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Battle On Top Of A Train

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A train with the initial of a capital ‘Z’ with a lightning bolt struck through was zooming on the mountain tracks at super speed.

Secret Agent Shay Van Buren was going to meet up with mid-level supervillain Dr. Mackenzie Zales, having challenged each other to a duel on top of the train. But, who knows if it was gonna end well…? After some effort, Shay was finally standing firmly on one of the carts, making some serious eye contact with Dr. Zales and her two Henchwomen.

“Well, well, well, what do we have–WOAH!” Mackenzie was taunting Shay when suddenly, the train went over a little bump. “Ugh. Jesus. Oh, God. Uh… fuck. This is really fucking dangerous.” Mackenzie was definitely reconsidering her decision to meet Shay on top of the train. “You know what? Let’s take this downstairs into the train cars. Do this down there.”

“What’s the matter, Zales? Afraid to fight me like a real woman?” Shay taunted.

“No, no I’ll fight you, just–I wanna do it downstairs.” Mackenzie retorted. “We’re on top of a moving train! It’s just–it’s really easy to die!”

“I’m not going anywhere, Zales. We’re doing this now. Here.” Shay declared.

“This is crazy!” Mackenzie protested.

“Uh, actually, ma’am–” Henchwoman Trisha pulled out her trusty Henchwoman Handbook and began reading a page. “According to the Henchwoman Handbook, ‘all train battles should take place on top of the train, so as not to disturb the paying customers onboard’.” The very moment she loosened her grip on the book, it quickly flew away in the wind. “Wh–oh, shit.”

“Don’t worry, boss. I’ll take care of her!” Henchwoman Trisha 2 took one, two steps forward… and then lost her balance when Mackenzie tried to push her a little out of the way. She screamed as she fell off from the top of the train cart, and only in a split second was she still visible. (Don’t worry, lots of Trisha and Trisha 2 henchwomen are cloned daily in Professor Cameron’s lab, so they’re rather expendable.)

“Holy shit!” Mackenzie was completely taken by surprise at the gruesome sight.

“Oh wow. She just–she just popped like a water balloon when she hit the side of that mountain.” Shay remarked with a bit of disgust in her voice.

“Okay, can we please go downstairs??” Mackenzie pleaded, dangerously close to pissing herself out of fear.

“NO. We’re doing this. Right here, right now–oh! Tunnel!” Shay held her tone firm before ducking.

Ironically, despite being the leader and all, Mackenzie was screaming and near crying even louder than her henchwoman as they both ducked to avoid being knocked down by the tunnel.

“Stop screaming!” Shay yelled.

NOO! I don’t like this!! I-this–this is dumb! This is so dumb!” Mackenzie whined as she clung to the top of her cart as tightly as she could. If the tunnel had gone on any longer, her life would’ve flashed right before her eyes.

Finally, “Tunnels over. Game on.” Shay called out and got back up with the rest. “Alright, where were we?”

“No, we’re going downstairs, Shay.” Mackenzie spat her ponytail out of her mouth and began to raise her voice louder.

“Oh, come on!” Shay defied.

“No! I am putting my foot down.” Right after Mackenzie said that, a pigeon flew right into Henchwoman Trisha, and… well, let’s just say that Mackenzie was pretty much even more scarred for life when she realized that she was holding someone’s severed head in her hands (she instinctively tossed it away, shrieking her lungs out, right as the body toppled over and off the train).

“I–yup. That got me.” Shay turned green at the nauseating imagery, and promptly leaned over the side of the traintop to vomit. As soon as all of her stomach contents were completely emptied, she glared at Mackenzie once again.

On the verge of throwing up herself, Dr. Zales became furious. “Whaddya think now, Shay?!” screamed the half-Asian. “Huh?! Whaddya think now?! Her head just got taken off by a FUCKING. PIGEON!!” Mackenzie’s voice was beginning to grow hoarse from yelling so much today. (She also happened to be on the verge of going bald from all the stress of being a supervillain, by the way.) “Do you now believe me that it’s too dangerous to be up here, having a GOD. DAMN. BATTLE!?!” Mackenzie continued screaming.

“No way! You’re fighting me on top of this train!” Shay wouldn’t give up that easily; she always enjoyed the satisfying moment where the hero stops the villain after a long and hard struggle. “Come on, bitch!”

They slowly marched over to one another, and began to throw punches. Mackenzie was a lot more hesitant to even fight, and even tried to tell Shay to not keep going several times. However, neither of them could land any hits on each other due to trying so hard to keep their balances in check. When eventually…

“Dr. Zales! The bridge is out!” Professor Cameron barked from the head end of the train. Thanks to that, the train was going to have to stop no matter what the girls were doing.

“Alright. You know what? Fuck this. I give up. You win.” Mackenzie huffed.

“Wait… what?” Shay did a double take.

“Yeah, I’m calling it. This is ridiculous.” Mackenzie was running out of patience.

“All right! Another master plan foiled by Secret Agent Shay Van Buren!” Shay wooped.

“Yeah, yeah. Can we fucking get down from here now?” Mackenzie said with a strong tone of annoyance in her voice.

“Oh yeah. Definitely. Let’s get the fuck down from here.” Shay was finally coming to her senses.


The mid-sized prison guard escorted Mackenzie into an empty cell, and closed the door up. Dr. Zales had seen and been through it all before, so to her, it was no real biggie.

“Well, Dr. Zales, it looks like that’s the end of your evil career.” Shay declared smugly.

“Yup. You got me. Congrats.” Mackenzie said with a straight face.

“And this time, we’re gonna make sure ya stay in jail, you sick son of a bitch.” The guard promised.

“Alright, well, I’ll see you guys.” Mackenzie said in a surprisingly casual tone.

“See ya.” The guard said as she was walking away.

“Byeeeeee.” Shay replied as she was walking along with the guard.

“…Okay.” As soon as they were gone, Mackenzie crouched down and pulled out the toilet attached to the wall. “Alright.” She crawled into the enlarging secret passage and made sure to seal the wall back up like any good (bad?) girl.

Go Zales, go. Going on way. Escaping from jail like a mastermind. Mastermind.” Mackenzie quietly sang as she walked through the cold, dark travel space until she got to a very familiar-looking door.

When she opened the faux-tree door up, harsh sunlight came bursting through. Mackenzie got out, closed it up, and went through the front door of her house (the escape route was right in her front yard for the sake of convenience). Aah, finally home.

As soon as she went inside, she hung her up trusty handgun on a hat rack, and called out to her wife sitting on the couch in the living room, watching Glee on the DVR.

“Hey honey, I’m home.” Mackenzie cheerfully said to the blonde woman about her age.

“How it’d go?” Brittnay (neé Matthews) perked up and asked her.

“Eh. Got caught, had to escape from prison again.” Mackenzie hung her head in a little disappointment.

“Jesus, Mackenzie. That’s, like, the third time this week.” Brittnay muttered in disbelief as she sunk back down into the couch a bit.

“What can I say, Brittnay? If it was an easy job, everybody would be evil.” Mackenzie defended herself.

Mackenzie headed right to her office, sat down at her desk, opened up her diary, and began to write. She had always made sure to record today’s events in her trusty diary; it helped her get the negative feelings of failure off her chest.

Dear Diary: fuck trains.