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Not Enough

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Isabelle's hands slipped from the tiny cold hands, and her eyes closed trying to shut all the pain out. At this point she didn't care at the way everyone was staring at her, and it wasn't until she felt Alec holding her tightly that she realized she was letting out a horrific scream. Her screaming didn’t stop until she felt him cradling her softly and her figure became like a trembling leaf in autumn. Her body screamed agony, pain and hurt. Guilt and shame overwhelmed her mind – what if she had done something differently. It was too late now, she would never know.

His chest heaved, feeling his heart stop he wasn't sure if he was even breathing. Numbness went from his hands to his head. It was like everything in his body had short-circuited and he didn’t know what the next step was. His eyes tore away from the white sheet covering the body and he forced himself to retreat into a state of nothingness. He was going to be strong.

No, it was his fault.

He knew it, he felt Maryse and Robert’s accusing glares at him. They wished he was dead, why wasn’t he dead. He was a failure. Why wasn’t he lying dead, why was it…

Go die.

Die.

You fag.

Disgraced the family name.

You don’t deserve to live.

Max.

Dead.

You.

Max.

Dead.

DEAD.

He coughed feeling his chest not working, his eyes stung from lack of oxygen. Isabelle snapped out of her trance looking up wondering what was going on. She wanted directions, answers, comfort and he was failing her too. Alec desperately wanted to fix everything.

Wait, maybe he could. Raising to stand up rapidly he quickened his pace to walk over to Clary.

“OPEN A PORTAL!” He grabbed onto her shoulders fiercely.

“Alec, what the hell?” Jace shoved his Paratabai away from Clary’s stunned figure, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I, I, I can fix this,” The hysterical eyes were unfocused losing himself to the pain that was slowly coming through, “I just need Clary to open a portal.”

Jace gritted his teeth, Alec was supposed to be the level-headed one. He was the acting Head of the Institute, so how come he wasn’t getting himself together. This wasn’t fair, his Parabatai rune was aching making him feel nauseous.

“Get out,” Jace coldly stared at Alec, “Get out and clear your head.”

“Jac- “Clary reached out to touch his shoulders.

“No,” Jace stared flatly at Alec.

He knew it, everyone knew it was his fault. He failed. Failure. What kind of brother was he?

“Alec needs to leave right now,” turning away from his brother he forced himself to hold Izzy who was no longer paying attention to anything.

He couldn’t breathe, Jace was right. His feet picked up and he ran out of the room to the one place he knew could fix everything. His phone dialed the number he knew would fix it all. The sound of the ringing went on and on never getting it to the person he needed the most. Hearing the light laughter on the phone his chest squeezed the irregular heartbeat he had.

“You’ve reach the voicemail of the High Warlock of Brooklyn, if you are NOT Alexander do not leave a message—Hey! Magnus!”

A loud beep signalled his cue, “Magnus! I need you, I-I-“ his throat dried, “It’s Max, please call me.”

Another attempt and his legs start to feel the burn and he runs his steele to activate his stamina rune.

“Magnus, please, where are you?” He’s desperately holding it together, a hollowed choking sounds from his mind, “please…please…pick up.”

It’s still another ten minutes, and he could feel the time counting down. Why wasn’t Magnus picking up? Was he okay? What if something happened to him? His head felt like icicles were driving themselves into his mind and his body was paralyzed with fear. The lean legs pushed forth, five minutes.

“Are you okay?” Another voicemail.

His hands feel no resistance as he slides the key into the apartment door and he catches the sight of his lover staring out the window, sipping on a glass of wine. Alec feels his anger surface, “Magnus are you okay? I’ve been calling you, I needed you.”

“Hmmmm…. surprise there,” Magnus turns around and gives him a look he had never seen before. The cat eyes hollowed of love or affection, “Always take and take.”

“Magn-“ Shutting down Alec feels a gust of wind kicking his gut, what was going on. His mind was jumble from all the voices and noise. A faint vibration hums along his jaws, again the numbness settles in, fogging up his sense.

“You didn’t tell me about the Soul Sword,” Putting down the glass of wine, Magnus’s cold exterior masked with hurt, “You put everyone I loved at risk.”

“Magn-“ Alec felt his jaw clenching and unclenching, he didn’t have time to waste. Magnus would understand, they would talk about it but first Max.

With a wave of a hand, Alec felt his voice disappear and his hands went to feel his throat. No, no, no he needed to talk to Magnus. His right arm reached to touch him but he felt his entire body froze at another whisk of the wrist. For the first time in his life he felt utterly powerless. Useless. Why would he listen to you? The same mind fog that had been dancing in the Institute came back, a wave of confusion and hurt rippled through his bones.

“No, you listen to me,” Magnus’s eyes stared at him as if he was trying to away all the terrible things Pandora’s box opened, “You were selfish and, and Alexander” his voice cracked and hesitation laced his eyes, “I can’t do this, I can’t choose between you and my people. Yo-you’ve, I’ve let you in, told you things that- I trusted you Alexander. I don’t want this.”

He never wanted you.

You were never enough.

He thought of you as a game to conquer.

You’re nothing.

Murder.

Killer.

He could feel the familiar magic that had saved him so many times before suffocating him. All the tears and screaming he wanted to let out just would not manifest itself. He wasn’t broken, he had broken a long time ago and he had forgotten that people put up with it. Magnus wouldn’t want to try to revive Max, why would he summon a demon to exchange Alec for Max’s soul. Alec was impure, he was filthy, no demon would want that exchange.

He felt his mind become clearer, the fog began to go away. He understood now, he would repent. He would be able to fix all of this.

So when Magnus told him to leave he did, no questions asked he simply walked out the door because he knew he was going to make it all better. Jace’s and Izzy’s look, his parent’s judgements, the way his fellow Shadowhunters accused him of betraying the Clave…and Magnus’s confession that he meant nothing…

He would fix it all.

And that was how he found himself standing on the Golden Bridge.

His eyes unfocused at the water roaring below and the chilly breeze. No mundane would bother him and what Downworlder would stop him. His feet stood at the edge, his ears taking in the smell of steel and the whooshing of car rushing to their destinations. Guilt and shame traveled up and down his spine, but it’d be worth it. Jace would no longer feel sick from all the internalized shit Alec felt.

He removed his jacket, neatly folded it in a hypnotic sense. Grabbing his steele, he began to draw new agony runes:

One for Jocelyn

One for his family

One for Magnus

One for Max

Activating him all at once his lips bleed from the sheer number of runes glowing at him. He placed down his bow and arrows and lastly weakly grabbed onto his steele. His weapons were almost part of him, being raised to use them with no qualms of parting with him he used every last ounce of his breath to snap the steele in two.

He was a disappointment to the Shadowhunters.

With that final thought he finally felt a tear roll down his bitter face, and he took a step off the bridge.