Actions

Work Header

Left all alone

Chapter Text

Joon

Hoseok where r u?

Seriously...

I know you’re seeing my messages.

Please

Hoseok (seen 7pm)

 

Namjoon throws his phone on the couch, before it bounces on it, and falls of the edge, hitting the floor with a loud thud. He hugs his knees closer to himself, tears threatening to fall out. His phone buzzes with notification.

And there is this hope, this feeling telling him it is Hoseok. He gets the courage, just gets something, the part of him wishing it was Hoseok, that part tugs at his heart. Telling him to stand, to see, to confirm if he is being right or not.

But he doesn’t want the last piece of hope to crumble. He doesn’t want all the pieces he collected to be destroyed, to be nothing more than puzzles on the floor. That must be set together again. No! he doesn’t want anyone.

His hands hesitate, his heart is pounding loud and fast. He breathes out, and gets his phone. Holds it really tight- and turns it on, he presses the messages box, and is met by a few messages from his group of friends, and another unknown number.

Unknown + 82  XX XXXX  

(video Attached.)

The last hope he had crumbles down to nothing but pieces of dust. None existent, just the love life he pictured when he was little. To take care and be taken care of. But now? What is he doing? Why did it happen to him?

He feels the tears he was holding in burst out. They go down his chin, and fall on his phone screen. He presses the video he got, although it was a bit foggy, and hard to see. He heard the voices.

“Hoseok-ah stop.” He heard, the loud laugh that remind Namjoon of windshield, and the next voice belong to none other than Hoseok himself.

“No—you’re the cutest person ever,” Hoseok says, Namjoon stares wide-eyed at the screen. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. And replay the video again.

He is met by Hoseok, and Seokjin. They are both laughing and having fun. And Namjoon is a bit taken back at how close they were, but he was kind of used to it already, Hoseok has always been like that. And Seokjin and Namjoon are really close friends’

So, he didn’t’ think weirdly of it. Instead, he kept on watching as they fooled around. When Seokjin said something with that he must go. Hoseok lets him, instead he sits down and takes up his phone.

The girl Seokjin changed shift with, came in from the back door. And smiled as she saw Hoseok, she sat on his lap. “Hoseok, you were playing again, why? Do you other than me?” she mumbles.

Hoseok lets out a laugh, before kissing her temple and Namjoon rubbed his eyes, and replayed the scene again. And again. And another time.

And he doesn’t know that all those times, it felt like something pierced through his fragile heart. The worst part was that Hoseok kissed her mumbling something with ‘I love you’

Namjoon throws his phone somewhere. He hears the loud thud echoing through his empty apartment. He tugs at his hair, as he burst into tears.

“Why me!” he shouts, and kicks and cries. But no, there is no one to help him. There is no one here to comfort him, because he needed it, right? The only reason is because Hoseok thought he wasn’t good enough… right?

 

Namjoon’s mother comes a while after his break down. She sees her son laying on the floor, dried tears smeared all over his face as he is sniffing. He hugs his knees closer, and hopes and prey she would leave him right now.

That she wouldn’t bring it up later either, because he needs a bit time to be alone.

Chapter Text

 

Namjoon’s family moved, for his sake. Not for his mother’s job, not for his sisters complaining, but for his sake. His mental sate to be honest.

 

 

He tried acting like he was fine, like he didn’t mind the comments or worries . But they all knew, deep down, he was suffering one of the biggest pains; love.

 

Because love comes in all different shapes. Not because loves define a strong desire of affection. Because is love is also one of the great causes of pain, for mental, emotional, and maybe physical pain. Too love someone and you forget you live, until the pain takes away what you forgive...

 

Namjoon wasn’t stable, he wasn’t having anything to like no more, he wasn’t anything else then the person people wanted him to be, not the one he wanted.

 

Because the strongly desire of affection caused him the desire for death. Even though he wasn’t as much as pain he used to. Instead, he was mentally having fight, a big war, who wouldn’t end, unless his heartbeat did—

He was nothing more than a walking soul, without any goal in mind. And there wasn’t nothing he wanted anymore, the life he wanted crushed down as nothing he would ever thought of. Because life like a prince, whit his love, living ever after was nothing more a thought above.

 

He felt like he was always taking a step down, while each person went up. And he doesn’t know why. He isn’t hurt anymore, actually, to be honest, he was rather numb. Because life was nothing more than a pain, each rain drop that fell and got lost in the water, reminded him of himself begin drained off feelings. Because his life was like a puzzle, to get closer to the goal, you must find and place them in the right place.

 

“namjoon get down now, we have to get.” His mother shouts, he put down the book he was reading, or actually staring at, rather than reading. When he looked up, he frowned as his little sister was staring at him from the door frame.

 

“That’s creepy.” He mumbles, and stood up from the chair, as he glanced at his room one last time. It felt empty, just like he did.

 

“you’re creepy.” She says, “Who the fuck stares at a book, upside down?” she gestures towards the book in his hand, and he looks down, seeing that, indeed, it was upside down.

 

“Whatever.”

 

She jogs away, and he follows after, giving the house one last glance, he was moving, again—but not for him, rather for his mother job this time. He wouldn’t even care if they moved back to Seoul, not if they even moved back to the same damn house.

 

Because life is a bitch, and you should be a bitch back to.

 

He gets into his mother’s car, and stare at his old house. He wasn’t going to miss it, not even care. Because life isn’t worth caring for. The world is properly a test too, just to see, but this world is fucked up, cheating here, cheating there, it isn’t worth it.

 

He watches as their really old- but full of energy — neighbors wave at them. And as they get a bit far, they stop waving and he hits his wife’s ass really hard, and she makes ‘o’ kind of like mouth shape, and Namjoon can hear her words…

He tries not gagging on his own spit, and looks away, and his eyes, goes downwards only to be met by his sister’s eyes, they stare at each other, until the mirror shows that she looks away. He frowns. ‘fucking creep’

 

He stares at his phone, blankly, he hasn’t even done anything, and when he notices that his phone screen turns black, he knows that he probably spaced out. Namjoon looks at his mom driving.

 

“Where is our new home.” He asks, his mother meets his eyes through the mirror reflection, and he sees a bit of worry flash on her face before she smiles.

 

“I thought I told you?” she says, and blinks her left eye. She always does that whenever she is nervous, or worried, and Namjoon, who has mastered his mother’s left blink eye... thingy, knows that she is worried.

 

“You did?” he says, a bit unsure, his voice somehow turns soft and he looks everywhere but his mom, “I forgot,” he was supposed to add a bit of a laugh to make it more reliable, or more… you know, less weird? But it never came out

 

“She told you today morning... when you asked… again- “His sister put a lot of emotion to the word, clearly showing that she is annoyed.

 

“What did I ask?” he says, trying to smile, and he succeeded but it properly looked strained, and forced. His sister look at him like he is some kind of retard and so does his mother, and he swallows. “I was kidding…” he trails “…it was a joke.”

 

“Well, you got the worst humor ever,” she replies. his mother facials expression goes back, its normal, blank face.

 

“But, have you thought of the college I’m going too? And I’m sure you haven’t said anything about it.” Namjoon says, his mom nods, and his little sister too, not towards Namjoon but their mother.

 

Because they were properly going to the same college. She was just one year younger than him anyways. “Yeah.” She says, and takes the left swing. “Southern hill.” She looks at Namjoon, biting her lip, and he nods but shrugs.

 

Southern hill, half of his old friends said they will go to the same college. And they actually bothered to keep messaging Namjoon about whatever that was happening here. But as days became months, and months changed to years without replying, he wanted, but hesitated.

 

He lost a friend who messaged him, they grew to old probably, because, each time, one would leave, the other would change. And he was left to none. Or so he thought, but it was one last left; Jackson, he stayed, even though Namjoon ignored for so long.

 

He broke down crying when Jackson called, even though he thought all his friends left him. He felt so useless when he heard, the one, the one who he was least close to. He and Jackson was friends, but not best of the best. They didn’t tell each other everything.

 

It was rather Jackson and him smiling at each other, and saying hey. But Jackson didn’t leave, he stayed.

 

So, Jackson called that day, he asked if Namjoon was okay, how he was doing. And even said ‘I wish i could meet you, and I know we weren’t the best of the best, but remember that you can trust me’ And as that came out, he burst out crying, falling on the ground.

 

Jackson wasn’t disgusted, he wasn’t weirded out, he didn’t believe Namjoon was mentally crazy. Also, the fact that people think boys are mentally strong, saying that they don’t cry. Somehow hurt Namjoon’s pride. Wasn’t he supposed to be like them? To be mentally strong? Or was they just another pair of stereotypes.

 

‘it’s okay, let it out’ he heard Jackson say, and Namjoon apologized crying, when he was finally done. Jackson started whispering words of comfort and, ‘sorry’ Namjoon apologized, ‘I’m weird, I’m so sorry’

 

Jackson said nothing more than ‘it’s okay, and everyone has their downs’ and they kept on talking, one comforted the other degraded himself.

 

But after that day, Namjoon started talking to Jackson frequently, and when he said that he was going back to Seoul, and that he could meet Jackson. He remembers Jackson called him a hundred times, even though it was 3am in the night.

 

Jackson also said he would messages him. But Namjoon wasn’t getting any notifications, and he tried everything to not pout. When he checked his phone, he saw a lot of notifications from Jackson. He opened his phone and was met by over 99+ messages.

He smiled and went through all of them, each was sent from Jackson, he was either writing or sending emoji’s.

 

 

Jackson hyung

Where are you?
are you close?

When will you come?
I’m waiting!
come one answer

Namjoon

Kim Namjoon, I’m outside of.. actually

Idk what I’m waiting for

I’m cold

It’s raining

Joon

Where r u?

Jackson hyung

Seoul station!

Joon

I’ll come to you

If that’s ok?

Jackson hyung

Wtf

Of course, it is ok

You dumb fuck

Get here immediately!

Joon

Sure

Is there a café, or shop to hold u

Warm until I come?

Or anything?

Jackson hyung

Yes, your heart

Jk, there is.Call me when you get there!

 

Namjoon asked his mother if it was okay if he met some old friends from his old school. She did look surprised but agreed, and dropped him off at Seoul station, when he got there, he didn’t call Jackson right away. Instead he tried finding a café or something inside of the big place.

 

He checked a lot of them, at the first floor, but didn’t find any. Instead he started getting worried, as a lot of old people tried finding their way and the train they were supposed to take, and cursed when Namjoon hit them accidentally.

 

He chooses calling Jackson, and went to the nearest restroom, and tried finding a stall he could go inside. But all of them were closed, so he stuck into the corner of the restroom, and started texting Jackson.

Joon

I’m in a restroom

On the first floor

Can you find me?

Jackson

Sure, on my way!

 

There are two boys washing their hands, they are both incredibly handsome, one has black hair, he looked like he was right from an edited movie, he looked so damn handsome. His board shoulders, and he was probably rich too because he had expensive Gucci clothes on.

 

The second had muscular arms that were tight around his white t-shirt, his brown parted hair, looked so—

 

“Let’s leave Hoseok.” One of them says, as he smiles, his hands land on Namjoon, and they look at each other until Namjoon looks away defeated. His heart beating, first because the handsome boy was looking at him, second because Hoseok…

 

It can’t be the same Hoseok right? Of course, not.

The third one walked out of the stall closes to Namjoon, he looks at the brown-haired boy who just said something and threw a piece of paper at him. “Leave… huh?”

 

Namjoon eyes met the third man; Hoseok. It was Hoseok, hundred % him. His face was still the same, he voice was a bit darker, and deeper. Namjoon swallowed, he looked down, he felt vulnerable, why was Hoseok doing fine?

 

Why was Namjoon the only one suffering?

 

He felt someone’s eyes on him, “The stall is clear now.” The brown-haired boy who he registered was named Jungkook, because of the black haired, whose name came out of Hoseok mouth; taehyung, said. He nods, as he looks down, and walks into the one Hoseok walked out of.

 

All eyes are on him now, and he feels sick, his stomach does at least.

 

When he closes the stall, they talk for a bit more, before Hoseok’s loud laugh is heard as they exit. Jackson walks in as they walk out. “Namjoon?” he says, Hoseok looks up at Jackson, and Namjoon walks out of the stall.

 

And their eyes met, for the first time in 3 years. But he looks away, the door is closing a bit of gap each time, and when he looks up again, Hoseok tries walking again, to meet Namjoon’s eyes one last time. But he doesn’t look, instead he runs to Jackson, hugging him really tight.

 

The three boys, stand there, Jungkook sighs, and Hoseok leans down to get the paper he threw, “forgot this numbers I got from a girl yesterday.” He says towards his friends, but it felt like it was some kind of excuses that was directed towards Namjoon.

 

“you really are a fuckboy,” Namjoon heard the voice get smaller and harder to hear. As the door finally closed.

 

“Wow,” Jackson says, as he smiles towards his younger friend, “you really did change in those three years.”

Chapter Text

 

Namjoon and Jackson had a really good time together. They clicked like they did online. And Namjoon felt happy, or his logical part wanted to be happy, and that is what it told Namjoon, to be happy in circumstances likes these.

 

So Namjoon pretended he was happy, since those times he has always pretended there want once he meant it. Because he couldn’t.

 

“Are you okay?” Jackson asks, as he takes Namjoon’s smoothie and drinks it. Namjoon laughs and hits Jackson on the arm.

 

“no, I’m not anymore!” he says, “you took me precious drink!” he pouts and lets out a huff, crossing his arms, Jackson smiles.

 

“why the hell are you so cute?” Jackson says, cooing at how cute the older looked. He looked so soft when he first saw him. His clothes are too big for him, his blonde hair was also so damn cute, also the part that was sticking up.

 

Jackson excuses himself saying he needs the toilet and then making a sexual comment about it being Namjoon’s fault. Namjoon blushes, and takes up his drink hiding his face.

 

He noticed the other table, there was the same people from earlier today; Taehyung, Jungkook, hoseok wasn’t there but the Jacket he was using was on the chair besides taehyung. They sat there, and Jungkook kept glancing to Namjoon’s table.

 

And as soon as Jackson left, the guy; Jungkook came over. There was this authority like atmosphere over him. He looked like those spoiled rich kids, but Namjoon doesn’t judge. So instead he pretended like he wasn’t walking over to Namjoon, something he was because he leaned in on Namjoon’s table.

 

“hey” he says. Namjoon looks up, and takes the blueberry smoothie away from his lips. He looks Jungkook’s eyes and feels like someone is crossing his personal space. So, he moves a bit to the side, and away from the other.

 

“You’re with Jackson?” Jung kook says, as he takes a seat on the other side of Namjoon. “I’ve never seen you here, how do you know of Jackson?” he asks.

 

“ friend,” he notices Hoseok walk out of the restroom, he first tries finding Jungkook, but sees him sitting on Namjoon’s table. Taehyung shrugs. When Hoseok gives him a weird look. Hoseok, was hot, he turned a lot hotter. His hair was parted, and his t- shirt was showing his collarbone.

 

“So, mind giving me your number?” Jungkook says, as he takes up his phone, Namjoon would have said no, if it wasn’t because he didn’t want to reject someone.

 

Jungkook stands up and pats Namjoon’s back and goes back to his friends table. “I got his number” he says, and Namjoon turns red, he looks down and starts fiddling with his hands.

 

Hoseok was watching him, not that Namjoon noticed.

 

Jackson came a few seconds after Jungkook left and, and he noticed how embarrassed Namjoon looked, so he saw the boys from earlier, or his school mates, or the source of the people who makes fun of him..

 

He takes Namjoon’s hand, and Namjoon’s drink nearly falls, and he whines, but follows Jackson. Jungkook blinks at them before winking towards Namjoon. Namjoon nods, and turns red again. The heat raised up to his cheek and he turns and starts jogging with Jackson.

 

                “What is it?” he asks, when Jackson finally stops by the station. He turns to Namjoon, sadness is all over his face, and Namjoon feels something tug at his heart. First time in a long time.

 

“I don’t want you to leave me?” Jackson says unsure, he looked everywhere but Namjoon, and he was trapping his feet nervously.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“did you get one of theirs number?” He asks, ignoring Namjoon’s questions with another question. He looked up at the taller, and swallowed. “I know, this is the first time in 3 years we’ve seen each other, and weren’t really close. But when I helped you that time I called, I felt like someone needed me, and that I wasn’t the only one needing help”

He paused and met Namjoon’s eyes. “I felt all alone, but when you started talking to me again, I felt like I had everything I needed, but didn’t try getting out of my comfortsone, you made me a bit secure, and I felt like I could do everything on this world, as long as I had someone who was there. Even though they weren’t physically. Because as long as you know there someone there for you, you’ll know there are reasons to live. I—I know I’m rambling, but please, don’t leave me If you choose them instead of, I know, they… I’m sorry— “Namjoon moved forward and hugged the older, a tight embrace around, he didn’t care if they were staring, as long as he didn’t feel alone.

 

“,you were there for me, i would be there for you too,” They stay like that for a while before Namjoon let’s go and stares at Jacksons face. “And you said I was the cute one?” he teases and Jackson smiles up at him. They were about to go inside of the station when one of the securities said it was closed due to some problems.

 

“Oh” Namjoon says, making a cute sound- according to Jackson.

 

“My home isn’t that far away from here, is it okay if you stay there instead?” Jackson asks, Namjoon fishes up his phone and sends a message to his mom, asking if it was okay, she sent an immediate message saying as long as he got a message in the morning saying he still was alive, along with few other emoji’s

 

He nods, and Jackson and he walk there, smiling, joking, teasing and having fun. When they finally got to the apartment, “I haven’t cleaned it... I’m sorry” he laughs, Namjoon looks at him and smiles. ‘I don’t mind’ he mumbles.

 

Jackson opens his door, and lets Namjoon in first. His apartment smells good, and the hallway looked really clean, and he frowns looking at the older. Jackosn just gestures towards his living room and Namjoon walks in, the only not clean place was the table, it was full of magazines, papers and a lot more.

 

Namjoon smiles, “It isn’t that dirty.” He says. Jackson just shrugs and walks into the kitchen, getting a piece of chocolate cake from his fridge. He walks over to the older, and Namjoon moves closer, leaning down, taking a bite of the take on the other side of where Jackson bet.

 

Jackson chokes, and Namjoon laughs, covering his mouth. They fool and have fun, joking a lot more, until Jackson fell asleep on Namjoon’s thighs. Namjoon looked down at him, the older looked cute, he got a pillow and put it under Jackson instead.

 

He then moved to the older’s room, getting some clothes he could sleep on. He takes a yellow shirt, and puts it on. He then folds his clothes and puts them on top of the chair besides Jackson bed. The shirt is falling of his neck a bit.

 

The doorbell rings and Namjoon jump—walks over to it. He opens the door, and looks out too see Jungkook standing there. He looks shocked at Namjoon. And they stare until Namjoon breaks the silence “Eh... anything you need?”

 

“Oh, Jackson hyung is he here?” he asks, as he looks over to his friends Hoseok and Taehyung look at him weirdly they stopped leaning on the side, and walk over to Jungkook.

 

“yeah he is?” Namjoon says, as he spots them coming over.

 

“Can I talk to him?” Jungkook asks, he has a pleasant tone, and Namjoon somehow likes it.

 

“No.” he says, Jungkook tilts his head to the side. “I mean he is asleep.” He corrects. Jungkook nods.

 

“So, what are you doing here?” Taehyung asks, directing his question towards namjoon. He is right behind Jungkook, his head leaning on his shoulder.

 

“Namjoon, he is a friend of mine? Namjoon says unsure, “Am I not allowed to be with a friend?” he asks looking really weirdly at Taehyung, he felt like they were the main cause of Jackson’s insecurity. Well they had to be, the way he put each sentence, it felt like they made his old friends leave him. And the thought annoyed Namjoon.

 

“Don’t you know what is wrong with Jackson though?” Taehyung says, his voice was directed not towards Namjoon, but towards Jackson, who was behind Namjoon. “I don’t think he is mentally stable actually.” Taehyung smirked, Hoseok tugged at Taehyung’s arm for him to shut up. But he didn’t take the hint.

 

“I don’t care actually!” Namjoon says, overly cheery, “If he has something he wants to tell me, then he would. I don’t like hearing things from others, even though they are true, I would like to hear it directly from the source itself.” Namjoon smiles, and tilts his head, his shirt falls a bit to the right side, showing his collarbone and neck.

 

Jungkook swallows, and Namjoon smiles another time, his dimples show. “Well then, it looks like you guys don’t need anything else, bye.” Namjoon says slamming the door.!

Chapter Text

Namjoon woke up to his phone buzzing. He takes it up, and watches another incoming call from his mother. He answers, coughing into his hand to get the huskiness away.

 

“Good morning” he says, and rubs his eyes in progress, he hears his mother’s shout towards his little sister something with ‘get ready!’

 

“Ah, sorry Namjoon, but I forgot that the school is going to call us in today. Can you meet me there?” she says, he hears the worry in her voice, he nods for a second, before realizing she can’t see him.

 

“Okay” he says, he gets up from the bed, and walks over to the living room. He sees Jackson sleeping on the couch, he is hugging the pillow Namjoon gave him the night before, and the sheets also fell of him. His mother said something else, he didn’t hear what, but he knew she said a name at least. “Okay! I love you, bye!” he says, before hanging up.

 

He kneels before Jackson, moving his hair from his eyes, “Jackson.” He says, as he tries shaking him away. He fails so he takes his phone up, and puts an alarm on it.

 

 

Jackson wakes up after the alarm rings. He looks around, and then touches his face, there is dried tears on his eyes, from the previous night, and he feels useless. The fact that he is crying over Namjoon’s kindness.

 

He shouts for Namjoon’s name but doesn’t find the younger anywhere, he was about to go to the kitchen before the phone again started ringing with a alarm again. He doesn’t recognize the sound so he jogs towards the living room, being met my a phone who isn’t his.

 

He takes up the phone and reads the alarm note, ‘I’ll be back! - namjoon’ he smiled and put the phone on the table, going to the toilet for a shower. When he walks out, he smells something good in the air.

 

He jogs over to the kitchen, Namjoon is standing there, with some food, and Jackson leans on the door frame smiling. “Hello” he greets

 

Namjoon smiles, but doesn’t take his eyes from the food, his tongue is sticking out as he concentrates. Jackson smiles shaking his head.

 

Namjoon takes the food from the oven and puts it on the plate, he then turns to Jackson, and chokes on his spit. Damn Jackson’s abs were  are hot. Jackson smiles and walks over to Namjoon taking the plate and winking before bursting out laughing.

 

Namjoon takes his own plate, and follows Jackson towards the dining table. They sit there, eating and occasionally talking, if needed. Or else, there is a comfortable silence over them.

 

“..Jackson,” Namjoon says, putting down the fork in his hands, “do you go to Southern hill?” he asks, Jackson nods, there is food in his mouth so he isn’t able to talk, not yet at least. “Could you take me there? My mother is stressing a bit now.”

 

“of course,” Jackson says, there is a bit of food that flies out of his mouth, and Namjoon scrunches his face in disgust.

 

“That’s gross,” he says, and Jackson laughs, somehow choking on the food, Namjoon hands him the cup of water, and he takes it.

 

“Thanks,” he says, and Namjoon smiles, as he takes the last bite of his plate. There is a question that comes to his mind when he remembers what happened last night.

 

Not that it was much, but yeah. After he slammed the door yesterday night, he turned around and saw Jackson standing there, he was a bit shocked, and Namjoon goes over to him, and asked if he was ok, but Jackson didn’t say anything, just nodding, and started walking inside of the apartment.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He remembers Jackson saying, “not right now at least.” And Namjoon respected that, he didn’t want to force the older to talk. He knew that if Jackson trusted him enough, he would eventually say it.

 

Also, they finally met after talking online for a really long period, and maybe it was bit awkward face to face, then it is online. People tend to have another personality sometimes, some act a lot tougher than they really are, some lie much, and even though it possible to lie face to face, they tend to add a bit more salt to the wound…

 

So, there is stuff Namjoon, doesn’t trust telling people too, he isn’t the only. There are people who rather have their flaws, or fears in control, and that isn’t telling each person, because you can’t fully know who to trust.

 

Namjoon tends to hold a lot secrets, and if one seems to slip, he can’t help but let other slip past his lips. Even though he knows he is going to regret later, he can’t seem to control, because holding everything inside you tend to let something out—

 

“So, yesterday…” Namjoon says, he looks up from his empty plate he has been staring at, and meets Jackson eyes, he turns stiff, and sits completely still, nervous facial expression takes over his face.

 

“I mean, why did they come?” Namjoon asks, you don’t need to tell me, but… yeah.” Namjoon looks away, unable to hold eye contact with anyone for too long. It makes him nervous and fidgety.

 

“They were probably going to ask for something.” He replies, his stiff posture turns a bit more relaxed, and he sighs “Namjoon, I promise I will they you, but I feel like this isn’t the right time, and I got some classes.”

 

“Yeah, sure.” He takes some water and gulps it down, and then stands up, “I’ll just use my clothes from yesterday.”

 

“I have this shirt from a friend of mine, you can use that. The jeans are ok though.” Jackson says, and moves over to his room, he gets a shirt from the friend he was talking about. And throws it at Namjoon.

 

 

Namjoon changes and walks into the living room. Jackson takes up his keys, phone and places them inside of his bag, “let’s go!” he says a bit to cheery before, dragging namjoon’s arm and out the exit door, “I’ll drive.”

 

Namjoon steps inside Jackson’s car on the passenger seat. He tugs on the belt when it doesn’t work a bit, he then let’s go, and tries it one more time, this one time he succeeded. Jackson does the same, before he starts the engine and starts driving out.

 

They don’t talk first, Jackson is too focused on his driving and Namjoon just nervous. He met Hoseok yesterday, he looked like a completely changed person and different from last time. He looked like one of those rich, really cool sport-type—kind of people from movies, or dramas, you know those sport jocks.

 

But Namjoon knows he isn’t. Not that type at least, he was kind-hearted and Namjoon doesn’t blame him for cheating, no, it wasn’t cheating, rather, maybe like he just lost his feelings for Namjoon. It was Namjoon’s only fault for being hopeless piece of shit.

 

And he knows if his past self would see how he is saying it wasn’t Hoseok’s fault and his own, Namjoon he would probably hate himself a lot more. But he can’t help this side of him that hates Hoseok, that really wants to see him suffer.

 

But that part is just small part of Namjoon, he knew he would never like to see anyone suffer like he did. Because it hurts, and not everyone is mentally strong to take the words. The words that is being told inside, not by anyone else. But by yourself, because what you think about yourself, is hurtful. In Namjoon’s opinion, it was.

 

Because it felt like each word he told himself was true, because no one can know that person so much like he does himself. Because he was the creator of what he is thinking, and what he is saying. And it felt like a part of his mind was having a war with the other side.

 

Like a big war of arguments and disagreement, and they destroyed him instead of doing what they thought they were; because nothing of what they were saying, and trying, only to the be doing the opposite, he felt like the headaches were growing each day.

 

And it hurt more each day that went by...

Chapter Text

Namjoon and Jackson part their way, Namjoon following the signs towards the school office. On his way Namjoon eyes keep on landing at different students, and he can’t help but think. ‘do they also suffer from anything?’

 

He has lately been noticing random people, looking anxious and stressed. And has been asking himself question like that. Because life doesn’t evolve around him, and people have their problems and fear they rather hide. And he should know that he isn’t the only one suffering, there are clearly other people who really need help. So instead of whining, he should be happy he is healthy.

 

Namjoon walks a bit unsure into the office, he looks for his mom, spotting her a bit further inside. He jogs over, “hey.” He greets, Namjoon’s mom nods, as he continues talking to one of the office staff.

 

His sister is sitting on one of the empty chairs. He takes a seat beside her. “So, did I miss anything?” he asks, she shakes her head in a ‘no’ and he nods looking away.

 

His mother comes in with a woman. She is wearing black high heels, along with a tight skirt, and a black cover. She walks over to Namjoon, and his sister. “Hello.” She greets and Namjoon nods, while his sister answers.

 

“Hi.”

 

>0<

They kept on talking, asking some questions, and it went on for a long time, until they gave them both papers. Showing their schedules and different classes. Namjoon and his sister were separated, his mother went with his sister. And he went with another office teacher.

 

She showed him just a few important places.

 

“You fucking started it,” The office woman, and Namjoon turned to the voice. There was a boy being pushed into the locker, Namjoon itched to walk over. But the teacher instead asked another girl who was standing nearby too take over for her.

 

“Miss, Ahn. Could you do me a favor and show Namjoon to his class?” she asks, before she jogs over to the fighting scene. Namjoon looks to the student, who hesisates before saying by to her friend. She walks over to Namjoon.

 

“Here, give me your schedule paper.” She says, and he hands over. He recognizes her. The way she her brown- golden hair moving back and forth. Also—she just reminds him of someone he has seen, he doesn’t clearly remember who it is. Just it feels a bit familiar.

 

“Wait,” she says, and looks at Namjoon, “I’ve remember you from…” she trails off, her hand making a thinking gesture. “Ah.. weren’t you that guy that was with Hoseok a lot?” and that’s what makes Namjoon remember her. She was the girl Hoseok liked. The one who got together with him.

 

“y- yes.” He says, feeling like his lung his squeezing tight, she starts walking, and he hesitates, before he walks after her. He is long over Hoseok—why is he still feeling like this then? Why is he still feeling hurt? Why-

 

“So.. anyways what happened to you two?” she asks, and takes a swing, walking down the hall. He thinks, what happened after… Nothing more than Namjoon closing himself in, skipping a lot of classes. Never paying attention to any class. Becoming really hurt, start ignoring a person who ignored him from before.

 

Nothing happened- nothing did feel like happening, Namjoon felt like the days went really slow, each minute felt like a never- coming year. It felt so long, and hurt so much—Namjoon was nearly not able to take anything more.

 

So, his mother chooses moving. She thought leaving behind everything will lead Namjoon to forgetting it. But no; it isn’t that easy. When these thoughts started hunting Namjoon, there was no way they were going to vanish.

 

No, he needed explanation, he need words, and everything in between. Just so he would know the reason why it was done. And no; he didn’t plan talking to Hoseok.. he would probably break down crying.

 

“are you there.. Namjoon-ssi?” she says, waving her hand a bit in front of Namjoon, he shakes his head, and smiles.

 

“yeah.” He says, “Nothing happened actually. Just friends growing bit” He explains

 

“The class won’t start yet.” She replies. She turns around and continues walking, and Namjoon follows after. They walk until she stands still, looking at the pair of boys standing by the locker to their right.

 

Namjoon recognized them as Hoseok and Jin. She looks at Namjoon. Giving him a weird look before she takes his hand, and drags him closer to himself. And hugs his right arm, smiling up at him. “Please. Pretend.” She says, and he gives her a small smile.

 

knowing that Hoseok wouldn’t believe anything was between them. Because he knows Namjoon isn’t straight. But he still didn’t have the heart to decline, so he still does as she says. And they walk a bit closer. And easier for them to be spotted.

 

“Namjoon, that is so cute of you.” She smiles, batting her eyes up at him. He gives her a smile, despite feeling really awkward with her. She gives Hoseok a glance, before she gives a satisfied smile to Namjoon; he takes that as in they’re watching.

 

When they get to a corner, and turn she let’s go off him. “Aren’t you together?” he asks, she looks at him a bit confused.

 

“How do you know?” she asks, “Or he might have told you, you were close.” She sighs, and leans back into the locker. “We broke up, a bit after.” She explains, pushing her hair back. “there were rumors going around, by the time you moved, some being about me and hoseok, others being about Hoseok having another girl- I never took our relationship serious, just a way for me to make someone else jealous, but he fell in love despite me being a bit cold.. anyways I started feeling guilty for the girl he dated, and we broke up… maybe a month after. “

 

Namjoon has this urge to yell at her, he doesn’t know where it is from. He knows that she is genuinely sorry, and that she didn’t, or might have known about it. But despite that, he still feels like she—

 

“Oh.” Is all he kind make out, he leans into the locker, and looks a bit around. “Why are you telling me this though? It feels like not that many knows about it.” He says, and she turns to him, looking at him a bit before, she turns away again.

 

“I don’t know.” She says and looks at her clock before standing straight, “I just feel like you have to know it. I’m not sure.” She gives back the paper, before walking a bit. “I got to go though, see… sometime?” she says it a bit unsure, before she waves and walks off.

 

He sighs, before walking his way over the office. She felt sad—like she went too far with this joke thingy, or jealous.. He saw the saddens in her eyes, and the way, regret was shown on her facial expression, makes him feel sorry for her.

 

Maybe she didn’t mean it.

 

Of course, she didn’t, it wasn’t like Hoseok and Namjoon’s relationship was.. official, some close friends knew about it. Not that many. Maybe two or three. He remembers Seokjin and.. it was another person, he doesn’t remember the name.

 

He walks into the office again, and takes a seat. He waits for his mother and sister. And they walk in, both having a smile on their faces. Their eyes land on Namjoon and his sister skips her way towards him.

 

“let’s go.” She says, and he stands up, walking up after his happy sister, while he was not feeling happy … at all. They walk over to their mother who is talking with one of the office lady’s, they wait a while before, she bids them goodbye and walk out-

 

His sister waves towards some few girls, and they smile and wave back at her. She smiles and he gives his mother a confused tilt, she chuckles as they walk into the car again.

 

When they both get into the car, “So how was it?” his mother asks, her question is towards Namjoon. And he thinks.

 

“I met some few old classmates.” He says, not knowing how to answer her properly. She nods, and starts the engineer, he fishes up his phone from his pocket. Surfing the net as his sister ramble about meeting her old friends again.

 

“They were surprised to see me again!” she smiles, “And happy, I felt better knowing I don’t have to struggle trying to get friends again.” Mother nodded, smiled and answered her, while Namjoon was at the back, listening to music while he typed random stuff down.

 

He was happy for his sister, she was always the shy type, and was more of a hyper-active at young age. Each time they moved, his sister struggled getting new friends, until she couldn’t make them anymore, and gave up on the idea.

 

Probably knowing they were going to move again.

 

 

 

Chapter Text

The next day at school felt foreign, felt weird, felt new. Obviously. He was trying to mix his and Jackson’s schedules but the other was way too busy with his major. Despite all the effort, Namjoon only succeeded in getting five-minute break when Jackson had his.

 

 “Namjoon?” Hoseok ex questions before he whips head around and their gazes are met. “Hi,” she greets. Namjoon is having a little crisis, one why is she talking to him? Two, why is she drenched in water?

 

“Uh hi?” he unsurely greets back. She smiles before taking a seat on the comfy sofa right outside the library, he follows suit. “Are you ok, Ms. Ahn?”

 

She chuckles, soothing a hand through her wet locks, “My name is Hwasa… ahn is too formal and yeah.. don’t say that.” A pause a long with hallow laugh—definitely not ok, “I could’ve been better?” she says it with an unsure, sad expression and honestly—Namjoon feels for her.

 

He sighs, “why is that… only if you want to talk about it.” she shakes her head in a ‘no’. “That’s fine!” he says overly too cheery before quickly adding, “uhm, wanna check out stuff in the library before class starts?”

 

She stares at him for a while before nodding slowly. Shivering slowly. He stands up, pulling his jacket off, a questioning look on her face, “Just put it on, don’t question it, even I don’t know what I’m doing,” he says, giving the jacket before entering the library.

 

“What exactly can we check out here?” she asks, as they both enter the rather quiet- student-free zone.

 

“Obviously read or relax?”

 

They both walk around the rather empty place. Namjoon loves it- was one of his favourite places when he was younger. It was full of entertainment and lacks humans which seems to bother him more than necessary. “It’s quiet and you don’t necessarily have to be bothered by people, also entertainment.”

 

She scoffs, “Entertainment? How? Where? As far as I know, parties and rebelling are entertainment.” Despite her expression and wording, Namjoon takes no offense. Personal preference! “I mean, that’s me though. Might be for the fact that I haven’t been able to read a… whole book in a long time. Might be in elementary school when I last did.”

 

Namjoon chuckles, and she quickly adds, “what? Don’t forget I said that I personally prefer parties and all that. Don’t judge!” she smiles, lightly hitting him on the shoulder to add onto her ‘embarrassment’ which doesn’t mean much as her expression says something else.

 

“Don’t worry, personal preference,” Namjoon adds after a few seconds of laughing. She blushes before whipping her head around, pulling out a random book.

 

“You said that you haven’t been able to read a book in a while right… I don’t think you’ll be able to read a novel at all,” he teases as he points toward the novel she’s holding in hand. “That’s to kill a mocking bird.”

 

“Are you saying I can’t read?” she says in a ‘offended’ playful way. Gasping with a hand over her heart. “Are you labelling me as one of those dumb, popular students?”

 

“Sure am.”

 

“I’m sure I will be able to read it!” she pauses as she glances at the book, “Okay maybe not this one but surely… uh… quick give me a book. Challenge me!” she asks, as she rapidly tries looking for a book.

 

Namjoon jokingly pulls up ‘invisible man’ “I, Kim Namjoon challenge you to read this book.” She bites her lip, quickly glancing between the book and Namjoon, pouting up at the other. Namjoon laughs, “I’m joking, I have the perfect book that’ll hopefully suit you,” he drags her across the library, humming, “This one, one of us is lying, it was a good read.”

 

She bites her lips, “it’s a bit thick isn’t it.”

 

Namjoon full on laughs, completely forgetting himself, “Uh…” his laughter bubbles up again and he stops mid-sentence, “what about, the very hungry caterpillar.”

 

She embarrassedly pulls ‘one of us is lying’ out of Namjoon’s hand before adding, “shut up, I read that when I was a kid! I will definitely read this and show you,” she lightly smiles, not taken any offense in Namjoon’s words.

 

“Sure, sure, I’m just joking with you,” Namjoon says after his moment of laughing, “do you want me to give you a time limit or not?”

 

She fiddles with her hands, “No,” Namjoon smiles, “Wait, uh, not yet at least okay?” he nods and she smiles before stuttering towards the machine where she could borrow the book. “uh, I don’t have my library card."

 

“Use mine.” Hwasa hesitates before taking it. mumbling a quiet ‘thanks’.

 

Their time quickly ended as he pointed out the class had already started for him. Being over twenty minutes late. Namjoon can lie to himself and say it doesn’t faze him but he is sure his fidgeting and panicked expression on his face tells the truth. Hwasa tells him not to go to class in that state, adding ‘you remind me of someone who’ll embarrass themselves on their way in class,’.

 

That quickly shuts his arguments up. Because that explains Namjoon personality in one sentence. Clumsy. Paranoid. Overly anxious person. They end up taking a walk outside campus, not wanting to attract attentions from the hall monitor.

 

Sitting at the café with their drinks in hand, they forget themselves in their little conversation. The entrance door rattles and they both turn their heads towards the familiar voices. “Hoseok and his gang,” Hwasa scoffs and Namjoon nods, feeling his body go all jiggly and uncomfortable, “I don’t know why I feel so alarmed whenever they are where I am.”

 

Namjoon agrees with that. He knows why though, they were never able to discuss their break up at all. Namjoon vanished without confirming their relationship ended. However, he doesn’t care about that… he knows Hoseok didn’t mind. He knows Hoseok was happy he finally got rid of his bother. “Uh huh,” he lets out, too lost in thought.

 

“They all look like bunch of fuck boys not going to lie,” she comments on. They do indeed look like group of boys whom go after different partners. Seek love and attention from whoever gets their attention. Namjoon remembers the cute Jungkook guy who asked for his number—his apart of that group. “Namjoon?”

“ah,” he breaths, “I guess they do? Not that I’m paying much attention to them.”

 

She eyes him weirdly, chuckling, “Yeah sure hon, watching boys with mouth agape and letting out a breath of confusion… totally doesn’t sound like paying attention.” Namjoon chokes.

 

And coughs. She laughs before humor turning into worry, she stands up, patting his back. “Don’t die on me Joon.”

 

He laughs when he’s finally able to get his breath back to normal again. “Joon you say? Don’t worry hon, not going to die. Not without drinking my drink first.”

 

She pouts, rapidly stealing Namjoon’s drink and jogging to the exit. “Hwasa! Don’t you dare.”

 

Hwasa pokes her tongue out, taking a sip of her drink. A ‘try me’ expression on her face. He gets to her, and she closes her eyes anticipating a hit. he pets her head instead. “Loser,” he smiles before they both exit the room.

 

 

Quite unaware of the reaction they got from the table with students from their school. The apparent fuckboys, sharing quite confused looks and “They are a thing?”. While some other popular students ask among themselves, “Hwasa goes for such guys?”.