He tried at first, of course he did; what else was he supposed to do? They were familiar, his family, all he’d got. The four of them had been together for a long time and not knowing where else to go, he’d gone back to them. Darla his sire, Drusilla their demonic ‘daughter’, and Spike, Drusilla’s in every respect. She’d made him and he worshipped the ground she walked on; it had amused Angelus, back when he’d still been like them, a soulless demon intent on maiming and killing and destroying, terrorising communities everywhere they went, revelling in the fear they inspired.
Everything had changed now though; he no longer fit into their world because he was different, a vampire with a soul, an abomination in their eyes. The demon in him still craved the lifestyle it was used to, but his soul got in the way. He tried to kill, to feed, to carry on as before, but his newly restored soul recoiled every time and he was forced to resort to feeding on rats instead.
The others knew; they could sense the change in him, even smell it. To them, he was contaminated and they taunted him for his inability to kill. They called him weak, dirty, useless, and much worse, and he felt ashamed, not because he didn’t belong with them anymore, but because he once had. When he couldn’t take it any more, he left, or maybe they left him. Either way it amounted to the same thing. His companions were gone and he was alone, cut loose, adrift, with no idea what to do or where to go next.
He couldn’t be what he been before, couldn’t undo what had been done to him and get rid of the soul that plagued his every moment, but perhaps worse, he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He remembered everything he’d done as a vampire, every horrific act he’d committed, and the guilt threatened to swamp him, yet now he had an opportunity to make amends, cleanse his soul of the evil he’d invited in when Darla had bitten him. Perhaps he could be on the side of good for once; for the first time in his undead existence he could do the right thing. He never had when he’d been alive.
That was easier said than done. If he didn’t fit in with his vampire ‘family’, neither did he fit anywhere else. He was both too good to associate with demons, and too evil to be a part of the human world. Neither side wanted him; he was an outcast, an outsider, no matter where he went.
Angel didn’t care; he deserved to be shunned, but maybe if he tried hard enough and for long enough, he might one day find some kind of peace. It was something to hope for.