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Four Years: The Story of a Transgender Man in College and High School

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Dear reader,

Today is my first journal. I won't seriously get into this until way later when I start school. But, I have a lot of anxiety. I'm getting a breast reduction tomorrow and I am totally scared. I want to just cry and curl up. I don't think I want this surgery anymore. I'm sure I'll be fine afterwards but I am so goddamn scared. I want to cry my eyes out and just curl up into a ball. I wish I could tell you how scared I was, reader. There is not much I can do anymore. Tomorrow's the day and I have to get up so early.

I can think of so many reasons as to why I feel like such a freaking monster. I was actually a little bit relieved when this surgery was originally canceled. I wish I could tell you how happy I felt. But there is no reason as to why I was no happy. I just was pretty relieved. I needed to get this weight off my chest. Though, I wish I wasn't getting this surgery. I don't even know how this even happened to me. I am somehow sitting here with marks on my chest.

I feel really insecure right now and I feel so bad. I wish I could feel like I feel on the inside. I wish I was born with a penis. Though, I wasn't and I feel so freaking bad. I cried myself to sleep last night. Or rather this morning quite honestly. I wish I could tell you I went to bed at a reasonable time. But I went to bed at two this morning. I was so anxious and tired and gross.

I stated this journal to really impress William Control because I wanted to...well, it's a stupid story. I feel like such a little fanboy talking about it too. It's been over a week and I'm still talking about it to my friends. I was so freaking happy to meet him though and he was the sweetest man I have ever met in my life. If you, dear reader, ever want to meet him take my advice and try. Just don't harass the poor man. He's too fragile and sweet for that. But what came out of me meeting him at Warped Tour is that I was able to tell him my story.

I was, and till at the time at the time of me writing this, in a rigorous program that allows students to take four years of high school in two years. In your sophomore year, you have to do this huge, year long project called Gateway. This was a college level research essay. You would then have to present it at the college my school partnered with. The key part was that you would have to present amongst college students who were way more advanced than us lowly high school sophomores. This was the last stepping stone to impress out aptly named Early College teachers. Then we went to a college freshman introduction course in June 2017. This was open to everyone who was in the Early College program. We were informed shortly before Warped if we got into the college or not. I, thankfully, got in and told William.

I had so many panic attacks and anxiety problems in my first two years of high school. More than what was expected from a high school freshman. I was into Black Veil Brides before I got into high school. I was a normal person with a "weird" taste in music. My favorite album at the time was Wretched and Divine which lead me to William Control. His voice was very calming to me. In fact, I am listening to him right now as I write because I am really anxious about this freaking surgery. He is so good for calming down when I'm anxious.

Well, thank you for listening to me this first journal entry. I will begin actual journaling and vlogging (yes, I will be vlogging) in August when my junior year starts. Love you and I'll see you in the next journal!