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Grim Heart

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Minhyun can’t put into words the hurt he feels whenever he sees that innocent smile and sparkly eyes in front of him. He wants to be away from Dongho, but at the same time, he can’t because Dongho is the port where his heart sails to. He is stuck. Dongho is part of his past and present but there is a piece of their intertwined story that would forever remain in history .Dongho had decided to close that book off once and for all, the story they built since 2011 ended abruptly on a cold day in 2014. Minhyun can still recall the day vividly, the darkness of the day lingering in his mind and haunting his life perhaps forever.

They are on their apartment balcony. He doesn’t know why the other guy brought him here, he just knows that there is no smile on Dongho’s face and no spark in his eyes. Truthfully, Minhyun is scared.
“I think it’s best for us to let go of everything.” The words hit Minhyun like a truck – no, he questions if even that can be this painful. He hopes that Donghois just playing, that this is just a cruel joke on him. A painful joke that he is willing to forgive if only Dongho would take his words back.But even in his desperation, he could tell how serious the other guy is and he doesn’t want to accept it.
No words are coming out from Minhyun’s mouth but he could tell that Dongho is waiting for something. He is expecting something from Minhyun whom now has nothing at all. Some sort of reply, any kind of reply will do. He knows this because he understands Dongho and his need for attention, his need for answers. He wants to force himself to tell Dongho how cruel he is and how rude he is to make that decision by himself. He wants to ask him to never say that again and to stay with him. But no, the only word that he can process is “Why?”
While his small question flows from his mouth, tears flow from his eyes. Through his blurry vision, he looks at Dongho in the eyes while forcing more words out of his mouth. “Why? Tell me the reason why you want it.”
“Because I’m unsure of us.” With that answer, Minhyun decides to stay quiet and leave.

“Hey, Minnie are you listening? I feel like I keep talking to myself while you’re spacing out.” Dongho says from their video call.

Minhyun could only smile at the complaint that Dongho launched at him. This is the reason why it is so hard to move on from you, Minhyun thinks to himself. “Sorry Dongho, can you repeat your question again?”

“Will you come to visit next holiday? You said YMC will give Wannaone a 10 days holiday, which is pretty long.” Dongho says before coughing. “Sorry I caught a cold, bad immune system you know.”

“You always have a bad immune system, that’s why I keep scolding you not to skip your vitamins,” Minhyun says while giggling. “And about the holiday. Of course, I will visit my brothers, only I don’t know how long it will be because I already have no room –”

“You can stay in my room,” Dongho says casually. Too casually that he probably didn’t give a thought about how Minhyun might feel. He is sometimes too innocent and too pure to be true but at the same time just so frustratingly dumb. Minhyun is only able to reply with a smile that says thank you but also contains a million reasons why that is not a good idea. Honestly, he wants to respond with tears and screams, but nah maybe next time. You’re too cruel you know, Minhyun thinks to himself again while watching that dumb face from a small screen.

“I also plan to go to Busan for 3 or 4 days and spend the rest of the holiday with other Wannaone members here since some of them decided to stay.” Minhyun continues while rubbing the back of his neck.

Their chat continues for the next 45 minutes until he is scolding Dongho to sleep early. “You won’t get any better if you keep sleeping late Dongho-ya,” he says.

He hears a bright laughter and sees a cute smile from the other guy. Pretty. “You are always so noisy. That’s the reason why I miss you so much. I hope you’ll consider staying a little bit longer here, my bed is always yours too. Good night Minhyun.” With that, they end the call.

He throws his phone to the side and wipes the tears that had started to fall. Tears that he held back the entire time without even realizing it. He sometimes wonders what Dongho actually feels. Do they share a mutual feeling of fear? The type of fear that no one understands except him. The fear of opportunities that could be missed, the fear of a tragedy he can’t fix, the fear of living in the real world, and mostly the fear of losing someone that he doesn’t own. Minhyun sighs. Thanks to Kang Dongho he is now a drunken mess even without drinking.

He closes his eyes while listening to the laughter from the living room, all alone in his shared room. Wannaone has this unspoken rule that everybody somehow follows without asking which is “leave the member alone if he is in contact with anyone not related to Wannaone,” They do this to respect each other limited privacy. Through the closed door, he can hear Sungwoon cracking some jokes, Seongwoo making fun of Woojin, and above the din, Daniel’s contagious laughter. Even though he wants to go outside to spend time with his members, that will lose over his body that’s too weak or maybe too lazy to move.

So he takes his headset from under his pillow and decides to listen to some songs on his phone. He knows that DBSK and JYJ will never disappoint him. He lets his playlist choose one song after another, half-listening the songs until the familiar melody of Mirotic comes through. Minhyun loves Mirotic but he hates the memories that the song brings. It is Nu’est’s must-singsong in karaoke.Or maybe just him and Dongho. Jonghyun would sometimes butt in the rap part but it was mostly just Minhyun and Dongho.

Dongho..

He wonders how he still loves this guy so dearly. Now they are apart; Minhyun in Wannaone dorm, Dongho in Nu’est dorm…Isn’t this is a good thing? Now he can fully learn how to move on if he wants to but truthfully he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to move on and he doesn’t know which part of him is preventing that. Does he need to persuade his head or his heart? Thinking too much about it just creates another layer of fear in Minhyun so he usually just let his thoughts flow freely, thoughts that he knows won’t be translated into actions.

They’re broke up but honestly what has changed? From an outsider’s perspective, probably not much. But in Minhyun’s shoes, everything and nothing has changed. The constant fear and worry are definitely not pleasant to live with. Seeing Dongho interact with other people makes them worst; each smile and touch on the arm is like a beacon to Minhyun; a constant reminder saying he is not yours.Yet they are still each other’s backbone. And they still hug each other, hang out with each other, and somehow still have sex together. Yes, sex together is apparently still okay. Minhyun remembers how Minki interrogated him about it.

“Minhyun, I don’t know if you want to die from a heartache, but we both know this is not good for you and Dongho,” he can hear the concern in his friend’s voice.
“I just want to hold on to everything that is left for us,” Minhyun answers quietly. He understands why Minki is worried, but he can't-do anything when he still desperately wants it. Minki can’t put all of the blame on Dongho either. Not when nMinhyunso willingly takes part in whatever dangerous game they’re playing. Not that it was ever a game to Minhyun.
“I know you’re not dumb, and I know you know the consequences. It will bite you later in the future and you and ‘the dumb one’ know that. It’s not even a one-time thing. I’m really worried for you.Both of you, even though I haven’t approached him yet. Think twice, no seriously.Think.Twice.Before you end up running and crying into my room.”

Somehow Minhyun is too deep in his thoughts that he doesn’t hear the soft knocks from the outside until someone calls his name.

“Hyung it’s me, can I come in? I want to take my stuff from Jihoon hyung’s bag.” It is Daehwi.

“Of course you can come in Daehwi yah, sorry I didn’t reply to your knock before, I accidentally fell asleep.” The white lie easily slips from his mouth.Anything is better than having to explain what’s inside his head.

Daewhi comes in, the boy wearing a simple white t-shirt and blue pajamas short. He walks slowly to Jihoon’s bag and grabs a bottle of sunblock. “He used mine without telling me, I’ve been looking for it since this afternoon, and he just told me now. That asshole,” Daehwi explains. Somehow Minhyun finds the image of the young boy cursing to be so cute. He laughs while forcing his body into a sitting position. “And sorry hyung to bother your sleep, I’ll leave now and tell our members that you’re asleep,” the boy says while proceeding to leave the room.

“It’s okay Daehwi-ya.” Minhyun smiles. He grabs his phone and remembers something. “Hey, do you want to know who called me earlier?” Minhyun asks. He knows about the younger boy’s sort-of-secret crush toward Dongho. Minhyun figured he should feel annoyed with their different situations but he honestly doesn’t feel it at all. They are both trying to reach the same island using different boats. Like Dongho’s heart, Minhyun has no rightsoverDaehwi’s heart too.

Minhyun spots a faint blush onDaehwi's face. “Was it him?” Daehwi asks quietly.

“Hmm. It was Dongho indeed.” Minhyun smiles after seeing the younger’s face turn tomato-red. “Isn’t it ironic how you’re feeling for him now? Just the other day you were intimidated by him, but now here you are falling for him,” Minhyun teases.“And by the way, I think you’ll be happy to know he looks as hot as ever today,” he continues with a laugh.

“Well I can’t help my heart hyung..” the younger boy says shyly while sitting next to Minhyun on the bed. Same, Daehwi-ya, same, Minhyun thinks to himself.

“But please, I beg you to never tell anyone about it. Only you, Jinyoung hyung, Jihoon hyung, and Guanlin knows.”

“Well I don’t plan on telling anyone about it, so your secret is safe with me. I still don’t get why you told me that in the first place though.Aren’t you worried that I will tell my members about it?” Minhyun asks, incredibly curious as to why he was entrusted with that secret if it means so much to him. He doesn’t think he is that close to Daehwi.

There is an awkward pause before Daehwi opens his mouth. “Because I feel like you might understand.”The words shocked Minhyun more than everything but he tries to maintain a calm and collected façade and hides his sweaty palms from Daehwi.

“And explain to me what you meant by hot, hyung. I need details to feed my imagination,” Daewhi asks with a cheeky smile on his face.

“Well he actually lost some weight, probably from exercise, and his shoulders looked boarder than ever. He was wearing a black tank top that exposed his tattoos. Of course.” Minhyun rolls his eyes and Daewhi giggles.“His hair was messy in a cute way.And… argh, now I regret I didn’t take a screen capture of it to show you,” he continues with a smile. Dongho indeed looked really nice today, he was so breathtaking. Minhyun notices the younger boy grinning from ear to ear, slightly pink in the cheeks; he could probably guess what’s on his mind.

Minhyun closes his eyes for a while and thinks about the state of his poor heart. Daehwi’s words are ringing in his head. “Because I feel like you might understand”. Because Minhyun might understand. Because maybe –

“Hey, Daewhi…”

“Yes hyung?”

“I also have a secret. One that maybe only you might understand.”