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We Just Don't Have Any Clue

Chapter Text

            The television blasted in the background as Tommy Lehnsherr’s tongue was busy entertaining the cute girl he had picked up at the bar. Macy, Tracy, Grandy, Candy. Candy!That was her name. She was sitting on his lap, her back to the television, as he tried to tear himself away to hear what was going on.

            On the screen was a store manager, twiddling his thumbs and trying to explain about the break-in that happened at his pet store. Damn it! Tommy swore, years living with Police Commissionaire, now former Police Commissionaire Erik Lehnsherr and their Aunt Lorna, who was now the Chief of Police in San Francisco, with his brother had taught him a thing or two about figuring out what’s going on with very little information.

            Not wanting to let his hands go from underneath Candy’s shirt, he sighed, keeping one hand firmly on her bra strap, he used the other to grab the phone.

            “Who’re you calling?” asked Candy letting him catch a few little moments of oxygen, before moving towards his neck.

            “Gotta make a quick phone call to the police.” He told her and dialed, listening for the dispatcher at the end of the line “Channel 4, the store owner, he did it, twiddling thumbs, twitchy eyes, take him, grill him, he did it…oh and on an unrelated note, the registration on the news van have expired...great, I will…thank you.”

            Candy stopped kissing his neck to stare at him, “Are you a cop?” She asked.

            “Nope. Promise. Does that disappoint you?” asked Tommy with a pout.

            Candy sighed, “I was hoping you’d have a pair of handcuffs.”

            “Don’t need to be a cop to have handcuffs,” he said with a grin.

            The following day, in a beautiful and happy mood, Tommy hopped the steps to the Santa Barbara police department and sauntered over to the front desk, where a pretty woman was on the phone. “Yes, I am telling you, $300 and she told me all sorts of details.” She had a crystal around her neck and funny earrings.

            “Pardon me!” The woman sharply pointed to a bench where a recently arrested suspect sat, “No actually, I’m here for a reward…”  She once again, with even more force pointed towards the bench.  She was talking to someone about her dead grandmother and some shaman lady who supposedly spoke to her. Tommy sighed and went to sit down in the center hallway, next to a large, beefy suspect with a teardrop tattoo, with what appeared to be pieces of a busted tail light on his arm. “So what are you in for? Busted your Ex’s car?”  

            The guy looked up, “Her new boyfriend’s…or so they say. They’ve got no witnesses.”

            “Sweet,” said Tommy grinning, “Though you might want to do something about the uh…” he pointed to the shards, the guy nodded and dusted the shards as best he could., but instead of landing on the floor they landed inside his shoe. Tommy’ attempt to help him ended there.

He looked around and saw the IT guy walking past, with a green bowtie, “Hey Teddy,” he called to the guy in the shirt and funky tie with stripes on it, and blonde hair. He was sitting at his desk, with a Captain America comic in hand. “Did Jones approve your time off?”  Soon a uniform came and grabbed the other guy to put him in detention room 2.

“Hey Jonas! Yes! I’m excited. San Diego this weekend and then next month is Santa Barbara’s annual con. Got my costume all ready.”

“Exciting. Any word on your new partner since Arnie retired?”

“Got a girl transferring in from Miami, this’ll be her first time out of uniform. So I’ll be her Arnie...” Teddy got out of his chair, in order to let Jonas, get in, “So Doc, will she ever play the violin again?”

“She’ll be fine, I’m just upgrading some software and installing additional hardware that’ll make putting out a BOLO so much easier. When’s the new girl coming in?”

“Monday. Soon as I get back.” Jonas nodded.

The one named Jonas got to working on the computer and Teddy left towards the evidence room.

The lady that was on the phone came over and escorted him down to what appeared to be an interrogation room, where two detectives were waiting. There was something in the body language. The male detective looked annoyed as he moved past the woman, and she looked like she wanted to be anywhere, but where she was.

“Is this where I pick up my reward?” asked Tommy as the cops greeted him.

“We just want to clarify a few things first,” said the woman.

“Okay…” said Tommy sitting down, “But you did arrest the store manager, right?”

“We’ll be asking the questions if you don’t mind.” Said the other one, “I am Detective Bradley, this is Detective Bishop, for the record.” Bishop sat down across from Tommy, while Bradley leaned on the two-way mirror.

“Nice to meet you,” said Tommy winking at Bishop, “Ask away.”

“Where were you last night?”

“Robbing a pet store,” seeing the delighted look on the male detective’s face he started laughing, “I’m kidding. Swear.  I was doing what everyone usually does, what I am sure you were doing. Not solving crime.”

“You’re not exactly helping your case.”

“My case?” asked Tommy, “No, no no, wait a minute…you can’t seriously…I’m a suspect?”

“Our lead suspect!”

“I gave you the guy.”

“He had a partner.” Said Bradley.

“I have to find that guy too? Seriously. When do you do your job?”

“See…your information was good, so good that it could have only come from the inside.” Wow. I guess the police department had gone downhill since Gramps retired, Lorna moved, and Pietro quit, thought Tommy.

“I’ve called in tips before, check it out.”

“Oh, we did, we really did,” said Bradley, crossing to sit down beside Bishop and pulling out a file, “And here’s what we learned. You are currently unemployed and have never held a job for longer than six months.” Tommy rolled his eyes “And you have a criminal record.”

“I was eighteen.”

“Oh, eighteen, that makes it okay.” Mocked Bradley, “Let me just take my pen and scratch it out.”

Tommy sighed, “I borrowed a car.”

“Stole a car.”

“To impress a girl…” Tommy was so sick of telling this story over and over again.

“Look Mr. Lehnsherr all of this is a bit hard to believe.”

“Would it help if I told you that she had a bit of a reputation and I was o for…high school. Look there were extenuating circumstances….aaand…as you can see in the file, the arresting office was my Aunt Lorna she was trying to teach me a lesson.”

“Did you learn it?”

“As a matter of fact, I did.” Said Tommy, “Look my grandfather was the police commissionaire.”

“Oh…well…of course, grandchildren of police commissionaires are totally above the law,” snorted Bradley.

“Well, I’m not eighteen anymore and I have never been arrested since. So…” tried Tommy getting annoyed.

“It’s just a little hard to believe that you solved all these crimes by…” he checked the file, “Watching channel six.”

“Okay that’s a lie,” said Tommy, “I don’t always watch channel six, sometimes channel 4, occasionally channel 8, but only because of the weathergirl. Adorable.”

“And you can just read guilt off the television set?”

“You can’t?” mocked Tommy.

“Don’t you trivialize police work.”

“I don’t need to,” said Tommy, “I’ll leave some of it for you.” He stood up, “You can’t keep me here, I know my rights.” He headed towards the door.

“Good then you know you have the right to remain silent…” Bradley began reciting the Maranda as the lady in uniform earlier appeared as did Detective Teddy.

“You’re serious?”

“Maybe a few hours in a holding cell will jog your memory.” Seeing the lovely gentlemen inside the holding cell, the idea did not particularly appeal to Tommy.

“Mr. Lehnsherr just give us an explanation as to how you acquired this information,” said the pretty lady detective.

“No, it is too late. Detective Altman,” said Bradley, “Would you be so kind as to book him.” Teddy sighed. He had been a detective for a year already and Bradley sometimes still saw him a uniform.

“Seriously? For the walk to the lobby?”

“It’s that or a reasonable explanation, Lehnsherr, that’s all we need.” Tommy sighed great, what was he supposed to do now. The lady in the uniform, however, gave him an idea.

“Alright, you win, you got me,” said Tommy, “I got the information because I am a psychic.” Before Bradley could say anything, he twitched and turned to the lady, “Your grandmother would be so proud of you.”

Bewildered she stared at him. “You spoke to her?”

“I did,” said Tommy, “She’s safe, comfortable. But she wants you to stop spending money on those con artists.”

“The palm readers?” Tommy nodded.

“Just so we’re clear, you’re claiming to be a psychic?” asked Bishop.

“That’s right!” He waved his hands around to Bradley and Bishop, “How else would I know that the two of you used to sleep together, but recently one of you…my money…is on Bishop called it off.” Teddy snorted behind them. Tommy was on a roll now, “Batman, Superman…I’m getting superheroes, Live long and prosper…” he turned to Teddy, “You are going to San Diego Comic Con, this weekend congrats….and in costume. Bold.”

Teddy stared at him, “You go to multiple conventions a year within the state of California.”

“That’s amazing.”

“Oh come on, who’s buying this?” asked Bradley. Teddy and the front desk lady raise their hands and so does one of the guys from the tank to the left.

“Wait! I got it. Go to detention room 2. Shakedown your vandal…you’ll find all the evidence you need in….” he made his leg twitch, “in his left shoe.”

Bradley walked away and headed to check on the vandal. Tommy had been released by Bishop and he was back at the welcome booth.

“I am getting,” he told the lady, “The letter L.”

“Her dog, Lulu,” she told him, “Did she say anything else?” Tommy looked around and saw Bradley.

“I’m sorry the connection is gone, there’s suddenly a very negative presence here.” He didn’t hear what Bishop and Bradley were saying, but Bradley did not look happy, that was for sure.

On his way out of the precinct, a very pregnant woman stopped him, “Tommy Lehnsherr, I’m Jessica Jones interim Police chief.”

“Yeah,” said Tommy, “I know.” He looked just like his grandfather and uncle, noted Jessica as she went over the details of the case and offered him a chance to audition. “Listen, look, I do have a confession to make.” He adds this after she informs him of the consequences of lying. “It’s not just me. My brother. He’s a psychic too. I’ll need to bring him in on this. We were kind of born this way.” Jessica stares at him like she isn’t sure if she should kill him or hire him. But she agrees.

Meanwhile across town, at UC Santa Barbara, in a small office occupied by a lowly PhD student, in the history department, sat Billy Lehnsherr. He was taking only one course over the summer, while he worked on his dissertation on the influence of antisemitism in the election of FDR. He was concentrating deep on his work, typing away on his laptop, and he nearly jumped when there was a knock.

“Have no fear, your older brother is here,” Tommy came in with a grin on his face.

“Thirty seconds!” said Billy standing up to hug his twin, “And you never let me forget it. What’s up?”

“I found us the last job we will ever need.”

“Tommy, you’ve had 50 something odd jobs since we graduated high school.”

“Yes and they were awesome. But this one takes the cake.” Billy did not look convinced. “I figured out how we can finally make our dream come true, to do the thing we’ve wanted to do since we were kids.”

“To invent something?”


“To take over the world?”

“Close…but no. To be detectives.”

“Please tell me you didn’t sign us up for the police academy.” Tommy laughed.

“No, I didn’t…But this is a golden opportunity to use all those skills Grandpa taught us.”

“How?” asked Billy. And boy, he loved his brother. Tommy was his best friend. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Tommy, but sometimes boundaries had to be set.

“We’re going to open up our own, private detective agency.” As Tommy filled him in on what was going on and the case Jessica Jones had assigned them, involving a kidnapped the son of a major rich guy. Billy’s face twisted from mild intrigue to full blow scowl.

“So…we’re going to pretend to be psychics? Who is going to buy that?”

“Just trust me, you and me, we’ll go in, solve the case, and then you can spend the entire weekend at nerd land, thinking about how awesome this will be.”

Billy sighed and closed the lid of his laptop. “Okay. You realize how crazy this sounds, besides why do you need me?”

“We’re the dynamic duo, of course, I need you,” said Tommy, “You write stuff down, you’re organized and you keep me grounded. I need that. It’ll totally help your social skills Plus, we’re identical twins, we gotta have some kind of freaky superpower thing going on. They’ll totally buy that.” Billy rolled his eyes, but he knew his brother was right. First, it had been the years of moving around after Dad died, then mom disappearing and them moving in with their aunt and grandfather. It left different marks on both the boys. “So…you finished your costume for nerdfest?”

“I’m going as Tim Drake, the third Robin, just need to finish sewing the cape and I’m good to go.”

“Nice, you know, one of the detectives at the precinct is also going to this convention.”

“Thousands of people go,” said Billy getting up and putting his laptop into his bookbag, “So where are we going again?”

“A really big house.”

Billy knew he was going to regret this as he pulled up in front of the large mansion. There were already police cars there, as was the forensics van. “You could totally schmooze the forensics guys. You always loved that stuff.”

They looked around the trash, noting the amount of dog food they went through and Tommy finding a cd case to keep. As they moved into the house both boys looked at the pictures. Lots of pictures of the daughter, doing kayaking, piloting, etc.

“This is never going to work,” said Billy looking around.

“Of course, it will.”

“And what if they find out you’re not really a psychic.”

“That we’re not really psychics, and the only way they can prove that, is if one of us tells them.”

Billy shook his head and took out his notebook and pen, Brian MacAllister, missing with dog, he wrote as Tommy ranted about the cute sister and the photographic display of her evolution from quirky teenager to hot and sporty adrenalin girl. He was too infatuated to see her at the stairs, glaring at him.

“I am Katarina MacAllister…and you are?”

“I’m Tommy Lehnsherr, the chief called me. But I promise everything will be alright.”

“I have the same feeling…but how do you know that?” she asked him, Billy rolled his eyes.

“I am a psychic.”

“They brought in a psychic?” Asked Katarina, “Well if you need to ask me any questions…”

“Well both of us are psychics, me and my twin here. But I do have a question, just one! Do you have a boyfriend?”  

“I do…but its nothing serious though.”

“Forgive my brother and his complete lack of tact,” said Billy stepping in, “Billy Lehnsherr…I have a serious question for you.” They talked to her, asking questions about her brother, what he did, who he liked to hang out with.

“Crap!” said Tommy shortly after, as Bishop and Bradley approached.

“Hello Mr. Lehnsher…and Mr. Lehnsherr,” said Bishop.

“I’m the one without the criminal record, and please call me Billy.”

“Call me Kate, and this is my partner Eli Bradley.”

“You may call me Detective Bradley” grunted Eli.

“Kate…well…” began Tommy. But she cut him off.

“You may call me Detective Bishop.” Billy laughed in the background.

So, they solved the case pretty quickly, with Tommy putting on a crazy display of silly antics and getting the real guy arrested. All without Grandpa’s help, unlike Billy had originally proposed. Tommy had gone to see their grandfather anyway. Getting a helping hand. So it shouldn’t have surprised him when he saw Erik at the Chief’s office when he cam to talk to the chief.

“Grandpa!” Tommy and Billy had greeted him.

“Boys!” said Grandpa and turned to Jessica “Thanks for the coffee, Jess, and if you need anything, let me know.” He looked at the boys, giving them a sly wink before Jessica called them into the room.

“Erik finally cleared the air, regarding all of this,” said Jessica. “He explained that these psychic abilities have been an off and on phenomenon since you were little…not a born gift like you made it seen. He also said that your gift works better when you’re together…This is all, of course, weird. But, I can’t argue with your results. So thank you for your assistance and we will call you if we need you.”

The twins left the office with huge grins on their faces. “This may actually work,” admitted Billy, “As long as Detective Eli doesn’t figure you out.”

“You mean figure us out,” said Tommy, draping his arm around his brother. “It’ll be great. Now get out of here and go get ready for your convention.