepper what happened.

Much love to all,

Nat xxx

P.S. 1 minute and 22.8 seconds is my record. Cheers Tony ;)

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: P. Potts
Subject: Important Information

Dear all,

Ever since a certain someone leaked all of our personal information onto the internet we’ve been dealing with a lot of press. Some of it has been good; some of it bad, but this e-mail is mainly focusing on the aftermath of the leak, seeing as the hype has now pretty much died down.

It has been bought to my attention that what The Avengers really need is a re-brand. Seeing as you are all now public figures we have a unique opportunity to shape our public images. As such we are setting up official Avengers social media accounts on Twitter and Facebook where you can broadcast your good work and interact with the public. I hope you are all on board with the idea, a photographer will be arriving tomorrow for a shoot to get your official profile pictures.

Regards,
Pepper

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Important Information

And what if we already have official social media accounts my love?

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: Important Information

What part of total re-brand did you not understand? You’re getting photos done with the rest of the gang and all of your Twitters are being verified. Also, Stark industries will now be closely monitoring you output on Facebook and Twitter. No more Mr Playboy for you good sir.

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Important Information

But that’s my braaaaaaaaaaand!! That’s why I sell. The loveable playboy, with a sharp wit and a talented tongue. :D

Txx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Important Information

Well, now you’ll be the lovable genius who is sweet and charming and donates lots to charity.

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Important Information

I am officially requesting a re-brand of my re-brand. I can’t work with this. Rubbing in people’s faces the fact you do charity work is cheap and tacky. Also the brand of lovable genius is already occupied by one Dr Bruce Banner.

Txxxxxxxx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Important Information

Oh my god, there is room for more than one lovable genius in the team. Just please let me deal with and don’t mess up the photo shoot too much!

Pep xxx

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Important Information

Can I just ask if this is because of that fake Steve Rogers Twitter account that posts all those stupid pictures of dogs in jumpers?

Cos it’s not the only fake account, there’s also one for Thor’s biceps. They post hourly updates.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: Important Information

Yes this may partly be based on the fake Steve Rogers account. There are other accounts that I won’t even mention because I know you will go and look at them and only get inspired to re-create some of the things they post.

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Important Information

Fair enough, but just as an add-on to Clint’s email that “fake” Steve Rogers account is actually Steve’s real twitter account. Not sure on the Thor account. Could be either or to be honest.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: Important Information

Oh dear god. I’ll get my people on to it right away.

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: This is an outrage

Why am I not allowed to post dog pictures on twitter anymore? I want to be allowed to post dog pictures on twitter. Why can’t dog pictures be part of my brand? I didn’t crash a plane into the ocean and spend 70 years frozen in ice to be told that I couldn’t post dog pictures on my twitter!

Regards.

Steven.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: dear lord

*Insert picture of old man yelling at cloud*

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: dear lord

Shut up Clint! This is about freedom of speech and having the right to express yourself. I will not have my Twitter account censored to exclude the content I wish to share with my followers.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: This is an outrage

Stevie, if the dog photos are that important you can still post them. I’m just asking that you also post some Avengers and Captain America related press on there from time to time to help re-build public relations.

If the dog pictures mean that much to you why not start another twitter account dedicated to dogs?

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: Important Information

What about me? Do I get a twitter and a Facebook? :)

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: Important Information

Of course you can have a twitter and Facebook, Bucky. If it’s what you want. You’re one of the few people whose anonymity wasn’t compromised by the leak, but if you feel ready to announce your presence to the world and start interacting with it again then of course I’ll have my girls set you up an account!

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Thor
Subject: RE: Important Information

PLEASE CAN I GET LOKI A TWITTER ACCOUNT? I THINK IT WOULD DO HIM GOOD TO INTERACT MORE WITH THE MIDGARDIAN PUBLIC.

ALSO I BELIEVE YOU WILL WANT TO VERIFY MY TWITTER ACCOUNT @BICEPSOFTHOR. THE LADY DARCY SET IT UP FOR ME. I POST REGUALAR UPDATES ON THE STATE OF MY MOST MUSCULAR ARMS. TIS VERY AMUSING AND THE GENERAL POPULOUS SEEM VERY TAKEN WITH IT.

MUCH LOVE,

THOR

---

FAO: Thor
From: P. Potts
Subject: RE: RE: Important Information

I can’t even begin to list the reasons why Loki getting twitter would be bad. Suffice to say I will not be allowing him anywhere near social media. And I will have your twitter account verified on the same proviso as Steve, in that you also post some press about The Avengers.

Pep x

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: P. Potts
Subject: Latest updates

Dear all,
With regards to your Facebook pages we are setting them up as I type. They will be linked to your Twitter account so you don’t need to worry about updating everything separately. As previously mentioned these accounts will be moderated for appropriate content. You have children who look up to you, please try to act maturely and with some dignity.

Pep x

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Latest updates

Of course children look up to us. Children are short. Well they look up to all of us except Tony. Because Tony is about their height… :D

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: slow clap

Wow you had to go turn this into a short joke. Well done Barton. Such highbrow humour.

---
FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: slow clap

It’s ok if you want me to explain my jokes Tony. They are pretty high-brow and we all know you can’t reach that high!

Chapter Text

FAO: P. Potts
From: A. Pierre
Subject: Recent Photography Session

Dear Ms Potts,

I am sorry to inform you that I have not been able to complete the job as you requested and that I have returned to you the cheque you sent me because of this. The Avengers are simply monsters and I cannot possibly work with them. They are beasts I tell you! Beasts!!

Many kind regards,

Alan Pierre of Alan Pierre Photography

Making moments last eternity

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: P. Potts
Subject: IMPORTANT

WHAT DID YOU DO?

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: IMPORTANT

It was Tony’s fault. He was being a camera hog.

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: IMPORTANT

It was the damn photographers fault! The idiot couldn’t get my lighting right and he kept shooting me from my right when I told him only the left! My left is my good side!!!

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: IMPORTANT

Pepper,

Please see the attached images for more information on what happened. I think IMG_224 really captures the moment when Tony blew up the lighting and it set Steve on fire.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: WTF?

YOU SET CAPTAIN AMERICA ON FIRE??

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Now now be calm

Oh please he was barely scratched and it’s not like I was aiming at him!

I was aiming at the photographer…

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: You want me to be calm? I want you to act like a normal human being!

Oh dear god. Tony. I can’t even deal with this.

AND YOU UPDATED YOUR COVER PHOTO TO A PICTURE OF THE TEAMS BUTTS? WHAT IS THIS???

---

FAO: P. Potts
From: Dr Stark
Subject: But I love yoooou

It’s trending world-wide! Just drumming up a little positive press for us all! :)

I’m so helpful.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: Don’t you dare try and suck up to me

You are so dead.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: LOOK!

Yay. I made my first tweet guys!

Follow me @SgtBarnes!

Attachment: IMG_29

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Dr Stark
Subject: What the…

Did you just attach a screenshot of a tweet to an e-mail? Oh god why are we even friends.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Shut up Tony

He’s just excited.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Woah guys

Can we please calm down? I don’t want anyone getting set on fire again.

:L

At least it was better than being frozen again, eh Stevie?

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Woah guys

Sam, your ice jokes never have been and never will be funny. Quit tellin’ ‘em or I will ruin your chances with Hill.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: RE: Woah guys

Man shut the hell up! There is nothing going on with me and Hill.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: OMG!!!!!!11111

OMG THERE’S SOMETHING GOING ON WITH YOU AND HILL?? O_O

I KNEW IT!

I’M SO EXCITED!!! Brb texting everyone.

Nat xxxxxxx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: S. WIlson
Subject: RE: OMG!!!!!!11111

I don’t know why I even call you guys my friends.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: lol

But you don’t have any friends to text…

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Banner
Subject: ?

Why are you texting me updates on Sam’s love life?

Chapter Text

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: very important message!!

Happy anniversary my beautiful and most darling wifey-kins

Ickle baby bird xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: message received <3

Happy anniversary Stud muffin!

You all set for the wild ride that will be tonight’s entertainment?

Mama bird

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: ILY <3

Oh hell yes baby. I’m working up a sweat just thinking about it. ;)

I want to baste you in melted butter and lick you clean.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: ILY <3

What?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: ILY <3

Tony stole my phone! That was not me! I swear to god!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov, Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: TELL ME YOUR SECRETSSS

Anniversary of what? You guys getting together? What you got planned? Can we all tag along? Are you going for a meal? Is it gonna be all romantic with candles? Or are we talking more a wild sex romp? If so can you please keep the noise down? Or invite me???

Txxxxxx

---
FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: TELL ME YOUR SECRETSSS

No Tony. It’s not the anniversary of when we started dating, it’s our wedding anniversary. :P

And we have neither planned. We’ve been saving a hidden Hydra cell especially for tonight. The closest we’ll be getting to a romantic candlelit dinner will be roasting marshmallows on Clint’s arrows using the flames of the burning bodies of our enemies.

Ah young love.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: TELL ME YOUR SECRETSSS

WE BE MAKIN SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORES!!

---
FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Aww IBB

Just like Budapest all over again. ;)

---

FAO: Agent Romanov, Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Hold the phone

YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED??? WHAT THE FUCK??????

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts, D. Lewis, Dr Foster
From: Dr Stark
Subject: I CANNOT EVEN.

DID YOU ALL KNOW THAT CLINT AND NATASHA ARE MARRIED????????????????

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: I CANNOT EVEN

Yes. Yes we did.

---

FAO: Agent Barton, Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

When did this happen? Why did no-one tell me? WHY WAS I NOT INVITED TO THE WEDDING? WHY WAS I NOT BEST MAN? WHY WAS I NOT ALLOWED TO ORGANISE THE BACHELOR PARTY?

I am personally offended.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: It was ages ago…

Budapest ’06. We were in deep cover on a mission, one thing led to another and for a variety of reasons we ended up married… never looked back. <3 <3

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: “For a variety of reasons”????

Hopefully the main reason was that you LOVE ME!?

You and I really do remember Budapest very differently… I remember the sights and smells, the way your hair looked as I watched you walking down the aisle. The soft candlelight illuminating the hotel room where we spent our first married night together…

And what you choose to take away the fights, explosions and killing?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: What?

I do remember that stuff. But we’ve had better nights together since then…. Plus that mission was AWESOME and we totally nailed it.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Troo dat

It was super awesome when we set the fireworks factory on fire by accident when that car crashed into it. Best wedding ceremony ever! :D

---

FAO: Agent Barton, Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: B-b-but

Neither of you have explained to me why I was not informed though….

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Dude

TBH we thought you knew… it’s kind of common knowledge.

I did never get a bachelor party though. Which is a shame.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Clint lies

It’s actually because we have a personal vendetta against you.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: THAT’S IT.

I am organising you a bachelor party. End of. I will send you details later.

Prepare to be wowed.

Chapter Text

FAO: S. Wilson, Agent Barton, Dr Banner, Thor, Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes
From: Dr Stark
Subject: YO YO YO

GUYS THE LIMO AWAITS! LET’S GET GOING!

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: YO YO YO

Give me a couple of minutes I need my last round of samples to finish in the centrifuge and then I need to put them on ice.

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: YO YO YO

Now is not the time for science! Now is the time for alcohol!

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: YO YO YO

I can’t find my lucky socks guys… Let Bruce have his extra two minutes in the lab. I need to find my socks.

---

FAO: Agent Barton, Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Excuse you two

We’re gonna be late!

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: BTW

Also just to say, there better be no strippers involved tonight. Tasha would kill me.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: BTW

No for the billionth time no strippers! I got the message loud and clear. Jesus.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Dr Banner
Subject: Clothing????

Where are we going? Smart casual is fine right?

---

FAO: Dr Banner
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Clothing????

It’s a surprise! Now come on. We have reservations to keep! (and yes)

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Party not that bad

Hey Babe, Tony’s actually surprised me! We’re at a really nice sushi place. Back room. All Cigars and Sake so far. Hope your evening is going well!

IBB XXX

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Party not that bad

Aw yeah. Sounds like fun. Lots of wine being drunk at the moment. Been given some interesting presents that we will have to try out later. ;)

---

FAO: Dr Foster
From: Thor
Subject: I HOPE YOUR LADYS EVENING IS GOING WELL

LADY JANE, AS REQUESTED A MESSAGE TO INFORM YOU I AM SAFE AND WELL. WE ARE CURRENTLY LEAVING THE RESTAURANT AND HEADING TO THE BAR. I HAVE ARRANGED FOR A CRATE OF ASGARDIAN MEAD FOR US TO DRINK THIS EVENING. MUCH MERRIMENT SHALL BE HAD!

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Barton
Subject: I can’t hear myself OVER THIS STUPID MUSIC

TONY THERE ARE POLES. THIS BAR HAS POLES. I THOUGHT YOU SAID NO STRIPPERS?

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: I can’t hear myself OVER THIS STUPID MUSIC

Technically they are pole dancers and they are not stripping. Yes they are wearing very little but what little they are wearing will be staying on.

:D

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: I am so sorry

I am so so so so so so so so so so sorry.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: I am so sorry

Did you accidentally break my vibrator or set something important on fire?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: I am so sorry

No.

Tony got pole dancers.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: RE: I am so sorry

LOL

I just got a lap dance from a dude dressed as Captain America.

Go crazy baby bird. Just stay safe.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Yo Sam

I require photographic evidence of my husband receiving a lap dance.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: Yo Sam

Yes ma’am.

---

FAO: Thor
From: Dr Foster
Subject: Hey :)

Hey Thor, glad to hear your evening is going well. How’s everyone holding up with the mead? Xxx

---

FAO: Dr Foster
From: Thor
Subject: RE: Hey :)

LADY JANE, MIDGARDIANS CANNOT HOLD THEIR LIQUOR. THIS IS MOST AMUSING! THE CAPTAIN AND HIS SERGEANT ARE GETTING RATHER HANDSY THOUGH AND HAVE STOPPED PARTAKING IN THE DRINKING GAMES. THEY HAVE NO CONCEPT OF DRINKING ETIQUETTE! LOVE MAKING COMES AFTER DRINKING, NOT DURING! BUT IT IS GOOD TO SEE EVERYONE HAVING SO MUCH FUN.

MISSING YOU GREATLY. WHEN WE ARE BACK AT THE TOWER I SHALL PIN YOU TO THE BED AND WE SHALL FORNICATE LIKE ANIMALS UNTIL WE ARE DRIPPING WITH SWEAT AND SO SATED NEITHER OF US CAN MOVE.

XOXO

---

FAO: Thor
From: Dr Foster
Subject: What

Are you trying to sext me?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Asgardian Mead is the BOMB

Dude, dude, DUDE!

Steve is so fucking drink right now. Omg. Omg. I have to go. Hers pic of clint and dancer. Lol. B prepared for best vid evr.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: S. Wilson
Subject: OMFG

I present a video of Steve Rogers, our nations golden boy, giving out pole dancing lessons to professional dancers.

He’s actually pretty good.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Baby stop dancing and make out with meeeeeeeeeee

Mmmm bb I’m so hot for you right now. But I swear to god if Stark tries to shove one more dollar down your pants I am gonna rip his face off.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: OMFG

Wow. Steve is very athletic. Definitely better than the Captain America stripper the girls hired me…

P.S. the Falcon stripper just gave me his US army themed mankini. Will keep 4 u. Would make good outfit 4 fighting.

Xxxxxxxx

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Hill
Subject: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

NEW YORK IS UNDER ATTACK FROM AN UNKNOWN ENEMY. CODE 5.

ALL AVAILABLE SHIELD AGENTS EN ROUTE TO ASSIST.

---

FAO: Agent Hill
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

We are oN OUR WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Just have to peel clint off the bathroom florr but we are so THERE.

There like a… like a thing that’s there. Like a cat. A cool cat that has laser beam eyes.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Hill
Subject: Avengers assembling?

BTW, just how drunk are you all? Cos I’m pretty sure at this stage the Avengers themed stripper group Darcy hired for Natasha would be of more use than you guys.

---

FAO: Agent Hill
From: S. Wilson
Subject: RE: Avengers assembling?

NAW NAW WE’RE COOL. WE GOT THIS. WE TOTALLY GOT THIS.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: HEllloooooo

Did anyone here explosions? Are they fireworks? Did u get me fireworks tony/ toure such a good frind. Like you’re an asshole all the time but ur actually a really great guy. Thank you for this evring its so much fun. And thers fire everywhere. Its like being back at the carnival. Just so much fire.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Baby Bird

You know I said stay safe? Stay AWAY from the fire. Mamma bird got this.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Baby Bird

You go mamma bird. We’re gonna have so much sex when this is done. Whatever this is. A guy just tried to punch me. I think Tony must have taken us to the dodgy part of town. People are shooting.

Oh look. UR HERE! Mamma bird is here. OMG IS THIS BECAUSE OF THE POLE DANCERS? BABY I’M SORYY. IT WAS TONY NOT ME. IM SO SORRY I LOVE UUUUU.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: D. Lewis
Subject: Warning

Just so you know I have been recording all of this. The headlines tomorrow are gonna be great.

Darcy x

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
From: D. Lewis
Subject: YO

Alrighty then! It is 3 in the afternoon, I trust you are all somewhat sober and not too hung over now, SO! I have gone and made popcorn, pancakes (and popcorn pancakes, with toffee sauce, Thor’s invention, seriously that dude knows his food!) and we are all meeting in the living room to run through the director’s cut of what went down last night. It appears not too much of it got leaked to the press so we’re sort of all good on that front!

Hurry up though! The toffee sauce is fresh and needs eating.

Darcy xxx

P.S. I also have coffee and tea ready and waiting

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: what

My mouth feels like sand paper. My head feels like death. Is this a hangover? I haven’t been hung over in like 80 years…

Help me.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: AND THUS THE HEADLINES READ…

“Hulk: A Little Green Around The Gills?”

“Captain America And His Howling Commandos Howling Back Alley Romp”

“Tony Stark Caught Urinating In Public! Again!”

And my personal favourite: “Hawkeye Hurls On Innocent Bystanders”

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Um…

Steve, just a heads up there’s a picture of me getting a lap dance from a guy dressed as Captain America… people think it’s you.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: Um…

Omg what happened last night? What did I do? What did WE do?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: Um…

Well, first you guys were trying to help fight off the wave of masked gun men sweeping the city, then you guys were making out behind a fire hydrant and next thing you know some reporters from Fox News caught you getting down in an alley way and dirty behind a wheelie bin…

I was very impressed by Bucky’s ability to keep shooting bad guys while still making out.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Um…

I was very impressed by Bucky’s ability to make out… ;)

No but seriously we were caught fornicating on the news?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: I was impressed by your dick…

As is the internet by the way. I watched the video, it’s only a hand job. Nothing too bad.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Why would you ever title an e-mail that?

I think our definitions of bad might be slightly different.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: Why WOULDN’T you title an e-mail that?

Well, sex tape = not that bad, jumping out a plane without a parachute = bad…

So yeah Steve. I guess you’re right!

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: shut up

Oh my GOD. We are not having this conversation again. My head is in too much pain and I need food, but thought of food makes me want to vomit.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: NAtashAAAAAAAAAAA

I appear to be on the floor next to the bed. And a bucket of vomit. Is that mine? Did I do that?

I don’t even have a hangover.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: MAMA

I realised why I don’t have a hangover! I’m STILL DRUNK!

I’m gonna keep going. It’s the only way…

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Heeeeey.

Still on the floor. Was gonna keep drinking but the room is spinning so I can’t move. M’just gonna wait til it stops and then go looking for some alcohol.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: NATASHA!

Check your Snapchat! I found my lucky socks! They were under the bed!

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Baby bird!

Honey no. Just go to sleep ok? If you can't make it back into bed then just stay on the floor. But do go to sleep. I'll come and check on you later.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: UGH

Why are boyfriends so stupid?

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts, Dr Foster, D. Lewis
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: TIS THE SEASON!

You are all cordially invited to come and help me and clint pick out the avengers tower Christmas tree, this afternoon at 3pm. Steve has very kindly offered to carry it back for us. What a babe.
We will be returning for eggnog and mulled wine followed by decorating of the tree and Clint "Firing of the Angel" ceremony.

I hope you all join.

Nat xx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: TIS THE SEASON!

I have a Christmas tree being delivered at lunch time... It comes pre decorated.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: TIS THE SEASON!

What? You mean you don't go and pick one out? What kind of heathen are you? It's tradition God damn it.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: TIS THE SEASON!

I did pick it out. I phoned up the company and said "hello I am tony stark. I would like to order your biggest and most expensive Christmas tree. Thank you."

But yeah, long story short, we don't need to pick or decorate the tree! Yay!

--

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Tis obviously not the season

Boo you whore.

Worst Christmas ever.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: P. Potts
Subject: Tony, you did it again!

Omfg that tree is huge what the hell. It barely even fits in here.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Thor
Subject: TIS A MIGHTY TREE!

A SPECTACULAR SPECIMEN INDEED, MAN OF IRON. IT WOULD DO WELL TO DECORATE THE HALLS OF THE PALACE OF ASGARD FOR WINTER SOLSTICE... WELL, MAYBE TUCKED AWAY IN A CORNER SOMEWHERE. THE PALACE IS VAST AND I FEAR THE TREE WOULD BE DWARFED BY THE HIGH CEILINGS OF THE THRONE ROOM.

KIND REGARDS,

THOR ODINSON
GOD OF THUNDER

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: EEEEEEK!

The bigger the tree the more room for presents! :D

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: About that tree

Uhh, guys the tree is on fire... I mean we do seem to set most things on fire, but even for us this is a new record. It's only been here half an hour.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: About that tree

Yeah, my bad, without an angel to fire at the top of the tree I had to use one of my normal arrows. Turns out it was an incendiary arrow. #oops

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: ABOUT THAT NEW TREE

Oh dear! Looks like we have to go buy a new one! Mittens on and avengers assemble! Also possibly bring your woolly hats. It looks cold outside.

:D :D :D :D :D :D

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Ugh

I can't believe you made us buy that awful runt of thing, with its spindly arms and sickly looking trunk. It's awful and I hate it. Why couldn't we put it behind the other tree I bought?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Ugh

But it looks so cute! :D and your tree doesn't have any decorations on, because you are an awful person and everyone liked my tiny tree better. :P

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: UGH

Arrows and the wire from used Tasers do not count as decorations.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Ugh

What about the paper snowflakes Steve and Bucky made? And Bruce’s little origami animals? Also everyone else has put a decoration on the tree, what are you adding?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: Excuse you

Tony, $50 dollar bills do not count as decorations.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Excuse you

What? I'm just classing the tree up. Now it's worth the same amount as the tree you and Clint cruelly burnt down.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: Excuse you

Shut up and drink your mulled wine, Scrooge. :)

And stop pretending like you don’t love the tree and this totally isn’t the best Christmas you’ve had.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Is that angel meant to me?

Those wings kind of look like my wings...

---

FAO: S. Wilson
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: YES!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D

---

FAO: The Avengers, P. Potts, D. Lewis
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Presents

Guys,

Just as a warning, Sam has been getting Bucky to try out knitting as therapy and he’s been doing a lot lately to make everyone jumpers as a surprise. Thing is he’s not that great at it…so can we all pretend our oddly sized jumpers with wonky Christmas themed images on them are really awesome and that we love them?

Cheers,
Cap x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: Presents

That’s actually kind of sweet. I shall wear my wonky jumper with pride.

Txx

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: Presents

AWW YISSSS I LOVE ME SOME CHRISTMAS JUMPERS. GET THAT MUTHA FUCKER ON ME NOW.

Love Clint and Nat (who is currently curled up in a blanket with wine and therefore unable to type a reply)

P.S Does mine have arrows on it? Clint x

Chapter Text

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: Barnes

I thought he was going to stop with the sweaters but no… he’s moved on to crochet.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: Barnes

Don’t complain. I think it’s cute. I love our new crochet bed spread. He’s even making me a shawl.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Agent Barton
Subject: RE: RE: Barnes

I’m not complaining about the sweaters, the blankets, the hats or the mittens… I just think maybe knitted lamp warmer’s is taking it a bit too far.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Barnes

I personally think the lamps have never looked more fetching.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: What is going on

Hideous. The word you are looking for is hideous. Why are my designer lamps covered in wool?

I’m sure this has to be a fire risk.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Captain Rogers
Subject: Tony

Uhh, I think they’re sweet. They make this place look more like a real home rather than a designer show home. Also, since when have you cared about fire safety?

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: Rogers shut up

I’ll have you know I am very into health and safety. I always take precautions when in the lab. Right Bruce?

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: Rogers shut up

Tony, your lab safety is abysmal. Literally yesterday you tried to drink from a bottle of potassium dichromate because you thought I had finally caved and let you bring your scotch back into the lab.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: Rogers shut up

But it looked like scotch… That’s your fault for not labelling it!

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Banner
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Rogers shut up

IT WAS IN A FOUR LITER SAFETY GLASS BOTTLE WITH A GIANT LABEL SAYING “POTASSIUM DICHROMATE: HIGHLY TOXIC, HARMFUL, CORROSIVE” ON IT! EVEN IF YOU HADN’T SEEN THE LABEL WHO THE HELL KEEPS FOUR LITERS OF SCOTCH IN THEIR LAB?

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Rogers shut up

Oh well excuse me for thinking you had bought me a belated Christmas present… :P

I still think the knitted lamp covers are going too far. I do appreciate the tea cosy though.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Thor
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Rogers shut up

NOT TO INTERUPT THIS CONVERSATION. BUT THE LAMP IN THE LIVING ROOM IS ON FIRE.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: Dr Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Rogers shut up

I told you. I told you all. Health and safety people.

---

FAO: The Avengers
From: S. Wilson
Subject: Guys

It’s ok. I put it out. No damage done, apart from some burnt wool. Bucky’s taking the lamp covers off now… And putting new pillow covers on.

Also if you hurry you can come and see Steve in his new woollen Captain America onsie.

Oh and Steve asks please stop sending group e-mails titled “Rogers shut up” (it’s making him huffy) and also to stop complaining about Bucky’s therapy as it’s hurting his feelings.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: AHH!

I WANT A WOOLEN ONESIE!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: AHH!

I’m making you one at the moment. ;)

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
From: Agent Romanov
Subject: OMFG

:O Does it have little feeties?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
From: Sergeant Barnes
Subject: RE: OMFG

Yes and it will match your bobble hat, mittens and scarf. :D

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: Dinner

Who’s up for ordering take out this evening?

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: RE: Dinner

But it’s my turn to cook!

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: DINNER!!!

I repeat, who is up for ordering take out this evening?

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: PLEASE

Oh god yes. I cannot live through a repeat experience of the “Romanov Experience” Taco Tuesday.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: RE: Please

What’s the Romanov Experience?

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Please

Honey, you don’t wanna know.

---
FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: Take out

To be honest the tacos weren’t the problem… it was when they returned the next day.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Banner
SUBJECT: RE: Take out

I have never before eaten food that was so spicy I hulked out while passing it the next day and I have no intention of ever doing so again.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Take out

Oh come on. Don’t be such delicate little flowers. It was only a little bit of chilli….

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Take out

I take you missed Thor’s jokes the next day about having to re-name the rainbow bridge to the brown-frost then?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: But Naaaat

Also, not just Taco Tuesday, but literally any time you cook for me I end up in hospital or chained to the loo.

Sorry babe. :(

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: BOO YOU WHORES

Ugh, you all suck.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: YAY

Does that mean we can order in Chinese?

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: De-briefings

Dear all,

Just a message, as the team’s tactical leader it is my job to provide briefings and de-briefings. I would like to thank you all for you attention during our briefing meetings, but I would like to address a problem that’s been mounting recently.

STOP NAPPING IN MY GOD DAMN DE-BRIEFINGS.

Next person caught napping gets my shield up their ass.

Regards,
Captain Rogers

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: De-briefings

Maybe if they weren’t so boring we wouldn’t fall asleep.

AMMIRITEGAIS?

Tx

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Thor
SUBJECT: AFTER BATTLE MEETINGS

THE MAN OF IRON IS INDEED CORRECT. DE BREIFINGS WOULD BE FAR MORE ENTERTAINING IF BROKEN UP BY BOUGHTS OF WRESTLING AND DRINKING GAMES. YOUR MIDGARDIAN BEER PONG IS MOST HILARIOUS AND ENJOYABLE.

KIND REGARDS,

THOR ODINSON
GOD OF THUNDER AND PRINCE OF ASGARD

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: Addendum: De-briefings

De-briefings are not going away, nor are they changing. You will suffer them or suffer my wrath.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: Addendum: De-briefings

Well aren’t you captain sassy pants today…

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Addendum: De-briefings

I’m not joking, Tony.

And if my pants are bothering you that much why don’t I just take them off. ;)

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Addendum: De-briefings

That counts as work place harassment! I feel harassed, I’m telling Pepper!

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: De-Briefing

After Starks little e-mail to Steve and Steve's reply (see attached) I would like to remind you all that it is my job to de-brief the captain… if you catch my drift. ;D

Any of you touch him and you’ll see just what my metal arm can do.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: De-Briefing

As an addition to the previous e-mail that second part was not meant to sound as sexual as it did. I meant I would crush you wind pipe or rip your still beating heart from your chest, not anything to do with fisting as suggested by Tony. Who, by the way, has been reported once again to human resources for sexual harassment.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: RE: Your awful de-briefs

You could at least jazz up your power points or something. Like, have you heard of clip art? Or animations?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Banner
SUBJECT: What Clint said

Clint’s right. Maybe try some word art? But seriously, stay away from comic sans. It makes the big guy angry.

Bx

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: I would rather grate my nails on chalk than listen to you talk

All joking and sexual harassment aside, can we seriously just have de-briefs on the Aven-Jet or something? And can we please be allowed to drink during them? I would definitely stay awake if I knew there was scotch available.

Tx

P.S. lmao, did you read the e-mail title? It rhymes.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: You’re an ass

No to all.

P.S. Apart from the title, I did notice it rhymed but I was not impressed. At all. Surely you meant on a chalk board not chalk? Moron.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: Umm

Sooooooo who turned gravity off?

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: Umm

Well, for once I can honestly say it wasn’t me.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: uh huh

Really? Are you sure?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: uh huh

Yes, Steven, I am sure.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: RE: uh huh

Omg, don’t get huffy Stark I was just asking.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: uh huh

Well I was right in the middle of doing work ok? This is a seriously annoying set back.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: Umm

Maybe it was Bruce?

---

FAO: Dr Banner
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: Gravity

Dr Banner? Did you turn gravity off?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: CAP!

Ugh yeah wouldn’t go there Spangles. Big green is currently big and green and floating round the lab… asleep actually. Almost like he’s in stasis. Maybe I should try and wake him up.

---

FAO: The Avenger
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: HEY

Well, while Stark is busy… Where are the rest of you guys?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: RE: HEY

Trying out zero gravity sex. Pretty fun but I really don’t wanna be the one who has to clean the mess up when the gravity is back on.

---

FAO: Agent Barton
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: RE: HEY

That is gross, but ok.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: Oops

Turns out waking up big green was a bad idea.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: RE: Oops

You don’t say?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Oops

Shut up Romanov. What exactly have you done to help?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Oops

Cleaned up the mess clint made in the bedroom and the kitchen.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: I BEG YOUR PARDON

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE KITCHEN?

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: I like men who beg

Clint tried to make coffee. Bad idea, given the whole zero gravity thing. Now he and Thor are playing video games.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: O_o

Wait, Tony did you just fly past us?

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: :D

Uhh yes. #spacesuit

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: >:(

Well can we have a #spacesuit as well you moron. Maybe we’ll be able to fix this mess quicker.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: XP

Oh and please tell me how you intend to do that captain? With your extensive knowledge of physics???

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: ¬_¬

Well, first I plan to punch you in the face. Won’t help the situation but it’ll make me feel better.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: *vomits*

All this back and forth insulting going on between you two, I’m really beginning to think you need to just have angry sex and get it over and done with.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: HAHA

:D OVER :D MY :D DEAD :D BODY :D

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: LOL

Nah, I’m not really into that, Barnes.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: The floor is LAVA!

What the title said

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: RE: The floor is LAVA

Barton, don’t be so childish, some of us are on mission at the moment.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Thor
SUBJECT: RE: RE: The floor is LAVA

VERILY THE AGENT BARTON TELLS THE TRUTH. THE FLOOR OF THE AVENGERS TOWER IS INDEED LAVA.

KIND REGARDS,
THOR ODINSON
GOD OF THUNDER AND PRINCE OF ASGARD

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Banner
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: The floor is LAVA

What Thor said.

Bx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: STARK!

What did you do?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: ROGERS!

Wasn’t me.

P.S. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS BLAME ME?

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Thor
SUBJECT: LAVA!!

T’WAS NOT THE MAN OF IRON. I BELIEVE MY BROTHER LOKI MAY HAVE HAD SOME HAND IN THIS NEFARIOUS SCHEME. THE FLOOR IS LAVA AND FROM IT COMES THE FIRE DEMON SURTUR.

WHILE I AM OBVIOUSLY CAPABLE OF HANDLING SUCH A CREATURE ON MY OWN, I DO INVITE YOU ALL TO JOIN ME IN MERRY BATTLE AGAINST THIS FOUL FOE. T’WILL BE A MOST EXCELLENT FIGHT AND AFTER WE MAY ENJOY SOME ASGARDIAN MEAD AND “GET DOWN TO SOME SICK BEATS” AS YOU MIDGARDIANS LIKE TO SAY.

KIND REGARDS,
THOR ODINSON
GOD OF THUNDER AND PRINCE OF ASGARD

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: A horrible and fiery death!

Umm nah, you know what Thor, I’ve had my fill of glory playing Mario Kart this morning. You go ahead and fight that fire demon yourself.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Banner
SUBJECT: Not feeling too green today

What Clint said.

Bx

---

FAO: Thor
FROM: Loki Odinson
SUBJECT: Screw you

OMG brother, why do you always immediately jump to conclusions and blame me when something goes wrong? This is so unfair. I did nothing.

Loki,
God of Mischief and rightful King of Asgard/Midgard

---

FAO: Loki Odinson
FROM: Thor
SUBJECT: RE: Screw you

IN MY DEFENCE BROTHER IT IS USUALLY YOU WHO COMMITS SUCH ACTS.

KIND REGARDS,
THOR ODINSON
GOD OF THUNDER AND PRINCE OF ASGARD

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: DO NOT ENGANGE

Wait til Sam, Cap and I get back from mission please!

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: DO NOT ENGAGE

Well, Banner and I are kind of busy trying to stop the lava damaging the structural integrity of the building.

Hint: it’s a losing battle

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: Bucky

Has anyone seen or heard from Bucky? He hasn’t been answering his emails…

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: Bucky

Uhhh… I just got back from buying brunch stuff from that cute little deli down the road and err… Why is there a fire demon in the living room?

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Bucky

Lmao.

The Winter Soldier, the world’s most deadly assassin… shops at “cute little deli’s”.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Dude

Check your emails

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: Dude

OHHHHHH RIIIIIIGHT.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Stevie-pie

Was planning a special welcome back from mission brunch. Might be delayed due to lava and fire demon.

Suiting up now, see you at home soon,
Bucky bear xxx

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Thor
SUBJECT: I HAVE FOUND THE CULPRIT

DEAR FELLOW AVENGERS,

IT HAS TRANSPIRED THAT AMORA, THE ENCHANTRESS, BOUND THE DEMON SURTUR TO DO HER BIDDING AND SENT HIM TO MIDGARD IN ORDER TO DESTROY ME FOR NOT RETURNING AMORA’S TEXT MESSAGES.

SURTUR WAS BOUND UNWILLINGLY AND ONCE FREED FROM HIS BONDS WENT HAPPILY BACK TO MUSPELHEIM.

IT TURNED OUT I HAD NOT RETURNED AMORA’S TEXT MESSAGES AS I RECENTLY PURCHASED A NEW MOBILE TELEPHONE AND DID NOT MANAGE TO SUCCESSFULLY TRANSFER ALL OF MY OLD CONTACTS, AND WAS THEREFORE UNAWARE OF THE IDENTITY OF THE YOUNG WOMAN WHO WAS CONTINUALLY TEXTING ME.

AS YOU YOUNG MIDGARDIANS SAY, IT WAS A CASE OF “NEW PHONE WHO DIS?”

ALL HAS BEEN RECTIFIED. MY APOLOGIES FOR THE DAMAGES TO THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF THE BUILDING. I SHALL HAIL SOME DWARVES FROM NIDAVELLIR TO ASSIST IN RE-BUILDING THE TOWER.

KIND REGARDS,
THOR ODINSON,
GOD OF THUNDER AND PRINCE OF ASGARD

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: HELLO

Does anyone know why Sam is running through the common room with Steve on his back, while Steve is yelling “Eagle!” at the top of his lungs?

Is this another insanity inducing pollen or have Wings and Spangles finally snapped?

Txxxx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: HELLO

We’re doing it because we’re best friends and that’s what best friends do.

Sx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: RE: HELLO

We’ve been watching Scrubs. From now on please refer to me as Chocolate Bear or C-Bizzle.

Kind regards,
C-Bizzle

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: UMMM

Lmao I’m telling everyone you said Sam was your best friend. Be prepared to feel the icy burn of winter my friend.

Tx

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Betrayal

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS I HEAR ABOUT SAM BEING YOUR BEST FRIEND?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: You’re not betrayed

Well he’s helped me through a lot. He helped me find you. He’s a really good friend, Buck.

Stevie x

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Yes I am

A really good friend? Or a best friend?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: No, you’re not

One of my best?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Am too

But who’s the actual best?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: NO

Well you are Buck. You know that. You’re my best friend.

Stevie xx

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: YES

BUT DO I? You’re just saying that.

I hate you. You’re being unfriended on Facebook as you read this. And then I’m unfollowing you on Twitter AND Instagram.

From your sub-par friend,
James

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: YOU!

I HATE YOU.

Sleep with one eye open Wilson.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Me?

What did I even do?

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Yes you

Steve said you’re his best friend.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Ayyy Lmao

Well duh. I’m his Chocolate Bear and he’s my Vanilla Bear. Or sometimes Vanilla Cupcake, or just Cupcake for short.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: AHH! Steve Rogers is not a cupcake he is a beefcake

THIS MEANS WAR!

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: You have no power here

What are you gonna do? Replace my cereal with bird seed?

Whatever dude.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: I did not mean that

WAIT NO DON’T REPLACE MY CEREAL WITH BIRD SEED!

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Strike one

Too late

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Please no more strikes

How did you even do that so quickly?

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Fear me

Master assassin. I am proficient in many things.

You picked the wrong guys best friend to steal. This is only the beginning.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Hey Asshole

To the person who has ripped all the sleeves of my shirts (Sam),

Do you really think I care? Steve hasn’t stopped paying super close attention to me since. Your prank backfired.

And can I just say, with guns like these it’s lucky we live in America and I have the right to bare arms.

Bucky

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: RE: Hey Asshole

Who said I didn’t want Steve distracted by you and therefore you distracted by Steve?

Consider this my strike one.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Very clever

What are you gonna do now? Change our shampoo and conditioner to hair dye or something?

You’re boring me already.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Oh you…

You FROZE all my weapons into blocks of ice? Kind of insensitive. I’m telling Steve.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: I expected better from you

Sam really? I think I get enough of the frozen jokes without Buck getting them too. Please don’t engage in any more of these pranks.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: You shit

You hid all my shoes? NICE. At least I still have my slippers and I can just take the lift up to your floor to whoop your ass.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: *slow clap*

OH AREN’T YOU JUST THE SMARTEST LITTLE FALCON THAT EVER WAS.

Cutting holes in all my clothes, nice. Tell me, did you have to watch mean girls all the way to the end to come up with that one or did you just google it?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: You fugly slut!

My wings are pink and so is redwing. How dare you paint my boy like that you utter asshole. I will get you for this.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: What the hell

How the fuck did you manage to knock me out for long enough to paint my arm pink? I mean kudos to you for that, but I will kill you.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: IMPORTANT

DO NOT EAT THE DONUTS IN THE KITCHEN THEY ARE FILLED WITH MAYONAISE!

Sam, Bucky, this prank war has gone on long enough. I am an innocent bystander and I have been caught in the cross hairs of this vicious feud but I will stand it no longer. The moment you mess with a man’s baked goods is a moment you attack him as a person. Consider this your one and only warning to stop. Any more pranks and I am kicking you out of the tower with my iron clad foot.

Tony x

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes, S. Wilson
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: I hate to say this but…

Tony’s right guys, this has gone on long enough. Please stop. You’re both my best friends and I love you both, just in different ways. Can you please, please stop fighting?

Stevie xxx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: IMPORTANT

SHIT TONY! I’M SORRY!

It wasn’t just mayonnaise in those donuts…

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Thor Odinson
SUBJECT: FOOD TROUBLE

HAS ANYONE ELSE PARTAKEN OF THE DONUTS THAT APPEARED IN OUR SHARED LIVING SPACE? THEY TASTED RATHER ODD, BUT IT DID NOT OCCUR TO ME THAT ANYTHING WAS AMISS WITH THEM UNTIL SOME TIME LATER WHEN MY BOWELS HASTILY EVACUATED THEMSELVES AND HAVE BEEN DOING SO EVER SINCE.

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT OTHERS SHOULD NOT PARTAKE OF THE DONUTS IN THE SHARED LIVING SPACE. MERE MORTALS DO NOT HAVE THE CONSTITUTION OF THE MIGHTY THOR AND WILL NOT BE ABLE TO COPE WITH SUCH INTESTINAL DISTRESS.

YOURS TRULY,

THOR ODINSON
PRINCE OF ASGARD AND GOD OF THUNDER

---

FAO: Thor Odinson
FROM: Loki Odinson
SUBJECT: RE: FOOD TROUBLE

LMAO! Are you saying you shat yourself? Oh my god. That is priceless. I need to find out who pulled that on you so I can send them a thank you gift.

Unkind regards,
Loki
Rightful King of Asgard and Midgard

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Steve is giving me “The Face”

These pranks have hurt too many civilians. Dismantle whatever you have left and I’ll do the same.

Bucky

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Well he’s not giving me “The Face”

We’re doing this literally because one of your pranks backfired. I’m not dismantling anything until you admit I won this prank war. Plus did you really think I was stupid enough to eat anything left out on the side at the moment?

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: DUH

Well yeah…

Sometimes in war you have to make the hard choices, go big or go home. I took a calculated risk that I might involve other people. I was just hoping you would eat the donuts before anyone else…

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Screw you

Well you were wrong. And I’m not stopping. So bring it metal man.

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: Uhh guys

Why is Sam dangling outside the common room window?

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: The recent Prank War

I hereby declare Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes (aka Sergeant Sexy aka the winter Smoulder aka the ASSet) the winner of our prank war. I would also like to take full responsibility for any damage done to property or persons during said war.

This message was written of my own accord and in my own words. I was neither forced nor coerced into writing it and I fully endorse its contents.

Signed,
Samuel Thomas Wilson

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: !!!

BUCKY WHAT DID YOU DO TO SAM?

I am so mad at you right now. You’re sleeping on the couch.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Haa

Who’s the winner now asshole.

You’re less of an ASSet and more of an ASS HAT.

Chapter Text

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: The Asshat
SUBJECT: what the hell

How did you change my email address and screen name to “The Asshat”? You’re so going down for this

---

FAO: The Asshat
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: RE: what the hell

Lmao. I am more than just a pretty face.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: The Asshat
SUBJECT: I hate you

Yeah, but not much more. Change it back bird brains.

---

FAO: The Asshat
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: RE: I hate you

You’re just sore because you know that Steve values my friendship more than yours. He even has the friendship bracelet to prove it.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: The Asshat
SUBJECT: You make me sick

You made him a friendship bracelet? What are you? A middle schooler? You are so lame.

---

FAO: The Asshat
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: I love you

Aww Bucky. I can’t believe you made me a collage of photos of us. That’s so sweet. The glitter and feathers really make it. I feel so loved.

P.S. why is your name coming up as “The Asshat”?

---

FAO: The Asshat
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: LMAO

Who’s lame now? ASS HAT.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Hey

Yo Stevie,

I got a spare ticket for the baseball this weekend? You in? Just us. Only one spare ticket. You and me. No one else.

Sam

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: I changed it back! HA

Sorry Sam, Steve is busy this weekend. With me. Just us. No one else. We’re going out on a romantic date that evening.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Sure thing Sam! I have a date with Bucky in the evening, but I’m sure I can catch the game with you in the afternoon. I look forward to it.

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: :D

HAHA!

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: Thank you

Aww Sam! Thanks for the special cookie delivery! Tell your mum I said thanks! :D

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: RE: Thank you

Mama didn’t make them. I did! Just thought you could use a little pick me up. One friend to another.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Thank you

That’s awesome! Thanks man!

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: Umm

Why is there a life sized cake model of Steve and Bucky in the living room? Anyone? Did I miss something?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Cake

Mm. Steve’s frosting tastes good.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: Cake

STAY AWAY FROM STEVE’S FROSTING YOU ASSHOLE!

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: Umm

Also, no one missed anything Clint. I made the cakes statues as a sentiment to the love between myself and Steve. Just me and Steve. No one else. Because we’re the most important person in each other’s lives. And I just wanted to declare that perfectly clearly to everyone.

In cake format.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Baseball

I booked us the VIP tickets the baseball this weekend.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Spa Day

I booked us a couple’s spa day.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Baseball

Make that VIP season tickets.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Spa Day

Spa get away. Long weekend once a month in Geneva. Booked in advance for the next year.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Baseball

VIP means we get to hang out with the teams afterwards.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Spa Day

They have a mountainside Jacuzzi, Steve. Nothing says love more than a mountainside Jacuzzi.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Surprise!

Did you get the books I sent you?

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: From me to you

Did you get my flowers?

---

FAO: S. Wilson, Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: Guyyyyyyys

I am all for the Steve love, but can you please stop charging your shit to The Avengers company card? I’m not made of money…

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: But I’m pooooooooooooor

Yes you are. Now hush.

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: You are literally one of the richest people I know

If you really loved Steve you would be happy to pay for all these things.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: Got you a present

I got the Smithsonian to release your old sketch pads. I’m bringing them up now.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Cheers for the assist, wingman

Thanks for the sketchpads, Samuel. I forgot how many pictures of me Steve drew. And in such compromising positions… :L

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: S. Wilson
SUBJECT: I am not your wingman

Fuck you Barnes.

---

FAO: S. Wilson
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Good, cos I hate you

Nah thanks. I already have Steve for that.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: Steve

Are you ever going to stop them?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: lol

A little competition never hurt anyone. Plus you would not believe how many blow jobs Bucky is giving me at the moment. In between them and the free shit they both keep giving me I am having a ball. I really lucked out here.

Chapter Text

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: MEH

Summer is coming and I am booooooooored.

I feel like my assassin skills are getting lax being stuck in the tower. I need to go and do somethiiiiing.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: MEH

Trump?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: RE: RE: MEH

Hell yes. I didn’t leave the KGB to move to Russia 2.0

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: MEH

Lmao. I just finished cleaning my rifle (no innuendo intended, for once).

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: MEH

Yaaaaaas. Let’s go!

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: Wait

Bucky, as much as I am loathe to say this, you cannot assassinate the president.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: RE: Wait

Why not? I’ve done it before, and by god I shall do it again!

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Wait

Ugh no. You know what, I feel dirty having even said that. You go babe. Do it for all of us.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: OH EM GEE

Wait wait wait.

Did you just authorise the murder cryborg’s extra-curricular assassination plan? Mr Peace, Truth, Justice and The American Way is down for an undemocratic assassination???

Tx

---

FAO: Dr Stark
FROM: Captain Rogers
SUBJECT: RE: OH EM GEE

Well last time I checked the American way included embracing people no matter their race, creed, colour or religion. So yeah.

Also I’m pretty sure most of the world’s population would be ok with this.

---

FAO: Captain Rogers
FROM: Dr Stark
SUBJECT: RE: RE: OH EM GEE

True. True.

Just checking ;)

Tx

---

FAO: The Avengers
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: Super murder fun times

Anyone else wanna join in?

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: RE: Super murder fun times

I feel like overthrowing governments is a Russian pastime so I’ll sit this out babe. I’ll have dinner ready when you get back though.

IBBx

---

FAO: Agent Barton
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Super murder fun times

Aww how sweet. Please tell me I won’t be eating sushi off your naked body again though?

Mama bird xxxxx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Agent Barton
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Super murder fun times

No. Last time was traumatic enough. I mean, it was great to start with, but man it sure was a hell of a way to find out I had a shellfish allergy.

IBBx

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: Putting the ASS into ASSassin

Nat, I finished packing recon gear. You ready to go?

---

FAO: Sergeant Barnes
FROM: Agent Romanov
SUBJECT: Double the ass double the fun

Yeah. Looks like it’s just us, Sashka.

---

FAO: Agent Romanov
FROM: Sergeant Barnes
SUBJECT: That’s the tagline for my autobiography

Nice. Just like the good old days! <3 u Natshenka