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Captain Dr. Zales

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A large submarine, with a large letter 'Z' inscribed on it, was sailing across the ocean floor. Inside the sub was Dr. Mackenzie Zales and her crew of trusty Henchwomen clones. Today seemed like a pretty good day, at least compared to the entirety of the past week or so.

“Captain, we’re about a mile and a half off the coastline.” One of the Henchwomen Trisha said, at the controls.

“Excellent!” Mackenzie, who was wearing a supercool Captain’s hat, proudly said. She turned on the P.A system and held the microphone in her hand. “Attention all crew. This is Captain Dr. Zales. Prepare the torpedoes on the starboard side.” she commanded. Mackenzie then put away the P.A system and exclaimed, “Oh, man, this is so much fucking fun. Hey, how many knots are we going now?” she asked a Henchwoman Trisha 2.

“Thirty-two knots, captain.” the Trisha 2 answered.

“Is that fast?”

“Ehh, it’s pretty fast.” Trisha 2 estimated.

“Alright!” Mackenzie turned to the other henchwomen. “Hey, you guys wanna breach again?”

The crew all shook their heads and grunted unenthusiastically.

“Alright, alright, we’ll do it later. We’ll do it later.” Mackenzie reassured. “Jesus.” She took a deep breath and sighed. “Ah, what a great day. I got this super sweet submarine, we’ve got some sick-ass torpedoes, we’re gonna blow up New York, and, we’re gonna do the whole thing,” She then went into sing-songy mode. “Underwater~!” She then asked “Hey, Trisha 2, how far underwater are we now?”

“Uh, about 100 fathoms, Captain.” Trisha 2 told her.

“Oh man, 100 fathoms?” Mackenzie scoffed. “Is that deep?”

“Eh, it’s pretty deep.” Trisha 2 estimated.

“Yeah, it sounds deep. Whoo! I tell you what guys, I think this is it. I think this is the one. I mean, look at this.” Mackenzie gestured to the whole submarine with her arms. “We’re on a stealth nuclear submarine 100 fathoms–is that correct, Trisha 2?”

“Yes.”

“–100 fathoms underwater. There’s no way anyone is gonna find us here.”

But what Mackenzie hadn’t counted on was that Secret Agent Shay Van Buren, clad in scuba gear, would be swimming after the Z-insiged submarine.

“Hey, hey hey, Trisha. Hey Trisha, can I use the periscope again?” Mackenzie eagerly turned to one of the Henchwoman clones.

“Uh, we–we would have to get closer to the surface.” Trisha replied.

“Well, can we do that?” Dr. Zales asked.

Trisha sighed in defeat, then answered “Yes, ma’am.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Mackenzie said a bit more sternly.

“Sorry. Aye aye, Captain Dr. Zales.” Trisha corrected herself and saluted to avoid making her boss mad.

“That’s right, or else you’ll be working in the galley.” Mackenzie warned. “Which is the kitchen for boats! Did you guys know that?” She asked her crew. “You know it’s called a galley?” Mackenzie scoffed.

“Yes, captain.” The Henchwomen rolled their eyes and responded rather dully.

“I’m the one that told you that.” the Trisha mumbled sadly.

Suddenly, Shay was right inside the submarine (in her normal outfit), stealthily sneaking around.

“You know guys, this couldn’t have come at a better time. I was feeling really depressed, you know? What, with Brittnay leaving me, and all.” Mackenzie sighed as she recalled the events of the sad divorce that happened between them, after a series of betrayals.

Shay quietly entered the main control room of the submarine, where everyone was.

“But now… now I’m just a woman on a boat with her buddies!”

Shay prepared her handgun.

Miles away from Brittnay, or Shay, or… really any of my problems!”

In that moment, Shay fired her gun. But when she did so, there was an excruciatingly loud, excruciatingly high-pitched ringing that blared throughout the entire inside of the submarine. Everyone screamed in pain and covered their ears. The sound went away after a few seconds, but the internal damage had already been done.

“Ah, shit! Uh, my bad, my bad everybody! My silencer wasn’t on! Sorry guys.” Shay yelled, slightly embarrassed.

“Aagh… God, I think my eardrums are bleeding.” Mackenzie moaned in a daze.

“What?” Shay raised a hand to her right ear and shouted.

“Ugh, shut up! God, just shut up!” Mackenzie angrily snapped out of her daze.

"That’s right, everybody put your hands up!” Shay yelled in half-deaf confusion.

"What? What did she say?” Trisha asked.

“What did Trisha just say?” Trisha 2 asked.

“What did Trisha 2 just say?” Trisha questioned.

"I can’t hear anything!” Trisha 2 complained.

"What?” Trisha shouted.

"Huh?” Trisha 2 put a hand up to her ear.

"Who said that?” Trisha held both her arms up in an "I don't know" gesture.

"Stop. Yelling.” Mackenzie interjected.

"WHAT?” Shay raised her voice.

Mackenzie took a hand off her ear and looked at the palm. There was red blood that had spilled out onto it. “Aw, Jesus.”

Shay put the silencer on her gun, and shot the Henchwomen clones dead. (But don't worry, the professor always grows more daily). “Ah, that’s better.” she smiled.

“Well, well done, Shay.” Mackenzie sarcastically congratulated. “Not only have you stopped my master plan, but you’ve obliterated my fucking eardrums!” yelled the half-Asian.

Shay suddenly gained a dark expression on her face. “Listen, Zales.”

“What?”

“LISTEN! I don’t care about your master plan right now. We need to talk.” Shay’s tone was quite serious.

“Talk about what?” Mackenzie demanded.

“You gotta get your wife back, man! She’s driving me fucking crazy!” Shay exclaimed.

“Is that why you’re here?” Mackenzie was dumbfounded. “Did you infiltrate my sub, and then kill all my henchwomen, just to tell me that?”

“Uh, yeah.” Shay’s answer was very blunt.

“Let me get this straight. Are you seriously asking me to take back the wife that you stole from me?” Mackenzie’s eye twitched.

“Oh, yeah, I stole her. Yeah, that’s right. That was my plan." Shay mockingly said. "‘Oh, hey Britt, uh, why don’t you move into my sweet-ass apartment, and ruin my fucking life?!’ Does that sound like something I would say?! Hmm?! Does it, Zales?! Is that how I talk?! DO I TALK LIKE THAT, ZALES?!?” Shay was screaming right in Mackenzie’s face now.

“…Wow. I’m sorry, Shay. I’m so sorry that my wife moved out of our house and left my life in shambles. I’m SO sorry!” Mackenzie oozed with sarcasm.

"Alright, so here's the plan--" Suddenly, Shay sniffed the air. “Oh my god, what is that smell? Jesus, Zales, did you fucking beef in here?” she exclaimed as she plugged her nose.

“No. No, I didn’t beef in here, you idiot.” Mackenzie pointed to the (still kind of warm) Henchwomen corpses. “It’s all these Henchwomen. They shit themselves when they died.”

“Wait, what? That happens?” Shay was genuinely surprised.

“Shay, you’ve killed hundreds of people. Are you not aware that people evacuate their bowels when they die?” Mackenzie was totally mystified by how oblivious Shay was.

No! I mean, I don’t usually stick around, sniffing dead guys’ butts, weirdo. By now, I’m usually–I’m usually fucking some hot widow.” Shay semi-explained. “So wait, these guys all just shit themselves?”

Yes. Now let’s get the fuck outta here before–” Mackenzie was cut off by a huge torrent of cold saltwater pouring into the room that they were standing in. “Oh, what the hell?”

“Aw, shit, Zales. I think your boat has a hole.” Shay began to panic, now well aware that they were suddenly sinking somewhere in the middle of the ocean.

"How is that possible?” Suddenly, Mackenzie got a strong feeling that she would be incredibly pissed with the obvious answer, but she asked the question anyway. “Shay, how did you get on my submarine?”

"Oh, I just-I took a welding gun, and I popped a hole in the side, and then I–” Shay’s eyes widened as her brain fully registered her actions. “Ah, shit. Yep. I-th–I figured it out. I did it.” Shay mumbled as she hung her head.

“Well, this is great, Shay.” Mackenzie and Shay clung onto the metal pipes on the ceiling with their arms and legs and hung on for dear life. “Now, we have to escape from what is essentially a giant, unflushed toilet.” After Mackenzie said that, she then sighed. “So, you wanna swim through the shit first, or should I?” she asked Shay.

“I’m gonna be honest. I-I’d kinda rather be here than at home with that nightmare on wheels you call a wife.” Shay confessed. “Ahh, poopy body! Poopy body!” She pointed to a floating Henchwoman corpse.

Shut up.” Mackenzie emphasized as she shook her head.


And so, Diary, I may have ended today half-deaf, trapped in a sinking can of human feces… but on the bright side, it does sound like I’m doing better than Shay Van Buren. …That fucking piece of shit. Mackenzie wrote in her diary.