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Fun, Fun, Fun - A Collection of Ficlets

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“What the smeg are you eating?”

“Erm... nothing.” Rimmer guiltily shoved the rest of “nothing” into his mouth and began to chew vigorously.

“Have you been taking lying lessons from Kryten? C’mon, Rimsy, I know you’ve been holding out on me.” Lister crossed the floor of the sleeping quarters and pinned Rimmer up against the counter of their small sink. “What is it? Sweets? Chocolate? Fess up.”

“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about, Listy.” Rimmer muttered after an obvious swallow.

“Where have you been hiding it? Under your bunk you sneaky smegger? We’re supposed to be dieting TOGETHER, remember? All that smeg about getting older, needing to watch our figures? It was all crap wasn’t it?”

Rimmer held up his hands and tried to look innocent. “Look, I’ve got nothing! I swear, Listy, I’ve been just as good as you have. Not a biscuit crumb nor a morsel of sweets has passed these lips in ages.”

“Oh yeah? We’ll see about that.” Lister pulled Rimmer’s head down roughly and kissed him. The hologram let out a surprised squeak as Lister’s tongue invaded his mouth and swirled expertly against his. Lister’s hands wandered as they kissed; one hand squeezed a firm buttock while the other stroked up the small of Rimmer’s back. The hologram was just beginning to moan happily when Lister pulled away. “I taste chocolate.”

Rimmer sputtered in feigned offence at the accusation but Lister pounced on him again, sucking and licking at his lower lip as he ground his hips into the hologram. “Chocolate AND caramel.”

“That’s ridiculous... I... oh...” Rimmer’s attempt to defend himself trailed off as Lister began to nibble and worry at his neck and ears.

"You’ve been eating the Dairy Milk Caramel we found on that derelict without me, haven’t you?” Lister wound one hand through the hologram’s curls while he let the other trail down to the bulge that had grown at the front of his trousers. “That was naughty of you, Rimsy.”

“Oh... oh god, Lister.” Rimmer began to quiver and braced himself on the counter as Lister stroked his fingers in a circle around his erection.

“I thought we were in this together. Think of all the fun we could have been having if you’d just shared.” Lister’s hand continued its lazy circles as he looked in the hologram’s lust-filled eyes. “Just picture it, Rimmer. Me lyin’ in your bunk, totally starkers, covered in little squares of Dairy Milk...”

“Oh my...” Rimmer shivered as Lister began to lower his zipper.

“Eatin’ them off of me, one by one. Sucking the little bits of chocolate off of my skin, just before I slide on top of you, and suck you down.” Rimmer gasped as Lister finished opening his trousers. “Then I climb on top of you and ride you like a cowboy until you’re begging me for mercy.”

“Oh for god’s sake, Lister. How do you manage to do this to me?”

“Do what?” Lister asked innocently as he wormed his hand down the front of the hologram’s pants.

“Turn me into a gibbering, slavering, sex-crazed maniac within a matter of moments.”

“Just talent I s’pose. So c’mon, where’s the chocolate at?” Lister asked as he began to stroke the hologram.

“Oh god,” Rimmer gasped as Lister fondled him. “They’re in my locker, at the bottom.”

“Ha!” Lister extricated his hand and ran gleefully to Rimmer’s locker. He quickly found the hidden stash of chocolate and held it in the air triumphantly. “I knew you were holding out on me!”

“Yes, yes. Look I’m sorry. You know it’s hard for me, after not being able to taste anything for all those years. Can we please forget about my being a bastard and get on with it?”

“Get on with what, Rimmer?” Lister casually tore open a Dairy Milk bar and flung himself down on the sofa and took a large bite.

Rimmer turned pink with fury as he watched Lister eating the chocolate that he’d stolen fair and square. “Oh come on, Lister. Don’t do this to me. You know I can’t stand it when you’re a tease like this.”

“What?” Lister’s eyes twinkled mischievously as he took a bite of chocolate. “You want some of this?” Lister waggled his eyebrows as he gestured down the length of his body with the bag of chocolate.

“You damn-smegging-well know that I do, Lister.” Rimmer winced as he shifted his erection around in his pants. “Can we please just carry on what we were doing before?”

“Maybe,” Lister crooned as he bit off another hunk of chocolate and chewed it thoughtfully.

“Maybe?” Rimmer fumed as he clenched his fists.

“How are you at strip teases, Rimmer?”

“How am I at WHAT?”

Lister put one arm behind his head as he nibbled at his chocolate bar. “You give me an A-class strip tease, and I’ll let you eat as much of this chocolate off of my naked body as you like.”

“You can’t be serious, Lister.”

“Hey, if you want me to just eat it all myself that’s fine with me.” Lister stuffed four squares into his mouth all at once and crumpled up the remainder of the wrapper. “But if you want me to be your own personal dessert platter, you’ve got to give me something first. Let’s see what kind of moves you’ve got Big Man.”

“You mean you’re really not going to sleep with me unless I do this?”

“You’ve got it, Duke.”

Rimmer let his head drop and groaned as he walked over to the computer and tapped at the keys.

Lister grinned, putting his arms behind his head and crossing his legs at the ankles as Haydn’s Symphony Number 49 in F minor began to play. “I can’t wait to see how this turns out.”

Chapter Text

“What do you mean ‘yours is bigger’?”

“I’m speaking plain English, Lister, and I mean just that. MINE is bigger.”

Lister shook his head, incredulous. “There’s no way yours is bigger, Rimmer.”

“Yes it is! I mean it’s completely obvious to me, I don’t know how you can’t see it.” Rimmer’s brow furrowed in consternation at Lister’s ignorance.

“Come off it, there’s absolutely no way. Mine is bigger than yours, end of story!”

“Why do you think yours is bigger than mine?” Rimmer crossed his arms over his chest in irritation as he looked over at Lister.

“Because!”  

“Because, why exactly?”

Lister held out his hands in disbelief as he shouted at Rimmer. “Because it just IS!”

“And what makes you think that?”

“I’ve had loads more sex than you have,” Lister said as he ticked off his fingers. “I’ve had sex with more people, I think about sex more, I dream about sex more. My sex drive is definitely bigger than yours, Rimmer.”

“Just because you’ve had MORE sex, doesn’t mean that your sex drive is bigger than mine.” Rimmer scoffed as he shook his head at Lister. “The amount of sex one has in a lifetime is not necessarily proportionate to one’s sex drive. I think about sex constantly, Lister! CONSTANTLY. My whole life has been nothing but one big, long, hard, desperate, unsatisfying search for sex. There’s no one in the world who has a bigger sex drive than I have, miladdo.”

“All right, Rimmer. All right.” A grin tickled at the corners of Lister’s mouth as he stared back at the hologram. “If your sex drive is SO smegging high. Why haven’t you had sex with ME then?”

Rimmer’s light bee must have gone on the blink, because he suddenly became incapable of talking. He simply stared across the small sitting area over at Lister. His right leg startled to jiggle, thumping his boot heel into the floor of the ship and kick-starting his speech again. “I beg your pardon?”

“If you’ve got such a BIG sex drive, how come you didn’t jump me bones the second you got your hard-light drive?”

Rimmer’s eyes bugged like he was a stress ball that someone decided to squeeze. “Well that’s different, Lister. I mean… sex with you?” The hologram let out a nervous laugh. “I might have an absolutely enormous sex drive, but I still require my sex partners to be members of the human race.”

“See, that’s where I think you’re wrong.” Lister slid across the small seat and put his hand on the hologram’s thigh. “If your sex drive was half as big as mine, you’d be feeling the same way I’m feeling right now.”

Rimmer looked down at Lister’s leather-clad hand and swallowed hard, the color began to drain from his face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Lister said as he slung one leg over the hologram’s thigh. “That if I thought you were into it, I’d have you right here.”

Rimmer stiffened and pressed back into the cushions, his color quickly returned as a blush crept its way up from his collar. “You can’t be serious, Lister.”

“You think I’m not serious?” Lister quickly climbed into Rimmer’s lap and grabbed the front of his quilted blue shirt. The hologram’s eyes were wide with anticipation and disbelief as he looked up at Lister. “Let me show you how serious I am.” Lister grabbed Rimmer’s head in his hands and kissed him hard. At the touch of their lips they seemed to melt together and sizzle like two pats of butter on a hot griddle. Fingers wound through hair, hands pushed their way up and under clothes, tongues twirled and teeth nibbled.

“Oh god, Listy.” Rimmer cried out as they frantically tore at one another’s clothes, tossing them to the side as they stumbled to his bunk in a flurry of naked limbs.

“Oh smeg, Rimmer!” Lister cried out as he ground himself against the hologram.

It was all over far too quick. Too many years bereft of human touch and intimacy made them explode nearly on contact. They fell back to the bunk, a sticky, moaning tangle of hot naked skin. Lister sighed happily as he continued to rock his pelvis against the hologram, relishing the sensation of friction as he basked in the afterglow. Rimmer attempted to process what had just happened between the two of them, but eventually shook his head and simply clung tighter to Lister. “Well, I’ve got to admit that you were right.”

“Mmm?” Lister had already begun to doze off and started awake at the hologram’s voice. “Wha’?”

“Yours certainly is bigger.”

Chapter Text

“You haven’t got a copy of the Om Song I can take back with me, have you?” Lister shot Rimmer a look as the hologram brown-nosed his younger self.

Young Lister looked over at Rimmer with a wide grin on his chirpy face. “Sure, man. Say why don’t you come to the gents with me? I’ve got this great remix I’d just love to show you.” Lister’s hair stood on end as he watched his younger self reach into his back pocket for a hair pick, and begin to preen his afro.

“Why, I would be ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED,” Rimmer responded with a smarmy smile as he stood up from his chair.

“Brutal!” Lister’s younger self squeaked as he gestured to the door of the gents.

“No! NO! Absolutely NOT!” Lister shouted and grabbed his younger self by the elbow as he and Rimmer started to walk towards the door.

“What’s your prob, grandad?” Young Lister sputtered as Lister yanked him away from the hologram.

“Oh come on, Listy! I want to hear this remix! I’m sure it’s just as catchy as the live version! Ommmm!”

“You shut it! We’re going back to the ship in a minute. You, get over here.” Lister hauled his seventeen year-old self over to the bar by his giant collar.

“You are too out of order! I was almost IN there!”

“No! You are NOT takin’ that guy back to the gents! Not him! No way!”

“And why not? What? Are you two in a committed relationship or something?” Young Lister rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “You don’t mean to tell me you’re going in for all that monogamist crap are you?”

“We’re not in any relationship!” Lister hissed in a whisper. “You don’t know this guy, he’s a complete and total twat!”

“Not in a relationship? No smegging way. I mean look at him! He’s just me type! All tall and swishy and swotty! I’ll bet he hangs his underpants on coat hangers and listens to Reggie Wilson.” Young Lister let out a sultry purr as he leered at Rimmer out of the corner of his eye.

Lister clapped a hand to his face. “You don’t get it, man. You can’t touch him anyway. The bloke’s a hologram.”

“A hologram? That’s totally shady! That’s absolutely mad! So how do the two of you get it on then?”

“We don’t get it on! I keep telling you! The guy’s an absolute bastard!”

“Don’t get it on? What kind of crypto-fascist smeg is that? You mean to tell me you’re trapped in deep space with THOSE legs, and THAT arse,” Lister’s younger self gestured aggressively at the hologram. “And you don’t even manage to get a leg over?”

“I keep telling you, the guy’s a complete and total smeghead. He’s just being nice to you to wind me up!”

“Now I know why you’re so damned high-strung, grandad. I’d lose me mind if I had to look at that all day and couldn’t get me end away.”

“Smegging hell, don’t you think about anything besides sex?” Lister thought for a moment, remembering what it was like to be seventeen and constantly awash with surging hormones. “Never mind, forget it. Just leave that guy alone, yeah?”

“Whatever, man. If you want to be greedy and keep him to yourself, that’s your bag. I hope you two figure out some way to have it off though. Being trapped in space and not even being able to have sex it’s so… so… crypto-fascist.”

“Would you stop calling everything crypto-fascist! You really are a complete git! No wonder we never made it,” Lister grumbled as he shook his head and headed for the edge of the picture.

“See you, grandad!” Young Lister replied cheerfully as he headed back to the stage for Smeg & the Heads’ second set.

Rimmer’s mood was positively effervescent as they stepped back onto Red Dwarf. “What a delightful little sprout you were, Listy! And so talented too! It’s a shame you wouldn’t let me hear that remix, I’m sure it was absolutely splendid! Ommmm!” Rimmer bent in two as his shoulders shook with laughter.

“Shut it, Rimmer.”

“I mean honestly, how horrible could that remix have been? It couldn’t have been any more terrible than the live version.”

Lister sat silent for a moment as a memory washed over him of the last time he’d shared his special remix version of the Om song for a fan. The hard tile of the gents’ floor pressing into his knees, his hands grappling to pull down a pair of tweed trousers, his mouth filled to the brim with cock as he hummed the tuneless song around his mouthful. “You know what, Rimmer? I think you actually might have liked it.”

Chapter Text

Todhunter never thought much about Christmas until he started dating Lister. Growing up with Space Corps parents didn’t leave much room for forming Christmas traditions.

Still, Dave’s enthusiasm was infectious, and his traditions quickly became theirs: watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”, switching from lager to sickly eggnog, and festooning their quarters with tinsel and holly.

“What do you think?” Frank asked one Christmas morning. “Am I doing Christmas right?”

Lister smirked as he looked at the antlers perched on Frank’s head. “Well,” Lister replied. “I suppose it’s not traditional to wear nothing else, but for you, I’ll make an exception.”