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황색

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Yoongi makes his way through the university campus, winter’s coming and he couldn’t be happier right now. He sends a small smile to Namjoon as he walks into the small studio they share, toeing the snow off of his boots. The two don’t talk much, considering both of them are busy enough as it is.

He can’t help but bring his thoughts back to his apartment in the middle of Seoul, with Taehyung. He finds himself missing him more and more, and since finals all those months ago he’s kept true to his words by being sure to be home every night for dinner. He doesn’t hide himself away anymore, he doesn’t feel a need to, but now he’s getting to a bad spot again.

It had never gone away, and his age regression can only do so much to handle it, depression is like a black cloud. It hurts him and the other people around him, it causes him to feel nothing but empty as he works away endlessly on his projects. He had been told of his worthlessness by so many people, even his family that he thought would support him through anything, when he explained what he wished for in life, who he was, they’d shut him out to live alone on the streets of Daegu and so he’d moved from couch trying to make a name for himself through rap. He had no one then and the things he’d do just to get a roof over his head for a few days were nothing to be proud of, but he had survived, and that had been when he’d first met Taehyung.

Those were hard, hard days and he remembers how nice and accommodating Taehyung and his friends had been at the time, but it had only taken so much until they realised something. He’d wound up with a psychologist coming to visit him during the first week he was there, they’d ended up diagnosing him with what he already knew, depression and social anxiety. And maybe, looking back on it, that’s why he throws himself into the headspace of a toddler, because back then he knew what it was like to feel loved and worth something, he wasn’t shunned for his sexuality, he wasn’t shunned for loving music, he was loved, and he didn't understand anything then either.

“Hey, snap out of it.”

Yoongi looks to the door and sees Hoseok roll his eyes at him before turning back to look at his equipment. Namjoon doesn’t even bat an eyelid from where he’s staring at his phone screen.

“What is it, Seok?”

Yoongi lazily rolls his head to look at Hoseok and sees him holding out a coffee for him, an americano and he can’t help but smile softly at the warmth between his palms as he stands up and takes the small styrofoam cup.

“Catch ya later Yoongi.”

“See ya round, don’t work too hard.”

“Coming from you!”

He places the coffee next to his equipment and he waits for everything to boot up and reaches for his headphones, their soft and plush against his ears and he licks his lips as he waits for everything to start. He watches Namjoon send him a small wave from the door before he leaves Yoongi alone, giving him some quiet to possibly record some tracks, either for himself or for his end of year project or maybe a bit of both.

He opens one of his current projects and he leans his head back against the chair as he opens the folder, allowing the track to load and he starts humming to himself as he does so, taking a sip of his coffee and he doesn’t feel his phone vibrate in his pocket. In fact, he completely forgets about it as he immerses himself in his music, everything else drowned out apart from the soft bass notes playing through his earphones.

 

*~*

 

Taehyung has no idea what he’s doing waiting like this, he’d called Yoongi at least five times but he knows how the other can be around this time of year. Winter is never good for him, both of them know that but it’s never something that he’s never acknowledged. It’s the time of year when the two of them had met, and the time of year that Yoongi had been out of a home and Taehyung just happened to have an extra room to spare and parents who were out of town for a while. Yoongi had been lucky to find Taehyung when he did. He's at the small coffee shop across the road from Yoongi's university campus with a caramel macchiato and two pieces of cake in front of him for when Yoongi finally decides to call him back.

 

Yoongi stretches out his back, realising that he’d completely zoned out again, getting completely immersed in everything. Of course he’d forgotten about his phone, when he picks it up his heart freezes and he can’t help but feel slightly worried because Taehyung will most likely shout at him.

Though he knows that he won’t shout, knowing Taehyung he might be a little passive aggressive but he can handle that. He slides his thumb across the screen, looking at Taehyung’s name as it flashes across before he puts his phone up to his ear.

“Min Yoongi get over here right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve called you five times, and you didn’t pick up, why?”

“I-I was doing my work, I got a real good beat goin Tae and I got so many lyrics written out, shit, this one’s gonna be so good, I promise.”

“Is it more important than your health, baby?”

“Yeah, yeah it is.”

“Wrong answer, come get something to eat okay? Then we’re going home.”

“Okay, okay, lemme just finish up here, yeah?”

 

He walks through the door of the cafe and sees Taehyung sitting at the front window, where they usually sit. He likes it because it’s calmer there, and it allows him breathing space if he needs to calm down, he likes people watching, sometimes he goes without Taehyung. Though, the other usually won’t let him out of his sight, which can be annoying but it’s cute so he doesn’t actually mind all that much.

Especially around this time of year, he still feels as heavy as he had when he’d woken up this morning.

He loves and hates winter, he loves it because the wind is just cold enough for him to start wearing his big jackets and sweatshirts, allowing him some comfort in daily life out of their apartment, it brings memories of a fresh coffee on the table every morning and sickeningly sweet pancakes. It also brings memories of cold and homelessness, lonesomeness and despair. He always thinks about what it had been like back then, he’d felt so small in a big world. He doesn’t start conversation with Taehyung and just looks out the window, biting on his bottom lip and his left knee jerking up and down and he feels Taehyung’s hand rest on his thigh and there’s that smile, that soft reassuring smile that makes him weak and causes him to lose his breath.

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay, I’m right here, we can go home if you want.”

“Nah, I can stay, I can stay, it’s been a rough day.”

Taehyung only hums in understanding as he sits back and he allows Yoongi to look out the window again, there’s slush instead of snow covering the ground, and he wants proper snow, he wants snow to fall from the sky and cover the streets in white. He finds the snow calming, even though it shouldn’t be but it’s the only good memory he has from those times.  He sees a man and a girl walking through the street, close together and he feels his heart aching, his eyes trail them as they walk, their arms linked and whispering into each others ears.

“Yoongi, let’s go home.”

He doesn’t want to leave but when Taehyung tugs on his sweater he can’t help but say goodbye to his small haven, leaving the smell of coffee and sweets behind him as he walks out into the cold weather, not at all prepared to face the chill that hits his face. He feels something clawing at his insides, almost begging him to be let out and he feels the heaviness that’s been in his limbs and head all day pulling him down.

 

Taehyung knows that Yoongi’s struggling, that his depression is at it’s worst, he can tell by the way his movements seem slower, he seems fine to a lot of people. He knows Yoongi though, he knows when he’s suffering and he knows when he’s pushing himself away from Taehyung. He never says anything about it though, he lets Yoongi work it out himself, because he knows that Yoongi hates to feel weak, which is another reason he hides away from him when he’s little sometimes.

The two make their way home, slowly moving through the streets, there isn’t much said between them and Taehyung can see the way that Yoongi keeps zoning out. He can see his knees and arms shaking so he quickens the pace as snow starts to fall softly, he can see Yoongi smiling softly at the sight of the snow.

 

The two arrive home and it isn’t too late and as soon as they’re through the door, Yoongi runs from Taehyung to his bedroom, he can hear small giggles and hums coming from it as he moves through the apartment, packing things away and cleaning everything up so Yoongi doesn’t end up hurting himself. When Yoongi comes back out he’s holding his favourite plushie, a small worn out black cat with amber eyes, the only thing that he has from Daegu. He’s wearing an oversized baby blue sweater that goes down to his mid-thigh, his pale skin looking soft against it,  he’s got a frown on his face and his eyes are welling up with tears.

Taehyung moves closer towards him and he sees Yoongi pull his stuffie in closer, Hobag they’d called her, meaning amber like her eyes, she didn't have a name when she’d found her way into his and Yoongi’s life. He feels a soft tug on his t-shirt, and smiles softly at Yoongi.

“What’s wrong, little prince, hm?”

Yoongi just pushes hobag towards him pointing to a scratch in her ears, a small hole in the plushie, causing white stuffing to be on show.

“Daddy c-can fix that?”

He’s almost crying, unshed tears in his eyes as he pushes his bottom lip out more, not saying anything. Of course he isn’t saying anything, Yoongi finds it hard to speak when he’s little, he’s very quiet sometimes and Taehyung finds it adorable.

 

Yoongi likes being like this, because he knows that Daddy understands, he knows that he’ll always listen and look after him. Taehyung would never treat him like all those bad people, he’ll never hurt him and he’ll always make sure he’s happy. That’s all he wants but he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t know why, so maybe Daddy can make it better, Daddy can always make it better.

“Oh sweetie…”

He feels Taehyung’s hand against his cheek and he can’t help but move closer into his touch, forgetting about everything bad that’s happened to him. He doesn’t want to remember the bad people, he doesn’t want to, not anymore. He doesn’t want to feel sad anymore, he just wants to feel happy and daddy makes him happy, so why is he still sad?

“Shh it’s okay baby, daddy’s here baby, daddy’s here.”

He feels himself be picked up and put on the bench, he feels Hobag put back in his arms and he cradles her close to his chest, he doesn’t feel himself crying. He just reaches out for Taehyung, who doesn’t leave him, who'd never leave him.

“Daddy, b-baby h-hurts”

He feels soft kisses pressed to his forehead and all over his face, he clutches Hobag closer to his chest and he screams when he feels Taehyung move away from him. He reaches out only to feel nothing and he feels everything closing in, he feels alone, small and alone and he just wants Taehyung.

He hears something placed gently down on the counter next to him before he feels himself picked up, he instinctively wraps his arms around Taehyung’s neck and sobs into his shoulder, his tears drenching the back of his shirt as he cries out.



Taehyung knows exactly what’s going on, he knows that Yoongi usually goes into little space as soon as he gets home, which is why he hadn’t been fussed when he’d slinked off to his room when they’d gotten home. But he also knows that sometimes his little space doesn’t help him at all, sometimes it’s too overwhelming even then and Taehyung knows exactly what to do, it may hurt him to hear Yoongi crying right now, but he needs to help. The first thing on his list is to get Yoongi a warm cup of milk in his favourite white sippy cup, then he’ll get his pacifier out and then he’ll fix Hobag after tucking him under the blanket he always leaves on the couch, and then he’ll let Yoongi choose a movie for them to watch. He has an absolutely massive movie collection that he’d bought for Yoongi when he’d first noticed that he enjoyed Disney and Pixar films, so of course he’d gone out and bought as many as he could.

He rubs Yoongi’s back softly with one of his hands, his other somehow managing to support his whole weight, he doesn’t need to carry him often but he always realises how light Yoongi is in his hold.

“Alright sweetie, I’m gonna take care of you tonight okay? I’m gonna put you down now, okay?”

“I don’t w-w-wanna be without D-Daddy.”

“I’ll be right here little prince, but I need both my hands, okay?”

He puts Yoongi back down on the shelf, leaving him with Hobag. He reaches down underneath the counter, pulling out Yoongi’s sippy cup, leaving it out before getting the milk out of the fridge. He pours out just the right amount and puts the lid back on, he hears Yoongi behind him and sees him looking expectantly at the small cup.

“Ch-Chocolate too Daddy…”

“Whatever you want baby.”

He gets the chocolate powder out of the cupboard and puts around two spoonfuls in before leaving it in the microwave for around thirty seconds.

“Alright baby, you wanna go get tucked in for a movie night with Daddy sweetie? You can choose whichever ones you want!”

Yoongi just nods eagerly and sends Taehyung a small smile through his tears. Taehyung takes Hobag from his hands, putting the soft plush toy into his jacket pocket, just so his head is poking out so Yoongi doesn’t think he’s suffocating.

He can hear the microwave beep as he unfolds the small blanket at the end of the couch, taking Hobag from his pocket and leaves her with Yoongi. He’ll come back with the sewing kit soon. He kisses Yoongi softly on the forehead before moving back to the kitchen, quickly getting the sippy cup out of the microwave, mixing it around with a spoon and then puts the lid on top. He leaves it on the countertop and quickly runs to Yoongi’s room (he never sleeps in it, Yoongi just likes having it for comfort).

He grabs the pacifier from the small bedside table, the sewing kit’s on top of the book shelf in the small living room, so he can easily get that when he goes back. He doesn’t bother getting Yoongi anything to eat, he probably isn’t hungry and he can hear him getting restless and talking to Hobag. So he sings quietly to himself as he walks back into the living room, smiling softly down at Yoongi who looks like he’s about to fall asleep at any time.

“Hey baby, I’ve got something for you!”

Yoongi is just as sleepy when he’s little as when he’s big and so all he does is smile lazily at Taehyung, taking the small sippy cup from him.

“Now, you’re not gonna like this, but we’re gonna have to perform surgery on poor Hobag here...Don’t worry, she’ll live and you’ll get to cuddle her again very soon baby, Daddy’s just gotta fix her ear, okay?”

Yoongi hands her over and Taehyung walks over to the bookshelf in the corner, reaching up to grab the small sewing kit, when he walks back over Yoongi’s got a DVD in his hands with a gummy smile on his face.

“What’d you choose baby?”

“Happy feet!”

“Mm, that’s one of your favourites isn’t it! It’s one of Daddy’s as well!”

Yoongi cuddles down into his blankets as he goes and puts the movie on, he then moves back to his seat in front of Hobag, quietly sewing the small hole in her ear back together. He gets lost in the work and he grins at his handiwork when he finally finishes, hiding her behind his back and turning towards Yoongi just as the opening credits are about to end.

 

Yoongi looks adorable, his eyes glued to the TV and his sippy cup hanging from one hand as he immerses himself in the penguins and rhythms from the movie, Taehyung moving slowly so as not to put him back into the state he was in earlier, he’s not crying anymore and that is enough to bring him some type of solace. He hates when Yoongi’s sad, he hates it when he has a bad day due to his depression and anxiety, and he hates this time of year because it’s so difficult for Yoongi to find his footing around now. They’ve gone through it for two years now, and he knows they can do it a third time.

He loves these nights, where he gets to shamelessly love, cuddle and pamper him, looking after him, giving him soft kisses and whispering cute things into his ears, and sometimes there are tickle fights and every now and then Yoongi likes to steal a kiss from him. Tonight though, is just for them, he gets onto his hands and knees, making sure Yoongi can’t see him from behind their small armchair and sits Hobag on the armrest.

“Hey baby, who’s that on the chair?”

He guides Yoongi’s gaze with his finger and there’s his gummy smile, he lifts himself from the couch and runs towards the plushie, picking her up and cuddling her into his chest.

“Daddy thank you so much, H-Hobag’s all better now, look, look Daddy!”

Yoongi clambers into Taehyung’s lap, he puts his hands around Yoongi’s midsection pulling him in closer. He loves being this close to Yoongi, it makes him happy, and he knows that it makes Yoongi happy.

 

He can feel Yoongi’s breathing evening out slowly over the course of the film, and shockingly, he does make it through the whole thing. But as soon as the end credits roll out he turns around to look at Taehyung, his eyes droopy and pacifier falling out of his mouth and he notices that he’d dropped his sippy cup on the floor. Of course he’s drained, he’d gotten out of Taehyung’s lap multiple times or sung along and he was already tired before, but it’s so cute when he yawns and just reaches out for Taehyung with Hobag dangling from his hand.

So he picks Yoongi up again, making his way to Yoongi’s room and he just hears small whines coming from him, so he just shakes his head and starts walking towards his own room. When he lays Yoongi down he makes sure to peel off his clothes, his jeans and shirt left in a corner as he climbs into bed with only his boxers.

He starts to sing softly, his voice washing over the room, causing Yoongi to shuffle and turn around so his head’s buried in Taehyung’s chest with Hobag between them and slowly, his breathing starts to even out, falling into a rhythm that shows Taehyung he’s asleep, and even then, he cards his fingers through his hair, slowly lulling himself to sleep, his breathing matching Yoongi's.