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Dead or Alive

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"But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down"

 

STILES

 

His routine was simple. He wakes up, or at least tries to, he showers, he skips breakfast, he goes to school, he feels numb, he comes back home, he feels numb, he tries to sleep. And then he repeats it again and again for these past months. No text, no calls, no visits. His dad is always working, to busy to come home check on his only son.

It hurt, it hurts, but now what Stiles feels is numb. He doesn't care, thin or waste his time on pity party. Stiles doesn't remember the last time he talked with The Pack- oh wait yeah he does.

Exactly 4320 hours ago, that's 180 days ago, it's 3 months when his 'brother'  tore his fucking heart and no his not being dramatic, oh no he's being honest for the first time in his life. His heart was ripped and stepped on like a piece of used paper. To say that Stiles was angry that night was an underestimate, he was livid and then when no one heard him he cried, he cried his soul out. He creamed, broke thing and had a panic attack which resulted in him passing out on the floor and waking only to realize he missed school.

Then he didn't bother to show up there, no one called as was said previously.

They  ignored him, at first that is, then when some of them  still tried to communicate, the slammed him into walls, lockers, doors. The choices were displayed clearly. Oh and let's not talk about the verbal abuse they used that way more than needed for him to get the message. Only when he snapped, only when he lost his shit in the middle of the cafeteria they stopped. 

He stood there, facing them. His brain hardly registering what was coming from Erica's mouth.  The main 'personas' who took upon themselfs to humiliate him even further were  Scott, Erica, Lydia and sometimes Liam, but the look on his face showed guilt for couple of seconds, only to be masked by disgust. 

Stiles snapped back to reality only to hear the last words.

"...burden."  Scott finished and looked at others for approval. 

"What did you just said ?"  Stiles asked, his fist trembling, voice getting louder, attracting good amount of eyes on them. Scott looked surprised for a second, but quickly recovered  and folded his hand in front of him stepping closer to Stiles. At this Stiles wold have taken a step back, but he chose to stay put.

"I said  that you were a burden from the start."  Scott barley  finished his sentence when he felt a blow to his face. With all the werewolf  healing he still could feel pain for a few second. Also anyone who were in the cafeteria could hear the loud 'crack'  of Stiles's knuckles.

"I have done nothing, but to save your ass, McCall, you hear me you piece of shit-" Stiles yelled  his face red with anger. "-not only your, but this fucking town too, your so called pack wouldn't exist if it weren't for me YOU HEAR ME !"  Scott got up, still holding his cheek, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, similar to others.

 Stiles looked around and started to laugh, feeling tired and helpless again. He laughed and under his breath whispered to himself, of course those who had supernatural hearing heard it.

"Fuck this shit."  Stiles picked up his backpack and left, leaving everyone in a state of pure shook and terror.

 

"Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human"

 

And that's were he's now. Sitting on his bed, his eyes red and puffy, breathing shallow. His hand were trembling and one leg bouncing. He got up and paced around his room, thinking and sorting, or at least trying to, sort his head out. One choice was on his night table. He let out a sob mixed with his laughter. Stiles ran his hands trough his hear and down his face. He shook his head, talking to himslef. He wouldn't dare to do that. He just can't so that. Stiles doesn't have the right. What about dad ? What will happen to him ? When will he find Stiles ? ... But it would be so simple, so gentle. He would feel happy again. He would, wouldn't he ? Happy.  He tried, he tried so many times to fix it, to fix himself. And he failed. But he tried... that counts... right ?

With watery eyes and shaking hands he managed to send one last text to his dad.

To: Dad

I lovhe iyou

 

"I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything"

 

He threw his phone on the floor and picked up the bottle with blue label. His night routine. Sleeping pills that helped him for a couple of hours,  his friends. He opened the cap and poured the content on his palm, some pills spilling on the floor. With a dry throat he somehow swallowed them, he then cried out while he sat on the edge of the bed, small bottle spilling from his hand and the other gripping the bed sheets so hard he tore holes there. He already felt dizzy and sleepy. 

"STILES" His eyes snapped open and still with small doze of consciousness, he stood up, but the pills already affecting him made him swing. Everything happened quickly. As he stood up, the door to his bedroom opened, but he couldn't make put who it was, because he was already falling down and then he felt strong pain on his head. Stiles vision went black. He didn't feel anything.

He didn't feel happy. 

"I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it"