Chapter 1: Angel
Fate, what a word *Eye Roll* A word invented by authors to romanticize a story just to sell books.
I don’t think I ever really believed in fate; that life has this grand plan for us. How everything just kind of works out the way it was supposed to and not always in the way we think it should. I did not understand really how fate was supposed to work; until of course the day that I met Even.
The first time I saw him it was when I was visiting my mom at the hospital. At first I wasn’t even sure he was real. The light bounced off his blonde locks, his blues eyes were beautiful and he was taller than me which was surprising. He was wearing a white t-shirt and the light just made him glow in like a halo, an angel perhaps. His cheek bones were high and his hair hung forward and soft over his face, he was the most gorgeous person I had ever seen. I think my mouth hung open until my mom interrupted my thoughts
“Honey, what are you looking at?” she asked me
“What?” I reluctantly drag my eyes away from him and look at her “What?” I say again
“What are you looking at?” and her eyes look in the same direction. Thankfully a crowd had kind of swallowed him up and I said “Nothing, just thought I saw someone I knew” I say quickly
“Oh you can go say hello if you wish darling” she says patiently
“No mom, I don’t know him and I am here for you. Want to go walk in the garden?” I ask and she nods and follows me outside
We are walking around the garden arm in arm. You know that feeling you get like someone has their eyes on you. Well I look up at the windows, and I can’t be sure but I could have sworn I saw someone standing in one of the windows looking down at me; I shake my head and keep walking. My eyes must be playing tricks on me.
A week later I am at the hospital again and I am in the garden with my mom. We are walking close and she has her arm thread through mine as I lead her. These are my favorite times with her, when she remembers me. When she is calm and we can just be still together. Neither one of us really minds the quiet and when she is lucid we just seem to be in sync.
My mom is schizophrenic; she has been in the hospital for the last 3 years. I come and see her often and many nights I can be found asleep at the foot of her bed. When she is having a bad spell I am the only one who can seem to calm her; well without meds anyway. The doctors are good to her and if they can’t get ahold of me they do medicate her but they always call and still have me come. I am also allowed in bed with her, I lay with her and hold her telling her about random things and she seems content. My dad is a doctor and has pull at the hospital that is the only reason I am able to stay, and come and go as I please. I live with my dad, and I tolerate him because he made sure my mom got help when she got really bad. It was a long road because she really didn’t want help but eventually it got too hard and after she tried to jump off the roof of our apartment building we finally got her in a good program.
I love my mom. My dad and I agree on how to take care of her but we agree on little else. He is good to her but he has been seeing someone else even though he pretends otherwise. I don’t agree with his decision but my mom is cared for and that is all I care about. He leaves me alone at the house almost every night and I pretend it doesn’t bother me even though it does. I spend most nights at the hospital and no one bothers me. On the nights I am at home, it is so quiet sometimes I think I have gone deaf. I don’t even like to call it home because it doesn’t feel that way. I have never really known a proper home but here at the hospital with my mom I kind of made one. I am afraid of being alone, though I would never admit it to anyone. I dread walking into the house alone, then crawling in my cold bed. I don’t usually sleep those few nights I am actually there.
My mom and I are taking our weekly stroll through the gardens and that is when I see him again. He is not alone; a beautiful girl is sitting with him her hand on his thigh and he pulls away from her touch. She is too young to be is mother, his sister? Girlfriend? He looks heavily medicated today, that kind of drawn out look. I can tell by his movements, slow and dazed. He still looks beautiful to me, he has soft pink lips that look a bit dry and cracked right now, his exquisite blue eyes a little dull from the meds but still breathtaking. He looks at me, our eyes meet and I quickly look away flushing. Why am I blushing?
“How is school darling?” my mom asks pulling me from my reverie.
“Good just about done with 3rd year, and looking at what I want to study at university.”
She smiles at me then “That’s good baby, you are so smart”
She leans in to me then and rubs her head on my arm; I take my free hand and run it through her hair. I love these moments with her.
That night I stay with my mom, she could see the dread in my eyes about going home alone to that house. She always can tell when it gets to be too much. I lay with her that night and my mind wanders. Pale pink lips, soft blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes are the last conscious thought I have.
Then next time I see him it is while we are eating lunch. I hate the cafeteria food so I sneak in good stuff for us and I bring candies for her ‘friend’. He is nice and I know there is more there but she is an adult and my dad is not so innocent either so I don’t say a word. He is kind to her, caring. I have walked into her room and he is there reading to her. It is tender and I can’t fault either of them for liking each other.
I look up and there he is the boy I can’t seem to get out of my head; looking better today his eyes more alive his movements less jerky. His smile is breathtaking as a woman who must be his mother approaches. The girl from the other day is with her too and he smiles at her but not as brightly; it is almost like he is just acknowledging her presence and that is all. His mother hugs him and he clings to her, it is a wonderful thing to see, another boy who loves his mother. The girl comes around to offer a hug and he shy’s away then, not wanting to be touched. She seems to get upset at this and looks at the boy’s mom and then with tears in her eyes leaves the room. I want to roll my eyes, and go and tell her, it’s not about you. But I don’t because it is not my place and I should not be this invested anyway. His mother allows him this she doesn’t chastise him for his behavior she simply kisses his forehead and they sit, talk, eat and laugh. When the sounds of his laughter reach me I feel goosebumps rise on my skin. I look up at him again and our eyes meet, I don’t look away this time, I offer a smile. He smiles back at me and damn it I blush. We hold each other’s gaze for a wonderful moment and then we both look away, still smiling.
That night while I am lying at the foot of my mom’s bed and I am listening to her breathing, slow and steady a pair of striking blue eyes are dancing across my thoughts and I fall asleep with a smile on my face.
The next time I see him he is not having a good day; he is sitting in a corner completely pulled in on himself and crying. The girl, it has to be his girlfriend; the way she got upset by lack of affection and the way she touches him is not how you would be with a sibling.
She keeps trying to touch him and he keeps trying to get away and just keeps crying. I feel my blood boil, can’t she see that she is upsetting him more!! I can’t keep quite I just can’t, she is looking around helpless and sees me approaching. Her eyes shimmering with tears
“I just want to take him back to his room and he won’t go” she says in a shaky voice
The boy on the floor makes a distraught noise at the sound of her voice, I don’t blame him she is pissing me off and I don’t even know her.
“Why are you trying to do that when it is obviously upsetting him?” I ask, I watch as his body stills at the sound of my voice
“Because he is upset and needs to be in his room” She says a little indignantly,
“Clearly he doesn’t want you to touch him; you are distressing him and making it worse. He is quite capable of going to his room on his own if he wants, so maybe just leave him be.” I reply letting my irritation leak into my voice
“You don’t even know him how could you possible know that?” she is pissed now. Good this will make it so much easier
“Because I am not stupid” I say to her all the pent up annoyance flowing now
Her eyes grow wide at my words and my tone “And because I can clearly read body language better than you.”
She is about to interrupt but I hold up my hand to stop her “And because I take care of my mom, I am here all the time. I know what it looks like to be lost, to not have control of your own body and to just not want to be touched. You can’t control how he feels, you can’t control his emotions and you certainly can’t control if he wants to be touched or force him back to his room because it upsets you to have others see him so distraught. He is also not an invalid and can walk back to his room by himself if he chooses to, so for the last time just LEAVE HIM BE!!” I say the last three words clearly and much louder; they kind of echo off the halls.
“Don’t you dare stand there and try to tell me how to take care of my boyfriend. I love him and I just want to help him” She says louder trying to match my tone.
I am staring at her with pure hate when Mike one of the orderly’s approaches then “Everything ok Isak?” he asks me, they all know me here but Mike has become a good friend over the years that I have been coming.
I look at her and raise my eye brows in question at her.
She replies “Yes it is fine, I am just leaving” and she turns and stalks out of the room “Bye Even” she says over her shoulder, he does not even dignify it with a response. This secretly pleases me to no end.
Mike looks at the boy on the floor; he is no longer crying just sitting there stone still. I am hoping I didn’t upset him but I am not about to touch him or ask, he needs to be left alone.
“Even?” Mike says “Even? Do you want something to drink?”
He seems to have noticed his name and slowly shakes his head. Mike looks at me, asking with his eyes if he should stay and help; I shake my head and so he takes this as a que to leave.
I smile knowing the boy, is ok now and I turn to leave, I am almost out of the room when I hear a faint “Thank you Isak” come from the boy on the floor, he used my name. I smile a little at this because now we do have each other’s names thanks to the Mike.
I turn to meet his small sad gaze “You are welcome Even” I reply
And he doesn’t really smile but he is no longer frowning and turns back to the wall as I leave the room.
I walk up to my mom’s room and I don’t even realize I am still smiling until “What has you so happy tonight?” she asks
“Nothing mom, just happy to see you” I reply
“Liar” she teases me but then says “But that’s ok I will take the sweet lie” she leans in and kisses me and we snuggle together in her bed and I read her a story.
The next time I see him it is a bad day for my mom. I get her dressed and I notice she is a bit quite today and pulled in on herself more than usual. I know a break will be coming soon so I keep a watch out for her. It comes at breakfast when a visitor passes by.
She says to me “that man was looking at me Isak, I think he is one of them” her voice low
“OK mom, I will let the doctors know” I say calmly
She keeps looking at him and I can see she is starting to get upset. He hands fidget and become restless.
“Mom lets go lay down and have nap together” I suggest
“No he will follow us and then he will know where I have hidden it” she says
At this I know it is coming, I send a look to one of the orderly’s Mike, who knows me and he nods. He goes out into the hall and grabs a few more people but before they can come back she is standing up and running at the man who passed by us before,
“I know why you are here!! You can’t have it!! You can’t!!!” she shouts at the man
He looks so confused and I can’t blame him “Mom!” I shout “Please, mom look at me”
She turns then her eyes are wide unfocused “Baby run, run before he gets you too” she pleads at me
“Not without you mom, I won’t go without you” I say my hand extended towards her
She nods slowly coming towards me but then she sees the orderly’s descending on her
“No please, no please, not again, I will be good I promise” She is backing away
The last time this happened it was such a mess, it doesn’t bother me but she was so embarrassed. I always try to at least get her somewhere else so that everyone isn’t looking at her. It can be hard and when she sees them coming for her it makes it so much worse.
Then I see Even, he stands up and walks towards her
“I know a way out” he says to her
She turns and looks at him “You do?”
He smiles and nods at her “Yes, come.”
He puts his hand out and she takes it willingly then she turns to Even “Can my Isak come too?”
He smiles at her and then at me “Of course he can”
She reaches for my hand and I walk to her and take it. He leads us out into the hall and then the orderly’s come up from behind and gently take her, she shouts and struggles but they are able to at least sedate her, and then they put her in a wheel chair and take her away.
I start to cry, big heaving sobs leave my body as I watch them take her away. I lean against the wall and fall to the ground crying uncontrollably. I hear Mike say something but I don’t pay attention and then I feel someone sit next to me, it is Even. We don’t speak and he doesn’t touch me, he just sits there offering comfort. Eventually I lean into him because I like to be comforted with touch. His arms move and then come around me as he pulls me into him. We just sit there in the hall and he comforts me while cry.
We are sitting there for a long while till my sobs become quiet but Even never lets me go. I am sure I have soaked his shirt with my tears and runny nose but he doesn’t seem to mind. Then he leans his head against my ear and I hear him start to hum ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay. My tears come a little slower then and I swear I could feel his lips brush my hair. I feel safe and comforted and for a few moments I forget myself, who I am where I am and I let myself be saved.
“Even” the girl comes out of the cafeteria, I don’t look up I can’t deal with her today. I feel his body shift and go rigid at the sound of her voice and he looks up but he doesn’t let me go.
“What?” is all he says in a harsh tone
“Are you coming back?” she asks quietly
“No” and that is all that he offers her. She must eventually walk away because he relaxes again and uses the arm he has wrapped around me to pull me a bit closer and rub slowly along my arm. Time seems to just drift by unbeknownst to me. I wish I could appreciate this moment more, that I am in Even’s arms. That for a few brief moments it feels like he is mine. But I can’t full appreciate it and I will regret it later.
“Isak” I hear the doctor say and I look up
“Isak, your mom is asking for you. She wants to sleep, will you come lay with her for a while?” he says
I nod and look up at Even our faces are so close, I have never been this close to him before. He is even more beautiful than I had originally thought and he smiles at me and my heart squeezes. I give him a weak smile back and he helps me to stand up. The doctor turns to lead the way and as I leave Even’s warm embrace I realize what a loss it is, how much I crave crawling right back into his arms.
I turn to look at him and he is making his way back to the cafeteria and I say “Thank you Even”
Even stops at my voice and turns a small smile on his lips “You are welcome Isak”
With that, we both turn and leave. It was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long time, offering me comfort. I could still feel the ghost of his arms around me as I walked to my mom’s room.
My mom had been hiding her meds, not taking them so that is why she had an episode. I stayed with her as long as I could but eventually I had to leave, I had school the next day and I needed a shower and new clothes. I would be done with school soon.
The next time I see Even my mom and I are in the garden, I am reading Walt Whitman poems to her and he comes to sit down across from me on the ground. I feel a little self-conscious but I don’t stop reading. I keep looking at him and every time I do he is looking at me and he smiles. My mom eventually gets up and I get up to leave with her but she tells me to stay she is just going to the lady’s room. I sit there and I am looking at Even and he is looking at me, I can feel my skin heat under his intense gaze.
“Should I keep reading?” I ask him
“Please, I like listening to you read, you have a soothing voice” he says
I blush easily at his compliment; the blush grows as I read the next few lines and realize I feel as though I am reading them directly to him.
*** “I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again, I am to see to it that I do not lose you” ***
I look up as I read this last line and his eyes are pinning me to my seat, my skin breaks out in goosebumps under his handsome regard. I have to look away; I want something that does not belong to me. I feel the blush still as I keep reading.
The last time, well I didn’t know it would be the last time or I would have taken more time to memorize his face, his eyes, and his laugh.
I was out in the garden, my mom was resting she was having a bad day. One of the orderly’s came up to me “Isak” I turned at the sound of my name
“Hey Mike, what can I do for you?” I say
“I need your help, and I know I shouldn’t ask but I really need your help” he says looking a little embarrassed
“Ok, sure. What can I help you with?” I say
“Can you come with me?” he asks looking around like he is nervous
I follow him inside and we head to the wing of younger patients; I don’t normally come down here. I am not allowed and I respect that.
I hear the shouting before I get to the room, FUCK!!
“Even I am here for you, why can’t you just let me be here. I love you. I just want to comfort you. Why are you being such an asshole!!!” I hear her shout at him
My hands ball into fits as I look at the orderly “I asked her to stop and to leave but she won’t and all the other orderlies are afraid of her, please help me to get her to leave. Even is panicking and I know you can calm him down like before.”
I nod and walk up to the room and round the corner. The sight almost breaks my heart, Even is again on the floor holding his legs to his chest rocking. Fucking hell what is wrong with this girl?!?!
She is hovering over him trying to touch him and he is shaking.
“STOP!!” I shout
She flinches at the sound of my voice and Even goes still
“What the fuck is wrong with you??!!” I shout
“You again really?!?! I see you brought a body guard too again” she scoffs at me
“Yes me again, and you need to leave like 10 minutes ago. You are upsetting him yet again you selfish bitch!” She is about to interrupt so I hold up my hand “This is NOT ABOUT YOU!!!” I shout. She shrinks back from me now as I move into the room.
“I love him” She pleads “I love him and I am trying to help”
“This” I say pointing to Even, who is still on the floor rocking, holding himself “This, what you have done to him; it is not helping and this is not love. If you can’t see that then I really can’t help you.”
“I love him” she repeats
I roll my eyes; I am so done with this.
“We can call the police or 10 more people to either take you away in hand cuffs or sedate you and check you in here. Or you can simply turn around, get the fuck out and never come back” I look at my watch “Choice is yours but I would choose quickly, I already here people running this way”
She looks scared now and looks out into the hall; she must see them, the whitecoats. Running towards the room “Tic Toc, witch; what will it be?”
She grabs her coat and makes a run for it. I laugh at her but then I look at Mike “Can I have a minute before they come in here. Please!” I beg him
He nods and shuts the door; the quiet that follows is astounding.
I move to sit next to him and I wait. His body seems to relax a bit as he realizes it is just us.
“Even” I say into the quiet “Even it is just me now”
He looks at me, eyes red rimmed and scared, he is still magnificent.
“Can I hold you?” I ask, always making sure it is ok. That is what you do because touching without permission is not ok
He nods and leans into me at the same time I reach for him, pulling him against me
“Bed?” is the only word he says and I help him up and into his bed, I tuck him in but he reaches for me and I can’t resist him. I tuck myself in behind him, wrapping my arms around him and drag my leg over his hip. I am using my weight to create comfort. He doesn’t seem to mind though as I push my face into the hair at the nape of his neck. I do this on instinct as if this is how we always lay together. I breathe him in and his body melts against me. I can feel as he relaxes under my touch.
I hear the door open a little and Mike is arguing with whoever is at the door.
“It is Isak, he fixed it please just let him stay. He got him in bed and quiet” Mike says
They must agree because the door closes again. I start to hum pressed into his body ‘Fix You’ because it felt right, in the moment. He seems to relax even more under my touch and I listen as his breath evens out and his pulse quiets.
I lay there for hours just listening to the sound of him breathing. Eventually the shift change happens and I am asked to leave. I didn’t want to I really didn’t want to leave; it felt like the most painful thing I ever had to do, it felt like leaving behind a part of me. I did one more thing that I was not proud of because I didn’t ask him first, but I leaned in and I kissed his cheek. Just a small gentle brush of my lips.
As I leave I see the drawings on his wall, little cartoons. I smile because they are funny and a part of him I had not seen before. On his desk is a small green book a pencil lying on top of it. I am so tempted to look but I don’t because it would not be right, if Even wanted me to see he would show me.
I turn once more to the beautiful boy asleep on the pathetic mattress, I left my heart in the room with him that night and it was the last time I saw Even.
Mike helped me to sneak up to his room the next day but he wasn’t there, it was OK my mission was simple. I had picked a single dandelion from the garden and I left it for him on his pillow along with a note:
- Just like this dandelion you are resilient; strength doesn’t come from never being broken it comes from continuing on regardless <3
I don’t sign it because he will know.
I looked for him every day but I did not see Even again.
I ask about him about a week later to one of the orderly’s who said “Isak you know I can’t talk about patients with you”
I looked down sad and dejected I understood I really did
“But that kid that helped you and your mom out that one day, he checked out a few days ago” he smiles and winks at me.
“Thanks Mike” I say
I smile back at him but it quickly falls off my face as I realize I would not see him anymore. I should have asked for his phone number, I should have tried harder to come to see him but how do you try to hit on someone when they are in a mental institution. The truth is you don’t. It would have been in poor taste, he doesn’t need any more stress in his life. His girlfriend looks like enough trouble and it is presumptuous of me to think he would still want contact with me after he left, he doesn’t really know me or owe me anything.
Still I will miss him, miss his smile and that small laugh that is stamped into my memory. I close my eyes and let it run through my head again and it makes me smile. I will miss the way he looked at me when I read to him, the way he let me hold him when no one else could. I will miss the sky blue of his eyes and the scent that clung to his skin that night I held him in my arms. The world is a better place because that beautiful soul exists.
“Ok that smile is absolutely not for me” my mom says interrupting my day dream
“Fine, it is not for you” I say winking at her
“Then who is it for?” she asks and I hesitate “I won’t tell your dad, I promise I know how he is”
I smile at her “Even” I say simply
She looks at me and smiles an indulgent motherly smile “I knew it” she says
“Knew what?” I ask indignantly
“That boy, I saw you watching him” she winks at me “Well he is cute”
“Mom” I say blushing and then I nod “Yes he is, but he is gone now so….”
“So…” she says
“So I don’t know anything about him or how to find him. It is just as well he has a girlfriend, I don’t even know if he likes boys” I say dejected
“So if it is meant to be it will be Isak that is how fate works. And as far as the girlfriend goes well I saw the way he looked at her and the way he looked at you. The way he would take stolen glances of you, believe me when I say he likes boys; well one boy in particular.” she says winking at me
“What? What do you mean the way he would look at me?” I ask surprised I hadn’t noticed
“I might be a bit crazy at times Isak but I am not stupid, I would see him look at you when he thought you were not looking; you weren’t but I was. He would smile to himself just watching you.” She says this with tenderness “Anyone who looks at my boy like that knows”
“Knows what?” I ask
“That you are extraordinary” she says simply
I kiss her forehead and hold her, letting my heart swell at these words. Well it is in fates hands now I guess and I will have to wait and see what fate has in store for me.
Fate, oh that word *Eye Roll*
Chapter 2: The Taste of Memory
Three Months Later...
Three Months Later Still ISAK POV
The time after Even was hard, I missed him. More than that, I feel like I have missed out on something. That my life should have gone a different way. Lying in bed at night in a dark, cold, empty house I think of the time I held him as he slept. I remember the way his breath would come and go through his mouth. The way his sweat smelled against the nap of his neck. How right my body felt against his and how perfectly it fit. The feel of his skin against my lips when I kissed him goodbye, I can still taste it. How tight he held onto me that night and once I left and was in my own bed; how that was the first good night’s sleep I got in a long time, and how it was the last.
My anxiety got better when I came out to my friends but also it got worse. They were all constantly trying to hook me up with guys at parties and I simply could not get into anyone. All I would see was that they were not Even. Their laugh paled in comparison, their smile did not make my heart race. I knew I should let him go, but the memory of him haunted not only my dreams but make waking memory too. It was a constant thing, like the drip of a faucet. Even, Even, drip, drip, Even, Even….
I would think I see him when the light would catch on someone’s blonde hair, or I would catch the glimpse of a tall lean, stranger in a crowd. It felt like an obsession almost and I would think to myself; I wonder if he ever thinks of me half as much as I think of him? I know how crazy I sound believe me, but sometimes a person comes into your life and turns it upside down and you can’t go back. That is what Even did to me and I can’t seem to let him go and honestly I don’t want too.
So here I am at a party and Emma is hanging all over me again. She knows I am gay, I have told her but since I don’t date she seems to think there is still a chance. Her body is pressed against me and all I can think is that she is too soft, and she does not have that that smile I miss so much. She is talking incessantly and all I want to do is punch her in the face so she will quit talking. That’s right you heard me, I want to hit her but I never would. Instead I drink more beer and drown myself in memories. Thankfully Jonas wants to leave and he is letting me sleep over. I hate being home alone and it is nice to know I don’t have to tonight.
I am laying in the dark in Jonas’s room “Can I ask you something?” Jonas says into the dark
“Sure” I reply
“You don’t seem interested in anyone; I know we kind of keep pushing you. Do you want us to stop?”
“It’s Ok Jonas, I know you all mean well. I try not to let it bother me but in reality there is just no one I am interested in” I say and I pause for a moment “I just know I don’t want to hook up just to hook up”
“Ok man, I will tone it down for you, I just want you to be happy that’s all” Jonas says
“I know and I appreciate it and someday I know I will be, when I find that one person” I say thinking of a set of blue eyes and blonde hair
“So there isn’t someone already, I kind of got the feeling their might be and that is why you didn’t want to hook up with anyone” He says curiously
I kind of freeze, do I tell him? He is my best friend and I could. He would understand but for some reason I reply “No one yet just have not yet found that one I am waiting for”. I don’t know why but Even is mine, I want to hold him close and keep him just for me. Maybe in the back of my mind I am afraid that if I say his name or that I admit that like him that the universe will never give him back to me. So I keep him safe and sound locked up in my dreams.
Jonas huffs out a breath of laughter, “Isak, I know you better than you think I do; because I see it. I see it in the way you look at people who approach you. It is like you are looking for someone else. If you don’t want to tell me that is ok, I understand and I won’t pressure you, just know that when you are ready I am here for you”
I smile into the darkness I should have known better than to try to keep something from him “Thank you Jonas, one day I will tell you.” With that we both fall asleep.
After the hospital EVEN POV
I roll over in my bed again, I just can’t get comfortable. I look at my clock and it reads 2:03, Fuck!! I just want to get some sleep. I need to sleep so I don’t have another episode. I briefly consider it because I might get to see Isak again but I quickly squash that thought because it is ludicrous and would not only hurt my mom but if Isak knew I did it just to see him it would probably upset him too. I miss him, I miss him so much it hurts but I can’t mess with my health just too see him. I need to get well, get my shit together. Once I can do that I can work on trying to find the boy who saved me. The boy who took everything I thought I knew and turned it on its end. It is like one day waking up thinking well the sky is blue because it always is and then seeing the sky is green; the same green of his eyes.
I thought I knew what it was like to want someone, to like them and want to be with them; turns out I didn’t have a fucking clue. I don’t just want Isak I crave him, I crave him like a starving man. I crave his smiles, his laughter, his voice and his touch. I feel like I am missing an essential part of myself and I will never be right again until I find him. I feel off balance and even though I am on my meds and on my way to healing, here I am lying awake at night in search of a boy to cling too.
I remember that night, the night he held me so tight that I could finally sleep. It was a very bad day for me and Sonja just made it worse, she always makes things worse; at least lately. The night he came into my room and made Sonja leave I felt such relief at hearing his voice; even angry it was beautiful. He was so careful with me; he didn’t push and made sure that he could touch me. I normally don’t want it but with him, his touch is welcome. It’s like him wrapping around me makes me whole and I can finally breathe again. That night I fell asleep in his arms, his leg over my hip grounding me with his weight. His beautiful face was pushed into my neck and his hot breath fanned against my needy skin. It wasn’t sexual it was pure compassion and utter safety. The softness in his body, the calmness he had seeped out and surrounded me and allowed me enough peace to sleep. That was the best night sleep I think I ever had. My eyes start to close now, thinking of Isak. The most beautiful boy, inside and out, that I have ever had the pleasure to know. The last conscience thought I have is a set of emerald green eyes.
3 weeks later my mom and me are riding through town, we are stopped at a stoplight. I look over out my passenger window and I see him. His shirt if off and he is wearing shorts that, oh my god, should be illegal but it is him. His soft blonde curls are wet and he is happy, his head thrown back in laughter. I remember the sound of that laugh and even though I can’t hear him, the memory of his laugh comes to me full force. Isak, oh Isak how I have missed you. He looks so joyful, I wonder if he has missed me at all. Another boy is spraying him with the hose and he is trying to hide behind a boy with dark curly hair and large eyebrow’s. I watch as the water runs down the hard planes of his stomach, he has changed a little. He seems to have gained more muscle and his face has matured a little bit more. That face, oh how I have missed that face. When the car moves again I put my hand on the window as if I could reach out and touch him. I turn back in my seat once I lose sight of him and my plotting begins. I found him, he is there and now I know how to find him again but would he want to see me? Would he remember me? Would all those feelings still be there? Am I ready to be a whole person for him if by some chance he would want me? So many questions and so few answers. I need to think long and hard about his, and make sure I am not just thinking about me but about Isak too.
“You ok darling?” my mom asks pulling me from my deep thoughts
I blink and then look at her remembering where I am “uh yeah just thinking”
She laughs “I can see that, but what about?”
“Love, life and how to make it all work” I say honestly
“That is a lot to be thinking about on a car ride, what brought this on?” she asks me
My mom and I are close we talk about everything, but I have not told anyone about Isak. He is a secret part of myself I don’t like to share.
“Just saw someone, who I once knew and I was wondering if he could ever want me the way I want him?” I say
She pulls the are over and stops it and then she turns to me “The question is how could someone ever not want you” and she kisses my cheek
“Because I am broken, and a mess” I reply quietly
“As we all are my sweet boy, as we all are” she says this with conviction. She has always said that no one is perfect that we all have flaws we have to learn to live with and that I am no different. She has this way of cutting through all the bullshit in my head and making me see the simple truth, that even with my flaws I am not that different.
I smile at her because she makes it all so simple “Thanks mom, I love you”
“Love you to my darling boy. Believe me when I say this, he will love you too” with that she winks and pulls the care out as we continue on our way.
I sit there and think about her words, love me to? Could Isak really learn to love me?
Later that night I am in my room and I google the car wash place where is saw Isak. A giant smile slowly spreads across my face; they are hiring…..
I wanted to spend my summer at the beach with my friends getting drunk and high but as fate would have it I am broke and my dad cut off my allowance till I am back in school for the fall so I got a job at a car wash. Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus did too so that we could at least still hang out together. It’s like our 3rd week there when the boss came up to me and said we had a new hire I needed to train.
I followed him inside to see the gift that fate decided to hand me. There he was, Even, just a beautiful as I remembered him, his eyes were clear, happy and his face was healthy. He stood with confidence and his hair was swept up on top of his head, not down like I remember it, he looked perfect. Like nothing terrible had ever happened to him, like he had never hurt a day in his life. I smile at him and he smiles back, it faltered a little though and then his smile became a bit uncomfortable.
“Do you two know each other” my boss asks
“No” I say immediately and Even seems to relax at this “No, sorry where are my manners” I reach out my hand to him “Isak” I introduce myself.
He does the same “Even” his smile becomes more sincere now.
I think he realizes that I am not going to say anything about our past and he smiles gratefully at me, and I see him visibly relax. I feel a little hurt that he would think that of me, but he doesn’t really know me so I shouldn’t be upset.
Just then the boys come it and Jonas says “That Emma girl is back and asking for you” he rolls his eyes
“Ok but I am supposed to be training can’t you just do it for me” I plead
“Dude she is a pest and only you can get rid of her just go. I can take care of the new guy” he says holding out his hand, “Jonas, I am Isak’s best friend and co-trainer”
“Even” he says reaching out his hand to shake Jonas’s
“Don’t worry Even I will take care of you, Isak has to go and take care of his ‘girlfriend’” Jonas says and everyone but Even laughs
I look at him and shake my head slightly “She is not my girlfriend!”
Jonas laughs “Oh I know, everyone but her seems to know”
I sigh at this “Fine but if I am gone longer than 15 minutes please someone come get me” I beg
“I will” Magnus says “I really think she is befriending you just to get to me anyway” we all roll our eyes at this
“Ok, thanks Mags” and I walk outside throwing a regretful look at Even as I leave “I’ll be back soon”
I only saw him briefly a little while back and he is just as beautiful as I remember. His hair soft, and curling around the nap of his neck, those green eyes piercing me. His soft lips quirking up in a shy smile and that blush, oh how I missed that. I thought he might say we knew each other, I kind of panicked a bit but I should have known better than that. The kindness he showed me in the hospital and the way he takes care of his mother I should have known he is a gentle soul. I could tell my unease hurt him a little but he shook it off as he introduced himself to me. How lucky am I that he would be the one to train me until some girl showed up and ruined it, his girlfriend the boys joked?
I watch him though, I can’t help it, I always watch him. When I was at the hospital I would always find the best place to sit so that I could watch him. I love his hands and the way he holds his mother. I like how one day I got lucky enough to watch him plant out in the garden with his shirt off. His muscles working hard under his skin, the sheen of sweat rolling down his arms. I used to draw sketches of him in my book, just so I could memorize him, so I could look at him for hours. It felt so intimate as my pencil would slide over my book; drawing the long beautiful planes of his body, his hair, his collar bone, his lips….Ok stop that train of thought right now, I chastise myself.
The one boy with bushy eyes brows, Jonas is talking to me. Showing me how to run the machines and stuff. I am trying to listen but my eyes keep following Isak. The girl keeps touching his arm and laughing. It makes me angry, irrationally so. He looks so uncomfortable how can she not see that? A blind man could see that. She leans up to hug him and tries to kiss his cheek as he deftly moves out of her reach. She looks a little hurt but smiles and gets in her car to leave. I smile at this, because well she should not have been touching him in the first place. Then he is coming back towards us shaking his head looking totally annoyed.
“Why does she just not get it” Isak says
“Maybe if you told her you were gay she would leave you alone” Jonas says helpfully
“I have told her several times, you’ve heard me” Isak replies
Wait he is gay? He likes boys? I have a chance? My head is spinning all of a sudden; this information pleases me to no end.
“Yes but she has not seen you dating anyone, she is dumb enough to think she still has a chance” Jonas says
“Yeah you need to hook up with someone in front of her so she sees” Magnus states “We have that party next weekend, we can totally set you up. Then you get rid of her and you get laid bro”
Isak looks at me then uncomfortable, am I making him uncomfortable?
He blushes under my stare and then says “I don’t want to have a random hook up Mags, I want something more than that” and then meet my eyes again.
I feel it the heat deep in the pit of my stomach. Does he want something from me? No way he has seen me at my worst, when I was so broken I no longer wanted to live. He could not possibly want to date me. I watch as emotions play across his face as he reads mine. He can see the doubt there I am sure of it and it makes him look sad in a way.
“Yeah, ok then. What about that Julian guy that works here he has been eyeing your for weeks now. I’ll go ask him” Magnus states
I feel my stomach fall into my feet, of course there are others who want him, boys and girls alike cannot be immune to his charms
“Magnus, fuck, chill out. I can ask him myself if I want to.” Isak says, at this I can no longer hide my anguish at his words
“Where is the bathroom?” I ask, actually I think I kind of shout it by the looks on everyone’s faces
“Down the hall man” Mahdi says
Isak looks at me his eyes searching; questioning. I look away swiftly and walk off down the hall; I needed to escape. I walk quickly to the bathroom and lock myself in the stall. I breathe in and out trying to slow my heart rate. Trying to make sense of my feelings. How can I be jealous, and angry; of course Isak should date and he should date someone who is whole and can be good for him. I am not whole, I am broken and he knows that he should not want me. He looked hurt though, like he wanted me to say something like he thought I might volunteer to take him. He couldn’t want me, could he?
“I hope he is ok, he looked a little out of it” Jonas says
I defend him quickly “Leave him alone it’s his first day on the job, he might be nervous”
“Hey man don’t get defensive, I didn’t mean anything by it, I really do hope he is ok, should I go check on him” he asks
“I will, I am the one who is supposed to be training him. You all get back to work” I say
“Yes boss” Magnus says sarcastically and I roll my eyes at him
I walk down the hallway, it seems longer than usual. I can feel my heartbeat in my throat and my pulse is racing as I reach the door to the bathroom. I take a deep breath trying to calm myself and the push the door open. He is splashing water on his face when I walk in. He stills when he sees me. I make no move to approach him, I know him well enough to know that. He wipes his face off with some paper towels and then moves to come closer to me, letting me know that I can approach.
“Are you ok, did I do something wrong? Sorry Magnus has no chill” I say
He visibly swallows and moves closer to me “You did nothing wrong, seeing you again it pulled up so many old memories I was not ready for it. Your friends did nothing wrong either, but they probably think I am weird”
“No they don’t and if they say anything I’ll punch them.” I say and he chuckles a little at that
“Good to know” he smiles at me
I move closer to him searching his eyes; waiting for the ok. He nods his head and our arms come around each other at the same time. This is something I did not think I would have again, I greedily inhale his scent and whisper his name “Even”
I hear him whisper mine as well “Isak” his mouth pressed against my hair
After a moment we both realize this is not the time or place for a reunion so we both seem to reluctantly pull away, smiling at each other.
I turn to leave then we have so much to catch up on but not here and not now. I open the door and I hear his voice “Thank you Isak”
The memories and emotions that flood me with those three words is immeasurable
I turn and I try to hide it but the emotion in my voice is unmistakable “You are welcome Even”
He smiles and it breaks my heart, right there into a million pieces. Could there ever be a more perfect person in this world? The answer is no, no there could not.
I turn and leave him. Hard as it was I had to.
The rest of the day goes on and I am feeling good spending time with him and the guys all together. I never told anyone about Even, it was something just between me and my mom; our secret.
I was feeling good until a car pulled in and Sonja climbed out, Fuck! I felt anger the moment I saw her, anger and jealousy. There is not one thing I like about her and even after all this time my anger towards her is still raw. She walked up to Even and kisses his cheek; he doesn’t smile and pulls away.
“And who is this?” Magnus asks because that is fucking Magnus
“Hi, I am Sonja, Even’s girlfriend” she replies and wraps an arm around him, he looks so uncomfortable, I want to push her arm off him and scream at her. I feel my hands ball into fists at my sides.
“Damn Even she is hot” Magnus states and she giggles at his obvious compliment “You should both come to the party next Friday; now we just need to find a date for Isak” and he points to me. Sonja finally looks at me and she stills. Yep she recognizes me, and I look away.
“We have to go, see you tomorrow” Even says pulling Sonja with him
I hear her say, “Isn’t that….” And her words get lost as he tugs her into the car
I watch as heated words are exchanged between them but they are thankfully in the car where no one can hear and drive off. This whole day has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me.
“Well that was fucking weird” Magnus says
“Thanks captain obvious” Jonas says
“What? It was, that whole thing was weird” he says
“It was weird because you have no chill and clearly there is something going on between them and you made it weird” Mahdi chimes in
“I did not” Magnus defends
I roll my eyes at him “I’m leaving see you all tomorrow.”
Jonas walks over to me then and says so only I can hear “Look I don’t know what is going on and you don’t have to tell me ok but I am here for you if you want to talk, ok?”
I love Jonas “Thanks man” I give him a hug and then make my way to the tram
I am sitting on the tram thinking about how funny life is, how I finally got to see him again and everything kind of went sideways. How beautiful he still is, and how much I just wanted that hug to last forever. He seemed to shut down a bit when I looked at him. Maybe I read too much there, maybe he was always just kind and didn’t want anything else from me. Maybe he wants to be with Sonja, from the looks of it I don’t think so but she is clearly still in his life. I don’t want to mess with that or his healing. He is clearly in a better place and I have no right to want to fuck that up.
I find myself taking the two more trams and I am at the hospital. I go to my mom’s room and when I see her I start to cry.
She pulls me into her arms “oh honey, my sweet baby boy” and I cry harder
She holds me and lets me cry; usually I am the one comforting her but today she lets me have this.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks me after a while
“I saw Even today” I say and a few more tears escape
She looks at me, not with pity but understanding “Oh honey, what happened? I would think this would have made you happy”
“It should have, well it did but I don’t think he is interested in me in that way and he still has that girlfriend” I sound sad and pathetic
“Did you talk to him? Ask him?” she says
“No, he started working at the car wash with me today and we really didn’t have a chance and no one else knows how we know each other and I don’t want to tell them, it feels private you know.” I say
“I understand but baby you have to talk to him, don’t ever assume ok? You did the right thing not telling anyone because it is not their business and so what if that girl is still around, he didn’t follower her every move through the gardens or the cafeteria it was you” she says proudly
I smile at her “You always know just what to say”
“Well call him and go get some coffee, talk” She smiles at me
“Oh hell mom I forgot to ask for his number” I hang my head
“That’s ok, tomorrow is another day” She hugs me and walks me to the door, “Love you baby boy”
“Love you too mom” I say
“Don’t worry honey, he wants you. He might not think he is worthy of you though. Remember that, ok? If there is one thing I know having an illness, is that it can be hard to feel worthy of others and of their love” she says
A light bulb goes on inside my head right then “You are so smart mama” and I kiss her
“True” she smiles at me
I leave and take the tram home, I feel kind of hopeful. No wonder he looked the way he did. He saw my interest but feels he is not worthy of my affection. How could I not have seen that? Well tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow I will ask him for his number, then maybe coffee. I want to be his friend and from there who knows but if there is one thing I know for sure it is that I want Even to be a part of my life. I fall asleep that night with a smile on my face and Even in my thoughts.
“What is that boy doing at your new job?” Sonja asks me suspiciously
“He works there” I say sarcastically
“Fuck you Even, why are you being such a dick” She says
“Because you came there and embarrassed me, because I told you a hundred times it is over between us and you still insist on telling people you are my girlfriend. Also no one knows about me there and I didn’t want you to say anything that would allow any of them to make the connection between me and Isak, OK? Isak didn’t say a word and I didn’t want to give you the chance. You don’t know what it is like, the way people look at me when they know I am sick. How careful they are with me and how their eyes watch me just waiting for me to break. It is painful to be judged like that.” I say angry and tired, tired of having this conversation over and over
“Fine Even, are you sure you want to end this because I am the only one who has stood by you. I have been there, took care of you, loved you” she says angry now
“Not the only one” I say
“What this boy? This Isak? He has not been there every time; he did not have to find you unconscious on the floor with a bottle of pills in your hand. He is not the one who has pulled you back together every time you fall apart. You barely know him, he barely knows you. You don’t even know if you wants you more than just a friend.” she is shouting at me now, hurt
“No I don’t know if he wants me but I don’t want someone to take care of me, don’t you see that? I want someone who will love me but still allow me to be me, to make mistakes to make things right on my own. He did that once for me, you remember you were there. The day you kept trying to move me back to my room. He let me put myself back together; he let me stay there and allowed me to take myself back to my room. It might not seem like much to you but it meant the world to me. He knew what I needed without having to be told. I am not a child for you to look after. I am a person and I deserve someone who treats me like one, not like an obligation!!” I yell back at her. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down a little and then I continue “You are right I don’t know if he wants anything more than friendship but if that is all I ever get I will take it, I will take it every hour of every day for the rest of my life. He is important to me; I care for him very much”
She had shrunk back a bit from the anger in my voice but stood her ground “Fine, whatever Even, I didn’t even know you liked boys but whatever. You want to go play with your shiny new toy you go right ahead, because I am done.”
“Finally” I say and I see the hurt in her eyes
I deflate now because I don’t want to hurt her, I never wanted to hurt her, “Sonja I know you have been through a lot and you have been there for me and I thank you for it but I need more and you can’t give me that” I say a little kinder now
She seems more resigned now, a bit sad perhaps at seeing the end finally, “I know, I wish I could I really do. I wish I had whatever he does. Do you think he will want you? Knowing that you are the way you are? That you are sick?” she asks
I just shake my head at her, I want to be angry but all I feel is empty “And that is why I want him and not you, because you look at me and see my illness. He looks at me and sees me, sees what I am capable of, sees through all of it to my soul.” I turn and leave her standing there staring after me.
I fall asleep that night thinking of the boy with the beautiful green eyes and drift to sleep with a smile on my face.
Chapter 3: Dignity
Thank you all so much for reading and all of your wonderful comments, it keeps me going. Isak and Even get to know each other more and I have a kink for jealous Even so he does make a small appearance in this chapter ;)
I am the first to show up at work the next day, to hyped up and wanting to see Even again. Well I thought I was first but as I come around the corner he is sitting there on the bench outside smoking. I smile at him at the same time he smiles at me. I go and sit next to him. We sit in silence for a few moments; I forgot how nice it can be to sit there with him how comfortable it is.
“Can I get your phone number?” I ask him
He smiles at me and motions for my phone I hand it to him; he types in his number and says handing it back to me “Text me so that I have yours too”
“Ok” I grin at him and I look at the name he used for his number “I see you added your name as well”
“Yes I did” he smirks me
“What does it mean?” I ask “21:21” it has a little heart by it too
“That was the first time you saved me” he says simply and I feel my eyes prick at the raw emotion in his voice “Do you remember? The night Sonja wouldn’t leave me alone? Well, when I thanked you I looked at the clock that was over your head when you left the room and it read 21:21”
“I remember that night; I remember how much she pissed me off. I remember how much I wanted to wrap my arms around you and hold you. I knew you didn’t want that, I knew what you needed but it was hard to leave you; almost impossible. I didn’t’ see the time on the clock” I say my voice thick with unshed tears of that night.
“I appreciate it more than you will ever know; you gave me something no one ever had?”
“What’s that?” I ask
“Dignity. The power to make my own choice, the power to take care of myself; no one ever gave me that before” he says simply
I swallow because I don’t know what to say, we both have tears in our eyes just shinning there as we remember that night from different perspectives. I turn towards him and we lean in to each other. Our faces are so close, I can smell his sweet scent, feel his breath on my skin.
“Can I hug you?” I ask him
His smile is beautiful and I get lost in it “Yes”
We stand up and slowly his arms come around me and I pull him to me. This is what I have been missing. All I can think is, this is what home must feel like. I sigh and I feel him shift his face and he puts it in my hair and breaths me in. I run my nose along his collar bone and I feel him tremble under my touch. I have lost all sense of where we are, of time. I have him in my arms again; and I never thought I would.
Loud laughter explodes just then, and we jump apart.
Fucking Magnus “Man you should have seen her she was so fucking hot, and she was all over me”
He is telling Jonas and Mahdi about his latest hook up as they come around the corner. Me and Even just look at each other and laugh and shake our heads.
“Fucking Magnus” I say to him and he smiles
“Good morning boys” I say
“Hey Isak! Even you came back. Thought maybe we scared you off” Magnus says
“Take more than that to scare me” Even replies with a chuckle
We all laugh at that “So are you and your girlfriend coming to the party next Friday?”
“Magnus really?” I say
“What, I just want to know, make sure we get enough beer” he says
“She is not my girlfriend anymore, she is just taking a while to understand that” Even says
“Sounds like her and Emma would get along then, right Isak” Magnus jokes
And I laugh at this “Yes it does”
We all get to work then as cars start to show up and it is a great day. Even seems to fit in perfectly with my friends. Laughing and joking. I catch him looking at me from time to time and it sends a thrill down my spine.
Later the boys take off and Even walks with me to the tram.
“Do you want to go get coffee sometime?” I ask
“Yes I would like that” Even replies with a smile. Oh that smile it could make the artist Michelangelo weep
“Do you want to go tomorrow before work?”
“Sure, how about we go to KB, I used to work there maybe I could get us free coffee” he smiles again and it looks like he tries to wink but it does not work and I find it so endearing.
“I’ll see you tomorrow then, 9?” I say
“See you then” and he looks to be having an internal debate but then he comes closer to me, asking permission with his eyes and I nod so that he can embrace me. I could spend the rest of my life holding this boy. I watch him get on the tram and leave and my heart feels lighter than it has in a while.
Later that night still ISAK POV
Text Conversation between Isak and Even
- Hi, it is Isak. Well you probably guessed that but just wanted to make sure you had my number
- Isak? I don’t know if I know an Isak, maybe you should send a pic ;p
- Shut up you asshole ;p
- Oh yes there is that charming personality shining through ;)
- Fuck you! I am incredibly charming
- I don’t know, I think you need to prove to me you can be charming
- Ok, tomorrow at KB I will show you just how charming I can be
- I look forward to it ;p
I am smiling like a damn loon, that boy just makes me laugh out loud.
“What’s so funny baby” my mom says to me pulling me from my phone.
“Nothing, sorry mama. I didn’t mean to wake you” I say
“It’s ok honey, who is hat texting you” she asks me
“Even” I say and feel myself blush
“See, I told you” and she pulls me close “did you ask him for coffee?”
“Yep, going tomorrow before work” I tell her
I snuggle into her side and brush her hair with my fingers and she says “That sounds nice baby” I watch as her eyes start to close. I fall asleep at the foot of her bed.
Next Morning Still ISAK POV
I’m waiting for Even at the coffee house, I am nervous and I don’t know why. We are friends right, we have been there for each other. Why am I so nervous? Because you want more than just friendship from him you idiot; I say chastising myself.
I look up and see him come through the door; his hair is not up like it was the last time I had seen him. It was down hanging over his forehead like the first time I laid eyes on him. It was a softer look; it brought back so many memories. All I could think was how beautiful he was and how that hair curled a bit at the nap of his neck with sweat and what that smelled liked. Fuck how in the hell am I going to keep this casual.
He smiles at me, Fuck. I am so done for. I feel myself smile back at him and I stand up to meet him. We both hesitate a bit but then, almost as if it is the most natural thing in the world he reaches for me as I reach for him. We pull each other into an embrace. It should feel friendly but this feels anything but. I have hugged Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi and I don’t hug them like this.
He pulls back studying me and then smiles “Morning”
I can’t help but smile back “Morning”
“Come on Isak, show me that charm” and he pulls me up to the counter
I feel a bit off my game with him standing next to me, but the girl at the counter smiles and I know I have this. Girls I can charm easy, mainly because I don’t want them.
So with Even standing next to me I put on the ‘Isak Charm’ smiling wide and warm “Good Morning” I look at her name tag “Isabelle, my friend Even and I here would love a cup of your best coffee” I wink at her just to seal the deal “What would you recommend?”
It works because she flushes and starts to bat her eyelashes at me. She seems to stutter her words when she says “We have this great new Columbian roast” and she leans forward “And a piece of something sweet would go very well with it” she laces that with all the innuendo she can manage
I smile at her and say “Hmmmm, that does sound good” I turn and look at Even “Doesn’t that sound good to you?”
He is smiling at me, oh those eyes they are so devious “Yes I would love a cup of Columbian coffee with a little something sweet on the side” and he wiggles his eye brows at me and I fucking blush, damn him
I smile and turn back to the girl, she saw our exchange her face changes as she started to ring us up “ok so two coffees and what would you like to eat?” the flirting was all gone, shit. So much for getting anything for free like I had planned. I look over at Even and he laughs, fucker. He knew exactly what I was doing, and he knew exactly how to make it impossible.
“Just a pastry, thank you Isabelle” Even said stepping forward and handing her money. He pushed against my side. His body heat making it a bit hard to breath at the moment. Then he leaned in his hot breath fanning over my skin and whispered in my ear “Nice try” and pulled back. I scowled at him and he just laughed. I turned to the girl and said “Thank you” she did smile but the flirtation was all gone.
Even and I made it to the table, we didn’t speak until we had our coffee and pastry. I took a sip of my coffee and watched as he did the same. His face was so beautiful. I scowled at him again and he smiled at me; which made me just roll my eyes.
“I was trying to show you how charming I could be. She would have given us that coffee for free” I say to him
“Oh I know. I saw how she bowed under your charm. You can easily charm anyone you wish to Isak” He says to me
“Then why did you say otherwise” I ask
“Because watching you do that was totally worth it” he says chuckling at me
“Fuck you” I say but my smile takes the sting out of my words “I read Walt Whitman poems to you so you know how charming I can be”
He smiles but it is far more tender than I could have thought “Yes you did” is all he says his beautiful eyes pinning me to my seat.
There is a little more comfortable silence and then it dawns on me “What is your last name?” I ask him
He giggles “Fuck, I don’t know yours either. I feel like I have known you for so long I forget. It is Bech Næsheim, what is yours?”
“I know what you mean, I feel like I have known you forever but I really don’t know you. And it is Valtersen” I tell him
“Favorite music?” he asks
“90’s hip hop, N.W.A is probably my favorite, you?”
“I would agree, but I love NAS too and I secretly love Gabrielle” he says
I roll my eyes at this “Gabrielle? Really, just when I thought I liked you”
He chuckles “You still like me” but the words carry real emotion
“Yes I still like you, but Gabrielle?” I tease him
He laughs and the conversation continues on easily. I remember how easy it is to be with Even how he just seems to fit in. Like a puzzle piece I didn’t even know was missing. We talk about our friends, school; neither of us bring up the hospital. He is going to school for a degree in art and I tell him about mine in medicine. He is so passionate when he talks about painting and drawing. I get caught up in the way he speaks and how his hands move.
Eventually he notices I am staring “What?” he asks me
“Oh uh nothing, I just like listening to you talk about art.” I say looking away flushing
He lets it go but I can tell he knows that I am lying
“So Sonja? She still hates me huh?” I say and her names burns like acid on my tongue, it was avoided as long as it could be. I need to know what is going on there.
His face changes, hardens a little bit but still beautiful “She doesn’t hate you”
I make a disbelieving face at him
He chuckles “Ok so she is not your biggest fan, but I don’t care. I am glad you stopped her that night”
“Me too, and I don’t like her Even, never have; never will. I guess I just want to know if she is still in your life, because well now that we have found each other again I would like to be a part of your life too and she is a sore spot for me” I pause because I want to be fair to him “I am not asking you to choose between us, like you can’t date her and us still be friends but I just want to know so that I am prepared next time we see each other”
He is silent for a moment or two but we are looking into each other’s eyes trying to pull the information out from the other without words.
“We are not together anymore; she is no longer a part of my life. We talked the other day and I made it clear that I need to be with someone who wants me just the way I am. Who allows me to be myself and gives me space to do that.” He does not look away as he says these words; the intensity in his words and in his eyes tells me that what he is saying is true.
“Good, you should have someone who gives you those things. You are a good person Even. I hope you find someone who can give you what you need” I say this and there is sadness in my voice because I wish it was me.
“You deserve that too Isak, you are so kind and so good to others. I hope you find someone to give you that too” he smiles at me but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Time for work” I say breaking the small amount of tension that seemed to make its way into our conversation
He nods and smiles at me “Yeah lets go”
The first week we spend together, getting to know each other again goes by so quickly. We have so much fun at work with the guys and we text each other all night long. It is so easy to talk to Even; he is just that person who makes you feel good without even trying. They boys just accept him into our group and we all just hang out together playing FIFA and drinking. Even doesn’t drink much, in fact I see him sip his beer but he never finishes, and I never say anything because I am sure it is because of his medication. I like that he is taking care of himself.
One night we are all hanging out at Jonas’s house, laughing and joking.
“So did Julian ask you to go to the party on Friday” Magnus asks me
I roll my eyes “Yes” I look over at Even and I see him stiffen a bit at this “But I turned him down very kindly”
“What?!?! Why?!!? I told him to ask you” Magnus says
“I know that you idiot and I told you I would ask him if I really wanted to go. I don’t need you to set me up” I say a bit irritated
“Fuck fine, just trying to get you laid man” Magnus retort
“I know but I don’t need you for that so please stop trying, OK?” I beg him
“Ok dude, I will let it go” Magnus says “Alright man I got to go, Mahdi you coming?”
“Yeah man” Mahdi says and they get up to leave “You coming with us Isak?”
“Na man, I am crashing here tonight” I say and look at Even, he seems a bit upset and I can’t figure out why.
“Even?” Mahdi asks
“Uh yeah, I am heading home. See you all tomorrow.” Even gets up to leave
“Hey Even wait up” I say and catch him in the hallway. We are alone
“You OK?” I ask
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” he asks
“I don’t know you seem a bit upset, you forget I can read you like a book” I say teasingly
He chuckles a bit at that “Yeah you do. I don’t know I guess I am a bit jealous” he says honestly
I am taken a bit bake by it “Why” I breath out a quietly
“Because I wish you were spending the night with me” he says
Right there, all the air is sucked from my lungs. I can’t feel my legs and I can’t find my voice
He is watching me, my reaction to his honest words.
“Oh” was all that comes out
The silence is deafening
He reaches a hand up and strokes my cheek
“Even I….” and that was all the words I had
“It’s ok Isak, I just remember the night we had and I always wanted another one” he leans in and kisses my forehead and then leaves
I am stunned, what the fuck just happened. He wants me to spend the night? I loved that night too; I would have given anything for one more night like that with him. But I didn’t know he felt the same. I walk in a daze back into the living room where Jonas is.
He looks at me and says “So that is the one, huh”
I pull myself from my own internal thoughts “What? The one what?” I ask him
Jonas just laughs at me “Dude, really are you going to make me spell it out for you?”
“Yes, because I don’t understand what you mean” I say honestly confused
“He is the one you compare everyone else to, he is the reason you don’t hook up with other guys. I may not be the smartest guy Isak but the way you looked at each other in the hallway tonight well it just made it all clear. He is the one you want” He says with kindness
“I didn’t know you say us” I say lamely
“Kind of hard to miss, and I wasn’t trying to I just was putting beer cans away” he says
“Yes, he is the one” I confess and it feels so good to say it out loud
“Does he know, because it looks like he feels the same” Jonas replies
“I think so but it is complicated and we haven’t really talked about it. I am afraid to ruin the friendship by telling him how I feel” I say
He laughs at me “Dude that is not friendship. The way you both look at each other it is more than that”
“You think so?” I ask him hopeful
“I know so” he says smiling
I pull out my phone then to text him, but what do I say. I don’t want to confess my feelings to him over a text but I want him to know I am interested.
- I want another night like that too
I wait, and wait and wait. I keep checking my phone but he doesn’t respond. I feel my stomach drop, did I hurt his feelings? Does he really like me that way?
About an hour later I get the response I was waiting for
It is just a heart but it means so much, I don’t know what is going to happen but I look forward to finding out.
A few more weeks go by and Even and I find time to spend together. We go to the movies because he really enjoys it and thinks he can convince me I will to. I like to go because I like to watch him. We rent bikes and ride around town, stopping for lunch and later afternoon ice cream. He goes with me a few times to see my mom and we all walk around the gardens talking about simple things. My mom looks at me and winks, because she knows. It is just so easy to fall into Even and I can’t remember a time before him. A time when he was not in every thought I had. He never brought up the sleep over and I never did either. I think we are both just trying to find our way. We go to the beach one day with the boys. We are all playing sand volleyball and taking turns dunking each other in the cold water. Even chases me around in the sand and tickles me until I yield that he is a better volley ball player than him. I am lying there pinned beneath his hard body and as the laughter dies down the air between us changes. I can feel it in my bones, the heat coming off his body and the weight of him above me. My dick also starts to take notice and then Magnus shouts “Come on you two we need to finish the game”
With that the moment is over and we both get up looking at each other and then I punch him in the shoulder and he laughs. We both run back to play. It was such a great day, the sun was hot the water cool. Seeing Even with no shirt on was also a plus. His body is firm, long and lean. His muscles work hard playing in the sand and all I can do was wonder what the sweat on his body must taste like. He looks at me then and I flush and look away.
The following week they are all at a house party, the music is loud and the drinks are flowing. I am watching Isak because that is what I do. He is so beautiful it hurts sometimes. The past 4 weeks have been amazing. Getting to be in his life, getting to know him. His friends are amazing and seem to have accepted me as one of their own.
Isak is sitting on the couch and a guy has come up to him sitting far closer than I would like. I feel the jealousy rise up in me. Isak smiles politely but I can tell by the way he positions his body that he is not comfortable with the contact. Then they guy takes his hand and places it on Isak’s thigh. Oh hell fucking no. My blood is boiling and I start to walk over to him, seeing red. Isak takes the guys hand off his thigh and shakes his head.
I walk up to them and hear the guy say to Isak “Come on baby, let’s get out of here”
“No” was all Isak says but his tone is firm, good for him
“Don’t be a tease, I know you want it” he says leaning in and I see his tongue come out of his mouth as if he is going to lick Isak’s ear lobe
Nope!! Fucking no!! I grab the guy and pull him up “Keep your hands and tongue to yourself, he said no”
“Woah man, chill out. OK, OK. I didn’t know you were together” his hands up in surrender and I let him go
I look at Isak his eyes are wide, and then I see Jonas looking at me too. Fuck. I turn and run out of the house. I make it out the front door and to the lawn and then I lean over grabbing my knees breathing hard. All the adrenaline running through my veins making me dizzy.
“Even” I hear Isak’s voice then, my Isak
“Isak” I look up at his face
“Oh Even are you ok, can I hold you?” he asks, he still feels like he should ask even after all this time
“Always, Isak you can always hold me” and I let a few tears escape as he pulls me into his arms.
“Even, oh Even. It’s ok. I am ok are you OK?” he asks me
“I am now” I tell him and it is true, I feel so much better with him in my arms “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that I just, I hated him touching you or thinking he could. All I could see was red”
“It’s ok you don’t have to explain, I understand.” He says, and of course he does the one person who always knows to ask permission before touching.
“I have no right Isak but I was so jealous.” I confess “I know you are not mine but I couldn’t stand seeing his hands on you”
I pull back so I can see his face; I rub my thumb along his jaw. His eyes are so open I can almost read the emotion there “You have every right Even” he says.
His confession makes my heart swell, and I pull him to my chest again holding him. He grounds me in a way no one else ever has. We stand there breathing comfort into the other, arms tightly clutching.
“Isak” I hear Jonas and we pull apart “You guys OK?”
“Yep we are good; I think I am going to walk him home.” I say
“Ok dude see you both at work” he says, Jonas lets us go, no questions because he just knows me.
“You are walking me home?” I ask him
“Yes, I think we are done partying tonight. Don’t you?” Isak asks
“Yes” and he threads his hand with mine and he walks me home in the moonlight
Chapter 4: Water Fountains are for Kissing
Isak and Even first date, I just love these two <3
I have not seen Even since Friday night, I walked him home, hugged him and then he went inside. I wanted to kiss him, but I don’t know if either of us was ready yet.
It is Monday morning and I just got to the car wash, I walk around the corner and there is Even. Leaning against the building smoking looking hotter than anyone has the right to.
I am smiling as I walk up to him, and he smiles back
“Hey” I say
“Hi” he says back
“Did you enjoy the rest of your weekend?” I ask not really knowing what to say
“No not really” he says looking at me; I can see it there in his eyes, truth
“Me either” I say because it is true. This game we keep playing, the push and pull it is getting tiresome. I think we both want each other but neither of us can seem to admit it
“Why?” he asks
I take a deep breath, pulling it all the way down to my toes, “Because I like you, I like you so much sometimes I find I hard to breath. I miss you every second of every day that we are not together and I am afriaid that if we become more than friends I will lose you. I want you Even, more than I have every wanted anyone. Fucking hell, Jonas knows how much I want you and I never even had to tell him; he guessed. I just know that if I didn’t tell you how I felt I would explode” I am breathing hard when I finish, watching him.
He steps closer to me “Oh Isak, my Isak. I like you too, I have wanted you since the first time I heard your voice. The only time I feel whole is when I am with you” he reaches up and cups my cheek, and leans his forehead against mine “My Isak, I am afraid to lose you to”
I take a shuddering breath and pull back to look at him. His eyes are searching mine, I don’t know what he is looking for or what he finds but he leans towards me our lips are a breath apart, one heartbeat, two heartbeats; breath…when…
BANG! Something inside the car wash falls, and then we hear Magnus laughing.
He both move away from the other suddenly realizing we are not alone and at work.
“Magnus, what the fuck man. Quit that shit” Jonas complains
They boys come around the corner to us then. Laughing at whatever Magnus just did, I am sure I don’t want to know.
The boys walk up to us then smiling
“Halla” I say
“Halla” the guys all chorus
Magnus is looking between Even and I. There is a bit of silence then and I look at Even, he holds my gaze. There is so much in that look and I grin at him and he beams back at me.
“Ok what the fuck is going on between you too, you could cut the sexual tension around here with a knife” Magnus says
Jonas smacks himself in the face and shakes his head “Magnus, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“What? Look at them, you can’t tell me you guys don’t see it” Magnus says winking at Even “So Even you like boys too then? Hey you can be Isak’s date to that big party this weekend”
“Let’s go” Jonas says and pushes Magnus inside
“What did I say?” he is arguing with Jonas
Mahdi looks at Even “Dude, I am so sorry, it just him; he has no filter” and then follows the other two inside
Once we are alone we look at each other and laugh “Well that was fucking awkward, I’m sorry, but Mahdi is right he has no filter”
“It’s ok, Magnus was right. At least I think so” he says a little unsure
“Fucking Magnus” I shake my head “So do you want to be my date next weekend? Unless it’s too soon with Sonja and everything. It can just be chill, friends?”
He smiles “Isak, I was out of that relationship long before her. I think you of all people know that.” I smile nodding is assent to this as he continues “Is it too soon? Maybe but hell I am willing to take a chance on the one person who gave me my dignity back. And friends really? We were just telling each other how much we want the other and almost just kissed till your friends came out and ruined it” we both giggle at this
“No not friends, I think we moved passed that the day I held you in your bed till you fell asleep with my face buried in your neck. I was devastated when I found out you left and I had no way to find you” I say
“I had never been so happy to hear your voice that day. You saved me again, held me and let me put the pieces back together. I also know you kissed me that day.” He says this raising an eyebrow
I blush “I didn’t think you were awake”
“I know, I think I felt that kiss for days after. And I wanted to say goodbye I just didn’t know how and then you were not around and they wouldn’t let me talk to your mom before I left so she could at least pass along my number to you. I showed up at the hospital a few times hoping to see you but I never did. Then I figured you wouldn’t want me anyway, why would such a beautiful whole person want such a mess of one.” He says
“Well, you have seen me with my mom. I love her more than my dad and he is a put together whole person that I really have no relationship with, he is a whole person who ignores me. My mom might have her problems but she is still a person who deserves love, just like you.” I say and walk closer to him
He is looking at me with such wonder in those beautiful blue eyes, he moves in closer removing any more distance between our bodies. I can’t breathe; nope I have lost all ability to reason. He is so close my body is urging me forward; I can feel his heat leaking onto my skin. I shiver and then…
“Isak” we both jump apart at the sound of my name, it is John, my boss
“Hi, John what’s up” I say
“Can you show even how to detail cars for me?” He asks
“Yep, I am your man” I say with a smile
“Perfect, thanks Isak” John says
“No problem boss” and I watch as he walks away
“So I think we should get to work since the universe has decided that kissing is out of the question right now” I say chuckling a little
He laughs too “ok let’s do it, train me up.”
I laugh at his silliness and I turn to lead him inside
“Oh and Isak, I will go with you next weekend, it’s a date” and he raises his eyebrows playfully at me.
“It’s a date” I wink at him
Fucking hell I have a date with Even
Later in the day Still ISAK POV
We are all sitting around the lunch table laughing and talking, Even seems completely comfortable with himself. I like seeing him like this, so free so alive. I am just watching him as he tells a funny story about the time he got lost driving. I am laughing and just watching. Watching the way he jaw moves, how his long hands take up so much space telling his story. I imagine what those hands could do to me, I feel a blush rise up in my cheeks at this thought and my dick gives just a little twitch.
“Isak, hello??? Earth to Isak. Dude what are you thinking about?” Jonas asks
I realize that everyone is staring at me and that makes me blush even more, what had I missed while I was fantasizing about Even’s hands
“Sorry I zoned out a bit there” I say embarrassed
“Zoned out, dude you are blushing. What were you thinking about” Magnus asks “Or should I say who” and he again winks at Even
“Nothing for Fucks sake Magnus, I just zoned out a bit. Sorry Even I missed part of your story” I say apologetically
“No worries” he says smiling at me
Then Jonas says “So Friday night are you coming Even?”
“Yes” he says
“He is coming with me, ok. It’s a date” I say blushing
“Damn dude you are blushing again” Magnus say “That’s cool, glad you grew some balls and asked him otherwise I would have” he smiles at Even
“No you wouldn’t, you like girls Magnus” I say
“Mostly but Even is pretty hot” Magnus states
“Thanks Magnus” Even replies
I drop my head in my hands “Well I asked first so” I say “you are too late”
“I don’t know, let’s ask Even give him the choice” Magnus says
“Good idea” I say “Even you have your choice”
Jonas and Mahdi are laughing at this exchange; I would be too if I wasn’t in the middle of it
“Thank you Magnus but Isak is the one I would like to go with” he says squeezing my knee under the table, I jump at the contact
“I understand” he says
From there the conversation moves on but Even’s hand remains on my knee, his hand slowly starts to move up my thigh and every nerve ending on my body is shouting.
I jump up “I have to go to the bathroom” I say the blush spreading all over my body
“To get rid of that boner you have going on in your pants” Magnus states matter-of-factly
Jonas and Mahdi laugh and Even looks apologetic
“Fuck you! I hate all of you” I state and storm out of the room
I make it to the customer bathroom because the door locks. I lock the door and lean against it. I am breathing in an out trying to calm myself, why did I get so upset?
I hear a faint knock a few minutes later.
“Isak” Even says “Isak, I am sorry”
I sigh and open the door, I try to glare at him but it doesn’t work because he is smiling at me “I am sorry but it was a little funny”
I move to close the door again and he sticks his foot in the door. “I’m sorry I should not have touched you like that; of all people I should know better than to touch someone like that without permission” I can hear the regret in his voice. I allow him in the bathroom with me and he shuts the door. All the air is sucked from the room and we are standing there facing each other. He is so close to me in that little room, my body is urging me forward but my head keeps my feet planted.
“I am really sorry, I got carried away” he says again
“Apology accepted” I say “I was just embarrassed and I really shouldn’t have been because they all know I am gay and clearly know I am into you so I don’t know why but I just got embarrassed”
“You are allowed to feel the way you feel Isak” he says with so much sincerity
“Thank you” I reply
“I need to confess that I did like that I could do that to you” he says
I smile up at him “I would like to return the favor someday”
“Oh my shirt covered it up but I was hard too” he laughs and I laugh along with him; his laughter is so infectious
“I really want to kiss you” I confess
“I really want to kiss you too, but maybe our first kiss shouldn’t’ be in the bathroom at work?” and he laughs
I smile and chuckle a little “I think I have to agree with you there”
“Can I hug you?” he asks permission
“Always Even, you can always hug me” I reply
I lean into him. I feel my body relax against his and feel as he relaxes against me. I breathe him in, drinking up is intoxicating scent. I feel his mouth in my hair like he is doing the same thing.
“You smell so good Isak” he says
I smile into his chest “I was just thinking the same thing about you.” He looks down at me and our eyes me “you smell like home” and in that moment we are not in a bathroom at work.
In that moment it is just him and I existing outside of time, outside of space just us together.
- Hey what are you doing?
- Watching a movie, and thinking about our almost first kiss. You?
- Playing FIFA and thinking of you too :p
- You are so adorable <3
- Oh I know I am the master of being adorable
- Does our first date have to be a party?
- No, I was kind of dreading that, what do you have in mind
- Trust me?
- Meet me at the hospital
- You mean where my mom lives
- Trust me
- Yes see you there, what time?
- 21:21 tonight
My nerves are shot, I am standing in front of the hospital and it is 21:21 and then I see him come around the corner and my heart picks up the pace.
“Ok, so please tell me there is something romantic about this because I am a little skeptical” I say
“Follow me” he smiles
He leads me around to the side of the building and there is a door there, locked. He knocks; using the ‘shave and a haircut’ knock and the door clicks open. I recognize the orderly who is letting us in. “Mike?” I say “hey Isak” he smiles at me “Ok you have like an hour before guard change and then I have to lock the door again” Even nods and says “thank you for this” he smiles and says “Anything for you two” and walks away
“Wait you planed all this?” I question
“Yep, now come on, I have something to show you” he smiles at me and grabs my hand pulling me and I willing go with him. I love the feeling of my hand in his and I give him a little squeeze. He looks at me with so much tenderness my heart hurts. We make our way through the garden and he breaks the silence.
“I used to watch you all the time out here with your mom and when you were alone working planting all the beautiful flowers. I would watch for hours just to see how the light would catch in your hair and the way your face would light up when you laughed. This is the place where I realized that my feelings for you were beyond that of friendship and that I longed to be a part of your life, I just didn’t know if I could or how to go about it” his admission makes me feel light.
I blush at his confession; I feel exceptional knowing how much he watched me. Knowing that I was not alone in my feelings. “I didn’t know you really noticed me, my mom said she would catch you watching me but I was not sure if she was right. She is the one you know, who told me you liked me to” I confess
“Really? She picked up on it quicker than you did, I like your mom” he says with affection
“Hey I didn’t know what you felt and you were healing, how sick would I have to be to hit on someone in recovery” I say
He nods his head in understanding “I get it I really do; I don’t think either of us was ready then.” Then he pulls me and shows me the water fountain all lit up at night
“Wow I didn’t even know it looked like this at night time” I say in wonder
“I always thought about bringing you out here, but I never had the chance, you were here to see your mom, not me. This garden, this place, no matter how much pain I was in here or what I went through you were always there in my thoughts. This place makes me think of you, of a time when I wanted to give up but you gave me hope and love with our expecting anything in return.” He pulls me into his chest then and I go willingly. “You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep. You became my whole world”
I smile at his statement “I would watch you too, all the time. I learned to tell when you needed space, what things made you happy, what things upset you or made you hurt. I learned when you needed touch and when you didn’t. I watched you too and wondered if there would ever be a moment like this” and I pull him close to me emphasizing my point.
His eyes shine in the darkness at my confession. I place my hands on his chest and he takes one hand and cups my cheek slowly rubbing his thumb along my jaw line. I feel my breath leave me and he leans in, slowly he rubs his nose along mine and I hum at the affection. His breathe is fanning over my skin setting it on fire. Every nerve ending in my body feels like a live wire, I wonder if he can feel it.
His forehead comes to rest against mine looking at me and he whispers my name “Isak”
Then he tilts his head and I naturally tilt mine, his breath is against my lips. This is one of the best parts of a kiss, the anticipation the craving right before the touch.
We are breathing the same air for a moment or maybe two and then our lips press together. It is soft, unhurried; the tenderness in that kiss was everything a first kiss should be. I had never kissed anyone like this; never had anyone make me feel as treasured as he is right now. My hands move of their own accord up to his soft beautiful hair and I am pulling him closer into me, and our bodies seem to be humming with the electric current flowing between us. The kiss starts to become more heated as I open my mouth to allow him in. His tongue first sliding along my bottom lip but then entering my mouth. The taste of him is exquisite; I could spend the rest of my life kissing Even. We are both trying to breathe the other in while tasting each other’s mouths. We can’t seem to get close enough and I feel my leg come up a bit to wrap around him. I am pushing against him harder and eventually we lose our balance and land right in the fountain. He lets go of me as we both come up spluttering water and laughing.
“You pushed me in” he laughs
“Sorry” I say but I don’t sound sorry at all, “but I think water fountains are meant for kissing” I lean over him and grab his soaking wet face and I kiss him again. This kiss is heated and passionate. We are both fighting for space in each other’s mouths; it is a battle of teeth and tongues. I could have stayed there all night in that cold water kissing him. His mouth on mine has to be the best thing I have ever felt; lips soft and needy. He bites my bottom lip earning a moan from deep inside me.
“Hey” we hear a voice come out of the dark, it is Mike
“Come on you two we have to go, get out of the fountain” he says laughing and indulgent
I stand up first since I am sitting on him and help him to his feet, we both look down at our soaking wet bodies and continue to laugh. We walk past Mike laughing and he gives us both high fives.
“Alright you two, good to see you both, now get home safe” Mike says to us both and we wave goodbye, thanking him.
We walk out of the gate holding hands and we keep kissing. It’s like we can’t help it our lips keep getting drawn back to each other. Like an addict looking for one more fix. I feel like I need to make up for all the time I missed out on; when I should have been kissing him.
Chapter 5: Dandelion
Lots of fluff, mentions of sexual tension but nothing too explicit. If you have read my other stuff you know how I can get, this one is much tamer. Even does talk to Isak about why he was in the hospital, mentions of his attempted suicide are in this chapter. It was important to the story and if it upsets you please skip it. I don't dive into a lot of detail but Isak and Even have no secrets from each other by the end of this chapter.
I appreciate all of you for leaving kudos and comments. It keeps me writing :D
Alt er Love <3
He takes me back to his house; his mom is there to greet us at the door.
“Even it is late, and why are you all wet?” she is laughing and sweet so her chastising tone carries no weight.
“Well we unexpectedly went for a swim” he says and kisses her cheek
“Mom this is Isak” Even introduces me
“Isak, lovely to meet you” she says and winks at Even
“Pleasure to meet you” I say
“Ok you two go get a shower and get warm clothes on I will make hot chocolate” she says
I follow Even up the stairs, I am still wet but we are no longer dripping and I shiver from the cold.
“Here this is my bathroom, you can shower in here and I will go shower in my parent’s room. I will bring you some clothes and a towel” He says and leaves me alone.
I start to peel off my wet shoes and socks, I pull off my shirt and then my pants and I am just standing there in my boxers when I hear a sharp intake of breath behind me. I turn around and Even is there holding clothes and a towel in pile. His sharp eyes are devouring me as he looks me up and down unabashedly. I feel the blush at being looked at with such abandon. His eyes come back up to my face and they are dilated with heat.
“Fuck Isak, I am sorry. I know I am staring but damn, you are beautiful” he says this with such emotion I feel my skin prickle with heat.
He moves into the bathroom slowly still drinking me in. He holds out the pile for me and I reach out and take it. His hands brush along my skin leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. My insides are on fire and I can feel the blood going to my dick under his watchful gaze. I move the pile to cover it up as he moves closer to me.
He smirks at my attempt to cover up “So shy” he says
His breath caresses my skin. He face comes close to mine, and he rubs his nose along my jaw line breathing me in, inhaling me. I can hardly move, I am so turned on right now.
“Even” I say his name like a lament.
He places kisses along my jaw, then my neck and finally licking along my collarbone, just tasting me.
“Fuck” I whisper out and he hums in contentment against my skin.
“Damn Isak you are so enticing” he looks me in the eyes and they are almost completely black.
My dick is standing at full attention now just waiting in anticipation. He slowly starts to back up “I will leave you alone to shower, because if I don’t leave now I never will” he words come out full of lust and shaking.
I nod my head because I have no words; he continues to back up just looking at me; like it physically pains him to leave. The door shuts and I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. Fuck that was the hottest thing that has ever happened to me. With shaky limbs and a rock hard dick I get into the shower.
I lean against the door for a bit after I close it, fuck I need to calm down. The desire coursing through my veins right now is so intense. I take a few deep breathes and when I hear the water turn on in the shower I quickly move from the door. My body aching from want because I know he is naked in there now and I need to leave. I make my way to the other bathroom and I think about taking a cold shower but instead I think about Isak and run my hand along my enlarging length. I think about him standing there almost naked, the hard planes of his stomach, his eyes dilated with need and th scent coming off his skin as I rubbed my nose along his jaw. “Fuck” I whisper and my shameful act makes its way down the drain. I walk back towards my room. I hear Isak’s voice downstairs, and I follow the sound. He is laughing and that sound just warms me.
“So there we are stranded out in the middle of nowhere and Even is just dancing trying to entertain us” My mom is laughing so hard at the memory and so is Isak.
“You look familiar Isak, have we met before?” my mom asks, I pause curious to see what he will say
“Well we have never actually met but I have seen you before” he says this a bit shy, he seems uncomfortable “I just don’t know if I should say or not” he says.
“Oh that’s ok, we can wait for Even, don’t worry dear, enjoy your hot chocolate. How in the world did you boys get all wet?” she asks
“Ummmm” he starts and at this I round the corner to save him
“Mom stop interrogating him please” I say lovingly and go over to grab my hot chocolate and give her a kiss and then go sit next to Isak. I smile at him and he smiles back at me, we seem to get lost in each other’s eyes there for a minute, forgetting we are not alone in the room.
“Even” my mom pulls me from the staring contest with a smile
“Yes mom” I say
“So where did you two meet? Isak seems to not want to break any confidences” she says fondly smiling at Isak
“Well, we really haven’t decided on how we would tell people that” I say and l look at Isak asking for permission to tell my mom, he nods at me with a small smile
“Given it is you, though I think we are in agreement to tell the truth?” I ask looking at him again
“I am ok with that if you are, I just didn’t know what to say” he says
I reach over and touch his cheek, “It’s ok, I appreciate that you have kept it between us”
He smiles and leans into much touch unconsciously. My mom is watching our exchange with curious eyes. She is very tactful though and doesn’t mention the exchange, something that would have been impossible for Magnus to do I think fondly.
“Well, we met at the hospital” I say and I watch my mom, her eyes tighten just a little bit but otherwise her face stays neutral.
“Oh I don’t member seeing you there, I mean I guess I do but I don’t think Even ever introduced us” She says
“No he wouldn’t have I was not a patient there, I was there visiting my mom. I go see her almost every day” Isak supplies easily
“Oh, yes” I see as recognition dawns in her eyes “yes I do remember, now, your mother was having a tough day when me and Sonja came to visit, and Even you helped out. I remember I was so proud of you” she looks at me fondly
“Thank you mama” I say
“It was a tough day for her and for me too” Isak looks down ashamed
“Hey” I say to him pulling him up at the chin “but you made it through, you are so strong. You are always so strong for her; it is ok to have moments of weakness it makes you human”
He smiles at me “If it hadn’t been for you it would have been unbearable” Isak turns to look at my mom “You should be proud of your son, he was kind to me when I needed someone most. He offered me comfort when I had nothing to give in return.” tears are shimmering in his eyes
“You saved me and I saved you right back” I touch his cheek again and wipe away the tear that fell.
My mom gets up and comes around. I drop my hand and my mom wraps Isak in her arms and pulls him up so she can properly hug him.
She holds him and he lets a few more tears escape, “you are a good son Isak, I know your mom must love you and be so proud of you too”
I hear a sob rip up through his body at these words and his arms finally come around my mom holding her too. The stand like that till Isak regains himself and pulls back.
My mom touches his face “you brave beautiful boy, it is no wonder my boy likes you so much” she winks at him
Then says “Ok, you two go up to Even’s room and relax, Isak you are welcome to stay tonight” she hugs him again and then leaves the room.
I stand up immediately and wrap him in my arms pulling him against me, “Come on, let’s go watch some Netflix and maybe chill” humor in my voice
He laughs against my chest “Netflix and maybe chill, huh, I knew you just wanted me for my body”
I laugh at him, “Let’s go upstairs, lay down turn on a movie and see what happens, maybe I can corrupt you after all.” And I feel him laugh against me again.
I walk into Even’s room and it feels like him, the whole place just feels like him. There are pictures all over the walls, a Nas poster, and a Romeo and Juliet poster too. The drawings remind me of the ones I saw in his room at the hospital, “I remember all the drawings you had on your wall at the hospital. They were so good, really funny”
“You saw those?” he asks
“Yes, I had to leave your room that night, they made me. I saw them on my way out. It was cool to see, like seeing another side of you. I like how you see the world, it is beautiful” I tell him
“Thank you Isak” he blushes
“You have a thing for Leonardo DiCaprio” I laugh at him, pointing at the poster
“I have a thing for you” he says honestly making me blush
“I have a thing for you too” and I keep walking around his room, it feels like home. I see it then that same green notebook that he had in his room, the one I never opened.
“Is this yours?” I ask picking up the notebook from his desk
“Yes, I like drawing and I like movies, someday I want to be a director” he says and reaches out for the book
“Can I see any?” I ask, the curiosity is killing me
“One” and he opens the book and shows me one drawing and it is a beautiful picture of a dandelion
“It is beautiful Even” I say in wonder
“Do you think so? It is a picture of a gift I once got. It was the most wonderful gift I have ever gotten” Even says this with such emotion I look at him, shocked
I look at the picture again, there is so much detail. Like he stared at that flower for hours maybe even days. It looked to be laying on something; what looks like a piece of paper underneath it. I keep looking at it because a part of my brain almost recognizes it?
“It is a beautiful flower but is it really the best gift you ever got? What could be so special about a flower?” I ask
He looks at me with so much adoration I almost choke “It is not about the flower Isak it is about what it represents. The person who gave it to me, gave me the greatest gift I ever received. Love and hope. In that one little flower was everything”
My eyes widen for a moment and realization dawns on me, it was the dandelion I left for him on his pillow at the hospital.
“Even. You knew? You knew it was me” I ask in a small voice
He nods “I didn’t even have to read to note to know it was you”
“I didn’t know what to say I just wanted you to become stronger and to know that no matter what you can’t ever give up. You gave me so much Even and I didn’t know how to thank you. It never really seemed like enough”
“It was everything Isak, everything” he pulls me into a kiss that made my heart beat faster, and made my pulse race in my veins. His tongue rubs along my lips and I pull him into my mouth. I taste him and pull him as close as I can my fingers in his hair and his large hands are digging into my hips. He pulls back before we get too carried away. “I do have an eye for beautiful things” he says looking at me
“You are going to give me a big head if you keep complimenting me” I laugh breathless from our kiss
“Oh then you would not be very symmetrical and I would have to rethink this whole thing” he chuckle’s
“Fuck you” I laugh “you are stuck with my big fat head now” I rest my head against his shoulder.
“Well lucky for me I like your big fat head and all the rest of you too” and he kisses the top of my hair, he rubs his nose around in my hair and his arms embrace me and he rubs my back pressing me to him.
“I like all of you too, I can’t believe today happened.” I say to him
“What do you mean he asks” pulling back and looking at me
“Well, back when I first saw you I never thought we would have this” and I pull him to me “have you in my arms, kiss you” and I lean my head up a silent plea for a kiss and he obliges me willingly. His head lowers and his lips brush against mine gently.
“Do you want to stay with me tonight?” he asks me
“Yes, but I want to be the little spoon” I say
He rubs his nose against me and says “This time but next time it is my turn” and he raises his eye brow so seductively
I smile against his lips “Deal, I just need to text my dad. Not that he would notice I wasn’t there but if I don’t it would be the first time he actually would notice”
“You live with your dad?” he asks
“Technically but we don’t really, he is gone a lot and doesn’t really care what I do. I am ok with it because he does take care of my mother and she gets the best treatment. We don’t really have much of a relationship but I made my peace with it a long time ago” I sound sad even though I don’t want to
“Well at least you have a great mom” he says
“I really do” I smile at him
We both undress down to our boxers, looking at the other. Even is so beautiful it hurts. He pulls back the covers and we climb in together pulling me into his chest first and runs his fingers thought my hair. “You know the first time I saw you, I thought you were an Angel” I confess into the night
“Really? Why?” he asks me
“You were wearing a white t-shirt; the sun was streaming in just right. You were all lit up and I couldn’t tell at first if you were even real. You took my breath away.” I tell him
“You are so precious to me Isak” he says
Then he kisses the top of my head and I feel so beloved. He pulls me up a bit so he can reach my lips again, we kiss languidly, touch gently, and snuggle until I feel very sleepy. I turn over and Even pulls me too him and pushes his nose into the back of my neck. “Can I just stay in here with you forever?”
“You can” I say snuggling back into him and I feel him kiss my hair. I sigh in contentment and I hear him hum happily into my hair. I drift to sleep then with Even pressed firmly into my back, I feel safe and loved.
I wake up to the light sound of Even snoring into my ear. It is not loud and I find it oddly comforting. His breath is fanning over me and his arms are still holding me tight. I can feel the long hard planes of his stomach against me and it does nothing to dispel the hardness between my legs. Fuck, really I had to wake up like this. I try to move a bit to pull out of his grip but I feel him pull be tighter to him and I also feel something else, apparently I am not the only one with morning wood. He actually pushes his hips into me and I hear him whisper my name, he must be dreaming because he really starts rubbing against me now. I turn my head and I can see beads of sweat on his forehead and his eyes are closed.
“Even” I say, he is still not awake. I pull a little at his grip and say louder “Even”
This does it because he stops moving his hips and groans. I roll over facing him and he smiles at me and says “Morning”, he leans in a kisses me tenderly and I kiss him back
Then he looks down at his situation “Fuck, was I dry humping you this morning. Shit I am a mess, sorry”
“It’s ok” I chuckle a little “I was enjoying it but I didn’t want you to get embarrassed”
“Well, I guess even unconscious you turn me on” he says with a little laugh
I pull the covers down so he can see my tented boxers “As you can see, you turn me on too”
He pulls me too him then so he can reach my lips, he kisses me and kisses me till we are a both a bit breathless.
“So how about we go downstairs and get some coffee and breakfast” I suggest
“I can’t believe your mom was cool with me sleeping over” I say
“She trusts me, and I think she really likes you” he replies
“I really like her too, you always had the best smiles reserved for her when she came to visit you, I loved to watch you talk to her it was something to see” I tell him
“You little stalker” he teases
“Yep, and I am not even ashamed” and I kiss his nose and get up to put clothes on
We make it downstairs for coffee and sit at the table playing footsies under it. We both keep laughing and touching each other.
“Are you a secret romantic? You must be Romeo and Juliet, you love to draw; taking me to gardens in the night, remembering the time when we first met and Gabrielle” I shake my head
“I bet under all that swagger you are a bit of a romantic too, pushing me into the fountain, thinking I am an angel, kissing me so sweetly, like I am fragile. Saving me when I didn’t know how to save myself” he smiles at me and leans in and kiss my cheek as I blush
“Maybe” I acquiesce “but that is just between us, don’t want people to think I went soft.”
“Always” he replies and there is a promise in those words that I trust
“When people ask how we met, what should we say?” I ask
“We can say at work, that is easy enough and kind of true” He replies “if you want to tell your friends the truth you can”
I can see what this costs him and I shake my head “No, my mom knows and that is enough for now, maybe someday when we are ready but for now it can be just ours”
He smiles a brilliant smile at me, his eyes crinkle up and his face just glows “I like the sound of that”
I know him well enough to see the relief in his eyes, and I hold his gaze long enough to show him that I understand he nods a bit and we just sit there in comfortable silence eat the toast he made for us.
‘You never asked me why I was in the hospital” Even says
“I figured you would tell me if and when you were ready, it doesn’t matter to me Even. You never have to tell me if you don’t want too. I fell for you; I fell for you when you were at your worst. I fell for you when you held me and let me cry at my worst. In the end whatever the reason you were there it doesn’t matter because I have you now and I am forever grateful for that. I find comfort in the fact that even at our worst we still wanted each other, how many people can say that about the beginning of a relationship; to see the worst first and want them anyway. I feel so incredibly lucky.” I look at him and watch the wide range of emotions play across his face and in his eyes. The tears that shimmer there make my heart hurt. He gets me, he understands and in return I get him and understand him too. I reach out a hand and run my thumb along his bottom lip. I lean in and place a few gentle kisses on his lips before I pull back, we smile at each other.
“In all my life I would never have imagined that something like this would be meant for me, I know exactly what you mean and I am so grateful too. I have no secrets from you, you now me better than any of my friends, better than Sonja ever did and we were together for 4 years. I love that we can be this close and know so much. You are going to be my forever, I just know it” he leans in again and kisses me, just a chaste little kiss that sets my heart beating like a jack hammer.
He pulls back looking at me, like he is looking for something in my eyes and says very quietly “I am bipolar and landed myself in the hospital because I tried to kill myself”
He is watching me; he knows my face so he knows I can’t hide my reaction. I get up from my chair and he is watching me still, unsure of what I am doing. I push his chair back enough so I can climb into his lap facing him. I hurt so bad for him, my whole being wants to wrap him up and protect him from this cold cruel world.
I take his face in my hands and look him in the eyes “I am here for you now, for you always. It may be too soon say it but it feels like I have known you for a lifetime. I love you Even, I will love you until my last breath. What you went through must have been impossible. How unbearable to feel like there is no way out but to want to die, I can’t even imagine what telling me must have cost you. I can promise you that no matter what you go through in the future I will be right there with you. You will never face that kind of pain alone again”
I watch his eyes and a few tears escape and I kiss them away. I trace his lips with mine leaving a trail of kisses, on his eyes, his cheeks and finally his lips again; offering comfort.
I pull back and look at him, “Thank you for trusting me with this, and I will keep it buried with our other secrets between you and me”
He is looking at me in wonder “How are you even real and why did I have to wait so long to find you?”
I smile at this question “I have asked myself that many times, and I think the reason is because we weren’t ready for each other until that day we met”
He smiles and nods “you are so wise” he kisses my lips and pulls me closer “and just so you know, I love you too. Who is to say it is too soon, it is between us.” His kiss my lips softly
“Agreed, so even though no one else will know or understand. We can love each other in our own way in our own universe” I say
“Do you think there are other universes out there?” he asks me seriously
“I do, like parallel universes where there are an infinite number of Isak and Even’s and they are all together forever in infinite time” I say smiling against his lips before I kiss him
“yeah well I always like the idea of being a director of my own life, you know running the show because I always felt so out of control with my illness but the idea of so many universes with so many of us together well the idea is intoxicating and I think I like that idea better” he says kissing me back
“Together forever, Isak and Even” I smile
“I uendelig tid” he says and takes my mouth again
Chapter 6: Never Be Alone
Jealous Even, talks of sex, Magnus and his honesty. Enjoy!!
There will be one more chapter after this one to wrap up the story, and I am going to attempt another one shot :D
Thank you all for your support and love!!!
A few days Later EVEN POV
It is time to close up and the boss is heading out and tells us we can wash Jonas car before we leave if we want to and then he leaves. We are all outside laughing at some stupid joke Magnus just told. Then Isak takes off his shirt and we all follow suit. Jonas gets ahold of the hose and sprays Magnus, Magnus grabs a sponge and throws it at Jonas. Isak runs over to Jonas to try and grab the hose, it turns on him and he get soaked but he does manage to get the hose and aims it at Jonas and then at me. I am running for it laughing the whole time. Isak looks amazing water dripping down his chest and the laughter coming from him is so infectious. I stand back and watch him, so carefree enjoying his friends and laughing. He sees me and then comes after me with the hose again, I try to run away but I am soaked and laughing hysterically. Mahdi grabs the hose from Isak and chases down Magnus again.
Isak comes over by me soaking wet and he says to me “How is it you and I have ended up soaking wet together yesterday and today?”
I laugh at this “that is a very good question, perhaps we are just meant to be together and wet” I wiggle my eye brows at him suggestively.
“Perhaps we are, I think I would prefer warm water though” he smirks at me
“We might have to arrange that then” my voice is full of heat when I say this and his eyes widen a bit and his breath catches in his throat.
He leans in to kiss me but right before our lips touch we get the hose turned on us; we both turn and see Magnus laughing. We make eye contact and make a run for him laughing the whole way. It was a wonderful afternoon. Laughing and feeling so free, it was nice to be laughing with Isak and it felt good to be with his friends.
We are all getting dried up the best we can when a car pulls up, and I see that it is a boy I don’t know.
“Hey Chris, Isak says” to the boy who climbs out of the car. He is pretty good looking, he is no Isak but I can appreciate the fact that he is hot and right now has his arm around Isak for a quick side hug, what the fuck!?!? All I see is red in that moment and make my way over. I immediately walk up to Isak and stand next to him waiting to be introduced. The other boys have walk over as well, all of them treated to a quick bro hug, I relax a little seeing that this is something they all do and not just him and Isak. I know I shouldn’t be jealous of this boy but I can’t help it.
“Chris this is Even, Even this is Chris. We all went to school together” Isak states
I don’t like the way Chris is looking at Isak, not one bit. He is looking at Isak like he is a tasty dish that he wants to try and it is pissing me off to no end. I position my body a bit so I am pressed against Isak. Chris notices but doesn’t say anything.
“Hey guys, just wanted to stop by and see if you are all coming tonight” he asks looking at me still
“Yeah man, we are all coming” Jonas says
“Cool, and Even is it?” he looks at me and asks, jack ass “You can come to and bring your girlfriend, rumor has it she is hot” and Chris looks at Magnus who looks kind of ashamed and shakes his head
“I don’t have a girlfriend” I put my hand on Isak’s waist not to be possessive but because he calms me and ok I am a little possessive “But I will be there, I am coming with Isak” I say this so it is clear. I really don’t like the way he keeps looking at Isak.
“Cool man, whatever, everyone is welcome” he says and licks his lips looking at Isak, I squeeze Isak’s hip a bit tighter and I feel his hand rubbing circles over mine trying to calm me. Chris gets in his car and peels out of the parking lot.
“Ok you two, we are heading out do you want a ride Isak? Even?” Jonas asks eyeing our hands
“Nei Takk” Isak replies and leans into me
“Ok see you all later then, do you want a ride to Chris’s house?” he asks then
I am kind of shocked at this; we are going to this Chris’s house, the one who keeps eye fucking Isak? I look at Isak and he reads the panic in my eyes
“No it is ok Jonas we will meet you there, we might leave early anyway” Isak replies easy
Jonas is still watching our contact and then looks at Isak with questions in his eyes. Isak just smiles and nods his head a bit. Jonas seems to take this well and heads out with Mahdi and Magnus.
“See you both later, that is if you can tear yourselves away from each other’s dicks” Magnus laughs and I watch Isak roll his eyes. Magnus is really starting to grow on me. I like someone who is honest always telling it like it is, the world needs more people like that.
Once the boys have left Isak turns to me and says “Hey, look at me. Are you OK?” the concern in his voice is unmistakable.
“I don’t like him Isak, Chris, I don’t like the way he looks at you” I say honestly
Isak rolls his eyes again “Chris is an asshole but he is completely harmless”
“So he doesn’t want to fuck you?” I ask a little upset
“Oh I am sure he does, he has tried several times” Isak says honestly
“So why should I not worry then?” I say quietly feeling shy
“Because he is a fuck boy, I would never sleep with him, he is not my type and for the last several months I have had my eye on a very hot blonde boy” he says and winks at me and runs his fingers through my hair smiling.
I smile at this “Oh really, now someone else for me to be jealous of”
“I like Jealous Even, he is pretty fucking hot” Isak says
I lean in and kiss him. He is still wet and so am I but I don’t care. I pull him in to me and kiss him heatedly and press my hand on his back holding him close. My tongue is searching his mouth and I feel his moan deep in my chest. This boy will be the end of me I think fondly.
Later that night ISAK POV
We make it too the party and Even and I are walking up hand in hand. I have this huge smile on my face and I just can’t make it go away.
“What are you smiling about?” Even asks me
“I am walking up to a party with the hottest date I have ever had and tonight everyone will know” I say and there are some nerves in my voice too
“Hey” he pulls me and we stop walking “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, coming out is a big deal and you don’t need to do this here tonight”
I smile at him he is just so kind “I know, but Even these people pretty much know, I came out the second year of high school. I dated a few girls in high school but really I kept to myself and never dated any guys. I didn’t like girls and never found a boyfriend. I am tired of girls hitting on me; I’m tired of Chris hitting on me. I have finally found someone. Someone who makes me feel things I didn’t even know existed and I want the world to know. I want everyone to know that you are mine and I am yours” I am looking at him feeling such emotion.
He pulls me closer now, rubs his thumb along my jaw line and then brings our foreheads together “I am yours and you are mine” with those simple but important words he kisses me. Gently at first until his tongue slides into my wanting mouth. We stand there kissing until we hear a wolf whistle “Don’t stop on my account” Chris says standing on the porch.
I look back at Even who is looking daggers at Chris “Hey” and then he looks back at me; a smile pulls across his face “I am here with you, just ignore him. He is an asshole, OK?”
Even nods and kisses me once more, not a gentle kiss a deep kiss full of heat. I am sure it is for Chris’s sake but I don’t care I will take it.
We walk up the steps still hand in hand.
“Chris” Even states with a cool guy head nod
“Even” Chris replies “Isak, you look great” he smiles at him, winks and says “Go on in and get a drink for you and your friend”
I roll my eyes “Enough with the pissing contest Chris. Even is my date and you know it”
Even smiles at this, he smiles a huge smile and tucks me into his side kissing my cheek. “Let’s go get a drink baby” he looks back at Chris and says in a way of a goodbye “Chris”
And Chris looks like his usual unruffled self “Even” he says with a smirk
We make our way inside, I see the boys on the other side of the room and I take Even’s hand and we make our way over there to them.
“Hey man” Jonas says
“Hey” I say giving Jonas and all the guys a high five
“Hey Even” all the guys say
“So where do we get drinks around here?” I ask
“Kitchen” Mahdi says
“Ok, you guys need another one?” I ask
They all nod and I turn to Even “You want a drink”
He leans in and whispers “I can’t, messes with my meds”
I turn and kiss his cheek and give him a smile “Water?”
“Perfect” he replies
I leave him with the guys and hear Magnus telling a story about a girl at the party “So I walk up to her and I was like, damn girl if you were an Oreo I would split you open and eat all the good stuff in the middle?”
“Dude, no wonder she hit you” Jonas says and everyone laughs
I find the kitchen and make my way to the fridge I am bent over trying to grab beers when I feel a hand on my ass. I smile and turn around, my smile falters as I see Chris behind me “Fuck off Chris, Seriously never gonna happen”
“No?” he smiles at me coming closer and invading my space “Never?” he breaths over me his hand making its way to my waist. If I was younger or more naive this might have worked, if I didn’t have the hottest guy in the world waiting for me in the other room it might have worked
“I am 100% sure that if you don’t move and take your hand off me, that guy right there” I say pointing to a now very livid Even “Is probably going to make sure you can’t use that hand again for a while”
Chris turns to see Even glaring at him, the phrase if looks could kill runs through my head. He seems to realize this too because he immediately removes his hand and shrinks away from me.
I straighten up and then Even is in front of me taking my face in his hands “Baby are you OK?”
“I am good Even, I was just telling Chris how it would never happen between him and I, you showing up well that was just icing on the cake” I say and I lean into him, gathering warmth and strength from his body. He envelopes me easily and turns to looks at Chris
“I think Isak made it quite clear that it is not going to happen and you need to respect that. If you want to keep that hand next time you will remember that” Even says with deadly flatness
“Hey man it is all good; I didn’t know it was a real thing between you too. It’s cool I get it, hands to myself” Chris says with his hands up in surrender.
Even helps me grab beers and water and pulls me from the room watching Chris the whole time.
We make it back to the guys
“Dude I just heard you beat the crap out of Chris” Magnus says
“Seriously Mags, where the fuck do you hear these things, and how did you hear already?” I say
“Some girl was just telling us” Jonas says
“And that is how rumors get started” Even says “But if it keeps people from putting their hands on Isak uninvited well, I can live with those rumors”
Everyone laughs at this and Jonas raises his beer and says “To Even”
Everyone raises their drink and repeats “To Even, Skål”
Emma comes up to us all then and hangs on me “Hey Isak, want to dance?” I think everyone standing there rolled their eyes and then Magnus, fucking Magnus, did I tell you I love him
“Emma, no he doesn’t want to dance with you, I don’t know how many times he has to tell you but my boy Isak here is gay” he says looking at her and she makes a face “Meaning he likes dick” Her face becomes red at this and she goes to open her mouth but Magnus again beats her to the punch “More specifically” he says pointing at Even “He likes his dick” and Even can’t contain it any longer and he starts laughing and pulls me into his side and I start laughing too. I look up at him, damn he is so beautiful. Then I grab his face, I lean up and kiss him, long and deep. He responds immediately wrapping his arms around me and kissing me heatedly.
All the guys are laughing and I don’t know who is looking and I don’t care. Jonas is shouting and whistling and Magnus just says “See!! He likes dick” and then he is shouting and everyone near us is laughing and clapping.
“Well that is one way to come out” Even says against my lips, and I smile and kiss him again.
I feel Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus wrap their arms around us as well and we are all laughing and singing along to the song blasting in the room. This is a good night.
Even pulls me out to the dance floor a little while later. Jonas is in the corner with Eva, Mahdi is kissing someone else and Magnus well he looks quite happy with Vilde’s tongue down his throat.
The bass is just pulsing and pushing all the bodies together and ours are no exception. Even has his hands on my waist and we are pressed together. My arms are up around his neck, sweat and smoke are filling the room. Our bodies are moving in perfect sync, I didn’t even know I could dance. He turns me around and is grinding his dick in to my ass, we are full on dry humping each other on the dance floor, but the good news is we are not alone. He flips me back around and pulls me into a kiss. It is a hot messy kiss, our lips are moving in sync and our tongues are battling for space. My dick is as hard as his and I don’t care who can tell or who can see. Desire is coursing through my body and my skin is on fire.
We finally make it off the dance floor and I am dripping in sweat and so his he. The boys find us then
“Hey you two, well Isak I think it is safe to say that everyone pretty much knows you are gay” Jonas says laughing
“We’ll see” I say and everyone laughs at that “hey boys I think we are going to take off”
“Ok man, have a good night” Jonas says
“Goodnight Mags and hey thanks for earlier with Emma, I don’t think I could have said it better myself” I hug Magnus
“No problem man anytime” he replies “See ya Even” and he pulls him into a hug as well “Now take it easy on my boy Isak, he is a virgin”
“Holy hell Magnus, really. I just complimented you and this is how you repay me?” I hid my face in my hands
“What? What did I say?” Magnus asks
Jonas shakes his head “Why are we friends with you?”
I let Even pull me from the house and we grab a tram “Do you want to come to my house?” I ask to break the silence, we really had not said much since we left. It is not uncomfortable the silence but even with him standing close he feels a bit distant.
“Umm, well” Even says and he seems to be struggling with what he wants to say
“You don’t have to, I can go to your house if you want” I offer
“It’s not that, I just didn’t know if we were spending the night together?” he says this and the innuendo was clear
“Oh, OK. No that’s, yeah, OK” I say and try to hide my disappointment
He seems really uncomfortable “Look Isak, I…”
“Even its ok, I don’t want to push you into anything I just didn’t want the night to end yet. But really it’s ok” I say, I can’t look at him. I feel hurt, rejected almost and I know I shouldn’t. My expectations are unfair. I feel his hand on my leg then and I still don’t look at him, I actually look away.
“Isak” he says it so quietly I am not sure if I am meant to hear it.
I stand up quickly then “Uh this is my stop, I will see you around. Ok?” I still can’t meet his eyes and I lean up and kiss his cheek; then I pull away quickly ripping myself from the grip he hand on my jacket
“Isak” he says again a little louder, there is so much emotion behind it that I pause for a moment and without a glance backward I get off the tram.
These feeling I have are over powering, I fall to the ground I sit there alone in public and cry. I have no rational reason to be feeling the way I do, he didn’t hurt me but I most likely hurt him with the way I behaved. I just couldn’t look at him. I am hurt and I don’t even know why. Because he didn’t want to spend the night with me? I built this whole night up in my head and thought tonight I would finally lose my virginity. Fucking Magnus and his big mouth, it probably scared Even and he didn’t want to sleep with someone so inexperienced. I know Even, I know how much he cares about me so rationally I should know better but right now I am not rational. Right now I am embarrassed and hurt. I put myself out there and I was told ‘No’ it hurts. I don’t know how long I sat there crying. I just don’t want to go to that house again alone, the thought is so depressing. I hate that house!
Eventually I feel arms around me pulling me into him. I knew it was him even before he spoke. The scent coming off him, his large hands those arms it was all him.
“Baby, oh my Isak. What is wrong” Even says against my hair “How did I hurt you? I am so sorry”
I just turn into him and let him hold me and I cry harder. Heavy sobs taking my body now and I am shaking.
“Where do you live from here?” he asks me
I try to control my breathing and stop the crying, “Just up the road over there” I say
“Come on I will walk you home” he says
“I don’t want to go home Even, no one is there. I am alone all the time and I don’t want to go home. I don’t want you to take me there and leave me there, not tonight” I cry into his chest “Just take me to the hospital, I will sleep in my mom’s room tonight”
“How often do you sleep there?” he asks me
“Almost every night” I say
“oh Isak, I had no idea. I am so sorry” he says
“How could you know” I say “I am embarrassed because I can’t sleep alone, and I hate being at home because I am not loved or wanted there. The only place I feel loved is with my mom and well with you” more tears escape and Even leans down and kisses them away with his lips.
“You don’t have to be alone, not ever again” he says
“But you wanted to leave me, you didn’t want me” I say
“Isak, I want you. I always want you; I just didn’t want you to think that you had to fuck me just because Magnus or anyone said you should. I want you to want me, and we can take our time. There is no reason to hurry. I want you, you have no idea how much I want you. It took all my restraint to not kiss you back when we were in the hospital. It took all my restraint to walk out of my bathroom the other day. You are it for me, the only reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I have found to live. I would have tried again to take my life if it had not been for you. You gave me purpose and meaning to my life when I could not find it on my own. Damn it Isak don’t you see, don’t you know? I love you, I have loved you from the first time I heard your voice and I will love you till the end of time.” He kisses me hard and unyielding, he pulls all of the sadness from my bones, the loneliness from my heart and kisses me like it is the last time he will ever have the privilege.
“Fuck Even, I’m sorry I didn’t know. I didn’t realize, I thought you just didn’t want me like that. I felt hurt, rejected by the one person I never thought would. I felt alone again and I hate that feeling. I don’t just want to fuck you because I think I am supposed to or because my friends think I should. I want to make love to you because you are it for me too. I want to share with you the one thing I have never given to anyone else. I love you too, and I want to show you. I want to express to you physically how much I love you, I want to feel you inside me and know what it is like to be buried deep inside you. I wanted to kiss you that night in the cafeteria. I wanted to get down on the floor and wrap my arms around you and kiss that sweet little spot on the back of your neck. I have wanted you for so long I don’t know what it feels like anymore to not want you; I just want to be with you. Give myself to you, allow you into a private part of me I have never shared with anyone and bare my soul to you.” A tear rolls down Even’s face at my words and I move to kiss it away.
“Come home with me Isak, stay. Stay for a minute, for an hour, for a day or stay forever, just come home with me and I will make sure you are never alone again” Even leans in and seals this promise with a sweet chaste kiss.
I stand up with him and lean into him, he holds me all the way to his house. He holds me as he pulls me into the front door. I see his mom and her concern but she doesn’t stop us she lets us pass her. He helps me to get undressed leaving me in my boxers and Even in his. Then pulling me under the covers of his bed he holds me in his arms. My face is buried in his chest at first and then he pulls my face up kissing me, gently, slowly reverently. Letting me feel loved and cared for. He pulls me into his chest and wraps himself around me, and the last thing I hear is a song, he is humming. It is the same song he hummed that night in the hallway, when he held me; ‘Fix you’. I feel myself drift to sleep in the arms of the boy I love.
Chapter 7: Pictures
Thank you again for all of the love and support <3
Mentions of implied sex but nothing explicit.
Skam changed my life in the best way possible and I love this world that Julie created. I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon the show and this whole world of wonderful characters, I guess fate really is just like that ;p
I wake up with the feeling of Even rubbing his hand along my back. I have my face buried in his chest and the scent of him filling up my nose. I kiss his chest slowly and carefully letting him know that I am awake. I want to stay in this moment; I want it burned into my skin so that I never forget it.
I pull back a bit and look up at him. He smiles down at me and I can’t help but smile back. I love this boy.
“I am sorry Even, I…” I start to apologize for last night but his finger presses over my lips to silence my apology and he shakes his head
“Don’t apologize for the way you feel or for telling me how you feel. You are allowed to feel the way that you do and I always want you to tell me” he kisses my forehead
“I just don’t want to be alone any more Even and I just don’t know what else to do” I say kind of lost
“Well, what would you say about you and me getting a place of our own?” he asks
Warmth spreads through me at his words “Really?”
He looks down at me and says “yes really. You are my forever Isak, and I don’t want to let you go ever”
I smile at his words as the make my heart feel light “Ok, let’s get a place just for us” and I lean up and kiss his lips.
This is a sweet kiss that turns into a slow burning desire. His hands are in my hair, his tongue and lips are searching mine. The feel of him against me, the hardness of his body as he rolls over the top of me and presses me into his mattress.
“Even” I sigh and he kisses along my neck. I feel his hands as they move along my body and I tremble under him
“Isak” he breathes over my skin “you are so beautiful”
“Even please, I just….” I say out quietly
“Are you sure?” he asks me
“Yes” and that one word is all it takes for him to lose the last bit of control he has been holding onto
Our bodies work together; the heat and the passion of this moment are something I will never forget. Even is gentle as he makes love to me. The sounds of our lips moving together and quite sighs fill the room and afterward he holds me against him our bodies are slick with sweat. I had never imagined it would be like that and I have never felt so close to another human being. I am so glad that it was him, that he was my first and my last.
“I love you Even” I say into the quite of the moments after
“Oh Isak, my Isak, I love you to” and he kisses my forehead.
EVEN POV several weeks later
We found a place for us to live, it is small but it is clean and it is ours. My mom was really helpful with everything and even though I know she worries about me she also knows how good Isak and I are together. We are at our new place moving stuff in and the boys have come to help us. We take a small break and order pizza and play some FIFA. I am watching Isak play with Magnus and Mahdi. They are trash talking each other and laughing. Jonas comes and sits down next to me.
“Hey” he says
“Hi, thanks for helping us get all those boxes up here” I reply
“Oh yeah no worries, happy to help. You make him happy you know that right?” he says to me
“Yes and he makes me happy to” I tell him
“I know I can see it. You know I didn’t know it was you but a long time ago Isak spent the night and I asked him if there was someone but he wouldn’t give it up” I see him laugh at the memory
“Really, he wouldn’t say” I ask
“No, but that was ok. I knew he wasn’t ready. I also knew that one day he would tell me. I also know there is more to the story and I am hoping one day you both feel comfortable enough to tell it. I know it is private and I respect that and if you never tell it then that is OK too but just know that you are more than just Isak’s boyfriend to us, you are our friend too. We care about you” He looks at me
I am blown away by his words, I had no idea they all felt that way “I didn’t know, and I appreciate you telling me. You all have become like family to me and I don’t have the right words to tell you what that means to me”
Jonas and I hug it out then and I see Isak look at me. He knows what I am thinking and gets up to come and sit on my lap. I pull him to me easily
“Do you think it is time?” Isak asks me
“Yes, I think it is” I reply
Isak takes a deep breath and I watch as Magnus and Mahdi come to join us around the small coffee table.
“So I am sure you all wonder how Even and I met” Isak says
Magnus says “At work, we were all there”
Jonas rolls his eyes at this “Magnus that is not where they met now shut up and listen”
Isak smiles at Jonas appreciatively. I listen to Isak tell the story to his friends. I didn’t know how it would feel to have them all know but watching them as they took in the story, I realize how important it really was. These people are Isak’s family, and now my family too. They hold no judgement in their eyes as the story unfolds and I can see the pain and confusion but also the love and support.
Magnus is crying by the end and says “Damn, now that is a love story”
I kiss Isak when he is done talking and we all stand up and somehow end up in a giant group hug.
Jonas says “We have your back to Even, we always have your back”
It was the perfect moment, standing there with our friends sharing our past and looking to the future.
After the emotional roller coaster of telling the boys how Even and I met we eventually say our good bye’s
Jonas hugs me a little tighter than the others and his eyes saying the words his mouth didn’t ‘love you’
That night lying in our new apartment wrapped in the arms of the boy that I love, Even turns to look at me and says “I have something to show you”
I look at him curiously as he get up and rummages through a box and pulls out that green journal he always had. He comes and sits down on the bed and I sit up next to him.
“I know you asked a while back about this book and I know you wanted to see it. The curiosity was killing you and you didn’t push me and I appreciated it more than you could know. I wanted to finally share with you the rest of them”
I look up at him and smile, kissing his lips “Thank you” was really all I could say at the moment. Even was giving me more of himself, sharing a part of him no one else had ever seen.
He opened to the first page and we started going through it. Some of the pictures were dark; I could tell these were low points of his illness. Others were so beautiful; sunsets, parks, flowers and then I turned the paged and gasped.
My eyes scanning the page taking it all in, “That’s me” I say
“Yes that is you; that was the first time I say you after that night in the cafeteria. You were out in the garden with your mom and I watched you and drew this picture”
“Even it is, I don’t know what to say. Is this how you see me?” I was stunned; I had never looked so beautiful
“Yes that is how I see you every day; I really don’t even think I captured all of it. Your beauty goes beyond just your physical appearance and that is something hard to draw” he tells me
I feel the tear slide down my face and he kisses it away
“Even I, I don’t know what to say.” I shake my head looking at the picture
“Well, it might get weird now because there are a lot more of you in here” he confesses with a smile
“It won’t be weird” I say and continue to look through all of them. He drew ones of me smiling, laughing and just sitting with my mom. He drew one of me working in the garden and one of my moms and my hand entwined on our many walks together.
“Even these are just beautiful; they say a picture is worth a thousand words. I think they are wrong about that” I tell him
“Really?” he asks me
“Yes a picture is worth an infinite number of words and these are worth more than any I could ever speak. I can only say, I love you Even. I love the way you see me, I love the way you see the world, I most of all love the way you love others and how you share your love with the everyone” I smile at him and we both have tears shining in our eyes
“I love you to my Isak” he says and pulls me into a breath taking kiss.
None of us truly knows what the future holds but I don’t see one without Even in it.
Here is this boy, this person who came into my life when I needed him most; when I least expected it. Here was this boy who loves me and allows me to love him back. I was given this immeasurable gift and I was unsure of who to even thank.
In the end I came to the soul shattering conclusion that fate is just like that.
Alt er Love <3