Your love's a gathered storm I chased across the sky
A moment in your arms became the reason why
And you're still the only light that fills the emptiness
The only one I need until my dying breath
And I would give you everything just to
Feel your open arms
And I'm not sure I believe anything I feel
And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here
Alex had literally drowned before. But this was nothing like it. It didn't seem to come to an end. Because the last time she was drowning, the woman she loved was there to save her. But this time, she was drowning because she wasn't there. And Alex had to get on with her days. With her nights. Alone. Without Maggie. Like it didn't hurt.
They still talked. They just couldn't do otherwise. They had been friends, then girlfriends, they became best friends along the way, then finally fiancée and before they could call each other their wives, it all ended. Amicably. Or so they pretended. It was so much worst than if it had ended badly, because they knew they loved each other, there was no question in that. But for some reason, for that reason, they couldn't be together. So, they ended amicably, like it didn't hurt.
Alex wasn't there when Maggie packed her stuff. She couldn't, physically, be there. She would have fell right then, just like when she fell in love with her. So, she wasn't there when Maggie left with every leather jackets, every boxers, every books and honestly with every part of her, only leaving memories. Because they had already said goodbye. Already had touched and kissed for one last time. And Alex knew she'd never get enough. So, she had let her go, like it didn't hurt.
The hardest was not knowing if--when Maggie went home alright. With the jobs they had, she couldn't help but worry. And now, she didn't have the right to expect a text every night. The first three weeks, they had wrote to each other before going to sleep, to ease the other woman's mind. After a month, Alex had asked Kara to keep an eye and a ear out when she was out patrolling. From then on, Kara had been the one to text her before bed, to reassure her that Maggie was home safe. Alex missed holding her more than anything. Missed the calm, the comfort they gave each other. She missed burying her nose in her hair. She missed feeling her dimples against her cheek when she smiled. So, she still waited by the phone, forever silent, like it didn't hurt.
It didn't feel right to wear the Hello Sunshine t-shirt. As if it wasn't hers anymore. Just like Maggie she guessed. But she wore it anyway, hoping to get the last remnant of her scent. She wore it anyway, like it didn't hurt.
And I'm trying to believe
In things that I don't know
The turning of the world
The color of your soul
That love could kill the pain
Truth is never vain
It turns strangers into lovers
And enemies to brothers
Just say you understand
I never had this planned
Alex was in her car in front of a red brick building, calculating how many apartments there were in it. How many people lives there were. And how only a few mattered to her. It was raining hard and Alex cursed and thanked the world. She couldn't handle the sun lately, not needing the earth to show it was still turning, but the coming storm was down right depressing. She was on the phone with Maggie. She had called needing informations on a loose infernian. But now the conversation was drifting over personal matters. How were the superfriends? Is the bonzai tree still alive? Are you okay?
Alex shook her head wincing regretting telling Maggie that Kara kept setting her up with random girls. There was a silence on the other side.
"And how is that going?" she heard the woman said slowly.
Alex swallowed and sighed.
"I'm...really not in the mindset for this." admitted the agent.
It had been three months since they ended their relationship and Alex knew she was far away from being ready to meet other women. Maggie was still in every fiber of her being. The brunette cleared her throat.
"Well, you should take the time you need but, you know eventually..."
Alex was biting her lips but still couldn't stop herself from cutting Maggie.
"There's no rush..."
It was Maggie's turn to cut her off.
"Al, I met someone."
Alex almost dropped her phone. She put it away, a moment, a hand over her mouth. She felt a quiet sob shaking her whole body. She drew the phone back on her ear.
"Al, you there?" she heard Maggie said.
The agent tipped her head down, playing with the zipper of her jacket as the rain fell harder on the top of the roof of her car.
"I... tell me you're lying." she pleaded with the smallest voice.
She heard Maggie inhaled deeply, shakily.
"If it's true. Fine." It wasn't. "But if it's not and you're just trying to push me into meeting someone else then please, tell me you're not breaking my heart over a lie."
Maggie wimpered and Alex knew it meant she hadn't met someone else. She knew Maggie was hurting as much as she was.
"Alex, I can't move on if you don't.."
The words move on left a burning stamp in her stomach.
"I can't...I don't want to, I don't...I want...I want you, Maggie. That's all I want."
Alex could feel Maggie's breathing change. It was fast and almost angry, then it calmed down and was ever patient.
"That's not all you want, Alex, and we both know that."
Alex shook her head for the millionth times in the past few months as she heard the strenght in Maggie's voice. The way she said it, holding onto that fact. Holding on to the reason why they were in this world of pain.
"I know what I said, but Maggie...I don't...want any of this if I don't have you."
She could see it. She could see Maggie sitting on her couch, pinching her nose, holding the phone too tight. The agent knew she wasn't being fair. She was making this harder. But what was harder than having their heart being ripped out of their chest constantly?
"You say that now but with time you will.."
"No. I've been thinking about it over and over again. I've been so miserable without you. " Alex's voice cracked "And I realized that...kids...I wanted them with you. But you don't and that's okay. It's okay. I'm willing to accept that, I just can't accept that we're done because of this."
Maggie sniffed and Alex felt the urge to see her. To wipe away her tears away.
"I don't...I'd never expect you to give this up for me, Alex."
Alex knew Maggie. Knew the girl wasn't selfish. Specially not with her. But she also knew that if she had listen to her heart and not her head that day, she would have gladly throw her morals through the window and do everything she could to work things out. She had seen how much it had cost her to tell her she didn't wanted to stand in her way of happiness. But Maggie was the only reason Alex knew what it was like to be happy.
"I know that. You're too good for that." Alex replied tiredly. "But it's not that I want to give it up, I just don't want to give up everything we had."
Maggie didn't answered her but it didn't mattered. Alex wasn't ready to give up this time.
"Back then, breaking up seemed like the only option, but what if it's not?" she insisted.
"You think I don't want to give in?" finally lashed out Maggie "that I don't want to just be in our...in your apartment? In your arms? I do, Alex, I do..."
Alex stopped breathing at the words I do. They could have said it at their wedding by now.
"...but this is the right thing to do."
The agent felt the cold spreading over her body. She scratched off a layer that threaten to fell of the wheel.
"The right thing to do? For who?" she questioned almost harshly.
Half a heartbeat and a thunder later.
"You. For you."
My head lies to my heart
And my heart it still believes
It seems the ones who love us are the ones
That we deceive
But you're changing everything
You're changing everything in me
Alex bit her lips letting out a wet laugh, taking a decision. She got out of the car, waited for the street to be empty before running toward the red building. She took cover under the small roof.
"You know I'm not good at doing what's right for me. And if this is wrong, then I never want to be right again. You know how much I love to be right, Maggie..."
She laughed some more as the tears fell down in rythm with the rain. Someone opened the main door and Alex rushed inside.
"...but in this case you're wrong. You're the one for me. I know you are." she swore as she climbed up the stairs two steps at a time.
She stopped suddently as she heard Maggie whispered:
Alex held on to the wall, a hand on the yellow paint, then her forehead. Alex cried quietly, laughed even quieter, her smile twisting, faltering always. Her heart was pounding so hard, Alex felt dizzy.
"I love you..." she breathed out, struggling.
Alex didn't waited for the rest of it. She almost ran to Maggie's door. Once in front of it, she braced herself on it, her phone now in her jacket. She was hot and cold altogether. She raised her hand and right then she knew she was doing the right thing. She knocked. The agent dropped her arms down. She had jumped off the DEO balcony but this was definitely more vertiginous. She waited, like it didn't hurt.
The door finally opened. And Alex didn't knew what to expect. To not recognized Maggie for some reason. As if the time they weren't together would have changed them outside just like it had inside. But in front of her stood the same most beautiful woman she ever laid her eyes on. Maggie was dumbdounded as she swirled the door open, her hair flying over her shoulder. Her endless eyes, big and teary and surprised, not quite believing what she was seeing. They both took a deep breathe as they saw each other for the first time in months. Like it didn't hurt.
The detective took a step back as Alex entered the apartment and closed the door behind her. Alex never took her eyes off of her, not even noticing the unopen boxes, laying all around her. The agent wasn't sure what to think of Maggie's reaction, but right now, she was sure of one thing. And it was her feelings for this amazing woman. She stepped forward even more, with determination, as Maggie backed up against the back of her couch.
She lifted her fist against Alex's shoulder as she got closer enough to reach her, as if she wasn't ready to touch her again but wasn't able to not do it anymore. Maggie kept her eyes on the floor hiding her tears, but her whole body gave her away. Alex took the detective's face between her hands, pushing her beautiful soft hair behind her ears, lifting it to meet her eyes once more. Oh, how she had missed it all.
"I can't do this if you're not gonna be there tomorrow" cried Maggie shaking her head.
Alex copied the movement feeling her own tears continuing their fall as she caressed Maggie's damp cheek.
"I'm gonna be there tomorrow and the next day and the day after that until we're old and gray." vowed Alex confidently despite the sob that was threatening to wreck her.
"Because I spent enough nights apart to know that I never want to spend another one without you by my side."
Mggie sobbed, her fronthead on Alex's cheek, trying to breathe her in, to make sure she was really there. She was grabbing the back of her hair, the other around her shoulder. They hugged for what must have been a lifetime before they took a barely there step back, their whole body still touching. Maggie's eyes drifted down to her thin pink lips, then down to her smooth neck, where laid both of their rings through Alex's favorite necklace. Her eyes flew back to Alex's, surprised.
"You're the love of my life and I'm never letting you go again. You are my family, Maggie Sawyer. You're all I need." whispered Alex with wide-eyes and bit lips.
Maggie smiled for the first time in ages, her dimples appearing, as her chest was about to explode. She tightened her hold on Alex's hair, getting impossibly closer.
"I love you too, Alex Danvers."
Alex cried through her smile nodding.
"Yeah." assured Maggie.
Maggie tiptoed as Alex lowered her chin, their lips meeting in between as they held on to each other. Fireworks didn't went off, but the stars were finally aligned. It was their undeniable truth, they were meant to be. The rest be damned.
They kissed and they kissed, they cried and they cried, they laughed and they laughed. And God, it didn't hurt.
And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here